Expose Your Tender Center

They drove to movie night together, holding hands in the Impala. Castiel couldn't stop looking at Dean's freshly shaved face and hair styled up and out of his face. He smelled fresh and clean, with an undercurrent of spicy cologne. The man was entirely out of his league, like drop dead movie star porn actor gorgeous, and every time he looked over with the glint of gold in his green eyes, Castiel's heart flipped. It was the goodness he saw within that pulled at his heart and made this risk something he had decided to take.

The potential pain at the end was too terrible to look directly at, for when he'd have to leave for school and then home. He had no idea when or if he'd ever get back to Dean, if he'd ever be able to make the kind of promises he suddenly wanted to whisper to Dean.

It nipped at his heels with Ishram's voice reminding him he had no right to expect God's gifts in this life or the next. It made his heart miss a beat, but then Dean's eyes would soften and he'd squeeze Cas's hand, and somehow, everything was better.

Who could Cas be without the blackness that covered him like sludge most of his life? Who could he be if he believed in the way Dean looked at him. Could God forgive the things he'd done, the people he'd hurt, the crimes he'd committed?

"What are you thinking? You have that far away look again." Dean tugged on his hand as they pulled up in front of Charlie's. "Everyone's excited you're coming and I talked to Charlie about the Claire stuff. Don't worry."

"It's not that." Castiel laid his head back.

"What?"

Castiel smiled and looked at Dean, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Dean caught his breath. "Is that in the Bible?"

Castiel nodded. "It's how… It's how you make me feel. Tenderhearted, like maybe I can be forgiven."

Dean undid his seatbelt and moved next to Cas and took his face in his hands. "You are too much, Cas. I'm amazed by how much love you have in you." His kiss was simple, sweet, and filled Cas with a pure clear light that lifted his soul and drove back the blackness.

"What are we watching tonight?" Castiel asked when Dean pulled away, breathing heavily.

"It's a surprise." Dean cracked a smile and climbed out of the car.

They walked up to the front door hand in hand and walked right in. Dean felt no need to knock or stand on ceremony, and based on the reception they received, the informal intimacy was not only expected, but it was welcome.

"Well, look at you," Meg said, running a hand down Castiel's arm. "You've, uh, thickened up a bit since we saw you last. Hot."

Castiel gripped Dean's hand only for the other man to reward Meg with a chuckle. "You should see him without the clothes," he winked, leaving Meg and Cas with their mouths hanging open.

Dean disappeared into the crowd, off to chat with Benny and Jo.

"So you and Dean, huh? Any chance you have room for a little meat in that sandwich?" Meg raised an eyebrow and Castiel couldn't help but laugh. She was so over the top. It was impossible to take her completely seriously, although he had no doubt she would happily jump at it if he agreed to her offer.

"Sorry, Meg. I don't share."

Meg cackled and smacked him on the arm before wandering off to chat with Dot.

Without Dean, Castiel felt unmoored. Each face smiled at him, but no one really talked to him. What did he even have in common with them? He didn't know anything about Charlie's pop culture interests or Kevin's high tech nerdisms. He asked questions, he listened, but he was uncomfortable talking about himself when it came down to it. He didn't discuss his personal life or past and he wasn't sure talking about his work at the church would be welcome. So, without Dean at his side, they didn't really know him. He was the strange tag-a-long who made odd comments at the wrong times and didn't get their jokes.

He shouldn't be here. Dean should be with someone who fits in with all these people. Maybe he and Benny should have given it more of a shot. Or Jo, she was beautiful and clearly adored Dean. Castiel was just a fish drowning in the open air.

"Castiel!" A familiar voice called out, and he looked over to see Eileen. A weight fell from his chest at the sweet smile that reached all the way to her soft brown eyes. She was a safe haven in this chaos.

How are you? he signed.

"I'm okay, tired. Work's been rough," she said and signed.

What's up?

I hate it, she signed, looking around quickly for Sam. I know I'm supposed to be all into it since I'm deaf, but being the ASL social worker at the courthouse is hard. There are so many sad stories.

Cas frowned. He knew that feeling. Being in proximity to heartache and having no power to change it was a part of his job, too. Do you do anything else that you enjoy? His hands fumbled, the sleeves of his black henley falling a little too long and making his movements clumsy.

He took a deep breath. If he's going to believe he's forgiven, then he's going to have to start with himself. He pushed his sleeves up to his elbows, revealing the severely scarred forearms and badly burned right arm.

"Cas?" Eileen said out loud with round eyes.

It's easier to sign this way.

She nodded and gave him a soft smile.

When did you learn how to sign?

They continued to sign quickly, talking through Eileen's job and what she'd rather spend her time doing. When Castiel told her she was more than just her ability or inability to hear and to consider what she wanted outside of that, he could see something pass over her as if the idea had never occurred to her. She had never let being deaf hold her back, but she was allowing it to make decisions for her.

Soon they were chatting about how Catiel had a deaf cousin and all the kids learned to sign. It came in handy growing up so they could talk during church and silent prayer time without the adults knowing. They discussed Sam and Dean and Cas's work at the church. It was easy, comfortable, and soothing for Cas, quiet. Eileen was funny and quick-witted, and the way she talked about Sam was downright endearing. He found himself wanting to get to know them both better, even outside of his relationship with Dean.

So you and Dean have worked things out? she asked.

It seems that way. Castiel couldn't keep the smile from spreading across his face. It's still new.

Be careful with him. Dean plays it tough, but he feels things deeply. What happened with Lisa almost killed him. I didn't know if he'd ever be serious with anyone again after that.

Yeah, he told me some of what happened. Castiel frowned.

Good. I don't like to sign other people's business, but he's got a lot of walls built up thanks to their Dad, and Lisa kicking him out seemed to brick them up for good.

Castiel nodded, rubbing his forearms absently. I'm not exactly without issues. But Dean's… he's like no one else."

Eileen made an audible squeal. Look at your cute little smile! You're smitten!

"Yeah, I am," Cas said.

"We're about to start," Dean said, walking over and throwing his arm around Cas's waist, pulling him tight against him. He lifted the fingers of his other hand and ran them over Cas's exposed flesh, a soft smile on his face. He kissed Cas quickly. "I picked tonight's movie just for you."

Castiel narrowed his eyes at Dean, somewhere between skepticism and fear. "What have you done?"

Dean just gave him his "who me?" face and smiled brightly, obviously very proud of himself.

They settled into their usual seats, but this time, instead of hiding their hands, Dean left his arm around Cas and he settled against the other man, placing a firm hand on his thigh. He noticed more than one person staring at them but saw nothing but kindness.

Charlie stood up, holding the remote control like a scepter. "My beloved subjects…"

"Oh god, her LARPing group has started up again," Dean whispered.

"Her what?"

"Quiet Handmaiden!" Charlie commanded, pointing the remote at Dean. "For all here attending the royal film viewing, it should be announced that tonight's attraction was selected by Deanifer of Winchester. Enjoy"

She bowed, and the group clapped and laughed as lights were turned off and the movie began. As soon as the first scene started to come up, everyone started to laugh. Eileen poked him in the side and Sam almost fell over himself to give his brother a high five.

"What is it?" Cas whispered.

"Just watch."

"Is it the third John Wick?"

Dean burst out into laughter, having to wave off the looks of their friends.

"It is the same actor, isn't it?"

"Yes, different movie."

"Will you two shut it? I'm trying to watch the hotness that is Keanu Reeves," Jo called over.

The first time he appeared on the screen in a suit and a black trench coat, Castiel narrowed his eyes at Dean.

When the exorcist leaned over the demon and announced himself, "I'm Constantine, John Constantine." Everyone in the room burst into laughter.

Dean could barely catch his breath. "See? It's you, with the trenchcoat and the suit and the bible."

Castiel tried to find the humor, tried to see the kindness in the reference, but he found it hard to breathe. He watched horrified as bugs swarmed the man and someone who was supposed to be his friend refused to choose good over evil. Just the mention of Balthazar made him cringe, physically pulling away from the screen.

Dean gave him a confused look and pulled him closer in his arms.

When Constantine descended into hell, fire surrounding him, demons clamoring for a chance to rip at his soul, Castiel's fear spread like spiders climbing along his nerves. He pulled away from Dean, wanting nothing to touch him. The twisting in his stomach like he'd been kicked over and over. He wanted to scream. Blackness covered his mouth, keeping the sound in as it slid down his throat.

"Cas?" Dean looked at him in the dark, but Castiel barely recognized him, seeing only the empty blackness of his past.

"I have to go," he whispered.

When Dean didn't respond, panic rose in his throat, he was going to be trapped here with demon fire and angels who were supposed to save sinners like him but who were really just dicks. "I have to go. I just…" Castiel stood, eyes unfocused as he looked around for the fastest way out of the room. He climbed over Dean through the dining room, back into the kitchen where he opened a beer and drank as much as he could as quickly as he could, needing something to numb his panic.

"Hey, Cas?" Charlie called, but by then, the tears had started to fall and he couldn't fill his lungs. He saw black spots everywhere and the whole world was closing in on him.

In the background, the words of the exorcism on the screen, the words he'd heard at the very worst moments of his life, came screaming to his ears from the other room. "Adjure te, spiritus nequissime, per Deum omnipotentem."

He recites the phrase along with the main character, and then continues, over and over. He braced himself over the kitchen sink, the words falling as freely as his tired tears. Bile rose in his throat and his body wanted to expel everything he'd eaten for weeks, everything he'd said and done. Everything he was.

He's lost in a place where prayers were sent up with a rapturous song to save his soul at the same time as his body was beaten and shamed.

Someone touched his shoulder. He jumped away from the contact, in pain as if he'd been struck through his heart. Shocked back to the present, the pain still raw.

"Cas?" Dean says gently. "You good, man? Do you want to talk or go?"

Cas shook his head, unable to look at Dean, Latin still spiraling in his head. He backed away when Dean reached out a hand, shrinking from the touch as if it might burn him.

"I can see your head spinning. You don't have to talk, but try to calm down, okay? I'm worried about you. You're okay. You're safe here."

A cruel smile spread across Cas's face. Safe. He'd never been safe one day in his life. Not really. How had he dared to be so brazen, to have such hope? He should have known better. Evil like him doesn't get those things.

"What would make you pick that movie?" Castiel croaks, the word dry and brittle.

Behind Dean, he can see a blurry crowd, his pain an exhibition, his shame entertainment for the masses. Again. Why should he be afforded any privacy now?

"What? It was just… I thought it was cute, like your trench coat. It was supposed to be funny, I'm really sorry it upset you." Dean had his hands out like he was talking to a child, trying to inch closer, which only infuriated Castiel more.

"Why would I find it funny to be compared to a man damned to eternal hell. A man God had turned his back on? Your correlation hits home, but I thought you saw more than that in me. More than this." Castiel pushed his sleeves up as far as they would go, exposing the cuts and scars and burns.

Someone in the faceless crowd gasped.

"I didn't think…"

"You didn't think about exorcisms? You didn't think about how they forced me to drink Holy Oil until I vomited over and over again for hours while those same words were recited? My mother watching and crying as she prayed for my soul not to burn? Adjure te, spiritus nequissime, per Deum omnipotentem." Castiel spat. "I know them by heart, just like your movie star."

Castiel's tears fell freely now and Dean stood before him, his mouth open, unable to move or do anything.

"Fuck you, Dean," he growled

"Cas," Dean's voice broke. "I'm so sorry. I should have realized. Let's go home."

Cas shook his head, refusing to meet Dean's eyes. "I can't. I just, I can't."

"What?" Dean stepped forward, horrified to see how Cas pulled back as if expecting to be hit, his shoulders folding in on himself. "Please, you don't have to talk or even look at me. Let's just get you home where you're safe."

It was the startled choking sob that did Dean in. Cas was lost. He turned back in a desperate plea that someone knew what to do.

It was Eileen who finally stepped forward. "Castiel," she said to get his attention. They signed back and forth a few times so fast Dean had no hope of keeping up, but eventually, Cas nodded and walked out to pull on his boots.

"Dean, take Cas back to the cabin. Make sure to get him to church tomorrow, he's spiraling about letting this ruin his position. And… just give him some quiet."

Eileen shook her head sadly and hugged Dean. "I'm sorry, Dean. He's not completely making sense. I think we need to give him time."

Dean nodded, "Thank you, thank you so much." He smiled at Eileen, and followed Castiel out to the front yard.