Chapter 9
The Truth Comes Out
I left behind every building I had grown to call home, speeding my way past every street I had once gallivanted my way through. I clutched the steering wheel tighter, letting out a gasp of air as I blinked back the blurriness seeping into my eyes. The ringtone vibrating on my phone was as incessant as my reckless driving. The tires of my Porsche Cayenne S bumped onto a rocky path and I found myself finally releasing a short breath in relief. With wavering determination, I accelerated my car up the rocky slope, rushing past the dense stretch of trees to a vast opening at the end.
My car screeched to a halt as I pulled the brakes. Eager to escape these narrowing walls of confinement, I broke free from the car door in a haste and made my way to the edge of the pebbled cliff. Resting my hands on my hips, I leaned forward on my knees, impatient to let the burden off my head. And so I drew out a long swish of breath, closing my eyes to the fresh breeze of air feathering my face. This is where I needed to be. Away from the world where I could embrace my vulnerability. My growing fears. My dwindling hope. My crumbling fears.
I slumped onto the ground, letting my feet dangle off the cliff as I sniffled back tears that had started pooling in my eyes. I drew in a shuddered breath, pulling my hair into a tight bun. I couldn't cry. I wouldn't. I wouldn't fall weak again. It'd be too hard to cope with myself if I did. All wasn't lost yet. I could take the next step; belittle Matt's presence in my life to nothing but a small chapter in my life.
I immediately scoffed at the thought. As if that was possible.
How could I limit Matt's significance when my current predicament was because of him? I lowered my eyes to the slight bulge peeking out my loose shirt and sighed. It wasn't like I had never imagined a pregnant version of myself. I had, quite a few times over the past three years; each time involving a certain blue-eyed, raven haired man. Each time my heart had leapt into my hand at the dream, each time my throat had dryly released a few gasps as I had silently mourned the future that was no longer mine.
At times like these, I had found myself flinching in Matt's arms as he lulled me to sleep. Matt had been completely oblivious to my dreams, presuming them to be my usual nightmares. He wasn't wrong, in fact a true friend in such instances. Just like he was when I first met him. I had instantly befriended the sweet and kind Matt Donovan on the first day of college, our friendship being the one certain thing in the swamp of unsure possibilities I was drowning in. He was the spoilt son of a rich businessman no less, and yet his humility had intrigued me. He partied; with all kinds of things and all sorts of people, but he had his priorities set too. He had his aspirations he was so passionate about. Matt never wanted to follow his father's footsteps, instead make a separate name for himself as a writer.
His sorted life became a savior to my messy one.
Sometime towards the end of second year, I had found out about his growing crush for me from my friends. It wasn't until then that I noticed the lingering heated stares that I would usually ignore, the awkward clutches of hand, how he persistently kept an arm wrapped around my waist at all times. It made me uncomfortable, but my fears of losing a friend in the world of strangers stopped me from confronting him. He never expressed his feelings. I never asked.
College wasn't the only place where we were well acquainted, and so introducing Matt to Damon became inevitable. Damon had been cool with Matt and his importance in my life until noticing his possessiveness towards me. I would always brush it off as Matt being protective of me as a friend and would tease Damon for being jealous, but there were instances where a few of Matt's troubled actions didn't go unnoticed by my conscience.
It was strange. He was strangely protective of me and my choices; often dictating them. But he was one of my closest friends. Of course he'd never mean any harm.
Matt had maintained a safe distance from Damon after a particular heated argument, only staying in touch with me at the sidelines. But when Damon and I broke up, he swooped in, being the best friend I could ever ask for. He listened to my sorrows with an understanding silence, consoled me with soft brushes of his fingertips, and encouraged me with praises. Before long, I had found him leaning into me at the end of one of our movie nights, pecking my lips with a soft kiss. It was then that he confessed his feelings for me. I grew appalled at first, not knowing how to react. I had always viewed Matt as a good friend, had never thought of him as anything more. But in that moment, when I was utterly devastated, still unknowingly emotionally invested in a blue eyed Salvatore, I gave in. I thought I somehow owed Matt for being there with me for all those years of my life. He helped me overcome those insignificant college troubles. He was the one who encouraged me to follow my mind in getting rid of a baby I wasn't ready to become a mother to.
I hadn't told Damon. Because no matter how much Matt had persuaded me, it was my decision in the end.
I chose my insecurities over my love.
Love. It was an emotion I had slowly grown distant to. My relationship with Matt seemed robotic, void of emotion. The Matt who was my friend had been subdued by Matt, the party freak. I never fit in his social circles; nor was I particularly interested in his ways of partying. Alcohol was acceptable among friends, but not drugs. Never drugs.
Understandably so, I drifted away from his life and his conversations, despite being in a relationship. It was the nights that he consumed, when I felt the love I desperately yearned for. He would drive into me with abandon; his grunts overpowering my moans as I would surrender to him. Sometimes I'd find pleasure from his roughness. Other times I'd crave the intimacy he never quite preferred. But all was good. I had a boyfriend who although a little too possessive, only cared for me.
How foolish was I to have never understood him.
How was it that I developed a connection so deep with one within months and failed to understand the other even in years?
A lone tear escaped my eye as I caressed my lower abdomen. I looked ahead, watching the resilient Falls in one corner and a foliage of greenery on the other end. This was a place I never had to justify myself to anyone. Where I could be an absolute stranger. My legs dangled, the soft breeze tickling the tips of my toes as I debated. Perhaps falling off this cliff wasn't too bad of an idea after all. A slow, yet painless death. My heart was dying already. Considering the surge of pain, my mind was probably in a semi-traumatic state too. What did I have to live for?
"Elena?" I instantly stiffened at his low, baritone voice and my eyes widened in acknowledgement.
I slowly turned over my shoulder to see a man decked in black; from his leather jacket to his boots. He turned off the ignition to his bike and lifted his helmet, revealing the silky strands of his jet black hair. The cerulean blue of his eyes bore into mine as I gulped. Damon.
"How'd you know I was here?"
He strode towards me, occupying the spot next to me with a sigh. My eyes followed his every movement as he revealed, "Your phone was unreachable. I figured you'd be here."
Of course he did. Why did he have to remember every little detail?
He laced his fingers together as his legs dangled next to mine.
Before I could think of ways to fill the silence between us, he began, "I'm sorry for last night. It was uncalled for. And very irresponsible of me too."
I looked up to his prominent blue eyes before shrugging, "It's okay. I understand."
His gaze lingered on mine, probably wondering how many of his secrets I now knew.
"You should penalize me for my reckless behavior." When I met his eye, he elaborated, "As per the contract."
I shook my head and my shoulders slouched, my hands interweaving with each other on my lap, "That won't be needed. It's okay."
"You shouldn't forgive so easily." He spoke in disagreement.
"Why?"
"Because it makes people take you for granted. And you deserve to be pleased with effort."
This was the reason I could never move on. This was the reason my heart still fluttered at everything he said. My eyes glistened while my heart gave way to a burning fire. From anger or from the affection he was showering me with, I was yet to decide.
It was then that I remembered. The playful challenge we had took on ourselves yesterday.
I cleared my throat, "A great attempt at charming yourself in, Salvatore. But I'm not falling for that." I mirthlessly chuckled before standing up.
I had only turned to walk towards my car when a hand clasped around my wrist, bringing me to a halt.
"Elena, where were you this morning?"
I felt him stand up behind me as my heart raced. Because no way was I able to come up with a convincing excuse with his breath unintentionally tickling the nape of my neck. For a second I scolded myself for tying my hair so high up in a bun.
"I-I had to go to work." I lied, praying that he'd accept my reasoning.
"This early in the morning? On a Sunday?"
"Something urgent came up."
He walked over to face me, curiosity piqued in his tone, "Elena, where were you?"
His orbs held just genuine concern, it became overwhelming. Perhaps the truth was the only way to go. While the thought beckoned out to me, his probable reaction left me shivering. Telling Damon about Matt was always a bad idea.
"Why do you care?" I feigned annoyance, taking a step back.
"'Cause I'm your babymate." He shrugged with a lopsided smirk.
I rolled my eyes, "I'm perfectly fine, and so is my baby."
"Yeah, I'm not too sure about that first part there." He raised a brow skeptically.
I pushed my hands to my hips in a pugnacious challenge, "Why so?"
"I don't think you've been sleeping well enough."
"Oh God, Damon not this again."
"So it's true."
"No it isn't. I've been sleeping just fine."
"6 hours is not fine, Elena."
"It's not a regular thing, Damon. Just a one-time incident."
"Who are you kidding?!"
"I'm serious, it only happened today."
"And why?"
"Because I had to drive up to Richmond."
"For what?"
"To meet Matt." I clamped my mouth shut the instant I uttered his name. Damon had effectively maneuvered our conversation to his favor. Only he wasn't grinning anymore. All signs of light-hearted banter left his voice, being replaced by a low thunder.
"Donovan?" He icily asked, the blue of his eyes darkening with fury.
I could only nod, my orbs unwavering from his as he hysterically scoffed, "You're still in touch with that brat!"
"Damon, I-"
"No, this isn't about me being jealous or overreacting too much." He stole my usual excuse with hurtful desperation. "This is about you choosing the kind of people you want to be around with. He's not the right guy, never was. Always dominating and possessive, the guy lurked over you, Elena!"
Every word of his was a nail to the head. Every accusation, although a little exaggerated, held the truth nonetheless. My lips pursed into a desolate frown as I thought of ways to reveal Matt's actual connection to me. For a person who grew enraged by just hearing his name, how was I supposed to tell him-
"I know you're friends with him and you think he means no harm, but trust me on this. That brat doesn't deserve your friendship."
"Damon, listen to me for one second." I raised my hand in defense, putting a temporary stop to his hateful rant. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes, bracing myself to finally face and admit to the reality that was in front of me. Damon might hate me after this, but it didn't compare to the guilt of hiding this from him. I couldn't lie to him, I couldn't betray him again.
With a wavered voice I finally revealed, "Matt wasn't just my friend, Damon. Matt is the father of my baby."
Silence.
I could hear the rampant howls of wind, the faint chirps of birds, even the distant horns of cars. But nothing from the man I wanted to hear. His jaw slacked, his face hardened and his eyes dulled to a timid grey. He faltered in his step, the lines on his porcelain face cracking from my betrayal. I tore my eyes from him, unable to connect the uncanny resemblance to the night I told him about my abortion. I hated doing this to him, hated hurting him despite my heart's will. But for some unknown reason, my actions always severed our bond. Tears threatened to pool at my pathetic state.
The man my mind told me was the right one left me. And the man my heart still yearned for was too far away to be the right one.
I hung my head, observing the asymmetrical formation of rocks creating such an absurdly beautiful creation in front of my eyes. I waited with bated breaths for him to break the silence. Because after the ton of bricks I dropped between us, I no longer had the courage to say anything more.
"You and Matt?" He accused with a pained expression I couldn't bear to handle.
"It just happened." I helplessly stated.
"How could you get with him after knowing how toxic he was for you?!" He lashed out, drawing my eyes to meet his glittered ones.
I weakly defended, "That's not true."
"Stop lying to yourself at least, Elena. He was obsessed with you. Not to forget overly possessive. Capable of giving you nothing else but pain. He's not the right guy for you!"
"Well I thought you were the right guy for me? What happened? You gave me tears no less, Damon!"
"You really think you and Matt have what we once had?" His jaw hardened as he walked up to me.
I couldn't take in his intense stare, and so I looked away, "Matt was there for me when I was all alone."
He flinched uncontrollably and I winced. I didn't mean to dig a jibe at him, but it was the truth. I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with Matt had he not have poured all his kindness for me.
"So what is this, payback?" I grimaced at his taunt.
I reverted to the side of myself I had full faith in, "That shouldn't concern you, as my babymate." I threw back at him.
With a hysterical scoff, he dangerously whispered, "Shouldn't it concern Matt though, as the father of this baby?"
"That's between me and Matt." I crossed my arms in front of my chest austerely, trying to hide every prying emotion. But he mistook it for something entirely different.
"This is why you're keeping the baby this time? Because it's his?!" He spit out in disgust.
I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach as I whispered in disbelief, "What?"
"His baby is risking your life and yet you want to keep it. You truly love Matt, don't you? Because we both know how easy it is for you to murder an unborn child." He sneered, dropping me to the verge of tears.
"So you'd be happy if I aborted this one too? Would that give you some kind of satisfaction, Damon?"
"But you won't. Because you love him. You're ready to go to any lengths to keep a part of him, even if it costs you your life." His eyes glittered venomously.
"What is this, some kind of sick game of tit for tat?! Is this how you want to get your revenge?" I exclaimed.
Grabbing him by his shoulder, I erupted, "I was 21, four weeks pregnant and scared, dammit! I didn't know what to do! How can you expect me to abort this baby when you never accepted it back then? It would still be the same, Damon. It would still be abortion."
"You chose to abort our baby and yet kept his. That's a new low, even for you." Damon chided bitterly.
It's when I retorted, "I never questioned you on your choices, you don't get to question mine either, Damon."
"Well, I haven't made any questionable decisions yet, Elena."
I scoffed at his tall claim. Eager to burst his bubble, I attacked, "Really? Getting engaged to another woman five months after our break-up; a very wise decision indeed, Damon. Either you hadn't thought it through or it was just too easy for you to get over me!"
"I was making a commitment. Not getting involved in a toxic relationship!" He shouted back.
"Doesn't mean you don't regret it!" I lashed back, instantly regretting my words.
This is why I didn't like being reckless. It made me too vulnerable, it put my feelings out in the open.
I didn't dislike Katherine. But that didn't mean I thought too highly of their decision to get married. It never seemed right. Maybe it never would, to me. Just thinking of them together, so happy in their own world made my heart clench and my throat constrict. I suddenly felt light-headed as I tried to keep my balance.
His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat and he spoke with a strain in his voice, "I don't regret it. It was the logical thing to do."
"It's always easier to stay delusional." I cynically agreed.
"You're one to talk. If you're so happy in your relationship with Matt, where is he?" He caught onto my earlier revelations, making me stiffen in fear.
"I'm supposing you went to meet him to share the good news, right? He might have been elated, so why isn't he here with you?"
When I kept mum, testing his patience in the process, he broke out, "If you both are in such a perfect relationship, why do you need a babymate, Elena!"
A tear slipped past my eye as I gasped. Forcing myself to maintain my composure, I barked back, "As I said before, that's between me and Matt. It doesn't concern you."
With that I turned my back to him, feeling a slow surge of physical pain thrum in my heart. It was then that I remembered - I had forgotten to take my medicines today. Or yesterday. Feeling nauseous, I gently patted my heart in an attempt to console it, requesting the organ to bear with me for just a little longer.
"Oh, so you can pass whatever comment you want about me and Katherine but I'm not allowed to say anything?" He bit back.
"I can't deal with this right now, Damon." I slightly crouched in pain and in the bile building in my throat. It hurt, fighting with him. It hurt, having another failed love story. It hurt, knowing I was all alone in this vast world.
Unknown to my emotional and physical turmoil, he mocked, "So typical. The moment things get a little ugly, you run."
I was tired of running. I was tired of it all. When I felt a forceful push from my throat, my hand clamped my mouth in an attempt to stop it. My eyes only widened in horror as I found my fingers tainted in red. Oh God. This wasn't good.
"It's time you face your fears, Elena." He scornfully added, ironically matching the timing of my situation. My silence caught his attention as he swept over to my side. Gently grabbing the hand that covered my mouth his orbs washed with concern.
Swallowing whatever dignity I had left, I tried with, "I'm fine, Damon. It's just a little blood."
"You forgot to take your medicines, didn't you?" I looked away in embarrassment, though instantly alerted the moment he swooped me in his arms. For a moment, I remained tongue-tied, trying to decipher the intentions behind his actions. As soon as I found my voice, I raised my defenses up.
"Damon, I'm perfectly capable of walking on my own. So let me down."
"Elena, I too am perfectly capable of driving you home. So let me take care of you." He imitated.
I didn't have any strength left to fight. And so I wrapped my arm around his neck and leaned onto his chest, feeling every short wisp of breath, hearing every erratic beat of heart.
It had been way too long since I enjoyed a hot bath.
Shortly after taking my medicines, I had asked Damon for a little privacy, wanting to be within the protection of four walls to contemplate my life. These past few days have been a total whirlwind; a flurry of incidents I needed to process. The fight we had was not spoken about on our silent ride back home in my car, and a lingering tension still persisted. But Damon never initiated a repeat of our argument in the twenty minutes of silence; constantly casting his glance in my direction in worry. I, on the other hand, continued to aimlessly look through the window, hoping for some ray of hope in my darkened life.
Now surrounded by warm water that penetrated its calming effect to my soul, I let out a short sigh in surrender. I lifted my hands out of the water, carefully watching the lines etched onto my palms in hopes of deciphering some moment of epiphany. Something that gave me some form of encouragement to continue living this morbid life. Because right now, I was trapped in a vicious cycle of pain and betrayal. I had betrayed Damon three years ago. Matt betrayed me today. And we were all unknowingly betraying this innocent soul within me. I was giving my child false hopes when I myself didn't know whether I'd survive the next few months. Everyone around me was showering this baby with so much love he deserved and I couldn't even belong to him.
Oh God. How on Earth did I get stuck in this mess!
My stomach grumbled, reminding me of the little troubles life was once filled with. When my parents were with me. When Jeremy and Aunt Jenna were. When Damon was. When I had a family.
Maybe I could order in some pizza. My mouth watered with delight.
Resolving to not cry over the morbidities of my life, I quickly donned a comfy sweatshirt and pajamas, leaving my wet hair to one side as I rung out droplets. I had only stepped into the living room when the aroma of my favorite pizza wafted through my nose.
"Thought you might like some of your favorite veggie pizza. Thin crust, no mushrooms, extra olives." Damon raised his head in acknowledgement, tilting his head to one side to notice me while his elbows remained rested on his knees, his fingers tented in between.
My resolve crumbed in seconds and my eyes glistened with emotion. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Damon always knew what I needed. It wasn't fair that my heart was a jumbled mess of pain and happiness all at once. And so I let out the tears I had kept locked within, the burden too much for me to handle. I clutched the temples of my head with one hand as my step faltered, my vision blurring with every passing second.
"Hey, Elena." Damon rushed to my side, cocooning me in his embrace as I found my balance.
The tears rushed past my eyes as I sobbed, "I'm so tired, Damon. Tired of running. Tired of living up to expectations without being allowed to expect anything in return. I can't do this anymore."
He gently rubbed his hand over my arm, coaxing me with a soft hush as he took me to the couch. I let my head drop in between my hands in perplexion as he sat next to me, perhaps waiting patiently for me to gather myself.
"Talk to me." He urged and I shook my head. Despite my sudden outburst, I couldn't burden him with my worries. Not when he already had so much on his plate.
He took my hand in his, forcing me to shift my gaze towards him, "You know you can talk to me about anything. Anytime."
The sincerity in his eyes had me catching my breath as sobs broke out, "I don't want you to-you already have so much going on-"
"It doesn't matter. Whatever the situation may be, Elena, I would still want to know whether you're alright or not."
My heart skipped a beat at his words and he continued, "Even professionally, as a babymate, it's my duty to know whether my client's okay. I've got to report back to my superiors every week, y'know?"
I sniffed and giggled, "Seriously?"
"They're pretty strict about all this." He waggled his eyebrows, a signature antic my heart used to swoon over.
I lowered my gaze again as he asked, "What happened?"
My throat started constricting as the morning incident replayed in my mind. I swallowed a lump in my throat before beginning, "I'd been trying to reach Matt ever since I found out about…"
His eyes shifted to the slight protruding bump in my belly and nodded.
"He had disappeared the day I told him I was…" Another pause. "It was normal of him to react this way. We had never discussed this, never discussed our future, really." I snorted cynically before realizing, "I don't think we ever discussed anything much at all."
Damon didn't say anything in remark, and at that moment I was grateful to him for giving me my rant.
"I found out yesterday that Matt was partying on some beach in Richmond. With Lexie Branson." My voice tightened at the memory of the social media post. "It was typical of him, really."
"And so I decided I'd meet him today. I wanted to tell him about this baby and my heart condition, hoping that'd change his perspective towards…" I left another sentence hanging.
Another deep breath. A few more tears spilled out my eyes.
"It wasn't difficult to locate his room at the resort he was staying, considering his infamous personality. But…" It's when I broke down again, the cries a clear reflection of the sting of pain in my heart.
Damon wrapped his arms around me, coaxing my head to his chest. I eagerly abided, finding his heart beat soothe my insides. "He wanted nothing to do with the baby or me, Damon. He made that abundantly clear before I even got the chance to tell him about my condition."
I gasped with tears flowing down my face onto his linen black shirt. He gently caressed my hair, consoling me with unsaid words, giving me the confidence I badly needed to continue.
"This isn't by accident. Matt deliberately...he knew what he was doing the last time we were together." I clung onto his arm as he tightened his grip on me.
I felt a sudden intake of breath and I looked up to find a glowering Damon Salvatore.
I basked the few seconds I had in his arms before he'd push me away for making such a foolish mistake. "I know you're probably mad at me for getting involved in such a reckless relationship-"
"Are you crazy?" He pulled away, passing an incredulous expression. This was it. This was where we'd resume our fight and he'd reprimand me.
"Elena, it's his fault he deceived you, not yours. In fact, it's a criminal offense considering it didn't involve your fully informed consent." He clarified with ferocity.
"He said I betrayed him." I meekly revealed.
My words caught his attention, "For what?"
"For still being in love with you."
His lips parted and released a slow exhale as his eyes grew trepid with fear. "Were you?"
"Would it have made a difference?" I answered with a question, wiping the remnants of tears with a brush of hand, "You chose Katherine, Damon."
"About that…"
"I didn't mean what I said." I confessed, looking away.
He looked astonished for a moment, before settling with a troubled expression, "Elena, I-"
"I'm happy for you and Katherine, Damon. Trust me, I am." My heart strangely ached at the truth but I ignored, "You needed a stable relationship after what I did to you, and I'm happy you found that with Katherine. I'm happy because you're happy." My lips curved into a slow smile.
"I'm sorry for what I said too. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know."
"I don't regret whatever I said about Matt though."
"I know that too."
"You can file a lawsuit on him, Elena. We could take this to court."
I looked up to find a fierce glow in his eyes, but couldn't match his with mine. "I don't want to, Damon. I'm tired of fighting everyone. I don't blame this baby; my baby. I want to do whatever I can for my son in these months, not attend court proceedings."
He nodded with a faint smile in admiration, "It's not your fault, Elena. How were you to know this to be forced on you."
I didn't. But my best friend did. She somehow always knew. Which is why she always gave the best advice too.
"Caroline!" I cried out into the phone the second she picked up.
"Elena, what's wrong?" Her voice rose in concern.
"I-I ended it, Care." I sobbed.
"Okay, Elena. Deep breaths." She instructed and I obeyed.
"Now tell me what happened."
"I was too confused, Care. I didn't know what to do about this...and then Matt gave me a solution, to get rid of it." I desperately ranted.
"What did you do, Elena?" She enunciated every word, reminding me of the sin I had probably done.
I clutched my phone tighter before stammering, "A-abortion."
She gasped so loudly on the other end, my heart fell into a pit of tremors, "I've ruined everything, haven't I?"
"Did you not think this through?"
"I was scared, Caroline! Damon's so ecstatic about this and I felt guilty for not feeling that way. I can't be a mother!" I exclaimed into the phone, flinging my arms in the air.
When I was met with silence, I crumbled, "What am I going to do now?"
"You have to tell Damon."
"No." I instantly rebuked. "I can't do that. He's going to hate me, Care. I won't be able to stand his hatred for me."
"Will you be able to stand your guilt?" I hung my head in shame.
"I can't lose him, Caroline." I cried.
"You'll lose yourself if you don't tell him, Elena. Honesty is the best way to go, that's what you always say."
I shook my head in pain, "I won't be able to see it end."
"You won't be able to see it live either if you keep it a secret, Elena."
She was right. I had to tell Damon. No matter how badly I could see my doom.
"Caroline was right. She knew. Maybe I did too, but I kept ignoring it." I heaved a sigh, recalling the argument we had the day before.
I needed to patch up with her.
I needed my best friend.
And so I dialed.
A/N:- Things are finally out in the open!
Do read and review!
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