New Author note: Updated for editing and small content changes.
Original Author note:
Thanks for the reviews so far! This story is definitely not over. I have another update almost ready to go but I might wait on additional ones for another episode to see how things progress with Mary's dad to see if I want to incorporate any of the details of that storyline into this universe.
Again, mistakes are my own and I hope I caught them all in my various revisions.
Marshall was overwhelmed. He sat in his car, flabbergasted, unsure of where to go, but knowing he would not be going home, nor would he be staying here. He was certain he was feeling every possible emotion, all at the same time.
On the surface, he was angry. He really wanted to punch something. He was angry that she told him. He was angry that she had never told him before. Angry that he couldn't take her into his arms and kiss her. Angry that he couldn't push her off a bridge.
Sadness bubbled to the surface. Sad for all of the time they had missed in not being together. Sad that he wasn't even sure they could work. He thought about the prospect of embarking on a life truly without her. He thought about a life that no longer included Abigail. He tried to consider which one seemed more painful.
Guilt immediately followed. He felt guilty that she offered her love and he acted like yet another person in her life who just threw it away. He felt guilty for considering her admission, that his heart wasn't true to Abigail.
He couldn't deny he felt relieved. To finally know the truth. That he wasn't crazy for loving her for all of those years.
He was confused. What did he want? Who did he want? Why did he still love her? Which path should he choose? He wasn't even sure that Mary had even offered a path. Just because she loved him didn't mean she wanted the relationship that he needed from another.
Deep down, he was in awe. He was proud of her for finally opening herself up to him. The year and a half younger version of himself even felt joy, dreaming of the possibilities.
Possibilities meant making a decision, something he had no idea how to do in this situation. He was afraid to make the wrong one. He had to choose and time was not on his side, which of course made him feel helpless.
He picked up his phone, hating himself for what he was about to do. He didn't feel that there was any other option though, as he desperately needed time and space to sort through his emotions. She answered joyfully on the second ring.
"Hey Ab. Something came up at work and I'm not sure when I'll be home," he grumbled.
"That's okay. We'll do your special dinner another night," she said with sympathy and longing.
"I'm really sorry." He was. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt as guilty as he did in this moment.
"It's Friday night. I've got friends. Don't worry, just call me when you can."
"Thanks," he replied sheepishly.
"Be safe," she said with affection.
"I will," he replied and ended the call. He had to end it before she said 'I love you'. He couldn't bear to hear those words from anyone at this moment because all he could think about was Mary's confession. A while ago, he had taught himself how to dissociate feelings of love from Mary, and now all of his efforts had been blown away by a simple gust a wind. He supposed the situation was a little more complicated than he was giving it credit for, and that the gust could more accurately be described as a hurricane. He needed to re-compartmentalize the two women then analyze the individual emotions, and that was going to take some time.
He hated lying to Abigail. She was so understanding. Guilt was now overflowing. He felt guilty for taking advantage of how easy it could be to be deceitful given the nature of his job. He felt guilty for being grateful at how easy it was. He had never lied to her before. He felt guilty for even considering Mary's confession, but he would be untrue to himself if he didn't.
He angrily threw his phone into the dashboard and shoved his keys into the ignition. He started the car and pulled out of his parking spot, still undecided upon his destination. He didn't want to drive around town all day. He might be spotted by ABQPD, and although it was highly unlikely, he didn't want to risk someone mentioning to Abigail that they'd seen him. He didn't want to remain stationary in town for the very same reason. And God forbid they should run into each other somewhere.
He stopped off at an ATM to grab some cash so he could be untraceable and decided to head south to Las Cruces.
Mary remained out on the patio for a few minutes after Marshall had left her so suddenly. She couldn't believe what had just happened. She closed her eyes and was again grateful for the sensation of the wind blowing across her face. His voice was echoing in her head and she remembered the feel of his arms around her as he yet again held her together. She took a few deep breaths and tried to dry her eyes. She still had work that needed to be done and she had no choice but to finish it.
With one last deep breath, she turned and walked to the door to return to reality. The salt from her tears had dried to her cheeks and eyelashes, making her face feel stiff, so she went into the bathroom to splash water onto her face before returning to her desk.
She wasn't surprised when she didn't see him at his desk. Stan passed her on his way to his office. He gave her a knowing look but wisely chose to say nothing.
Stan knew something was going on between his marshals. He had heard the buzz of the security door when Mary left, but thought nothing of the activity until the second buzz from Marshall leaving. The subsequent minutes of silence was what drew him from his office. Both of his inspectors had left without announcement. He walked over to the conference room to discreetly glance out the window to the patio. For them to take it outside, the issue must be personal and it must be serious. They usually thought nothing of fighting it out in front of the entire office. He saw hands flying through the air and both of them looked enraged. He suddenly saw Mary's head drop and her hands cover her face. Noticing the abrupt change in Marshall's demeanor, then watching him step forward to put his arms around her, Stan felt as though he had invaded their privacy and decided to return to his office.
His interest was piqued again when he heard the door open, followed by the footsteps of someone who had just entered, and looked up to see Marshall through the window in his office. He watched as Marshall angrily stuffed a few items in his bag. 'Fuck!' he muttered loudly as shoved his chair into his desk. Stan walked out of his office just in time to see Marshall step into the elevator. Raising his eyebrows, he decided to get a refill on his coffee. By the time he exited the kitchen area, Mary was returning to her desk. He noticed the splotchy appearance on her face and the telltale redness circling the rims of her eyelids. He gave a sympathetic glance then returned to his desk.
Mary sat down and considered how surprised she was that she actually told him. She tried so hard not to, it truly just fell out of her. She should have made her 'I love you' sound more vague. Perhaps they would have been able to salvage their friendship. She was sure by his departure that things could never be the same. Glancing at his vacant desk, she wondered where he had gone. Outside, they had seemed to reach a point where they had connected with each other again, but then he ran away. She considered the appropriateness of that action. She deserved it. Turnabout was fair play.
She was mad at herself for saying anything. The last thing she ever wanted was to put him in that position. Perhaps it didn't matter to Marshall that she loved him and didn't want him to marry Abigail. Her confession could be construed as disrespectful of their friendship. She tried to imagine how she would have reacted if he had unabashedly confessed his feelings on that day that revealed her engagement to Raph. Would she have even engaged in the conversation? Would she have let him in? Would she have gone home and broken up with Raph? She remembered looking at him curiously after his nebulous toast. 'Did he just say what I think he said? Did he mean what he just seemed to say? Why doesn't he do anything about it?' Her heart hurt in that moment, all of those years ago, because she knew they were a great team but wasn't sure their personal paths could run together.
She figured that slightly younger version of herself probably wasn't prepared to risk their friendship, even if she did love him in return. She wondered how the path would have progressed if Raph hadn't ended the engagement. Would Marshall have stopped her from actually marrying Raph? She knew Marshall didn't think Raph was right for her, and she knew he was even more in tune to the bond and chemistry that existed between them. She was just afraid of taking any of it seriously. It always came down to the fact that it was more important to keep Marshall as her friend than lose him as an ex-lover.
Her heart hurt now as well. She thought again how stupid it was to think that she would never lose him as long as they never pursued a relationship. She never considered the possibility that she would lose him anyway. How would anything make sense without Marshall? Why was she open to him now?
She thought about the role Norah was playing in the evolution of her emotional status quo. She had finally learned that she was capable of loving someone without doubt and without question. Sure, before Norah arrived, she had A LOT of both, but it surprised her how naturally loving her came, how good it felt to give love rather than keep it bottled inside. She recalled an intimate moment she shared with Marshall while she was engaged to Raph:
"I think I want something that just doesn't exist. I want something that's just right. Without argument or doubt. Which is insane, right? Because there's always argument. There's always doubt. So... I guess what I'm after here is the insane goal of an insane person."
"I would say it's the ideal goal of someone who has somehow managed to protect the purest part of her heart. Which does not seem insane to anyone who really knows you."
"Which would be you and you."
The love she had for Norah came from that pure, protected part of her heart and thereby helped her come to terms with some of her reservations about love. There is always argument and there is always doubt, but when you really love someone, your bond carries you through those things. It doesn't drive you apart. She recognized she shared that bond with Marshall and decided that her confession finally came out because she had evolved enough to where she could let someone else into that protected place. Sure, she had no intention of today being the day when it all fell out, but she didn't have a choice when she learned of his plans. Marshall was the only person who really knew her, the only person she wanted to let in and fight the world with. She knew it then and she knew it now. She didn't know why she had ever given anyone else any thought. The prospect that it was all falling apart at this very moment nearly tore her to shreds.
She roughly pressed her palms into her eyes then ran her fingers through her hair to try to readjust her focus. She forcibly pushed the topic from her mind. His empty chair had become a black hole that was threatening to swallow her whole. The threat assessments were not going to write themselves. The excruciating consequences of losing him would have to be dealt with later.
She barely made it through the three hours until five o'clock. She wasted no time in packing her things and was out the door, with a quick wave of goodbye to Stan. Due to meet up with her nanny at 5:30 to pick up Norah, she thought about the long night of emotional torture she had ahead of her.