I like writing weird angsty sheeet. The first chapter can stand alone as a oneshot or you can join me on my indulgent angst train for chap 2. thank you for reading.
slightly smutty times ahead.
A year almost passes before he sets eyes on her again.
Kylo planned it this way because it has to be believable.
For however pure he perceives her to be, she is no fool.
Inside the low ceiled tavern they are concealed by long hooded robes that cast shadows across their faces.
She is wiser and less trusting of him - he has had to play this out slowly.
Deep down Kylo knows what he is doing is cruel.
He tries not to care.
The loud boisterous chatter that fills the room serves as a sharp contrast as Rey speaks.
"Tell me again - how it happened. How you killed Hux."
Kylo clenches his hands together. His voice is flat and toneless.
"I learned of his numerous insubordinations through lesser officers. He instigated a riot among the storm troopers with the intent of mutiny. It was a simple tactical decision."
"And…" Rey prompts.
The air between them is thick.
"The First Order was not...pleased. Only my Knights remain loyal."
Every word out of his mouth is a lie with the exception of Hux's demise and the loyalty of his Knights.
Rey's expression is hard and skeptical.
"I was hoping," the word is hard for him to get out, "that you can find it within yourself to help me."
To utter the word help is even more difficult.
Now is the moment he will find out if funneling his conflicted emotions towards Rey over the last year have been a waste. If she is too hardened by now, too burned by him.
In the end it goes against her core nature to ignore someone in pain.
A weakness.
Kylo's breath catches when her eyes soften and she bites her bottom lip.
Then she arches both eyebrows.
"You haven't changed at all have you?"
Kylo is jolted from his assumed victory and a ferocious expression darkens his features.
"I have changed. I've changed more than you know, Rey."
"Right."
"Drop the sarcasm and listen," his tone is low, almost urgent. "You need to know something."
"Oh?" Rey replies, tired sounding, "and what is that?"
"I'm sorry."
The two words came out strained as if the mere act of speaking them have taken a physical toll.
"For?"
"Everything."
Rey regards him carefully and pulls back her hood.
"Then come back to the resistance base with me. Tonight. I can borrow a ship."
Kylo lets out an irritated snort that he reserves for people who are especially dense.
"Not before we discuss the terms of my surrender. At your dwelling, where-ever that might be."
Rey stands suddenly and his hand closes on her wrist.
"You don't have to be afraid," Kylo's whisper is rushed, "I am not going to hurt you."
The pulse in her wrist slows to a normal pace. An unwanted knot forms in the pit of Kylo's stomach and he feels Rey's compassion towards him grow.
He is a monster.
The single tear that rolls down her face almost breaks him because he can't comprehend how...easy this is.
He chooses to ignore that this is easy because he is taking advantage of her kindness, of her feelings for him, of the insecure, vulnerable part of herself.
"You mean it?" Rey's voice is wobbly and she stares at Kylo with soft wet eyes and her eyebrows lift slightly.
"You have my word." Kylo stands and opens his mind completely. Not a shred of deception is detected.
Lifting her hood Rey motions for him to follow.
Silence surrounds them as twigs and leaves snap beneath their feet. The wet forest is the opposite of their last desert encounter.
Rey's home - he supposes that's what it passes for - is a door carved into a massive tree. Sturdy but uneven steps lead them to an oval shaped door. After lighting too many candles Kylo surveys the books covering the walls and a small pile of blankets on the floor that act as a bed. The circular room feels even smaller than it had been before with both of them inside. In such a tight space it is hard for Rey to be subtle with her movements.
She is nervous and full of doubt.
"Sit down," she points at the floor. They sit cross legged across from each other and she places her hand in his. "Show me. Show me everything that has happened with Hux, the First Order - all of it."
A strange twist of emotion crosses Kylo's usually-expressionless face before he delves into his rehearsed memory bank. At his touch Rey braces but he makes no further attempts to touch her the way he has in the past. He plays for her a year of angst, turmoil, war, battles, Hux, his disillusionment with the First Order, and his yearning for her.
That part does not need to be faked.
By the end she is crying freely, her expression honest and raw.
"Ben?"
He nods and tenses when she throws her arms around his neck.
He could. He could do it right now. Call in the Knights, The First Order, have her bound and gagged faster than she will register his betrayal.
Kylo isn't...ready for that yet.
He fails to control himself and his arms encircle Rey's small, fragile, trembling body. His heart rate increases as he grabs her face and crashes their lips together.
Kylo claims every inch of her mouth and it takes Rey a moment to respond with equal vigor. Neither of them pause: they devour each other and heavy breathing fills the room.
Kylo feels like an animal unleashed as he tears at her clothes, trying desperately to set her free. She's pulling his hair and moaning into his mouth and pressing her hips against his - and fuck, he just wants to fuck her. To feel her.
And she would let him.
His so-called redemption opens her to him unreservedly.
It is his turn to be shocked at what she says next.
"Ben," her voice is low and breathy, "I don't have the implant, don't - just don't come inside okay?"
Fuck.
Just, fuck, because she is talking about them and him coming inside of her and - fuck.
He continues to bare down on her, kissing her, messing up her hair.
What she asks of him is going to be...nearly impossible. He has never been with a woman this way and he is not innocent to the fact that his body might respond quicker than he wants.
Still.
"Okay," he mutters into her neck, "I won't."
Kylo is about to get everything he wants.
He is thinking Snoke was wrong - he can overcome his greatest weakness - when his hand falters as he strokes her cheek. Rey meets his eyes.
And he - he can't.
She registers that something has changed and she curls her clothes around her chest.
Supreme Leader, confirming pick up of the prisoner at the prior discussed location.
A message from his Knight shoots through the force.
Kylo takes in Rey: small and nearly naked, face wet, eager to trust him again.
"What's wrong?" her brows furrow.
Kylo swallows.
He wants to scream that she accepts and forgives too easily.
He knows he has to make a choice.