Author's Note: Some brief cutting scene and TV-14 attack. Please enjoy this extremely long installment of Ashes of the Swan.
Are you even reading these? I feel like these emails are slowly turning me into my mother, she sends emails like diary pages. Maybe I am not being fair to her, I just feel so out of it lately. Like I'm underwater swimming towards the light, but I am always an inch under the surface no matter how hard I try. I try to draw in air and I get nothing but the freezing poison of water. How long will this last Alice? Do you know, in the all the time you have roamed this Earth? Anyway, today I drove around the school a couple times before deciding to just not. The whispers and comments get to me. I hear people saying how well I "bounced" back that I must not have cared about any of you that much at all. How can people be so cruel Alice? I care about your family so much it kills me sometimes. There is a party at the beach today, it's too bad you aren't here, you are great at parties. Everyone at school is so excited, and somehow I got roped into helping. I don't know how much I can stand anymore. Charlie seems so happy though. Is any of this worth it in the end, Alice?
-Bella
OoOoOoOoOoOo
Bella paced in her room. Back and forth. Back and forth across the floor in front of her bed. She was going to do it. She wasn't. She was.
It went against her plan, she wanted to wait at least a couple months so no one would suspect or bother her. It was going so well too. Maybe she should stop planning at all. Maybe she wasn't faking the happiness, maybe she was actually happy. Bella flopped down in front of her computer, running her hands over the keys. Her leg bounced up and down as she wrote an email, an email that wouldn't be read, would disappear into cyberspace and never return. Would this one reach her? If she wrote the words, would Alice come running back to save her, would Edward? No. No, she wasn't going to send this one. Bella hands stilled against the keyboard, her foot landing flat against the floor. She would follow the plan, wouldn't she?
Tonight was a bad night; she woke up screaming again. The hole in her chest didn't seem metaphorical anymore, it seemed to be growing from the center of her heart and spreading. Bella's fingers clenched the fabric of her shirt. It's all in my head, isn't it? Her fingers shook as she pulled down the collar of her shirt to the pale skin of her chest. No hole. Bella sighed in relief, slouching against the chair, her trembling fingers brushing back the hair from her eyes. She couldn't stand still anymore. Real or not, the pain was tearing her up, the desperation and loneliness threating to gobble her up. Why do I feel this way? Why hasn't the pain gone away? Why has it gotten worse with time? I thought all wounds healed with time. Instead she just found herself wanting to break the plan more and more, to rush in and just finish it. Her plan of waiting years turned to a year to months turned to just two. She couldn't stand it anymore, every day she felt the hole get a little bigger. Some days it felt like it might become smaller, but the pace left her uncertain and wary. To be honest, she didn't know if the cause was just Edward anymore, there seemed to be something else eating at her now, a loss she didn't understand. Whatever it was, it was bad tonight, bad enough to send her over the edge.
Bella opened her dresser drawer, and saw the knife she placed there a week ago. It was a pocket knife that she saw in her father's car, just a little back up knife to pry open the glove compartment box when it was stubborn. Bella pushed the small lever and the knife swung open with a soft click. Bella held the knife up to the lamp, the light glinting off the blade. With a shuddering breath, Bella pressed the tip of the blade against her lift wrist. Would this help at all; would this take away any pain? Bella made a thin line in her skin, blood beading up from the just-there line. Bella let the blade drop and clatter on the desk. She couldn't do it. Drawing blood wouldn't take away the pain for her, all it did was remind her of Edward. Bella pressed her hand over the wound, keeping back a dry sob as she hugged the injured wrist close to her.
Bella looked around her desk, spotting the crumpled up piece of paper Emily had given her when she spotted her at a grocery store a week ago. Bella smoothed the paper out, looking at the hastily written numbers. Bella still didn't know why Emily was so insistent on getting to know her. But, Bella didn't want to be alone and she had no one else. Her trembling hands misdialed twice before getting the number right, and Bella waited anxiously as the phone rang, cursing herself for being so weak, and for bothering someone so late on a weekend.
The phone clicked however, and Emily's voice came through. "Hello, this is Emily."
"Emily," Bella's voice cracked, tears threatening to come through.
"Bella? Is that you? Is something wrong?" Emily sounded more awake now, making Bella feel even guiltier.
"I'm so sorry to call this late, but I have no one else." Bella mumbled. "I- well I need someone to be with right now."
"Be with you? Bella, what did you do? Is Charlie home?" Emily sounded alarmed now, and Bella rushed to reassure her.
"No, no Charlie isn't home. I didn't do anything really. I'm so sorry for calling you, this was a mistake. Please forget this." Bella backtracked.
"No, no, no. Do you need me to come to you, or can you drive to me?" Emily asked, the rustling on her end of the phone sounding like she was quickly getting dressed.
"I can drive, please don't get up." Bella pleaded.
"Alright Bella, I'm just going to make some coffee and wait for you alright? Do you know the way well enough?"
"Yes, I know the way. I am really sorry about this Emily."
"It is alright Bella; I'll see you soon."
Bella wrapped her wrist and made her way down to her truck. In no time at all she was sending quiet apologies to the neighbors for her roaring truck and was headed down on the way to La Push. Everything seemed so much more childish in the dark with the wind blowing through her rolled down windows, but deep down Bella was terrified. It just seemed like a deep fear was eating its way through her the closer she got to the reservation, and she couldn't explain why. It took too long to roll up to Emily's house, it was too many small steps to the front door, to many seconds until the door opened and Emily's face appeared.
"Bella! What on earth happened? You're as white as a ghost." Emily pulled her inside and shut the door, steering her into the living room where she sat on one of Emily's couches.
"I don't know what is happening to me Emily." Bella sobbed. "I feel like a hole is eating at me, it's been that way ever since he left but it keeps getting worse no matter what I do, what I try. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want it to stop."
Emily knelt down in front of her, taking her wrist and unwrapping it gently. "Oh Bella," she breathed, smoothing her hand over Bella's hair.
"I'm scared all the time, Emily. I can't think straight; it feels like something is wrong with me. I don't know what to do anymore," Bella whispered, "I thought that I could take away the pain by adding my own, but I couldn't do it. I can't tell Charlie because he is so happy now, but I have no one else to talk to. What am I going to do Emily?" Bella felt the tears pour down her face, and she looked at Emily for answers.
Emily simply scooped her up in a hug, rubbing her back like a child. "I'm going to take care of you, it is going to be alright, I promise."
Emily took her to the bathroom, and Bella felt an odd sense of Déjà vu as Emily turned on the shower and helped her in. Emily didn't leave, and only shook her head when Bella gave her a questioning look, Emily only sat on the floor looking away from her to give her some privacy. Bella finished up quickly, and soon a pair of fresh pajamas were given to her and her wrist was bandaged up.
They sat in the kitchen while Emily made a fresh batch of tea. Soon Bella was sipping a steaming cup of tea with honey, and Emily doing the same across from her. Bella's eyes drooped as Emily started to hum a sweet tune.
Emily paused, noticing Bella's drowsiness. "I think you should just sleep off these feeling for tonight, and we will talk about this in the morning, as long as you promise not to sneak out." Emily smiled into her tea, taking a sip.
Bella flushed, thinking about when she coerced Seth to taking her home. She nodded, taking a sip of her own.
Emily took both their finished cups and placed them in the sink, motioning for Bella to follow her. Bella followed as Emily passed the guest room into Emily's own room. Emily turned down the already mussed covers and motioned for Bella to slide in. Hesitant, Bella complied, and Emily threw the covers back over her. Emily walked around the king side bed to the other side, turning off the lights and climbing in herself.
Bella was surprised, but the fear was completely gone. The hole was still there, but the comfort surrounding her seemed to protect her, for now. She found herself drifting to sleep almost immediately. In the haze between sleep and awake, she heard snatches of Emily speaking into her phone, telling someone to keep the pack away for a few days, especially Leah.
"Leah can't deal with this right now, I can keep her alive until Leah is in a healthy place herself. If you come in sleep in the guest room, I can't leave her alone right now. Yes, yes that's right. Love you."
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
Bella scraped the bottom of her tray, slowly dragging plastic across plastic. She hated school lunches. The expectation, the layout, the actual food. It was enough to put her off entering the lunch room ever again. But, it wouldn't do with all the witnesses around to see her avoid the area like the plague. Somehow, Bella just knew it would make it back to Charlie. Bella propped her elbow on the table, dropping her chin into her hand. She could remember the first day at Forks High school. She was so nervous to fit it, a self-considered social outcast. Bella snorted. Even that day she wanted to skip lunch and the hierarchal resifting that always occurs when a new student shows up. In fact, she only really enjoyed lunches with Edward at her side, keeping at bay the rest of the students. Somehow, just knowing Edward lifted her up into that unobtainable category that all the Cullens were sorted into. Bella never really cared about her fellow peers, they were players that would disappear as soon as the board was put away, and Bella was placed in another game. Her mother was so whimsical that they moved extremely often, so no one had really touched her life significantly, until Edward, Alice and the Cullens.
Unfortunately, being considered the Cullen's castoff didn't seem to carry a negative connotation within the school. If anything, it only renewed the sense of her being this exotic thing, shrouded in the mystery of the Cullen's disappearance. After the night at Emily's house, and her subsequent jail break, Charlie had tried to get her to go back after she woke the first week screaming bloody murder. Emily at some point had talked to Charlie about what had really happened that night in the woods, about Edwards abandoning her there, and Charlie suggested that spending some time under her care as a "mother figure" would do Bella some good. Bella had adamantly refused, using moving in with her actual mother as leverage. Bella could see how much it was hurting Charlie, watching her self-destruct. Her plan of making Charlie happy seemed so easy the night at Emily's house. Somehow, it wasn't as easy to carry out when night fell and she was alone, and the nightmares haunted her. It was ironic that she ended up at Emily's weeks later, but at the time Emily seemed as much as an enemy as the nightmares.
When she found a book in Charlie's room, it felt as if a bucket of water had been dumped over her as she read the title, What's Really Wrong? A Parent's Guide. As she flipped through the book, her hands stalled on a page Charlie had dog eared. The words seemed to ring in her ears. Depression. Constant Nightmares. Suicide Prevention. Inside a page, a green sticky-note had an address scribbled onto it. Bella picked it out, had headed to her own room to look up the address. It was an address for a check-in therapy center in the city. At first she was incredibly angry, that her efforts were doing nothing. She had to figure out how to function without looking like a complete "at risk" teen. Then, she felt the familiar feeling of guilt she always felt when she realized Charlie was worried for her. Bella decided there that she would get it together for Charlie's sake, or at least the appearance of having it together.
"Hey Bella!" A tray clattered next to her own, and Bella jerked in surprise, launching herself out of her thoughts and into the present.
"Oh, hey Mike. What are you up to?" Bella smiled, letting her plastic fork drop into the tray. The trick to Mike was being cooperative enough to be flexible, but joke enough to keep him on his toes. Keeping Mike at bay was another thing she had to learn to do by herself now that the Cullen's were gone.
Mike snapped open a bottle of soda, leaning the bottle towards her as an offer before downing the bottle at the shake of her head. "You're not going to believe this, but James's older brother is driving in from New York from college.
Bella shook her head. "You're right, I don't believe it. Who would of thought?" She said sarcastically.
"Ah Bella, you hurt me with your distrust. I haven't finished my story. Anyways, James's older brother is driving, destination La Push Reservation to throw a huge welcome back party. You never met the guy, but he used to be the wild kid when he was in Forks. As you know, that position fell to me-"
"Of course." Bella replied with a straight face.
"and I say that to defend my title, we will have to throw an even bigger party that James's brother will walk into. Proving once and for all-" Mike raised his voice so the whole cafeteria could hear him, "that I, Mike Newton, is the King of Wild on this campus."
When protest rained down to the supposed king of wild, including one Eric Yorkie, Mike waved his hands, standing to climb on his seat.
"This Friday there is going to be a party on the La-Push reservation, right near the beach. Talk to me, Eric or James if you want the details. This is a bring-something party, and if we have to suffer through another party that everyone brought dip to again I swear to god I will abdicate the throne." Mike hopped down in the midst of cheers, apparently the idea of Mike "abdicating" was enough for everyone to consider bringing dip.
Mike settled next to her again, digging into his lunch. "Anyways Bella, I was going to ask-"
"Yea, yea no worries Mike I will go to James's brother's party. It sounds like fun. I think I will catch a ride with Angela. I have a paper I need to give back to her anyway." Bella smiled, gathering her tray and book bag. "You better hurry up and eat, the bell is about to ring. See you later Mike."
With that, she left him behind, throwing away her uneaten lunch.
OoOoOoOoOo
Leah didn't know how it was possible, how could more kids shift when the blood suckers were long gone?! Nevertheless, five more teens had bulked up and started looking like the reservation version of the Hulk. Which led to long pack meetings with the Elders pouring over every record they could get their hands on. Today they were discussing rounding up all the teens on the reservation in one area so that Sam could start tallying who might be at risk. Which Leah thought was an absolute idiotic plan, why not put all the reservation teens in one place? What could go wrong.
On top of all that, rumors that Sam had some big plan to money up the reservation was circulating. A plan, that Sam said he would discuss next week at a Wolfy-only meeting. Leah had a sneaking suspicion it involved pack member work, and she was so not gunning for that right now. She had too much on her plate as it was. She was bone tired from taking extra patrolling shifts, anything that would take her mind off of the imprint situation. She could say she was lucky that the imprint side of her saw patrolling as "protecting" and so the bond wasn't urging her to do more than that. That's what she told herself at least. Leah slumped against her chair, scrubbing her hands over her face. She almost wished that the pack didn't turn decent all of the sudden. It was like her revelation of the imprint to the pack changed their perception, a complete one-eighty. Who would have thought? That evening weeks ago changed everything it seemed. She remembered it so clearly.
Her emotions were running wild, but all she could focus on was her own thoughts. The pack had rushed her the moment she shifted, far too curious to be patient. Leah ignored the clamor of the pack around her. They huddled around her, fur brushing against fur, snout to snout. Her emotions raged around her like a hurricane, the feelings and worries of the past couple years pouring out of her. She was so worried about the pack's reaction to her imprint that the feelings she kept closed off tightly seeped out of her, rushing into the heads of her pack mates. Leah panicked and tried to closed the link off, to shut those things back inside of her, but something strange started to happen.
The pack mind went silent. Silent.
The pack froze then, the sound of even their breath drowned in the silence. The tension in the air seemed to crackle, their fur rose in response. The sky, already stormy, broke the silence with the single crack of lightning and the deafening pound of thunder.
Seth was there with her, standing shoulder to shoulder with her. This pack is broken, Leah realized. We are broken. They were broken the day Leah shifted. Their dynamics were off, she brought the wrong type of feeling to pack. They rest fed on it, used it in their dealings with their pack members, they became rivals to each other. It became about who could get what, be the most, be the best or the better of each other. When had that happened? If this was how it was meant to be, how did those before them, in a different time and pack stay together to fight their own sense of evil? The silence she so desperately desired since the day she shifted was cold now. She felt more alone then she ever had. This isn't what I wanted.
What did she want then? If not the complete silence of the pack. Normal, she wanted to be normal. But she could never have that, that dreamed died within her before she even shifted. It died the moment that Sam traded her in for her cousin. Or maybe it was even before that, maybe that dream died one summer day when she was a child, when Bella Swan asked her to play and she couldn't because Leah had to take care of her family, and take care of Seth. Maybe that dreamed died when her father died and her mother blamed her instead. Maybe that dream died when she imprinted on a girl that lived to love a leach.
"Tell them your life young pup. Living doesn't need to be so hard."
Leah stiffened, as did the rest of the pack. So they heard it too. "Who are you?" Leah thought furiously. She wouldn't put it past a leach having some sort of trick to play.
"You see it too; this pack is broken. It is easy enough to fix. Open your minds. One at a time. Tell your life story... A gift, I will help you. Here."
Leah felt the silence lift, and her mind was open. Completely, utterly open. Leah wasn't the type to panic easily, but she was ready to phase out. But Sam was there too of course, and he dealt a quick order to keep them all there. Leah growled in anger, unable to move a muscle to get herself out of whatever this was. Her mind felt like each layer was being pried back. Back to the beginning. Her memories played out like a movie to the pack, except every feeling was felt by them all, something overwhelming to Leah because it felt as if she was feeling double to those around her.
Her memories of growing up, the love she held for her father. The arguments with her mother. Growing up on the reservation, watching people come and go with little regard to her or her family. Trusting Emily with everything, being the closest cousins could be, planning their futures together, to get off the reservation and start their lives. Starting her relationship with Sam, the betrayal and their breakup. The devastation of being abandoned again. Changing into a werewolf and listening to Sam's thoughts of Emily, and finding out about the depth and reasons for their relationship that way. Realizing that they didn't trust her with the truth. The horror of causing her father's death by shifting in front of him, wanting to share this last piece of her life with the man who loved her for nineteen years and watching him die in front of her eyes, right in her arms. Stories that had never left her own mind, vaguely heard through Seth's, but experienced first-hand through her own. Grieving alone, abandoned by everyone but Seth, a boy grieving for the same. Avoiding the one person who would have understood her, Emily, because of her relationship with Sam, imprint or no imprint. Watching the people around her shift and hating every moment because of the privacy lost. Despairing over the truth that poured from her mind every time she shifted, and getting no support, only hatred and disdain from the male members of the pack. She was a bitch, constantly bitter and they didn't understand why. No one understood, not even her own brother could understand. The pain of living through everything every day, all day. She caused her father's death, a murderer in the flesh. And all people cared about was about how cool this werewolf thing was, not how it forever affected their future. Leah would give anything; she would give her own life to bring her father back. The man who was a buffer from their mother, who loved Seth and Leah equally, not only Seth. Losing any stability or job because of what she was, what Sam had ordered. Losing herself a little each day, contemplating leaving it all. Living only for her brother, a brother she stole a father from. She couldn't steal away his sister too. Then imprinting, on a woman Leah didn't know she could ever love. A woman who loved the very thing that caused her to shift. The very thing that ended up killing her father. The thing that created her in this world. The thing that killed the different version of what she could have been. A version of a woman she could no longer be.
The weight of her memoires pushed her down, sinking to the ground, her snout lying on the dirt as tears poured down her wolfish face. The pack around her, she could hear them now as her story came to an end. They howled their sorrow to the stormy sky, pouring their feeling, her feelings, towards the heavens. One by one, each pack member relived their own story, and joined her within the dirt and leaves, the crushed pine filling the air. Each told their story, and all listened before settling on a place below the forest floor, fur pressed to fur in silent support. Sam lowered last, and the pack lay huddled as the storm raged around them. The pack as a whole felt as if their minds were wrapped in the warmth of a summer evening, and Leah felt the feelings and stories of the pack as if they were her own. They were one now, they all understood who they were and what they were made of. They weren't weak anymore.
That day seemed to change everything. Once they pulled themselves off the ground and got their heads together, and got over the heated discussion of what had actually happened, things were still different. It was like each puzzle piece was sanded down to fit together without snagging. When phasing their minds didn't scrape together and jostle for position. They slid into place and settled instead.
And instead of focusing on what happened, the reservation of La Push instead stepped into hyper gear and spouted five more teens to turn into wolves any day now, sending the pack into disarray to prepare and track each of them. Leah sighed and stood up. Staying here wouldn't help her any, the Elders could find information with or without her, it wasn't exactly hard to get ahold of the pack anyway. Leah waved at the council and headed out, jogging out of town towards the beach.
She slowed to a walk and watched as the waves lapped against the shore. Her mind felt different now, more relaxed since whatever happened that day in the woods. Leah shoved her hands into her jeans and kicked off her shoes. After taking a few steps forward, the waves rushed forward to brush her feet. As always, her mind turned to Bella. It had been two months. Leah had tried to avoid her at all costs, but she couldn't fight the urge all the time. Being exhausted helped, but Leah still didn't know how to deal with it all. Maybe I should talk to someone. Leah squinted towards the horizon. Who was there really? A counselor wouldn't understand the extenuating circumstances, and she doubted she would feel comfortable with any of the Elders or the pack. Sure they all worked together now but that wasn't a magic cure. It would take a lot more for everyone to truly understand and be empathetic towards each other, especially when no one felt brave enough to bring the topic up. Feeling everything over again, made her feel raw. Leah was pretty sure everyone felt the same, because they looked as out of it as she felt.
Leah hoped that everyone would be able to focus tonight on the meeting, in any case.
"Hey Leah!" Leah turned to the forest, searching for the voice. Surprisingly, it was Paul, who was slotted to rest for the next 12 hours. What is he doing out here?
"What's up Paul?" Leah asked cautiously as he jogged down to her. It would be typical if the Elders found something the moment she walked out.
"Don't get defensive, wasn't that freak show supposed to make us all interconnected now? Do you sympathize with me now, Leah?" Paul sneered.
Leah turned back to the ocean and closed her eyes, a smirk gracing her lips. "Yes, actually. But acting like you aren't out of whack too is refreshing, I admit. Paul."
Paul just grunted, and sat on a washed up log. "Well, we can't go walking around in a daze forever. It just doesn't feel right."
Leah snorted, "Your telling me."
Leah could hear Paul rubbing the stubble on his face. "Look, maybe it's not my place. But have you talked to Bella yet?"
Leah stiffened, her eyes shot open to turn and look at Paul. He looked worried and awkward. "You already know I haven't."
"I know you don't want to talk about this, but I've been hearing things." Paul stared at her until Leah turned away.
Leah clenched her teeth. Every sense straining to hear any information about Bella, urging her to ask. She was fighting herself, was it even the imprint? She wanted to know.
"What have you heard?" The words forced themselves from clenched teeth.
"Bella is hot stuff at the High school, every boy is trying to get into her pants if the rumors are true." Paul grinned, watching her reaction.
Leah unclenched her hands, her nails had dug into her skin. "Did you just come here to fuck with me Paul? Cause you can go; I was having a nice day till you showed up."
Paul just laughed. "You wish I was, now that the leech is gone, it's an open market after all."
Leah growled. "She can do what she wants, I don't care."
"When did you become such a liar, if you were this good at poker we wouldn't need to rely on the reservation to feed us."
"Shut up Paul. If that's all you're here for then just leave." Leah bent down to dust off her feet and reached for her shoes. If Paul wouldn't leave she would.
"She calls Emily every day." Leah froze at those words.
"Apparently Sam is super stressed and worried; you know with all the kids about to shift. Caught some passing thought when I was on patrol with him the other day. I wonder why he hasn't been on patrol with you, I wonder?" Paul hauled himself to his feet.
Leah straightened, suspicion plastered all over her face. Not for Paul, but the words he was speaking. "What the hell, Paul. Spit it out. Is Sam hiding something from me?"
Paul shrugged. "You know, there is going to be a reservation party Friday by the cliffs. Should be fun."
"God damn it Paul I don't care about some party! Is Sam hiding something from me? Something… something about Bella?"
"Why don't you ask him? Or, better yet. Talk to the girl, bet if you were on good terms with her you'd know exactly what is going on." Paul smirked and started to walk off.
Leah threw her hands up in frustration. She could always fight Paul and force him to shift and read his thoughts, but that would mean ruining another pair of clothes and sneakers.
"Anyways, you should go to the party. The pack will be there, and Bella will be to." Handing out one last parting shot, Paul disappeared.
Leah growled, kicking the log Paul sat on, scattering splinters of the wood everywhere.
OoOoOoOo
Bella finished off the school day, avoiding Eric and Mike rather expertly. In no time at all she was flying down the road to Emily's house. Bella had promised to check in today. Ever since the night Emily took her in, Bella had spent a lot more time with Emily. It turned out that Emily was lonely, and Bella had all the time in the world outside homework. The scar on Emily's face didn't seem to slow her down, but it seemed the woman didn't know how to move forward confidently outside her home at times. When Bella told Charlie she was going out with friends or doing a school project, she really was heading to Emily's. It worked perfectly. It kept Emily from talking to Charlie because she was worried, and Charlie thought she was a normal teen who was completely over a bad breakup.
It also turned out that she and Emily had an awful lot in common. They both liked to cook, and Emily liked roaming and hiking in the forest, something that Bella was eager to learn. She had her own reasons for it, but Emily liked to talk to fill the space. She was easy to talk to, and Emily always had something she needed to do so Bella could tag along. Though there was an age difference, it wasn't that big, so they could relate to the same problems. Emily was still far too inquisitive about Edward for Bella, but she dealt with it on a day to day basis. If Bella felt odd about spending so much time on the reservation, it was easily swayed by the temptation of a task that took her mind off her troubles. And for some reason, being on the reservation made her feel a little bit better. Bella always noticed that she felt heavier as soon as she drove over the reservation line, maybe that was because she had nothing to look forward to but nightmares, but Bella thought it was odd all the same.
After she parked her car in Emily's driveway, she walked up the steps and knocked on the door. Depending on what Emily had going on any varying day, the wait time for the door could be up to five minutes. Today however, Bella had enough to occupy her time, as the whole porch was stacked with boxes. Not the moving type, but the bakery box-up-that cake type boxes. After peeking inside a few, Bella knew that today, for whatever reason, was an all-out bake day. Sure enough, the door opened and Emily stood in an flour-egg stained apron.
"Bella, nice to see you. How are you feeling today?" Bella wanted to roll her eyes. Every time it was the same question, like she could say she felt like she was dying inside. Perfect conversation starter.
Instead, Bella smiled. "Mike Newton tried to ask me out again. I swear he is getting craftier each day." During her sentence, Emily moved back to let her in. Bella shouldered her bag and headed to the kitchen.
"Oh really? Is he getting anywhere?" Emily's tone was off, and Bella frowned. Whenever the topic of boys or dating came up Emily acted weird around her. At first Bella thought it was because Emily didn't approve of her dating so soon after the fiasco with Edward, but lately she wasn't sure.
"No, Mike Newton isn't really my type," and Bella meant it. Mike Newton never appealed to her, or any of the other high school boys. Her type was more…
Dark flecks in impossibly brown eyes. Muscled biceps morphing into delicate but strong hands. Black hair falling perfectly onto smooth shoulders. Eyelashes as long as feather dusters. Tanned skin so sexy it should be a sin.
Bella shook her head vigorously. What the hell was that? She had been thinking of Edward, but now she was completely confused.
"Are you alright Bella?" Emily asked her with a knowing smile.
Bella shook her head. "Yes, sorry." Anyways. I don't have any homework tonight so I can help you with… whatever you're trying to do." Bella gestured to the destroyed kitchen.
"Well, as you may or may not know, a friend of the reservation is coming down for a party Friday and the pac- I mean the Sam and his group wants throw a party for him." Emily picked up an opened cookbook and dusted off the flour from it." I volunteered to cook the dessert portion, and since it will be an all-nighter party, and considering Sam's group will be there, the more food the merrier."
"Wait, do you mean the one down by the beach and cliffs? Because the whole school is going to be there. Apparently James's brother is really popular." Bella hopped up on a stool near the island.
Emily groaned. "Are you serious? How many people are going to be at this party?"
"Well, there are three hundred fifty-eight students, so I don't think they'll all show up." Bella mused.
Emily sighed, dropping the cookbook on the counter. "Then I guess you should tell Charlie that you'll be kidnapped for the next two days because I can't do this all by myself." Bella laughed, pulling off her bag and letting it drop to the floor.
In no time at all they were mixing up a storm, and Bella and Emily were in the middle of whipping up some eggs to a froth like consistency when there was a knock on the door.
"Hey Emily it's me! Let me in."
Bella felt a weird rush in her stomach. Bella knew that voice, it was Leah. Bella paused, looking up at Emily. Emily had a look of a deer caught in the headlights.
"Emily?" Bella asked as she wiped her hands on her apron.
That seemed to jolt her. "Sorry Bella I wasn't expecting company. Say, can you go and pick us up more… Emily searched her pockets, and pulled out a list. "Flour, red food dye and walnuts? I have some money on the island. Go out the back door if you could. I think we are so covered we'd track flour everywhere."
"Sure Emily." Bella said warily as she took the list and the money on the table, and awkwardly edged out the kitchen. "Are you sure?"
Emily smiled, "Yes I'm sure. We can get back to baking when you come back."
Bella walked out to her truck, wondering if Emily was only trying to get rid of her. Maybe Leah told Emily she didn't like her so Emily tried to keep them separate? Honestly, Bella wasn't surprised. She hadn't seen Leah since that night at Emily's house. It was probably for the best, Leah never seemed to like her. That's too bad. Bella opened her truck door and heaved herself inside. Wait, why is it too bad, she asked herself.
Bella reached to turn on the ignition, but realized that she didn't have the keys, they were still sitting on the island. She cursed, hopping back out of the truck. She approached the backdoor, but paused when she heard raised voices.
"Are you hiding something from me again Emily? Because I am tired of being lied to!"
"What exactly are you asking me Leah? Because I don't understand why you are so angry."
"You know exactly what I'm talking about! Paul told me what you're up to. And I want it to stop."
"Paul told you what Leah?"
"That your meddling with her! I don't want anyone in the pack getting involved."
"I see. So if you can't talk to her than no one else can? Is that what you're saying?"
"You know that's not what I mean. I don't want you or anyone else dragging her here, putting her purposely in my way!"
"And why shouldn't I? So you can mope around the reservation forever? Hurting yourself and that girl at the same time, because you can't 'handle' it?"
"I'm FINE! I don't need your help and you don't need to help her!" Leah screamed.
"Stop lying to yourself Leah! You don't think I haven't been through this? You don't think I spent weeks denying what I felt for Sam? Do you think that was fun? Every day was torture, and I didn't have to deal with a bad breakup beforehand or trust issues. What your feeling is the same thing I went through. So I know that you're not fine, Leah."
"I don't feel anything for her, I feel nothing but contempt." Leah growled. The words, even though Bella was sure it wasn't directed at her, made her stomach drop in distress.
"Oh really? Go say it to her face and be done then. But don't come into my house and tell me that I cannot help a girl who is struggling and wakes up every day dealing with a bad breakup and a connection to you, and is somehow still breathing." Bella could hear some shuffling, and in a quieter voice, Emily said "She is drowning Leah, and I can't keep her afloat for much longer. In whatever form you can possibly manage, you need to be there for her."
Silence stretched on from that. Bella realized that someone was going to leave the house, and see her. To avoid possible awkwardness, Bella decided to walk in and get the keys now, problems with Leah be damned. It seemed like Leah had enough problems as it was to start messing with her, so she felt reasonably safe. Bella called out to Emily, acting normally.
"Hey Emily, I forgot my car keys on the island. I thought they were in my jacket in the car but…" Bella stopped as Emily and Leah looked at her in complete surprise. "Hello," Bella said, reaching for her keys.
"Err, was everything you need on the list, Emily?" Bella didn't look at Leah, her eyes were on her keys, or on Emily.
"Ah, if you could get some more heavy cream actually Bella." Emily added, brushing back her hair distractedly.
"Sure." Bella hightailed it out of there, throwing herself in her truck and flying down the road. What in the world was that all about?
OoOoOoOoOo
Of course it being November in Forks, it was raining. Or more accurately, it was starting to snow. The day of the party, Bella drove to school but after circling it a couple times she decided to just head home. After cleaning up the house for a bit and sending a few emails, Bella headed over to Emily's house to help prepare for the party.
When she got there, most of Sam's group was there as well, with the exception of Leah and a few others. They were piling the ridiculous amount of sweets Emily made into cars or trucks. When she drove up, they cheered her arrival.
"Another victim to help carry these cakes to the slaughter," one joked. Bella smiled and headed inside to find Emily.
Predictably, Emily was in the middle of it all, pulling the last few sweets from the oven while directing Sam's group. "Bella! What are you doing here? Don't you have school?"
"Don't tell anyone but I skipped today, I figure you would need some help anyway." Bella laughed.
"Well, while I responsibly disapprove, I won't turn away help. Did you bring your truck?" Emily asked, taking off her oven mitts.
"Of course." Bella answered. Emily walked over to her and looped her arm with hers. "Well then, let's go direct the boys to do some work then."
The day passed quickly, the preparation of pavilions and tables, bonfires and stacks of wood to feed it. Bella helped a little with all of it, from fetching chairs to finding Emily's lost earring in the sand. Coolers lined the food tables, which were filled to the brim with covered food and utensils.
It was approaching the early signs of sunset when Emily and Bella found each other again, soaking in the sun's rays. It had stopped snowing, thankfully, but they were both bundled up in sweaters.
"So, who is this mystery guest that is important enough to throw a winter bonfire party for?" Bella asked.
Emily laughed, "I know it seems like a lot of work, but the tribe actually does this fairly often. It isn't as special occasion as you think. But the man's name is Taha, he is a very smart young man. He is one of the few who received a full scholarship to attend college. He is Sam's very close friend, and he hasn't seen him in over a year since he left. They have a lot to catch up on."
"And to think that my school only sees him as an avenue to drink liquor," Bella shook her head.
"Nothing wrong with that," Emily smirked. "I heard he was quite the hellion when he was younger. Ah look, our first partiers have arrived." Emily rose up to go and meet them, leaving Bella behind.
In no time at all the party was in full swing, with three bonfires blazing and warming the area. Food, drink, and liquor were overflowing everywhere, and apparently with no age bias. It seemed as if the whole school showed up, with a significant amount showing up with dip ironically. Bella shook her head, at least it would be easy to avoid Eric and Mike in this crowd. She really didn't know that many people there, with the La Push residents mingling with teens from her school, it just seemed like a massive crowd to her. She looked over to the food tables to see if she could catch sight of Emily, but she wasn't aggressively handing out food as she was earlier.
Bella sighed. It was chilly out, but the sky had cleared within the last few hours, opening up the dark sky glittered with millions of stars. In the background the sound of crashing waves and the crackling of the bonfire filled the night with the chatter of voices and good cheer. Despite the cheery atmosphere and company, Bella felt her mood take a downward spin.
How could she feel so alone on a beach stuffed to the brim with people? How could she feel the hole in her chest get a little bigger? Why was she not important enough for Edward to stay? Bella clutched the fabric in front of her heart, wishing that she could tear the feeling of despair and abandonment from her chest and throw it into the sea. Somehow her feet had taken her to the drink table, and Bella found herself snatching several bottles of hard lemonade and a bottle full of some clear liquor. If I can't get rid of this feeling, maybe I can drown it out.
She walked to the edge of the party, away from the crowd and conversation. She walked towards the cliffs jutting out over the water, until the bonfire was just a speck and she couldn't hear distinct words of the party, just the general sound of people. The stars provided enough light to walk along the beach, the twinkling light glinting off the waves. Bella stopped at a washed up log, and she sank to the ground to use it as a back rest. She was surprised when no one stopped her, she saw several of Sam's group see her and disappear. Maybe they figured she was bringing the liquor to someone or helping Emily out.
Either way, it worked in her favor. Bella lined the three bottles in the sand and picked the first one up. After twisting the cap, she raised the bottle to the sky.
"This bottle, Jerry's Hard Lemonade, is dedicated to Edward, the first man I ever loved. The first guy I ever lost. And the first guy who has ever left me. The first guy I wasn't good enough for. So, here's to you Edward, wherever you may be." Bella tried a sip and grimaced. "This tastes as bad as I feel," she muttered. She took a gulp, and another and soon it didn't taste so bad. Well, it did but she didn't care as much. In no time at all she finished the bottle and snapped the tab on the next drink.
"This drink," Bella paused to squint at the label, "Margarita Feva, could have sworn I got another lemonade but hey, this drink is dedicated to Alice Cullen. A woman I thought was my best friend and would have my back forever. Here is to you Alice, wherever you are, being a designer or a model. Whatever." Bella gave the drink a taste, and was surprised that it tasted better than the lemonade. She finished that can before placing it back in line.
"I know I haven't drunk before, but I'm a little disappointed because I thought I would be feeling better by now," Bella lectured to the cans. "You're my only hope now buddy," she said as she picked up the bottle of clear liquid.
"Figures you would have a cork," she muttered, working off the cork stop from the bottle before raising it up. "This bottle is dedicated to my life, what is left of it. Cheers." She took a whole gulp of the clear liquid, only to cough and sputter after. "You know what, this is strong enough to dedicate this to a lot more stuff."
"This sip is dedicated to my truck."
"This sip is dedicated to my father."
"This sip is dedicated to my high school."
"This very large gulp is dedicated to acting." This continued for the next thirty minutes. Bella was starting to feel a little woozy, and the feeling of weightlessness and giddiness hit her like a truck. "Now that is what I'm talking about," she slurred. The party, should I go back? She was (finally) too drunk to drive back so she would have to find Emily. I wonder how long this feeling will last. She felt great honestly, she couldn't feel her fingers or toes but the hole near her heart was nowhere to be found. She felt warm and actually happy. I should tell Emily. She will be so pleased.
Bella stumbled to her feet. The bonfire seemed really far away now, but Bella wasn't going to let that stop her. She stumbled back into the party a while later, smiling. Walking had been a challenge, but a few more sips seemed to do the trick. Bella tried to make it back to the food and drink table, but got lost in the crowd somewhere along the way. Someone had found a way to turn on music, so the noise level was extremely loud. People shifted all around her, creating a circle of overwhelming color. Bella called out Emily's name, hoping to find her in the crowd.
Someone grabbed her arm, pulled her away from whatever direction she was heading.
"Hey, are you looking for someone?" the stranger shouted over the music.
"Yes, she is taller than me, her name is Emily. She is from here. You know." Bella tried to formulate a response.
"Oh yea, I know who you mean. Come on, follow me." The stranger began pulling her through the crowd.
"Really? You don't look like you're from around here." Bella tried to say, but the music was just too loud.
The stranger pulled them away from the crowd, away from the bonfires. Bella could see the tables on the far right of the crowd. She tried to pull her arm away from the stranger, intending to go there to search for Emily, but the stranger kept a firm grip. "I see the tables; I need to go there."
"But that's not where you need to go. This is the way you need to go."
Bella's feeling of contentment was starting to fade. "Look, I'm going over there and you're going to let me go or I'm going to scream."
The man turned to face her. He was of average beauty and height, nothing that really jumped out at her as a "creep."
"You're… going to scream?" the man looked confused.
"Yes-ss." Bella stated uncertainty. They weren't that far from the party, even though the music was loud, someone would hear her.
"But…Why?" the man asked before lunging at her. His hands were immediately on her, one wrapped around her waist and the other gripping the back of her head. Bella opened her mouth to scream, but the man's mouth descended onto hers, muffling any sound. Bella wrenched her head and kicked and punched, getting just enough space to scream for help and stumble for the party. The man lunged for her again and suddenly Bella found herself flung to the ground. She groaned and rolled over to her back, unsure what to expect.
The man who attacked her was lying on the ground, his hands gripping his face. Above him, towering, was silhouette of a woman. Bella was shaking from adrenaline and fear. The woman gave the man a ferocious kick before calling out to someone in the crowd. In a moment, the woman was by her side, lifting her to her feet. Bella looked up and recognized the face of Leah, who at the moment looked terrifying.
"L-Leah. I don't know… Thank you." Bella stuttered.
"Are you drunk?" Leah asked bluntly.
Bella looked down at her shaking hands. "Yes, first time in fact."
"Are you… with that guy then? Do I need to go apologize?"
"No! I was looking for Emily; I was walking through the crowd. I don't even know him. He dragged me through, I tried to get away." Bella explained, tears welling up in her eyes. "He tried- he tried to." Bella felt rather than saw tears plop down from her face.
"Oh my god. He tried to, and I-" Bella sobbed.
"Alright, alright. It's okay. We got the guy. He can't hurt you now." Leah soothed, awkwardly rubbing her arm. "Come on, let's find Emily."
Leah led her away from the scene, finding Emily in no time at all. "I'm taking her home, where are her keys?"
Emily looked at Bella in shock. "What happened? Here, I have her keys."
Leah shook her head, "She's drunk and some asshole tried to drag her off and attack her. Seth has him for now, you need to find Sam and tell him what happened so he can deal with this"
Getting Emily's approval, Leah led her away from the crowd to where her truck was parked. Leah helped her in and seat belted her, somehow knowing that Bella was far from capable of doing it for herself at that point. Leah hopped into the driver's seat and the truck roared to life.
"Do you need my street?" Bella mumbled, wrapping her arms around her waist.
"No, I already know where you live. Just sit tight."
They rode in silence, with Bella trying her hardest to stay awake. Something about Leah just made her feel different, safe. Despite her best efforts to stay awake, exhaustion finally won out.
At some point, Bella felt the sensation of being carried. She opened her eyes just a tad, and saw her bedroom ceiling. Another moment she rolled over, holding a decidedly human figure. Bella felt warm and safe, so she knew it was alright. When she woke up in the middle of night however, any figure that had been there was gone. When morning arrived, she would contribute it to the alcohol.
Author's Notes:
This was a long chapter, so if there are any typos or issues they will be dealt with within the next week as I read it over and over. If anyone wonders why Emily would stay with Bella in the bathroom, that is because when you suspect someone is suicidal, you are never supposed to leave them alone. While Bella drinking might be a bit of a stretch, I think this is something she would eventually turn to get rid of those emotions for a while. What happened with the Pack is just the beginning. Given the way the pack acted in the books, (unhelpful and antagonistic towards each other) I needed them to have a reset button of sorts. This isn't a fanfic dealing with the prejudice of the pack, but a story of Leah and Bella getting over themselves to be together. This wasn't something random however to make the story fit, it goes with future chapters. Thank you for reading- TheQuillDragon.