D: Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

D: A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

D: Scrappy doo has been found dead in Miami

W: is he okay

D: he's alright but he died

W: Bed bath and behind you

D: Bed bath and beware

D: Here's a concept: me, riding your ceiling fan like a gargoyle.

D: You, smacking me with a broom.

D: Both of us are yelling

D: Remember, birdwatching goes both ways

W: Thats vaguely threatening. Thank you.

W: Here's the thing.

W: If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew the whole time that Rudolph was being bullied.

D: Good morning

D: I went to chick-fil-a for breakfast and my total came out to $6.66 so the cashier changed it to $6.26 and gave a me a large lemonade for free. The devil works hard but damn do chick-fil-a employees work harder.

W: *hears thunder* Thor if thats you bitch I love you

D: This is Zeus erasure

W: Zeus deserves to be erased

W: I before E except for after C

D: Then explain Poseidon

W: He is the Sea

D: Listen here you little sh*t

D: I've never been one to half ass shenanigans

W: I never said you were

W: When you die your voice is added to the chorus of children yelling 'aye aye captain' in the sponge bob intro

D: Here's a penny for your thoughts and a quarter to not tell them to me

W: I don't know what just happened, but I was at the animal shelter and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went "I want that one" and his mom just looked at me and said, "you can't have that, that's a teenage boy."

D: Honest mistake

D: Just cause I'm on the good side doesn't mean I don't know 200 ways to kill a man

W: You could glue a jar of rats to his face and blowtorch the other side of the jar so the rats have to eat their way through his face

D: …201

D: What are you doing

W: Oh the usual

D: What's the usual

W: Ritual searching

D: I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life

W: I know this and I love you

W: What would you do if I spat water at you

D: Idk, probably cry

W: A lemon is not a naturally occurring fruit, it's actually bred from a sour orange and a citron, the sour orange itself being bred from a pomelo and mandarin. So it's not the product of evolution, but selective breeding

R: So life didn't give us lemons?

D: When life doesn't give you lemons you invent them yourself

W: It's not actually known if lemons were made by humans or if they were just natural hybrids of citrons and sour oranges. Apparently, its super common for citrons to fertilize basically anything they're near

R: Great now we gotta kink shame the fruit

R: Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get Wendy's. It was worth it but still, sorry

R: okay so Ollie just almost fell down the stairs and now we are in a heated debate as to whether my gasp was out of fear for his safety or excitement about a possible life insurance payout

D: Bigfoot but shaved

W: Mr. Clean

R: Texts like this is why I regularly block you guys

R: I was just at McDonalds and this lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking too long to order.

R: So naturally I paid for her food.

R: When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food.

R: I paid for it, it's mine.

W: Not gonna lie…

D: You had us in the first half

Oh Roy, I love you XD

Keep an eye out for the next story I post, it's gonna be one of my favorites!

(P.S. can anyone remember if I've used the birdwatching text before?)