Thank you for reading and for the comments Guest, ToughSpirit, and Lstorm.
this chapter was supposed to be longer but I am on the struggle bus. I do not have writer's block, but my toddler wakes up all night. I'm pretty sure I gave birth to a vampire :) good thing he's cute...
big thanks to Suzeraine for beta-ing.
This chap is Rey's POV.
trigger warnings for Kylo's usual sexist attitude/coercive/asshole behaviors.
Rey uses her fingers to comb through her wet hair.
She rejected the droids' attempt to groom her after the bacta cycle competed, though, she may have reacted a little too aggressively. Rey glances at the droid lying on the floor, its lights flashing intermittently while the occasional fading beep sounds.
Bacta is supposed to heal and repair damage, but her body feels limp with exhaustion and overwhelming disappointment.
She is damn tired of people putting their hands on her, and now she is supposed to muster the mental and physical fortitude to go to bed with Kylo Ren.
Kylo has the audacity to assume she wants to have sex with him after he held her by the throat and threatened her - and by proxy, threatened the baby.
He said those haunting words, that you can love someone and still want to kill them. She takes his threat seriously.
Kylo has lived those words: he loved his father, but that did not stop him from murdering Han.
In his darkest rage, what would stop him from ending her life?
For years Rey knew there was a chance that they might lose themselves in the heat of battle and kill each other. She hoped Kylo would at least have enough self control not to harm her while she was pregnant. She hoped he loved the baby enough not to place him in danger. That maybe, he would realize depriving her of oxygen was essentially the same as suffocating their child.
As usual, he let her down.
The excitement, wonder, and love she sensed coming from Kylo for the baby during the prenatal appointment is overshadowed by his need to control her. Rey feels a deep sadness that his rage is more powerful than his love for his son.
She didn't know he could continue to break her heart, and she feels like a fool.
She needs to stop expecting him to do one decent thing, even if that decent thing is keeping his child safe.
Rey lets out a depressed sigh and massages her temples in an attempt to comfort herself.
It is utterly useless.
All of the negative thoughts come flooding back, along with some tears. She just presses her eyes tighter together, trying not to imagine the life they might have had. She tries not to imagine the family they could have created together.
Family, belonging, love. The three things she wants the most. Three things, that now feel out of her reach.
Fresh anger at Kylo churns in her stomach.
Rey is furious, she is more furious than afraid, and she is having a hard time hiding it.
Her anger is fueled by the grief that still burns through her veins. This baby is a life-long reminder of what she and Kylo once had - even if it was only for one night. This baby is a reminder of what almost existed between them but never will.
Rey exhales and stares blankly at the ceiling.
She's been inside the medbay fresher for far longer than is necessary, and he will be standing outside waiting for her.
And she just...she just wants to walk out there and scream at him, she wants to force him to see reason.
But she won't.
It's an impossible task. Kylo is incapable of being reasonable, and she cannot put the baby in harm's way.
There is only one more full day of acting like she loves him, of behaving docile and subservient. Only one more day before the Resistance arrives and brings the First Order to its knees.
Before she brings Kylo Ren to his knees.
"Oh," Rey feels the baby move and a weak smile graces her face. She glances down at her abdomen, allowing her hands to brush across it lightly with affection.
These stupid hormones, she thinks. They amplify everything.
"Rey?"
Sure enough, she hears Kylo's voice through the door.
"Doctor Veduta is waiting for you," he says in that maddening flat tone of his. Rey pulls her tunic on without much thought, wrestling to get it over her belly, and opens the door.
Kylo is busy talking into his comlink, something about setting up interrogation rooms for his staff, and Rey tries to stalk past him.
Except she can't.
The doorway is narrow and her belly does not allow her to pass by him without some effort. She finds herself wedged between the wall and his chest, and she fumes at the unfairness of it.
It is a blatant reminder of her changing body and the new the limitations she finds herself adjusting to.
In some parallel life she might have soaked in the phases of pregnancy, but right now she only feels at a severe disadvantage.
Rey's frustration surges.
"Can you move?" She hisses, not bothering to hide the hostility in her voice. She glances up, glowering at him and -
Why is Kylo looking at her that way?
He looks as if he's trying to hold something back.
"Your shirt is on backwards. And," his mouth quirks, "It's inside out. Doctor Veduta said pregnancy might make you forgetful."
Kylo laughs. It might be the first time she's ever heard him laugh.
"Don't worry," he gathers himself, "It's cute."
Rey feels a hot flush creeping up her neck as she scoots by him, slowly.
"Don't talk to me, Kylo. Just. Don't. Talk." She holds up her hand to stop him from continuing.
She might not be yelling or screaming, but he can take a little of her anger, of her heat. He deserves it.
Kylo's boots hit the floor heavily as he follows her.
"I don't like your tone."
Rey turns sharply on her heel.
"Too bad," she enjoys the look of shock on his face, "Because I'm still mad at you for choking me."
"What?" There is no laughter in his voice now. "That is behind us, Rey. I thought we came to an understanding."
"Well I can't forget about it that easily. You could have hurt the baby," Rey snaps, watching him search for an excuse, a nasty retort, an argument, but he comes up with nothing.
Kylo is used to justifying his abuse of her, but when it comes to their baby?
His face is blank.
He averts his eyes to the floor.
The entire floor observes their exchange, unsure if they need to take a step back in anticipation of the Supreme Leader's temper.
Rey walks quickly to Doctor Veduta's office, her hand poised to knock when Kylo catches her wrist. One arm slides around her waist and he leans down to softly nuzzle against her cheek.
"I won't lay a hand on you again. Not like that. I'm sorry."
"You're only sorry that I'm still angry."
Rey squirms out of his arms as Doctor Veduta greets her with an impersonal smile. The smile vanishes when she picks up on the mood between the two Force users.
"I don't want you in here," Rey starts to close the door and Kylo jams his foot in the doorway to prevent it from closing.
"Rey," he growls, "You're acting irrational. Calm down."
Calm down? The comment inspires her to continue hurling her anger at him.
"I'm going to have Doctor Veduta remove this tracking device," she flashes her finger at him.
Oh, that's the wrong finger.
She holds up the correct one with the gold ring around it.
Kylo looks ready to explode. His neck is bright red under his collar, the Force bond hums with agitation.
Doctor Veduta places a hand on Rey's shoulder but her words are directed at Kylo.
"Supreme Leader, it is typical for pregnant women to have mood swings."
Kylo sucks in a shaky breath.
"Of course."
He steps back, giving her some space, "Rey. I know women have a hard time with their emotions, but you're behaving like a child."
Rey senses how much of a strain it is for him to hold back and present himself as understanding.
Understanding. Right.
"I'll allow your outburst, but only because you are young and inexperienced when it comes to relationships."
Rey gapes at the absurdity of that statement.
"She's still a little wild from growing up on a desert world, isn't she?" Doctor Veduta says.
"Yes," Kylo's gaze centers on Rey, his tone amused, "She is a little wild."
The concept seems to excite him. Rey senses how he intends to draw out her wild side.
She's heard enough.
Rey grips the door and slams it in his face.
She braces for him to retaliate, to break the door down, to put her in her place, but nothing happens.
Another moment passes. Nothing.
Maybe she can draw on some of this anger when she has to face him in the bedroom.
Doctor Veduta clears her throat and Rey remembers that Veduta gave her the poison to kill Kylo. She is an accomplice of Witt and she must know that Rey killed the general.
Rey probes the doctor's mind, needing to know if Veduta will avenge Witt's death. Instead she finds that Veduta is frightened of her.
A surprising revelation.
And unlike Witt, the doctor's mental fortitude is not strong. She can be manipulated.
Rey's brow creases as she considers that Veduta might have been coerced into Witt's plan. She might be a victim of her scheme, a pawn.
Keeping track of traitors, liars, and underhanded plots has not gotten any easier.
Rey does not want to waste time.
Sitting in the doctor's chair instead of the patient cot, Rey rests her hands on her belly.
"Kylo Ren does not know you gave me the poison. I've kept your name out of all this."
Veduta breaths an audible sigh of relief.
"In return, I think it is more than fair that you remove my tracker," Rey twists her hand, displaying the ring.
The other woman turns her nose up.
"The Supreme Leader would not approve."
Rey angles in closer, holding Veduta's gaze.
"You will remove this tracking device."
"I will remove the tracking device."
A vacant, absent expression takes over Veduta's features and she rolls over a small cart.
"Place your hand on the tray. You will feel a sharp prick and nothing more. Though," she adds as she puts on gloves, "you will have a scar."
Rey grinds her teeth.
"Fine. Just remove it."
Veduta operates meticulously, her touch precise and elegant.
A surgeon's touch.
When she finishes Rey studies the faint white line around her finger. It is not as bad as she thought, but then indulging in vanity has never been a priority for her.
She wonders how livid Kylo will be.
Odd, that she can't sense his rage through their bond.
Rey's eyes flicker from her hand and up to Veduta. Her tone is calm, soothing.
"Doctor Veduta, a time will come when I will ask for your help. You will help me, and you will tell no one."
"Yes," Veduta nods, "I will help you. I will tell no one."
Rey is satisfied.
When the Resistance arrives she will need a First Order accomplice, and she hopes her mind trick will last long enough to see her plan through.
"Would you still like me to monitor the baby?" Veduta asks.
Rey feels a series of sharp kicks, turns, and force, was that a somersault?
This child never rests.
"No. He's fine."
Veduta is puzzled. She cannot fathom how Rey uses the Force to connect with her baby, to know that he is healthy. Even with the First Order being commanded by a strong Force user, she is skeptical of its abilities.
If she only knew.
Rey excuses herself and prepares to face Kylo outside the examination room.
First, she rights her tunic. The last thing she needs to hear is Kylo Ren's laughter before he humiliates her in his private chambers.
Rey shakes her head. She can't have a meek, defeatist attitude when it comes to being in his bed. Not if she hopes to hang onto her sanity.
Rey is so close, so very close to eviscerating all of this. She can sacrifice a little more of her dignity, her self respect. It is for a cause greater than herself.
She tries to convince herself that it's true.
Rey has seen inside Kylo's mind when he kisses her. She has seen the things he wants to try with her in bed.
For all her self-talk about sacrifice, Rey can't bring herself to just let him have his way with her.
No, that cannot happen.
Her stomach twists with familiar nausea and dread. Is there no way out of this?
He has to believe that she wants him. He has to believe she enjoys him inside of her body.
Her skin prickles, adrenaline torrents through her veins as she fights the urge to flee. Maybe if she pretends he isn't Kylo Ren, she can survive this.
Rey closes her eyes.
In the deep pervasive silence of her mind she transports herself to her old Resistance dwelling in the forest.
She pictures Ben: his eyes kind and warm. His love for her rings true and she senses the internal promise he makes to himself that he will never hurt her. She remembers the way she curled into his chest after they made love.
She remembers feeling so sure that he was returning to the light.
The gravity of his lie is enough to shake Rey out of her meditative state.
She can't believe he ever pulled off feigning such light, such goodness.
Rey opens the door and Kylo stands tall, almost statuesque. There is no anger in his Force imprint, she does not detect any malicious intent.
Rey's heart leaps.
Still reeling from her memory of Ben Solo, she dares to hope he will understand the weight of his transgressions against her, against the baby. She dares to hope that he will admit he is beyond redemption, that she and the baby are only safe if they are out of his grasp.
Instead he looks down at her and says, "We are going to my bedroom."
Her heartbeat increases.
"I thought you had to get the First Order under control."
He grips her forearm.
"I've taken steps to secure it's stability. I need to get you under control first, Rey."
Rey's hopes are dashed. All of them.
She receives his message loud and clear. This is his reprisal for her defiance after the bacta treatment.
It is late in the day and he means to claim her all afternoon, evening, and Force help her, all night.
She feels naive for assuming it was going to happen only once.
"Rey," Kylo strokes her cheek, voice tender, "Don't be afraid, I love you. I'll be gentle."