I'd Give My Life So This Tree Can Grow
By the middle of June, Castiel had settled into life in Sioux Falls. He had what appeared to be two successful programs up and running with new people joining each week. Michael was not overly impressed with his approach but the results couldn't be denied. For a small downtown congregation, they were thriving.
Duma was a huge help, to bounce ideas off and generally spent time with. He enjoyed his time with her and they often had dinner together after she was done with work. It was wonderful to have a colleague who was also a friend. Their beliefs seemed to be in line, although she strayed into more conservative territory than he did when it came to the importance of obedience.
He and Dean had even found a comfortable rhythm to life together. Castiel kept a schedule that meant working out of the house most of the time, able to keep his balance easier that way, but dinners together, and the lunches Dean now left for Cas in a paper bag next to his computer in the mornings melted his heart. The simplicity of dinners together and either watching TV or listening to music on the porch was the kind of life Castiel had always hoped to have and never imagined finding.
Sometimes their fingers would find each other and movie night still flitted the line between simple touch and temptation, but Dean didn't push, didn't ask for more. It was Castiel who leaned into the hand on his shoulder, who pressed his side against the larger man's body in a hope to feel what it might be like to be held. It was unfair of him, teasing this way, but he couldn't help it.
The time had finally come for him to prepare his first sermon, a part of his requirements from seminary, and he was at a loss as to what to focus on. He needed to send in a copy of his sermon to his advisor soon and it was painful to spend so many hours staring at a blank page. Walking the line between Michael's growing conservatism and his own beliefs was becoming more difficult, but he was reliant on the man's recommendation at the end of this term.
He sat at the kitchen table, laptop open in front of him, Garth's head lying in his lap. Castiel scratched at his ears distractedly, the hound occasionally nudging his hand with his nose.
"Sorry buddy, I'm just having a little trouble getting going today."
"I think you should talk about the State of Israel. I find that's always safe territory in religious settings." Dean set down another mug of coffee next to the laptop.
"Your help is the opposite of actual help."
"How about the homoeroticism in Song of Psalms."
"Are you actually trying to get me to throw my coffee at you?" Castiel glared, but couldn't keep the smile off his face.
Dean opened his mouth to offer another unhelpful suggestion when the sound of tires on gravel drew their attention. "You expecting company?
"Not that I know of." Castiel glanced at the clock, it was 11 AM on a Thursday, not exactly prime visiting hours.
Dean opened the coat closet and dug out his shotgun.
"That feels like an over-reaction," Castiel frowned, going for the front door.
"You haven't lived out here as long as I have, Cas. Not everyone is as nice as you'd like to believe." Dean reached out to hold him back but Castiel was lithe and quick. He skirted Dean's reach and opened the door to find Duma climbing out of her car.
"Castiel! I came as soon as I heard! I'm so excited!" She ran toward him and wrapped both arms around his neck in a full-body hug. She pulled herself against him and buried her face in his neck while he patted her on the back, sneaking a look at Dean with a raised eyebrow.
"Duma, what's going on?" He pried her off of him under the guise of looking her in the eyes.
"Oh, you haven't heard? I would have expected Michael to call you." She frowned.
"Come in, come sit, and tell me. Do you want coffee?" Castiel took her by the hand easily, noting the hard frown on Dean's face. Stop he mouthed before leading her to the couch.
As Castiel got another cup of coffee for Duma and retrieved his own, Dean stashed the gun away and whistled for Garth to come back in from wherever he'd run off to. Some guard dog.
"It's the grant. You got the funding for your housing initiative!" Duma wrapped both delicate hands around her mug but didn't drink anything, too excited to stop talking. "There are some provisions we have to go over and agree to like curfews and stuff, but you got the money. A full year's funding."
"Oh my God." Castiel sat down, his eyes wide.
"What's up?" Dean asked. "You didn't tell me about a grant."
"It's not unusual for roommates to not share every aspect of their lives, Dean." Duma scowled. Dean could almost hear her wishing he'd go away and leave her alone with Cas, but he wasn't about to be run out of his own home.
"Oh, it… It was a surprise. I didn't think it would happen."
"Castiel put together the most amazing proposal to send into a number of organizations offering funding for youth aid. There's an old rectory that Michael doesn't live in and the minister before this didn't live in, which if we fix it up we can turn into boarding rooms with a communal kitchen and living space."
Dean looked at Cas, eyes wide.
Castiel continued, "It'll be specifically for kids 18-22 to help them get a start in life once they've aged out of other programs. Someplace they can feel safe and not worry about where they'll sleep that night. Right now I think we can house 4-6 people. It needs a lot of work though." He looked at Dean sheepishly, "I thought maybe you'd come take a look, see what we needed to do to make it nice? We'd pay you of course, especially now that we have the funding secured."
"Cas…" Dean breathed, looking deep into the blue eyes that always seemed to elude him these days, but now, the dark-haired man looked back at him with a gentle smile.
"For kids who don't have a Bobby," Castiel said. Heat flushed up his cheeks but he took a long sip of the hot coffee to give him something to do, to avoid looking at the man who he wanted to give the whole world to, but for now, could only offer this small gesture.
"This is amazing," Dean exclaimed, his face lit up and his eyes full of energy. Castiel could practically see him drawing up plans in his mind. "When can we go? Could we go now or tomorrow? When do you want to get started? Do you have a copy of the original plans or engineer drawings?"
Castiel laughed and reached out to pat Dean on the knee, completely forgetting about Duma. "I have to secure the funding still, sometimes these things end up going nowhere because of some stupid caveat, so give me a few days to deal with that and get Michael's final stamp of approval and then we'll go over as soon as we can."
Dean covered Castiel's hand with his own. "Really, man. I'm so blown away by this."
They stared at each other for a little too long, before Duma set her mug down and shifted on the couch. "I just wanted to make sure you knew," she looked down and away.
Castiel removed his hand from Dean's touch.
"Duma, thank you. You helped write all of the proposals and helped me organize everything. This would have never happened without you."
"Yeah, Duma. This is great. I didn't realize you did this kind of thing." Dean added.
"I didn't, until Castiel."
"He does have that effect on people," Dean smiled fondly at Cas, unable to hide his affection.
"So Dean, how have you been? I haven't seen you around much," Duma asked casually, crossing her legs and scooting slightly closer to Castiel.
"Oh, you know, been busy between here and the garage. Not much else in the works, not that I mind a slower summer." Dean smiled, still distracted by Cas's kindness.
"I ran into Lisa last week," Duma tossed out in the room casually, like a grenade.
"Oh?" Dean slowly turned, narrowing his eyes.
"She's really enjoying living closer to Minneapolis, you know she's got this really cute place right on one of the lakes west of the city." Duma kept talking, her mannerisms so casual you'd never think she knew exactly what she was doing.
"Who is Lisa?" Castiel asked, innocently.
"He doesn't know about your ex-wife?" Duma raised an eyebrow with a crooked smile. When she turned to Castiel her face smoothed out to show nothing but concern. "Such a shame, barely even lasted a year." She shook her head.
"Oh, yes, I know about that. Just didn't know the name." Cas offered, throwing a soft look toward Dean, but the other man's eyes wouldn't meet his and his hands were in fists in his lap.
"It was so great to see her," Duma sighed. "Last time I talked to her she wasn't even remarried, and now she has a baby! Amazing how time flies."
Dean stood up and gathered the coffee mugs with a grunt.
"Duma, I don't think Dean wishes to discuss this topic right now," Castiel whispered.
"Oh, no, I'm sure it's fine. I mean, it was what you wanted, right Dean? If anything you should be happy for her."
"I am," Dean leaned against the counter and stared over at Duma and Castiel. "She deserves a great life. Thanks for letting me know she had the baby, I owe her a call anyway."
"Oh," Duma's face fell for a second before the smile returned. "You two still talk?"
"Sometimes. But last time we talked she was only like 4 or 5 months along. I'm sure she's busy with a new baby. I'll send her something. Thanks for letting me know, Duma." Dean grit out a smile. "I think maybe it's a good time for you to go though. I need to get some things done and Cas was just working on his sermon."
"Oh," She glanced at Castiel with expectant eyes but he just smiled kindly. "Right, great. I'll see you tomorrow then." She stood and when Castiel held open the door for her, she leaned up against him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'm so proud of you." She cooed, flashing a wide smile, and headed out to her car.
When the door finally pulled away, Dean collapsed on the couch. "I was not prepared for that this morning." He put his feet up on the coffee table and threw an arm over his eyes.
Castiel came and sat close up against him, not sure what to do with his hands. "I've never seen her like that before. She's always so positive."
"Until she's possessive."
"Possessive?" Castiel cocked his head to the left and Dean looked out from under his arm and laughed.
"I can't decide if you're really as innocent as you seem or if you do that on purpose."
"Do what?"
"Dude, Duma's totally into you, like jump your bones and make a gaggle of babies with unpronounceable angel names with you." Dean laughed but it didn't sound like he found it all that funny.
"No, that's not…" Castiel stopped, thinking about all the time they spent together, the innocent hand-holding, the dinners out. "Oh my."
"Did you just figure it out?"
"Dean, I think I might have a girlfriend."
Dean laughed so hard he had to pull his legs off the table so he could fold in half. Tears streamed down his face and the little muscles on the sides of his stomach burned.
"Stop laughing, this is serious."
"More serious than you knew, Cas-anova." Dean laughed again at his own joke slapping Castiel's thigh.
"What do I do?"
The look of abject horror on Castiel's face stopped Dean's laughter. "Buddy, just be honest with her."
Now it was Castiel's turn to laugh, but there was zero humor in it.
They sat in silence for a few moments, each lost in thought about women they weren't planning on having to confront their feelings for that day.
"So Lisa was your wife?"
Dean nodded. He got up and dug in the trunk under the front window and pulled out a picture of them. He had his arm draped over her shoulder easily. A young fresh-faced Dean was smiling at the camera and Lisa looked up at him with unabashed adoration. They looked happy. It made Castiel's chest ache a little, but there was something in Dean's eyes that made him uncomfortable.
"You said you loved her," Castiel stated.
"I did. As much as I could, I did. But it wasn't enough."
"Were you, I mean, did you have someone else you were seeing?"
"You mean did I fuck around with men while I was married?" Dean gave Castiel a hard look. "Despite that being what everyone thinks, no. I'm not a fucking cheater."
"I'm sorry Dean, it's just a common scenario."
"Yeah, I know, but I would never do that to her. But I drank a lot. And I did just about everything I could to be anywhere but home. I wasn't good to her. I wish I had been. No, I… I wish I could have been, but it just wasn't in me. We were too young and I wasn't being honest with myself about what I needed. We fought all the time. She would get so mad, she'd hit me and throw things at me, anything to get me to fight for her or to prove that I really was an asshole so she could leave, but I just stood there and took it. I thought I was being a good man, but I was really just a coward."
Castiel ran his fingers along Dean's thigh, soft, comforting.
"Then you're the perfect person to tell me what to do about Duma so I don't end up married too."
Dean chuckled and looked into Cas's blue eyes, marveling at how they changed color depending on the man's emotions. How were they so stormy blue, almost grey now, whereas earlier when it was just them joking around, they had been bright like the afternoon sky?
"This feels like dangerous ground. Do we need a sheet tent?"
Castiel shook his head with a smile, gripping Dean's leg more firmly. "No, I'm okay."
"Then you just tell her you aren't interested. That you really care about her but can't be more than her friend. That you're sorry if you sent out mixed signal but it was just that you really do like spending time with her and you should have been more upfront"
"Because as much as I like Duma, and other than her little display here today, I do, I could never love her enough."
Castiel leaned in and pressed his lips to a shocked still Dean's lips. The curtains were open. It was the light of day, and Castiel had decided not to be afraid.
"Cas?" Dean questioned into Castiel's lips.
Castiel ran his tongue along them in response pulling a shaky breath from Dean.
"Fuck," Dean pulled back and stood up, his face flushed and his breath coming harsh. Castiel could see the hardness pushing against the denim of his jeans and all he wanted to do was run his fingers along its length.
"Cas, we… We've been here before. You can't keep fucking with me." Dean ran his hands through his hair and began to pace.
"That's not what I'm doing."
"I believe you that it's not what you're doing on purpose, but the effect on me. Fuck Cas," he turned and looked at the other man with eyes so black it was hard to believe he had any control over himself. "I'm doing everything I can to be your friend, to be supportive through whatever you need to go through because you need the time and safety to do that. I want to be there for you, but when you do shit like that, man. I can barely hold onto my sanity."
"I'm sorry, Dean. I… I know I'm a mess and a lot to deal with." Castiel stood up, unsure if he should retreat to his room or try to continue the conversation.
"That's not what I mean." Dean walked over to Castiel and gripped his shoulders tight, simultaneously holding him in place and fighting to pull him closer. The war within Dean's heart threatened to crash over him. "What I mean is, I'm not as good as you, and if we start again and then you pull away, I might lose my mind. And I don't want to see you hurt. I can't bear the thought of what you've been through and that somehow I might make you relive that. I care about you more than I should, more than feels safe, but I can't stop, and I don't want to stop and I'm afraid that if I hope for more my heart's going to get broken."
Castiel frowned and pulled one of Dean's hands from where it rested against his arm. He pulled it up to his lips and pressed a firm kiss into his palm. "You're afraid I will hurt you."
"Yes…"
"I understand." Castiel backed away.
"It's not... It's not that I think you'd want to or would do anything to purposefully hurt me, but, you gotta admit Cas, you're 10-pounds of messed up in a 3-pound box, and when that blows up I'm straight-up terrified that it'll rip us both apart."
Castiel nodded and dropped Dean's hands. "I don't know that anyone ever completely climbs out of where I've been."
Dean nods sadly.
Castiel put his hands on the sides of Dean's face, "But I want to try. I don't know how to make this easier, and you're right, I can't make you any promises. But I want to try." Castiel looks deeply into Dean's eyes bringing his lips up to the bated breath of the other man. A simple straightforward kiss, full of unsaid promises and possibilities is over too soon, but lingers between them and can never be taken back.