Just Close Your Eyes Slowly Like You're Waiting For A Kiss
Bobby's house was exactly the way Dean had described. They drove through what felt like a minefield of old car parts and carcasses, an endless sea of garages and detritus. Then they passed through a border wall of evergreens and a small house, surrounded by flowers and flourishing lawn, appeared like an oasis surrounded by forest.
"See, it's like driving into Neverland, one minute, it's all gray and trash, and the next you're at the perfect little cottage in the woods!" Dean beamed, squeezing Cas's hand. They climbed out, Dean opening the back door to let Garth out, who immediately disappeared into the large yard to roll and play with Bobby's dogs.
"So this is where you grew up?" Cas looked around him, taking in so much green.
"Nah, this is more where Sammy thinks of as growing up, but this is home. This is where I learned what kind of person I wanted to be." Dean's smile shone as brightly as the crystal hanging in the kitchen window, throwing rainbows throughout their home.
Castiel gave him the best smile he could, but it had been a tough week. He didn't have the energy or concentration to play the boyfriend meeting Dean's family in him, even if that included Sam and Eileen, but it was important to Dean. Castiel felt that was the least he could do. Especially since every day he was here, he became more and more certain he was going to leave. The black goo in his gut sloshing around and coating his soul kept growing, threatening to pull him under.
Before the car even stopped, Eileen was out of the house, signing as she rushed to Castiel. You're a terrible friend. Why do you never call me back or let me help?
She punched Castiel in the shoulder once she was close enough, earning herself a raised eyebrow.
"Looks like someone's feeling her feelings," Dean laughed and strode toward the door where Sam waited.
"I'm pregnant, and right!" Eileen glared at Castiel again before pulling him into a hug.
Cas ran a hand down her back and sighed. He could feel the slight bulge of her pregnancy reaching out toward him and he pulled back to look at her. You got fat, he signed.
"Fuck off, Asstiel," she said out loud, making him laugh and Sam squirm.
"Pregnancy has brought out the best of your delightful personality," he taunted, not sure why it was so much fun to poke the prickly bear. She was feisty and her smile was contagious. He always liked Eileen, but especially like this, so full of life, she reminded him that he was free, even if just for a little while.
"Come on inside, Bobby and Jody are waiting." Sam slung an arm over Eileen's shoulder and nodded to Castiel.
A pit of dread sunk into his stomach, splashing around in his self-hate. An old familiar blackness that reeked of shame. He wanted to know these people, to be in this life, but he was outside looking in. The things they didn't know, that they could never understand about him, kept him permanently removed. He had felt it every day in every interaction since coming here, except when he was alone with Dean. But now, even that was stained with his secrets.
He didn't know how he was going to get through dinner. He had to figure out how to talk to everyone about his life these days, which usually meant simple omission, but with Sam sitting right there, knowing every single thing about him, it felt more and more like lies. Even simple questions like, how was your day, or how's work, were off-limits for him. He could barely stand the voice inside his head, let alone the looks and words of anyone else these days.
As if he could sense Castiel's dropping mood, Dean slipped his hand into his and intertwined their fingers. "Now remember, Jody's the chief of police, so Bobby can't kill you as long as she's here."
"Wouldn't be the first body I've buried in the junkyard!" Bobby called from the kitchen. An older man with a barrel chest and trucker's cap on, blew into the living room like a force of nature, taking Dean into his arms tightly. "About time you got here, boy. Jody's been about ready to send out the National Guard!"
"Don't let him lie to you. I wasn't worried about you two at all. I think we all know who the fretting old woman in this house is," Jody called.
Bobby grunted and released the man he'd taken as his son.
"So, you're Castiel," Bobby reached out a hand and shook Cas's firmly, giving him an exaggerated once over. "Well, at least you're more attractive than the usual junkyard dogs this one has following him home."
"Bobby!" Dean groaned as Sam let out a barking laugh.
"What? I can appreciate a good looking man when I see one," Bobby winked at Castiel in a friendly tease. "Dinner will be ready soon, but Cas, I got something I thought you might find interesting in my library."
Bobby began walking down a hallway, clearly expecting Castiel to follow.
"Good luck, don't let the books fall and crush you to death," Dean smirked as he turned to his brother.
Castiel took a deep breath. He was so not in the mood to be interrogated. That's all his life was lately, phone calls with his advisor, with the Seminary Ethics committee, with Sam, with the grant administrators. Even with Dean, it was like a never ending litany of things people wanted to know. He hadn't spoken so much about himself in his entire life as he had this week. The idea of having a man-to-man about his intentions or whatever Bobby was going to ask about made his stomach turn.
When he stepped into the room, Bobby called a library. He was shocked silent. Shelves lined the room, which had to have been a fairly large bedroom at some point, floor to ceiling, but there were also back to back bookcases in the middle, adding more shelf space and literal stacks of books on the floor climbing almost as high as the door.
"This is my happy place," Bobby winked. "Whenever they get to talking about reality TV or whatever stupid thing one of their numbnut friends have done, I just come in here. Sometimes just to look at the collection, sometimes to read, but that means sitting on the floor, which I'm getting a little creaky for these days." Bobby smiled, a warm, genuine kindness radiating out of him in a way that made Castiel's heartbreak a little.
"Perhaps it would be worth investing in a chair," Castiel suggested.
"Perhaps," Bobby laughed, shaking his head with a smile.
"So you're the reason," Castiel tilted his head, contemplating Robert Singer as he stood in his prized collection of esoteric publications. Castiel could see at least four different languages and he was certain there were more.
"The reason for the season?" Bobby asked.
"No, the reason Dean is so… good. From what he's told me about his childhood and his Father, it would be so easy for him to have been an angry man."
"John Winchester was no Father to those boys." Bobby frowned, his eyes taking on the shadow of memories. "The best thing he ever did was get the hell out of their way."
Castiel smiled fondly at the familiar bluntness. "I couldn't agree more."
They stood awkwardly for a moment, Bobby not quite sure where to put his hands until he finally remembered why they were there. "Right! I have something for you."
Castiel blinked and leaned back to get a better look at him. "Why would you have something for me?"
"No reason, just thought you'd get a kick out of it, and what's the point of all these books if I'm the only one who reads it. Give me a second." Bobby disappeared behind a stack of books and then Castiel caught a glimpse of him climbing one of the shelves. "Just a second, I've almost got the damn thing."
"Bobby, I don't think you should be climbing like…"
"I know how to handle myself, boy."
"Of course." Castiel smiled at the familiar stubbornness.
"Here." Bobby returns and shoves a thin hardcopy book into Castiel's hands.
The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth.
Cas ran his fingers over the embossed title.
"Obviously, it's not a First Edition, the 1819 editions are all in museums, but it is one of the first mass-produced editions. It ain't doing nothin' but gathering dust here and I thought you might get a kick out of it. Bein' a choir boy and all." Bobby shifted his weight. "So there you go."
And he was gone, disappeared back to the group before Castiel could even say thank you, but he was pretty sure that was the point.
The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth by Thomas Jefferson. An original printing of The Jefferson Bible. Castiel had, of course, read it in seminary, and it could be found online as a PDF easily. Still, the book itself, as a piece of religious history, of American history, was invaluable to someone like him.
This was too much. This wasn't the kind of gift you just gave. This is something special, something sacred. How could Bobby know what something like this would mean to him? This is precisely the kind of thing that helped him make peace with his upbringing, with the secular and academic importance of his faith. Tears pricked his eyes, overwhelming him with the thought of such a thing.
He didn't know what to do. Part of him wanted to refuse the gift, but he knew how Dean would react to someone doing that (not well), which he imagines is the same for Bobby. He doesn't want to insult the man, but something like this, what is he supposed to do with it? He could never take it home. It would be something of his that had to live outside of the world he had to return to. Another piece of his heart, of his self, he couldn't let himself have like how he felt about Dean. Like how he could walk with his head held high for the first time in his life.
"You good?" Dean asked, his head popping around the corner of the door.
Castiel just nodded, but when he looked at Dean, he crinkled his nose to try to keep the tears from falling, but they spilled over onto his cheeks anyway.
"Hey, what happened? Are you alright? Bobby didn't say anything, did he? He's not as gruff as he likes to pretend. I'm sure he didn't mean anything…"
Castiel shook his head, his smile breaking out over his face as he clutched the book to his chest. "How do I deserve you?"
Dean just smiled, sunny and kind, "That's what's making you cry? Or is it allergies? Bobby's books can get pretty dusty."
"No, I just... Dean, you are so kind, and I can see how you got that from Bobby. The considerate things you do, the way you think about what people really mean, not just what they say. I bet that's what makes you a good designer."
Dean shuffled his feet and shrugged.
"I'm not good like you. I've done things. I try to do the right thing, I try so hard, but people around me get hurt, and I…" He shook his head. "I'm rambling. I'm just overwhelmed."
"Already? We haven't even started drinking yet." Dean brushed the tears from Castiel's face with his thumbs and then placed a kiss on his lips. "You're okay, Cas."
They breathed together for a while in silence, Dean's hands on Castiel's face or shoulders, soothing him as he stroked away the tears and fear. "I remember what it was like when Sam and I first got here. It was hard to believe anyone could give a shit enough to feed us and fight with us and teach us the way Bobby did. To this day, I don't know why he took us in. I mean, I was 18, for Christ's sake. He won't answer the question, just says it was the right thing to do. And I guess I've just accepted that sometimes things can be that simple. Stop making yourself miserable over this. You're fighting big fights right now with Michael and everything else, let this… us… let it just be simple."
He stepped closer and pressed his lips to Castiel's firmly, wrapping an arm around his waist so his warm hand could rub his lower back.
"I'm sorry, Dean, I didn't mean to fall apart."
"Wanna see "fall apart"? Come watch Jody and Eileen dance around what the baby is going to call her and Bobby. Using the word, Grandma has never been so much fun." Dean kisses him one more time and takes his hand, leading the way back to the living room.
The food was delicious and sitting at the small table in the middle of the kitchen, all tucked together, was strangely intimate. Castiel had expected to feel cramped but instead just felt cozy. Bobby had made the same lasagne Dean had prepared for him before, and despite enjoying it, he made sure not to point out that Dean's addition of Italian Sausage was a vast improvement. It took almost the entire meal, but Castiel finally started to relax.
"So Cas," Jody began, forever in mom mode, "What are your plans after seminary? I mean, you didn't do all this schooling just to end up working at the Gas 'n Sip."
Castiel wiped his mouth with his napkin and glanced at Sam nervously. He knew Sam was sworn in the most strict sense, not to say anything he hadn't given him permission to, but the facts about his life that Sam held in confidence hung over his head.
"Nothing specific right now. I mean, I don't even have confirmation yet that I'll be able to return to Seminary after what happened with Michael, but the ethics board is meeting about it this week, so we'll see."
"Prejudiced son of a bitch," Bobby muttered, standing up to grab the bottle of whiskey to refill everyone, except Eileen's, glasses.
"Sure, ok," Jody said, but her eyes were sharp and focused on Castiel. "But what had your plans been before all this happened? I mean, what's your hope if things work out."
It was like a loaded gun pointed directly at his temple.
"Well, ideally, I'd find a congregation of my own. Maybe one looking for a junior or youth pastor. I'd like to resolve some things back home and then move out permanently, find a place of my own."
Sam stared at him, face impassive as he took a sip of his whiskey.
"How hard is it to find a job as a minister? I mean, churches don't need a whole lot of ya on staff, do they?" Jody downed her glass in one go and held it out for Bobby to fill again.
Castiel forced a chuckle, hoping it was light-hearted. "No, not a lot. But hopefully, I'd find somewhere nice," he shrugged. He looked at Dean, whose face had tightened up. "Um, I've also thought about getting my Ph.D. in Ministerial Studies, then I could teach or do one of the traveling ministerial programs."
Dean coughed.
"Travelling?" Jody asked. "What would a minister travel for?"
"Oh, for if a congregation has a temporary opening, you go and fill in for a year or two while they search for a permanent replacement. It gives people time to find the right fit. It's a great program. I'm just not sure moving every year or two is what I want long-term."
"Sure," Sam said, his lips pursed.
Castiel's heart thudded in his chest. This whole conversation was basically his worst nightmare. He was skirting his future because Dean didn't want to talk about it, and his family, even though Sam did want him to talk about it, and his personal life because he didn't want to talk about it. It was like a minefield of small talk dressed up as a bouncy house full of grenades.
"Why don't we clean up and get some pie," Eileen stood up and started stacking plates, which Castiel eagerly joined in on.
"That sounds perfect!" Bobby leaned back, lacing his fingers together behind his head and looking at the table. "Look at this, my boys, and a proper family dinner." He nodded to himself and sucked on his teeth as he gazed at everyone around the table.
"And your loving and gorgeous wife, of course," Jody said, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek, which brought the cutest tinge of pink to Bobby's neck.
Dean was right. This was simple. This was easy. He just wished it could be his.