Chapter 10: Wading Through

Remus leaned against the wall between the two compartments, his breath coming in and out too quickly. Two pretty girls passing by, looked him curiously as he stood there trying to compose himself.

In retrospect Remus should have waited until later to speak to James. He'd been dreading the conversation since the letter from Sirius had arrived, and had wanted it get it over with.

He'd taken one look at James and knew that everything he'd been ready to say didn't matter.

"You've already forgiven him." The words he was thinking blurted out before he could stop himself.

Remus watched as James had struggled for words. He could see the emotions playing across his friend's face – sadness, betrayal, guilt and then determination. James didn't deny it. He couldn't deny it.

"Talk to him."

"No."

"I'm not asking you to forgive him. I understand if you don't. Please talk to him."

Remus felt his emotions begin to bubble – anger rushing upwards. "I don't owe him anything! His mistake would have been ruined my life! What do you think happens to people like me when they murder someone?"

"Maybe we shouldn't have this conversation here," Peter interrupted nervously. "Where we can be overheard?"

"I can put up a privacy charm," James said grabbing for his wand.

"No need. I'm leaving," Remus said, standing up. "Prefect duty." His anger draining as quickly as it had come. He wasn't mad at James, not really.

"Can't that wait until we-"

"There's nothing left to say."

"But-"

"I can't be friends with Sirius."

The statement simple and final. It needed to be said so James would understand.

"Ok." James looked hurt, disappointed.

Remus knew it wasn't that simple, and he was only making things more difficult. It had always been inevitable that James and Sirius would become friends again. So now it was up to him to decide how to move forward.

He pushed off against the compartment wall, having somewhat composed himself, and headed to the front of the train. His prefect duty didn't start for another hour, but at least there would be normal talk about the holidays and homework and none of about friendship and forgiveness.

He paused at the Prefect Compartment...and looked across. The shade had been drawn down, but he knew Sirius Black was inside. He fought the urge to burst into the compartment – to let out all the anger. He didn't let his emotions get the best of him. He was a monster one day a month, and that was enough.

They were all miserable - he, James and Peter. All because Sirius had ruined everything, and turned Hogwarts from a place Remus had felt he truly belonged to a cavernous castle filled with ghostly memories. His only solace, and he knew this probably made him an awful person, was that Black was as unhappy as they were.

James fell back against the seat – frustrated. "That didn't go well."

Peter made a noncommittal noise, and James turned to him. "What about you?"

Peter shrunk back slightly. "What do you mean?"

"Can you be friends with Sirius?"

"Oh...well...I..." Peter's face had turned bright pink. He clearly had not expected to be asked his opinion.

"You don't have to forgive him just because I do."

"I feel bad for them both."

"Yea...me too."

"Remus has a right to be angry. He was the one wronged."

"I know."

"And Sirius is sorry, right?"

James nodded. "Yea, he is."

"Then I'm willing to give him a second chance." Peter glanced at him. "Remus might not be willing though."

"How's this going to work...being friends with them both?"

"A schedule?"

"Yea...I suppose." James groaned. He did not want to be forced to split his time between his friends, but the alternative was worse. "Godric, what a mess!"

"You've got me," Peter reminded him.

"Yea, mate. Of course," James agreed. "Sirius needs you as much as he needs me. He needs us all with everything he is going through."

"Right...what happened with that? Why'd he run away?"

"Not my story to tell. You'll have to ask Sirius."

"He doesn't talk about that stuff with me."

"It's tough for him to talk about, but he's going to have to."

"If you don't mind me changing topics," Peter began, "I have something for you."

"Yea?"

Peter rummaged through his bag and passed James a book that clearly had seen better days. "Found this over break. My mother's suddenly into Antique shopping. Bloody boring for the most part, but I did find this. Owner said it's been out of print for a least a decade...but there's some really cool play ideas."

"Peter! This is amazing," James exclaimed as he flipped through the yellowed pages. "How much was it? I can pay you."

"No need. It's a gift," Peter said beaming.

And they spent most of the train ride looking through the book, discussing the plays – giving them both a much-needed break from all the drama.

The first day was both better and worse than Sirius expected. Remus was still avoiding him, slipping out of the dormitory while Sirius was showering. Slipping back in after Sirius had closed his curtains. He ignored him during classes and always seemed to be on the move. It hurt, and he missed Remus...but he had mentally prepared himself for the snubbing and he was forcing himself to take it in stride.

Walking down to the Common Room that morning, Sirius felt like he was eleven years old again facing his housemates as the first Black in Gryffindor. James Potter, oblivious to politics and the trepidation Sirius had felt, had stood shoulder to shoulder with him then...and he did the same now. The common room turned silent. The Gryffindors turned and actually stared at him – then at James and then back at him. They had reason to be wary of him. He had lost Gryffindor 100 points, and the article in the Prophet would have stressed his delinquency and instability. With James by his side, no one in Gryffindor would give him a rough time.

James as a buffer did not extend past the Gryffindor Common Room. In the hallways the stares were less curious and more spiteful. He was jostled and tripped in the hallways...the perpetrators always disappearing into the crowds before Sirius could retaliate. Stairs turned into ice beneath his feet, he was locked in the bathroom for over an hour, and a Suit of Armor tried to strangle him. The Slytherins had gone after him before, but not in a systematic, consistent way.

Meal times were the worst; he felt he was on full display for all the school - particularly the Slytherins. Snape was always watching him, glaring daggers, sneering from beneath his greasy black hair. Vengeful and hateful...Sirius would need to watch his back. However, it wasn't Snape that caused him to loose his appetite. His brother sat regally in the center of Slytherin Table. The new Black Heir; smug, pleased, and proud...and making Sirius feel sick. His brother had slipped into his new rule without a hiccup. He kept searching his brother's face, hoping to see some emotion, to see that his brother cared about his welfare at all. What did he really expect? Regulus had watched silently over the years as their parents' methods had become more drastic, and had done nothing. Why would this be any different?

Meal times were difficult for another reason. Remus would not sit with him, so that put James and Peter in the awkward position of where to sit. One of them would always be with him...and the other would sometimes join Remus and whatever group Remus had decided to join – the Gryffindor Girls, the Gryffindor Prefects etc. Clearly Remus didn't need them...didn't need him as a friend. At least with evening detentions he had an excuse to leave the Great Hall early.

The Professors treated him mostly the same. He'd been cleared for labor intensive detentions by Madam Pomfrey the first day back. The cut on his hand was mostly healed and no longer requiring a bandage. He did not mention the occasional light headedness he still experienced. Sometime he saw a glimmer a pity in their expressions; and Professor McGonagall and Professor Keenan specifically expressed their concern for his wellbeing. Not wanting any special treatment or sympathy, he countered this with insolence. That worked a bit too well...and he was given no leniency. He was still expected to keep up with his usual standard of work and deadlines. And when he did not, he was further punished. Professor McGonagall had already doubled his detention once because of it.

Peter was back to being his friend without any conversation. It might have bothered Sirius more if he wasn't already emotionally exhausted. It was also the reason he decided to corner Peter instead of James. Peter would be marginally more truthful. He grabbed his chance one morning; after Remus had left and while James was taking a shower.

"How is he?"

"Who?"

"Remus!" Sirius said, already feeling annoyed.

"Oh!" Peter looked frantically at the bathroom door as if willing James to intervene.

"He won't talk to me, look at me, so how is he?"

"Well...I don't know-"

"You sit with him during meals sometimes. You must have some idea."

"We can't talk about any of that in mixed company."

"What about all the other times?"

"Other times?"

"When I'm not here – in detention. Don't you hangout then?"

Peter shrugged. "He's been sort of avoiding James."

"Avoiding James? But why-"

"It's not my place to say."

"Come on, Peter. I don't want my feelings spared. Just say it."

"Look...I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what Remus is thinking – but I think you should distance yourself from James."

"What?"

"Not forever...but enough time to give Remus and James a chance to get over this."

There still seemed to be something that Peter was only hinting at. "Get over what?"

"That James choose your side."

"But he didn't!" Sirius growled. "He forgave me...he didn't-"

"It feels that way though...from the outside. Even if it's not true."

"Oh."

"You said you wanted the truth."

"Yes. Yes. Thanks." Sirius stood up. He stuffed his school things in his bag needing to desperately get out of the stuffy dorm.

"Where are you going?"

"Giving that space you suggested," Sirius said shortly. "See you in class."

He let the door slam behind him.

He didn't immediately spend less time with James. Mostly because he didn't want to, and partly because he hardly saw James as it was. Between detention, homework and studying, it felt like he had no free time. And James had his own obligations like Quidditch Practice. James and Peter were the only students he really interacted with in any meaningful way, and he needed that support.

His detention that evening did not start as planned. He'd been instructed to meet Professor Slughorn in the Potions Classroom. Slughorn had tutted when he'd arrived. "Back upstairs, Mr. Black. You can help Filch scrub the Entrance Hall. Students have been trekking mud in all day long."

"There's nothing I can help with here, sir?" Sirius asked hopefully. Sirius didn't usually want to stay in the Dungeons any longer than necessary, but detentions with Filch were the worst. He took pleasure in forcing miscreants to do menial work without magic.

"My Sixth Year NEWT Students are stopping by to finish up Draughts started in class, you'll be just in the way," Slughorn stated, dismissing him with a wave of his hand. "No dawdling or I'll hear about it."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Sirius muttered under his breath.

He started down the hall and around the corner he ran into the first group of NEWT Students heading to the Potions Classroom. Two Ravenclaw girls strolled by him giggling to each other, a lone Hufflepuff with his head down didn't glance at him, and his way was suddenly blocked by a gaggle of Slytherins. He recognized two of them immediately – Travers and Nott.

"Oi! Are you lost Black?"

"Did you get kicked out of Gryffindor Tower as well?"

The Slytherins erupted into raucous laughter.

"Let me through," Sirius said through gritted teeth trying to force his way...only to be pushed back. He was in no mood to deal with this nonsense.

"Only if you ask nicely," Travers said snidely.

Other sixth years were coming up behind them, but no one looked bothered by the audience.

"And show proper deference to your betters," Nott added.

"Let me through," Sirius repeated trying again to step forward.

"Returning to Hogwarts was a mistake," hissed Travers. He drew his wand as Sirius went to grab his. "Blood traitors belong in the gutters with the rest of the scum-"

"Let him pass," a loud, deep voice interrupted. "You lot have made your point. Over and over again. Last week. This week. He gets it. We all get it. Enough is enough."

Well, that was one way to silence a hallway.

Sirius vaguely recognized the boy, but he couldn't recall his name. He was in Hufflepuff with light brown skin and dark brown eyes. As the Slytherins stared the boy down, Sirius didn't waste the opportunity. He pushed his way past quickly and didn't bother glancing back behind.

"You're welcome?" The Hufflepuff called out after him, but Sirius ignored him.

He didn't think much about the intervention for the rest of the evening as Filch was gleefully waiting for him with a small brush and bucket of water.

"Scrub the floor clean, Black."

"Can I use a mop?"

"You'll use what I gave you!" Filch snarled. "Now give me your wand."

And Sirius was suddenly back in Grimmauld Place, his mother's face flashing before him, demanding he hand over his wand. On the surface there was very little similarity between highborn Walburga Black and Hogwarts Squibs Caretaker, but for their pleasure in his humiliation. He swallowed hard, his throat having grown parched, and he fumbled for his wand.

Filch snatched it away from him, and handed him the brush in its place. Sirius lowered himself to his knees feeling a flush creep up his neck.

"Not so high and mighty, eh Black?" Filch smirked. "If the floor isn't spotless when I return, you can try again tomorrow...with a toothbrush."

And because it was the safest place for his mind to go to – he would not think about his mother, Sirius spent the rest of the evening creatively thinking of all the ways he'd get back at the caretaker the next chance he got.

The next afternoon James had a Quidditch Strategy meeting during his free hour. In the past Sirius might have joined, but he needed the time to work on his Defense Essay and James had encouraged Peter to join him. They were walking back from the library when they witnessed two students colliding into each other –books and quills scattering everywhere. Sirius had headed over to help; as he tried to hand over one of the books he'd picked up, he received an unexpected reaction.

The girls' eyes had widened and she literally took two steps back from him as if he were contagious. "We don't need your help."

Sirius was brought speechless.

The other student had also turned red and refused to look him in the eye. He watched, somewhat bemused, as they gathered their belongings and scampered away.

"Wait - you forgot-" Sirius tried to call out after as he was still holding the book.

"Er - maybe I should return that to her," Peter said taking the book and slipping it into his bag.

"Do you know what that was about?"

"Jeremey Archer."

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"

"I would think so. He was attacked because of you."

"That can't be right..."

"Rumor is he stepped in when Nott and Travers-"

"Oh! That's Jeremey Archer?" Sirius exclaimed, thinking for the first time about the Hufflepuff. "He barely did anything...I didn't even need his help-"

Peter shrugged. "It was enough for Lestrange to curse him and declare that was the fate for any Pure Blood that took your side."

Sirius scoffed. "Sounds like Lestrange is scared."

"Yea, well everyone else is scared of Lestrange," Peter replied as the two continued down the hall.

Perhaps his self-imposed semi-isolation had caused him to be so self-involved that he hadn't stopped to think about the bigger picture battle going on. He'd known a percentage of the Pureblood students might involve themselves as he had brought shame to the Black family name and thus to the family name of all those he was related to. But he hadn't expected Lestrange to care if some Hufflepuff vaguely spoke up for him.

Still, it was a clever strategy loathe as Sirius wanted to admit. Find those brave enough to defend the blood traitor, squash them, scare anyone else out of siding with him, and then really go after him. And the Slytherins had demonstrated that it wasn't just scare tactics – by cursing Archer they had demonstrated they were ready to carry through with their threats.

"Wait..." Sirius said, suddenly remembering something. James had definitely mentioned a Jermey Archer being at the New Year's Eve Party. "Is that the same Jeremy Archer that Lily Evans is dating?"

"Nah they aren't dating... Archer's back with his on and off girlfriend. Evans and Archer went on one date – as friends- over the break. They are friendly from Charm's club."

"Merlin, Peter. How do you always know what's going on?"

Peter smiled. "I pay attention. And I listen," Peter said quietly. "People will tell you more than they want when you stay quiet and just listen."

"Are you alright?" James asked from across the table.

Sirius was still feeling odd about the whole Jeremey Archer situation. He hadn't asked anyone to come to his defense...and what was he supposed to do now that someone had and had gotten hurt because of it? Other students were avoiding him as much as they were avoiding Lestrange and his gang.

"Yea. Fine."

James must have not believed him because shortly after he felt a sharp kick to his shins. He looked at James who motioned slightly towards Peter. Sirius didn't quite understand until he saw Peter's normally straw-colored hair was a vibrant blue color. Noticing Sirius's gaze on him suddenly, Peter said, "What?"

"Er – nothing," Sirius said a small smile forming on his lips because now Peter's hair was a magenta pink.

By lowering his gaze Sirius could glimpse James's hidden hands under the table, one of them tightly around his wand. James was trying his best to look nonchalant. Peter looked sideways at James and back at Sirius. Peter's hair was now black and white like a skunk.

"Do I have something stuck in my hair?" Peter asked running a hand through it.

"No," Sirius said grinning; it was the truth after all.

Peter's hair was now flashing between purple and silver. Both Sirius and James were having trouble holding in their laughter. The flash of color was starting to attract attention around the Gryffindor table and the girls beside them were some of the first to notice. Peter was slowly turning red as more students began pointing and laughing towards him. The best part was no one was paying attention to him.

"What is going on? Why are they laughing at me?" Peter asked as his eyes darted around the Gryffindor table.

There was a movement at the far end of the table. Sirius saw Lily Evans stand up, revealing that Remus had been sitting beside her. As Lily made her way towards them Peter's hair was still continually turning color. Lily stopped in front of James her eyes looking from Peter's reddened faced and multicolored hair to James holding his wand underneath the table. Sirius waited expectantly for her to tell James off.

James ruffled his hair and threw Lily a cocky grin. "Can I help you, Evans?"

Sirius knew something wasn't quite right when Lily smiled sweetly at James. "This is for you Potter." She slapped down a folded piece of paper her arm brushing against James.

She straightened up and obviously feeling sorry for Peter told him, "Your hair is purple, Pettigrew."

"My hair? Purple?" Peter spluttered, frantically patting it as if that could change its color back.

"It's back to normal," James said with a dismissive tone.

Sirius watched Lily saunter away her long red hair flowing behind her. Facing James and Peter again, he could see James was still completely captivated by Lily. Concerned James would start drooling if he didn't break him out of his thoughts, Sirius cut in with, "Love note, James?"

"Huh?" James asked looking dazed.

Sirius just made a pointing gesture toward the unopened note in front of James.

James grinned looking like he'd just won the lottery and unfolded the note hurriedly. His grin crumpled and his face turned indignant. "Detention?" James bellowed as all eyes were riveted on him. "Evans! Detention?"

James sprung to his feet and quickly gained on Lily.

"Problem, Potter?" she asked hand on her hip and green eyes narrowed towards James.

"What's this detention for?"

Lily gave James a withering look. "Students are not allowed to do Magic in the Great Hall… and that includes everyone, even Quidditch players."

"That? That was just a bit of fun. Peter's my friend…and he didn't mind!"

(James hexed me? Peter mouthed at Sirius. Sirius waved his question away not wanting to miss the conversation.)

"Maybe we should ask Pettigrew if he considered that a 'bit of fun'?" Lily replied sharply.

"It was just for a laugh," James insisted. Sirius spotted McGonagall walking towards the pair, but James who had his back turned did not.

Lily looked unimpressed by his answer. "I don't think Professor McGonagall would agree."

"McGonagall?" James asked confused until he heard a familiar throat clearing; recognizing the sound of reprehension.

"Professor, I caught Potter changing Pettigrew's hair colors. I assigned him a detention for misuse of Magic, but he doesn't feel he deserves it."

"Is that what you were shouting about, Mr. Potter?"

"Yes, Professor," James answered managing to look contrite. Technically Magic outside the classroom, designated study areas, and House common room was against the rules.

"I hope you do realize breaking the same rule over and over again will not change it to the way you see fit. I'm overseeing Mr. Black's detention tomorrow you can serve your detention then."

"Yes, Professor," James said not looking cheery anymore. Lily, on the other hand, looked satisfied. James turned from the Professor and prefect and stalked back over to his seat. Sirius swore he saw Lily watch James a little longer than was necessary before she said something to McGonagall and exited the Great Hall.

"Reckon McGonagall is feeling ill? Putting us in detention together?" Sirius asked.

James laughed. "It has been ages, hasn't it?"

Peter was biting his lip. Now that Peter knew James had been the one to hex him, he seemed unsure whether to laugh along or be cross at James for using him for a quick joke. James must have sensed this because looking apologetic, he turned to Peter. "Sorry about that Peter…I just wanted to lighten the mood. You understand, right?"

Peter so surprised by the apology just muttered that it was ok and then asked, "Why is Gallagher glaring at you?"

James suddenly turned pale and cursed. Sirius looked over towards the middle where the Quidditch Captain was glowering in James's direction. "He's going to have my head. We were supposed to have the first Quidditch practice tomorrow night. Everyone full? Let's go before he murders me."

It was the next day when Sirius finally had his chance to talk with Remus.

He'd needed to use the bathroom while in the library during a free period. He pushed the door open and heard a pompous voice, "My father thinks there's something wrong with him…you know wrong with his head. He believes the Black's should have had Sirius committed to Saint Mungo's long ago-"

The boy stopped speaking the moment Sirius walked in. Sirius, not one to avoid confrontation, moved around the corner to find two Ravenclaws standing by the sinks. Sirius stared at them for a moment and they stared back silently. He recognized the one who'd been speaking; Kane, captain of Ravenclaw Quidditch team. He couldn't remember the other boy's surname. During the silence both Ravenclaws had slowly gripped their wands. If he wasn't on probation Sirius probably would have hexed them…and they knew it.

Instead, Sirius used the only arsenal he had at his disposal. "Funny you should mention your father, Kane, still paying back his gambling debts, isn't he?"

Sirius knew his comment had hit the mark as Kane stiffened, clenching his jaw. It was the one benefits of the constant tirade of gossip his mother like to spew about the other pureblood families.

"Let's get out of here," Kane told his friend.

The boys muttered something else about 'addled brains' as they exited, but Sirius ignored the comments. He took a deep breath and turned on the faucet. He splashed some water onto his face. It was then a door to another stall opened and Sirius found himself alone with Remus for the first time since before Holiday break. If Remus had been in the stall that meant he had not only heard what Sirius had, but whatever the two Ravenclaws had been saying before Sirius had walked in.

"Remus."

Remus's face remained expressionless. "Black."

"Don't know if I count as one anymore."

"Anything is better than what you think of me," Remus spat.

Sirius frowned. "What do you mean?"

Remus turned the faucet on and washed his hands, before taking a breath and facing Sirius. "A -" Remus eyes moved swiftly around bathroom confirming they were alone "- a monster you can just turn loose on your enemies."

"What?" Sirius yelped. "I don't think of you that way…I -"

"Actions speak louder than words," Remus stated coldly. The words silenced Sirius. He hadn't expected Remus to say that. He'd expected words about betrayal and trust, but not that. He didn't think of Remus as a monster; he'd never thought of him as a weapon. He wanted to say all that, his brain moving a mile a minute and his mouth unable to form the words. Remus stared at him intently and waiting...

"Don't punish James." The words were out of his mouth before he'd even thought about it.

Remus looked incredulously at Sirius.

"I'm the one you are angry with. Not him." Sirius continued. "James is doing his best, and he's trying. So, stop avoiding him."

Remus stared at him for a few moments. Then he shook his head, and Sirius was unable to read anything from those actions. He could only watch silently as Remus stepped out of the bathroom. He was left to wonder if he had just made huge mistake. Should he have taken the opportunity to beg forgiveness rather than talking about James?

It wasn't until the end of that day when he trudged into the common room exhausted from helping fill pots with manure for a first-year class with Professor Sprout that Sirius had his answer. He stepped through the portrait hole to see Remus pouring over homework on the same table as James and Peter. James beckoned Sirius over the moment he spotted him. Sirius shook his head. He wasn't going to join them.

He continued up to the dorm feeling strange, a mixture of relief and bitterness He now knew he'd done the right thing in pushing Remus toward fixing thing with James. It was a repentant gesture. He owed them both, even if Remus never did forgive him. Sirius collapsed onto his bed suddenly consumed with loneliness. He feared these feelings - bitterness and loneliness- might be two things he would have to learn to live with. He thought of all the good times the four of them had and knew he could not give into this fate just yet. There was still the chance Remus would forgive him and he had to hold onto that.