Here's the next update! I'll try and update as soon as I can!
On the first day of the trial, Elliot was the first one to wake up. He turned his head to the side and saw it was only 7:42. They didn't need to be awake until 8 and he wanted Olivia to sleep as long as possible. It had taken her awhile to fall asleep the night before out of nerves and he was grateful she seemed to be calm and content at the moment. Rolling over, he watched her sleep, a protective hand resting on her belly and he smiled.
As excited as he was to meet their child, he had to admit he was going to miss seeing her pregnant. She glowed in every possible way. He never really understood that term. Kathy looked good pregnant but Olivia seemed to have been born for this. He leaned forward, pressed a kiss to her forehead but she didn't stir. Slowly, he pushed back the sheet, grabbed his phone and began to tip toe out of the room.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he heard his phone ping and he glanced down. He smiled when he saw his daughter Kathleen's name flash across the screen. You awake?
He wrote a quick reply and then moments later heard a knock on the door. He frowned for a moment, but his heart flip flopped when he saw her standing on the front step. She smiled sheepishly and held out a bag and a tray of drinks.
Elliot leaned against the doorframe, "You are never up this early."
She shrugged, "Couldn't sleep."
He nodded once and stepped aside, "Come in."
She walked into the foyer, Elliot took the tray from her and then wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "Is Olivia still sleeping?"
Elliot nodded slowly and dropped a kiss to the crown of her head, "I want her to sleep until she has to get up."
Kathleen nodded and walked over to the kitchen island, she placed the bag down. "I'm sure she's exhausted."
Elliot pulled one of the cups out of the tray labeled Dad and took a sip, "Mm, thanks for this. You didn't need to."
She shrugged, "I buy things when I don't know how to help in any other way."
Elliot leaned across from her and smiled, "Kid...just being here is helping."
Kathleen reached to the tray and took out her own cup, "I'm just...worried."
Elliot nodded and reached for the bag, he pulled out the bagels inside, "I know. We all are."
Kathleen reached for her bagel and he handed it to her, "I mean I know Olivia is a badass. I've known that forever...but this feels like a lot. Even for her."
Elliot was quiet for a moment, trying to think of what to say, "Kathleen, I'm not going to pretend and say that this is going to be okay. This could go bad. Do I think that he'll be found guilty? Yes. I can't say for sure...because stranger things have happened. However...the process could be too much for her."
"She's been struggling with this her whole life." Kathleen whispered, "I mean I can't imagine how she couldn't. I don't know what I would think if…" She looked down and felt her cheeks flush. "But she's such a good person and she needs to know that whoever he is...it doesn't change who she is."
Elliot took a deep breath and stared at his daughter, "You've been told your whole life that you look like your Mother. Right?"
Kathleen nodded, "Everyday."
Elliot nodded, "And you've been told on more than one occasion you have my temper…" He said with a smirk and she laughed, "And...your Grandmother's spirit."
Kathleen fidget in her seat, "Among other things…"
"We all believe we are connected to our parents. Our grandparents...and in some ways we are. Olivia's Mother was a good person, but she struggled with what happened to her. It's not strange to think that she would worry about being like them...it's normal. Since I've known her she's always worried. I know Olivia is nothing like her Father. I didn't need to meet him to know that. But...it's normal." He whispered.
"And now that she's pregnant...she's worried your kid will be like…" She trailed off.
"Every parent worries about who their child will be. What they will grow up to be. What choices will they make? It's the stuff that keeps us up at night. So yes...she worries." He said with a shrug.
Kathleen looked at him carefully, "And what about you? Do you worry about this child?"
Elliot put his coffee down and smiled, "Kathleen...I haven't been the perfect Father." She went to protest but he shook his head, "Don't argue with me. It will get you nowhere. But I do know that despite my faults I have loved all five of you with every fiber of my being. Every decision I make is based on the five of you. And when this child is born...he or she will be part of that too. I will and would die for all of you. I don't worry for a second worry about this child being good...because their Mother is the best person I know. But sure...I worry. Just like I have worried with you, your sisters and your brothers."
Kathleen smiled, "No one is perfect Dad...but you came pretty damn close." He went to protest and she smiled, "Don't argue with me. It will get you nowhere. I'm told I have your temper and your stubbornness." He chuckled, "The fact that you never gave up on me despite all the things I have done...that is what makes you the best Dad of all."
Elliot walked around the counter and pulled her in for a hug, "I will NEVER give up on you Kathleen. Never. That is one promise I can keep."
She sighed and pulled away, she looked at him and whispered, "Love you Dad."
"Love you back." He pressed a kiss to her head and sighed as he looked at the clock, "Liv's alarm is about to go off…"
She looked over at the tea and bagel she had bought for her StepMom, "Can I go up?"
Elliot smiled and rubbed her shoulder, "Sure kid."
Kathleen grabbed the tray, put her cup in it and the bag of their food. She gave her Dad another smile and then walked upstairs. The door to their bedroom was open a crack, she pushed it with her shoulder and saw Olivia still asleep on the bed. Kicking off her shoes, she climbed onto the bed and waited. After a minute, Olivia's alarm went off. Kathleen saw her reach out and hit the alarm then she lay still, not moving. Her back was to her and didn't know yet that Kathleen was there. For a moment...she was afraid she would scare her or Olivia would be upset, expecting to find Elliot instead.
"Liv?" She called softly, wanting to alert her of her presence.
Slowly, Olivia rolled over and stared at Kathleen sitting up in the bed. She noticed the tray of drinks, the bag of food resting between them. She looked up again and also saw the nervous expression on her face, the uncertainty. Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself up into a sitting position and she smiled as best she could.
"Hey kid." She whispered, "You brought me breakfast?"
Kathleen smiled and held out the bag, "Went to your favorite place by the Precinct."
Olivia reached out and looked in, "Sesame bagel toasted with chive and bacon cream cheese?"
Kathleen nodded and held up a cup, "Green tea with two lemons."
Olivia sighed happily and leaned against the headboard, "As long as I've known you...it's taken a small army to get you out of bed. Even on Christmas morning. You had to have gotten up ridiculously early to go down to the deli, turn around and backtrack to come here." She took a sip of the tea and sighed, "Not that I'm not incredibly grateful...but what gives kid?"
Kathleen opened her mouth, then stopped, the tears pricked in her eyes, "I'm scared Liv." It was quiet between them for a moment, "You're the one going through this and I'm still scared…"
Olivia put her cup down on the bedside table and whispered, "Wanna know a secret?"
Kathleen scooted closer to her, "Yeah…"
Olivia smiled softly and shrugged, "So am I…"
Kathleen bit her lip and reached for her hand, "Olivia-"
She squeezed her hand tight, "But...when I was a kid I started to do this thing when I was really scared. Usually with my Mom…"
Kathleen smiled, "What was it?"
She smiled, scooted down in the bed and lifted the sheet, "Hide. Give myself five minutes to freak out...then face the world."
Kathleen laughed, scooted down on the bed, "Does it work?"
Olivia shrugged, "Sometimes. Wanna try it?"
Kathleen nodded and lifted the sheet to pull over them. They both laughed and Kathleen turned to her StepMom again, "Now what?"
Olivia smiled, "Your Dad is used to this...so if we both scream he's not going to freak. In fact he's done it with me a few dozen times when I could coax him into it." Kathleen gave her a look, "Trust me…"
Kathleen looked at the white sheet above her and took a deep breath, she opened her mouth and she screamed. She felt the frustration rising from her toes and out of her lungs. Olivia smiled. Then she took a deep breath and followed suit, letting the anger she felt towards Hollister start to leave her body. She just hoped it would last…
Kathleen took a deep breath, "Wow...that felt good."
Olivia smiled and nodded, "Told ya."
They threw the sheet off of them and smiled when they saw Elliot standing in the doorway, "Better?"
Kathleen sighed, "Not completely...but yeah. A little."
He nodded, "Well...why don't you go downstairs. Seems your sisters and Dickie had the same thought as you. They brought a full spread."
Olivia felt her heart surge at his words and Kathleen turned to look at her, "You okay?" Kathleen asked.
Olivia leaned forward and kissed her cheek, "I'm good kid. Go on. I'll be down in a few minutes."
Kathleen climbed out of the bed, grabbed her coffee and walked past her Dad. He gave her shoulder a squeeze as she went. Elliot walked further into the room, shut the door and walked over to the bed. Olivia was still lying on her back, just staring up at the ceiling as she rubbed her belly. He reached out, touched her knee and whispered, "Are you really okay?"
Turning her head, she looked at him, sucked in her lower lip and in barely a whisper said, "No."
He took a deep breath, sat down on the edge of the bed and took her hand, "Tell me what to do."
She tugged his hand and he lay down beside her, "Turn back time and let me kill him?"
He sighed, pulled her against him and pressed a kiss to her forehead, "Liv…"
She nodded and pulled away, "I'm kidding. I'm kidding…" She looked down at her belly and rubbed it gently, "I know this is the right thing. I just don't…" She cleared her throat, "There's that small part of me that's worried he'll get away with it all. Stranger things have happened…"
Elliot nodded, "I know. And we've talked about what happens if that does happen…" She didn't respond and his heart started to pound a little harder, "Liv...you focus on-"
"The baby." She whispered, he felt her nod against his chest and then rolled onto her back, "I know."
He watched her for a moment, wishing that for all of their sakes he could fast forward through all of this. He trusted her. He did. But he didn't have to lie and say that he didn't fear how she would handle this. How any of them would.
"I need you." He whispered, she turned to him and frowned, "I need you Olivia. You're my reason. You've always been my reason and I can't do this life without you. So...I'm asking you to fight. Might be selfish of me...but fight. For me."
She felt tears prickle in her eyes and she nodded, "You're good Stabler...you know I can never say no to you."
He nodded, "I know. That's why I'm asking you to do this...I. Need. You."
Leaning forward, she touched his cheek and whispered, "I need you too. I always have."
He put his hand over herrs and whispered, "So fight Liv. Fight like Hell. Show him how strong you are. And when it's over...come home. To me." He pressed a hand to her belly and whispered, "To us."
She took a shaky breath, leaned in and kissed him softly, "Okay."
He leaned his forehead against hers and whispered, "Okay."
They lay there quietly in each other's arms for a few minutes, wanting to hide away for as long as possible. But both knowing that they had each other... no matter how hard it got.
A few hours later, Olivia was standing outside the courtroom waiting. Behind her were Elliot's children, Kathy, all of her friends from the Precinct. She could hear them talking. Trying to stay distracted before they had to go in. She focussed on their voices. Nothing but their voices. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
She felt a hand on her back and she turned to see Cragen beside her, "Hey…"
He cocked his head to the side and whispered, "Getting a little stuffy in here. Wanna get some air?"
She looked to the side and saw Elliot watching her, he gave her a little nod and she smiled. She turned back to Cragen, nodded slowly and he slowly turned her body so they were walking towards the door. It was mid August now. It was a typical warm city day, but under the shade of the building it was still cool. Leaning against the pillar behind her, Olivia sighed.
"Thanks…" She whispered, she saw him nod, "I did need some fresh air."
Cragen smiled, "How are you doing kid?
She took a deep breath, "Oh you know...just dandy." He gave her a look and she laughed, "I'm...about ten seconds away from a nervous breakdown to be honest."
Cragen walked up to her, "You remember when you told me about your Mom?"
She glanced at him, looked down and then nodded, "She was drunk...showed up at the Precinct. No one else was around...you had let Elliot go home early to see his kids for Maureen's birthday. I was mortified...you help me take her up to the cribs."
"What did I say to you that night?" He whispered, she gave him a look and he smiled, "What did I say Olivia?"
Looking down, she pressed a hand to her belly and smiled remembering that day.
Olivia stood to the side of the bunk bed that her Mother was currently passed out on. Her Mother rarely if ever came here. Olivia knew it brought up bad memories. Tonight she showed up after a particularly rough day when Olivia had refused to answer her calls. Elliot knew about her Mother...she had told him. No one else did and she had wanted to keep it that way.
The door opened and she knew who it was. She wanted to crawl into a hole, back up until she could become part of the wall. The door shut behind him and he came to stand next to her, "She's asleep."
Olivia licked her lips, "Yes."
Cragen held out a bottle of aspirin and a water bottle, "She'll want these when she wakes up."
Olivia took them, she stared down at the bottle in her hands and suddenly started to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to throw these things at her Mother. Tell her to get up. Tell her to get the hell out of her life once and for all. But she couldn't...and she wouldn't.
Taking a shaky breath, she wished that her voice sounded steadier as she whispered, "Captain I'm so sorry. I promise this will never hap-"
"You know I was an alcoholic." He said, it wasn't a question, just a statement, "You don't need to explain or apologize.""But this is my place of work. She shouldn't have come here. I was...I was avoiding her calls." She whispered, "I didn't think she would come here. She hates police stations…"
Cragen walked over and sat down on one of the single beds. Olivia didn't move and he held his hand out, motioning for her to sit on the one across from him. She looked at her Mother, wondered what she should or could say. Then walked over and sat down across from him.
"You know that she was a single Mother…I have no siblings." Olivia whispered, "She didn't have any other family. None that I've ever known anyway." Cragen nodded, "I never knew my fa-" The word died on the tip of her tongue and she sighed, knowing she couldn't say it."Tell me Olivia." He said softly, it wasn't a command but an offer for her to release some of the burden.
She fidgeted, pulled at her sleeves and looked back at her Mother, "She was raped. Brutally. Left for dead…" She sniffled, wiped at her eyes and looked back at him, "And nine months later she had me."
Cragen took a deep breath before saying, "Olivia-"
She shook her head, "I took this job because I wanted to help people. And I know I do...but it never feels like it's enough."
"You can't fix it for her." He said honestly, "No matter how badly you want too. You can't erase the past Olivia. No one can.""I know." She whispered "But I always felt that maybe it would make me feel less guilty...if I could get others justice. Maybe it would somehow just make it better for her." She looked back at her Mother's sleeping form, "But she's always in pain...always remembering. I don't know how much more she can take. How much more I can take…"
Cragen looked at Serena and sighed, "We think things like alcohol will numb our pain. And it works...for a while. But the morning still comes...and the pain still lives. Some pain always lives. Some pain always remains no matter how hard you try to erase it. Push it away...it becomes part of your soul."
She nodded slowly and wiped at her eyes again, "So then what's the point? Why keep going if all you'll ever do is feel the pain? Why not just give up? Let go…"
Cragen stood up, walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder, "Because despite how hard it all can be...we can always find one thing to keep fighting for."
She glanced up at him and frowned, "What is she fighting for?"
"You." He said simply and her shoulders relaxed, "I'm sure it hasn't always been easy...but she clearly keeps fighting for you. Her daughter. No matter how you were brought into this world...you're her family. She's fought for you."
Olivia took a shaky breath, "I don't know what to fight for anymore."
Cragen squeezed her shoulder gently, "You fight for your future. For when that day comes that you have something...someone to fight as hard as your Mom fights. And when the days seem long...too long to keep going...you focus on that one thing. That one real, true thing. Then you'll find the strength to keep going."
She licked her cracked lips, "Marge was your person…the one you fought for. Got sober for."
Cragen nodded, "Even though she's gone...I still fight for her. Because that's what she would want. And someday, I know that you will have that. You'll have that person...maybe persons…"
Her cheeks flushed, "I want that...more than anything. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to have it."
"You will." He whispered, "There is no doubt in my mind you will. And I can't wait to watch it happen for you."
Olivia looked back at her Mother and whispered, "I just want her to have even a little peace...someday. Just some peace of mind to know that he got what he deserved."
Cragen nodded, "I have a feeling you'll give her that too kid…" He looked at the door, "You want some space?"
She shook her head, "Actually...do you think you could stay. Just for a few minutes?"
He smiled softly, then sat down on the bed beside her. "As long as you need…"
They didn't say anything after that. Just sat in comfortable silence, watching Serena sleep. Wondering how far away that day of peace actually was…
Back in present time, Cragen stood before Olivia and squeezed her shoulder. "I told you you'd help her find her peace. And I also told you that you'd find the thing to help you fight…"
She looked down at her belly, "You did."
"Today and the rest of the days of this trial...they're going to be hard. But you keep fighting Olivia. You keep fighting until we hear that guilty verdict. And when you do...your Mother will finally be at peace. And so will you…" He whispered.
She looked up at him and sniffled, "Captain-"
He shook his head, "You don't know your own strength Olivia. You never have. But I'm hoping after this...you'll see it. You'll see what we all see. I know you can do this."
Elliot poked his head out the front door, turned to the left and saw his boss and wife standing to the side, "Hey…" Both of them turned to look at him, "It's time to go in."
Olivia looked at Elliot, then back at Cragen. He tilted his head up, standing strong he gave her a swift little nod. She took a deep breath, pressed a hand into her belly and felt the baby kick, reminding her that she did have so many reasons to keep fighting. Cragen took a step back, slowly she took the first step forward and felt her boss fall into step behind her. She walked past Elliot, through the doors and saw all the people waiting for her inside. No one said anything, no one moved or pushed her to walk. She felt Elliot slide in beside her, slip his hand into hers and squeeze. Then she took the first step forward and as she did, she felt a rush of cool air surround her, a presence of someone she hadn't felt in a long time.
She smiled to herself and knew exactly who it was, letting her know she was right beside her…
Opening statements passed in a blur, Olivia heard every other word. When Hollister had been brought into the courtroom, she felt her bones turn to ice. He looked directly at her, gave her a little wink and she felt a roll of nausea rise in her throat. Elliot wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulled her into his side as if trying to protect her. Cragen sat on the other side of her and she saw him sit up a little straighter and glare right back. She could almost feel the death glares pointing at Hollister and she smiled to herself, imagining what all of her friends and family looked like staring at him.
When she looked back up at him, the smugness seemed to have vanished. For a moment, she almost thought she saw fear looking back at her. She smiled, put a hand on her belly and hoped that look and feeling only got stronger as the trial went on. Casey turned from her seat at the table and looked right at Olivia.
"Any last thoughts?" Casey asked softly.
Olivia smiled at her friend and looked her directly in the eyes, "Yeah...crush him."
Elliot squeezed her shoulder, Casey smiled, "It will be my pleasure."
Evidence was shown. Olivia let it go in one ear and out the other. She had been in so many courtrooms over the years. Heard so many statements from victims, doctors, officers, lawyers, perps. But this felt different. So different. Two women had come forward to detail their attacks. So many similarities showed between their cases and that of her Mother's and she wondered if her Mother was alive...would she be willing to testify?
Casey called Sarah Larson to the stand and Olivia sat up a little straighter. Sarah looked terrified. Two days earlier, Olivia had met with her to check in.
They sat at the Precinct, Sarah looked around. She fidgeted anxiously. Remembering what it had been like giving her statement at an office just like this one. They were upstairs at the little table overlooking the squad room.
Olivia placed a cup of coffee in front of her, "Here you go. Sorry it's not the best quality...but it's the best we got."
Sarah smiled, "So this is where you work?"
Olivia nodded and whispered, "For over a decade. Yep."
Sarah looked down and saw Elliot sitting at his desk and talking to Fin. Every so often his eyes would turn to look up at them, clearly making sure his wife was okay, "You met your husband here."
"I did." She whispered, "We were partners for a long time before…"
Sarah turned from him back to Olivia, "Knowing each other that long must have helped create a really strong bond…"
Olivia looked over the balcony just as Elliot was looking back up at her. He gave her a look as if to ask if she needed him. She smiled, shook her head and then looked back at Sarah, "He's my best friend."
Sarah sighed and rubbed her hands against the metal table, "The other day I ran into an ex of mine…" Olivia waited patiently, "He's been abroad for a year or so. We broke up because of the distance but he's back now and…"
Olivia eyed her carefully, "Do you still have feelings for him?"
Sarah looked up and smiled, "He's the one...I always knew he was. We talked about marriage. He had to leave to help his brother...he was injured in a car accident and lived in London. He spent the last year helping him sort things out...neither one of us wanted to break up but we struggled being apart."
Olivia smiled gently, "Sarah…"
"He asked me to go to dinner with him tonight and I want to…" She whispered in a scared voice, "God knows I want to. But I-" She paused and shook her head sadly, "How can I let him back in...with everything that happened? I'm so afraid to tell him. But if I don't...I know I won't let him close to me. As much as I want-" She shivered, "The idea of sex right now makes me-""Sarah if he loves you he will understand...and he'll support you. He can help you through this. It will take time and it will be hard...but just because you were attacked doesn't mean you can't someday be intimate with a man. But you get to do it on your terms." She said honestly."Would Elliot wait for you?" She whispered, "Would he have understood?"
Olivia smiled, "Yes. He would have...and he did wait. I myself wasn't raped...but I've struggled a lot over the years with letting people in. He waited like a saint...sometimes still does. He made me trust again...feel like I could keep fighting. If this guy loves you...he'll do the same thing. And if he doesn't...then he's not the one."
Sarah bit her lip, "I would really like his support during the trial…"
"Then tell him." She whispered softly, "Tell him Sarah. It will be the first step in your healing…"
Olivia watched Sarah take the stand, she looked at Olivia and smiled. Olivia smiled back and then followed her gaze across the aisle. There sat a man beside Sarah's Mother. He gave her a reassuring nod and Olivia knew exactly who he was. She felt Elliot begin to rub her shoulder and knew that he was going to help her get through this…
Olivia kept her eyes trained on Sarah in the stand, willing her to not look at Hollister. But as Casey questioned her, her eyes continually went over to him. She didn't have to look at him to know that he was enjoying it. And more than that...he was getting to her.
Olivia fidgeted in her seat, Elliot reached for her hand, "Liv relax…" He whispered.
She shook her head, "She's going to crack…"
Elliot looked at her, "What?"
She never took her eyes off of Sarah, "She keeps looking at him...she can't handle it."
Elliot turned his eyes back to Sarah, he watched her eyes go from Casey to Hollister. "Shit…"
"Your Witness Counselor." Casey said, turning to look at Hollisters Lawyer.
Olivia's heart rate sped up, Casey saw her looking strange and she raised an eyebrow. Olivia shook her head knowing she couldn't say anything now. She looked back at Sarah and tried to catch her eye. It wasn't working…
"Ms. Larson...where were you the night of the alleged attack?" The Defesnse asked.
Sarah licked her lips and whispered, "I...I was leaving the bar." He gave her a look, "The new one off of 54th street…"
He nodded slowly, "Were you on a date? Hanging out with friends?"
She fidgeted in her seat, "I...was out with my girlfriends. Girls night out."
He nodded slowly, "The outfit you were wearing when you gave your statement...it was...quite provocative.."
Sarah's mouth hung open, "It was...just a dress."
He smiled, "A very short dress…"
Sarah's eyes glared at him, "A short dress doesn't give a man the right to rape a woman. Nothing a woman could wear would give them permission for that if they say no."
He shrugged, "Maybe...but it can give a man the wrong idea. One who might have had a little to much to drink. Make it harder to make the right choice."
Sarah glared at him, "He wasn't drinking...he was outside the bar. Waiting in a car. He followed me and when I ran he got out and ran after me. He dragged me into an alley and when I screamed he hit me over the head with a brick. I blacked out. When I woke up he was on top of me...he was-" She cringed and Olivia could see her shaking, "He was inside of me. I tried to scream but he had something shoved in my mouth. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. He. Raped. Me."
Hollister's lawyer looked at her, not blinking, "Is it true Ms. Larson that you got pregnant from your sexual encounter with Mr. Hollister?"
The cracks were showing and Olivia, Elliot and Casey were frozen, "Sexual encounter? It was rape. Call it rape. There is no other word for it."
"Did you, or did you not get an abortion?" He asked, she didn't respond, "Did you kill Mr. Hollister's child?"
"Yes. I did. I wasn't going to have any part of that monster inside of me anymore. I had an abortion and I don't fucking regrret it." She spat out.
"Ms. Larson." The judge warned, "I know you are upset but you need to control your temper…"
Sarha looked at her and nodded slowly, "So-sorry." She turned back to him and said, "Yes. I had an abortion."
Hollister's lawyer turned, and he looked right at Olivia, "Is it true that Mr. Hollister's daughter went with you to get that abortion?"
Olivia felt a roll of nausea at being called his daughter and Elliot pulled her even closer. She felt Cragen reach out and touch her knee. Sarah's eyes turned to Olivia too. They were wide and fearful and Olivia tried to give her a little nod, telling her it was okay.
Sarah stuttered for a moment, "Detective Benson was with me. Yes."
Hollister's lawyer looked back at her, "Detective Benson...who we will be hearing from tomorrow. She met you at an abortion clinic and sat with you while you aborted her sibling?"
Sarah started to cry, "She was trying to support me. I was terrified."
"You were terrified because you knew what you were doing was wrong. You should have told Hollister. It was his child too." He said quickly.
Sarah glared at him, "He had no right to that child...just like he had no right to do ra-"
"He had every right to that child." He said, "Just like he had every right to know his daughter Olivia. But her Mother kept her from him...although he is grateful that her Mother chose to keep her, unlike what you did. Tell me Ms. Larson did you have any remorse over murdering an innocent life?"
Olivia quickly learned forward knowing what was coming, "Casey call for a recess."
Casey looked back at her, "Olivia-"
"Please." She whispered, Elliot leaned into her and she shook him off, "Casey do it."
"No." Sarah spat out, "I don't feel guilty I didn't feel guilty adn I never will. I would kill that baby again, and again and again. I'm glad it's dead. And I want him dead too! I want him dead! I want-"
"Casey!" Olivia yelled from behind her.
Sarah stood up from the stand and started to get down from her seat as the judge started yelling, "Sarah no!"
Sarah was tiny and she moved so fast, she ran and lunged at Hollister. She grabbed for anything to hit him with but the guards were behind her, holding her back. Hollister was sitting in his seat, laughing as she tried to claw at him.
"Officers remove her from this court!" The judge was yelling, slamming her gavel on the hardwood.
Olivia cringed as she watched them lift Sarah off the table, she was flailing, screaming and still trying to get away. She could hear her Mother sobbing somewhere behind her and Olivia couldn't look at her.
"This court is in recess until we can be assured that there will be no more outbursts such as that one…" The judge said looking directly at Casey.
People started to file out of the courtroom to take a break. Elliot went to say something to Olivia but she stood up quickly and yanked at Casey's arm, "You need to let me see her."
Casey turned back to Olivia, "They'll never let you…"
Olivia's hands started to shake, "Please. Please Casey. Please."
Casey looked at Elliot and he didn't have anything to say, she sighed, "I'll ask but I make no promises…"
Olivia nodded once and then turned to walk out of the pew, Elliot was hot on her heels. "Liv wait-"
She walked over to Sarah's Mother, "Mrs. Larson-"
She turned back to Olivia and the man she was with was holding her up, "Are they going to arrest her?"
"My friend Casey will do everything she can to help her out. I promise." She said quickly.
Mrs. Larson looked over at her husband, "I-I need air."
The older gentleman didn't seem able to speak but he nodded, took his wife's arm and started to lead her out of the courtroom. The younger man looked up at Olivia, wide eyed and afraid.
"You're Olivia." He whispered, Olivia nodded, "I'm...I'm Sam. She-she said she told you-"
Olivia nodded slowly, "She did...and I see she told you…"
He looked back at the door where Sarah had been removed to, "I love her. But...what am I supposed to do? How do I fix this?"
Olivia frowned, "Sam you can't fix this…" He bowed his head, "You just...you just need to be there beside her. No matter what. Can you do that?"
He looked up, and looked at Olivia and then at Elliot. Elliot was standing behind Olivia, a gentle hand on her back. Elliot gave him a slow but firm nod. Sam licked his lips, took a deep breath and pulled at his shirt, "Yeah...I can do that."
Casey walked back to them and sighed, "I'm sorry Olivia...they won't let you go in."
Olivia nodded slowly, "Can Sam?"
Casey nodded, "Yes. The guards will take you...they'll give you a few minutes. She isn't going to be charged..but she does need to leave at least for today."
Sam nodded slowly and looked at Olivia, "What do I say?"
She smiled, "Tell her she did a great job...she's going to worry she screwed up but she didn't. She did more than anyone could have asked for."
Sam nodded, "O-okay." He turned to walk away, then looked back at Olivia, "Thank you for-" She shook her head and he nodded again before turning to walk away.
Casey turned to Olivia, "Liv I'm sorry-"
"It's not your fault." Olivia said quickly, "We see it all the time."
Elliot looked at his wife, then at his friend, "I don't know if Olivia should still testify…"
"Elliot...you know I don't have a choice. She was summoned by the defense. Even if I wanted too...refusing to testify would only cause more problems." Casey said.
Olivia looked back at him, "El I have to do this. We talked about it…"
He leaned into her, his eyes were wide with worry,"You're eight months pregnant. The stress-"
She sighed, "I know El. But...I have to do this. I already know what he's going to ask...it's not that hard to figure out. Casey and I have our plan."
He looked at her, then back to Casey and grumbled, "Fine."
Olivia felt him rush by her and she wanted to grab his arm, pull him back. But she knew that he needed a minute to cool off. Turning back to Casey, she shook her head, "Let him go."
Casey frowned, "I don't need the two of you arguing over this…"
Olivia smiled, "We'll be fine. Elliot and I have been through worse. He needs a little space...he's been bottling it all up. He's going to explode if he doesn't deal with it…"
Casey looked at the clock, "We will be out for at least another twenty."
Olivia nodded, "Okay." She reached out and squeezed Casey's hand, "You're doing great Casey."
Casey smiled nervously, "I want to win this. For you."
"And I have no doubt you will." She whispered, she looked behind her, "I'm going to-"
"Go." Casey said softly, "I'll go check on Sarah. I'll let you know if I hear anything."
Olivia turned, walked out of the courtroom and saw Elliot's kids standing off to the side. Kathy was holding Eli, Olivia caught her eye and she cocked her head towards the side entrance. Before walking away, Olivia glanced around the small space. Each person gave her a reassuring smile and she started to move. Pushing the door opened, she saw Elliot sitting on the steps of the courthouse all the way at the end.
Walking over to him, she stood beside him and waited. He looked up at her, then back down at the ground. She groaned, stepped down a step and sighed, "Not making this easy on your pregnant wife I see…"
Elliot instinctively reached out for her elbow, he helped ease her down, "Not making this easy for your worried husband I see…"
She turned towards him and frowned, "Touche." He smirked, "But you knew I was going to do this El. In fact you encouraged it."
He huffed and shook his head, "That was before I had to actually see the guy…"
Reaching out, she touched his shoulder, "El-"
"I would have gladly lunged across that table and knocked him out for Sarah." He said brushing absentmindedly at his leg.
"As much as I love protective Elliot…" He turned to her and she smiled, "I need you to not get arrested…"
Elliot took a deep breath, "Liv-"
"This morning you asked me to fight." She said leaning into him, "You told me you needed me. Well I'm telling you that I need you…" She took his hand and placed it on her belly, "We need you. So what are we going to do so that you can handle this? You've been bottling it up and I've been waiting for you to snap…"
He smiled softly, "You know me so well…"
"I do." She whispered, "I also know that if I tried to bring it up in the last few weeks you would have pushed me away. You've been spending so much time trying to be strong for me...you're not dealing with your feelings. But I'm okay Elliot. I'm fine."
"You're not fine." He whispered looking right at her, "I know you're not."
She took his hand and smiled, "I'm going to let you in on a little secret…" He cocked his head to the side curiously, "I've never been okay. Not since the day you met me...this crap with my-" She shook her head, not able to stay the word, "I've never been okay. But...I deal with it. In the last decade I've dealt with it better than usual because of you. So I know you think you aren't helping but you are. You always have. Just by being here."
Elliot lowered his head and sighed, "Damn you for making me fall in love with you...would be a lot easier if I didn't care."
She laughed and leaned in to kiss his cheek, "I know. Why do you think I pushed you away for so long?"
He turned to look at her and studied her face, "I like to fix things."
She smiled and nodded, "I know. But you can't fix this one El…"
He growled, "I also don't like being told I can't do something...makes me want to do it more."
She laughed, leaned down and kissed his shoulder, "I know."
Turning, he pressed a kiss to her forehead, then shifted so he could pull her into his arms, "I didn't mean to get angry."
"I know." She whispered again, "It's okay."
"I never told you this…" He whispered softly, his voice felt foreign to him, "I should have but I-"
She pulled back and stared at him, "El tell me…"
He licked his lips and looked at her, "A couple years into our partnership...I started having these dreams…" He looked down and sighed, "Not dreams. Nightmares."
She started to rub his back encouragingly, "I told you about mine...tell me about yours."
"It's always you...something terrible happening to you. Sometimes you were kidnapped...sometimes you got shot, stabbed...beat to death. Sometimes you were ra-" He paused and shook his head, "I could never get to you. I'd be running and running but it was like I was on a treadmill...never getting anywhere closer. And you'd be screaming...begging me to help you. But I never could get there and you'd-"
Sighing, she leaned in and kissed his cheek, "I'm right here El."
"I know." He whispered, "I know that...but the mere thought of something happens to you makes me lose control. It's like every part of my soul just gets all…" He closed his eyes, "When I said I need you...I meant that Liv. From the moment you entered my life that was true. It's changed in intensity over the years...but I've always needed you. And I always will."
Turning, she lifted his hand and pressed it into her belly, "You know that the only thing I want in this world is to be a Mom…" She smiled, "More specifically, I want to be the Mother of YOUR child." He smiled back, "Yes I'm scared. Yes I'm pissed. Yes I want to throttle him...watch him burn. But I want this more...I have never and will never break a promise to you. I promised to see this through, to fight and to not let this break me and I won't. So now I need you to promise me something…"
He took a deep breath and looked her straight in her eyes, "And what's that Benson?"
"I need you to promise me to not keep things bottled up. I need you to promise me that no matter what happens...that you'll trust me. Trust me to know that I won't do anything to hurt myself or this baby. I need you to promise me that you'll sit beside him, you'll hold my hand and when this is over…" She leaned in further, "That this won't change a single thing between us."
Elliot smiled softly, "That was a few things…"
She smiled and nodded, "It was. But I know you...and I know you won't deny me anything Stabler. You never have, and never will."
He took a deep breath and reached out to touch her face, "No I won't."
"So...I have your word?" She asked softly, "You'll figure out how to deal with this...you'll stay here with me and that this won't change anything?"
Leaning all the way in, he kissed her gently, "I promise."
She let out a little sigh of relief and nodded, "Okay…"
Elliot looked down at his watch, then stood up slowly and walked down a few steps before turning to her. He smiled gently, held out a hand and she let him pull her up. They both laughed when she had to steady herself, she looked down at her belly which he was almost eye level with. He reached out, touched it and felt a little kick.
"She'll be here soon…" He whispered softly, she put her hand over his, "I can't wait."
She nodded, "She'll make all this crap worth it…"
He walked up a few steps so he could kiss her, "Yes she will." He slipped his hand into hers and smiled, "Let's go."
As they walked up the steps, the doors opened and Sarah was walking out with Sam. The four of them stopped. Sam whispered something to Sarah and she nodded. Olivia looked at Elliot and he seemed to read her mind and understand. He leaned in, kissed her cheek and walked up the steps to give them a moment.
Sarah sighed and walked all the way over to her, "I'm so sorry Olivia."
Olivia quickly shook her head, "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for."
"I thought I could hold it together. I thought I'd be okay. But I saw him…" She sniffled, "I just couldn't...I couldn't-"
"I know." She whispered, "It's okay. You wouldn't be the first person who has had this kind of reaction."
Sarah shook her head quickly, "But what if I screwed th-"
"You didn't." Olivia said with a smile, "I promise that you didn't."
Sarah looked at her carefully, "You're still going to testify?"
Olivia nodded, "Tomorrow, yes."
Sarah took a deep breath, "Bury him."
Olivia smiled, "That's the plan…" She turned to look at Sam, "I see you talked to him…"
"He's been amazing." Sarah said, eyes welling with tears, "He never even flinched. Never waivered. He just held me...and told me he loved me. Said he'd be there and he hasn't left my side…"
Olivia looked past Sarah and saw Elliot standing just on the inside of the door and her heart flip flopped in her chest, "He loves you…"
"And I love him. I just hope it's enough...I need him now more than ever." She said honestly.
"He'll be there. I can tell." She looked back at him, "You call if you need anything."
"I will." She said, she reached out and squeezed her hand, "Will you take care of yourself and the baby?"
"I will." She smiled, "And when I start losing it…"
Sarah smiled, "Your husband will…"
"Exactly." She said, "Go home Sarah. You did a great job."
Sarah walked past Olivia and up to Sam, he put his arms out, he leaned in and hugged her. They linked hands and started to walk away. Olivia took a deep breath, walked up the steps and pushed the door open. Elliot gave her a look, asking her if everything was okay. She smiled, slipped her hand into his and together they walked back into the courthouse.
Later that night, Elliot lay in bed thinking. They had had dinner with their friends at the house. It was quiet, but it was a good distraction for everyone. It had been a long day and tomorrow would be even longer. Olivia walked out of the bathroom after a shower, dressed in one of his t-shirts.
She glanced over at him and could see he was deep in thought, "Kathy called when you were talking to Cragen. Eli wanted to say goodnight to me."
Elliot looked at her and smiled, "He loves you. He was upset that he wasn't allowed in there today…"
Olivia crawled into bed beside him, "Last thing I need is Eli to be terrified by all of this."
He nodded and reached for her hand, "I know. I don't want that either."
She looked at him, his face was pale and his lips were turned down in a frown, "El…" He looked up at her and she whispered, "You promised you'd find a way to deal with this."
He leaned against the headboard, "I did…"
Reaching out, she touched his cheek and then his lower lip, "So what are we going to do?"
"We?" He asked softly, she gave him a little smile and he nodded, "Right...we."
"Uh huh...we." She whispered back, "So…?"
Elliot looked at her and then scooted down on the bed, he put his arm out and used his other hand to pat his chest. She smiled and understood what he wanted and needed. She also knew that it was exactly what she needed too. Lowering herself onto the bed, she rested her head against his chest and wrapped one arm around his stomach. They lay together quitely, neither of them needing to say anything. At least not at first…
Elliot started to run his hands through her hair, "Remember the first time we lay like this?"
She nodded against his chest, "I do."
Elliot smiled and pressed a kiss to her forehead, "I was having the shittiest day. Work sucked. I got in a fender bender leaving work...Munch was making me crazy. Kathy and I got into an argument because I forgot to send the twins in their permission forms for some field trip…"
She ran her hand across his abdomen, feeling the hard muscles under her touch quiver slightly, "You were a terror. I was pretty sure Munch was going to quit."
He chuckled, "Didn't I toss a stapler at him?"
"You did. Thankfully he still has pretty good reflexes…" She said squeezing his side, she leaned up and smiled at him, "Cragen made me take you home...he said if you didn't go you'd be on desk duty for a month."
Elliot smirked, "Mhm…" He turned to look at her and smiled, "I paced in my apartment for what felt like hours...I don't even remember half the crap I said."
"There were a lot of expletives I won't repeat for the sake of our child in the womb, her ears are pretty fully developed these days…" She said with a little laugh.
Elliot reached up and cupped her cheek, needing to be touching some part of her to stay calm, "You let me rant and rave. Something you'd done for years...but this time was different."
She smiled, "Of course it was different. We weren't just work partners anymore…"
"Not that I minded going to get drinks as partners...I prefer girlfriend Olivia's methods of comfort to Partner Olivia's…" He said with a smile.
She rolled her eyes, "Of course you do…"
Elliot shook his head, "I'm not talking about sex." He paused and then laughed, "Although I do enjoy that method of comfort too…"
She playfully smacked his chest and went to roll away from him, "You're the worst…"
He reached out for her hips and turned her back towards him, "No I'm not."
"No. You're not." She whispered, pressing a kiss to his lips.
He lay back down and patted his chest again, when she didn't move he gave her a little pout. She rolled her eyes but smiled, and settled in beside him again. His hand went to her hair and continued running it through his hands. Her ear was pressed against his chest and she could hear the soft but steady thumping of his heart. She waited patiently, knowing he'd continue when he was ready.
And sure enough, he started to talk again, "After I bitched and moaned enough to write a novel...you dragged me back to my room. Now for a second...I thought you were going to help release the stress by-" She pinched his side and he laughed, "Instead, you crawled into bed with me and just lay with me. I remember feeling so confused at first...I wasn't usually the type of guy to just…" He smiled and pressed a kiss to her head, "But for whatever reason, I just lay there. I remember smelling your shampoo first, the one that makes me crazy. I remember how warm your body felt, how soft your skin was...how you just lay there with me. You didn't ask me anything. Didn't push me to talk. I could feel your heart beat mixing with mine like they were in sync. We were always in sync…" He sighed and breathed her in, "You just waited...and then everything stopped spinning. The world just froze for a moment in time and for the first time in a really long time I felt safe."
She smiled against his chest and pressed a kiss just above his heart, "You telling me I make you feel safe El?"
Gently, he rolled her over and stared deep into her eyes, "Yeah. I am. Is that okay?"
Tears pricked in her eyes and she touched his cheek, "Of course it's okay. Because that's exactly how you make me feel too…"
His eyes searched her face, then he swallowed hard and whispered, "Just thinking about tomorrow scares the crap out of me…"
"Me too." She whispered honestly, "More than I'd like to admit actually."
"So then tonight...can we just keep each other safe?" He asked hopefully, his voice so raw and full of emotion it broke her heart, "Just be...Olivia and Elliot. Not Detective Stabler and Detective Benson...not people who need to seek justice for others. Can we just be us? Two people who love each other and want to feel safe? Even if it can't last?"
She cupped the back of his head, pulled him down and pressed her lips to his, "Yes."
He kissed her just as tenderly as she had kissed him, then rolled into his back and put his arm out again. She didn't hesitate, but curled herself up against him and went back to listening to his heartbeat in his chest. She held him closer when he started to whisper words of love, strength and understanding. And she whispered them right back…
Neither of them knew what was going to happen tomorrow, but they knew no matter what they could come back here. Together. And they'd both be safe…