Paradigm Shift
Chapter 15: Love
He didn't actually mind working off hours. If he was doing something productive, he was more than willing to put in the time for the benefit of his career.
What he did mind was when he was assigned tedious work, tasks that could be given to anyone and did not necessarily require his specific expertise.
Tedious work was a major waste of his time, especially on weekends.
As his department was closing in on their latest deal, he had spent the majority of the past week cleaning up little administrative tasks to tie up any loose ends before the presentation. As a big picture person, focusing on micro details such as this was unbecoming.
On one hand, he knew that every person on his team was doing the same thing this weekend. Being in the youngest managerial position, he had no right to complain.
But as the sun shown offensively through the closed glass, he couldn't help but stare out of the wide, floor-length windows of his stuffy sitting room to the outdoors. He knew it was cold out there and that the central heating system was playing tricks on him, but he wouldn't mind getting a little cold if it meant he could look at anything other than the artificial light of his computer monitor.
He felt like a schoolboy, when he hadn't been allowed to play football with his mates until he had finished his homework.
Back in those days, he would disobey his mother and go outside anyway. He was tempted to do the same now, except they held bigger consequences in the adult world. He'd be holding his entire department back by not finishing, and Sora would kill him.
She was not in the happiest place with him after he had effectively ruined Valentine's Day earlier that week, even if she wouldn't admit it. Having lost their restaurant reservation due to he being late from working, they had spent an exorbitant amount of time looking for a restaurant that would seat them before giving up and resorting to eating convenience store meals in a playground because it was the only place where they could find a makeshift table. She insisted she didn't hate him, especially after he gifted her with a necklace that had cost him countless time researching the Internet, the longest shopping day of his life with his sister, and a figure that had his wallet wailing, but ultimately he knew it hadn't been the romantic outing she had wanted from him.
In an effort to appease her, he had agreed to join a double date with Matt and Mimi, which in terms of how much he wanted to do it was comparable to his current workload. The difference was that he would at least get some benefit from working, but he tried to tell himself that he at least was going to get some fresh air.
The doorbell rang. He ignored it, knowing it wasn't Sora, who had just texted him that she was still on her way, or Matt, who had walked out with his keys. It was probably his neighbour Urara, who was still bothering them, but when it rang again, he got up with annoyance.
His foul mood only deepened when he opened the door. No energy to even make an attempt, he simply groaned and turned back around. From the other side, Mimi held up a hand to stop the door from slamming in front of her face.
It astounded him that while Mimi was always late to meet him and Sora, she was early to meet Matt. This whole thing had been her bright idea. Originally a plan to go to the theme park, they had to resort to a festival just in the outskirts of the city after she found out that the theme parks were all closed for the winter.
His poor mood meant he didn't want to deal with Mimi voluntarily. Matt kept saying that Mimi didn't hate him as much as she led on, but he found that difficult to believe.
"Matt isn't home yet. I don't know where he is. I'm working, so don't talk to me."
"You are so rude," she snapped, walking right beside him even though there was plenty of space for her to be anywhere else. "This is why I can't stand Sora dating someone like you. She is so nice, and you're the definition of a jerk."
"Well, she is, so you're just going to have to get over it."
Even though he was staring directly at his computer screen, he could still see the corners her mouth rise upwards into a smirk, her eyelids lowering knowingly.
"Don't act so smug, Tai. She knows you are too, and that's why you aren't getting any." His back stiffening made her giggle loudly. "Sora tells me everything."
Jabs at him were expected, and the target for her jests was often this. Sora's refusal to do anything physical with him was something he struggled with beyond just sexual needs. He felt she didn't trust him, and usually not one to let others' opinions sway his, the teasing tone in which Mimi always spoke of it made it seem like Sora did the same when he wasn't around.
"That's fine. Matt tells me everything."
He felt Mimi always brought out this immature side of him. Perhaps because he found that she was a bit childish herself.
She appeared unfazed, peering onto his computer screen. "He tells me everything too."
He scoffed loudly, exaggerating his laugh. "You clearly don't know him at all. You may be his girlfriend, but I've known Matt since we were in school. He doesn't talk about himself. He probably doesn't tell you anything."
"Oh yeah? Like what?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, now obviously convinced of the same though she was unsuccessfully trying not to show it. She was so easy to read, opposite of Sora.
He didn't respond, pretending to read numbers in his Excel spreadsheet. Mimi reached in front of him, closing his laptop so he wouldn't be distracted.
"Like what? Try me, Tai."
Her actions made his blood boil. His first instinct was to snap at her, but he resorted instead to giving her what she wanted.
"All right then. How about this? You do realise you're a rebound, don't you?"
Sometimes, because Mimi was always so curt to him, he forgot how sensitive she actually was. He instantly softened seeing the genuine look of hurt on her face, knowing he had gone too far and wounded her feelings.
Before he could take back what he said, she recovered and retaliated.
"I guess we're the same then," she said angrily. "I bet Sora hasn't told you she still thinks about her ex-boyfriend too. She was always telling me how smart, romantic, and perfect he was. Imagine having to downgrade to someone like you."
"Nice try, but I'm not that insecure," Tai said, swivelling in his chair to open the laptop again. He knew his face was unchanged, but inside the sparks of doubt were igniting. So much so that he didn't notice the time that had passed that Mimi stared at his shoulder in silence, waiting for him to look at her.
In the time they didn't speak, he created an image of Sora's ex-boyfriend in his mind. He was as smart, romantic, and perfect as Mimi had described—no, as Sora had apparently once described. He couldn't imagine Sora using any of those words to describe him..
Jealousy was an emotion so foreign to him. So was the feeling of inadequacy.
Yet, Tai knew himself that he wasn't smart or romantic or perfect. He knew that Sora was all of these things, so it made sense that she looked for those same qualities in her boyfriends.
He thought back to when he first met her. His terrible first impression yet her willingness to provide him with a second chance. Her attraction to him had only been physical.
He felt a light tugging at his sleeve. He turned his neck slightly, seeing the top of Mimi's head with her arm outstretched, her slender fingers clutching his jumper so tightly that her knuckles were white.
"Is Matt using me?" she asked in a hushed whisper, her head still pointed downwards, locks of caramel curls shielding his view of her admittedly stunning face.
He peeled her fist effortlessly away from his, then held her by the shoulders firmly. As much as she bothered him, he knew it wasn't entirely unwarranted. He had wronged her, and while he didn't think he necessarily deserved the continual harassment, he knew he was projecting his disappointment with his work unfairly on her.
"Stop it. You know I was just trying to piss you off."
"He talks about her a lot. Every time we do anything, he always brings her up. Tell me he's over that girl, Tai. Tell me right now that he isn't using me."
Now she was staring at him, making it uncomfortable to lie, but he didn't have to.
"I'm sorry I said that. Matt's never called you a rebound, and he doesn't think of you that way. He isn't like that. I was just trying to make you mad because I hate you so much."
The last sentence made her smile a little bit, and she pushed him, almost making him lose his balance on his chair.
"I hate you more."
He laughed, trying to lighten the mood even though it had just taken an awkward turn. "Well, we're about to go on a double date, so we're both just going to have to deal."
The front door opened and Matt and Sora entered the flat. Tai, suddenly aware that he was still holding Mimi by the shoulders, quickly removed them and stood up. "Hey guys, what's up?"
He saw Matt's eyes dart between him and Mimi, but he made no comment. "We ran into the lift together. Sorry I'm late, Mimi."
She got up from the barstool as well, waltzing her way to him as she kissed him hello. The sadness she exuded earlier was gone, and it surprised Tai how easily and convincingly she could oppress it.
His gaze fell on Sora, who took off her coat upon entering. She was beautiful. He wondered how many men sought her before him. Evidently, only one other was good enough for her, and he had apparently been perfect.
"I was waiting too, you know," Tai pointed out to Matt, then, turning to Sora, "It's winter."
She looked down at her outfit. She was wearing a formfitting cream sweater dress, brown tights that weren't quite opaque and knee-high brown leather boots. Around her neck, he saw the piece of jewellery he had gotten her for Valentine's Day. Since then, the necklace was a ubiquitous part of her appearance.
"Yes, I know that," she answered with a frown that said she didn't understand what he was trying to say.
"So it's freezing," he continued, walking to her and feeling the material of her dress. "Although I still haven't a clue why we're going to a festival in the dead middle of winter, you're obviously going to be cold."
"I'll be fine, Tai. I have a coat."
"I know you're in the fashion industry, Sora, but nobody at this place is going to care about your outfit." He took her hand, giving it a firm tug so she'd follow him. "Come on, I'll give you another jumper."
"Tai!" she protested, though she let him drag her to his room with little effort.
He closed the door once they were both inside.
"Tai, I'm wearing a down coat, for crying out loud. I don't need another jumper—"
He interrupted her. "Tell me about your ex."
She frowned. "What?"
He walked to his wardrobe, not looking at her. He opened the doors, pretending to be looking for something. "You heard me. I want to know about your ex-boyfriend. I'm realising you never talk of him."
"I don't talk of him because it's weird to talk about an ex to your current boyfriend," Sora said in a way that made him realise how stupid he sounded.
"Well, I don't think it's weird," he sputtered. "I think it's weird you won't talk about him at all."
It was with tones like this that usually started their bickering, but rather than fight back, she approached him from the back, slipping her hands in the pocket of his jumper. "Tai, what's gotten into you?"
"You probably loved him a lot."
She grabbed his chin, turning his face so he was forced to look at her.
"You're being a child," she accused sternly, then, more gingerly, "I don't talk about him because there's nothing to tell. Tai, I'm dating you. I don't know why you're suddenly getting jealous over nothing, but I don't talk to him anymore."
Her efforts did little to soothe him, and he heard the harshness of his words as he asked, "Is that your choice?"
She let go of his face and pulled away from him. "You're crossing a line, Tai Kamiya."
He took a breath, grabbing a faded hooded jumper from the hanger and holding it to her. "I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me."
She would have usually berated his casual sense of style, but perhaps to pacify him, she put the grey jumper around her current outfit.
"How do I look?"
It was a jumper that was a size too big on him, so she was nearly swimming in it. He knew she hated it.
"Warm," he answered.
She took it back off, neatly folding it and opening a drawer to place it inside. "Why do you hang clothes like this? You should fold them."
"Because I'm lazy."
She took out another jumper from his dresser, an impossibly soft maroon one she had bought him. She put it over her current dress, gathering the fabric around her belly to make a knot, cinching it at her waist to give back her shape.
"I didn't realise you were the jealous type," she said, looking at her reflection instead of him.
He was looking at the same thing. "I'm not, but for all I know he was some perfect guy for you, and I'm just here to fill a void."
He felt like he was speaking for Matt, and it was true that Matt's influence on him had taken a toll, but after what Mimi had said, his intentions were much more selfish.
She sighed, turning to face him. "Tai, he was anything but perfect, okay? He's not in the picture anymore, and I'm not sure why you're suddenly thinking about him, but there's nothing to be jealous about. He's had a girlfriend for years, and I have you."
"But you loved him."
She frowned. "Yes, Tai, obviously, I loved him. We dated for six years. It doesn't mean I can't get over it. I'm sure you've loved other girls too."
"I haven't."
She rolled her eyes at him.
"I haven't," he repeated with more vigour. "You never believe anything I say."
"I believe you, so you believe me too, okay? I'm with you now." She wrapped her arms around his neck, again attempting to coax him out of his mood. "Anyway, if it makes you feel better, you're much better looking than him."
He frowned. "I'm much better looking than a lot of people. Tell me something else."
"You're more charming."
He nodded in agreement. "It is one of my better traits."
"Along with humility, right?" She laughed, pecking his lips. "He was taller though."
"I'm a very respectable height," he countered, kissing her again until she pulled away.
"So you're going to stop talking about him?" she said, posing it as a question though it was a request.
He nodded and looked at her new outfit, wanting to start a new conversation to make her forget earlier. "Of course you pick the one you got me. You hate all my clothes."
"I don't hate all your clothes. I picked this one because it's cashmere. You wanted me to be warm, didn't you?"
"I guess, but if I get cold, I'm taking it back."
"Always a gentleman," she said sarcastically.
He walked to the door, dramatically making a show of opening the door for her. "Let's go before Mimi freaks out."
They went back to the lounge and found she wasn't freaking out, as she was much too busy smothering Matt on the couch.
"Get up," Tai demanded, kicking Matt's leg to make their presence known.
"Ow," Matt grunted.
Mimi slid off her boyfriend. "What took you two so long?"
"It took me this long to find anything decent to wear in public. You should see Tai's wardrobe," Sora said, shaking her head.
"I'd rather kill myself," Mimi declared with a roll of her eyes. "Okay, let's go!"
Tai nudged Sora as Mimi flew out of the flat, Matt following her. "Why can't you be all over me like that?"
She pushed him out the door, not answering him.
"Who's going to drive?" Tai asked Matt in the car park as they approached their cars. They were beside each other.
"Forgot my keys upstairs," Matt answered, reaching for Tai's car door.
Tai rolled his eyes, swearing under his breath. How Matt managed to "forget" his keys so often was beyond him. "I guess I will then."
He swore again when Matt opened the door for Mimi, whereas he popped directly into the driver's seat, leaving Sora to get in by herself.
If Sora didn't notice, Mimi wouldn't let it go. She leaned forward in her seat so she was right by Tai's ear.
"Always thinking of Sora first," she commented loudly.
"You can drive yourself," he warned, earning him a light hit from Sora.
"Smile, Tai. This is supposed to be a fun day."
"A cold day," Tai muttered, cranking up the heat as he pulled out of the car park.
Sensing he was annoyed that she was siding with her friend, Sora turned around to Mimi. "Isn't Tai so sweet to drive us all?"
"Thank you, Tai," Mimi sang from the back.
From his rear-view mirror, he saw her cosying up beside Matt. He turned to Sora to signal for her to look, but she was pulling up directions on her mobile.
"No hooking up in my car."
Mimi shot him a frown, but Matt ignored him.
"You know what I love about you?" Mimi gushed, getting even closer to her boyfriend. "You're mature and don't let Tai's antics get to you."
His eyes had started rolling as soon as she said her first sentence, and by the time she had finished speaking, he was geared to make fun of them both. His words halted on his tongue upon seeing the look on Matt's face. Because Matt was the way he was, his expression never looked truly relaxed, and oftentimes people would misinterpret when he was content as irritation. The difference was slight, but Tai could see that Matt had stiffened, though Mimi paid it no mind.
He wouldn't bring attention to it now with Sora and Mimi in the same enclosed space, but he made a mental note to do it later. He changed the topic to the first thing that came to his mind.
When Matt said he wanted to use the toilet right before they entered the park where the festival was taking place, suddenly the girls needed to go too.
Tai had no need, but he followed the group just so he wouldn't be by himself. As the girls went inside, Matt walked behind the side wall of the men's toilet.
"The entrance is over there," Tai told him, but Matt wasn't listening, pulling a cigarette from his wallet.
Tai frowned. "Really?"
Matt lit it, taking a long drag. "Mimi hates that I smoke, so I have to hide them."
"So do I, but that hasn't stopped you from being obvious about it in front of me." Despite the snarky tone, he gave him a teasing grin. "I guess that's another thing she loves about you."
To his surprise, Matt shoved him hard on the shoulder.
"What the hell?"
"That's not fucking funny," Matt snapped at him.
"Chill the fuck out."
Matt, too irritated to respond, took another drag, while Tai hovered beside him. For whatever reason, Tai did not pester him, until he quietly announced a few minutes later that the girls were there.
He threw the cigarette on the floor to put it out, but he knew she had already seen.
"I wish you'd stop smoking," she said as soon as she walked up to him. She took out a small tube of hand cream, which she always gave him to get rid of the scent.
He held out his hands willingly and rubbed the floral-scented cream onto his skin. "I will."
It was a flat-out lie. He had already tried to stop at her request, but he couldn't. The stress wasn't worth the attempt, though he did try not to do it around her. It was shameful to him that his willpower was no match for a drug.
"I don't smoke," Tai bragged to Sora.
She shushed him, and they went into the park. As a neighbourhood festival, it wasn't much in terms of extravagance. It was no comparison to the theme park Mimi had wanted, but it sufficed for her nevertheless.
There were rows and rows of simple, colourful game booth, which were supposed to be fun but somehow turned into an intense battle of aggression between him and Tai. Tai always brought out an ugly competitive streak in him, but Sora eventually broke them up, scolding them both for their behaviour but looking pleased when Tai gifted her with his first place prize, some dodgy stuffed animal that would be unwanted anywhere else.
Past the booths toward the back were kiddie rides put up mostly for the entertainment for children, though these were the reason Mimi had wanted to come. They rode every ride even though they were nearly too big for them, Mimi squealing with each jerk of the mechanics.
There was a big wheel at the far end, which reminded him of home, which reminded him of Megumi. This big wheel was significantly smaller but painted in a circus of bright colours too similar to the uniform rainbow of Daikanransha. Even Tai brought attention to this.
"The one we have in our hometown is better than this one," he said to Sora. "I'll take you sometime."
"Take me too?" Mimi turned her head to ask Matt hopefully.
He nodded yes, then suggested the walk to the other side where the petting zoo was. He didn't have an affinity for touching animals, but he didn't want to think about his hometown or go on the big wheel.
The small petting zoo instantly became Mimi's favourite attraction. She knelt down to every animal, taking her time to nuzzle each one as Matt watched her.
From the corner of his eye, he could see Tai laughing as a goat repeatedly kept jumping on his thighs.
"He's such a kid," Mimi said to him as she got up from snuggling a docile lamb. "Pun intended."
He knew that Tai and Mimi weren't the biggest fans of each other. Out of selfishness, he had always been okay with this. He and Mimi never talked about her previous tryst with Tai, but it wasn't something he had just forgotten. He wondered how Sora dealt with it, given that her relationship with Tai was much more serious.
Hearing nearly everything about their relationship from Tai's point of view meant that he had a very one-sided perception of everything. According to Tai, they always fought, and she was always upset with him. As an optimist, Matt assumed Tai was actually playing it down, but seeing them today, it made him think they were either really good at hiding their differences or Tai was being dramatic.
From what he could tell, they were in sync. It was strange in a way, as he had never seen Tai like that with a girl before. He supposed Tai wouldn't settle down with just anyone, but it was still extraordinary to him that he was even capable of being with anyone long-term.
Nevertheless, it was satisfying to know there was at least one thing in the world that the ever confident Tai Kamiya could be self-conscious about.
"What do you want to eat?" Matt asked Mimi as they made their way to the food area, the final leg of the festival. He looked at the array of overwhelming signs, wondering which one would become his lunch.
"Sora! Sora!" Tai was yelling, raising his arm above the crowd to serve as a beacon for her to better see him. "Oden over there!"
Sora, who had definitely been the most relaxed in the group the whole day, lit up at his announcement.
"Right?" Tai said without a single word from her, taking her reaction as confirmation. "I'll get the food. You get the drinks. We meet back at the table in five, and I'm starting without you if you aren't here."
"Kirin?"
"Obviously. Go, go!"
And the two scattered frantically.
"What's wrong with them? You'd think they'd never seen oden at a festival," Mimi mumbled. She looked up to him again. "What are you in the mood for?"
He shrugged.
She took a hold of his hand, warm compared to how cold Megumi's always were.
"Let's just walk around until we find something."
They started their stroll amongst the tight crowd. Matt pointed to a stand full of grilled fish. "Shioyaki?"
"I hate that stuff. It's too salty." While he absorbed the new piece of information, she pointed to another. "What about sweets?"
"This is our lunch. Don't you want something savoury?"
"But look at it!" she wailed. "Everyone loves sweets!"
He didn't, but he must have never mentioned this to her. He let her have his way, and the two of them queued for the chocolate- and candy-covered fruit that she wanted.
He knew it was a fairly new relationship, but he had never taken notice of just how new it was until placed beside another couple. Throughout the day, he could feel the difference between Tai and himself. It wasn't a particular event but an overview of their nuances that made him see just how early he was in his own relationship.
It embarrassed him that of all people, it was Tai who made him see this.
He felt their roles reversed. Tai knew Sora's specific preferences, while he and Mimi still struggled with their basics. It seemed just yesterday that he would come home with his and Megumi's favourite takeout, while Tai was off to meet his random stranger for the night.
He didn't hate his new life anymore, but it was very different. He looked to a future he could not yet see, one where he and Mimi had tenure, finding comfort in imagining an existence more similar to one he once had.
"You're late," Sora said as Tai made his way back to them.
"Matt and I've already finished," Mimi said pointedly.
"Give me a break. The queue was massive," Tai protested, setting down disposable dinnerware between him and Sora. "I bought oden and takoyaki because the girl who was selling the takoyaki let me try one, and it tastes like heaven."
"Why are you talking to random girls?" Sora asked him with feigned annoyance.
"She talked to me," Tai corrected, pushing the plate to her. He held one up to her. "Anyway, it isn't important. Try it."
"Barf!" Mimi said, pretending to gag. "Why is he trying to feed you?"
Sora pulled her head back, smirking at him. "He's just trying to distract me so he doesn't have to tell me why he's talking to random girls."
"Tai talks to a lot of random girls," Matt offered.
"I can vouch for that," Mimi finished.
Tai cut in. "Okay, I hate all of you. I try to do a nice thing, and I get attacked. This isn't fair."
Sora laughed, reaching forward to bite into the snack. She let out a content sigh to show that it was indeed delicious.
"Right?" Tai said happily, throwing an arm over her shoulder and using the other to reach for another. "It's crazy good." He slid the plate in the other couple's direction to offer them some too. "Try some."
"We're full," Mimi said as Matt reached for one. She turned to him, who had taken half a bite and was offering the rest to her. "Let's go to the photo booth while these two finish eating."
Mimi had kept mentioning this photo booth throughout the day, which for some reason unbeknownst to Tai had queues comparable to the one for the big wheel. She insisted these pictures were necessary as souvenirs and would solidify their statuses as cute couples. He refused to see the logic behind that because there was none.
Matt, however, nodded in agreement, finishing off the rest of the takoyaki when Mimi didn't take it. He took another and stood up, allowing her to lead the way.
"Finally," Tai muttered in exasperation before leaning to his side to kiss her.
She pushed him away. "Tai!"
"Nobody's looking at us, and I haven't kissed you all day. Just give me one, Jesus Christ. People are going to think I'm sexually assaulting you."
She glowered at him but laughed when she saw him mimic her. She gave him a small peck on the lips.
"Good enough," Tai said with satisfaction, picking up a piece of fishcake from the oden. "I'm just happy we don't have to queue for that photo booth."
"It could have been cute," Sora argued, picking up an egg. "Maybe we'll regret not getting one later."
"Doubt it," Tai muttered. "It's way too long. Nobody should have the time for that."
Talking about the lack of time made him think of his unfinished work at home and the consequences it would cause his team. He brushed them away, remembering something else that he had been meaning to tell Sora.
"I forgot to mention this to you earlier, but my company is doing an employee appreciation picnic," he said to her. "They do it every year when the weather gets nice around hanami. It's free food and drinks. Do you want to go?"
She looked up, interested. "Am I allowed to go?"
"It's for employees and family," he said with a shrug. "People spend the whole time trying to get gossip on everyone's personal lives, so I'm going to say that extends to girlfriends too. It'll be fun. You can meet my work colleagues, but there are going to be children running around too."
She failed to hide how pleased she was, her smile betraying her attempted sense of aloofness.
"Can I barter information I know about you for information they know?" she asked, linking arms with him.
"You're not invited anymore."
She laughed. "Okay, I'm sorry I suggested it. I'm excited to see how people think of you at work."
"People love me at work. I'm a likeable guy." He looked down at the oden, a lone fishcake remaining. He would leave that for her. He held out his fist. "Rock-paper-scissors to see who gets dessert?"
"Fine."
At first, she had been resistant to such childish measures, but when it became evident that she would always win, she started to agree.
True to form, she won the first round.
"Two of out three?" he asked.
She humoured him and beat him again.
"Exactly," she said, satisfied. She pushed him out of his seat. "Now go get us something good."
He groaned, balancing himself to stand upright. "I don't get it. How do you always win?"
"Because you always pick scissors, you dummy." She stood up with him, picking up the last fishcake and giving it to him. "Eat it. I don't want it."
He grinned widely, following her to queue at the nearest dessert booth. "This is what makes me really care for you."
She turned around, a cheeky smirk on her lips.
"You could even say you love me," she hinted.
He knew his face betrayed him when he saw her cheeks, already rosy from the wintry wind nipping at their skin, tinge a shade pinker.
"I could," he answered, deciding it was better to acknowledge it than to pretend he hadn't heard it.
She pulled her hood over her head, blowing warm air to her hands. He saw puffs of her breath vaporise in thin air.
"Cold?" he asked, wondering if she wanted to change the subject. He took out the hot pack he had been holding in his pocket and handed it to her.
She shook her head no. "Are you one of those guys who hate saying 'love'?"
"No, I don't mind saying it," he answered with a shrug, slipping the hot pack into her coat pocket anyway.
She didn't say anything more than a thank you, though he didn't need her to tell him to know what she was thinking.
She wanted to know why he had never said it in the five months they were together.
Love.
In his opinion, people made way too big a deal of a four-letter word and a three-word sentence.
I love you.
It was an easy thing to say, and he had no problem saying it. I love you, Mum. I love you, Dad. I love you, random drunk bloke at the bar who just understands me right now.
He could say it to just about anyone, really. On command too.
He remembered his little sister back when she first thought TK would say it to her. She had made a huge ordeal out of it. She had wanted a fairy tale, complete with sparks flying in the perfect moment. While he had never asked Kari about how it went, he was sure that was what TK had given her.
On the other hand, the first time he had said it was to his high school girlfriend. He was young and wanted to sleep with her, but she wanted to wait until marriage. His friends had advised that if he wanted to speed up the process, all he had to do was tell her that he loved her. He did, and she was so moved that she slept with him that very night. It became his favourite phrase for the course of that adolescent yet tumultuous relationship, a magic spell.
The thing was that he had never meant it. He only said it for what she would give him, and he thought just by saying it, and her being happy, it was okay.
It was different this time.
"I don't want to ruin whatever fairy tale you've made in your head."
She furrowed her brow, not following his thought process. "What?"
"I know you hated that I ruined Valentine's Day."
This was a conversation they already had, but she reached out to squeeze his hand. "I loved Valentine's Day, Tai. I wanted to see you, and I saw you. It was enough. I've said this to you before."
"I know it wasn't what you originally wanted," he corrected. "I'm not going to do the same now and tell you I love you in the middle of a dodgy festival."
The look of confusion disappeared off her face. She had thought they had moved on to a new topic. "Tai, we're adults. I'm not looking for a fairy tale. I liked our Valentine's Day in a playground, and I don't need a planned out event just for you to tell me you love me."
"But it'd be nice," he spoke for her.
"Stop it," she said in that scolding voice of hers. "I'm not like that. I don't know what gave you the impression that I am."
"I guess I think you're entitled to it," he grumbled so she could barely make out what he was saying.
She nudged him. "Stop being so emotional. I love you too, Tai."
He wanted to take the moment seriously, but it was new to him, so he resorted to what was easier for him.
"Sora! I'm meant to say it first. Why would you take that away from me?"
"Don't be such a misogynist. You know I hate that."
He frowned, though inside he was relieved. His pride dictated that he should have told her first, but in actuality he needed her to say it.
It was also his pride that made him joke instead of respond in a more heartfelt manner. It was probably what she wanted, and in reality he wanted it from himself too.
"You could have at least done it right. Give me a present or something."
It was times like this that he still thought of himself as distant from being an adult, but Sora, once perplexed by his facetious demeanour but now understanding him, handed him the stuffed animal he had won for her earlier. "There you go."
"You're regifting this?!" he cried.
"I don't want it."
"I don't either. I want a bigger one."
She rolled her eyes. "This is more traditional than eating packaged food in a playground for Valentine's Day, mister."
He grinned, putting her hand and his in his coat pocket. "You said you didn't mind that."
"Yeah, but I think it's kind of cute that you do." She puckered her lips to him, telling him to kiss her.
He didn't move. "You hate PDA."
She gave a shrug. "Nobody's watching."
He was glad to be home. He was not a fan of crowded festivals to begin with, and with Mimi suddenly dropping the bomb that was the l-word, he had essentially carried on the day counting down the hours until they would leave.
She had obviously meant it lightly, and so he too should have taken it as such, but the thought kept lingering.
He was lying down on his bed, watching her as she rummaged through her handbag for something.
"Come here," he said, stretching out his arm to beckon her to him.
She didn't, still rummaging until she took something out of her bag, holding it flat to her chest. "Do you have tape?"
He was going to simply instruct her as to where to find it, but feeling that would be too lazy of him, he swung his legs out of bed and walked to his desk, pulling a roll of tape from the first drawer.
She took the roll from him, stepping onto his bed. "Your room depresses me. It's too dark, and you haven't got a single decoration."
"Your room gives me a headache because there are too many decorations," he countered.
"Well, I was featured in a magazine in New York for my sense of room style, so I think my opinion is more valid," she teased. She put the photo booth picture they had taken earlier to the centre of his bedframe, holding it approximately a metre higher. "What do you think?"
He stared at the picture, the small size of the photo not proportional against the vast expanse of his wall. It looked off. The photo booth had taken four pictures at what he was sure were random intervals, though Mimi had gotten the pose right in each one. His face carried the exact same blank expression in all four frames, while she had carefully planned each four to be different: smile, lips to his cheek, sticking out her tongue, wink. He liked the second one the best.
"It's nice."
She frowned. "Can't you sound a bit more enthusiastic?"
He climbed back into bed, sitting beside her legs. "It's nice!"
She rolled her eyes at him, then turned her attention back to the picture.
"I'm your girlfriend, but you don't have a single picture of me anywhere."
He didn't respond, watching her instead as she carefully pasted it on his wall, the lone piece of decoration on his navy wall. He had thrown away the others during his breakup.
He still regretted it. He wished he could have something more of her than a broken memory.
Mimi jumped off the bed when she finished, though he pulled her back in an instant.
"Were you weirded out by me today?" she asked as she sat beside him.
"What do you mean?"
"You started acting weird ever since I said I loved something about you. You know I wasn't trying to say anything by it, right?"
"I wasn't acting weird."
"You're always kind of weird, but you definitely changed after I said that." She put a hand to his chest. "I didn't mean anything by it. It's an expression. I say things like that all the time."
He frowned. "Well, don't you?"
"Don't I what?"
"Don't you love me?"
Her doe eyes widened, her hand dropping down to her side. Always so talkative, she was at a loss for words now.
"I feel like you're asking me a trick question."
"I'm not."
"Well, you're making me feel nervous, so let's move on and talk about something else."
"Like what?"
She leaned in to him. She eased into a slow kiss, cupping his face and allowing him to pull her down on the bed with him.
The feeling he felt for Mimi was familiar yet vastly different at the same time. Feelings he once thought only Megumi could bring out in him were reappearing with someone else.
For months, he knew he had put a burden on Tai by being so closed yet demanding so much. A true friend, Tai had teetered on this paradox for his sake, juggling Matt's external anger and internal turmoil, knowing it was what he had needed. While it shamed him to have seen the dark shadow of his youth rear its ugly head, he was grateful to have Tai. They were very different people, but he had found throughout the years that despite their dissimilarities, they knew each other best. While Tai was good-natured and could become close with just about anyone, Matt could count in one hand the number of people he had ever let see anything past the outer layer of him. His father for having raised him, Megumi, his brother later when their three-year age difference became negligent, and Tai.
Mimi, a girl he had only barely known, was the first person since Tai to unlock that.
He was still unsure what had drawn him to her. She reminded him of the kind of girls he had avoided in high school.
He liked her for being such a stark contrast to him. He had always believed he needed to be with someone similar to him, but he supposed that had never been true. Megumi, TK, and Tai were all more outgoing than he was.
Perhaps he didn't need a reason. He liked her because he liked her, and that was enough.
She came with a most frightening guilt, however.
It didn't seem right to love someone so quickly after being so in love with someone else. Mimi was the first person he thought of in the mornings and the last person he talked to at nights, but Megumi was still there in between, the tomb of their dead relationship haunting his dreams.
He had always thought Megumi was the only woman for him, and he for her. Her memory was becoming less frequent, but they were still too engrained in him to disappear all together. He wondered if she too had found a new happiness with another person.
He wondered whether their story had truly ended, or whether they'd look back thirteen additional years from now and realise they had lost time searching for something they had already had.
Tai, never one to beat around the bush, had accused him multiple times already for using Mimi to get over Megumi. It simply wasn't true, but Tai had once in a juvenile attempt to make him see otherwise asked who he would pick if he had the choice.
It was the classic game of this-or-that. Usually used to pick between parents, this had always been an easy choice for him, but between Megumi and Mimi, it became harder.
Megumi or Mimi, who would you choose? Tai had demanded.
He had stormed off without answering, of course, but he had thought about it. The answer did not come as easily as he had once thought it would. He didn't know what was worse: that he couldn't pick the girl he had grown up with or that he didn't automatically pick the girl he was currently with.
He had once thought he and Megumi had an impenetrable wall that nobody could infiltrate, yet Mimi was tearing it down with each passing day. He didn't want to be sad over her anymore, but it was petrifying that something he once thought was so indestructible could in fact be forgotten.
He knew one was not meant to pick when someone asked to pick between their mum and dad, but he had always had a clear answer whenever someone asked. Perhaps that's why he kept thinking about it, allowing such a stupid question from Tai's mouth linger in his mind much longer than it needed to.
He watched Mimi doze off beside him, deciding then that a budding romance simply couldn't compete to thirteen years.
He was attracted to her. He was entertained by her. He enjoyed her company, and she made him happy.
But he was not in love with her.
21 November 2015
Digimon tri. is out, I'm living in Odaiba until the end of the year, and Matt is wearing a Union Jack vest. I haven't watched the new Digimon yet, but if those three things don't call for an update, I don't know what does.