W: I am so stressed that sunlight hurts. I am God's mistake.

D: Sing that to the tune of "Old MacDonald"

W: it didn't help

D: it wasn't supposed to I just thought it was funny

W: Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) texting a coded message

D: should I be concerned?

W: there's no food in my house *dying whale noise*

D: Whales be like: there is no krill in the ocean *whining teenager noise*

D: The word 'Hello' only began being used as a greeting when the telephone was invented, credited as a suggestion by Thomas Edison to be used when answering the phone. Alexander Graham Bell, his competitor, preferred 'Ahoy'

W: they took Ahoy from us

W: just learned that the word 'ferret' is derived from the Latin word furittus meaning 'LITTLE THIEF' and that a group of ferrets is called a BUSINESS

D: I am enriched by this knowledge, thank you

D: Tips for artists on how to draw an anatomically accurate man -

W: what

D: 1. Draw a chicken. 2. Erase the feather from the chicken.

D: 3. Behold. A man.

W: I just watched a woman drink laundry detergent at Walmart. Bottle to mouth. In the isle.

W: I said NOTHING but when we made eye contact she just gasped and was like 'IM GONNA BUY IT!'

W: GURL IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU BUYING IT WTF ARE YOU DOING

W: teach a man to fish and he'll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you're an idiot

D: but why is this so true

D: I don't have a nervous system

D: I AM a nervous system

W: okay but why is this coming up right now

D: I only argue when I know I'm right which is why I'm always arguing

D: do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard someone ring a bell?

W: …oh my gosh

D: Gonna go stand in a creek do you need anything

W: yeah

W: I need you to find a leaf

W: and gently set it in the water

W: and watch solemnly as it floats away

D: finally a reasonable request

W: I just walked by the karate place near my house, and they are letting all the kids wear their Halloween costumes

W: I just saw Kylo Ren get his ass kicked by a taco

D: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people

W: so thats why you have every single one of my and Roy's hoodies?

D: I love sleeve smacking people

D: Like flippity flop you need to stop

D: whippity whap don't talk crap

W: do we have to do this now

D: tbh sometimes you just gotta let me be dramatic because I will get over it but let me be dramatic first

W: november is the Thursday of months

D: huh?

W: November is like if you took October and December but instead of adding them together you subtracted them from each other

D: I have no idea what this means but I know it's true on a gut level

D: I relate to the Millennium Falcon because I too am referred to as garbage and my motivator is broken

W: same tho

W: a small joy in my life is that my cousin is dating a guy with the same name as her cat and human Nigel hates that we call him human Nigel

D: hearing the gossip from your extended family is the favorite part of my week

W: last night I was denouncing this total sh*thead guy that I had to do a group project with, and said 'even the ground wouldn't want him to rot in it' and was instantly projected into the body of a gnarled old Irish woman 200 years ago, spinning thread on the ground as I bitch and look out to the sea

D: when you bitch so hard you astral project into one of your past lives

W: I think I'm going to be a slut for Halloween

D: no you're supposed to dress up

please send encouragement, writer's block is killing me slowly XD