Disclaimer: The chapter's title is a line taken from the song "Battle Scars", by Paradise Fears. The verses in this chapter are from the song "Bubbly", by Colbie Caillat.

chapter iv: moving along to the pulse of a heartbeat

Elsa never discussed with Anna the reason behind her outburst on the day they were supposed to start the singing lessons. Since her best friend didn't ask, however, the blonde girl figured that her grandparents would have told her at some point that the reading of her parents' will on the morning before had brought back to the surface all the grieving she had been trying to keep locked inside.

The reality of her parents' demise weighed heavily on her chest on the days that followed. While she wished to believe in something — God or whatever — to give her hope she would once again meet them, the girl found herself unable to understand why a higher power would have chosen to spare her. It didn't make sense.

Logically, Elsa knew that trying to make sense of it was pointless. This was one of the times when life wasn't supposed to be logical or fair. It was what it was. She would spend her days lying on her bed, most of the time refusing to speak with her grandparents, her doctors or even Anna.

It was Olaf who got Elsa out of her funk. Refusing to be discouraged by her silence and apparent apathy, he read her a list of songs she should try learning with Anna to sing for him. She didn't know if it was because he was an outsider or for his cheerful personality but, by the end of their time together, his antics amused the blonde.

From then on, Elsa finally managed to gather strength to speak to Anna about the singing lessons again. Luckily, her best friend was as excited — albeit reluctant — as she was; Elsa could nearly sense the relief in Anna's stance and voice when she brought up the idea.

Since no supplies were necessary and both of them were eager to start, Anna helped her into the posture and guided her through the first few notes — C to G. Her vision impairment created, as expected, a series of obstacles since Anna couldn't show her some positions of the tongue and facial expressions.

Instead, she had to direct her by voice or touch, which was in itself a handicap to Elsa, who had been trying to keep her feelings to herself. While she felt guilty about thinking such thing, Anna's proximity was a welcomed challenge since it gave her the opportunity to be close to her friend without raising suspicions. She had to be careful, though.

At night, drained both physically and emotionally after the struggle of Anna's closeness and the singing exercises they had started practising, Elsa slept well for the first time in several days.

~~/~~

The second lesson was borderline disastrous. It turned out that Elsa had been practising the exercise from the previous lesson in a wrong way and they had to take a step back and review her mistakes.

Since Elsa was usually patient when she was trying to learn something new, her frustration came as a surprise to both of the girls. In the end, the blonde's growing anger got in the way of her improvement and forced the duo to cut the lesson short. Anna told her to practice some more and promised she would research new methods in case she couldn't get the exercise right this time.

Incapable of understanding why she had been so frustrated before, Elsa couldn't sleep that night. She was usually at ease even when she was studying a subject she couldn't understand for a test at school — even when she had a close deadline. The music lessons were just something to keep her mind occupied while she was stuck on the hospital bed and Anna was far from a professional teacher, doing it perfectly right away shouldn't matter so much.

Olaf, however, explained it to her. It might have been that she felt deep down that the stakes were even higher because it was her first attempt to do something overall ordinary after her accident. It was true that there was no deadline involved, but her failures came closer to her heart.

When she told Olaf that this was just dumb, the therapist explained that emotions were often dumb like that but it was okay to feel like that as long as she knew them for what they were.

~~/~~

Although they had agreed to continue their lessons on the next week, Anna showed some reluctance about them on the week that followed. At least once a day, the girl asked her if she was sure she wanted to keep going. She had also tried to do some pep talk to ensure Elsa that it was okay to fail at first.

It should have been easy to convince Anna that she knew that but, even though Olaf had assured her it that having such stupid emotions was normal, discussing them with Anna would come too close to discussing her feelings toward her injury. Somehow — and Elsa was starting to think of that hesitancy was as dumb as her impatience to learn how to sing —, they were still something uncomfortable sharing with people.

Seeing that she wasn't willing to discuss the subject, then, it was difficult to convince Anna that the singing lessons weren't doing any harm. All she could manage to do is try improving her behaviour during her next fails.

So, before they started the next lesson, Anna announced that, if Elsa was able to perform the exercises correctly that day, they would start practising with an actual song. It wasn't part of their initial plans, so Elsa figured it was an attempt to encourage her. Well, she wouldn't be the one to complain, would she?

And perhaps Anna's methods of encouragement were good enough since Elsa ended up managing to perform even the chords she had had trouble on her own.

"Okay, we will practice part of Colbie Caillat's Bubbly. I know it's not exactly the kind of thing we had in mind at first, but keep in mind that our options are a little limited right now."

For the first time since the accident, Elsa felt the smile in Anna's voice somehow reflected her own. "It's okay. It will be fun anyway," the blonde could actually hear the happiness in her voice. The lessons were a good idea, after all, Elsa considered at the realisation that she was indeed excited. "I don't think I know this song, though."

"Oh... well, I don't think it's as famous as it used to be but you might recognize it once you listen to it," Anna was a bit disappointed at that, so Elsa nodded with enthusiasm in response. Anna's voice sounded more excited after that, "okay. I will sing a few verses to you and we will try breaking it into the chords, okay?"

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feeling like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place
It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
You make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

~~/~~

Elsa spent the next few days trying to mimic Colbie Caillat's vocals.

The girl was unsurprised when she was forced to go back to the basic exercises from the previous lessons several times since they served to show the right position of the tongue and expression on her face. Having been warned by Olaf, she was also expecting to break a few times after her failures — he had told her that as long as she understood that it was irrational, it was fine to cry over it.

Indeed, throughout the next weeks, Elsa realised she was not a born singer and was required much effort before doing the exercises or singing the songs correctly. Her frustration, however, became more sedated over time as she got used to her failures and rationality finally won over her emotions.

As the weeks passed by, Elsa grew more and more focused on her singing lessons and — albeit her feelings and her parents' death were still a taboo — open to discussing her current situation and possible treatments with the doctors.

Although Elsa didn't notice, Anna and her grandparents realised Elsa was slowly starting to heal.

Author's Note: I'm sorry it took a bit longer than the usual. It was a difficult chapter to write and I'm not quite happy with it, but well... Stay safe.