Chapter 3

"I said I didn't miss you,
but I lied,
Told myself I let you go."

It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment you fell in love with him, the times you spent together were something you astutely tried not to think about, but you remembered when you became aware of it with startling clarity. It had been after an especially tough practice session, you stood side by side in the cafeteria as always, but your muscles ached and your legs shook slightly under your weight. You'd complained about it and Reiner - being Reiner - had put his arm on your head, leaning down and smiling at you innocently despite the obvious added weight. You'd half-heartedly attempted to swat him away but it shocked you in the moment when it occurred to you that you... liked it when he touched you, that there was a warmth in your chest and a fluttering you'd never noticed before. There was no denying what you were feeling, you'd read about this many times but feeling it was nothing in comparison. You knew that it wasn't the first time either, but it was the first time you'd acknowledged it, admitted it to yourself.
"Reiner," you warned, poking at his ribs. "Keep doing that and I might believe you're the one making me feel weak and not the training."
Unfazed by your flirting, Reiner lifted a brow. "Oi, don't play with me."
Naturally, that opened up a slew of dirty replies but you never got the chance. Krista and Ymir walked past you, trays of food in hand but it was Krista who grinned as she turned to you. "You guys are so cute together."
Ymir threw Reiner a sarcastic smirk as they walked on but Reiner had tensed up the moment Krista spoke. His arm dropped to his side and it stung, twisting inside of your chest. It felt like rejection. Which in itself was crazy. There was nothing between Reiner and you. Nothing there to reject.
"Yikes," you said lowly, somehow to cover up the hurt. "Krista, huh? That was awkward."
"U-ru-sai." Reiner tugged at your hair as he pronounced every syllable of the word. He walked off then, to join Bertholdt. It hurt though, watching him walking away and the unmistakable way he glanced over to where Krista was sitting. You'd looked down at the floor for a moment, attempting to school your features so that you could pretend this wasn't happening. That it didn't hurt. That what you were feeling somehow wasn't real. But it was when you looked up that saw someone had noticed. Jean. And there was no doubt from the look on his face when your eyes met that he knew exactly what you were feeling. You had known of his feelings for Mikasa for a while, Jean hardly attempted to hide the longing in his eyes when he thought no one was looking, but it wasn't your business so you had never indicated to him that you knew. So, it was you who turned you head away from him sharply, as if your refusal to acknowledge it would simply make it not…real. Quietly, you slid into the seat next to Sasha and when Jean took the seat in front of you, he didn't give any indication of what he'd seen on your face and he'd never mentioned it again. But life with Reiner had become harder, he hadn't allowed you to get out of training with him, despite you trying every excuse known to man. Every time, Reiner had simply given you an odd look and told you to come along and every time, you'd gone without putting up a fight. Keeping your heart locked away around the person who knew you best wasn't always easy and looking back, you always wondered if he'd somehow known and never said anything. If he continued to be around you, if he continued to get close to you, knowing how you felt, knowing who he was, would that make him the monster you tried to make him out to be? Or maybe in the back of your mind you'd always know that Reiner had needed you as much as you needed him. In those quiet moments where he'd shown a vulnerability that hadn't been in his character, had he been showing you parts of him that he'd been hiding away? Had he been hoping you would notice?

Most nights, the uncertainty made you feel crazy, driving your sleep further and further away. Which one was it? Was Reiner a monster or was he someone just as broken and alone as you were? But mostly you wondered if you ever got the chance, would you ask him. Would he even answer?

That chance came sooner than you expected it to. Annie sought you out, something she'd rarely done before. It had always been you, asking her to train, hanging out with her. Not the other way around. She didn't waste time with pleasantries either. You were on the deck, leaning over the railing, finally getting some peace when she'd walked up to you.
"Are you that stupid?" Annie asked, leaning back against the wall behind you.
You glared at her over your shoulder, "Excuse me?"
"Do you seriously believe he liked Krista, Historia - whatever, more than you?"
Where the hell was this coming from? "I'm not discussing this with you."
Annie scoffed. "Run away if you want. You're good at that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Whenever you can't face something you either lash out or run away. It's not a secret. Everyone knows. You're just embarrassing yourself at this point."
Nearing the end of your patience, you sighed sharply. "Annie, I swear-"
"Please use your brain for once. We were all sitting together the night you said you were going to kill the Armoured Titan."
You half turned towards Annie, almost determined to prove her wrong. That you weren't about to run.
"Reiner knew exactly what your motivations were and yet, even though we repeatedly tried to get him to stay the hell away from you, he wouldn't."
You glanced away – out towards the ocean, fists clenching at your sides, every instinct in you told you to get out. To tell Annie to shut up and mind her own business. But you stayed still and Annie gave a little smirk as if she knew exactly what internal battle you were facing.
"You could always count on me to be honest with you."
"Yeah, no shit." you huffed. "Even when I absolutely did not want to hear it."
"Well, you're going to hear it now. Yeah, maybe Reiner did have a crush on her, all of these guys were drooling over Krista at one point. But, he was always in love with you."
Annie looked a bit uncomfortable saying it, her face turned away slightly as if talking about this at all was uncomfortable for her.
"What am I supposed to do with that information, Annie?" there was a helplessness in your voice and Annie scoffed.
"Don't expect me to mother you. I told you the truth, make up your mind on what to do with it." Annie pushed away from the wall and turned on her heel, the door to one of the inside rooms clanging shut behind her as she went. You stared at that door for a long time, an internal battle raging inside of your chest.
He was always in love with you.
You pushed your face into your hands, gasping in puffs of air. Every terrible thing Reiner had done flashed in your mind, from the first moment you'd seen the Armoured Titan – back in Shiganshina all those years ago. How you'd somehow survived and watched everyone you cared about die around you. But there was also this Reiner. The Reiner who was here now. The same Reiner Eren had said he'd forgiven. The Reiner who carried the weight of his sins every day. The Reiner you'd somehow fallen in love with. The one he'd only shown you the barest flashes of, but it had been enough. Tears wet your fingers. Because the decision had already been made. You knew what the future held for you. What would undoubtedly happen when the fighting begun. You had no illusions about it. The probability of you surviving this was slim. And if you somehow did – you would live with the consequences of your choices then.
Shoving away from the railing you pulled open the same door Annie had shut behind herself and froze. Reiner was sitting just inside that room. Alone. His head snapped up when the door opened and his eyes widened – as if he'd expected anyone but you. And you? You'd hoped for more time, even seconds more to prepare yourself.
You pulled the door shut behind you as if in a daze, leaning back against it. Reiner seemed unsure of what to say.
"Did you hear everything?" you asked.
"What?"
"What Jean said. Did you hear everything?"
Reiner seemed to understand then and his head dropped. "Yeah, I did."
"Oh." You'd known that he had – and yet, hearing him admit it…embarrassed you. "I hate you, you know." You whispered and Reiner ran a hand down his face wearily. "I know."
"But I wasn't lying."
He tensed, his hand dropping to his side but he didn't lift his head.
"I love you, Reiner." Three words you never imagined you would say to him, not since the moment he left for good. But here you both were, alone once again. But there was no joy in your confession. Not for either of you.
"Don't," Reiner whispered, broken. "I don't deserve that."
"Maybe not," you agreed, stepping away from the door, towards him and his eyes snapped up to you once more, almost afraid of what you would do. "But despite that, despite trying everything, I can't stop, Reiner." You reached a hand out, not even sure yourself what you would do, and Reiner stood in a rush, his eyes going from your hand to your eyes. "Tell me you don't love me," you whispered, a sob at the end of your breath. "Please, tell me to go."
Reiner's lips parted in a hard inhale and your lips trembled. "I can't,"
"Then lie," you begged, tears finally spilling from your eyes.
Reiner shook his head, staring down at you with wide eyes and you took the final step, erasing the space between you as you fisted his shirt in both hands. "Please?"
When he didn't respond, you finally broke – pulling him down towards you. Your lips colliding with his. Reiner made a sound – deep inside of his throat – half pained, half something else. His lips parted immediately as if he didn't want to waste a moment longer, as if every second with you had to count, as if these moments would disappear from him any second. His arms went around you, lifting your feet from the floor bringing your body closer to his, against his. And you let him. Your arms slipping around his shoulders, there was nothing sweet or chaste about the way you kissed him as you dangled in his arms. It was agonizing, fervent – uneven, filled with a desperation you could feel in him too.
"Is this okay?" you asked into his lips. "Is it okay for me to let go? Is it okay for me to love you? To do this?"
Reiner set you down on the ground with surprising gentleness. "I don't know," he confessed.
"I don't know either," and when you kissed him again, he let you. When your hands gripped his vest again, he didn't question you when you pulled it up and off of him. Feeling your hands on his skin drove him further, his hands gripping you tightly, kisses growing feverish. His breath came unsteadily as he reached for the buttons on your shirt with shaky hands and you reached up, silently guiding his fingers down each button, one by one. Until your shirt joined his, and then your pants. Until you were both bare and Reiner whispered over and over again that you were beautiful, that he loved you. Kissing away the tears on your cheeks, your body cradling his. You clung to him desperately as he filled the void inside of your heart once again, your bodies coming together to erase your fear, your pain – however temporarily, until your thoughts were consumed by him. By the way his hands felt on your skin, his lips on your neck, the way your body locked up and the sensation rolled through you each time he moved his lips. The way his body, much larger than yours, seemed to shield you from the world, creating a space where only you existed with him. And when it was over and you felt so small in his arms as you let him hold you there, as if he were afraid that you would run away and pretend this never happened. Perhaps that would be for the best. But seeing the way Reiner looked at you, the way his fingertips ghosted over your skin with such care. There was no way you could forget.
Your fingers slipped onto his cheek, "Is this okay?" you asked again.
Reiner's eyes closed and when he opened them again, there was a resolve there, nothing like the look he'd given you when you first entered the room. "Yes," he whispered your name, his lips curving up slightly into a ghost of a smile. "This is okay."