So as happy as we are that Olivia is awake...I went down a different road for this chapter. I think it's important. As I mentioned before, there's also more Kathy/Olivia/Elliot in this and I hope it will make sense.
This one is for all that Momma's out there who don't feel like they can ask for help when they need it. To all the Momma's who get up everyday and put on a smile even when you're struggling. You're the real MVP's.
Olivia sat on the bed, smiling at Serena from her carseat. Today they were going home. It had been over a week and she was more than ready to settle back into their home. To bring Serena to her home. And yet...the thought of stepping outside these walls was starting to terrify her.
She hated admitting that. But she felt safe here.
The door opened and Fin walked in, "Hey."
She looked up at him, pushed her hair out of her face and smiled trying to hide her fear, "Hey Fin…"
"Elliot's just bringing the car around." He said, giving her a look, "I told him you guys can borrow my car if you need it. I live close enough to work that I can just-"
"That's...that's nice of you." She said softly, "But it's not necessary."
Fin walked over to her and put a hand on her arm, "Olivia…"
She looked up at him and smiled, "Fin I'm fine-"
"It's okay not to be." He said with a shrug, "With everything you've been through...it's okay to say that you're scared. Hell...we're all scared."
She frowned at him and shook her head, "Fin-"
"We care Olivia. Standing outside that car...knowing what could happen." He frowned and looked down at the baby in the car seat, "We were terrified too."
She let out a little sigh and looked at Serena, "I'm afraid that once we step outside…"
"I know." He leaned forward and kissed the top of her head, "But you can't lock yourself in here forever Olivia. There's good out there too…"
She glanced back up at him and smiled, "Okay…"
The door opened again and Elliot walked in, he saw the tears in her eyes and the look on her face and his heart ached. He didn't need to ask what the problem was because he knew. He felt it too. Fin pulled back, squeezed Olivia's shoulder and looked down at Serena who was wide awake in her seat, "Can I bring her down?"
Olivia looked at her daughter, and for a moment she wanted to say no. Wanted to pull her close and never let her go. But she trusted Fin with her life...and her daughter's life. She nodded, "Yeah. That would be great. Thank you Fin."
Fin carefully picked up the carrier, gave her and Elliot a quick smile and then turned to walk out of the room. Elliot watched him go and then walked over to his wife. She looked away from him at first, and it wasn't until he stood directly in front of her that she stopped. She reached out, gripped his shirt tightly and he felt her shaking. Leaning forward, he held her head in his hands and she pressed her forehead against his chest. They stayed like that for a moment, not wanting to break the spell for fear of letting it all fall apart.
"Serena deserves to go see her home…" He whispered, she clung to him tighter and he sighed, "And I want to sleep in a bed with you without being afraid to fall off and break my neck."
She laughed slightly, but he could tell she was crying, "Elliot."
He kissed the top of her head, "I know what you're afraid of. I'm afraid too. But we promised to do this together." He pulled her head back, wiped her tears away with his thumbs and smiled down at her, "So...are you ready?"
She sucked in her lower lip and nodded slowly, "Yes."
"Good." He helped her off the bed, pulled her up and helped her gather the last of her things.
They walked out into the hallway, said goodbye to the nurses and doctors who had taken such good care of all of them. Stepping into the elevator, Elliot took her hand and squeezed. She squeezed it right back and willed her heart to stop pounding so hard. When they stepped onto the sidewalk, she looked to the left and saw Fin standing by the car with Munch. Both of them were leaning over Serena and talking to her. Serena was smiling up at them and her heart swelled.
Elliot placed a hand on her lower back and urged her forward, "Just remember who your favorite Godfather is." Munch was saying to her.
"Yeah. Me." Fin said leaning forward to tickle her gently, "Isn't that right babygirl? Uncle Fin is your favorite."
Olivia smiled at them, "Oh look...two of New York's finest turning into saps because of a tiny newborn baby."
Both men jumped back and frowned, "Damn Liv...don't sneak up on us like that."
Olivia raised an eyebrow and made a sound with her tongue, "No swearing in front of your Goddaughter Detective Tutuola. Otherwise your title will be revoked and Munch will take this job on his own."
Fin glared at her, "You wouldn't trust him that much."
She smiled at him, "Hopefully we don't have to find out."
Munch rolled his eyes, "Let me help you with the bags Elliot."
Elliot smiled and handed Munch one of the bags and they went around the back of the car to start packing it up. Olivia stepped up to the car and started tugging at the carseat. Fin put a hand on her back and whispered, "We checked and double checked."
"Hm?" She looked at him and tried to smile, "Right. Yeah I knew you would."
He smiled at her, "But it can't hurt to check again…"
She gnawed at her lower lip and nodded, "No. It can't."
She pulled at the straps, the buckles and saw that the carseat didn't budge. She glanced around at the cars passing by in a blur on the busy street. She let out a little huff and sighed. Fin rubbed her back encouragingly as Elliot rounded the car towards them.
"Thanks guys." Elliot said, "I think we got it from here."
Fin nodded, "Sure. Give us a call if you need anything. Cragen already said the only extra time we get off is for babyduty. I wouldn't be surprised if he's at your house right now."
Olivia tugged at her light cardigan, "We're fine. Go back to work."
Fin rolled his eyes, "Must I? You forget that I'm stuck with Munch now...and seeing as you're taking an extended leave...I'm dreading it."
She smiled slightly, "You'll be fine."
He stepped closer to her, put two hands on her shoulders and nodded, "And so will you."
Her smile faltered but she nodded slowly, "Thanks Fin."
Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to her cheek and stepped back. Munch walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her gently, knowing she was still sore. "We'll call tomorrow."
She held him back, "Okay."
Both men said goodbye to Elliot and then walked to Munch's car and drove off. Elliot opened the passenger door, he turned back to Olivia and smiled, "You ready?"
She looked at Serena, wanted to crawl in beside her and set up house in the car. But she knew she couldn't, "Uh...yeah."
He reached out, touched her shoulder and whispered, "We can do this Liv."
Her eyes lifted and she looked at him, "I'm just-"
"I know." He said softly, "Trust me. I feel it too. But...we can't stand here forever." He smiled gently and held his hand out to her, "So...let's take the jump together."
She stepped up to him, pressed herself up on her toes and kissed him, "Together."
Resting his forehead against her for a moment he whispered, "I love you."
She kissed him again and smiled, "I love you too."
She climbed into the passenger seat and felt her heart start to pound a little as memories washed over her. She saw Elliot close the door beside her. She looked in the mirror to check on Serena and saw her looking around at her new surroundings. Elliot slipped in beside her and his eyes followed hers. He gave her a little nod, took out the keys and slipped them in the ignition. They both reached for their seatbelts as they tugged them on. Elliot's hands went to the steering wheel, and he paused. For a moment he seemed frozen. So she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. She felt him relax slightly and when she squeezed his bicep.
He took the hint, took a breath and started to drive.
Forty minutes later, they pulled up in front of the house and they both seemed to let out the breath they had been holding in. Elliot parked the car, turned to her and smiled. She smiled back and then looked at the house and sighed. She felt him lean across the console and kiss her cheek, "Welcome home."
She felt tears prickling in her eyes and she whispered back, "Home…"
Pressing one more kiss to her cheek, he went to get out of the car. She followed suit and opened the back door as he went to retrieve their bags. Serena was still awake and looked up at her Mother expectantly. Olivia smiled, unhooked the carseat and carefully eased it out of the backseat. Elliot had run up to the front door, unlocked the door and set the bags inside. Then he came back, took the car seat from her and smiled as they started to walk up the front walkway together.
She knew that her friends and family had wanted to welcome them home. But she also knew that Elliot had told them they needed to settle in a little first. As much as she loved them, she was grateful that he had felt that way because she did too. Stepping into the foyer for the first time in over a week she took a deep breath and felt her body relax. She smiled when she saw the place was spotless, clearly her friends had been by.
Her eyes roamed the room and smiled when she saw a handmade banner that read 'Welcome Home!' draped across the staircase.
"Eli." Elliot said with a smile, "With a little help from Lizzie and Richie I think."
She smiled and nodded as she walked further into the house and then froze, "Crap…"
Elliot walked up behind her and placed Serena down on the counter, "What?"
She looked back at him nervously, "Well...we weren't exactly expecting her so soon. We need-"
He shook his head, "It's all taken care of." She gave him a look and he smiled, "Maureen and Kathleen picked up all the last minute things we need for the baby. Her room is officially done. Casey and Kathy stocked the fridge full of food and enough formula to get us by until you're cleared to try and start breastfeeding. We're all set."
She let out a little breath and smiled, "Oh...okay."
He smiled, walked over to her and kissed her gently, "Breathe Liv. Just breathe…"
She looked him in the eye and smiled, she nodded once, "Breathing…"
He smiled and looked down at Serena, "Well little one...want a little tour of your new pad?"
Olivia laughed a little and felt her heart squeeze in her chest as she saw him lift her carefully out of the carrier. He was such a natural. Five kids would do that to a man but God it made her love him even more. Serena cooed up at her Dad as he turned her slowly so she was looking out in front of him. He held her to his chest and bounced up and down as he walked around the room.
"This is the kitchen...where eventually you'll sit in a highchair and make a mess." He heard Olivia laughing behind him, "The dining room where you'll fight with your siblings. There are a lot of them…" He turned to the back window, "And there is the backyard...you'll be running around back there with Eli before you know it. Maybe I'll eventually give in and let your Mom get that dog she always begs for."
"Doubtful." She said with a little laugh, "But I'll keep trying."
Elliot turned to look at her and smiled, "I look forward to seeing you try." He turned towards the living room, "Here's the living room where your toys will soon be scattered around. Hopefully I don't break a toe like I did when I stepped on Richie's lego's back in the day."
"Elliot…" She walked up behind him, feeling her heart pounding in her chest.
He smiled at her and continued to walk throughout the house, he rounded the corner, "Let's go check out your personal digs."
Olivia followed him, walking slowly as her body still ached from the accident and the birth. He walked slowly though to keep the baby safe. She watched him show her Eli's room and the twins. He poked his head into the bathroom and smiled, "Eventually we'll have bath time here. Until you're big enough...we'll still with the kitchen sink downstairs. I'm hoping you like baths more than Lizzie did. Man she could scream...I think my ears are still ringing from the sound all these years later."
He shut the door behind him carefully and walked towards their bedroom, "This is where your Mom and I sleep...you'll hang in here with us for a while. And whenever you have a nightmare you're welcome in here. Just maybe...knock first."
Olivia laughed and wiped a tear away, "Elliot!"
He gave her a smirk and then turned again to walk towards her bedroom, "And this Serena...this is your space. Your room. Where you'll learn and grow...where you'll eventually lock yourself away when you're a teenager and give me a damn heart attack talking to boys on the telephone."
Olivia leaned against the doorframe and smiled, "I promise I'll try and keep him from embarrassing you too much kid."
Elliot smiled and bounced her around, "What do you think Serena? You like it?" He nodded towards the back wall, "Your sisters painted that for you."
Olivia followed his gaze, confused by his statement and then she gasped, "When?"
He smiled, "When you were in the hospital."
On the wall the girls had sketched and painted "Serena" in beautiful swirling purple and blue betters with white daisies and vines intertwining their letters. "I-"
"They asked me for permission awhile back...but I didn't tell them her name until after she was born. Just on the off chance that we were wrong and it was a boy." He smiled and kissed Serena's head, "But you were right. You're always right."
Olivia beamed over at him and shook her head, "El…"
He smiled, knowing what she was thinking and he walked over to her. Shifting Serena in his arms, he let her little head rest against his chest so she could feel his heartbeat. Olivia reached for him, placed a gentle hand on his cheek. He leaned into her and smiled, "This is your life Liv. Our life."
She looked down at Serena and touched the back of her small head, "Yeah...I know."
He used one hand to pull her towards him, "You. Me. Serena. My five crazy kids. This is real. He's gone. You're home. It's over. We can just...we can be happy now. And no one deserves it more than you."
She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head under his chin, on the opposite side of Serena. She felt him kiss her head, then the babies and she sighed feeling the stress, the fear, the emotion start to wash away. At least for now...
She held him closer and sighed, "Welcome home baby girl…"
The next day, Elliot was fast asleep in bed which is exactly where she wanted him. She knew he hadn't slept well, if at all the last week and she wanted him to rest. She pulled herself out of the bed and cringed when she felt the pain course through her body. Sighing, she reached for the pill bottle and took two pills with a mouthful of water.
She gave Elliot one last look, then walked over to the bassinet where Serena was. She was wide awake but not crying. She was swaddled and she smiled as Serena's eyes got wider and brighter looking at her Mother. "Hi baby…"
Leaning down, she pulled Serena into her arms and started to rock her when she made a few little noises. Not wanting to wake Elliot, she turned and walked down the hall towards Serena's room. Carefully, she lay her down on the changing table and went to check her diaper. Sure enough it needed to be changed. It felt so natural to her to be standing here changing her daughter. Like she had done it a million times before.
And then the reality of the situation hit her like a bullet in the chest. The reality that this almost didn't happen. That this moment was almost taken from her. Her knees trembled and she fell forward slightly, catching herself before she fell against the changing table. She didn't want to startle Serena but the look on her face must have done just that.
She squeezed the table edges in her hand as Serena's cries got louder and louder. She wanted to reach for her daughter. She wanted to comfort her. But the panic rose in her chest. The thoughts that she had been suppressing. The pain. She stumbled backwards, away from Serena as if she was live ammunition. She hit the wall and her knees buckled and everything started to get fuzzy.
Serena was screaming louder and Elliot flew into the room. His eyes darted from Olivia to Serena. He saw Olivia trembling. Not just trembling, but fully shaking, bone rattling kind of shaking. He wanted to reach for her, but he saw Serena flailing on the table and he went to her first. He quickly strapped on a new clean diaper, grabbed a blanket and swaddled her close, bouncing as he walked towards Olivia.
"Olivia." She shook her head, pushed herself into the wall and he frowned, Serena cried harder, "Liv look at me."
She leaned forward, hung her head and started breathing quick and fast, "I can't. I can't."
Elliot's heart was pounding in his chest as he watched her, "Olivia take a deep breath." She didn't move and the panic in him rose, "Can you do that for me? Please?"
She was crying harder, her body shook with spasms. "I can't El. I can't. I can't do this."
Elliot licked his lips and kissed Serena's head gently, "Okay. Okay. Stay there. Just hang tight for a second Liv. Keep breathing."
He rubbed Serena's back and walked into the bedroom, when he felt she was calm enough, he placed her in the bassinet. She hiccuped slightly, still upset but calmer. He ran to his cellphone on the bedside table and punched in the first number he could think of. "Hi. Hey...look I know it's early. I'm sorry-I don't even know." He paused when he heard Serena crying again, "I-I don't think I have the right to ask but I need-Liv's...and Serena is-"
"I'll be there in ten minutes. Hang tight." The voice said quickly.
He hung up the phone, checked on Serena and saw that she was beginning to fall asleep again. He made a decision, walked down the hall and found Olivia right where he had left her. Kneeling down on the ground, he reached for her and she flinched.
"Hey...hey. Olivia what's wrong?" He asked, she was still shaking and crying, "Liv baby...it's okay. Everything is okay."
"I can't...I can't breathe." She leaned forward again, "I can't breathe."
He lowered her all the way to the ground and pulled her into his arms, "Close your eyes. I'm right here. Serena's asleep...she's fine."
"But she almost wasn't. I-I-al-almost wasn't." She dug the heel of her hands into her eyes, "Fuck."
"Okay…" He started to rock her gently, trying to soothe her, "I know. I know Liv. I know. But you are here. You're here...just try and breathe for me. Okay? Focus on my voice...just breathe. Breathe babe."
She clung to him and let him soothe her, "El...I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He shook his head and continued to rub her back, "You have nothing to apologize for. It's okay…"
She cried harder, "I can't even take care of our baby. What is wrong with me?"
"There is nothing wrong with you." He said pressing a kiss to her head, "Liv you just went through something incredibly traumatic on so many levels. And you had a baby...your body is just, it's in shock. It's okay."
"I'm a bad Mother." She hiccuped, "Less than a week and I'm already a bad mother."
He pulled away quickly and held her arms, "Don't you dare. Don't say that. You are NOT a bad mother Olivia."
The tears continued to fall, "I can't do this. I don't know how to do this. I'm going to screw her up. I already have! She could have died in that car. She could have just fallen off that table and I just backed away. I couldn't hold it together enough to protect her. I can't do this!"
"Olivia." He moved so he was kneeling in front of her, "Listen to me." She shook her head more adamantly, "Please…"
"No." She said shaking again, "No Elliot. Don't. Don't."
"Elliot?" A voice asked from behind them and Elliot froze, suddenly afraid he had made the wrong choice.
Olivia froze in his arms and she looked up, her mouth hung open in shock, "You called Kathy?"
He cringed slightly, "Liv...I didn't know what to do. Serena was crying...and you were-"
"Fuck." She pulled herself out of his grasp and stumbled, ignoring the aching in her body, "Christ." She looked at Kathy who looked nervous too, "I...I can't do this."
Kathy looked at Elliot and then back to Olivia, "Olivia, it's okay."
Olivia glared up at her as she felt Elliot pull himself off the floor and try to reach for her, "No. It really isn't. I'm not you Kathy. And maybe that's always been the problem."
Before anyone could say another word, Olivia stumbled down the hallway towards the bedroom. She paused when she saw Serena asleep in her bed. The sob erupted in her throat and she wanted to grab her baby and never let go. But she heard Elliot and Kathy talking behind her and she started to cry again. She turned left and walked straight towards the bathroom before she whipped the door open, and slammed it shut behind her.
Immediately she heard Serena crying on the other side of the door and she collapsed to the floor. She huddled in a ball against the tub and let her body break down. She'd been holding it in for the last week. Hell...the last few months...maybe even her whole life. She always needed to be strong. She had needed to make it through the case. Protect her daughter. And now Serena was here...but it was still all falling apart. She thought it would get easier...but it felt like too much to handle now.
And outside the door was her husband...with his ex-wife. She liked Kathy. She'd even venture to say she loved her. She respected her as a woman, as a mother. But there was part of her, even a small part of her that would always feel inferior. She knew that Elliot was probably panicked. She knew that he loved her. But asking Kathy to come pick up the pieces of her inability to be a Mother stung. Even if he didn't mean it that way…
Outside the door, Elliot was cradling Serena in his arms. Kathy was awkwardly standing by the bedroom door. She'd been in their house but she had never actually walked into their bedroom. She was over Elliot, completely and totally. She loved Olivia and was more than happy for them. But she couldn't pretend this wasn't odd.
"Elliot…" She whispered, "She's probably suffering from postpartum. With all the stress...and the trauma of the birth...it makes sense."
He cringed, "I've never seen her like that. Maybe I shouldn't have called you...I just didn't know who else…"
She nodded, "Let me try and talk to her."
He sighed and shook his head, "I'm not sure that's the best idea…"
She took a deep breath, "I know that it's strange...that our relationship is different. But as a Mother I can understand what she is feeling to a certain extent."
He paused and looked at her, "You never-"
She smiled at him, "Of course I did. You just weren't always around to see it." He looked hurt and she sighed, "It's okay El. I managed. But giving birth...it's a lot. The whole process. It's draining from start to finish. I can't even imagine going through it during what she was going through. To be honest...the last few months I've been concerned the stress would be too much. She's held it together...but she needed this. She needed to let it out. Let me try and talk to her…woman to woman."
Elliot looked at the bathroom door, then down at Serena who was still crying softly in his arms, "Yeah...yeah okay. But if-"
"If she wants me to go I will. I promise." She said softly, she waited and he nodded, "Take Serena downstairs. Feed her. Keep her entertained. It will be okay."
Elliot's eyes flickered to the door again and then he sighed before walking towards the door, he turned to Kathy, "Kath-"
She shook her head and offered him a small smile, "Just remember this when Lucas and I get married. Okay?"
He smiled at her, "Did he-"
She nodded and held up her hand, "He proposed last week. I didn't want...there was a lot going on."
He smiled again, "I'm happy for you Kath. He's a great guy."
She nodded, "I know. And thank you. Now...go."
Elliot took a deep breath, rubbed Serena's back and started to walk towards the stairs. He just hoped that he hadn't gone too far in trying to protect his wife. Back in their room, Kathy took a few deep breaths before walking to the bathroom door. She lifted her hand, went to knock and heard Olivia sobbing on the other side of the door. Her heart ached for her and she began to knock gently.
The crying stopped for a minute, "Olivia, can I come in?" There was no response, "Please? Look I know this is…" She paused again, "Although now that I think about it...this feels vaguely familiar. Only the roles are reversed. Do you remember?"
On the other side of the door, Olivia pulled herself up into a sitting position and looked at the door. She knew exactly what Kathy was talking about...though she had never told Elliot about that night.
Olivia ran up the steps to Elliot's old house. Kathy had called frantically and she could hear Eli screaming in the background. Elliot was at work caught in a tough case. Kathy had begged her not to call him and suddenly she was feeling nervous, not wanting to rock the boat of their still new relationship. Before she could even knock, the door was flung open. A completely disheveled looking Kathy was staring at her completely lost and terrified.
"Thank God you're here." She grabbed Olivia's arm and yanked her into the house.
Olivia looked around, the place was a mess and she could still hear Eli crying, "Kathy...what's going on?"
"He won't stop." She said as the tears welled in her own eyes, "He's just like Richie. He screamed day and day out. He won't stop. I can't...I can't stop him. He won't take anything I give him."
Olivia licked her lips, "Kathy-"
"Elliot can't know. He'll think I'm not capable of taking care of Eli. He won't let me have custody." She was shaking now."Hey...no." She walked over to her, "Kathy, Elliot would never take Eli from you. You know that. Never.""I'm a bad Mother." Kathy said her voice cracking, her body shaking, "This isn't the first time...I mean with each of them it was exhausting. I love my children. God I love them more than anything. But sometimes...it's so fucking hard."
Olivia put her hand on Kathy's shoulder, "You are NOT
a bad mother Kathy. You are an incredible Mother. You've had five amazing children who are so lucky to have you in their life. No one expects you to be Superwoman all the time. You're allowed to be vulnerable...to ask for help."
Kathy's lip trembled, "Olivia...I'm sorry I called you."
She shook her head, "Don't be. I'm glad you did...I mean I know things are-" She paused for a moment, "It's complicated. And sometimes I still don't know why you even tolerate me. But...I made a promise to you. To Elliot…" She looked at the staircase, "To Eli. I'm here to help you anyway I can."
Kathy took a deep breath, "Do you remember that time you came to the twins birthday party? I think they were...maybe three? Richie was a mess. He's never been good when he had sugar. He was a terror. Lizzie kept crying because Richie broke half the new toys they got. I was trying so hard to get him to stop. Elliot was with Maureen and Kathleen keeping them distracted and the kids at the party. And I just wanted to...I wanted to scream. I almost did...but then you were there. And you picked up Richie. You made him laugh...distracted him. Got him to calm down. You cleaned him up...and got him to fall asleep all within 45 minutes and I was shocked. And...God I was a bit jealous. But I was also so grateful...grateful that someone could do what I couldn't do."
Olivia smiled at her, "And how many times was I not here? How many times have you done it all without me here? Without Elliot? Kathy...you are the best Mother I know. If I ever-" She paused, her cheeks flushed, "I…"
"You'll be a Mother." Kathy whispered, "I know you will. You already act like one to my children."
Olivia swallowed hard, "Kathy-"
She shook her head, "It's okay. I-" She smiled sadly, "I want that for you. For Elliot too. But…" She looked up as the crying got louder, "Right now I just want him to stop crying…"
Olivia nodded slowly, "Why don't you go take a bath...have something to eat. I've got it."
She saw Kathy let out a little sigh of relief before walking down the hallway towards the kitchen. Olivia walked upstairs and followed the sound of Eli's crying. Leaning down, she picked up his flailing body out of the crib and pressed his tiny body to his chest.
"Hey little man...take a deep breath." Eli squirmed in her arms, "I've got you. Olivia's got you...you're safe."
Eli continued to cry but it got softer, less frantic. She smiled, pressed a kiss to his little head and started to pace the room. The little boy struggled but snuggled further into Olivia's chest, his little hands clinging to her shirt. Olivia hummed softly and Eli's cries started to subside. She smiled, rubbed his little back and then settled into the rocking chair in the corner.
"There you go little man...you're okay." She held him out in front of her so she could see his face, "You're pretty cute...you know that?" Eli looked up at her, his clear blue eyes and she smiled, "Just like your Daddy...you'll be a little heartbreaker." Eli cooed softly and she rolled her eyes, "God help us all...a second Elliot Stabler." She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his nose, "I know being a baby is tough...but you gotta give your Mom a break bud. She's doing her best. You don't know it yet...but you hit the Mom jackpot. She's Superwoman…"
She didn't notice Kathy standing in the doorway as she spoke, "She has managed to give birth to you, your brother and your sisters. She holds it together all the time. She never lets you down. That's what a Mom is supposed to do. But she's allowed to crack sometimes...I can imagine the strain she feels. I don't know if I'll ever be lucky enough to have a baby of my own...but if I am...I hope I can be half as amazing as she is"
"See? You make it really hard to hate you." Kathy teased.
Olivia looked up, her cheeks blushed, "Kathy."
"I was coming to bring him a bottle just in case…" She whispered, "But he seems perfectly content with you."
Olivia bit her lip, "Kathy it doesn't mean-"
"I know." She said with a smile, "I think...I'm calming down too.""Come sit." Olivia said, "Come on...I won't bite."
Kathy smiled and stepped into the room and sat in the chair in the corner, "It's just...exhausting sometimes. The worrying. I didn't expect to be doing this again. Not now...I mean I love Eli but it's-"
"Complicated." Olivia said and Kathy nodded, "I know...look I'm sorry if-""No." Kathy said, shaking her head, "Don't do that. I won't say that Eli is a mistake but Elliot and I had no business...I mean yes we were-" She sighed, "But we didn't love each other. Not anymore...we haven't for a very long time. A very, very long time."
Olivia nodded, "Kathy it's okay to ask for help...and maybe it's strange asking me for help but I'm glad you did. I hope you know you always can. I want to be here for you...and Eli. All the kids. I plan on being around for a long time…" Her cheeks blushed, "So...please lean on me when you need it."
Kathy smiled at her, "I'll take you up on that offer." She paused and looked back, "Do you think I could just...sleep? Even for an hour?"
Olivia smiled, "Take all the time you need. We'll be just fine."
Kathy started to walk towards the door and then paused, she turned back to Olivia, "Can you do me one favor?"
Olivia knew what she was going to say before she said it, "I won't tell him."
Kathy let out a little sigh, "Thank you."
Olivia stood on shaky legs, she walked towards the door and opened it. Kathy smiled at her gently, and Olivia tugged at her shirt, "Serena-"
"Elliot's got her." She answered, "They're downstairs. It's just us…"
Olivia walked backwards and sat down on the lip of the tub, "What's wrong with me?"
Kathy sighed and walked into the room, "There Is nothing wrong with you Olivia. You're struggling. Every Mother has a moment like this...but honestly yours is so much more. Think about it. Think about how much you've been holding in the last few months. Hell...the last few years. And then the trauma of the birth...it's okay to break down. You told me that."
Olivia looked down and started to cry again, "Kathy what if I had died?"
Kneeling down, she reached for Olivia's arm, "But you didn't."
"What if the baby had died? What if Serena had died? What if-" Her body shook again, "What if-"
"Olivia...you can't do that. You can't. You're both alive." She whispered, "You're here. This is all real."
Oliva looked down at her, "He called you...because he knows you're a better Mother than me."
"No." Kathy said honestly, "Hey...don't do that. He called because he was worried. You are an incredible Mother. You proved that long before Serena was born with my own kids. They adore you Olivia."
"I'm going to screw her up. I don't know how...but I will. I can feel it. She'll be broken just like me." She whispered her heart aching as she spoke.
"Oliva you are not broken. You're the strongest woman that I have never met. I don't know how you do it all. Honestly...everything you've been through." She shrugged, "It's okay to let it out…"
Olivia took a few deep breaths and then leaned forward unable to hold it in any longer. Katy took her into her arms and held her tight, "It hurts. It all hurts."
"I know." Kathy said softly as she rubbed her back. "I know...just let it out."
Olivia clung to Katy and cried as hard as she possibly could, letting so many emotions out. So many years of pent up emotion just flowed through her. All the fear, all the pain she had suppressed flowed from every part of her. Pain and anger towards her Mother. Grief. Fear of who she was, where she came from. All those years of abuse, being alone and struggling to find her way. Now...facing Hollister. Facing those demons. Then finally being given everything she wanted...almost to have it all ripped away before it could even begin.
"I'm so scared." Olivia said into her embrace, "I feel like every move I make...something bad is going to happen. I wanted so badly to put it all behind me after the trial and maybe I could have. But the accident…"
"It was too much. It would be for anyone Olivia. Not even you can hold it together 24/7. You need to learn how to ask for help." She rubbed her back and pulled away slightly, "Now I know it might feel weird having me here...but I want to help. If it's too weird for you though I'll go. But I'm going to call Fin, or Munch. Maybe even Maureen or Kathleen. Right now...you need support. This isn't about you being supermom. Your body is still healing. And so is your mind...you need to do this."
Olivia fidget anxiously, "Kathy I don't know if I can-"
"If not for you...then do it for that little baby girl. She needs her Momma. Show her how brave you are...give her that role model to look up to. So that someday...when she needs it...she'll ask for help too." She whispered.
Olivia bit her lip, "I didn't think it was possible to love something so much."
"I know." She said squeezing her arms, "But she was part of you Olivia. She lived inside of you. You nurtured her. That is a connection that no one will ever understand. Not even Elliot. The bond between a Mother and her child is sacred. Everything you are feeling is normal and completely justified. You just have to believe that."
Olivia sat up and then looked at herself in the mirror, she cringed, "I look like shit."
Kathy laughed, "Welcome to Motherhood...no one said it was glamorous."
A small smile spread on Olivia's lips, "Kathy I-" Kathy went to shake her head, "No please...please let me say this."
Kathy swallowed hard and sat back a little, understanding that Olivia wouldn't give in. "Okay…"
"I will never...ever be able to thank you for what you did. That day in the car...being here right now. Your full support of me and Elliot. You've had every reason to hate me over the years. I don't know if I could be as kind as you've been. I know you've moved on. I know you and Elliot aren't...but it still shocks me when you do something nice. I'm always waiting for you to explode." She laughed sadly, "You tell me all the time how strong I am...but I'm not nearly as strong as you."
Kathy smiled, leaned in and whispered, "That's the thing about women. We're badasses through and through. We've got tough skin. Can take on the world. Give birth to babies and raise them too. You've got this Olivia. And when you don't...leave on the women in your life to pick up the slack. We've got to do this together."
"Thank you." She whispered, her voice cracked, "Thank you so much."
Kathy smiled, and helped her stand up, "Come on...let's get you in the bath. You need to let your body relax a little. It will feel good. I'll go watch Serena for a bit...just take your time."
"He probably hates me." Olivia said as Kathy turned the water on in the tub.
Kathy turned to her and smiled, "He could never hate you Olivia. He was just scared...just like Superwoman can fall...so can Superman." She looked towards the door but she saw Kathy nod. "I'll get him. You relax."
Olivia took a deep breath as she watched Kathy slowly exit the room. She turned and focused on the sound of the water filling the tub. She added her favorite soaps and oils and watched them mix together. Slowly, she turned towards the mirror and began to pull at her clothes. Her eyes stung with tears when she saw the bruises and cuts. Even the stretch marks and bloated stomach from her pregnancy. She didn't recognize herself and she suddenly felt terribly self conscious. Even more reason to be afraid to see her husband…
Sighing, she stepped up into the tub and hissed as the warm water hit her raw skin. She sunk into the bath as the bubbles rose around and she rested her head against the back of the tub and let the tears fall again.
Downstairs, Elliot was sitting on the couch. Serena was in her carrier in front of him and he was playing with her feet making her smile up at him. He couldn't wait to hear her first laugh. He glanced up when he heard someone on the steps. He saw Kathy smile at him as she walked around the couch and sat down beside him.
"How is she?" He asked anxiously, his eyes turned to look up at the ceiling, "Is she okay?"
"She will be…" Kathy whispered as she reached out to touch Serena's tummy, "She's never been good at dealing with her emotions. And I think a lot of things she's suppressed are just coming to the surface. That's a lot of trauma for anyone to deal with. Even her."
Elliot sighed and ran a hand over his face, "So what do I do?"
She turned to him and smiled, "You let her work through it...at her pace. Let her know you're there. Encourage her to talk about it. We had a good talk...maybe she'll even be willing to see a counselor. She's scared Elliot. It's not about you...or Serena. Not really. It's just a lot. Having a child...bringing one into this world. It messes with your emotions. And with the amount she had to deal with on top of it...it's a wonder she didn't crack before now."
He swallowed hard, "Kathy…" She turned to look at him, "Why didn't you ever tell me when you were struggling?"
She smiled at him, "Because I was stubborn. And you and I...we kept a lot of things from each other Elliot. A lot of things. It's one of the reasons I knew that divorce was right for us. We could never be fully open with each other. It just wasn't something that we felt comfortable with. But I have that with Lucas...and you have that with Olivia. It is what it is."
He sighed and looked down, "I just wish I could have been a better husband to you. You deserved more."
"And I could have been a better wife. We both made mistakes. But we got five incredible kids out of it and that's all that matters to me." She looked at Serena and smiled, "I called Olivia once ya know…"
That statement shocked him, "What? When?"
"With Eli." She smiled as Serena cooed up at her, "I was a wreck. You were at work and I was trying to prove I didn't need your help. But he wouldn't stop screaming no matter what I did. So I called Olivia and she came right over. No questions asked. Naturally Eli stopped the minute she held him and I wanted to hate her for it...but God I was grateful. Not just for that moment...but because I knew that I didn't have to do it alone. She'd be there too. And she has been. Every step of the way."
Elliot watched her carefully, "She never told me."
"Because I asked her not too." She said with a shrug, "I didn't want to feel vulnerable...I didn't want you to see me cracking. I was afraid of what it would mean for all of us."
Elliot sighed and leaned back on the couch, "So basically you're saying that all three of us are train wrecks?" Kathy started to laugh, "Our kids are screwed."
She shook her head, "It's life Elliot. Sometimes it eats you up and spits you back out with no remorse. I think you and Olivia know that better than anyone with the things you see. Sometimes we can ask for help...and other times we can't. She's ready to ask for help now...and I hope you are too."
He looked at her, "I don't want you to think that I'm using-"
"I don't feel that way." She said shaking her head, "We agreed to be a family. We may seem odd to the outside world...but this is our family. Serena is my Godchild and the sister to my five children. We're in each other's lives for better or worse. I'd rather be here and help when I can then have this strain between us. It's definitely not good for the kids and it's not good for any of us." She shrugged, "Besides, I'm marrying Lucas. I love him. And I don't mean for you to take this the wrong way...but it feels different. I love him in a way I didn't love you. In a way I couldn't love you."
"I understand that." He whispered, "It's the way I feel about…"
"I know." She reached out and squeezed his arm, "I know El. It's okay."
He glanced up at the ceiling, "Should I?"
She nodded, "Go on. I've got it covered down here. She might...want some space in the bath. But hang out upstairs. You need a breather too." He gave her a look and she smiled, "Even Superman needs a day off Elliot…"
His face flushed and he smiled, he looked at Serena. Leaning forward he pressed a kiss to her forehead and then he pulled himself up off the couch. Walking towards the stairs, he took a deep breath before stepping up. He walked down the hall and into the bedroom, the bathroom door was open slightly and he could see the steam from the bath filling the room. He wanted to walk into the room, hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay.
But...he didn't think she would want to hear that. He was afraid he had crossed a line in calling Kathy. He just didn't know what else to do. If Olivia's Mother was alive...if they had had a good relationship...he probably would have called her. He could have called Casey but she didn't have children. Something about this felt different. He'd never try and think he understood what Kathy went through while being pregnant or giving birth. He couldn't imagine it really. As strong as he was...he didn't think he could handle it all.
Then to do it on top of everything Olivia was going through...he should have known she was going to crack. He sighed, then lay back on their bed and closed his eyes. His eyes burned with tears and he wanted to crawl under the sheets and hide from it all. He must have dozed off, because before he knew it, he heard the door opening. He sat up slowly, and Olivia looked at him with wide nervous eyes. She was wrapped up in a large towel and he saw her shiver slightly.
Standing up, he reached for one of his sweatshirts that she liked to wear, "Here."
She gave him an anxious look, "Can you…"
He gave her a strange look, unsure of what she was asking and then slowly he understood that she was asking for pravacy, "Oh...uh. Yeah. Just...I'll step outside for a sec."
He went to walk away and she grabbed his arm quickly, "El I just…"
He turned to look at her, his eyes searched hers for a second, then leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, "I understand. Take all the time you need."
She let out a little sigh of relief before he turned and walked out of the room. Taking a deep breath, she started to move around the room. She reached for the bag from the hospital to get everything she needed. Then she slipped into Elliot's sweatshirt and a pair of his sweatpants needing something loose on her aching body. She sat on the bed for a minute trying to compose her thoughts, think of what she could say.
And suddenly...all she wanted was him to just be there beside her, "Elliot?"
The door pushed open slightly and he stood in the doorway, anxious as to what he should do next, "I'm here."
She sighed and then pulled herself up on the bed, she groaned when she felt the aches in her body, "I uh...I'm sorry I yelled."
He shook his head, walked into the room and shut the door behind him, "I understand why you did. I shouldn't have called-"
"No...no you made the right decision. It's just…" She sighed and ran a hand through her wet hair, "No matter how long you and I have been together...there will always be this part of me that is envious of her. Of all the years she had with you. And of how freaking good she is at being a Mother. It all came so naturally to her and I wanted...I wanted to think that I could do this. That I can do this."
"You can." He said walking closer to her put she put up her hand to stop him, "Liv-"
"When I made that promise to you...to focus on the baby and not the case. I meant that. And I did it...but it's all so fucked up." She started to shake again, "All of it. Me...I'm fucked up." She laughed sadly, "I want to be okay. But I just feel all this anger...and this pain and it's just sitting there. And I'm terrified."
Elliot knelt down in front of her, feeling his heart aching for her, for all the pain she had been through in life. "Olivia…"
"I want to be the perfect Mother. The perfect wife. But I don't think I can." She leaned forward and her shoulders shook.
"No one is perfect." He pressed a kiss to her head, "But you come pretty damn close Liv."
She sighed and pulled away, "Elliot I left our week old daughter on a changing table...I didn't even try to pick her up. She could have-"
"Okay." He pulled himself up and sat beside her, "You want to hear all the times I screwed up with the kids?"
She sniffled and looked over at him, "Elliot…"
"When Maureen was about three months old, I was completely sleep deprived. I'd worked three days straight. Kathy was pissed at me. She was screaming and screaming...I was holding her and my eyes closed for two seconds...two seconds. And I fell." His voice cracked at the memory.
She reached for his arm gently, "El…"
"Everything happened so quickly. I tried to tuck her into my arms but it still wasn't enough. She had a bump on her head and I called 911. Made them run every freaking test they had. They told me 100 times she was fine but it wasn't enough." He sighed, "I was convinced I broke her." She was staring at him, wide eyes, "With Kathleen...I turned away from her to pick up the phone and she touched the stove. She burned the crap out of her hand. She was three. Dickie was 5 and he climbed into my car, I left the keys in the car and he drove into the street. Lizzie-"
"I get it." She said reaching for his hand, she squeezed it gently. "You don't have too…"
Elliot lifted his hand, touched her face and whispered, "Every parent screws up. Some more than others…"
She looked at her hands in her lap, then back up at him, "I'm scared."
"I know." He whispered, tentatively he reached out and put a hand in her damp hair, "I know you are. And I'm scared too...I've done this five times before and it's still scary. But you need to talk to me. You can't keep this all bottled up inside. It's not good for you. For us. Or for Serena."
Looking up at him she shrugged sadly, "You must hate me."
He shook his head adamantly, "There is nothing you could do in this world that would ever make me hate you." The tears welled in her eyes and she went to pull away but he didn't let her, "I need you to hear me when I say this." She froze slightly but he held her face in his hands as gently as possible, "Me calling Kathy...it wasn't because of some unresolved feelings. It wasn't anything to do with me and her. It was because she is a Mother and she can understand things that I will never understand. I'm a Father...but what you both went through to bring my children into this world...that's strength."
She licked her lips and looked at him sadly, "Elliot…"
"I will care for her always...but she isn't my soulmate. She never was. I only have one of those and I'm looking at her right now." He whispered honestly, praying she understood and believed his words.
The tears fell from her eyes and she didn't try and hide it, "I love you." He leaned forward and kissed away her tears, "I love you so much and I'm so sorry. I just...it all feels so overwhelming."
He pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest, "I love you too Liv. More than you'll ever possibly understand. We both like to be strong...it's just who we are. We agreed to help each other though. It's the only way we're going to get through all of this."
"I just thought...once the trial was over it would all go away. But…" She sniffled and pulled away just enough to see his face, "All those years...and the stuff with my Mom. It feels more intense now. And I look at Serena and I just...I want to give her the world. She's so innocent and...there are so many things that could happen. So many things I can't protect her from and that hurts."
"You're right. There are." He said with a sigh, "We know that more than most. But we also can't hide her away for the rest of her life."
Taking a deep breath, she pulled all the way away and wiped at her eyes again, "I think...I think maybe I should talk to someone. About all of it. It felt really good to talk to Huang when I went to see him that day. To just...let it out."
Elliot nodded and reached for her hand to give it a squeeze, "I think that's a great idea."
She looked at him with a sad worried expression, she didn't want him to feel that he wasn't enough for her. "It's not...it's not that I don't feel comfortable talking to you about it. I just…"
"I understand. Sometimes we just need...someone neutral." He shrugged, "But I'm here too...when you need me."
She smiled and touched his cheek, "I always need you Elliot. Always." She paused for a moment and thought about her words carefully, "Maybe...you could come with me sometime? Maybe we'll both learn how to handle our emotions better…" He fidgeted nervously, and she was feeling insecure about even asking. "If not for us...for Serena."
"I'll be there. Lord knows I have my own shit…" He looked down and swallowed hard, "And all of this…"
She put her hand on his neck, "It's been a lot…" She frowned and then laughed sadly, "You married a real basket case Stabler…should have thought that one through."
He lifted his head quickly and gave her a look, she shrank back slightly and he reached for her. "No Olivia. I married a survivor. A brave, badass, beautiful woman who has taken on the world every damn day of her life no matter what was thrown at her."
He breath caught in her throat and she paused, "I-"
"You amaze me. Always. The strength you've shown your whole life...not many people could do what you do. But for once in your life...it's time to do something for yourself." He whispered.
She rolled her eyes playfully, "Must I?"
Lifting his hand, he cupped the back of her head and nodded, "Yeah Liv. This time you do. For us. For Serena...for yourself. You deserve happiness and I want to give you that. But I think we need to face these things in order to let go."
She took a deep breath and looked at him, "Okay."
"Okay?" She nodded once and he leaned forward to press a kiss to her head, "Okay."
She held his shirt gently, "El...can you get Serena? I just want…"
He smiled and pulled away, "I'll be right back."
She paused as he went to get up, "Tell...tell Kathy I'll call her tomorrow. And-" She looked at him and smiled, "Tell her thank you."
He looked right at her and nodded, "I love you. You know that?"
She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, "I know. I love you too."
He leaned down and pressed another kiss to her head before walking out of the room. Olivia sat up on the bed, took some deep breaths and tried to calm herself. A few minutes later, Elliot walked back into the room with Serena cradled in his arms. Immediately tears prickled in her eyes and he walked over to the other side of the bed. "Do you want to hold her?"
She nodded slowly, trying to trust herself enough to do this, "Y-yes."
Elliot gently laid her in her arms and saw her freeze, "It's okay Liv. You've got her. Everything is okay."
Once she was safely in her arms, Elliot lowered himself onto the bed beside them both. He watched Olivia staring down at their daughter, this living breathing symbol of their love. His heart both soared at the vision and ached knowing she was struggling so hard. Serena lifted a tiny arm and reached for her Mother. Olivia put out a finger and Serena's little hands grasped her finger tight.
"She's so small…" Olivia whispered, "I can't imagine being that small. Or you." She laughed, "Definitely not you."
He smiled and leaned in and kissed Serena's head, "I know. Even looking at my kids...it's hard to remember them that small. It happens so fast."
She sighed, lifted Serena and kissed her nose, "She's everything...and I want...I want to give her the world. I want her to have the things I didn't have...but at the same time I feel like I don't even know what that is."
"Liv parenting is a lot of guessing…" He said with a sad smile, "You do what feels right. You read into your kid...sense what they need and you go from there. Sometimes you get it right, and sometimes you don't. We're both going to make mistakes."
She looked at him, "I kind of always imagined that if I was going to have a kid...I'd do it alone. Adoption or something…" She looked back at Serena and whispered, "But I'm so grateful that I have you to do this with. Whether you realize it or not," She turned to look at him and whispered honestly, "You're a hell of a Dad Elliot Stabler."
He was quiet for a moment, "Liv...I know you feel overwhelmed right now. That you think that you can't…" He paused and took a deep breath, "From the moment I met you, I knew that someday you would be a Mother. That you were going to give a child all the love you had within you. I've watched you with countless kids at work, the way they flock to you is incredible. With my own children, they were obsessed with you from day one. The way you took Eli in no questions asked despite everything that was going on. You were made to do this. And I feel so damn lucky to be doing it with you."
She took a rattling breath as the tears flowed again, "If you're trying to keep me from crying...that's not the way to do it."
He smiled, leaned up and pressed a kiss to her cheek, "It's okay to cry. Let it out Liv. You don't have to hide from me."
She licked her lips and looked down at Serena, "El?"
He rubbed her back gently, "Yeah?"
"Can you just…" Her voice cracked and she held Serena closer, "Can you just sit here and hold us?" He shifted beside her, "I need to feel safe...and to know this is real. I need you."
Elliot scooted up on the bed and without a second thought wrapped his arms around both of them, "I'm right here Liv. I'm right here."
Olivia leaned all the way into him, felt the safety of his strong arms and just let go. She held Serena closed and cried, for all that she had kept in, all that she had endured and all that was almost taken from her. But she knew that with Elliot beside her, she'd find a way to get through this.
I will update as soon as I can! Only a few chapters left.
Someone asked if I will finish this before I start a new story and the answer is yes.
Anyway - ENJOY TOMORROW my Bensler loving readers! I'm honestly so excited but also anxious...I don't think it will be what we want...but I just want to see them on screen together. Even just for a little while!