Hi all, this one took me longer than I expected but I like the way it turned out. I think it's a bit shorter than some of the other chapters but I also think it's an important one. I hope you enjoy. Don't forget to review and let me know what you think! It helps keep me writing! Please go check out "Desire" and review too as I will be finishing that soon.
April 1st is almost here! :)
A week later, Olivia woke up with a start in bed. She was disoriented when she woke up, she knew she had been dreaming but she couldn't recall what it was about. Sighing, she rolled onto her back and put a hand on her face. Turning, she expected to see her husband but she found she was alone in the bed. Glancing at the clock, she realized it was half past nine and she frowned.
Rolling to her side, she pulled herself up to a sitting position on the side of the bed. She rolled her neck from side to side and then placed a gentle hand on her belly. She smiled, trying to remind herself that whatever the dream had been about...all she needed to focus on was right here.
She stood up, grabbed a sweatshirt of Elliot's and slipped it over her head. She shivered when her feet hit the cold floor. She yawned, padded down the hallway and down the stairs towards the living room. Elliot was sitting on the couch reading the paper and nursing a cup of coffee.
He looked up at her and smiled, "Morning."
She walked over to him and curled up beside him, "Morning…"
Elliot smiled and kissed the top of her head, "You slept hard...I was expecting you to not get up until noon."
She smiled, pulled away and frowned, "I know. Sorry."
He shook his head and touched her face, "No apologies needed. You and baby Stabler need all the rest you can get. Especially with the stress lately...you need to take it easy."
She smirked at him, "How long have you known me? Have I ever been able to take it easy?"
He chuckled, "Uh...no. There were times you were so sick that I had to basically drag you out of the Precinct just to get you to rest. Half the time you either tried to sneak back or work from home.'
She smiled sheepishly, "Guilty as charged."
Taking a deep breath, he squeezed her knee, "I know it's hard for you...but you did promise to put yourself and the baby first."
She stuck her tongue out at him, "Mean. Using my own words against me…"
He smiled and rested his head on the back of the couch, "Liv…"
She huffed but nodded slowly, "Okay. I'll let myself sleep in from now on…" She nudged him with her foot, "But at some point you need to go back to work. I agreed to take a little time off...especially since Casey and Cragen don't want me around any case information."
He squirmed in his seat, "Yeah…"
She smiled, knowing he didn't want to leave her, "Elliot, look at me."
He sucked in his lower lip and then turned to look at her, "I just don't like the idea of you being here alone."
She smiled and pressed a hand to her stomach again, "Technically...I'm not alone."
Elliot squeezed her calf, "True. But I'd like someone who can keep you company."
She rolled her eyes, "I don't need a babysitter El."
"I didn't say you did…" He tugged her leg and she lay back on the couch, leaning over her he smiled, "I just like being with you. Is it a crime for a husband to want to spend time with his wife?"
She smiled and touched his face, "No. I love spending time with you too...but we agreed that we need some normalcy back in our lives."
He groaned and put his head in the crook of her neck, "Okay. Okay…"
She pushed him back, "Need a little pick me up Detective?"
He pulled back and smiled, "Sure? What is it?"
She lifted her shirt and touched her belly, "I noticed last night I'm actually starting to show."
Elliot looked down and smiled when he did see a small but present bump, "Well hello baby Stabler…" He leaned down and pressed a kiss there, "We can't wait to meet you."
She smiled up at him, "You know at some point we will have to think about names. We want to be surprised...but either way we need names. Poor thing can't get by as Baby Stabler."
He looked up at her and smiled, "Olivia"
She raised an eyebrow, "Yes?"
He smirked and shook his head, "No. Olivia for a girl."
She laughed and pushed him back, "We are not naming our daughter Olivia."
"Okay. Then we name our son Oliver." He said smiling at her.
She rolled her eyes but still smiled, "I'm being serious here Elliot…"
He took a deep breath, "Okay...we'll start to think of names. We have time."
She squeezed his arm and smiled, "Okay." She paused for a moment, "While all that sleep was great...Baby Stabler and I are starting to get really hungry."
He cocked his head to the kitchen, "I got everything ready for Belgian Waffles. I was just waiting for you to wake up."
Her mouth opened slightly and she leaned into him, "Why are you so good to me?"
Elliot patted his leg, "Because I love you."
She leaned in all the way and kissed him gently, "Lucky me." He kissed her back and she pulled back, "And I love you...but I'm also really hungry."
He chuckled and leaned back, "Waffles are coming right up."
Olivia watched him get up, "And El?" He turned to her expectantly, "Call Cragen...go back to work tomorrow."
He took a deep breath, wanted to argue but he knew better. He nodded once, gave her a smile and turned to walk away to make Olivia and Baby Stabler their breakfast.
The next day, Elliot had very reluctantly gone back to work. Olivia had practically had to push him out the front door and then thought he was going to sit in the driveway forever until she called him from inside the house and told him to go. She had been lounging around the house, cleaning, watching TV and trying to keep busy.
But she was bored. Very bored.
As a woman who usually never stopped moving...this was odd for her. She had lived alone for a long time...but she never spent much time home. Both a hazard and a blessing of the job. She was lying on the couch counting the tiles on the kitchen backsplash just to keep her mind off of difficult things, when she heard a knock on the door.
Standing up, she went to the door and opened it. She smiled when she saw Kathy standing there with a sleeping Eli in her arms, "Hey Kathy."
Kathy smiled softly, "Hey...I'm sorry to just show up like this."
Olivia shook her head, "Don't be. Is everything okay?"
Kathy nodded, "Yeah. Yeah everything is fine. But the hospital called and they are totally short staffed. I tried to call Elliot but-"
"He went back to work today." Olivia said softly, she smiled at Eli, "But I'm happy to watch him. In fact I'd love it. Going crazy here alone."
Kathy smiled, "Are you sure? I don't want to impose or-"
Olivia smiled, "Kathy you know how much I love Eli. He's always welcome here. With or without Elliot." She paused for a moment, "Unless...you're uncomfortable with me being alone with him because of everything going on…"
Kathy shook her head, "Olivia...I have always and will always trust you with my children. Nothing can change that."
Olivia's heart thumped in her chest, "Thank you Kathy. That means a lot."
Kathy nodded, "He may be out for a bit. Want me to bring him up?"
Olivia nodded, "Sure. You know where the room is. Should I grab his bag in the car?"
Kathy nodded, "That would be great. Thank you."
Olivia smiled and let her in the house and then walked out to the driveway to get Eli's bag out of the car. She went back into the house and walked upstairs as Kathy was coming out of Eli's room.
Olivia smiled, "Still out?"
Kathy nodded, "Yeah. He had a busy day yesterday and didn't sleep well. So he should be out for awhile."
Olivia nodded, "No worries."
Kathy looked at her for a moment, "How are you doing Olivia?"
Olivia looked down, "Today's...a goodish day. Taking it moment by moment."
Kathy smiled, "You're an incredibly strong woman Olivia. You'll be okay."
Olivia looked back up, "Thank you Kathy. That means a lot."
Kathy started to walk towards the stairs, paused and turned back to her, "I uh...I'm sure you want to get most of your own stuff. But I still have some of Eli's baby stuff in the basement. It's all in good condition. If you want...I could bring it by when I pick him up?"
Olivia smiled back, "That would be great. Thank you."
Kathy smiled and nodded, "You're glowing by the way. Pregnancy looks good on you."
Olivia bit her lip, "I don't know a lot of women who would be so kind and accepting of their ex husbands new wives. You've been incredible since day one Kathy. I don't know-"
Kathy shook her head, "You two belong together Olivia. Took me awhile but I understand and I'm okay with it. I also...I'm happy with Lucas."
Olivia smiled, "Maureen said you two are talking about moving in together…"
Kathy blushed, "He makes me happy. Very happy."
"And you deserve that happiness Kathy." She whispered, "You really do."
Kathy smiled right back, "So do you Olivia. When things get tough during this...remember that."
Olivia watched as Kathy walked away and smiled, thinking she had gotten really lucky.
Thirty minutes later, Eli was still sleeping and Olivia was in her room looking for a sweatshirt as the temperature had dropped. She was looking specifically for one of Elliot's that was a favorite. She was pushing aside things on the top shelf when she accidentally knocked over a box.
It came tumbling down to the ground and whatever was inside had come spilling out. "Great…"
She grabbed the sweatshirt when she eyed it, pulled it over her head and then knelt down to clean up the box. She frowned, when she didn't immediately recognize what was on the ground. But after a moment, it clicked. This was a box of her Mother's stuff. The only things she had left of the woman who had raised her, good, bad and indifferent. Her heart thumped in her chest and she started to sort through it.
Documents, notebooks, a few pieces of jewelry and photos. Lifting the stack, she started to sort through them. Most of them were of Serena alone in her younger years, years before Olivia. Before the rape. But at the back of the stack, there was a picture of the two of them. She checked the back to check for a date and realized in the photo she would have been five. The same age as Eli was now. She stared at it carefully, trying to place a memory of where they could have been.
A slow smile spread on her lips and she realized it was a rare Christmas that Serena had been alert and willing to celebrate. She took the stack of photos and reached up to put them on her dresser, not wanting to hide them away any longer. Then she reached for the notebooks, expecting to see notes from her job as a Professor. But her heart dropped when she realized what they really were.
Her mothers journals.
She opened to a random page and began to read…
Olivia took her first steps today. I was in the kitchen making coffee. I didn't sleep again last night. I kept having the dream over and over again. After all this time I can still see him perfectly. Still feel his hands on me. Still smell him. Olivia woke up early and I was frustrated. I wanted to sleep more but she wouldn't stop crying. I laid there for a while...but eventually I couldn't take it anymore.
I got her up, changed her and then put her in the living room. I thought she'd be distracted with her toys. And suddenly...there she was behind me as I poured my coffee. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. Then she walked towards me on those chubby, adorable little legs again and everything stopped.
I started to cry. I dropped to the ground and she walked all the way up to me. Sometimes I think I should hate her. And sometimes I do. She's a piece of him. That man. And yet...when I look at her, all I see is this innocent child. She didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat her...but I can't help it sometimes.
But today...today holding her in my arms and watching her toddle around the apartment...I knew I loved her. I wish I could give her more…
Olivia realized quickly she was crying and knew there was no way to make it stop. So she grabbed the rest of the journals and went to sit on her bed. She started pouring through the journals wishing more than anything she could just talk to her Mom. Even just one more time…
At the Precinct, Elliot was trying to focus on his work but he kept glancing at the clock. He loved his job. That wasn't the problem. The problem was he loved his wife more and he wanted to be with her. Especially right now. He trusted her. He knew she was handling things. But...it didn't mean he liked the idea of her being alone with her thoughts. He above all people understood how isolating that can be at times.
He sighed, reached for his phone to call him but realized he had a missed call from Kathy. Lifting it to his ear, he dialed her number and waited for her to answer. "Hey Elliot."
He sighed, "Sorry Kath. My phone was on my desk and I was-"
"It's okay. No worries. I was calling because I got called into work too. But I actually ran by your house thinking you'd be there." She said.
Elliot frowned, "Olivia made me go back to work today."
He heard Kathy laugh, "I'm sure you went kicking and screaming much like Dickie and Eli before bathtime."
Elliot chuckled, "Pretty much."
"Well hopefully it's okay with you...but Olivia offered to hang with Eli. He was asleep when I dropped him off." She said.
Elliot smiled, "I know that Olivia would love to spend some time with him. That's fine with me."
"Good. Well I need to get back. But I'm hoping to not have to do an overnight...I did bring a back just in case-" She started.
"He can stay. You'll be tired I'm sure. I'm not staying here late. Even if I wanted to, I think Cragen would kick me out of here no later than 5. You go home and rest. He's good with us. Besides...with the new baby coming, it would be nice to give him some one on one time." He said.
Kathy smiled on the other end of the phone, "Alright. Sounds good. Thank you. Talk to you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Call me tomorrow and we can make a plan. Bye Kathy." He said, glancing at the clock again.
"Bye Elliot." She said before hanging up.
Elliot hung up the phone and then looked at the clock again, he heard a laugh behind him, "What?"
Fin looked over at Elliot and smiled, "Every thirty seconds you check. Time is actually going to freeze if you keep checking."
Elliot's face flushed but he shrugged, "I just want-"
"I know." Fin said standing up to walk over to him, "But it's almost 2...you have to stay at least until 5." He tapped his friend's desk, "I however am out of here within the next twenty minutes. I wanted to visit with her soon anyway...so I'll swing by and check in."
Elliot smiled, "Eli's there. You sure?"
Fin nodded, "Sure. Haven't seen that little man in awhile. Think they need anything?"
Elliot smiled, "She did vaguely mention a craving for Rocky Road this morning…"
Fin smiled, "I'll swing by the store on my way there."
Elliot stood up to face Fin, "Thank you Fin. I know I probably sound crazy and over protective but-"
"You sound like a husband who cares about his wife. And you know I love Oliva like a sister. If you didn't care that much about her...it would be a problem with me." He said honestly, "You're doing good Elliot."
Elliot smiled, "Since when do you compliment me?"
Fin laughed, "Since you stopped being such a pain my ass and started doing right by that woman of yours."
Elliot smirked, "I assume the threat of painful and total demise is still on the table if that changes?"
Fin nodded, "You better believe it."
Elliot smiled, sat back down to finish his work feeling a little less stressed. At least he knew for the next few hours she wouldn't be alone.
Back at their house, the journal entries were running together as Olivia devoured them. Entry after entry gave her a little more insight into her Mother's life. Her true feelings about what had happened, her struggles and how she felt about Olivia. As she read the emotion grew and she began to love and respect her Mother more.
Olivia had to do one of those family tree projects. She didn't tell me about it. I don't blame her. But I got called into the school. I hate meeting teachers. I'm a teacher myself but I always feel like they are judging me. And this time...I'm sure they were ready to call social services. I didn't mean to blow up. I tried to keep it in. But that woman asked about her Father. Olivia doesn't have a Father. That man could never and would never be a Father.
I drank beforehand. Not a lot...but enough. I never wanted Olivia to find out...especially not that way. But the words were out of my mouth before I could swallow them. She looked so scared. So confused. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to make it up to her. But when we got home I couldn't do it. I looked at her and I thought of him. She looks nothing like him...but it's still there. She's such a good kid...but I can't keep it together.
I wish I hadn't yelled. I wish I had made a better choice. Maybe tomorrow I'll try and make it up to her...if I can get through the night without a nightmare…
She was so wrapped up in her reading, she didn't realize she wasn't alone in her room anymore, "Livvie?"
She snapped out of her daze, tried to wipe at her tears and smiled at Eli who was climbing up on the bed, "H-hey bud. You're awake."
He crawled over to her and yawned, "Did I fall asleep in Mommy's car?"
Olivia smiled and tugged at a lock of his blonde hair, "Yeah baby. Mom had to go to work so she thought we could hang. Is that okay?"
Eli smiled, "Yeah. That sounds good." He paused and looked at her, "But...you're crying." Olivia cringed, "Why are you crying Livvie?"
Olivia sighed, put the notebooks to the side and pulled him into his arms, "I'm just...I'm having a tough day bud. But...it's much better now that you're awake."
Eli snuggled into her, "Mommy says that everyone has bad days."
She reached out and pulled a blanket from the end of the bed over them, "She's right. Everyone does have bad days."
"She also says that when you have a bad day...you should think of things that make you really happy." He said.
Olivia's eyes stung with tears, "That's a good idea."
Eli yawned, "When I'm sad I like to think about spending time with you Livvie. I love you."
She squeezed her eyes tight and pressed a kiss to his head, "I love you too Eli. More than you will never know."
He yawned again and snuggled in further, starting to drift off to sleep, "Like the time Daddy and you took us all to Maine. That was the best."
Olivia rubbed his back and felt sleep washing over her too, "I remember that trip…"
"We should go again sometime." He said before finally falling asleep.
Olivia held him close and felt his breathing even out. She wanted to cry with the amount of emotions coursing through her. Instead...she thought of what Eli said and tried to remember something happy.
It was the last Christmas before Elliot and Olivia would officially be married. Elliot had surprised them all with a trip to Maine where he would go with his parents as a kid. It was his Christmas to spend with the kids and Kathy had gone to visit her parents in Up State New York.
It had been a long drive in two different cards to accommodate everyone. But they had finally settled in and they were decorating their freshly chopped Christmas Tree. Richie was tangled in lights, Lizzie and Kathleen were laughing at him. Maureen was helping her Dad with dinner in the little kitchen. And Olivia was sitting with three year old Eli on the couch watching the rest of the kids decorate the tree.
Eli pointed at Richie and laughed, "Richie looks like a blow up Santa like Mr. Stanley has."
Olivia laughed and cuddled him closer, "Yes he does."
Eli looked up at Olivia, "Livvie, will Santa still be able to find us here?"
"Of course." Olivia said with a smile, "We wrote in your letter that you would be here. But even if we hadn't...Santa knows EVERYTHING."
Eli frowned, "So then does Santa know that I was the one that dropped Dad's cell phone in the toilet?"
Olivia looked at Elliot who had overheard, he froze but she smiled trying not to laugh, "Uh...I think he does kiddo. But…I have it on good authority that even Santa forgives. Plus...I bet Santa has a replacement in store for Dad."
Elliot smirked and walked over to the couch, "I hope Santa saw that new model I pointed out in the Apple store window."
Olivia shrugged, "Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't...you'll have to wait until the morning to find out."
Elliot laughed and scooped up his son, "Buddy, Santa will make it here tonight without a doubt. That tree will be loaded with gifts for you crazy five kids despite the mischief you get yourselves into daily."
Richie smirked, "Eli there were many times that I should have been on the naughty list. Many, many times. But...Santa has never let me down. You'll be good."
Eli smiled and looked at Olivia, "Livvie what was your best Christmas present?"
The room went silent for a minute as Elliot and the older kids knew that up until her time dating Elliot, Christmas hadn't always been joyful for her. Elliot squirmed in his seat and started to talk, "Eli-"
Olivia shook her head, "It's okay Elliot." She looked at Eli and smiled, "My best Christmas...well I think it might be a tie. I don't think I could decide between the two. Although this one is shaping up to be the best yet so…"
Eli smiled, "What were the two of them?"
Olivia smiled, "The first was soon after I started working with your Dad. Kathleen and Maureen made me Christmas presents. I still have them."
Maureen started to laugh, "Oh my Gosh...the handprint ornaments we made? God...that was a disaster. I had the bright idea to do it on our own but I didn't take into account how much a handful this one was." She said pointing at Kathleen, "We almost couldn't get our handprints in the salt dough because she kept eating it...despite it not being edible."
Everyone laughed and Kathleen smirked, "I thought it was cookie dough! Sue me!"
Olivia smiled, "Well I loved them. You painted them, carved your names and the date. It was the first real Christmas present I had been given. It meant a lot to me. Lizzie and Dickie gave me some a few years later."
Elliot smiled and squeezed her arm, Eli frowned, "Santa didn't come to your house when you were a kid?"
Olivia sighed, "Well bud...he tried. It just didn't work out often. But you don't ever have to worry about that. Santa knows Eli Stabler and will never miss your house no matter where you are."
Lizzie smiled at her soon to be Stepmother, "What was the other one?"
Olivia looked at Lizzie and smiled, "The other Christmas was my first official Stabler Christmas."
Eli frowned, "Was I even born yet?"
"You were teeny tiny…" She said tickling his sides, "But yes. You were there."
Eli smiled, "I don't remember it."
"I do." Olivia said softly, "To be honest...it was kind of overwhelming. You Stabler's go all out for Christmas."
Richie smiled, "You mean we go overboard?"
Everyone laughed again but she shook her head, "No. Not overboard. You guys are so full of Christmas spirit and it was just new to me. But it was…" Her face flushed, "It was wonderful to be part of something that magical. It meant everything to me. Still does…"
"Well that's good…" Kathleen said with a smile, "Because now you're officially stuck with us forever."
Olivia smiled right back, "And there's nowhere else I'd rather be."
Eli looked back at his Dad, "Daddy, can I give Livvie her Christmas present now? Or do I have to wait until tomorrow?"
Elliot smiled and gave him a little squeeze, "If you want to give it to her now you can."
Eli smiled, scrambled off Elliot's lap and ran over to the tree. Leaning down, he picked up a small package clearly wrapped by him. He ran back to Olivia and handed her the box. She smiled at him and he crawled up into her lap, "Open it!"
Olivia kissed the side of his face and started to tear at the Reindeer paper, immediately her heart flip flopped and she felt tears stinging in her eyes, "Eli…"
The young boy smiled, "Now you have one from all five us us."
Olivia pulled the small handprint ornament out of the paper and squeezed him tight, "See, I told you this one was going to be the best one yet…"
Eli jumped off her lap and smiled, "Can we put them on the tree?"
"Absolutely." Olivia said as she stood up and he tugged at her arm.
They walked together to the tree as Elliot's other children reached for their own ornaments in the box Elliot and Olivia had brought up. Elliot sat on the couch and watched his soon to be wife as she helped them place all of them together on the tree. The kids started to put more ornaments up and Olivia turned back to Elliot with a smile, she held out her hand and he took the hint.
Standing behind her, he pulled her against his chest, "Merry Christmas Ms. Benson."
She smiled and leaned further into him, "Merry Christmas Mr. Stabler."
He kissed the crown of her head, "By next Christmas...you'll be Mrs. Stabler."
She smiled, turned in his arms and smiled up at him, "Sure will."
He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a gold pendant, dangling it in front of her face. "Since we're breaking the Christmas present rules anyway…"
She gasped and reached out for it, "El…"
He turned the gold pendant around in his fingers, "Semper Fi." He whispered into her ear, "Always faithful."
A shiver ran down her back and she turned it around again to see numbers imprinted on the back, her eyes stung with tears.
"My badge number" He said as he pressed a kiss to her neck, "This way you always have a little piece of me close to you heart no matter where you are."
She quickly turned in his arms and pressed her lips to his, "Man you're good."
He chuckled and held her close, "So you like it then?"
She nodded and turned her back to him again, "I love it, put it on me?"
He watched as she pulled her hair to the side, "I love you." He whispered as he clasped the necklace and then kissed the back of her head.
She turned again, snuggled into his side and held the delicate pendant in her hand, "I love you too El. Always…"
Olivia had fallen asleep while she remembered their time in Maine. She woke up to the ping of her phone, looking down she saw Eli still fast asleep. Reaching to the bedside table, she picked up her phone and saw a text from Fin.
You home girl? I come bearing gifts…
The text was accompanied by a picture of a pint of Rocky Road and she smiled. She sent a quick reply and then slowly detached herself from Eli's sleeping form. She tiptoed out of the bedroom, closed the door slightly and walked downstairs. When she opened the door, her heart squeezed in her chest when she saw Fin standing there with the ice cream and a bouquet of sunflowers, her favorite.
"Well what did I do to deserve this wonderful surprise?" She asked.
Fin shrugged, "You're you. That's what. Can I come in?"
Olivia stepped to the side, "Of course. Sorry if you were waiting long. I fell asleep with Eli."
Fin shook his head as he stepped in, "No not long. But you didn't answer when I texted so I just wanted to make sure you were good."
Olivia took the flowers and ice cream from him, "Did Elliot make you come by?"
They walked towards the kitchen and Fin laughed, "No. I offered. I've been wanting to come see you anyway. It just so happened that it helped Elliot calm down a bit anyway."
She put the ice cream in the freezer and then reached under the sink for a vase, "Has he been a wreck?"
Fin smiled as he sat down at the counter, "Checking the clock every minute or so." He saw her blush, "He worries because he cares Olivia. We all do."
She turned to him and set the flowers on the counter, admiring them, "I know. I just wish he could relax a bit. I'm...I'm doing okay."
Fin nodded, "I know you are. You've blown us all away…" He paused and whispered, "But I can also see by the look on your face that today's been a rough day." She didn't respond, "What's going on?"
She sighed and leaned against the island counter across from him, "I found my Mom's journals. I didn't even realize what they were. I've had them for years but never bothered to look at them. After she died I just wanted the apartment to be packed up so quickly...I tossed random things into the box. Tossed the rest…"
Fin watched her carefully, "Did you read them?"
She nodded slowly, "Some of them. It's like getting to step foot in her brain...be witness to all the things she felt and worried about. The trauma...her guilt about me. It's just...it's a lot. Especially now."
Fin frowned, "You know deep down she loved you Olivia. Despite what happened...despite how you came into the world...she loved you."
Tears pricked in her eyes again, "I know." She sniffled, "I see that more clearly in the entries...It makes me wish I had one more day. One more hour. One more minute just to say...anything." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, "I miss her."
Fin reached across the island and squeezed her hand, "She's here Liv. She's been right here the whole time."
She looked up at him and smiled, "I know. I feel her…"
He nodded, "And there is no doubt that she is proud of you. You're proving day in and day out how badass you are Olivia. Don't forget that."
She smiled and squeezed his hand back, "Thank you for being such a good friend Fin. My life would be a lot less wonderful without you in it…"
He smiled, "Right back at ya."
"Hi Uncle Fin." Little Eli said as he ran into the room and hopped up on the stool beside him.
Fin smiled and looked down at the little boy, "Hey little man. What's shaking?"
Eli shrugged, "Nothing. But I'm kinda hungry…"
Olivia smiled and stood up, "Well...if you promise not to tell Dad...what if I said we could have Ice Cream before dinner?"
Eli's eyes widened, "Really?"
Olivia smiled, "Yeah. Uncle Fin brought Rocky Road. Our favorite! Want some?"
Eli's feet started kicking back and forth in excitement, "Yes please!"
Olivia looked at Fin, "Want to stay for an Ice Cream party Detective?"
"Absolutely." He said, giving her a soft smile.
Olivia smiled back, squeezed his hand once more and then went to get their ice cream ready. Feeling grateful she had things to focus on to make her feel better on her worst days…
Close to 5 at the Precinct, Elliot was finishing up his work for the day and looking forward to going home. He was about to shut down his computer when he saw Casey walk in out of the corner of his eyes.
"Hey." She said quickly as she stopped by his desk, "I was hoping I'd catch you here."
Elliot looked up and smiled, "I'm headed out soon. But, what's up?"
Casey sighed and leaned against the desk, "Hollister's lawyer is going to call Olivia to the stand."
Elliot's blood ran cold and he quickly stood up, "What? What for? She's met him once."
Casey nodded, "I'm sure they are going to try and assassinate Serena's character. Question Olivia's upbringing. Try and prove that she was unstable. Garner some sympathy."
Elliot shook his head, "But why? Serena's case isn't being brought into question is it?"
Casey shook her head, "Technically the statute of limitations has passed. But we will show the number of cases he has been linked to in order to prove he is dangerous."
Elliot frowned, "Casey…"
"I know." She whispered, "I tried to fight it today but once they subpoena her there is nothing I can do. You know that. But I wanted to give you a heads up so you can talk to her about it. I know it's not going to be easy. I'll do everything I can to help and to prepare her...to make sure that his lawyer doesn't overstep too many boundaries but to an extent my hands are tied."
Elliot took a deep breath, "She doesn't need this added stress…"
"No. She doesn't." She pushed off his desk and frowned, "But she's strong Elliot. If anyone can do this...it's her."
He sighed and reached for his coat and keys, "I should-"
"Of course." She said. "When she's ready to talk to me...we can meet to go over a game plan if you want."
"Yeah. That sounds good." Elliot said, grabbing his phone, "Thank you for telling me first."
Casey nodded, "You're welcome. Go take care of our girl…"
Elliot smiled softly and started to step back, "Have a goodnight Casey…"
As he entered the elevator he wondered how Olivia was going to take the news…
Back at the house, Eli, Fin and Olivia were playing Candy Land at the living room coffee table. Eli was "winning" mostly because Fin and Olivia were letting him.
"Man...you guys aren't very good at this game." Eli said as he moved his piece a few more places up on the board.
Olivia chuckled as she heard a car pull in the driveway, "We can't compete with you bud. You're the King."
The front door opened a moment later and Elliot walked in, he smiled when he saw the tree of them, letting a sense of calm wash over him. "Hey guys."
Eli jumped up and ran to his Dad, "Hi Daddy!"
Elliot leaned down and scooped him up, "Having fun with Livvie and Uncle Fin?"
Eli nodded, "Uh huh. We had Ice Cream before dinner and I'm kicking their butt at candy land."
"He may be good at the game but he's not good at keeping secrets…" Fin said with a chuckle.
Olivia pretended to glare at Eli, "Buddy! You weren't supposed to tell Dad that."
Eli's cheeks flushed, "Opps! I'm kidding. We had a really healthy pre-dinner snack."
Elliot laughed and pressed a kiss to his head, "I'll let it slide this time buddy. I'll even let you get some extra TV time in if I can talk to Liv and Uncle Fin in the kitchen for a minute."
Eli hopped down from his Dad's arms, "Man...this has been a really good day."
Elliot smiled and saw him crawl up onto the couch as Olivia handed him the clicker. He cocked his head towards the kitchen and Finn followed suit. Olivia made sure that Eli was settled in and watching something appropriate before she followed her husband and partner. The look on Elliot's face told her that whatever he wanted to talk about wasn't going to be good.
Fin settled in on the same stood as before and waited as he watched Olivia approach her husband, "What's going on El?"
Elliot frowned, "Uh...Casey came to see me before I left."
Oliva looked back at Fin, "Something about the case?" He nodded once, "What is it? Just tell me…"
Elliot frowned, "Hollister's lawyer is planning on calling you to testify."
She didn't move and Fin spoke first, "What the hell for?"
Elliot sighed, "Casey thinks it's a tactic to try and question Serena's character. He'll probably go for more than just Olivia...if he can find any other victims I'm assuming he will. Casey tried to dissuade him but he is sticking to his guns."
Oliva sighed and leaned against the kitchen sink, "Great…"
Elliot walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder, "Liv I know this is going to be really hard. Harder than any of us can imagine...but we'll be with you in that courtroom the whole time."
She looked up at him, "He's going to try and drag my Mom through the mud. She made poor choices but that doesn't mean she deserved to be raped."
"Of course not." Elliot said softly, "No one thinks she does."
She turned and put a hand to her face, she didn't want to cry again in front of them, "Damn it."
Elliot looked at Fin, frowned and then put a hand on Olivia's back, "Hey...come here."
She was hesitant for a moment, wanting to stay strong but eventually she gave in and leaned into his chest. As soon as his arms wrapped around her she couldn't deny that she felt a sense of relief wash over her. She sighed, breathed him in and tried to focus on the beating of his heart to keep her grounded.
"We're going to figure this out." He whispered into ear, "Together."
She sighed and pulled back, "Sorry...I know. Just...been a weird day."
Elliot frowned at her, looked back to Fin and he shook his head before standing up, "I'll go check on Eli."
Elliot smiled his thanks and then turned back to Olivia, "Talk to me Liv...you seemed okay when I left."
She nodded slowly, "I was…"
Elliot squeezed her arm, "What happened? Why didn't you call me? You could have told Kathy that it wasn't a good time."
Olivia shook her head, "No. No, I'm glad Eli was here. He helped. He's a hell of a kid."
Elliot titled her chin up to look her in the eye, "What happened?"
She sighed, pulled back and leaned against the counter, "I found a box of my Mom's stuff. I honestly hadn't looked in it since the day I packed it all up. It stayed in a closet in my apartment for years. I found it when I packed to move here...but I never opened it. I was looking for a sweatshirt of yours to wear and I knocked it over. Everything came tumbling out…"
He rubbed her shoulder, "That must have brought up a lot of memories."
She bit her lip, "There were pictures. Mostly of her...a handful of me with her. But…" She looked up at him, "Her journals were in there. I assumed years ago it was all work stuff but it wasn't. It was all her thoughts over the years since the rape. Everything right there...laid out in black and white that she felt and went through."
Elliot's heart squeezed in his chest, "Liv…"
"She wrote about him. Wrote about me...about how she felt about me. How she wished she could make things better but she was struggling so much Elliot. More than I ever could have probably imagined. She wanted to change. Wanted to make better choices but he-" He voice cracked, "He broke her...and she couldn't do it. No matter how hard she tried."
Elliot sighed and pulled her in for another hug, "It's okay…"
She snuggled into him and sighed, "I just wish I could talk to her one more time. Tell her I forgive her. Because I do. Despite everything...I don't think I could have raised a child given the circumstances she lived in. I really don't think I could have done it…"
He pulled back just enough to look at her, "Well then maybe we can use her words to make sure Joseph Hollister never sees the light of day again."
She looked at him for a moment, "You mean use them as evidence?"
Elliot nodded, "Yes. It would be your call...your choice. You can say no. But what could prove his guilt more than her words? Show the court the kind of monster he is...show them what he did to your Mom who was so strong."
Olivia took a deep breath, "You think it would help?"
"Yes. I do." He said softly, "You don't have to decide now...but we can discuss it with Casey. I think it would be really powerful...especially if her words came through you." She froze for a moment, "I know that it won't be easy. It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do. But you love your Mom. And this may be the thing that helps you let it all go…"
She was quiet for a moment, "You're right…"
He leaned in, pressed a kiss to her forehead, "It's going to be okay Liv. I promise."
She sighed, leaned back into him and let herself be enveloped in all that was Elliot Stabler. The idea of facing him in court...reading her Mother's words...it was a lot to process. But she knew with this man by her side...she could do anything.
Later that night, Fin had left after staying for dinner. Before he left, he had pulled Olivia to the side to talk to her alone.
"You okay?" He asked gently.
She shrugged, "I…" He paused, smiled then shrugged, "I don't know."
Fin nodded, "You know it's okay to not be okay Olivia. No one expects you to be. We're allowed to have human emotions...even you."
She smiled softly at him, "I know. I just don't like looking weak."
Fin shook his head, "You are not weak Olivia. You are the strongest woman I have ever known. Nothing will ever change that."
She bit her lip and looked at him, "Elliot thinks that maybe I should show my Mom's journals as evidence."
Fin nodded, "I was thinking about that too...but I wasn't sure how you would feel about it."
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, "I mean...part of me thinks it could seal his fate in an instant. There is an entry about her memory of that night...more than one." She bit her lip, "But...the thought of reading her most private thoughts in such a public setting is overwhelming to me."
Fin nodded, "I can understand that." He paused, "But what does your gut tell you?"
Olivia looked up at him and smiled, "My gut says that she would want him to get what he deserved and she would give me permission."
Fin reached out and squeezed her shoulder, "That's what I think too."
She took a shaky breath and reached out to hug him, "Thank you for today Fin. I missed you."
Fin squeezed her back, "I'm always here baby girl...day or night."
She pulled back, kissed his cheek and smiled, "Talk soon?"
Fin nodded, "You can count on it."
Snapping out of the memory of their encounter, she smiled when she heard Eli and Elliot laughing in his room. She had spent most of the afternoon with Eli and wanted Elliot to spend some time with his son alone. So she went to get a load of clean laundry she had forgotten about earlier in the day. Throwing it in the basket, she walked up the stairs, past the young boys room and into her and Elliot's room.
She started sorting through it and smiled to herself when she heard Elliot and Eli laughing and playing in his room. She felt a little flutter in her stomach and couldn't wait to see Elliot with their unborn child. She wished they could fast forward time and get through these next few months so she could put the past behind her and focus on their future.
She finished folding the laundry and turned back to the bed. The blanket from her nap with Eli was still crumpled on the bed. She went to pick it up and fold it, and there lay one of the discarded journals. She bit her lip, looked up and wondered how much longer Elliot would be in the bedroom. She could still hear Eli talking so she figured she had a little time before he fell asleep.
Curling up on the bed, she opened to a new page and started to read again.
Olivia graduated from the academy today. I still can't believe she wants to be a cop. I suppose I always pictured her following in my academic footsteps. She is so very smart. In every sense of the word. Part of me felt frustrated when she told me about what she wanted to do...her long term goal is the Special Victims Unit.
I felt almost immediately that it was a personal attack on me. We argued. Well mostly...I argued. I drank too much (as always) and I threw the glass at her. She looked so sad. Didn't yell back. Didn't say anything at first. She waited a minute, then cleaned up the glass and wine. Then she stood up and walked over to the trash to throw it away.
I'll never forget what she said before she left, "I want to do this to protect people the way no one could protect you."
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think of anything to say. I wanted to. I wanted to hug her. Tell her thank you. But I couldn't. Once again I failed her and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make her proud…
She flipped the page and realized it was the end of that notebook. Reaching down beside the bed, she picked up another notebook not knowing when it would take place. Most of them weren't dated. It seemed that Serena just opened them and wrote whenever she felt like it. Most of the time given the memories there she could figure out where and when they took place. This one she remembered like it was yesterday…
I went to Olivia's office today. She's been at SVU for 8 months now. I haven't wanted to visit her...to many memories in a place like that. But...her birthday is Friday. I never am able to face her on her actual birthday. I suppose I thought if we went to lunch early...it would make up for the disappointment again.
I walked in and I was flooded with emotion. I remember what I felt like walking into a building much like that one to make my own statement. I tried to hold it together. I really did. But immediately I started to shake. A man approached me...a handsome man. He was tall, brown haired, deep blue eyes and a kind smile. He asked if I needed assistance, I'm sure I looked like someone who needed to report a crime.
Before I could respond, Olivia was there. She looked nervous, she looked at the man beside me and I wondered. But then...I saw the gold band on his hand. Olivia nervously introduced me as her Mother and I realized the man was her partner. Elliot Stabler. She has talked about him before with me. I always notice a difference in her appearance when she does. A light in her eyes, a small smile. He means a lot to her. In just a short amount of time...he's broken through part of her walls that I helped build.
I hope she doesn't get her heart broken. Especially considering he is a married man…
Olivia was called by her boss to his office quickly and I could tell she was anxious. She was clearly afraid to leave me alone with him. I don't blame her. But she went...and I was left alone with Elliot. I don't know what he knows about our relationship, if he knows about what I went through. If he did...he showed no sign of it.
As I listened to him talk I felt calmer. I wish that when I had met with Detective all those years ago...I think I would have felt more at ease. More protected. More heard and safe. He talked about Olivia. How much he enjoyed working with her. How good she was at her job. He assured me that no matter what happened...he would be there to protect her.
I've often wondered what will happen when I die. I haven't been a good Mother. I don't pretend to think that she will miss me. In fact...sometimes I think she may feel relieved. I wouldn't blame her. But I have worried about what will happen to her. We have no other family...and she's kept herself so closed off for so long. I know it is a level of protection. Mostly my fault...but this man. This Elliot Stabler...he cares.
I pride myself in reading people. I have since the rape. I see him. I see him for who he is and what he stands for. He's a good man. No matter what type of relationship they have or will have...he will be there for her. I think I can let go knowing that someone will care for her the way I couldn't. And I know...he will do just that.
Olivia was so lost in the entry, tears streaming down her face, she didn't hear Elliot coming into the room. "Hey…" He was sitting beside her and reaching to brush her tears away, "Liv...don't cry."
She looked up at him and whispered, "Serena…"
He frowned and cocked his head to the side, "Yes I know these are her journals but-"
Olivia shook her head, "No." She sniffled and sighed, "This morning you said we should think of names. If it's a girl...I want to name her Serena." He sat up a little straighter and she kept talking before she could lose her nerve, "I know she had her faults Elliot. And there is pain there...but I wouldn't be here without her. I wouldn't have met you...married you…" She put a hand to her belly, "I wouldn't be having this baby without her. She kept me. She tried...she really did Elliot. And I can't fault her for struggling. I don't even know how she got up on some days…" She looked down at her small bump, "If it's a girl...I want her to be named after her Grandmother. Serena."
Elliot leaned forward slowly, he pressed a kiss to her belly beside her hand, then pulled back, leaned in and kissed her, "Serena Benson Stabler.
"It's okay?" She asked softly, worried he wouldn't be okay with it.
Elliot smiled, "I think it's perfect."
She sighed, leaned her forehead against his and whispered, "She knew ya know…" He gave her a look, "She knew you were someone important. Someone good…"
He frowned, "What do you mean? I only met her a few times…"
She sniffled again, wiped at her eyes and handed him the journal she had been reading, "She could read people well and she knew. Read it…"
Elliot looked down at the journal and started to read. His eyes started to sting with tears as he read Serena's words from all those years ago. He pulled back, took a deep breath and whispered, "I wish I had had more time to get to know her…" He looked up at her and smiled, "Despite her faults...she raised the most incredible woman in the world. The love of my life...she did something right. It would be an honor to have a daughter named after her…"
Olivia pressed her hand into her belly, "I know we don't know...and if it is a boy I'll love him just as much. But for the first time I get a feeling about it...I think it's a girl. I don't know why...I just feel it. I feel...I feel her."
He squeezed her knee, "I would trust that feeling."
She licked her lips and reached down to pick up the box, "I want Casey to see these. You're right. My Mom's words...her description of that night and everything that happened after. It will be powerful. And I want…" Her voice cracked, "I want it to come from me."
Elliot sat up a little straighter, "I am so damn proud of you Olivia. More than I could even express."
She took a shaky breath, "We still have a long way to go El...so don't put me on a pedestal quite yet. I sense some major breakdowns coming in the future."
Eliot smiled, "And I'll be right beside you through all of them."
She smiled softly and patted the spot beside her, "Sit with me and read more?"
Elliot nodded, climbed up on the bed beside her and pulled her against his chest. She leaned against him and opened another journal and began to read outloud. It felt good to have someone to share this moment, no matter how hard it was with the man she loved more than anything. And as she read, Elliot rubbed her belly affectionately and she knew...she was carrying a daughter. She could feel it. And it made her proud to be the daughter of Serena Benson. Now she had the chance to give her closure…
There you have it...I will try and update as soon as I can! We will see the court case and I promise before I end the story...we will see whether or not Olivia's instincts about their child are right.