Surrender

"Strangest wilderness inside,
The heart drifts from hot to cold,
You think it can't make up its mind,
But suddenly it's always known,
Suddenly it's always known."

Finding out Reiner was the Armoured Titan was...admittedly hard to process. Somewhat impossible at first. As if your mind couldn't exactly see the two of them together and not as two separate entities. Perhaps it was the way your subconscious clashed with your hate, your need for revenge. Up to that point, you had lived your life only to kill that Titan. The one responsible for everything wrong in the world, at least in your eyes. Enlisting in the military, joining the Scouts, becoming their weapon - everything had been to bring you closer to vengeance. Reiner was the problem of course. Getting close to him, allowing him to fill the void inside of you. Trusting him. Feeling things that you shouldn't have been feeling in the first place. And having everything implode around you once again for the second time in your life the moment Commander Erwin said those words.

Annie Leonhardt is the Female Titan.

You knew then. Somehow, impossibly that it had to be true. Erwin knew too, and he'd seen the change on your face.

What is it recruit?

Wouldn't...wouldn't it stand to reason that the Colossal and Armoured Titans could be among us as well?

The smile on his face confirmed what you had been thinking. And your shock confirmed it for him as well. Had Erwin used you to confirm his own suspicions knowing full well how close you were to them? To him? Yes. You shouldn't have been surprised but you were relieved when he said nothing else. There were only two people close enough to Annie that it could be. And one of them had to be fucking Reiner. It was a cosmic joke. Because you weren't allowed to be happy. You were a weapon. With the sole purpose of killing titans for the Scouts. You weren't a person. Not anymore. And Reiner had made you feel too human.

And you never imagined after trying so hard to kill him that you would be sitting around a fire with him once again. Maybe that wasn't exactly true. When Armin had asked you to turn back – that securing Annie was the main priority, you'd listened. You told yourself at the time it was because Armin was right, but a dark part deep inside of your soul knew you'd given up so quickly because of Reiner. Because maybe, just maybe you didn't want him to die at all. But that wasn't something you'd ever allowed yourself a second to consider.

You could feel his gaze on you from across the fire but there was no way you could look at him. Not after going into the house to kill him and not doing it once again. You were in denial, that much you'd come to accept. It was hard for you to pinpoint an actual reason you'd gotten so close or when exactly it had become a habit to spend so much time together. It hadn't even been planned. Not at first. At the start you had just trained together and slowly relied on him to help you get better. To help you achieve your goals before Reiner himself even knew what those goals were. And he didn't find out until much later. Until it was too late. For both of you.

Eventually, training had turned into meals in the mess hall. Sometimes with Bertholdt, sometimes alone. And then the two of you begun spending time together outside of training. Until walking to lectures together was a common occurrence. What was it about Reiner that had attracted you so? Sure, he was handsome, skilled, reliable. But it was more than that. There was a vulnerability to him, something he hadn't shown to anyone else but you, something contradictory to the big brother he appeared to be. Maybe he hadn't even realized the times he'd slipped, the part of himself he'd unknowingly exposed to you. But it showed he relied on you just as much as you relied on him. As time passed, slowly that cold void inside of you seemed to warm up and sometimes, when you were alone with him, you forgot about that emptiness altogether.

After returning from Liberio, seeing Eren hadn't taken much at all. Convincing Hange was easy enough, after all, you weren't Armin or Mikasa – the two people they'd been trying to keep out. You'd stepped up to the bars and stared him down where he was seated on the uncomfortable looking bed, the single blanket crumpled around his form. The bed was clearly unmade and the area around the basin was surrounded by puddles of water that he hadn't even bothered to clean up. He should have been glad it was you coming down to see him and not Levi heichou. Eren didn't move or give any reaction that he acknowledged your presence there.
You were close with Eren as well, you supposed. Not as close as you were with Jean or Mikasa but close enough that you called each other a friend. You'd been closer before but Eren had begun isolating himself a while ago and in those moments, you wondered how this would go, especially since you weren't even ready to admit why you'd come down here yourself.
Sighing sharply, you have a soft shake of your head, mostly to mask your annoyance. "Heard you got a bit handsy with Hange. Kind of a dick move."
Eren continued to sit still, not saying a word but finally his eyes moved to where you were standing.
You lifted your brows, almost as if daring some kind of reaction from him. Eren continued to look at you and you could see a calm anger in his eyes now, despite the dimly lit cell he was being kept in. "Are we just going to stare at each other or-"
Eren leapt to his feet, coming across the cell with alarming speed. You could track his progress across the room easily but made no move to evade or counter him. Instead, you allowed him to grab you. A hand reached through the bars, gripping your shirt and yanking you up against the iron just as he'd probably done with Hange as well. The bars were cold and the impact rattled through your body but you used it to your advantage - you'd wanted a reaction from Eren and you were going to get it. Reaching through the bars, you grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down. The collision was almost painful.

And Eren stopped breathing.

For a long moment, you stood together, lips fused, but neither moved. Could it be called a kiss? You weren't sure. To anyone walking in, it would definitely seem that way. You could taste his lips, they had a tinge of saltiness, as if he'd just eaten. There was no doubt that Eren was having the same sensations as well but you refused to give up or back down. Hange had warned you not to come. But when you'd seen Eren, a part of you had wanted to lure him out, to see something of his old self again. Yes, admittedly you'd acted impulsively. This definitely hadn't been planned - but Eren did react.

He shoved away from you, breathing sharply as he wiped the back of his hand over his mouth.

"What the hell-" he exhaled harshly, his glare more surprised than angry.

He shouldn't have expected anything less from you, if he wanted to get hands-on with you, you would do exactly the same. Eren shook his head, he knew that you had always been harmlessly flirty with everyone so whatever had just happened didn't seem to affect him at all but when he looked up, something in his gaze changed.

"You shouldn't do that. Not when you're Reiner's girl."

His words had the desired effect and you couldn't hide the way your body locked up and the way your heart ached in your chest - it was written all over your face.
"I'm not-" your voice cracked and you took a breath, steadying herself. "To be his I'd have to be either wanted or had and I am neither."
"Are you sure?" Eren asked calmly and you glared at him, truly angry for the first time since coming down to see him.
Eren stared at you for a long time before saying anything himself. "Just ask or get out."
At this, you hesitated. "I...can't."
Eren's tone was low and you could sense the underlying anger that you were feeling there as well. "Yes, you can. Say it."
The words tumbled from your lips one after another almost desperately. "You saw him. Spoke to him. I know you did."
He answered immediately. "Yeah, I did."
"Tell me about him."
"Say his name." his eyes dared her, but you could see he didn't fully believe that you would. So, you called his bluff, but there was no pleasure in it. "Reiner. Tell me about Reiner."
He also took no pleasure in his next words, eyes glancing away as his voice dropped, almost as if he was confessing to you. "He's a wreck. Mentally. Even more so than before. I don't know what the military will do to him. With the candidates for the Armoured Titan here, it might buy him some time, but they might just have someone else eat him... " Eren trailed off, catching sight of the look on your face but you struggled to find your voice. "You wanted to know."
"I know." you seemed to choke on the words. Eren watched you quietly for a moment. "There's nothing wrong with forgiving him."
Half angered, half desperate, you tried to draw on that hatred, the same hatred that had been fuelling you for years but...there was nothing. The pit was empty and for the first time, you seemed to come up short. Eren noticed the hesitation. "He was following orders and years of indoctrination."
"Have you?" you asked in a rush, stepping up to the bars, fingers curling around the iron. "Forgiven him? For your mother. For Wall Maria."
A muscle ticked in Eren's jaw but he gave you an answer, but not the one you'd been hoping to hear. "...Yeah. I have."
Revenge had driven you for such a long time, letting go seemed impossible. "I don't know Eren..." without the anger, the hate, the need for revenge, you felt lost - without purpose. It was as you turned away that Eren spoke again. "You think we don't know how you survived? That Hange-san and Levi heichou have no idea how you happened to be on top of the wall when your gear was clearly wrecked and there was no way you could have made it back."
You stopped, your back to him but you didn't turn.
"Your amnesia act never fooled anyone, you know."
"Stop it, Eren."
He didn't stop. "There was only one way you would have gotten back. Someone needed to have returned you to us safely."
"Eren," you warned, voice low.
There was a creaking sound as Eren held the bars in a tight grip. "Reiner saved your life."
Your eyes squeezed shut tightly. You remembered. Of course you did. Despite your injuries and how close to death you had been, someone had saved you. You remembered his smell and his voice, the feeling of his arms around you. Blurry flashes of someone you'd always known to be him. Reiner. But you lied. Told them you had no idea how you'd been saved, because a large part of you refused to admit that you felt something other than hate for him. And that scared you more than anything. You'd been out of commission when the Scouts had reclaimed Wall Maria but the fear you still refused to acknowledge, was the fear you felt when you heard how close Reiner had come to death that day. Even now, you weren't sure what would have happened if you'd been there with them that day. Would you have attempted to save him or killed him?

One thing was certain. Reiner had put himself in danger to save your life. He could have just as easily taken you with him to Marley. But he'd cared enough to return you home, even at the risk of getting himself captured.

You felt sickened by yourself for the warmth you'd felt when Eren had referred to you as Reiner's girl.

It scared you.

And that fear pushed her to look back at him, "Was it worth it?"
Eren closed his eyes, turning slightly as if he'd given up on the conversation, as if he knew you were only lashing out then.
"Was Sasha dying really worth it?"
"Get out,"

This time, you went.