**Spoilers in this note so don't read if you didn't watch last night!**
So I don't know about you...I'm still not emotionally stable after last night. I was a wreck. For so many reasons.
I'm very interested to see how this all plays out. I hope the two shows are intertwined here and there. They have to be, right? I mean...they have to be. I need to know what was in that letter. I also have to admit that obviously I am an E/O shipper. Bensler is my endgame. But DAMN that was sad. It wasn't that I didn't like Kathy, I just loved Olivia and Elliot. That was tough.
Also...a story I have in mind coming up sheds Kathy in a bad light. Kind of a very early series story in which Kathy left when the kids were little. Again - making it clear that I don't have anything against Kathy. This is just a story idea that I was playing around with. I also really do like Isabelle Gilles so just felt the need to say that.
Anyway...still not emotionally okay. Mariska and Chris deserve some serious recognition. Okay. Enough rambling.
Two weeks later, Olivia was standing by the kitchen sink as she bathed Serena. Elliot had time off of work and together they were working through everything. Olivia had an appointment that afternoon with Huang. He agreed to talk to her because he knew what she was going through and knew her backstory.
The front door opened and Elliot walked in from getting the mail. He smiled when he saw Serena's little feet splashing in the water. Olivia was so wrapped up in the movements, and his heart soared when he heard her laughing. Grateful to hear that sound coming from his wife again. She had been doing well in the last two weeks, talking to home when she was feeling upset and he gave her breaks when she needed it.
They were a good team. They always had been.
Walking all the way into the kitchen, he placed the mail on the counter and walked up behind Olivia, "It's good to hear you laugh."
She smiled and pressed back into him, "It feels good to laugh…"
He placed a gentle kiss to her neck and then rested his chin on her shoulder so he could look at Serena, "Hi baby girl…"
Serena cooed and lifted a little hand into the air, Olivia's heart swelled with happiness, "We're in so much trouble."
Elliot chuckled and nuzzled the back of her neck, "Yup. She's a damn cute baby. She's going to get away with murder with us."
"Well that wouldn't look good as we're Detectives." She teased, then leaned down and tickled Serena's belly, "What are you going to grow up to be baby? Huh? You want to be a cop like me and Daddy?"
Serena frowned and Elliot laughed, "I'm gonna go with she's not interested…"
Olivia smiled, "Maybe that's a good thing...Daddy will have a heart attack if you try and do anything dangerous."
"Damn right." He said gruffly then smiled, "Although...there's no doubt she'll be one hell of a fighter like her Mom." He kissed her cheek and stepped back to brew some coffee.
He watched as Olivia began to pull Serena out of the sink and wrap her in a soft towel. She rocked her back and forth as she carefully dried her. Serena beamed up at her Mother and Olivia's eyes never left her. He watched her walk towards the couch and settle in the corner. Her back was to him but he could tell that she was going to breastfeed. She had only started up a few days ago after she had weaned herself off of the meds.
Serena took to it no problem which was good because they both had been worried she wouldn't because of the bottle. He knew it would have broken her heart if she didn't latch. He was grateful that something was going right at least for now. Elliot poured himself a cup of coffee, took a sip and then rested it on the counter. He started to clean up the sink so that Olivia didn't have to do it.
He felt comfortable in the silence of the house as Olivia tended to their daughter. He felt hopeful and calm. But he'd be lying if he said that he himself wasn't hiding somethings of his own. Between the trial, the accident, the birth and Olivia's breakdown he was struggling. There was something specifically that had been nagging at him but he didn't know how to bring it up to Olivia without upsetting her. So...he kept it in.
When he was done cleaning, he walked into the living room with his coffee and sat beside Olivia. She was finishing up and she smiled sheepishly at him, she was still feeling a little self conscious. She had on more than one occasion asked him to give her privacy when changing even though he told her she was as gorgeous as ever.
"Here." He said holding his arms out, "Let me burp her."
Olivia smiled and handed him Serena before placing the cloth on his shoulder. She adjusted her shirt, tucked her feet up under her and turned to face him. It often shocked her how tiny Serena looked in her Father's arms. She knew she was small, but Elliot was so big and strong, Serena looked even tinier when he was holding her. She smiled, rested her head on the back of the couch and let out a little sigh.
Hearing the sigh, Elliot turned his head to look at her, "You okay?"
She nodded once, "Yeah...yeah I'm fine El."
He stopped burping Serena for a moment to check his watch, she had an appointment with Huang at 12:30 and it was now 9. "Are you sure you don't want me to go with you today?"
She shook her head and tugged at her shirt, "Not the first time. Plus I'll feel better if you're with Serena. I'm already stressing out about leaving her for the first time...I only trust her with you right now."
Elliot nodded, "Okay. But you'll call if you need me to pick you up, right?"
She smiled at him, "I promised I would. But I know I'll be fine. George will be there anyway. It will be fine."
Elliot nodded once and then smiled when he heard his tiny daughter a loud burp, "She may look like you Liv...but she gets that from me."
Olivia started laughing hard, "Seriously?"
He looked at her again and smirked, "Just wanted to hear that laugh again…"
She poked at him with her toes, a small smile on her face, "Hey, you know what?"
He adjusted himself a little on the couch so he could face her more head on as he continued to rock Serena, "Hm?"
"You're a damn good husband Stabler." She whispered, emotion laced her voice and she saw him smile.
"I'm glad you think so." He pulled Serena away a little and beamed proudly at her, "I'm pretty content here. Hoping you don't kick me out."
"Definitely not." She said with a little yawn, "I like having you here."
He smiled and reached out to squeeze her foot, "Why don't you go close your eyes for a bit before you have to get ready? I know Serena kept you up last night…"
She bit her lip fighting the urge to run up to bed, "Are you sure? I feel bad...you are going to be with her alone for awhile and-"
"I can handle it." He said giving her a wink, "Plus today is going to be hard enough. I want you to rest before you drive in. Okay?"
She took a deep breath, smiled and then sat up, "Okay." She leaned down and pressed a kiss to Serena's head and then to his lips, "I love you."
"We love you too." He said, giving her a wink making her smile.
Olivia walked upstairs to their bedroom and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Elliot looked down at Serena who just stared at him with wide, curious eyes.
"Going to be just you and me kiddo. What do you think about that?" Serena made a face and then he instantly smelled something and he started to laugh, "Well geez...I'm not that bad." He smirked, pulled her close and kissed her cheek, "You really are lucky you're cute…"
At 11:40, Olivia was standing in the kitchen staring at Serena who was fast asleep in her carrier. She had a frown on her face as she watched her, suddenly afraid to blink in fear of missing something. Elliot walked up behind her, placed a hand on her shoulder and kissed the back of her head, "She'll be fine Liv. I'm going to be here the whole time."
"I know." She paused a second, "Did I leave enough milk?" He nodded, "Should I pick up more diapers on the way home? No. We have enough. Does she feel warm to you?" She asked, leaning into touch her small forehead.
Elliot turned her slowly and bent his knees to be eye level with her, knowing he'd see the truth in her eyes. "It's not too late to tell me to come. At least to drive you...Serena and I can go for a walk while you are in there."
For a moment she wanted to say yes, but then she shook her head, "No. No...I'm fine. I need to do this on my own. Otherwise I'm never going to let you leave my side again."
He smiled and pulled her closer, "That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world…"
She smiled, wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him close, "Thank you for supporting me."
He wrapped one arm around her back and the other hand he tangled in her hair, pressing a kiss to her head, "Always Liv. Always."
She squeezed him again, pressed a kiss to his neck and then pulled away to look at Serena, "Okay...I should go."
"We'll be right here when you get home." He said with an encouraging smile.
Olivia leaned over Serena and kissed her nose, "Don't do anything cute until I get home. I love you."
He squeezed her shoulder and she turned to kiss him again, "Drive safe."
She squeezed his arm and then grabbed the keys before turning to walk towards the door. She gave him another quick smile before finally exciting the door. Once she got in the car, she put her key in the ignition and sat there for a moment. She knew if she ran inside and asked him to come, he would. But she really did feel like she needed to do this on her own.
"Come on Benson...you can do this." She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and then pulled out of the driveway to drive into the city.
Olivia stepped into George's office when he opened the door. He gave her a smile and then held out his arms, "It's great to see you Liv. You look wonderful."
Olivia hugged him back, "No need to lie Huang. I promise I won't kick your ass. Mostly because I'm still sore and totally exhausted."
He chuckled and pulled back, "I wasn't lying. You do look great. I saw you in the hospital...you look like you've healed quite a bit."
She smiled and walked further into the room, "I'm coming along. Still pretty sore...but I'm told that's normal. You know...pushing out a baby will do that to you."
He smiled, "You still have your sense of humor I see…"
She smiled and turned to him, "Gotta keep laughing so I don't start crying…"
George nodded once, "Do you want to sit? Can I get you anything?"
"No...no I'm good." She said as she sat down across from him, "Thank you though."
He sat down in his chair and smiled, he could tell she was anxious, "You're a lot calmer than you were the last time you showed up here…"
She took a deep breath and leaned back in the seat, "God...that feels like so long ago. Like another life ago."
He shrugged, "In some ways it kind of was...life before Serena."
He watched as a smile spread across her face and she looked down at her hands, "Yeah...I guess you're right."
Huang was quiet for a moment before pushing on, "How is she?"
Taking a deep breath, she looked up at her friend and smiled softly as she thought of her daughter, "She is the most perfect, precious thing I have ever seen. I keep thinking I can't love her more...but each day that feeling gets stronger and stronger."
"That's parenthood." He said softly, "And I always knew that you would be an incredible Mother."
She tugged at the sleeves of her shirt suddenly feeling self conscious, "Everyone keeps saying that...I wish I was as confident as all of you."
George looked at her carefully for a moment, "You don't think you are a good Mother?"
Her face flushed and she licked her lips, "I think I'm...trying to figure it out. But it's more complicated than I expected it to be."
"Well to be fair...since the moment you found out you were pregnant...things have been quite stressful for you. On top of that...Serena's birth story is quite dramatic." He saw her begin to tear up, "Talk to me about it.
Olivia licked her lips and tried to think about her words carefully, "I spent all this time focussing on just getting through the case. That was my goal. I needed to get through it and then we could focus on the baby. And then...we were leaving the courthouse after the trial and I felt-" Her breath caught in her throat and she cringed, "I thought everything would be fine. It was going to be okay. And then...it all went black."
"You don't remember the initial impact?" He asked softly.
Olivia shook her head, "Not really...it's a bit of a blur. I remember being in the car with Elliot. I remember looking at my belly...and then I just felt this pressure. Everywhere. And the next thing I knew I was waking up and Elliot was behind me...and I could feel-" She put a hand on her belly and looked down as if reliving it, "I could feel contractions...and blood...and I thought she was-"
She stopped talking but he didn't need to hear the rest of her sentence to understand, "She's okay Olivia. She's here. She's safe."
Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him and smiled, "But how close were we to both of us being gone? Or just her...just me? It just...it doesn't seem fair." She cringed again and rolled her eyes, "That sounds so stupid of me to say. But that's how I feel."
"It's not stupid." He said shaking her head, "I think we all felt that. After everything you had gone through...it wasn't fair that that was happening. That it did happen. But it did…"
"I mean I never imagined labor to be...fun." She said with a smile, "I guess I just assumed it would happen...naturally. That we'd be at home...that my water would break and we'd have a moment to process. That I'd be able to just live in that moment. But it all happened so fast. And I was so scared...for so many reasons." She sighed and looked down again.
"Anyone would be scared in that position. I know that Elliot was terrified." He whispered, "He was watching it all happen…"
She tugged at a loose strand on her jeans, "He's...he's struggling too. I can tell. He's been really brave as always. Holding it together but I can tell he has his moments."
"That's normal." George said, "Olivia, Elliot loves you more than anything. He's watched you go through all of this for months. He may not have been the one giving birth...but he was fearing the worst for the both of you too." He said.
"I know." She ran a hand through her hair and leaned further into her chair, "It's all just so...messed up. Everything always feels messed up. And I just...I want for one time for things to just go right. To be easy."
He smiled sadly at her, "Life is never easy Olivia…"
She quirked an eyebrow at him, "Some people's lives seem easy…"
George leaned forward and shrugged, "But if you had another life...would you have Elliot and Serena?"
She paused for a moment and considered his question carefully, "N-No. I guess I wouldn't."
He nodded, "And is that a life you want?"
Her heart swelled when she thought of how much she loved them both, "Never."
George nodded slowly, "Good. You're doing great Olivia…"
She took a deep breath and smiled, already feeling slightly better.
Back at the house, Serena was still fast asleep in her carrier on the counter. Elliot didn't want to move her in fear of disturbing her and as he knew, you never wanted to wake a sleeping baby. He quietly moved around the living room and kitchen cleaning up where he could so that Olivia didn't have to worry about it later.
There was a knock on the door, he checked to see if Serena had woken up from the sound but she didn't even flinch. He smiled, walked to the door and opened it to find Fin on the other side of the door. Elliot smiled and stepped back, "Hey."
Fin held up flowers and a box of Olivia's favorite chocolates, "I come bearing gifts for Liv."
Elliot frowned at him, "You sure you're not in love with my wife?"
Fin laughed and stepped into the house as Elliot stepped aside, "I love her. But not like that. Just wanted to give her a smile. I know she's been...having a tough time."
Elliot nodded and shut the door quietly behind them, "She's actually with Huang right now. She should be back in about an hour...not sure if you need to rush."
Fin looked at him and nodded, "Oh. Well that's good for her. I'm glad she's talking to someone." He paused for a moment, "I don't have anywhere to be...I have the day off. Although…" He put the flowers and chocolate down, "I'm not sure you and I have ever spent any time outside of work alone."
Elliot thought about it for a moment and then frowned, "I don't think we have either."
Fin stared at him for a moment, "Most of the time I'm trying to refrain from kicking your ass...so I just steer clear."
Elliot rolled his eyes, "Geez...I'm not that bad, am I?"
Fin laughed and shrugged, "You drive me crazy. But…" He shrugged and looked towards Serena, "You're a good man Stabler. Pains me to say it. But you've proved that with how well you've handled things with Olivia. I'm glad I never had to hurt you for hurting her."
Elliot smiled before answering honestly, "She's my world Fin. I will never hurt her."
Fin nodded and stepped further into the room towards Serena, "Good." He smiled, "Looks like someone is waking up." He looked at Elliot, "Can I?"
Elliot nodded, "Sure. Go ahead."
Fin reached out and slowly lifted Serena into his arms, she fussed for a moment. Slowly, he held her to his chest and smiled, "Hey baby girl…" She cooed and snuggled into him, "Dang...almost makes me want another one."
Elliot laughed and stood by the counter, "You can borrow her anytime you need a fix."
"And then give her back so I can sleep at night…" He said with a little smirk.
Elliot nodded, "Exactly." Walking towards the fridge he smiled, "You hungry? I was going to make some lunch. Just some sandwiches or something…"
"Sure. I could have a bite." Fin said as he sat down and looked at Serena, "Man...she looks like her Momma."
Elliot nodded as he pulled out the items from the fridge, "I know. I'm so screwed."
Fin laughed, "If it makes you feel any better, we all are. You know Cragen, Munch and I can't say no to Liv. We won't be able to say no to this one either."
Elliot started to assemble things on the counter, "How are things at work?"
"Fine." He said with a shrug, "Much quieter without you two around. Munch is driving me crazy as usual. But what else is new…"
Elliot smiled and took out plates as he started to make the sandwiches, "Depending on how things go today...I may be out longer than expected."
Fin nodded as he carefully placed Serena back in the carrier, "You know Olivia is going to push for you to go back."
Elliot nodded, "She will...but I'll push back until I know for sure that she's okay." He paused for a moment, "I just…"
Fin nodded, "I know Elliot. I know." He was quiet for a moment, "Watching you guys get hit…" He fidgeted in his seat and then looked down at Serena, "I honest to God don't know how you all walked out of there alive."
Elliot's eyes traveled over to his daughter and thought about what it would have been like to actually lose his wife and daughter all in one day. His hands started to shake and he had to put down the knife in his hand, "Jesus…"
Fin watched him carefully, he knew that Elliot was strong but he also knew that any man in his position would be overwhelmed. "How are you holding up Elliot?" He didn't respond for a moment, "We've all been so focussed on Olivia...but this has been a lot on you too."
Elliot put his hands down on the counter, he squeezed the edges in his hands, "Fin...when I opened my eyes in that car and saw her-" He hung his head and felt the ache in his chest, "I thought she was dead. It was like someone had opened a hole in the earth and swallowed me up. There's nothing...nothing that could have prepared me for that. I mean we were-" He looked up and rolled his neck from side to side, "Minutes before, we were in the courtroom and she looked so happy...and then-"
"Doesn't seem fair that a person as good as Olivia could constantly go through this kind of crap." He shook his head, "Life's a bitch."
Elliot took a deep breath, "I don't know how she does it all…" He frowned, "I mean-" He shook his head, "You know about her life...her childhood. You ever think about what it was life for her?"
Fin nodded slowly, "Over the years I've thought a lot about it. I mean my life was no picnic but it wasn't like that."
Leaning forward, Elliot rested his forearms on the counter forgetting about the sandwiches for the time being, "Fin I...I've been thinking about something lately. I don't know if I should be saying this...and I think Olivia will be upset but it's...it's bothering me."
Fin studied him carefully, trying to read his body language. But Stabler had always been a bit of a mystery to him so he wasn't sure what to think, "Okay?"
Elliot glanced at Serena again, then ran a hand over his face, "I want to see Hollister."
Fin sat back on his stool shocked by his confession, "Elliot…"
"I know." He said softly, "I know...but I just...I need to see him. I need to...say somethings."
"You're right...Olivia's not going to like it." He said, giving him a look, "She's really not going to like it…"
Elliot sighed and stood up, "I know. You're probably right."
"What do you even want to say?" He asked with a shrug, "What is there to say?"
Eliot gnawed on his bottom lip for a moment, "I want to look him in the eye...I want him to tell me what he did to Olivia's Mother. And I want to tell him that his daughter is the most incredible woman in the world and it has nothing to do with him. That he never will be part of our lives...that he's-he's a coward."
Fin stared at him, "And what will that do for you?"
He sighed and shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe nothing. But it's bothering me."
"You are a stubborn son of a bitch." Fin said with a little smile, "You love her so much and you want to protect her. He can't hurt her anymore Elliot…"
He smiled sadly, "I know. Rationally I know that...but even before she met him he held such power over her. I want him to know that he's nothing."
Fin took a slow deep breath, "So...what are you going to do about it? You can't just go down there. And you can't keep it from Olivia."
"I know. And I won't…" He said, shaking his head, "I wouldn't do that to her."
"Look...why don't you give it a few days. Really think it over. See how things go today with Huang for her. If she seems better...broach the subject." He shrugged, "And if you need me to talk to her about it...help you out…let me know."
"So what...we friends now?" Elliot said with a teasing smile, "Did you really come here to see me? Not Olivia? You miss me? I'm offended though because I prefer roses to sunflowers. I feel like you should know this..."
Fin rolled his eyes and looked down at Serena, "And there he is...the pain in the ass that is your father, Elliot Stabler."
Elliot chuckled, "Old habits die hard." He paused for a moment and then smiled, "Thank you Fin…"
Fin looked up and nodded, "Hey...I'm this kids Godfather. I gotta make sure her parents keep their shit together."
Elliot smirked and shook his head as he went back to making their sandwiches, "Better you than Munch…" He teased.
Back at the office, Olivia was nursing a cup of tea that George had given her when she said she needed a break. Huang was sitting quietly, letting her work out whatever it is she needed to say.
"I um...I found a letter from my Mom." She said softly, "Right before we went to court…"
George sat up slowly, "What did it say?"
She traced the rim of her tea cup and smiled, "Just...that she loved me. That she hoped the journals would help me understand. That she uh...she wanted me to let go. Walk away from him."
"You mean Hollister?" She hesitated but then nodded so he pushed on, "And how did that make you feel?"
"It made me feel...sad." Her voice cracked as she spoke and she frowned, "I just wish she could have said those things to be in person. Does that make sense?"
"It does. But I think you know better than anyone sometimes it's a lot easier to hold things in. Writing them down can be a better release. It seems less intense for people. I'm sure she wanted to say them. She just didn't know how." He said.
"Yeah…" She cleared her throat and set the tea down on the table in front of her, "It just makes me sad to think how much she suffered. I spent so many years being so angry at her for being so awful to me. But the truth is that I don't think I could have done better if I was in her position…"
"You said in court that you would probably have had an abortion." He whispered, she shivered slightly, "That was brave of you to say."
She shook her head, "There is nothing brave about it George. I just...I can't imagine carrying the child of a man who raped me. The things I see everyday...I couldn't do it. I will never know how she did it. I'll also never understand why. Not fully."
"Maybe she wanted someone to hold onto." He said softly, "She may have made mistakes Olivia but at the end of the day, you were the only family she had left." She didn't respond and he pushed on, "Tell me why you named your daughter after her."
Olivia licked her lips and started to play with her rings, "Because despite everything that I went through as a kid...I wouldn't be here without her. I wouldn't have this life. Despite its ups and downs, Elliot is the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't have met him without her giving me a chance to live. And without that...there would be no Serena. She'll never get the chance to know her Grandmother and someday it will be a hard conversation. But I really want her to understand that her Grandmother was strong. Despite her faults she was strong."
"She'll know strength Olivia." She looked away from him, "You personify strength every single day."
She smiled at him, feeling emotional again, "You sound like Elliot."
He nodded his head, "It's the truth Olivia. If you can see that your Mother was brave, that she was strong, why can't you see that in yourself?"
Her eyes burned and she leaned forward, "Because at the end of a long day when I'm lying there in bed...and those thoughts, those fears and those insecurities creep in…" She looked up at him and frowned, "I don't feel strong. I feel weak…"
"Feeling pain or fear doesn't make you weak Olivia. You're human. Humans are supposed to feel emotions. If you didn't feel anything...you'd be no better than the people you arrest each day. You feel things because you care. Because you're a good person and you want better for yourself and for the world. That's a wonderful trait." He said.
Her face flushed and she looked down, "I...I never thought about it like that."
"Because you trained yourself to believe you had to put up a wall. That you needed to hold it all together, never show emotion. But that's not true. Especially not now. Look how far you've come. Look at the life you have. You owe it to Elliot, to his children, Serena...and most importantly yourself to allow yourself to feel those things." He whispered.
Olivia took a deep breath and wiped a stray tear away, "See...I told you, you were good at your job Huang."
He smiled sincerely and reached across to squeeze her hand, "And so are you."
She let out a little breath and sighed, "I'm taking a break from SVU." She cringed slightly, "Not permanently...just some time away."
He nodded, "I think you deserve that. Plus it will be nice to spend the time with Serena."
Her heart fluttered at the thought of being with her daughter, "Yeah. I think so too."
He watched her for a moment, "Are you worried about leaving?"
She shrugged, "I don't know if worried is the right word. It just feels...strange. SVU is such a big part of my life. After all this time it feels like part of my identity. I know who I am there. I know my place. But…"
When she didn't finish her thought he tried for her, "But you don't know who you are as a Mother?"
She felt a pain in her chest and she nodded, "Elliot says it's a lot of guessing being a parent. Reading into what your kid needs. But what if I can't do that? What if there is no connection there?"
"Olivia there is already a connection there." He said softly, "You know that. I know you know that."
She sniffled and pulled her legs up onto the chair, "I do. I do...I'm just so terrified to screw her up. Say or do the wrong thing...traumatize her in some way."
"We all have levels of trauma. There is no way to protect her from everything." He said sadly. "It's just the way life is."
She groaned and shook her head, "I know...I know. I just don't know what to do…"
"You love her." He whispered, "You love her, support her and care for her in the way that you wished your Mother could have done for you." Her eyes welled with tears again, "And when it feels scary, you ask for help. There is no parent out there who has been able to do it all on their own. You don't have to be afraid to ask for help."
"Elliot called his ex wife Kathy when I freaked out…" Her face flushed, "And for a moment I just wanted to scream. We have a great relationship. We really do. But God I was...I was sitting there falling apart and I looked at her and thought-" Her voice trailed away, "He's going to regret me."
"I don't know Kathy well...but I know Elliot." He said, "He's a man of his word. He also doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do. I believe he cared for her...that they had a relationship that was real. But I also watched the way you two were for years. He loves you Olivia. There is no doubting that."
"Yeah...yeah I know he loves me." She looked at him and he gave her a look, "I do. I just...I sometimes wonder why."
"Why do you love Elliot?" He asked, throwing her off for a minute.
"Why?" He nodded slowly, and she frowned, wrapping her arms around herself. "I...I mean there are a lot of reasons."
Huang leaned back in his chair and put his hands on the arm rest, "Like what? What was the first thing that you noticed? You know...other than the good looks?" Olivia started to laugh and he smiled, "Can't blame me…"
She shook her head and sighed, "No. I can't...all these years later and he still-" She blushed, "He's still the most handsome man I've ever seen. It's not fair really…" She ran a hand through a hair and shrugged, "When I started at SVU I was constantly aware of the fact that I was a woman. That...people would think I couldn't do the job. And to be honest...I'm sure in the beginning Elliot had his reservations. But for the most part he trusted my judgement from the get go. It was super easy between us...we just clicked. He put me at ease. He let me figure out who I was...didn't make me feel like I was just "Stabler's Partner." He made me feel like his other half...that we were an actual team. He drove me completely insane sometimes and we always butted heads. But I always felt that at the end of the day, he would have my back. That he would support my decisions if push came to shove. He respected me...challenged me. And mostly he didn't put up with my shit which I needed. He made me step outside my comfort zone which was terrifying and also really amazing. I needed that. And…"
He cocked his head to the side, "And what?"
"When I told Elliot about my Mom...about my past." She shrugged, "He didn't show me pity. I always expected that from people and I'm sure in some small way he did pity me. But he never showed it. He talked to me about it...as best he could. And he was the first person to ever make me feel…" Her eyes fluttered closed when she thought of him, "Safe. And whole. Not less than…"
"I'm sure that was a really great feeling." He whispered, "To know that you could just be yourself with him."
"I never expected it." She shrugged, "It was so important to me that I think I let myself come to terms with the fact that I never thought we'd cross that line. I didn't want...I couldn't lose that. Even if it meant we were just friends. I just needed that safety net."
"Have you ever told him any of this?" He asked softly.
"I mean I've told him that he makes me feel safe...but I guess I haven't been fully open about how deep it goes for me. I didn't think it was important." She said.
"Maybe it is." He said with a shrug, "Maybe he needs to hear it. Maybe you need to say it."
"Maybe…" She whispered, then looked around the room nervously.
George smiled at her, "Calling Kathy was about protecting you. I understand why it probably felt odd and maybe even hurt you. But I'm sure he was scared. I mean think about it Olivia...if the roles were reversed and you watched Elliot go through what you've been going through. How would you feel?"
"My heart would be broken. I'd be terrified." She whispered, "I'd...I'd do anything if I thought it would help him."
"And that's exactly what he was doing. He reached out to someone he thought could help. A mother...yours isn't alive. And his relationship with his own Mother isn't the best. It was about you...not him. Not Kathy. It was about you. It's always been about you." He said.
She was quiet for a moment then said, "Sometimes I feel like it's different for us. Elliot is my whole world. He has been since day one. I didn't have anyone else. But he has...his other kids. I just assume he'd be okay without me. But I wouldn't be okay without him."
"Don't assume things Olivia. Yes he has his kids. But...you're his soulmate. We only get one of those in this life." He answered.
She looked at him and frowned, "George…"
"Elliot would pull it together for the kids and so would you. But he would be devastated beyond repair. I don't need to ask him to know that. He'd never be whole again. I can see that in the way he looks at you." He said.
A shiver ran through her body and suddenly she wanted to be home, "I love him so much. So much that sometimes it hurts…"
"I know." He said with a smile, "But that's how you know it's real." She went to say something but shook his head, "You spent a lot of years pretending...keeping him at an arm's length. But he's your husband now Olivia. You share a daughter together. He's not going anywhere. You can stop running. Stop fighting it."
She let out a little breath, "I didn't realize I still was…"
"I think part of you has always had a little bit of a wall up. Just in case...because you think you aren't good enough. That he'd go back to Kathy. That he'd change his mind. But it's not going to happen Olivia. He wants you. He loves you." He said.
Olivia let his words sink in and then she lifted her hand to look at her watch, "I…"
George smiled, "I know. Time's up. But...you're coming again next week, right?" She nodded, "Think about having Elliot come with you. I know you mentioned that as an option. You don't have to yet if you don't want to. But I think it could be good for you both."
She nodded and smiled, "I'll think about it." She paused for a moment, "George I-" He went to shake his head but she kept going, "I really need to say this, please?" He sat back in his chair and nodded, "That day...I was a mess. And I honestly don't know what I would have done if you weren't here. If I hadn't been able to talk it out I think I would have done something really stupid. Something I couldn't take back. And I just...I want to say thank you. Thank you for helping me get to this point…"
George smield, stood up and held out his arms, "You're welcome Olivia." She hugged him and he squeezed her gently, "But you did most of the work. I was just a sounding board. I'm always here if you need to talk."
She gave him another squeeze, then pulled away and gave him a smile before walking out the door to go home.
Thirty minutes later, she pulled up in front of the house and noticed Fin's car. She smiled to herself, grateful to have two strong men like Elliot and Fin in her life. She walked up the front steps and went to put the keys in the ignition when she heard music from inside the house. She paused, then shifted to look in the window and she started to laugh. Inside, she could see Serena in her carrier staring up at Elliot and Fin who were singing to her. She listened carefully and realized it was the "Wheels On The Bus".
Quietly, she put the key in the door and let herself in. Neither of them heard her and she was grateful. Taking out her phone, she immediately started to record the performance in front of her. Serena had clearly been crying but now was starting to stop as she watched the men in front of her dance and sing. Olivia had to put a hand to her lips to keep from laughing, but at the sametime her heart soared at the sight. Never in her wildest dreams did she expect this to be her life…
As the song ended, Olivia started to clap, "Bravo boys! Bravo! You should really go on tour!"
They both whipped around and their faces were immediately red, "Damn it." Fin muttered.
Olivia turned her phone off and smiled, "Hey now...no swearing in front of your Goddaughter. Otherwise your Title is revoked and she's stuck with Munch."
Fin growled, "Don't you dare send that video…"
She smiled devilishly at him, "I'll save it for a rainy day...when you really piss me off."
Fin looked at Elliot who just shrugged, "What can I do? She's my wife."
Fin huffed, "Then I'm taking the flowers and chocolate back!"
Olivia turned to the counter and saw what he was talking about, she gasped and said, "Fin they're beautiful! But I thought we agreed to keep our relationship a secret…"
Elliot glared at her, "Very funny…"
She smiled, walked into the kitchen and looked at the flowers, "What's the occasion?"
Fin shrugged sheepishly, "Just...a welcome home. We miss you at work. Hope you're doing well kinda thing."
She smiled, walked over to him and leaned up to press a gentle kiss to his cheek, "Well that was sweet. Thank you Fin."
Elliot huffed, "He gets a kiss before me? Maybe I should be worried…"
Rolling her eyes, she walked up to him and leaned up to kiss him, "Shut up Stabler." She pushed him aside and beamed down at Serena who immediately started kicking her little legs, "Hi sweet girl. Did you have fun with Daddy and Uncle Fin?" Carefully she pulled her out of the carrier and pressed her into her chest, getting lost in that new baby scent, "Hm...I missed you." She turned to the men, "Did I miss anything good?"
"Yeah. A blow out." Fin said with a laugh, "It was a real treat to watch Elliot tackle that."
Olivia laughed and bounced Serena up and down, "Thanks for saving that for your Dad."
Elliot smiled and reached out to touch her shoulder, "I was just going to give her another bottle…"
Olivia shook her head, "No that's okay. I'll feed her." She kissed Serena's head again then looked at Fin, "You rushing out?"
He glanced at his watch, "I don't have anywhere to be until 6."
She gave him a little smile, "Big date?" His face flushed, "Is it who I think it is?" He turned away again and she smiled, "That's a yes!"
Elliot smiled at their banter, "Who's the girl?"
"Kayleigh Peters from Homicide." She said with a smirk, "They've been crushing hard on each other for years. I've been waiting for this to happen…"
Fin rolled his eyes, "And I had to watch the Stabler Benson saga play out...so save it."
She smirked at him, "You had plenty to say about it...so don't expect me to let this go. But…" She shrugged, "I'm happy for you Fin. She's great."
He nodded, "Well don't marry us off yet, okay? We're just...hanging out."
"Okay." She said as she started to walk towards the stairs, "I'll wait until next week to pick out furniture for your new place."
Elliot chuckled and Fin glared at her, "That's my wife…"
Fin tried to be mad but he smiled, "She seemed...good."
Elliot took a deep breath and nodded feeling hopeful, "Yeah. Yeah she did…"
Upstairs, Olivia settled into her rocking chair and went about getting settled to feed Serena. She stared down at her daughter as she latched onto her breast and she sighed in contentment. Finally starting to feel that things were settling into place in a good way.
A few minutes later, Elliot knocked on the door and she smiled at him, "You can come in."
Elliot walked into the room, shut the door behind him and leaned against it, "Fin's on the phone. Just wanted to...check in. See how things went."
She smiled up at him, "It was good. It felt good to just talk things out...made me think about a lot of things differently."
He nodded and looked down at the ground, "Good...that's good."
"I'm glad Fin came to visit. But I was thinking maybe tonight, we could talk about some stuff?" She asked anxiously, "Just...things that came up."
He walked over to her and knelt down in front of her, "Of course. I actually...want to talk to you about somethings too."
She smiled at him, "Good. That's good…"
He squeezed her arm and looked down at Serena feeding, "See...you really are a natural."
She blushed slightly, "Hm...maybe. It's getting…" She shrugged, "Not necessarily easier but just...more comfortable."
Elliot leaned up and kissed her head, "One day at a time."
She smiled up at him as he turned to walk out of the room and give her some privacy.
Twenty minutes later, Olivia was sitting out on the back porch with Fin while Elliot changed Serena and put her down for a nap.
Olivia looked at him and smiled, "I'm glad you came by."
Fin smiled, "Me too. You look...good."
She fidgeted in her seat, "I'm...getting there."
Fin reached out and put a hand on her arm, "Remember you don't have to do it all alone baby girl."
"I know. I'm...working on that." She squeezed his hand and then pushed her hair back, "I don't like talking about certain things but it was...good."
"Elliot mentioned that he may go with you." She nodded slowly, "That man does love you...the day I thought Stabler would talk to a therapist was the day hell froze over."
She rolled her eyes, "He's...doing it for me."
"But I think he might need it too." He looked up as Elliot was walking towards the back door, "Look I gotta go. Figure I should pick up my real girl some flowers and chocolate...not just the work wife."
She laughed and looked up at him, "Good plan."
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, "Call me tomorrow."
"I will." She squeezed his hand and watched him start to walk towards the door.
Elliot opened the back door and smiled, "Headed out?"
"Yeah...got a date to get ready for." He said with a smirk, "Maybe I'll end up with one of those babies too…"
Elliot smirked, "Maybe…" He stuck out his hand, "Good to see you. Maybe we could…" He shrugged, "Hang out again sometime."
Fin shook his hand and shrugged back, "Yeah...maybe."
Olivia put a hand to her heart and smiled, "Oh look at my two boys playing nice."
"Leaving now." Fin said with an eye roll before walking back into the house.
Elliot laughed and walked all the way onto the porch and up to Olivia. She smiled up at him and he gave her a look, she laughed and stood up understanding what he was saying. He sat down, and quickly pulled her into his lap. She was stiff in his arms and he could tell she was uncomfortable.
"Liv…" He whispered, as he pressed a kiss into her neck.
She started to go to stand up a bit, "I'm probably crushing you. I'm-"
"Stop." He said, holding her still, "Liv stop…"
She sighed and stopped struggling, "El...I'm bigger than I used to be. I'm-"
"You gave birth to our daughter three weeks ago Olivia. Your body changed to nurture her, to help her grow, to help her thrive. Yes your body looks a bit different but if you ask me...you look even more beautiful." He whispered to her, "Not that I thought that was even possible."
She sighed and looked at him, "I hate when you're sweet...makes it harder to be stubborn."
He chuckled and kissed her again, "That's the point."
Reaching out she tugged at the hem of his shirt, "Can I ask you something?"
He rubbed her back gently, "You know you can ask me anything." She hesitated for a moment and he pushed her a little, "Is this about something you talked to Huang about?"
"Yeah...sort of." She paused again, "I mean yes." She bit her lip gently and he looked at her, waiting for her to talk, "Why...why me?"
He cocked his head to the side and squeezed her hips, "What? What do you mean why you? You mean why did all of this hap-"
"No." She said resting a hand on his chest, "I mean...why did you-" She closed her eyes for a moment and then whispered, "Why did you choose me?"
Elliot sat back and felt floored by her question, "Why did I choose you?" She nodded slowly and he saw tears prickling in her eyes, "Olivia…"
"I mean you were...married." She said with a tremor in her voice, "You...married Kathy. You had a life. A family. Why did you...why did you choose me? Why didn't you fight for your marriage?"
Elliot shifted slightly and she slid off of his lap into the chair as he stood up, "Wasn't expecting that question."
She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, "It's okay...I shouldn't have asked you that. It's okay."
He turned back to her and shook his head, "No. You clearly need an answer. I just didn't realize you didn't know. And that...hurts."
She stared up at him, afraid he was angry with her, "El-"
"When I met Kathy...I was a kid. We were...young and reckless and yeah I loved her. Or I thought I did. I thought it was love." He scratched the back of his neck, "But I didn't envision a future with her. Maybe because I was so young or maybe because it didn't feel like a forever kinda thing. But...she got pregnant. And I made a choice. I'm not saying that our life together was bad. We got five great kids out of it. For that...I am grateful for the choices I made. But we didn't...we didn't understand each other. We could never talk to each other...not about real things. We just existed. For the kids. We...had good times. We were happy in our own way but it didn't feel like I expected marriage to feel."
She looked at him and frowned, "I don't understand."
He turned to look at her and sighed, "Kathy never saw me." She didn't respond and he pushed on, "She didn't see who I was. She didn't understand me...she wasn't able to read me. And lord knows I didn't share information."
She smiled at him, "Elliot…"
He looked down at the ground, "The minute I met you I felt comfortable. I mean I didn't share everything...but I felt like you understood me. Like I didn't have to say much...you read my mind. And when I needed a push...you were there. You never gave up on me even when I was a shit." He smirked, "How many walls did I beat up? Perps? How many times did I fuck up at work and deserved to be tossed aside? Yet you never did…"
"Of course not." She said staring at him shocked, "I always believed in you Elliot. No matter what. I still do."
He smiled and knelt down in front of her, "Exactly my point. No one believed in me the way you did. No one made me feel the things you did. And I don't just mean…" He wiggled his eyebrows, "You know…"
She laughed but rolled her eyes, "Yes. I know what you're referring to Stabler."
He smiled and kissed her gently, "You pissed me off. Or so I thought. I was just...scared. Because you saw right through me. You saw me for me, good bad and ugly and you still wanted to be around me. And I remember thinking...this is what love is supposed to be. This is how I pictured it. Someone who doesn't judge me, someone who knows all my flaws and still...wants to be around."
She smiled and touched his cheek, "Elliot-"
"I knew my marriage to Kathy was over long before we separated. We both did. But we kept it together for the kids and because...it was comfortable. We knew our roles. I knew how I felt about you...what I wanted. And what I wanted was you." He shrugged, "I just...didn't know if you felt the same. I liked to think that you did but I wasn't sure."
"You didn't say anything." She said with a shrug, "I didn't want to be the other woman. I didn't want to break up your marriage."
He nodded, "I know that. As much as I'd like to wish we got together sooner...it happened the way it needed to for all of us." He moved a little and then sat down beside her, "But then you left…"
She reached for his arm, "Elliot…"
"Liv, most days I was a wreck when I was home with my family. But I pulled it together because I knew I'd see you at work. I could handle it if you were beside me. And then suddenly you weren't. First computer crimes...and then you were in Oregon. And no one would tell me what was going on. I couldn't find you. I have never-" His voice cracked and he reached for her hand, "I have never been more lost in my life. It was torture."
She rubbed his arm, "Elliot you know-"
"I know." He said softly, "But the thing is...I'm not whole when you're not here. I'm not...I'm not the man I'm supposed to be. I chose you because you make me better. I chose you because you love me no matter what. I chose you because you make me happier than I thought was humanly possible. I chose you because you are everything, you're my life. I love my kids...I will die for them. But you Olivia...you're my partner. In every sense of the word, I can't and won't do this life without you."
She let out a little breath, "Huh...that's a better answer than I expected."
He gave her a look, "What did you expect?" She didn't answer and he frowned, "Liv where is this coming from?"
She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, "Despite the fact that you and I have been together for awhile...that we're married I think I've always kind of just been waiting for you too…"
Her voice trailed off and he took a deep breath trying to understand what she was saying, "To what?" She didn't answer and he frowned, "To what Liv?"
"To...leave." She said softly, she looked down afraid to meet his eyes, "To figure out that I'm not the person you think I am. Realize that you want...something else. Someone else...Kathy or-"
"Olivia." He said without missing a beat, she cringed and then looked up, "I don't want anyone else. I'm never going to want anyone else. You're it for me. You always have been and I hate-" He shifted and reached for her hand, "I hate that you don't know that. That you don't think I-" He saw her start to cry and he reached out and wiped her tears away, "Liv...I will NEVER leave you."
She shrugged sadly, "Everyone else always has…it's just hard sometimes to think that you really do want to be with me. Even after all this time I'm still...insecure about us. Not because of you, but because of me. And I think...I think that the whole trial and all of that stuff...just came up again. And then when you called…" She cringed again, "It just felt...it hurt. I trust you. I do. I just don't trust that I'm good enough for you."
Elliot sighed and then pulled her into his arms, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. It wasn't my intention. I just...I was scared. I didn't know how to help you Olivia. I like to be able to fix things for you. I want to be the one that makes it all okay but I couldn't fix this for you. Any of it. And that scares me. It hurts me...because I hate when you're hurting."
She watched him carefully, "Elliot are you mad at me?"
"No Olivia. I'm not mad." He squeezed her tight, "I'm just...I'm sad that I can't make it all okay for you. That I can't make you see how much you mean to me. That there is no life for me without you."
She wrapped her arms around his middle and snuggled close, "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize." He said kissing her head, "We're just going to have to figure this out together…like we always do."
She rubbed his chest gently, "I think the thing is...that you've been the only person in my life that I needed. Even before we became a couple you were everything to me Elliot. I just assumed that you didn't need me."
"I do need you." He said, giving her a squeeze, "I need you more than you will never understand. And that scares me too."
She sighed and breathed him in, "I love you."
"I love you too." He kissed her head and held her close, "And because I love you...there is something I really need to talk to you about. Something that is bothering me too."
She was quiet for a moment, then pulled away to look at him, "Okay? What is it?"
Elliot took a deep breath, "I need you to really listen to what I'm going to say before you react, okay?"
She sat all the way up and frowned, "Elliot, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"
He took a deep breath and looked right at her, "I want to go see Hollister."
He knew right away that she was shocked by his statement by the look in her eyes, "What? Why?"
He frowned, "I want to talk to him."
She pulled away and he tried to reach for her again but she pulled away, "Talk to him about what? You want to ask his permission for marriage? We're already married. I think you can skip the Father, Husband intentions chat."
"Olivia…" She turned and looked at him but he could tell she was upset, "I want…" He sighed again and rubbed the top of his head, "I just want...to see him."
She shrugged, "You did see him. In court. Wasn't that enough?"
"I understood when you wanted to talk to him." He countered and she didn't respond, "Can you let me do the same thing?"
"But why?" She said throwing her hands up, "I mean me...I had unfinished business with him. But what could you possibly have to say to him?"
"If someone had hurt me...wouldn't you want to...to face them." He said with a shrug, she turned away again, "Would you want to mess with them a little?"
She shot him a look, "So you're going there to beat him up? Great. I'll let Serena and the kids know that you-"
"No. That came out wrong. I'm not going to hurt him." She glared at him, "Okay yes I'd love to wring his neck. I'd love to give him a piece of what he deserves." She started to turn away and he grabbed her arm gently, "But I wouldn't do that. I have too much to lose."
She gnawed on her lower lip, "Then what-"
"I want him to look me in the eye and tell me what he did. To tell him that he has no control over you...that you are a good person. I want...I just want-" He sighed, "I don't know...I don't know what I want. But I hate him. And I just...I feel like I need to do this. For me. For...for us."
She stared at him for a moment and then walked all the way up to him. He didn't move at first, but when she put her hand on his cheek, he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, "Elliot I love you. But you don't need to do this to prove anything to me." He started to pull away, "He's already in jail. You said yourself that he can't hurt us anymore."
"Physically no. But everything that he is...that he did has hurt you." He shrugged, "Hell it makes you question our relationship. And that pisses me off."
She sighed, "I'm not questioning…" He gave her a look, "Okay I can see why you would feel that way but I-" She frowned and pulled way again, "Elliot I don't want you to...do something that could-"
"I promise that I won't physically harm him. Okay?" She clearly didn't believe him and he frowned, "Believe in me like you always do...please?"
She turned away from him, ran a hand through her hair and sighed, "I do believe in you Elliot...I just-" She paused and turned to look at him, "I hate him. And I don't want...I don't want him to take anything else from me."
He walked up to her again and whispered, "Hey...he's not going to take me from you. I'm not going anywhere."
She stared at him for a moment and frowned, "If you see him...if I-" She sighed, "Can you let it go after that?"
"Yes." He said quickly, she didn't move, "I promise Liv. We never have to see him again. Never have to talk about him again unless you want too. I just really need to do this. It's been bothering me and I didn't want to bring it up. I was afraid it would upset you but…"
She stepped up into him and wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his neck, "Okay."
He held her close and was surprised by her answer, "Okay?"
Pulling back just enough so she could see his face she leaned up to kiss his jaw, "Okay. But…"
He raised an eyebrow and touched her face gently, "But what?"
"I want to...talk to Huang with you. Before you go. It just...it would make me feel better." She said with a shrug, "At least a little."
"That's fair." He said cupping her face with both hands, "I'll call Casey and see if she can get me in sometime after your appointment next week."
She nodded and looked at his chest, "Hm…" Pausing, she glanced at him from under her lashes, "No chance you'll let me go in with you?"
He smiled, "I'd prefer it if you didn't...knowing you were with him once was enough."
"So is this payback?" She said with a little pout and he shook his head, "I know. I know. I get it. I do. I just...don't like it." She pulled him closer, "Earlier I made a joke about never letting you leave my side. I think I take back my stance on that."
He pulled her back in and rocked her back and forth, "You're stuck with me Benson. Whether we're physically together or not, I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I might not know a lot about life...but this is one thing I do know. I'm yours. I always have been. And you're mine."
She held him tighter and kissed his neck, "I like the sound of that."
"Everything is going to be okay." He said massaging her back, "One way or another...it's going to be okay."
So there is probably like one more chapter left and an epilogue...this has been a fun one to write. But I think we're almost finished here! I have some other ideas for short stories and longer ones I really want to explore soon though! Can't get enough of my fav TV characters Elliot and Olivia.