Let's Just Say That Things Look Different Now

"Her name was Kelly. Kelly Kline. And she was my best friend." Cas began quietly.

Dean held his breath, his eyes darted over to where Jack slept, covered by a mound of blankets. His heartbeat sped up as he strained to hear every word Cas said, but at the same time, dreading whatever he had to tell him. The man looked wrecked, absent, and lost. And Dean couldn't help but notice Cas had said "was."

"Hannah, Kelly, and I were inseparable. We were the only ones around our age. The next set of kids was older and all boys. My brother Uriel was like a little gang leader and I did everything I could to avoid them. As I got older, their taunting and beatings only got worse, they knew they'd never get in trouble for it even if they got caught. So when I needed a place to hide, I'd go to Kelly's house. Her parents didn't approve of our friendship but they knew I wasn't a threat to her, so I was allowed to stay the night on her floor when things got really bad."

Cas shook his head, his eyes glassy and distant, he had a small smile on his face, like the echo of a memory that had once been happiness. He still didn't look Dean in the eye, lost in his thoughts.

"She was the one who nursed me through the fevers as I healed from the burns, making sure they didn't get infected and keeping the skin clean. It was an ugly job, gruesome. I was black and charred and screamed as she peeled the dead flesh away from my wounds. Without her, I would have died from it. I think a part of them wanted me to die from it, but Kelly wouldn't let that happen. She never gave up on me. Even when we were little she was the one who always stitched me up so I didn't have to tell my mother when I had been punished. Never my mother, never my family. Always Kelly."

"You loved her," Dean said, awed.

"In a manner, yes. Before coming to Sioux Falls she was the only real friend I ever had."

"What about Hannah?"

Cas rolled his eyes through his tears, "She's my sister. It's different. You know that."

Dean let out a hum and crossed his legs. He leaned against the small formica table and waited for Cas to continue. Pushing him now would be cruel, Cas needed to get the story out on his own terms and even though Dean bubbled with questions, he also fell into the vision of the girl Cas knew. Young and brave, she must have loved Cas fiercely and despite the edge of jealousy he couldn't help, Dean was grateful for her.

"Kelly was matched to marry right when I finished college. No one bothered trying to match me. No one would have wanted their daughter tied to me and I'd made my peace with that. I was content to live alone and let life flow by until I didn't have to endure it anymore. But Kelly was set to marry a widower. A man named Zachariah. He was old and mean and there were rumors about him and his daughter that would turn anyone's stomach. So when Kelly came to me and begged me to marry her, to save her from him, I said yes."

Cas sniffed and looked up as if answers to the universe resided in the popcorn ceiling in a dingy motel room.

"When I went to her father, he agreed, thinking it at least with me she'd be loved and cared for. He knew I would never hurt her even if it wasn't a real marriage. I didn't have much to offer and my disinterest in girls wasn't a secret, but if Kelly was willing to live a life with me without that kind of love, I was more than willing to give it to her. Ishim thought the whole thing was hysterical, but almost like he was trying to prove a point, he agreed to the marriage. His condition was we had one year for Kelly to get pregnant or it would be annulled and she'd have to marry Zachariah."

"Bullshit," Dean interrupted, caught up in the story.

Cas chuckled and sniffed. "No, I assure you it was quite serious. If our marriage was annulled it would be evidence against me, that my sins hadn't been absolved. I'd been so careful for so long. I couldn't imagine what Ishim might do to me next. So when Kelly got pregnant almost immediately, no one believed it was mine. But they had no proof."

"But he is, it's clear as day."

"Yes, as soon as he was born it was obvious."

"So you had sex with her?" Dean blurted out. "I'm sorry, it… it doesn't matter, you don't have to tell me." He slammed his lips shut, pulling his hands into fists on his knees, not wanting to hear the answer but still needing to know. He didn't know why it mattered. Cas had a past, everyone had a past. But it felt important like Cas had secrets on top of secrets and he needed to hear them all.

Cas winced and a blush came over his features. "Of a sort. It was all very... perfunctory... and over very fast." Cas looked down at the table, studying the pattern of dots before him, his face unreadable. After a pause, he continued. "I'd get… close, and then just... finish with her. Neither of us was happy about it, but Kelly was kind and never made me feel more awkward about it than I already did. I felt terrible I couldn't offer her the kind of love she deserved so I tried to do everything I could to make the whole thing palatable. But in the end the prospect of having a baby made her very happy, and I can't say it didn't make me excited too, even if that wasn't how I'd prefer to go about it."

"So Ishim forced you to have sex." Dean sighed, scratching at his stubble. Every time he thought he'd heard the worst about Cas's past, something new came down the line and shocked him all over again. Isham was the lowest, most vile person he could imagine. His abuse went so far as to be a rapist by proxy, forcing misery on everyone around him. If Dean had a free pass and could kill one person without consequences, he'd always thought it would be Hitler, but he changed his mind. He wanted to kill Isham more than he had imagined possible.

Castiel didn't answer, looking down and picking at the cuticles of his fingers.

"Jack is the reason I was allowed to go to seminary. The minister and elders decided I must have truly reformed if I was building a life with a wife and child. So they let me go, provided I came home for every break. Which I would have done anyway to see Jack and Kelly. He was born in May before my first year of school."

Cas's tears started to flow freely, his nose and eyes red.

"Kelly, um, she was so strong, but she got an infection and I wasn't permitted to take her to the hospital. She died when Jack was four days old. So my reasons for going to seminary changed. I'd thought I would go and come back home and try to change things. I thought I could be happy enough with Kelly and our child. But when she died, I swore Jack wasn't going to be raised there.

So I left him. Hannah's mostly raised him so far. I went home for every visit possible and tried to manage my schedule so I would have longer breaks. This summer was the longest I've been away from him, but Hannah would show him my picture every night and tell him stories about me. I'll never be able to repay her. He'll be four this May, and we've never had much time together. But I knew he'd be okay without me if he had Hannah, but as he got older that place was going to start to influence him. I've missed him so much, and Kelly…"

Cas shook his head before wiping away his tears. His half smile every time he said Kelly's name dug under Dean's skin, burrowing its way right to his heart so it could shred it to pieces.

"In the real world, outside of that place, I got all my ids and documents and I got perfect scores in every class and on every paper, I focused on nothing else. I didn't make friends or join activities. I laid the foundation to build something but I didn't even really know what that something was. I got a job and a bank account for the first time and a passport. I did everything a real person would do, so when I left with Jack, we could run and I might have a chance to build a life where we'd be happy.

But I haven't done everything yet. I don't have any papers for him. I don't have proof of paternity or even maternity because Kelly is gone and there's no birth certificate. Hell, there isn't even a legal marriage certificate on file. That's what I asked Sam for help with. If he could help get me custody, legal rights to Jack. The sooner I had that, the sooner I could try to leave with him."

He looked up at Dean and met his eyes for the first time.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you." Cas gasped as the tears came in earnest and Dean couldn't just sit anymore. He stood and pulled Cas against his body, running his hands through the strangely short hair and stroked his back. "I couldn't risk it, I couldn't tell anyone. If I went to the police Jack would be taken by the State. I'd probably never see him again. And if Ishim found out I had told people about the compound who knows what he would do to me or Hannah or Jack, or God, you!"

All Dean's anger and resentment melted out of him when Cas wrapped his arms around his waist and through choked tears he stuttered, "I missed you so much." They stayed like that, not speaking, well into the night, until Cas fell into bed with Jack and Dean laid in his bed staring at the ceiling.

The next morning, they took the long way home

Jack couldn't stand being in the car for too long at a time and he had to pee all the time anyway, so they plodded through the back roads, and Cas mined the internet on Dean's phone to find the best roadside attractions he could find.

Their first stop was the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame just outside of Cleveland OH. Dean was in Heaven, talking them through every display until even Cas couldn't pretend to be interested anymore. Jack did enjoy the Pink Floyd The Wall display and giggled his way through the whole thing. After an hour, he was climbing all over Cas, sitting on his shoulders, and asking to be swung. He climbed up and down the stairs between floors backward until Dean was finally convinced to leave.

He pouted. He wasn't too proud to admit it.

They drove and sang and avoided topics of any significance. Mostly Jack told Dean stories about playing with the other kids, or lessons Hannah had taught him, or books he read. Dean told him outrageous tales about fairies and leprechauns and princesses.

They stopped at a Mystery Spot with a Gravity Hill in Mooresville, Indiana and then dipped up into Michigan to see the Mighty Fist of Joe Louis. The drive was like a life outside of their life. They were everywhere and nowhere and time had no meaning beyond the sound of the ticking seconds. Dean spent as much time as he could just looking at Cas. Sometimes, he would catch a familiar smile on his face, the kind of smile that made him think there might still be hope for them.

Dean insisted they stop to see the Kaskaskia Dragon in Vandalia, Illinois. Jack fed it coins at the tail and then ran to the front to watch the Dragon breathe out fire.

"This can't possibly be safe," Cas complained, more than once.

"If it wasn't safe they wouldn't let people play with it," Dean insisted, handing Jack another few quarters. "Besides, not only are he and I both tickled pink about a real fire breathing dragon, but the kid's gonna konk out for a few hours as soon as we get in the car. We might actually manage to lay some miles down."

"I don't mind taking the slow path," Cas sighed. "I'm not sure I'm ready for so many people again after being home for so long."

"I guess you didn't get to go to a whole lot of upscale dinner parties." Dean looked out the side of his eye to watch for Cas's reaction. He didn't want to upset him, but he didn't know where the line was yet.

"No," Cas chuckled. "I am not exactly popular at home."

"Well, you've been missed in Sioux Falls. Lots of people will be excited to see you back. Even Duma deigns to speak to me in order to ask about you." Dean cracked a smile.

"Who knows we're coming?" Cas asked, panic straining in his voice.

"Hey, hey, don't worry." Dean turned and reached out, putting his hand on Cas's shoulder.

Castiel winced at the touch and looked around to see who was around them. Dean pulled back as if he'd burned him. "Oh, man, I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"No, no, I'm fine. I'm sorry. It shouldn't matter, I'll, I'll get used to it again." Cas said, his shoulders rolled forward.

"Daddy, I'm hungry!" Jack skipped up to them, grabbing Cas's hand and dancing around him. "Can we go? Daddy?" Jack tugged on Cas's arm but Cas ignored him, staring at Dean.

"Just Sam," Dean said lightly.

Cas sighed in relief, closing his eyes and shaking his head quietly. "Good." He said quietly before taking a deep breath and pulling his face into a grim parody of a smile. "Jack, calm down, please."

"But I'm hungry. Daddy!" Jack jumped and grabbed at Cas's jacket, jerking his shoulder down.

"Jack," Cas snapped, his tone sharp. "You have to be more careful."

The boy hung his head and nodded, the same sad slouch of the shoulders as his father.

"I understand you're hungry, but patience is an important part of getting along with other people," Cas explained, crouching down to look his son in the eye. "But yes if you're hungry, we can get something to eat, if you're done feeding the dragon."

"Thank you, can I get pie?"

Dean laughed, his head thrown back with the power of his exhale. His knees bent and his chest let out a booming laugh before he crumpled forward in a fit of cathartic giggles. "Fuck," he breathed. That kid was awesome. He wanted to just pick him up and spin him in the air. How could something so sticky be so damn cute?

"Daddy!" Jack said, his eyes wide, pointing at Dean.

"I know Jack, Dean is little more than a hairless ape sometimes. Maybe you can help teach him some manners… over pie." Cas smiles, and this time it reaches his eyes.