Author's note (updated 12-21-20): Minor rewrite of few sections to help with the flow. No changes to the story.

I think I am finally happy with this chapter and how I wanted to portray Sirius at this point. I hope you enjoy the next chapter!

Chapter 5 – Shattered

There was a knock on the door.

Sirius was alone in the dorm. He was alone a lot lately; partly due to the punishment and partly on his own accord. Sirius had always used anger as a defense mechanism and the last few days had been no exception. It hurt less to pretend he didn't want to sit with his friends any more than they wanted to sit with him. The anger could only last so long and he could not fool himself forever. The wall he'd built around himself eventually crumbled and the pain hit him sharply.

The guilt of what he had done weighed heavily. He deserved this, Sirius thought. He deserved to be alone and miserable. He deserved for his friends to treat him as if he didn't exist. He'd betrayed their trust. He didn't even react to the jibes of the Slytherins anymore. And now the pain had moved to a sort of numb feeling. He went through the motions of daily life, but didn't really feel anything.

Sirius's birthday had come and gone with barely an acknowledgement. None of his friends had said a word, so it was a good thing he wasn't feeling much these days or that would have hurt worse. He wondered vaguely what his friends had planned for that day before this had all happened. He received two Happy Birthday greetings from Lily Evans and Mary MacDonald. These well-wishes had shocked him as Evans thought he was as arrogant as James and he rarely spoke to MacDonald; she was too silly and girly for him. Sirius knew from Remus that the fifth-year prefects were in charge of posting a monthly birthday list on the Gryffindor bulletin board. And now he knew Evans was taking her duties seriously and keeping tabs on the list.

Over the course of the week, he had endured every possible version of the 'think-before-you-leap' and 'all-actions-have-consequences' lecture. The Professors were taking turns overseeing his in-school suspension and they all felt the need to lecture him as well. When Professor Keenan had attempted to speak with him, Sirius had walked right out of the room. He'd hid in one of the secret rooms his friends had found last year and returned around the time the next Professor or prefect was supposed to take over. Sirius was on the edge the rest of day waiting to be reprehended, but it seemed Professor Keenan had not told anyone.

Sirius had no desire to keep up with the rumors going around. He didn't have to in order to know the falling out between him and his mates was the main topic of discussion. There was a definite coldness whenever he entered a room. If he'd been so inclined Sirius would have found out that there were a percentage of students on his side, at least based on what they thought had happened with the Whomping Willow. Snape, after all, was unpopular. Instead, Sirius was short and rude to any student who attempted to speak to him. He decided it was better this way than to wonder if they were sincere or just trying to get him to talk about what had happened.

The knock sounded again on the door; a little louder.

"Yes?" Sirius called dully.

Gideon Prewett walked in. "I'll be escorting you down to the train. McGonagall's orders."

"Yea- ok."

Prewett hesitated looking around the room and at the small bag on Sirius's bed. "Are you all packed?"

Sirius nodded, clasping his over-cloak on, pocketing his wand, and slinging the bag over his shoulder. It wasn't as if he needed very much. He would very likely be banished to his room most of the time and given clothes to wear to whatever event his presence was needed.

"Fair warning, you'll be sitting in the compartment across from the prefects. You're to stay there the entire ride and we will be checking in on you."

"I see," Sirus said and Prewett frowned. Sirius was actually relieved to have been assigned a compartment. It saved him from pretending he wanted to sit with students that were not his mates. Prewett was clearly expecting some sort of argument, and he appeared lost with Sirius's agreeableness. "Well, I'm ready."

They descended down the stairs together. James and Peter were walking up in the other direction – laughing. Their laughter hit Sirius like a punch in the gut. The boys sobered up when they saw Gideon and Sirius.

"Hello, Prewet," James greeted. His eyes met Sirius's briefly and for a second it seemed as if he was going to say something. It was the first time James had really looked at Sirius since his cutting words to Sirius a few days ago. The tension on the stairs was practically unbearable and Peter broke it. "James, we still need to pack."

James turned abruptly from him and Sirius could feel his face flush. "Right. Right," James muttered. James and Peter continued by the stairs.

Prewett cleared his throat. "Only prefects will be allowed to sit with you during the train ride..."

"Understood," Sirius replied. His thoughts were still on the run-in with James and Peter as they crossed the common room. There was no one to sit with him anyway, and the prefect-that-was-his-former-friend was certainly not an option.

"Dumbledore and the Professors came down pretty hard on you," Prewett mused and then looked apologetic when Sirius glared. "Lots of rumors going on about you, Potter, Snape and the Whomping Willow. McGonagall probably shouldn't have told us prefects anything, but word always gets around with things like that, don't they?"

Sirius didn't answer. He kept walking silently, and thankfully Prewett followed his lead and didn't attempt further small talk. They reached where the carriages were parked to take them to the Hogwarts Express. The wind outside was biting cold, but Sirius, senses dulled, barely felt it. Gideon shivered beside him.

"We'll be in the first carriage up there." Prewett pointed. "Go on. I'll join you in a bit."

Sirius nodded and stepped up into the carriage. Sirius was relieved to see it empty. Lost in his own thoughts, staring up unseeingly at the peeling paint of the carriage ceiling, Sirius wasn't sure if 10 or 20 minutes passed when Prewett entered with three other prefects. They all chimed hello to Sirius as if was perfectly normal for him to be seated with them. The conversation inside was a bit stilted, and it was a relief for Sirius when they reached the station. Prewett led him to the compartment across from where the prefects sat.

"I'll be across the aisle or patrolling. I'll be checking in periodically."

"Ok," Sirius muttered.

"If you need anything just knock on the prefect compartment. There will always be someone in there."

Sirius nodded, scooting over to the seat farthest from the door. He leaned his head on the glass window and closed his eyes. The door slid closed as Gideon left. He could hear fervent whispering outside the compartment. If he cared to – he could have listened to what they were saying about him. He opened his eyes, sighing out loud. He was thankful his compartment side was not facing the side where students would be entering. It was difficult watching others carrying on when he no longer had any friends.

The harsh words he'd had with James and Remus were fresh in his mind. James had hurt him the worst. James, who knew him best, had known the way to hurt him worst. Once a Black. Always a Black. Ever since stepping into Hogwarts Sirius had to prove he was different from his family. He had to fight for his housemates' respect. Even when others were suspicious of his intentions, James had never been. A month ago, when Sirius had shared his worries about Voldemort's attempt to recruit him into their ranks, James had told him quietly, "I know you would never join. You've gone through hell over the past few years against your family. You aren't going to suddenly become a blood purist."

What would James say now?

And though he hadn't spoken to Peter and didn't really know Peter's true opinion on the matter, the silence spoke for itself. Peter's loyalty was clear and even though he wasn't as close friends with Peter as James and Remus, it still stung. He wondered if he'd made more of an effort to show he was truly sorry that things would be different.

Gideon stopped in about once an hour. He'd always liked Prewett, but his attempts at conversation were aggravating. At least no one else bothered him. Every time Sirius thought of his destination it sent his stomach lurching. Gideon was by his side when the train arrived at King's Cross. He must have been instructed to stay with him until he was safely in his parent's grasp.

Regulus bounded over immediately. "You can leave now, Prewett," Regulus stated rudely. Though the Prewetts were purebloods and related through marriage, the families had never quite got along. Just as the Blacks were a family of Slytherins, the Prewetts were a family of Gryffindors.

"Have a Happy Christmas," Gideon stated with a curt nod.

"There's going to be nothing happy about it with you being home," Regulus mouthed. Sirius refused to comment so Regulus continued, "First time I heard of someone being forced home during Holiday break."

"Yea…well-"

Sirius wasn't quite sure what he was going to say, but before he could figure it out, Regulus blurted, "Aren't you worried about what mother and father are going to do to you?"

Sirius was terrified. He expected it to be unpleasant. He wasn't going to tell his little brother; who more than likely would let that fact slip in front of their parents. Besides he couldn't do anything about it. He needed to use all his Gryffindor courage to survive until school started again.

Before the brothers could further converse, Mrs. Black appeared, her heels clicking importantly. Sirius steeled himself in preparation.

"My sons," Mrs. Black said her eyes held no warmth as she surveyed her offspring. Regulus bowed his head slightly in greeting. Sirius might have done the same if his mother was still looking at him. Sirius followed her gaze and his heart gave a leap to see James watching them steadily, his face impassive. James gave a slight shrug; which Sirius did not know how to interpret. Then Sirius turned back to look at his mother and she had a calculating look to her. Since his sorting, James had always stayed by his side as they waited to be picked up by their respective parents. Could his mother tell just by this that they had fallen out?

"Let's go home, boys."

Mrs. Black led her sons to a shop where they could Floo home. The Blacks were above using Muggle transportation. They arrived in the living room of Grimmauld Place. It looked as dark and dreary as Sirius remembered. Most of the rooms were decorated in dark green colors and lit using gas lamps rather than the natural light outside. He was not about to linger near his mother, so he inched toward the stairs.

"Not so fast, Sirius," Mrs. Black said. Sirius paused and he turned around forcing himself to look at his mother straight in the eyes. "Your wand." She held out her hand, forcing Sirius to approach her. Sirius relinquished his wand. It was more than just the humiliation of it; but he literally was now defenseless from armed family members to all the magical enchantments around the house.

Mrs. Black then sent them up to wash and dress in formal robes. They were to be ready in an hour. Regulus insisted Sirius use the wash room first and when Sirius emerged Kreacher was in his room laying out the robes he was to wear.

"Young master," Kreacher said, bowing lowly, but in a way it was clear the house elf had no respect for him despite Sirius being the heir.

"Get out, Kreacher!"

Kreacher scuttled out across to Regulus's bedroom. Sirius dressed himself and the dark colors emphasized how tired and awful he was feeling. He certainly did not give off the usual confidence he emitted. He had always survived the confrontations with his mother and father by being self-assured and defiant; and now lacking both, he didn't know what would happen.

Regulus came to fetch him at dinner time, and they walked down together. Regulus bowed as they entered and Sirius followed suit without even bothering to glance around. As he picked up his head, he was startled to find only his mother seated regally in her usual chair. Their most elaborate cutlery was set out and three candles flickered in their goblin-made silver holders.

"Your father will not be joining us for dinner," Mrs. Black announced. She offered no other information to her sons and they both hastily took their places.

"How were you grades this term?" Mrs. Black asked. She had taken a few sips of wine, but had not touched her food yet.

Regulus opened his mouth to answer, but Mrs. Black cut him off. "Sirius first."

Sirius shrugged. Only minutes downstairs and he already wanted to be back in his room. "Satisfactory."

"Satisfactory? Your father and I expect top marks from you. It would be a grave disappointment if they were merely satisfactory. There will be consequences if that is the case."

"Yes, mother."

Mrs. Black narrowed her eyes. As low as he was feeling, his tone still lacked the expected deference. Instead of engaging with him, she turned to Regulus. "And you?"

Throwing Sirius a gloating glance, Regulus proudly stated, "I know I excelled in them all."

Sirius just barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. Regulus could be such a kiss-up. Their grades would be owled in a few days and he knew he had done well enough, but he certainly wasn't top student in each class as his parents expected. Sirius knew he'd be punished if Regulus's grades were higher than his. Sirius might have been naturally the smarter of the two, but Regulus made up for it in effort.

"Very good." She abruptly turned her attention back on him. "Now I don't believe this nonsense that Dumbledore sent me about you, Sirius. I'd like a truthful explanation."

"It is the truth, mother," Sirius responded. He now tried to sound as respectful as possible. His mother must never know the truth.

"I can't believe you'd be sent home for a scuffle with another boy."

Not just any boy, Sirius thought darkly.

"This Snape boy. I've heard him mentioned before. Who is he?"

Sirius wasn't sure how he would be able to explain Snape to his mother. And, of course, she'd heard about him before. At least half the letters sent about his detentions had to be because of Snivellus.

"He's just…" Sirius searched for the right words. "Just…just someone I don't get along with." He figured saying nothing would be worse. Regulus scoffed at this answer.

Mrs. Black turned her eyes to his brother. Sirius could tell she was debating between forcing him to say more and choosing the more fruitful route of letting Regulus speak. "What do you know of him, Regulus?"

Regulus straightened up again, all important and shot Sirius a look. "He's a Slytherin. Half-blood. An upstart that fancies himself the same status as purebloods."

"Half-blood?"

"His mother was a Prince; at least that is what I heard."

"Interesting. You don't get along with him either?"

"Snape is sneaky and clever. A true Slytherin. I wouldn't want him as an enemy, but at times he needs to be shown his place."

"You forgot greasy git," Sirius muttered, almost inaudible, but loud enough for Regulus to hear him.

Regulus took a breath. "None of these are the reasons Sirius dislikes him, mother. It is more of personality clash. Potter and Sirius gang up on him often."

Sirius dropped his fork at Potter. He hastily picked it back up, but it had zeroed his mother on him again. Looking down at his plate Sirius desperately wished the topic would go anywhere – even prospective marriages or joining Voldemort – literally anywhere except to James.

Mrs. Black took her time slicing into her chunk of chicken and chewing a piece slowly, deliberately. "So have the Potters invited you over for the Holidays?"

"No," Sirius croaked.

"Why not?" Mrs. Black asked gently, as if she was concerned about there being a problem between her son and a family of blood traitors. Sirius shook his head. He certainly wasn't going to speak the words aloud.

"Sirius. Why. Not?" his mother demanded once more. Each of the words punctuated with firmness.

"Just family," Sirius managed to choke out. "Just spending it with family."

Regulus moved in his chair, eager to speak. Only a glare from Mrs. Black stilled him. "I wondered you know, Sirius…when Potter wasn't glued to your side when I picked you up…"

"We're just …we're just not as close. Shouldn't that please you?" Sirius said, hoping that would be enough.

"So, are we to add liar to your list of admirable traits?" Mrs. Black asked coldly.

"I only learn from the best," Sirius spat out.

"Silence!" Mrs. Black slammed her fist down on the table. She had enough of the games. "I know the truth. Regulus owled me days ago that you have fallen out with Potter."

"You wrote to them?" Sirius asked looking at his brother. They'd always been at odds, but since his sorting into Gryffindor their relationship had only disintegrated, and when Regulus got into Slytherin it had snowballed quickly. They were now enemies; not on the same side like brothers should be.

Regulus looked startled. "Why wouldn't I? Anyway, I didn't think you'd be fighting this long…"

"It isn't any of their business or yours!"

Mrs. Black cleared her throat. "Oh I think it is our business. Anything concerning the company you keep directly reflects this family. This is a very interesting development. Sirius, how long have you been fighting?"

Sirius stayed stonily silent.

"You will be punished for this disrespect, Sirius," Mrs. Black stated as she turned to Regulus.

Regulus answered immediately, earning another glare from Sirius. "About a week. Potter's completely shut him out...he's got Lupin and Pettigrew on his side. Something to do with the Whomping Willow and Potter saving Snape..."

Sirius bunched up his fists, furious. He wanted Regulus to shut-up. Bringing up the Whomping Willow was an unnecessary detail that his mother did not need to know. He didn't know what to do because any reaction from him would make the situation worse.

"The Whomping Willow?" Mrs. Black asked thoughtfully. Then perhaps deciding she didn't really care about the details turned a calculating look directly at him. "It was only a matter of time before this happened."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, despite knowing he should have stayed quiet.

"What happened between you two, dear? Did you finally show your true colors? Finally show Potter that you are a Black no matter what House colors you're dressed up in?"

"No," Sirius stated, but that was all he could get out because her words had a ring of truth to him. He tried not to think how closely his mother's words had mirrored James's. It only made him feel ill.

"We are your family. Even after all you have done; we have not abandoned you, and we won't. Not like Potter. Not like your precious Gryffindors. Those brave lions aren't so loyal now, are they?" She was watching him like she was a cat and he was a mouse caught in her crosshairs. "We understand...the thrill of rebellion...the need to fit in with all the mudbloods and the blood-traitors."

Sirius looked away. He couldn't bear to see the triumphant gleam in his mother's eye. His mother had always wrongly thought that he went against the family simply to rebel. It might have started off like that in the beginning, but it was no longer the case. His family tree was filled with horrible people. They were Muggle-haters and pure-blood supremacists. They were power hungry and deeply entrenched into the Dark Arts. It still sickened him that he had been brought up to see these people as models to emulate. He now saw their actions for what they truly were, but Regulus was still blinded. Regulus still wanted to be just like them.

Mrs. Black smiled and it made Sirius feel very cold. "Oh, how you've touted your friends! One for all and all for one! And where has that got you? Where are your wonderful friends now? You've been dropped like you're nothing! As if a Black's friendship is nothing!"

"May I please be excused?"

"No. Kreacher has spent the day cooking and preparing for your welcome home dinner." She gestured to the lavish set-up. There was enough food to feed half of Gryffindor. "You will finish your dinner."

There was a moment or two of silence. Sirius took a bite or two of his meal; hoping that at least he'd cut off his mother's rant. Mrs. Black continued looking grim, "When your father returns, I will let him in on this recent development. This is the perfect timing for you to come to your senses. This unbecoming behavior has gone on long enough. Now that you are 16, you will start taking over more formal responsibilities. Our family will rise to great heights through you. It will all begin with you meeting the Dark Lord."

The hair on Sirius's arm stood straight up and his stomach knotted. His throat suddenly felt parched and he gulped down half a cup of water. Right. He was now old enough to formally join the Death Eater ranks. He'd been so foolish. Obviously, his parents were aware of the informal recruitment attempts. Now there was no need for his parents to hide their expectations. He was expected to join the Death Eaters. He had time, he reasoned. His parents were not Death Eaters as far as he knew, and thus they would not have direct communication with Voldemort. There would be a process. He had time. He clung to that thought because without it, he would unravel.

Dinner dragged on and on. Sirius fidgeted in his seat alternating between being anxious and bored. Mrs. Black chatted about this or that bit of gossip. Regulus readily chimed in when he knew a daughter or son of the said family. Since the incident, Sirius hadn't been eating properly, but he forced himself to eat that evening, worried he'd never get to the solidarity of this room.

"May I be excused now, mother?" Sirius tried again; his plate as empty as he could stomach.

"Very well. Lines before you go to bed for your disrespect. Page twelve in Nature's Nobility. Ten times should do the trick. Kreacher will pick it up and bring it to me."

"Yes, mother." Sirius had no idea what page twelve in the book would say, but he knew that book well. It was written in the small print and each page had a good 500 or so words. At least lines were a nice change from all the manual labor he'd been forced to do during his detentions. He stood up.

"And Sirius I haven't forgotten what happened with Professor Keenan." A chill filled the air, the words threatening. Sirius hadn't for a moment believed his mother had forgotten. "But under the circumstances, if you choose correctly…that sordid deal might never have to be brought up again."

"Yes, mother," Sirius replied. There was no sarcastic comment, not even a rolling of the eyes. He was not sounding at all like himself. He was never this agreeable. He could see how pleased this demure behavior was to his mother. He suddenly did not see the point of antagonizing his mother any further, and he never thought things like that.

"I will call on Lucius and Narcissa to come to lunch tomorrow or the day after. Will it not be nice to see your cousin? Lucius will be a great mentor for you, Sirius."

"Splendid," Sirius answered sarcastically.

The next two days were rough for Sirius. If he stayed in his room, the Gryffindor colors everywhere mocked him. The picture of the Marauders he'd tacked on the wall was now empty except for him. At night Sirius stared at the two-way mirror, and countless times he almost said 'James'. He had never realized how much he had relied on the strength his friends had given him to battle his parents. Yet despite this need, he did not try to call James. Sirius could not bear the thought of James not answering… or worse, James answering and telling him he belonged with the Blacks, so why fight it?

When he ventured out of his room, he had to deal with his mother, father, and brother. Every time he was in her presence, his mother purposely said things about blood purity and mudbloods that she knew had previously enraged him. Mrs. Black's words became more and more deplorable as she tested to see how far she could go before he snapped. He could not find the energy required to get into shouting matches with his mother. Sirius's lack of defiance and the way he moped around filled the Black's with hope. Sirius's father had already spoken to him twice at length about 'sense of duty', 'loyalty', and 'family honor'. And he had let his father prattle on, suddenly in the role of devoted son. He wasn't though; Sirius clung to that belief. He just wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to argue. He was soon to see the consequence of letting his family believe he was compliant.

On his third day home, Lucius and Narcissa arrived for lunch. In all honesty Sirius had forgotten that his mother had sent them an invitation. Narcissa, her light-colored hair fell in graceful waves past her shoulders, hugged and kissed him. She said sweetly, "I am so glad to have you back." Sirius gave her an odd look.

Lucius, his white-blonde hair pulled back, shook his hand formerly. "Good to hear you're on board."

"Of what?" Sirius asked befuddled. He might have been out of it, but Sirius was pretty sure he had never said he'd join up with Voldemort. He'd known all his father's talk of duty was leading up to something. So far, parents had skirted around the issue. They had not yet ordered him to do anything.

Mr. Black stepped in, putting firm pressure on Sirius' shoulder. "We have plenty of time to discuss such matters. I'm famished. Let's all sit down to eat."

Lucius nodded and took Narcissa's arm as Mrs. Black moved them to the room where the platters of sandwiches had been set-up.

Sirius was taken to the side by his father. He was pushed right up against the bricks built around the fireplace. He could feel the heat of the stones through his robes. "You will not embarrass me tonight. Is that understood?"

Sirius loosened his father's grip; a bit of the fire that he'd lost back in his eyes and voice. "It isn't my fault you gave Lucius the impression that I am suddenly joining up!" His words were braver than he felt. It suddenly dawned on him that even though his parents didn't have any association with Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy did.

Mr. Black stared back hard at his eldest. The firelight cast shadows on his face. "You will join up."

There it was; the command. Sirius opened his mouth to protest.

"You no longer have the resources to defy us. No friends. You are very close to having no family. It can be a very cruel world. Do not forget that I do have the resources to ensure your misery should you not do your duty. Now let us enjoy the company of our extended family."

Sirius didn't move.

"You can come on your won or I will use magic. Stop acting like a petulant child."

Sirius clenched his jaw and followed his father into the other room. He felt dazed. How had this happened? He'd been a bit more agreeable and suddenly his parents thought he'd jump when they said so.

He had trouble focusing on the topic of conversation; though there was no need, as he was expected to sit silently and only speak if called upon. Lucius and Sirius's father talked about the Ministry mostly; who was bribing who, who was trying to advance.

Lunch ended. The women stayed in the room to gossip about more trivial manners, while the men went into the formal study. It was a different room than Mr. Black's personal study. Sirius bet his mother had put up a fight about not being in the room when the more important matters were to be discussed. She took just as much – if not more – interest in her heirs as her husband. Narcissa though would not enjoy such talk nor would Lucius feel it was appropriate for his young wife to be in on it all. Regulus was completely thrilled about being allowed to be present.

Mr. Black poured Lucius and himself some brandy. Both men were standing while the boys had taken seats under their father's direction. Regulus and Sirius were not offered anything, even though it wasn't unusual for them to be allowed wine during formal dinners.

"Do I have to be here, sir?" Sirius asked before any topic about Voldemort had been broached.

Lucius looked amused by his question; while his father's face darkened. "This is about your future."

"It isn't as if I have a say in it anyway," Sirius muttered. He crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.

"Orion, forgive me, I was under the impression that Sirius was willing. The Dark Lord can be...volatile. I would not advise we go before him if Sirius has any doubts."

"He is willing, Lucius." He sent a dark look at his son, daring Sirius to say otherwise. "Sirius's induction will be a great victory for the Dark Lord. A former Gryffindor blood-traitor and the heir to the great Black legacy. Sirius is in a unique position that no one else will be able to fill."

"Yes, as you know, the Dark Lord has already expressed interest in him." Lucius walked over and examined a silver box decorated with gleaming emeralds on one of the wooden shelves. He placed it back down before saying, "But...Sirius only turned sixteen a few days ago. This fallout with the Gryffindors has so recently occurred...the Dark Lord will wonder if his allegiance to the Cause is true. Sirius will also be under the influence of Dumbledore for another two and a half years. And Sirius has already been persuaded once to his side."

"I vouch for my son, Lucius. He will do what is needed to earn the Dark Lord's trust. I assure you of this." Mr. Black cleared his throat and took a sip out of his glass. "How soon do you think this can be arranged?"

Lucius placed his cup down with a thump. He had been observing Sirius throughout the discussion. "My reputation is on the line as well. I need to arrange a meeting to discuss other matters with the Dark Lord anyway. I will formally present Sirius to the Dark Lord then. Should he not show-"

"Sirius will be there," Orion said forcefully. Sirius looked away, unable to meet his father's eyes. A month ago, he would have probably stared straight back. He would have insisted he would not be there. Now Sirius was at a loss about what he should do. Maybe it was time to stop fighting his destiny…

"If not – the Dark Lord will never need to know. Safer for all us this way." Lucius's dark eyes traveled up and down Sirius in frank judgement. He must have passed because Lucius did not express further concern. "I shall contact you the day and time. The Dark Lord is very busy and with Christmas so near-"

"The sooner the better. I want this completed before Sirius returns to Hogwarts."

This made sense to Sirius. Back at Hogwarts he'd be with the Gryffindors, and there was the slightest chance his friends would forgive him. His parents planned to entrap him in his destiny while he was at his lowest. He knew and understood this, but he didn't know if he had the strength without his friends to stand again them.

"I will do my best."

"Let us join the women for some dessert?"

"You're so lucky," Regulus whispered beside him. He had stayed silent for the meeting. Sirius wanted to strangle some sense into him. There was no luck involved in this at all.

Narcissa and Lucius left around 4 o'clock, and they did not hear about a meeting for days. Christmas passed with lavish celebrations and parties. His parents only forced Sirius to attend one such event. Sirius had stayed to the side and out of the way during the party. He spotted plenty of schoolmates, mostly Slytherins, though there was a spattering from different Houses. Sirius ended up spending some time with two Ravenclaws a year older than he was. He didn't particularly enjoy their company, but conversation followed easily enough and they were too proper to ask him too much about his falling out with James.

At the party Sirius spotted his father conferring with Lucius causing his heart to beat erratically. His fear of coming face to face with Voldemort surfaced every so often, but Sirius was usually able to keep it at bay by simply not thinking about it. The fact that Lucius had not yet contacted them about a meeting with the Dark Lord gave Sirius a glimmer of optimism. He dared hope that Lucius was not as influential with Voldemort as he bragged.

Two days after Christmas they received word from Lucius.

It was still early morning and Sirius had been lounging on his bed when Mrs. Black barged into his room. He slipped the two-way mirror under his pillow just in time. Even if he never used the mirror again, he didn't want his mother to confiscate it. Sirius's mother barked at him to follow her to his father's study where the letter was read out loud.

The Dark Lord has agreed to meet me tomorrow, December 28th, at 10 am. I will arrive at Grimmauld Place at 9:45 am.

Sirius felt his stomach drop. He had convinced himself that Lucius would not be able to arrange this meeting and his brain did not want to process what the letter meant. His parents did not say a word, watching his reaction and waiting for him to speak.

"What time do I need to be ready?" Sirius found himself asking, only because it was expected. He needed time to think. He needed time to process. This couldn't be happening tomorrow. He needed more time. It didn't seem real. It felt as if it was happening to someone else.

Mr. Black looked pleased. "Be ready for inspection at 9 am. Dress in your dark green robes. Comb your hair neat. We'll go over the proper way you are to address and act in front of the Dark Lord then."

Sirius spent the day in turmoil. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't believe he had let it get this far. Tomorrow he could very well be in the service of Voldemort. He could barely take two bites of food at dinner. If his parents had any suspicions that he would defy them, they kept it to themselves. Sirius supposed even a fervent follower would be nervous meeting Voldemort. The man certainly hadn't gained a reputation of being kind and understanding. Sirius took refuge in being sent to bed early. Sirius had expected lectures all day about duty and honor, but he received none.

In the shower that night Sirius couldn't help thinking about his mates. What would they all think about this? James's words about him being a Black had stung; but had James thought his words would have this kind of consequence. Did Remus believe this would happen when he suggested he be sent home as a punishment? If Peter had been here, he would have voiced loudly the same terrified thoughts that were running through Sirius's head.

Sirius trudged into his bedroom shutting the door closed. Finally, alone, he felt tears threatening to spill over. The numbness had put him in a vulnerable state. He didn't think anything his parents could do would be worse than the abandonment of his friends. He was wrong. He'd been foolish. It had taken this to snap him out of the stupor he'd been in since returning home.

He glanced over on the picture of the Marauders pasted to his wall. There was James! Sirius shook his head and looked more closely, but James was gone again. After staring a few more moments at the empty picture, Sirius was convinced he had imagined it. And then suddenly James was peeking in again. Only for a few moments, but there he was. He watched again and it filled his heart with something. This had to mean something! Right? After days and days of staring at the empty photograph for this to happen on this night; it had to be a sign.

Sirius dressed in his sleeping attire and moved across the room to unlatch the window. The rain had not let up all day. The moon and stars were hidden by a thick layer of dense dark clouds. A gust of cold air hit him and a spray of raindrops caused him to shiver. The icy rain felt good; it made him feel alive

He couldn't do it. He couldn't obey his parents. He couldn't fulfill his duty. Not if the only way to do so was by joining Voldemort. Even if James, Remus, and Peter never forgave him; they had changed the person he was inside irrevocably. James had shown him the distinct difference between right and wrong; good and evil. James had shown him that there were so many more important things than blood. There might have been a time when he wanted to make his parents proud, but those days were long gone. His friends might hate him, but that did not change the fact that Voldemort stood for everything that Sirius now stood against.

Sirius shut the window. It clicked close and Sirius looked around his room at a loss. Making the decision was one thing, but now what was he do? Lucius had stated he would only take him if he was willing, but could he really rely on his word? Would his parents force him to join Lucius? There were spells and curses that Sirius couldn't hope to fight against. His mother would have no qualms about using any form magic to force him to obey.

The Blacks's problem had always been that they had never taken his views on blood seriously; still believing to this day that Sirius did not really believe that blood did not matter and that he said he believed in those things solely to aggravate them. If nothing else, this would surely show them he'd been sincere all along in his views.

His parents' rage would be unimaginable, when they realized his choice. They had gotten so close to getting him to fulfill the destiny they had planned for him and they would not give up without a fight. With this choice, came only one path. If he wasn't joining Voldemort; he had to leave.

Tonight.

And as soon as possible.

Author's note: I know another sort of cliff-hanger ending! Sorry, but it was a perfect place to end the chapter. Thanks for reading. I would the thrilled if you left a review!