Hi all, wow it's been over a month since I updated. My beta is currently reading the wedding chapter but I didn't want to leave you hanging. I intended to post this and the wedding together but it might be another week before that chapter is beta'd (which is not a complaint, I love my beta).
Thank you for the comments and thoughts. They are motivating. I've had the final chapter for this fic written since August and we're so close to finishing I can taste it.
Also - I was lucky enough to attend a film festival event last friday and saw Adam Driver in person. He is tall and his hair is amazing. And I thought he was really, really funny! Not grumpy or awkward at all. He was so nice to the younger kids in the crowd.
Alright, this is all Rey's POV and next chapter is all Kylo's POV.
Warm. Rey likes feeling warm. As much as she loathed the desert heat, warmth feels familiar. She presses deeper into the mattress, tempted to drift off into another cycle of sleep. In space time often loses its meaning, and Rey has not yet found a way to quickly adjust her internal body clock. Waking proves to be disorienting, but then events from the previous day come flooding back.
Leia, ceasefires, weddings, sabotage.
Rey's pulse quickens as the memories summon her to a fully awakened state. She realizes the source of the warmth must have come from Kylo's body heat, but he is not in bed. The chrono reveals that it is midday, and her eyes frantically scan the room. The fresher door is shut, and she hears running water.
Of course he would not leave her completely alone.
Then, she spots the binders resting on the nightstand next to his side of the bed.
His side of the bed.
She needs to stop thinking like that. They are not a real couple. He is her greatest enemy and rival. A rival, who happens to be the father of her child. It does not matter that Kylo dipped into the Light by channeling her pain into his body. It does not matter that she sensed his yearning for his mother's approval. He is determined to charge ahead with whatever warped plan he has for the three of them.
Kylo's inner conflict makes his choice to remain dark all the more painful. It demonstrates his true nature and who he wants to be. It is almost enough to put off Rey's appetite. Almost.
But then she smells food right before she spots the tray on the nightstand to her left, and her stomach rumbles in protest. She is starving.
Rey lifts the lid off the tray to find a stack of steaming round cakes topped with fruit. Eggs and slices of meat rest on a smaller plate and she tears into the meal with vigor. The cakes are sweet and grainy, the eggs hot and fluffy. Her chewing slows and she swallows, realizing what this means.
If the food is hot - it was recently delivered. Rey finds it more than a bit worrisome that she slept through Kylo waking before her and through the food being delivered.
But she doesn't feel drugged, and she doesn't feel ill. She is just that worn down. There is a kind of tired that needs a good night's sleep, and another that needs so much more - but that is a luxury she cannot afford.
Still. She had hoped her alertness would not be diminished by her mounting exhaustion. She needs to keep tabs on Kylo the same way he keeps tabs on her, and she can't accomplish that by sleeping through his movements. And when was the last time she exercised her body? When did she last feel its strength? As if she could physically take him on in her current state.
With a sigh, Rey continues to eat and indulges in a bit of self pity. Plenty of pregnant women continued their training sessions - to a point - on the Resistance base. They were not expected to enter combat, but they did not fear putting themselves through familiar exercises. They were strong, capable, and never doubted the strength of their bodies.
Rey wishes she had a similar attitude. The hesitancy she feels is foreign and strange. Ordinarily she feels an obligation to approach every situation with fearlessness, to give every fight her all. But how can she give a fight her all if it means putting the baby in harm's way? The sick irony of it all is not lost on her: she might pay for her hesitation with her life. Yet, her reasoning is not completely unfounded; this late in her pregnancy one violent blow could be all it takes to end her child's life.
During her previous confrontations with Kylo Ren she never feared his power or the ruthless way he barreled down on her with a lightsaber. Rey is more than his equal and he never fought to kill. No, his goal was to disarm and capture her, and her fears were rooted in what he might do to her in private. Rey sensed his lust for her increase over the years, and the possibilities of what he might do were too terrible to dwell on.
He ultimately did succeed in seducing her to sleep with him and continuing to coerce her into his bed. However, carnal pleasure was never a flippant part of his plan.
What Rey did not count on was Kylo's ultimate endgame: for her to conceive, knowing full well that she would fall in love with their child. A clever plan designed to give him the upper hand over her in a multitude of ways. She never would have guessed he had the patience to carry it out.
But now she is afraid of his unbridled rage. She is afraid the last thing she will see is the glow of yellow rimmed eyes before he drives a saber through her and their baby.
The thought is so dark, so upsetting, that tears spring to her eyes and run in droplets down her face. Tears come all too easily these days, and she wipes away at them in frustration. White-hot outrage follows and replaces her wallowing: she will do whatever it takes to protect her son.
Rey looks down at her tray to find both plates empty. She reaches for the glass on the nightstand and pauses, her hand hovering above it. The drawer below is slightly ajar and she spots the poison disguised as medicine through the crack. Her hand withdraws from the glass and she closes the drawer.
She has every right to worry that Kylo would secretly try to administer the poison thinking it was medicine. His protectiveness constantly crosses the line and blurs into absolute control. Instead, Rey crawls across the mattress to drink from a glass of water on his nightstand.
The sustenance kicks in, restoring a bit of her energy, and Rey's frame of mind begins to sharpen into focus. She meditates on the daunting tasks ahead of her.
Rey surveys the bedroom and tries to figure out how to contact the Resistance. Decking out the room in baby gear proved effective at distracting Kylo. The reality of fatherhood scares him, and exploiting Kylo's anxieties surrounding fatherhood does make her feel dirty, but Rey sees no other option.
Playing dirty. She almost laughs. Why should that of all things bother her when underhanded, dirty behavior is Kylo Ren's default setting?
Her gaze lands on his desk and her heart sinks. Kylo's private quarters are a far cry from the command center, but he does have access to some important security systems in the case of an emergency.
Rey untangles herself from the bedsheets and approaches his desk, ears perked for any sign of Kylo emerging from the fresher. She can still hear the shower, a good sign, and her eyes widen when she faces the screen.
The call with his mother has unhinged him more than she realized. What other reason could possibly explain the unsecured computer? Absent-mindedness is not a trait Kylo possesses. It is an unbelievable stroke of luck.
It feels too good to be true, and Rey wills herself to stop and think. Kylo is impulsive, but he has grown more cunning. This could be a trap, it could be one of his twisted trials that he set up to test if her loyalties lie with him.
Rey exhales in disgust. It is a risk she is going to have to take. Time is simply not on her side. She is a far cry from being a slicer and possesses half the talent Rose has, but she can do this. Rey thinks back to the protocol Rose took so that Kylo's live computer would not link up with the command center. Force, she wishes Rose were here.
She made it look easy.
"Were you able to get in?"
"Yes," Rose's tone is short, "But if I can't find a way to hide our presence from the command center we're screwed."
Rey stands frozen as Rose's fingers fly across Kylo's computer screen, holding her breath. At any second a bridge officer might make contact and request to know why Kylo is making nonsensical decisions from his massive datapad. Except it is not Kylo who is logged in, it is Rose who has bypassed his security system and is trying to find a way to sabotage the ship.
"Are you able to -"
"No," Rose says with more than a hint of disappointment. They both had high hopes, hopes that are rapidly diminishing.
"Kylo's security system does not connect to any other crafts in his fleet. Only the flagship. At least, not that I can tell. Rey," Rose looks up, "You have to make it look like we were busy, remember? I got this. Hopefully," Rose grits her teeth and turns back to the computer.
Rey swears and tosses another stuffed animal across the room. She had hoped they could find a way to break into the command's main security system. Her grand plans of breeching vital security defenses seem stupid now. What did she think she was going to do? Sneak onto the bridge in the dead of night and mind-trick the entire crew?
She can't even manage to slip out of Kylo Ren's bed in the dead of night.
"Ah," Rose hunches over the computer, her eyes aglow with excitement, "this could be good. Or bad, depending on what side you're on. I disabeled access to the main hyperspace routes. For all his new tech, this is not a nav-computer system. No way for them to calculate new vectors and safely enter hyperspace now."
Rey walks over and studies the screen.
"Won't the command center get a warning that it's been disabled?"
"Nope," Rose says proudly, "Not unless they manually check. I muted it."
"That's good," Rey says, "but how does this help us? Kylo won't run from the Resistance. He won't flee into hyperspace from his mother."
"I'm trying Rey," Rose replies, offering a half-hearted shrug, "It's hard to do any real damage when I can't completely silence the alarm system."
"I know. I'm sorry," Rey says, regretting her comment. She hesitates before asking her next question, afraid to hear the answer.
"Is there any way we can drain the shields? Or disable life support?"
"Mmmm," Rose narrows her eyes in concentration and digs deeper into the system, "Maybe. I need time though, if we want to cover our asses. Oh," Rose frowns, "Huh. That's odd. Why would Kylo want control over the escape pods from his quarters? Well, the larger pods, anyways."
Because he is a control freak, Rey thinks. Rose glances at her.
"Want me to try and render them useless? Scramble their ability to coordinate? Could stop the higher-ups from escaping."
The unspoken consequences of such an act hang in the air between them. How can they make a quick getaway if the pods are jammed? Rey isn't confident in this choice, and she has a new kind of appreciation for the tactical decisions Leia and Poe have to make all the time.
"I won't leave without you Rose," Rey declares firmly, "No matter what."
Rose twists her head and catches Rey's eye, her face serious.
"You have to take whatever chance you have to get the hell out of here Rey. If he finds out we brought the Resistance here…"
"He won't hurt the baby," Rey says, wanting to believe it, "I can still get us out of here if he figures it out. He won't come at me as hard as he normally would."
Rose stares at Rey, her expression skeptical and a little pitying.
"Won't he? I watched him put his hand around a pregnant woman's throat. Your throat, Rey. He left bruises. And then he ordered you to go to bed with him. Just run. As soon as shit starts, just run, okay?"
Rey knows that Rose is right. Kylo's assault after she drugged him shattered her confidence that he would put the safety of their son above all else. She casts her gaze on the ground, not wanting Rose to see the on-going anguish it causes her.
"I can do this," Rey mutters to herself, and presses her lips together in concentration. There is no room for sloppiness or error.
Contacting Leia through the comlink is a sure way to out herself, and she quickly discards that idea. Her only option is sending a coded message. Rey has a handful of codes memorized and the task itself is simple enough. It is not as if she hasn't sent messages to allies and spies before, but there are two glaring risks: the message will be archived automatically, even if she deletes the message history. The second risk is that the codes are constantly changing. There is no guarantee that her message will reach the Resistance.
It takes Rey six attempts before one of her messages does not bounce back. The message is short and to the point - she sends coordinates for the First Order, the number of ships, and that the date of the wedding has not changed. Rey swallows thickly, hoping that the last bit of her message will be heeded: do not reply.
They should be able to see that the message is coming from the Flagship, and Rey can practically see the triumphant smile on Poe's face when he realizes she is contacting them from Kylo Ren's private quarters.
Well. She hopes they don't linger too much on that thought.
Rey steps back and stares at the computer screen. Should she leave it unlocked? Lying on a shelf above the desk sits the datapad containing the video of her baby. Biting her bottom lip, she grabs it and uploads the file into Kylo's computer system. She sends it to the Resistance with the added message that it is meant specifically for Leia.
Will it be enough? Will Kylo accept her explanation if he finds evidence of her tampering? That in a moment of emotional nostalgia she sent Leia a recording of her unborn grandson?
It all hinges on Kylo's belief in her love. If he believes it to be as true and deep as he desires it to be, then she is safe. Maybe.
Rey returns the computer to its original state glances around the room. It is dead silent, and she realizes the shower has stopped.
Pretending to go back sleep will not work. She's licked her plate clean of its contents, it is more than enough evidence that she has been awake for a while. What if he saunters out and senses that something is off?
Rey plays with the hem of her shirt - the hem of his tunic - and comes to a seedy decision. The tunic falls to the floor as she strips, and Rey gathers her wits. Entering the fresher naked feels akin to politely asking an acklay creature not to eat her.
But she knows Kylo.
Though his lust motivates him to commit heinous offenses against her, it is also one of his greatest blindspots. She is one of his greatest blindspots. Rey blows out a nervous puff of air and slides the fresher door open.
She takes one step forward and immediately comes into direct contact with a wet hard chest. Startled by the contact, Rey jumps back, her foot shooting out from under her on the slick floor. She nearly falls but avoids it by calling on the Force to steady her.
Kylo's face changes from one of surprise to anger? Concern?
"Kriff, Rey," Kylo swears, his expression stricken. His hand shoots out to catch her arm in a solid grasp, and he pulls her towards him, "What are you doing?"
Rey snatches her arm back.
"Isn't it obvious? I've come to shower," she responds after a tense silence stretches between them. His stricken expression confuses her, and she waits as Kylo's gaze slowly drinks her in.
"Is that wise?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
She ignores the way he watches her as she scoots past him.
"How can I trust that you won't fall again? You tripped over nothing, Rey."
The source of his anger is confounding. Rey thought she would battle his advances, she assumed his vow not to bed her again would unravel just as all of his promises did. She did not expect such ire and protectiveness in response to her clumsiness.
"I did catch myself," Rey counters hotly, punching a series of buttons on the shower wall. She closes her eyes and relishes the spray of warm water cascading down her body. But Kylo's presence overshadows her ability to fully decompress, and she opens her eyes to see a glimmer of desire dance across his features as stares at her.
Maybe she shouldn't discount his lust just yet.
Kylo returns to the shower and stands behind her. She feels the soft pressure of his hands on her shoulders, his fingertips moving down to caress her arms. He presses his mouth to the nape of her neck, and she can feel the warmth flood through her from the spot where his breath hits her.
"Rey," he speaks quietly, breathing into her ear as his hands pass over her hips to her midsection, his right hand lowering, lowering -
"Easy," Rey's voice shakes slightly as she guides his wrist away from its destination, "you promised, remember? Not until after the baby is born."
"I know," resignation laces his tone. Kylo exhales heavily and tenderly strokes her swollen abdomen, spiraling outward from the center. Rey feels the baby move, swimming towards his touch and looks at Kylo from over her shoulder, eyes wide.
"He senses you."
"Of course he does. I'm his father."
Rey does not know how to elaborate her thoughts without offending or stirring up trouble. The baby has always been aware of his father's presence, but until now she had never sensed him make such direct contact with Kylo.
But why now? Despite her efforts to conceal her mind, Kylo picks up on her uncertainty.
"I've started reaching out to him, Rey. Through the Force. I was hesitant earlier because -"
Kylo pauses, and Rey knows he will never admit that he wavered out of fear. Fear that his own son hates him, despises him.
Funny, how Kylo constantly seems to fear his guilt.
"Why were you hesitant?" Rey turns and faces him, silently pushing him to be honest with her for once.
"It doesn't matter," he waves her question away, "what matters is that he's safe. That you're both kept safe. I am going to train him to wield his power in a way that surpasses both of us. You must know he possesses great Light and Dark inside of him, Rey."
"He's a baby," she counters hotly, "he's innocent."
A low rumble sounds in Kylo's throat. Laughter.
"It's not a bad thing. Everyone has the Dark inside of them. Don't deny it."
Kylo verbalizes one of her worst nightmares. Another powerful man descended from the Skywalker lineage fallen to the dark side, spreading pain and war across the galaxy. It doesn't stop there. Kylo continues talking and Rey's horror grows.
"Shortly after the wedding we will leave for our new home."
"And where would that be?" Rey isn't sure she wants to know. Kylo leans in to place a kiss on her forehead and brushes a strand of hair from her face.
"Rhelg. To a fortress that is being returned to its former glory as we speak."
"Rhelg? " Rey sputters, incensed, "You can't be serious. What good can possibly come from living on a broken Sith world?"
Kylo looks at her, yet beyond her, as if envisioning the future he has planned for them. Rey shakes her head.
"You loathe the Sith, Kylo. Remember Dathomir? I sensed something wrong on that planet. I know you did too. Things that should have been long dead lurking in the shadows. If the Resistance hadn't shown up -"
Kylo's stare turns cold.
"Rhelg is not Dathomir. The Sith are extinct. The power of Rhelg will bolster our son, Rey. It will awaken his -"
"Awaken his Dark side," Rey says, her voice dull and deflated, "You would have him consumed by rage and hate."
"No," Kylo cups her face in his hands, "I would have him balanced. With you as his mother he is bound to be balanced. He will reach his full potential within the Dark and the Light. Our son will surpass the strength of any Force user in the history of the galaxy."
A headache begins to throb behind Rey's temple. She reels from another bout of emotional whiplash, caused by him waxing on about balance before effortlessly slipping into his delusional drivel about Rhelg.
"Rey," Kylo angles his head downwards, trying to catch her line of sight, "I sense your anger with me."
"You never asked if I wanted to live on Rhelg. My desires are never taken into consideration, Kylo. You just act ."
Rey knows she shouldn't argue with him, but her stubborn streak demands that she call him out. Kylo draws back, a demented fervor glossing over his eyes.
"It is a wife's duty to obey her husband, Rey. You won't question my decisions."
"That," Rey says with a renewed spark to her tone, "is never going to happen. I will never stop challenging you. You have to know that, Kylo."
Is that a smirk she sees on his face?
"We'll see," is his only reply.
Kylo thumbs her cheek, drawing circles around it. He isn't just smirking at her, he is gazing at her as if he finds her outrage adorable. Amusing.
He turns off the shower and Rey shivers as her warm skin comes into contact with the cool air. Kylo wraps a towel around her shoulders, then secures one around his waist. Rey is all too aware that her outspokenness might arouse suspicion in him. She mentally reigns herself in as he takes a step towards her.
"I only want to be treated like your equal. Kylo, I love you," Rey speaks the sentence that is the most painful for her to say, "But even on a good day we are dysfunctional. How can this work?"
The hard lines soften around Kylo's eyes at her change in demeanor.
"I'll tell you how," he says softly, "We share a primal, unbreakable bond. To lose me would devastate you. However angry I make you, you know it to be true. We complete each other in every possible way, in every possible scenario. It is something beautiful to behold. Rey, I have been waiting a long time for the moment when you loved me as much as I love you," Kylo's arms circle around her hips, "We have a lifetime to figure out how to work together. Because when we do , it is spectacular."
Kylo's eyes are glazed with tears, and the mood between them turns too intimate for Rey's comfort. Before she can react Kylo's lips are on hers and their mouths come together, gently at first, then more demanding as he slides his arms behind her back and molds her body against his.
"Those sound an awful lot like wedding vows, Kylo," she whispers when they break apart.
"I would have said as much at our wedding."
" Would have?" Rey asks, not understanding, "Aren't vows an essential part of any wedding ceremony?"
"Yes. But our wedding will not be sentimental. It will not be like my parents."
"You've seen it?"
"The holos of it. When I was very young," Kylo says and releases his hold on her. He walks over to his closet and pulls out two tunics. He hands one to Rey and she absently takes it, perplexed by his vision for their wedding.
"Rey, the entire galaxy will witness the uniting of our power. They will understand that opposing us is a foolish endeavor. Our ceremony -"
"Our ceremony is a display of strength," Rey finishes.
"Exactly," Kylo says, clearly pleased, "but it is important that you know how much I love you. Both of you."
A hard knock calls Kylo's attention away from her, and Rey watches as he unlocks the doors to reveal three droids. They roll into the bedchamber, their robotic arms carrying swaths of white silk fabric.
"You will stay here for the remainder of the day," Kylo informs her, "The droids will take your measurements and construct your gown."
"You would have me wear white?" Rey asks, walking over to smooth her hands over the fabric. It feels like liquid between her fingers, and it may very well be the finest material she has ever touched.
"You deserve to wear white."
Rey scoffs. She doesn't want to think about the indications of that comment. Rey knows he places her on a twisted pedestal, one where only he is allowed to touch and use her as he pleases.
"You're going to leave me inside here all day? Alone?"
It might not be such a bad thing. If she has more time to snoop around the computer system -
"Yes," Kylo steps into his pants and yanks on his boots, "You will be safe. There are cameras in my quarters. I'll check on you periodically."
Rey feels herself pale and bile rises in her throat. Kylo continues to methodically dress as though nothing is wrong.
"And Rey," Kylo stands in the open doorway, "Keep your hair down for the wedding. I prefer it long. Don't touch her hair, understand?" he orders the droids. As if she's a doll. An object. Her life, her appearance, all of it is controlled by him.
Kylo leaves, and Rey stands frozen as measurements are taken for her wedding gown.