WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE . . . (We're talking a few f-bombs, but you have to give Jay some credit. He did try.)
Dick's question would have waited until after dinner. Jason figured the Golden Child would have preferred it that way, but Jason, being Jason, he just didn't have it in him to be cooperative.
"So, Dickweed." It was the closest thing to an insult that Jason felt he could get away with at the table; even then the look that Alfred leveled on him was enough to curl the man's toes inside of his boots. Never say that Jason was a coward, however. "What's this question you wanted to ask me?"
Dick scowled at him as Elle shot him a look of curiosity.
"What question," she asked.
"It's nothing, babe," Dick assured her. "Something that I planned to ask Jay after dinner . . . privately."
Jason, sensing an exposed underbelly, went in for the kill. "Why wait? We're all family here, right? I mean, that's what you told me. You didn't lie to me, now, did you?"
"No," Dick answered through gritted teeth.
Bruce nodded and agreed. Whether or not he was playing deliberately obtuse or honestly hadn't detected blood in the air, Jason didn't know, but he planned to take advantage of it. Family dinners tended to be boring without a bit of spirited conversation to liven things up.
"No, Dick's right, Jason. All of you are brothers now," Bruce murmured; regarding his more obstinate son with some misgiving.
Like he said before . . . Family dinners without a little happy antagonism tended to be tedious. Jason was more than willing to do his part in a gallant effort to prevent that unhappy outcome.
"Then why not just ask me now?" Jason prodded. "No one's birthday is coming up in the next few of weeks, so it's not like you will be giving anything away."
Tim glared at Jason suspiciously. He, at least, knew something was up, but Damian stared curiously at the two eldest sons. The youngest wasn't completely aware of the complexities of the family's history or understood all of the antipathy that still existed between some of them . . . Okay, rather, all of them.
He gave Elle credit, however, as her eyes moved back and forth between the two of them. She, too, was growing suspicious of what Jason was dragging into the light.
"Later," Dick growled; keeping his head down.
"I've got to leave as soon as dinner is over, so let's save time," Jason poked the bull a little harder.
"You know what, Jay? Forget it. I'll ask someone else," Dick snapped.
Jason leaned back with his wineglass. He didn't often get the good stuff, so if he had to be here then he might as well enjoy himself.
"Who are you going to ask?" He glanced at each person around the table.
"Since it won't be you, I don't feel compelled to share," Dick snarked; snatching up his own glass and taking a deep draw. Apparently, Leslie had been taken big brother off the pain meds recently.
"Oh, come on! What's the big secret," Jason smiled. "Of all the people in Gotham, this family is the best there is at keeping things quiet. Spill it, Dickwad! We're all agog!"
Damian snorted into his Ginger Ale. Jason ignored him. He still hadn't forgiven the little twerp for shooting him in the ass at Christmas with his marshmallow gun. It hadn't hurt, but it had been his ego that had been bruised if not exactly his bum.
Elle stared at Dick now. Her smile gone and in its place a look of consternation.
"Fine," Dick set his wine glass down hard enough to crack the stem. "I was going to ask you if you'd accompany Elle to Chicago on Monday."
Jason's smug smile faltered. His eyes flickered over to his future sister-in-law, but her expression had darkened with Dick's announcement. That hadn't been the question he had been anticipating.
"No, Dick," she snapped. "We talked about this already. I'm going to Chicago alone!"
Dick turned his head to look at her. "You agreed to at least consider my suggestion."
"I thought I had explained this to you," she said, her voice rising.
Oho, but this looked to be interesting. Trouble in paradise already?
Dick turned abruptly, his chair scraping the floor as he rose to his feet. "You said no to Bruce. I get that; I do! So no Bruce!"
Elle leapt to her feet, undaunted by Dick's intimidation tactics. "I cannot show up with a Wayne on my arm at this meeting! How can I expect the board to take me seriously?"
"You are marrying into the family," Dick pointed out. "Showing up with a Wayne on your arm isn't entirely out of place!"
"You don't understand," she accused, poking his chest.
"Then explain it again! What's your beef with Jason? He doesn't run his own multi-billion dollar company. He isn't in school. No one is going to accuse Jason with walking you step by step through a board meeting! They'll take one look at him and know exactly why he's there!" Dick wasn't exactly yelling, but it was getting close.
Elle glanced over at him, and Jason began to feel a little uncomfortable. He hadn't known the couple had a difference of opinion over the subject of her safety. Dickhead was right in this, though. Elle probably should have a bodyguard until this was wrapped up and the person behind it arrested. Wasn't this what had been behind their move to Gotham in the first place?
"I've been surrounded by bodyguards all of my life," Elle stated. "I'm sick of being treated like I'm made of glass and people tiptoeing around me because they think I'm going to break at the least provocation!"
"Dick's right, Elle," Bruce broke into the argument.
"Stay out of this, Bruce," the couple yelled at him simultaneously.
Amazingly enough, Bruce did just that. He raised an eyebrow at their combined glower, but leaned back in his chair; steepling his fingers as he watched the argument with renewed interest.
To Jason, it was like witnessing a particularly bloody car accident. You couldn't bring yourself to look away. He could feel the deathstare of the youngest member, Damian rightly blaming him for the fight, but ignored it in favor of watching the drama unfolding across the table from him.
"Way to go, Graceless," Tim congratulated him. "You couldn't have just waited?"
"You have to admit, it's entertaining watching Dickhead crash and burn like this," Jason countered.
Dick changed tactics. He stepped closer to Elle, but not angrily. His hands came up to cup her face. "I love you. If something happened to you; I would gladly follow you into the next world without a second glance. But, baby, I want a chance to have a life with you right here. For the first time in a very long time I want to see what tomorrow will bring. The future isn't bleak or scary anymore. I want to experience all of it . . . with you."
The defensiveness in Elle's stance melted away and she raised a hand to touch his face in return. "I want that, too."
"Oh God, I'm going to need a barf bag." Jason muttered under his breath and rolled his eyes.
"Someone wants to take you away from me," Dick insisted. "Sweetheart, I can't just stand by and let that happen. Jason, for all of his obnoxiousness and bullheadedness, would protect you during those time when I can't."
Jason blinked. "Hey!"
Tim elbowed him in the ribs, cutting off his protest.
"He's an asshole," Dick told her softly, "but he does know what he's doing out there."
Jason glared at Tim before he could elbow him again. He didn't protest the insult, however. He had been an ass in instigating what he had suspected was going to be an uncomfortable topic all for a chance at a little entertainment. He hadn't expected it to cause a conflict between Dickhead and his girlfriend, however. Still, it didn't look like the fight was going to come to blows. In fact, the way this was playing out, Jason would be willing to bet that the make-up sex for this little tiff would be epic.
And he would do it all again in a heartbeat for another chance to watch the couple snap B's head off. Instead of leaping to his feet with demands and proclamations, as Jason had expected, Bruce had simply settled back to watch in silence. He wanted to scratch his head at that. Things had certainly changed in this house since the advent of Dick newest flavor of the month.
That wasn't entirely fair. Dickface planned to marry this one. Jason reigned in a snort. Of course, the Golden Child had been prepared to marry two other of his girlfriends at one time or another, and neither of those had worked out. But for whatever reason, Dickhead had B's full support with this one.
And this one was eating Dick's bullshit up like it was candy.
Elle looked at Jason suspiciously again. "What exactly are you suggesting? He's not going to be following me into the boardroom itself, is he?"
"No," Dick assured her. "He'd accompany you on the trip and would wait outside for you to come out before escorting you home."
And for this Jason was grateful. He had no desire sitting through a board meeting, although big brother seemed to be getting a little ahead of himself here. Jason hadn't actually agreed to do shit yet. He was too busy to be following Dick's girlfriend around the state as she went to meetings and ran all of her little errands.
"Better yet, no one could protest his presence because, for all of his annoyance, he is family in the end; your future brother-in-law," Dick finished with a smirk.
"Didn't know how much you cared," Jason drawled.
Dick narrowed his eyes at the evening's instigator. "You did that on purpose."
Jason lifted one shoulder in a careless shrug. "You can thank me later."
Dick stiffened. "I can thank you right now if you care to step outside."
Jason snorted. "Where's that famous sense of humor gone?"
"When we're finished, I'll be the only one laughing," Dick growled at him.
Leaning back in his chair, Jason grinned at him. "Have you taken dancing lessons? That was some mighty impressive footwork right there. I think she's almost forgiven you your highhandedness. But you forgot something, Dickiebird . . . I never said I would do it."
"I never asked you," Dick said. "There are others that would do a better job than your irresponsible ass."
Jason narrowed his eyes as his chair thumped back down onto all four legs. "Then what was all that 'he knows what he's doing' bit you were spouting off back there?"
"You could do it if you took anything seriously, Jay, but as usual you've shown me your lack of respect for anything doing with family once too often. I can't trust Elle life with someone whose only enjoyment lies in watching fights erupt around him. I need her to be safe." Dick pointed a finger at his wayward brother.
"And I wouldn't do that? You don't know shit!" Jason snapped back; forgetting what few manners Alfred had once attempted to instill in him.
"I know you! You would just as soon use her as bait to bring the enemy out in the open so you could entertain yourself with a good fight," Dick accused, angrily. "Elle could end up hurt or dead in the process. I can't risk it! I can't risk losing her because of you!"
Well, now, that just hurt . . .
"Dick, stop," Elle tried to interrupt, but Ass Wonder just pushed her back.
Jason's temper flared, and he surged to his feet. His chair fell back, but he didn't hear it hit the floor. The Replacement had caught it; the little do-gooder. He saw the wide eyes of Elle and Damian, and caught Bruce getting to his feet in his peripheral vision. He ignored them all.
"I would not," Jason planted both fists on the table and leaned in. "With me protecting her, no one would be able to touch her!"
Dick scoffed, waving his hand in Jason's direction. "I need someone who'd be willing to take a bullet for her; not someone too busy hitting up the receptionist to notice impending danger."
"I'd give my life for her, and you know it, Dickwad," Jason yelled.
The silence was total. Jason even thought he could hear the sound of crickets chirping somewhere close.
Dick straightened from where he, too, had been leaning across the table; a satisfied smirk decorating his face.
"Very good. You got the job," he stated in perfect calm. "Be here by six-thirty Monday morning, and plan for the entire day. I can set you up with a map of Chicago and the route Elle's helicopter will be taking and the schematics of Hamilton Industry's headquarters and those of the surrounding buildings before you leave tonight."
Jason blinked. Had he . . .? That bastard had tricked . . .! And Jason had, like a fool, walked right into the middle of it. He considered his 'brother' a moment. Had that idiot planned all this from the start?
Movement caught his eye and Jason looked down to see that a cricket had landed in the middle of the dining room table. What? So, he hadn't been imagining the crickets chirping, after all.
"Well, shoot," Elle said. She poured the contents of her wineglass into Dick's and turned hers upside down over the insect. "Gotcha, you little bugger!"
No sooner than she had done this when another cricket leapt onto the table to land on Jason's plate. A third jumped onto the middle of the table between Tim and Damian's plates. He glanced over to where Alfred had been hovering near the kitchen door. The butler was being his regular unflappable self despite the deterioration of the dinner's conversation.
"Uh, Al, I don't want to necessarily alarm anyone, but I think that maybe you have an infestation or something going on here," Jason quipped lightly.
If nothing else, the appearance of the crickets were rapidly easing the tensions around the table. Dickhead snorted and Elle slapped his arm with a sort of amused annoyance. Damian climbed on his seat and was crawling across the table in an effort to capture the cricket closest to him.
"Don't say it," Elle warned Dick.
"I didn't say anything," Golden Boy grinned at her as he leaned comically away from her ire.
Jason reached down and as he plucked the insect off of his asparagus, something big, black, and hairy hopped onto the table by his silverware.
"What the hell?" He stumbled back in shock. "How the hell did a fucking tarantula get in here!"
"Language, Jason," Alfred reminded him.
While Bruce was rubbing his eyes with one hand, Jason noted he didn't exactly appear to be shocked by the appearance of the party-crashers.
"Language?! Are you f-friggin' kidding me? There's a G-g-goshdarned tarantula on the dining room table! Doesn't anyone else think that's just a little bit odd?" Jason's voice had risen and cracked a bit on the high note.
Okay, so he was freaking out a little. Regular spiders, he could handle, but this one was the size of his fucking hand!
Something moved in his peripheral vision and Jason snatched Tim's hand near his shoulder. "What the hell are you doing, Timbo?"
Tim shrugged his shoulders. "You had a cricket on your shoulder and there is one in your hand," he was saying. "I just thought you might want to know that Mook loves crickets."
Jason stared at him as if the teenager had grown two heads. "What's a mook?"
Suddenly the tarantula leapt off of the table and onto Jason's sweater.
"Gah! What the fuck?" he yelped and stepped back; forgetting that his chair was behind him. Jason stumbled and fell; landing on his back and taking the dining chair with him. "Get that thing off of me!"
Suddenly Elle was kneeling beside him. She held her hand out and the devilspawn climbed onto her hand and crawled with lightning speed up her arm. As if that wasn't creepy as shit, she smiled at him apologetically as Tim leaned over him from the other side with a grin.
"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it, but Mook – That's the tarantula - He can jump, too," Tim told him cheerily.
"I'm sorry," Elle was apologizing to the room profusely. "I had let him go so he could hunt some of the crickets, but in all the excitement I forgot to put him back in his terrarium."
"Am I right in thinking Mook seems a bit bigger than he was last time we saw him?" Bruce asked this way too calmly considering the pandemonium going on around him.
Elle was looking at the fucking Godzilla-sized spider on her shoulder critically. "Really? I suppose that maybe he's been eating too much lately. He usually only gets two or three crickets in a week." She turned to Dick. "What do you think, honey? Is he getting fat?"
Dick was eyeing the hairy beast now. "Maybe we should look into another method of ridding the manor of the crickets and keep Mook confined to his terrarium for a while. Wouldn't want him getting sick."
Elle pursed her lips. "You'd think that all the extra exercise he's been getting would help him keep his weight down."
Jason gaped.
Alfred interrupted this episode of the Twilight Zone to lean over Jason.
"Do you require assistance in regaining your feet, Master Jason," he asked in his normal, stoic, British demeanor.
His eyes must have been the size of saucers, but Jason shook his head. It took more than a couple of bugs and an arachnid from the depths of hell to get the better of him. Waving the butler away, Jason climbed to his feet; keeping Dick's crazy girlfriend in sight but out of range.
Bruce glanced in his direction. "Are you all right?"
"I think I'll head down to the cave," he replied. "I might have gotten a whiff of Scarecrow's latest toxin or something."
Tim smirked, sitting back down at the table in order to resume his meal. "Scarecrow's still locked up in Arkham. Nice try, though."
"Mook is Dick and Elle's pet tarantula," Damian explained. "Can I take him upstairs for you, Elle?"
She smiled sweetly as she bent and allowed the eleven year old assassin to scoop Mook from her shoulder. "Of course, sweetheart," she crooned to the demon-child.
Jason blinked hard. Damian didn't even balk at the endearment. He left the room at a trot; the spider crawling from the boy's shoulder onto his head as he went. He turned and stared at Dick in astonishment.
"What the f-," he darted a look at Alfred who met it with a raised eyebrow. ". . . f-fragnock," he ended lamely. "You couldn't choose something normal, like a dog? How the heck did you end up with a tarantula as a pet?"
Dick smiled as he held Elle chair for her, and then reseated himself. "He got loose in the apartment one day after Elle threw him on me while I was sleeping."
Jason looked at the woman with new eyes. "You threw a tarantula on him?"
Elle had the decency to blush. "It was a prank," she admitted defensively.
"Some prank," Jason murmured. He found himself impressed; giving her points for creativity. Perhaps there was more to this chick than he realized.
"Anyway, she sort of bonded with the thing during the time it took to catch him," Dick said. He shrugged carelessly. "Mook's been with us ever since."
Bruce chuckled. "I never heard that story."
Elle snatched up Dick's wineglass and took a drink. "Not worth repeating," she assured him.
Dick snorted with laughter. "Hardly."
"I suppose there is a story here behind the crickets, too," Jason asked as he picked up his chair and sat back down.
"Time to change the subject," Elle declared imperiously; a second hot blush staining her cheeks.
"How about this trip to Chicago that I'm about to go on," Jason suggested.
With only a day to plan, there was a lot he needed to know if he hoped to keep his promise. Although, in Gotham City, Dick was the only hit Jason had heard of, that didn't mean that there wasn't someone gunning for Elle elsewhere. He made a note to extend his inquiries into Chicago and Bludhaven as well for a clue as to who may have foolishly decided to take up a contract on a member of his family and family-to-be.
Jason wasn't nearly as familiar with Chicago as he was with Gotham and her ugly sister, Bludhaven. He thought it wouldn't be out of place to call in a few favors. Despite the rumors to the contrary, Jason did still have a friend or two out there willing to drop things on a dime if he asked.
REACTIONS?
Hm . . . This could have some potential.