Chapter 2

"And if I could reach the Northern Lights,
Maybe then I'd understand it all,
Sometimes I try so hard to fight,
When all I want to do is fall,
Into the night,
Into your arms, surrender."

Now, still feeling Reiner's eyes on you felt like another cruel joke. Look away, you wanted to say. You wanted to glare over at him, force him to back down. But, the truth was – you didn't have the guts. What did he want to say? Hadn't you already said everything that needed to be said in that house? You finding him there had been another unfortunate twist of fate. You should have been with the others. You shouldn't have been with an enemy. And yet, somehow you'd ended up right on top of him once again. In the aftermath of the battle you'd seen both him and Gabi going into a house and only she emerged minutes later. You told yourself to leave, to go help your friends. You repeated those words over and over again as if somehow you would listen to them and leave. But you didn't.
Your hands gripped the roof tiles tightly, the sharp edges digging into your fingers, almost as if you were holding herself there. Every instinct telling you to go, to not go down there. But you knew it was over for you. You'd felt your resolve crumbling from the moment you'd spoken to Eren. And now, faced with the decision, you knew you would choose wrong.

"Fuck it."

Once you entered through the – unlocked – door, Reiner appeared to be asleep by the window and you couldn't see him clearly from where you stood, something you were silently grateful for. So far, Reiner hadn't stirred. But the closer you got to him, the more your heart hammered against your ribcage. You rubbed sweaty palms against your thighs as you shifted even closer, until all too soon you stood right in front of him.

He looked so...peaceful in his sleep. As if the worries that had held him down before weren't as heavy a load when he was sleeping. And as much as you hated to admit it, Reiner had become even more handsome. You instantly wanted to punch yourself for that thought. You wanted to punch him too. Anger swirled in your gut. For the lies. For the betrayal. For...everything he'd done. Faced with him so suddenly, you were unable to stop the emotions you'd carefully hidden from reappearing.

Why did I come here?

Defeated, you shut your eyes from him.
"How can you sleep so peacefully?" you mumbled, turning away.
"Finally going to finish me off?"
You tensed, hands automatically going to your blades as you spun back to him.
"How long have you been awake?" Reiner didn't answer you, he seemed to be in a great deal of pain and you didn't push the question. Even though Eren's words had warned you of what she would find, they had in no way prepared you. Seeing him awake now, the areas around his eyes were bruised and sunken as if he hadn't gotten any sleep in months, his hair - a little longer than before - was dishevelled but it was the look in his eyes that had hurt you the most. There was fear there. "Kill me, " Reiner whispered. "Or leave."
You couldn't hide the way his words stung. You'd never been able to. Especially not from him. And for a moment, Reiner looked confused - as if he'd expected anything but that.
"I...just, I just want to ask one thing."
Reiner looked away, giving a shake of his head. "Get out, -" he cut off abruptly, almost as if he'd been planning to say your name but couldn't get it past his lips.
"Reiner, please..." you hadn't expected to feel so vulnerable, or so desperate to hear his answer. Almost as if Reiner could hear that in your voice, his eyes returned to you reluctantly and you weren't sure exactly what he saw then but he sighed in defeat, struggling to push himself up into a sitting position.
"Ask." the words came through clenched teeth.
"Just tell me if you regret it." breathless, your voice broke, but Reiner heard every word and his face tightened as if he'd been expecting it. You hurried on, taking a cautious step towards him. "Maria, Trost, Shiganshina - any of it."
Reiner looked away, not as if he didn't know how to answer but as if he didn't want to. You knew why you came to see him then. To find some justification for your feelings. To make what you were feeling make some sense. So you wouldn't hate yourself as much for deciding not to kill him. Anything else - any other feelings - couldn't exist. You couldn't face that. "I wish..." Reiner's hazel eyes moved up to you again, "I wish I'd never come to Paradis."
"Thank you," You said, voice thin and strained. With your eyes still endlessly connected, you wondered if that would be enough. It wasn't the answer you had been hoping for. Either way would have been better. Him saying he regretted it or not. Either way brought acceptance, closure. This...you weren't sure what to make of this yet. But seeing him had the opposite effect of what you were hoping for. It opened up a well inside of you, something raw and painful. And you worried - for him. About him. "Thank you," you said again, desperate to leave now. To get away. To breathe for the first time since you entered this room. You made it one step. Only one. When his voice stopped you. You had never been someone who easily showed when you were effected by something. Even if someone could see what you were feeling, you never gave them a reaction. With Reiner now, you were a visible mess. Your hands shook at your sides, aching to open the door. Aching to leave. To separate yourself from him.

"Do you hate me?"

Tears stung your eyes. An immediate yes on your lips. Mostly out of habit. But you didn't say it. The lie died in your throat. Because you didn't hate him. Not at all. Not for a long time. The truth of it was-

Your name on his lips, finally, caused a panic to flutter in your chest. Hearing him say your name was everything you'd secretly hoped but would never admit.
Why do you care? You wanted to ask.
Shouldn't you be more worried about what Historia thought of you? That stung more.
Slowly, you looked back at him over your shoulder. "I wish you'd never come to Paradis too."
Reiner's eyes closed then and he shifted down once more and after a moment, so weakened by the battle, he did seem to fall asleep quickly.

But you never left. Instead, you turned, sliding down the wall to sit down. You couldn't abandon him here. You couldn't allow him to be found by the wrong people.

Luckily that hadn't happened. The right people found you but that had also brought you here. To this moment. Your eyes drifted over to where Levi was. He seemed to be asleep and you wondered how the hell the survived, his injuries would have killed anyone else. But Hange had patched him up and had assured everyone he would be up and moving sooner than anyone thought. You were grateful for that, because in all honesty – what the future held scared you for the first time. Although you were used to faking it. You were a mess. And being this close to the enemy…it didn't help. They weren't an enemy anymore. But that didn't mean that you could trust them. You couldn't right? Because trusting them…meant trusting him again. And you couldn't possibly allow yourself to do that. There was just…no way.
"No one's going to give me a hand here?" Hange asked. "Please stop glaring at each other…"
You stepped forward, crouching next to her, happy for a distraction – finally. Hange threw you a small smile before returning their attention back to the Marleyan soldier – Magath. Unfortunately, helping Hange also brought you closer to Reiner and made it harder to ignore how he continued to look at you. The longer the conversation went on, the more heated it became – or the more Jean's carefully restrained patience began wearing thin. You glanced up at him from where you were dropping vegetables into the stew and you could see the anger there, burning in his eyes. He briefly glanced down at you, as if sensing your eyes on him before continuing on. You didn't disagree with him. He was right. If it wasn't for Marley, none of this would have happened. Probably.
Naturally, the Marleyan soldiers disagreed. Hange intervened before it got out of hand, laying down a different perspective and you hoped that that would be the end of it.

It wasn't.

"Well, then." Annie spoke up for the first time and your hands froze over the pot. "Are you prepared to kill him?"
Even Hange stilled at that, their eyes going to each of them, her soldiers, one at a time, before landing on you.
"Are you able to kill Eren?" Annie pushed. Hange knew you well enough to know what you were feeling before you even knew yourself – most of the time. This time, you knew though. You knew what needed to be done. But also…that you didn't know if you were able to do it. Mikasa and Armin attempted to debate it – to find some other solution. Something other than killing their friend. But as expected, things turned hostile once again. You stood, eyes going from Mikasa to Annie. Wondering what would happen if Annie transformed right there, would you have to kill her? That wasn't even something you considered. It had been years since you'd seen Annie, but she'd been a friend too.

You didn't want to kill her any more than you wanted to kill Reiner.

You dropped down next to the fire once again, and Hange – seeing that look on your face, tried once again to diffuse to situation. It took a few minutes to dish up the food but soon everyone was eating the stew, which turned out to be delicious. After all these years with Hange, you had never know she was such a good cook. At first, the conversation started off a bit strained, but not hostile. That was, until Yelena got involved.
"Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?" she began, turning her gaze towards Reiner. "Reiner Braun, by opening a hole in the wall how many Eldians do you suppose were devoured by pure titans?"
For the first time since arriving here, you turned your gaze to Reiner. His hands held the bowl tightly as he stared at Yelena. "Slipping into the walls, sharing joys and sorrows with your comrades here?"
Reiner looked down at the food in his hands, seemingly losing his appetite with that one sentence. His chest rose and fell sharply almost as if he was trying to relieve pressure there – or maybe you imagined it. Yelena didn't stop there though, "Betrayal, killing each other and now pretending to be a comrade again." She moved on to Annie immediately and for the briefest moment, Reiner's eyes lifted to you and you didn't want to see it – you didn't want to know his pain. You didn't want to know the weight of his guilt. His sorrow. And it took you a moment to gather the strength to look away, to force your eyes somewhere else. Somewhere other than him.
"…eventually you trampled the residents of Stohess in great numbers." Yelena was saying but Annie's face gave nothing away and she continued to stare at Yelena with an almost emotionless expression. Yelena continued on her triad that no one asked for. And eventually, she got to you.
"And you, you are nothing than a weapon for the Scouts, with them having used you again and again before you even fully enlisted because of your talent for killing titans and yet – somehow you'd failed at that too. Reiner and Annie are still alive despite your best efforts and your friends have died around you one by one. How far has that talent gotten you? Weren't you right there when Sasha was killed?"
You turned your head away sharply, eyes stinging. She was right. There was no denying it. But you hated hearing it. You hated having it put into words. She continued speaking, but her words sounded too far away for you to grasp.

Until Jean spoke.

And you recognized that quiet calm in his voice. This couldn't possibly end well. You knew that. The moment Yelena mentioned Marco, things would go south very quickly. Your eyes went to Connie but he was staring down at his lap with wide eyes. Internally, you begged Yelena to stop. For Jean's sake. And for your own. Because you didn't want to know. There was only one reason Yelena would bring this up now.
Stop it, don't say anything else.
"If I'm not mistaken, you said Annie was involved with his death right?"
Jean had gone very still next to you and you couldn't do it – you couldn't look at Annie. And then slowly, Jean did. His eyes moved up – looking right to where Annie and Reiner sat. Waiting.
And Annie did tell him. But you still couldn't look up.
"I took Marco's 3D gear. That's why Marco was eaten by a Titan."
"Annie just obeyed my order." Reiner said immediately, as if he refused to let hertake the fall on her own. You inhaled a shaky breath, letting your lids fall shut.
"Marco…heard a conversation between me and Bertholdt that had to be kept secret. So, I thought if Marco were eaten by a titan, it would silence him."
Your hands curled into fists in your lap. Shut up, you wanted to say. Don't say anything more.
"I threw Marco onto a roof in mid-air and while I was holding him down, Annie removed his 3D Manoeuvring Gear. Marco couldn't move from that spot, and was eaten by a titan that came from behind."
There was a long moment of strained silence and then Jean spoke in that same eerily calm voice. "Marco…he didn't have any last words?"
"He said," Reiner began but his voice was hoarse, shaky, "We still haven't talked."
"Yes," Jean said, "That's right. We still haven't talked properly." Jean continued on, his tone completely contradictory to what he was saying, almost as if he was in shock. As if he couldn't quite believe what Reiner had said. Reiner opened his mouth again, and again you wished he would stop talking. You had a sense he was only making things worse. But he didn't stop. He kept going.
It was when he apologized that Jean finally snapped, he leapt past you and over the clearing towards Reiner, you stumbled back and Armin reached out a hand to steady you, his eyes grave. For a moment, no one moved as Jean beat Reiner – and Reiner did nothing. He didn't stop Jean. He didn't fight back. You shifted slightly, muscles tense – unsure of what to do. Unsure of who you would go towards. The realization made you sick. Maybe everyone was too shocked too move, maybe they thought Reiner deserved it. Blood splattered across the ground and onto the tip of your boot. You started down at it almost as if you couldn't quite believe what you were seeing. And then your instinct kicked in.
"Jean-" you reached out and it was then that Connie and Armin seemed to jump into action, wrapping their arms around him to attempt to hold him back. Jean kicked out again but the children had also jumped in to protect Reiner and somehow the hit landed on Gabi. You slid into the space between them, holding your hands out towards Jean as if that would somehow ward him off.
"Jean, enough -"
It only angered him further. He shook his arms free and gripped your shoulders. "Enough?" he whispered. "Did you really just tell me it's enough?"
You stared up at him with wide eyes but Jean didn't let go despite Connie once again trying to forcefully pull him away. "Did you not hear a word he just said?" Jean's voice kept growing louder and louder. In the corner of your eye, you could see Mikasa shifting closer as well.
"Why would you stop me?" Jean demanded. "After everything he did. To you. To us. We saw you. How you went after Eren during that battle. Connie and I. We fucking saw you protect Reiner."
"I-" what could you say? You couldn't deny it. You'd acted purely out of instinct, as if your body had moved completely on its own. Eren had been trying to eat Reiner. Were you supposed to allow it?
"Tell me," Jean leaned forward, his voice dropping low but still loud enough for everyone to hear him. "Is it because you believe he is worthy of forgiveness or is it because you're in love with him?"
The clearing seemed deathly quiet then and you forgot how to breathe. You immediate response was to throw his feelings for Mikasa in his face but you couldn't get any words out. A large part of you couldn't believe he'd said that. Jean had always been there, silently, without saying a word even though he'd always known how you felt about Reiner. He'd always been someone you could turn to. Because out of everyone he knew what it was like to love someone without them ever knowing the truth. He'd also been the only one who knew what you'd gone through with Reiner. Jean had been the one who'd sat next to you quietly and let you lean into him. Because you always thought he understood.

And you didn't blame him for this. You didn't blame him for saying these things. He wasn't wrong. It still hurt. But you knew he wasn't wrong.

"Jean." Mikasa said and his grip loosened a little but he didn't let go.
"Answer me."
You resisted the urge to look over your shoulder to see if Reiner was conscious. To see if he'd heard everything. What was the right answer here? Did you believe Reiner was worthy of forgiveness? After what he'd just said about Marco?

No.

Did that change anything?

"Answer me!" Jean gave you a shake and Mikasa stepped closer again.
"Jean," there was a finality in her voice.
"It's because I'm in love with him." you said, your voice a broken whisper but you knew everyone heard it and you felt like you were stripped bare in front of them.

Your biggest secret. But also your biggest shame.

You didn't expect them to understand because you didn't understand how you'd gotten yourself into this situation to begin with. Yes, before you had no idea of who Reiner truly was. And after, you'd been unable to turn it off. To stop you heart from feeling what it wanted to.

Or maybe you just hadn't tried hard enough.

Maybe there was a part of you that wanted to love him despite all of it.

And it scared you.

But what did it matter now? The rumbling started and most likely they would all die trying to stop Eren. Jean made a disgusted sound, finally letting go as he turned away roughly. You stumbled out of his hold and Armin reached out, immediately there to steady you. But you couldn't look at him.

You couldn't look at anyone.

Gabi spoke up then, and you were grateful to her. Something you never imagined. "We wished for all of you people from Paradis Island to disappear."
Jean looked over his should at her. "And then…my mom and my dad, all of the people from Liberio ended up disappearing…I'm sorry." She pushed away from Reiner and bowed her head in front of all of you. "I realize how incredibly impudent this is of me. We need your help! Please," she begged. "Please…lend us your strength!"

Gabi continued to beg and you glanced back and Jean, his face breaking piece by piece. Once again, he shook Connie off and this time, Connie let him. Jean turned, walking off into the trees. Connie called after him but Jean didn't look back.

"Why are you guys so fucking loud?" Levi complained from his cart and you felt a little bit of relief. Levi was probably the only one who wouldn't judge you. Mostly because he wouldn't care about any of it. "Are you okay?" Armin asked quietly, his arm still around you as if he thought you were about to break. You searched his pretty blue eyes, wondering if somehow he'd known of your feelings too. You nodded anyway, because that was the only answer you could give. Armin didn't seem to believe you. Jean was gone. The Marleyans were tending to Reiner who was unfortunately still conscious enough to have heard Jean's outburst. You gave Armin a slight smile, finally moving out of his hold. Going around the fire, you sat down next to Hange once more, taking the bowl that was meant for Jean from their outstretched fingers. Awkwardly, Hange shifted around as if unsure how to handle this. A hand fell on your shoulder a moment later.
"You're more than just a weapon to me," Hange said quietly and your head snapped up to her. Had Yelena's words bothered Hange enough to say something? You'd known Hange cared about you, that you were someone they wanted to protect. But it was still a fact that the Scouts had used you, that hadn't been a lie.
"I'm sorry," Hange said, hand tightening on your shoulder.
Your eyes stung again and you turned your head away. "This is delicious, Hange." You lifted the bowl a little without looking at her.
The hand squeezed your shoulder again before falling away. "I'm glad you like it."
It was as they were turning away that you managed to say it, a soft thank you. Hange paused slightly before sitting down too.