Paradigm Shift
Chapter 18: Trust Issues
Tai could say he had never really concerned himself with fashion. It was something very insignificant to him, but the only time he sort of cared about what he was wearing was in front of colleagues. The weekdays were easy; his company policy was business formal, and therefore he was required to wear a suit.
When it came to company events outside of the normal working hours, however, he struggled. Too casual, and he risked them seeing him as young. Too formal, and he looked like a stickler.
Luckily, this time he had a girlfriend who cared more about his outer appearance than he ever had. Rather than risk her telling him off for his clothes, he had asked her to pick for him. She came over in a pale yellow sundress with white espadrilles on her feet, joking they should match and laughing when he took her seriously and told her he didn't own a yellow shirt.
Though she had memorised his entire wardrobe by now, she rummaged through everything he owned, making comments now and then about his lack of organisation. He didn't even realise there was a correct way to organise clothing aside from separating clean and dirty, and even that was a feat only accomplished a few years earlier.
"I'm bored," he complained from his bed. He had lied down when Sora began her scavenger hunt nearly ten minutes ago. In his opinion, this had gone on approximately nine minutes too long.
She didn't respond.
"I'm bored," he repeated, louder.
She looked over at him, looking annoyed by his pestering. "What do you want me to do, Tai?"
"We could make out," he suggested.
She turned her head back to his wardrobe, ending that conversation.
He sprung up from his bed, walking over to her. "I feel like you're putting too much thought into this. Nobody is going to notice what I'm wearing." He leaned down to her ear, nipping it. "Let's fool around."
She glanced in his direction. "Matt's home."
He rested his chin on her shoulder. "So?"
"So I don't want him to hear us."
"You don't want him to hear us… kissing," he repeated, unable to believe it. "It's not like we're having wild sex. He's not going to hear. He's probably still asleep."
"I'm uncomfortable."
He rolled his eyes, knowing she wasn't looking, then clenched his jaw so he wouldn't say something that would get him in trouble. He was saving that for later, but he was going to wait as long as possible before he would be forced to tell her.
Getting impatient by how long it was taking her to pick out his outfit, he took out the first thing he could reach: a pair of shorts. "I'll wear this."
He learned seconds later that while spring was now in motion, the thought of going to any company function in shorts was, in her opinion, out of the question, and at his age he should have already known this. She snatched it back and opted for a button down and trousers, which had been his initial suggestion, though he didn't dare point this out to her.
She held the outfit she had picked out to his body. "What do you think?"
He nodded without really thinking it over, wanting to leave. "It's great."
She looked pleased and reached up to peck him.
"Matt probably heard that," he muttered. He started to pull up his current t-shirt and stopped himself. "May I change in front of you, or does that make you uncomfortable too?"
She ignored his comment and instead went to pick up the crème blazer she had brought, putting it over her shoulders and adjusting it over and over again. Since she hadn't said anything, he switched his clothing and caught her looking twice.
"You were checking me out," he pointed out as they finally left his flat.
She shrugged her shoulders at him. "You're my boyfriend. Am I not allowed?"
"You are. I liked it. You should do it more often since my teenage self worked hard to get you this body."
She rolled her eyes and pushed his back, forcing him to walk faster. He glanced behind to see a rosy tinge on her cheeks, stopping just short of teasing her.
They took the metro despite his car being right there, he using the excuse that parking would be difficult when in actuality he just wanted more people around them. It would influence her to react better that way.
Crammed into the tiny space, he was pressed against her, a nervous thought he had been avoiding telling her finally forming into words.
"I should probably mention that my ex-girlfriend works at my company. She'll probably be there."
There it was. She was glaring now, centimetres away from his face. He had expected this.
"Why would you just mention this to me now?" she demanded. Her voice was soft because they were in public, but he could tell she was forcing herself not to raise it.
"I forgot about it," he lied.
"You forgot that you work with an ex-girlfriend?" she asked, seeing through him.
"We weren't that serious, it was a long time ago and we don't talk to each other anymore."
"Tai—"
"She works in another department on a different floor. Unless I make a concerted effort to see her, I only see her in the lift, and she always just pretends she doesn't know me."
"Tai—"
This time, reaching their stop interrupted her. He took her hand and led her out of the station to the exit in front of Yoyogi Park where the event was taking place.
"This is going to be awkward, I know it," she complained angrily. "It's just like you too to not say anything. Why am I not the least bit surprised?"
"You seem a little surprised," he said with a smirk that was wiped off his face with one fierce look from her. "We probably won't run into each other. We've had other company outings, and we just don't acknowledge each other. I'm only letting you know as a preventative measure."
"A preventative measure? You call telling me five minutes before the start of your work event a preventative measure? You better believe we're going to talk about this later," she warned dangerously. "I can't believe you. Honestly, what were you thinking keeping this from me?"
"I wasn't 'keeping' it from you per se…"
"Somehow, I find it difficult to believe the thought never crossed your mind. Even you couldn't be so unaware."
"I love you?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm so mad at you right now."
But he could tell she was only annoyed, so it had gone better than planned. Hand-in-hand, they walked into the area of the park where several hundred of his colleagues were. They were all out of their work element, showing off significant others, children, and what they looked like outside a smart suit. He was used to seeing his work friends in a casual setting, though it was unsettling to see one of his superiors dressed down in drabby shorts.
He pointed the shorts out to Sora, who paid him no attention. Instead, she awed at the sight of the cherry blossoms, pointing at the clusters of pink petals adorning the overhead of the park.
"They're so pretty this year!" she exclaimed, taking a picture of them.
"Not as pretty as you," he said automatically, his attention scanning the area for his work mates.
He laughed as she pinched him, then yelped when she pressed down harder.
"Ow," he whinged, jerking his arm back and rubbing the spot. "That really hurt."
"Good," she said with a hint of touchiness. "Don't forget that I'm still angry with you."
"Come on," he pleaded, nudging her playfully. "Today is supposed to be a happy day. Look, how about I take a photo of us? You like that, don't you?"
She didn't say anything, so he took out his phone, attempting to position it so that he and Sora were both in frame, struggling when she also demanded that the cherry blossoms be in view as they were the entire point of the photo.
"I thought you and I were the point of the photo."
"Just get the trees in frame, Tai."
An eye for photography was a talent he did not possess. Though it was never something that had ever really crossed his mind, never had his lack of skill been more evident than when he started dating Sora. She was usually unsatisfied with the majority of the pictures she forced him to take, yet she still seemed to believed his longer arms were the reason why he should take them every time.
"I didn't know you were such an expert selfie taker, Kamiya."
Shima had come to up them, and by the look on his face it was clear he was more interested in seeing Sora than he was in seeing him. Tai had told his work mates in advance that he was bringing his girlfriend in order to wean the shock, and indeed Shima didn't offer any particular reaction as he introduced himself to her. However, having rarely been interested in Tai's personal life outside of their happy hour escapades, going out of the way to talk to her was unlike him.
"So you're the elusive girlfriend we've heard so much about," Shima started, unusually friendly for his regular self unless it was a girl he was interested in. "Kamiya has said so much about you—all positive, I assure you—but we were starting to believe you didn't exist."
He made a note to thank Shima later, as Sora did seem a bit happier upon hearing that he at least talked about her.
Granted, it only started once he knew for a fact that they would meet, but he had nevertheless, and it was enough.
He participated minimally as Shima and Sora discussed him at his expense, not really minding as long as she was distracted enough to not be angry with him. He knew he should had known better—and he had in fact known better—than to hide Kiko for as long as he did, but in all honesty he had been nervous that she would explode. Not that he necessarily thought there was something wrong in having an ex-girlfriend, which he wanted to point out, but it would have only caused more trouble. Come to think of it—
Lost in his thoughts, he was brought back to the real world as a trio of his work mates came up to them, one giving him a hard slap on the back before demanding an introduction. He was surprised when Shima did the honours for him, and one of his colleagues made a swift joke at her attractiveness compared to his own unattractiveness.
"I'm a lucky guy," he offered to the conversation.
Sora pinched him, as she always seemed to believe he was joking. He put his hand around hers, pulling her vise-grip away from his skin but keeping it enclosed in his, which she tried to break the hold of immediately.
One after another, his mates invited other colleagues into the conversation until there was a small group of ten or so surrounding them, all now associating him with Sora. Though he worried whether it was overwhelming for her, he was quite pleased in knowing she was being received well.
Until now, he had only ever introduced her to Matt, Kari, and TK, but she held her own despite being bombarded with people from his work life. It wasn't that he had ever doubted her, but he had experience from dating Kiko that all of his colleagues talked. Whether it was to his face, his work mates, or strangers, he knew from experience he'd soon be a topic of gossip. To this day, they were still guessing the real reason he and Kiko had broken up, and that had happened ages ago.
Sora was listening to one of his co-workers speak, and he was distracting her by trying to hold her hand, though she kept pulling away. He had attempted for what seemed to be the hundredth time when he saw a senior manager he wanted to greet from the corner of his eye.
"Sorry guys," he interrupted, taking Sora by her arm instead. "Sora and I are just going to greet Masuda, then we'll be back." As they walked away, he frowned at her. "Are you not letting me touch you because of the ex-girlfriend thing?"
She frowned too. "No, I'm not letting you because I don't want to be touchy in front of your colleagues I just met."
"I've literally seen all of them make out. I'm sure they won't be shocked to see me holding your hand."
"I don't care."
"For crying out loud, just hold it so they don't all know you actually hate me."
"No, because I am still annoyed about your ex-girlfriend." He flinched when she turned fiercely to him, though she didn't actually look upset. "Point her out to me. I want to see what she looks like."
"I don't see her," he stated, which was true only because he hadn't made any sort of effort to find her. "Anyway, I need to say hello to one of the directors because he's important and going to Hong Kong with us, and I want to make a good impress—"
He didn't realise he had stopped talking, freezing when Kiko intercepted them. He half expected her to keep going, but she murdered that hope when she halted directly in front of them.
"Hi Tai," she greeted with an obvious forced attempt at a smile. She looked maniacal to him, but that was probably in his head. He was the only person who found her psychotic, while everyone else blamed him for being so unwilling to commit to her. She turned Sora's way. "Hello."
He tried to play it cool. Despite their bad breakup, he felt he had a lot to owe her. They hadn't really spoken since she broke up with him, save a few emotion-filled text messages from her side. He had told her the truth when he handed her the opportunity to break up with him. His late-night rendezvous with his boss was his one big secret in the company—clearly against their ethics code—yet she had never revealed it. She had the means to destroy him out of spite but never did, and for that he felt gratitude towards her.
"This is Kiko," Tai said to Sora, forgetting about the director he had actually planned to greet. "She's from our digital design department."
Sora gave a wide smile, oblivious to whom she was speaking. "It's so nice to meet you. My name is Sora."
"Sora's my girlfriend," Tai added.
He shouldn't have worn a collared shirt. He suddenly felt choked for air. He tugged the fabric by his throat, futilely trying to relieve himself of the constricted feeling.
"It's nice to meet you too, Sora," Kiko said, her expression difficult to read. "I saw you with Tai and just had to introduce myself. You seem so accomplished." Sora blushed, not knowing what to do with the uncommon compliment. "What do you do?"
"I work for Jotaro Saito," Sora answered innocently. "It's a kimono brand. Have you heard of it?"
"Of course I have." Kiko smiled again. "Tai loves powerful women, or so I've heard. That must be what he saw in you."
Tai took Sora by the shoulders, not wanting the conversation to go any further. "Kiko, it's been nice running into you. I have to say my greetings to Masuda, but we'll catch up with you later, okay?"
He didn't give her a chance to say anything, and Sora frowned as Tai dragged her away. "Why are you so rude?"
He didn't look at her, making a beeline for the director who now seemed to be so far away. "That's her, okay? That's my ex-girlfriend."
Sora's eyes widened, and she forgot her self-control as she turned around to get a better look. "What?! Hold on, let me get a look at her—"
"Surely you don't need to look right this second," Tai deadpanned. "Could you make it any more obvious?"
She came to her senses and turned back to him, her expression a mix of annoyance with a touch of satisfaction given by his discomfort. "She's pretty."
"Sora, please."
"Don't 'Sora, please' me! This is your fault, and you know you deserve it."
"Can't you feel bad for me because you love me?"
"Absolutely not."
His lips betrayed him as he smiled a little, only to be wiped off his face by the next disaster.
"Kamiya."
He could recognise that voice from anywhere. Stopping in his tracks, he turned to come face-to-face with his boss. She was rather tall for a woman, nearly reaching his height in her heels. While every other person had dressed more casually for the outdoor picnic, she had shown up in another one of her tailored dresses, looking as authoritative and put together as ever.
"Isn't it a lovely day?" she continued. She looked down at Sora with a smile. "You must be Kari. Kamiya is so fond of you."
"Actually, this is Sora, my very serious girlfriend," Tai answered for Sora. "I am also very fond of her."
Sora looked at him oddly for disclosing such unnecessary details. He confused her more when he put an arm around her.
"I see," his boss said pleasantly with a nod. "You two look very well suited for each other. Well, please enjoy yourselves."
With a small bow, she left to greet someone else.
"Who was that?" Sora asked, making him realise he hadn't even introduced her.
He grabbed her hand, walking the opposite direction of Kiko so she couldn't try to eavesdrop. "That was my direct manager."
"Oh!" She turned to look back at her with interest, though he was still dragging her behind him. "You know, the way you talked about your boss, I imagined a middle aged man. She seems nice."
"She's not."
"Tai, where are you going?" she asked finally, pulling away and stopping them both from walking further. "Why are you being so weird?"
He swallowed hard before turning around, anticipating the reaction he had feared all day. "Because I'm about to tell you something that's going to make you hate me."
"Tai."
When she usually said his name like this, it was out of annoyance or anger, but this time he heard a sadness to it. He was used to her being annoyed with him, but it upset him that she was already sad, especially because he knew what he was to say next would only make it worse.
"My boss is the reason Kiko broke up with me."
While she didn't understand, he knew she understood at a basic level that he was admitting something he should have long ago. "What are you saying?"
"First of all, you have to understand that I never really liked Kiko. I only dated her because Kari got engaged, and my mum put me through this guilt spiel, and I fell for it again—"
"Tai, get to the point."
He grew angry at himself, dragging his hand through his hair. "Kiko just happened to be around, and I knew she liked me, so I thought I'd just give it a go and try dating her. She was fine, but I didn't like her, not like how it is with you—"
"Tai," she articulated, louder. "Get to the point."
He flinched, fidgeted with his fingers as he let the truth out.
"I cheated on Kiko with my boss."
"What?"
"I was black out drunk," he added quickly, using it as justification but knowing she wouldn't care. "I'd been trying to break up with her for a while, but I just didn't get to it, but I wasn't emotionally attached to her, not really, and I don't know. We were on a business trip and drinking and suddenly it happened, but I don't remember it, and it didn't mean anything—"
He could hear himself babbling in run-on sentences, but she didn't appear to be listening anyway. She stared at him until she finally interrupted, "You cheated?!"
"Sh!" Tai hissed, pulling her aside further so people couldn't hear their conversation. "I know it was wrong, but people here don't know about it, so—"
"Is that what you're worried about right now?" He saw a level of anger he had never seen in her before. "Do you know what I don't understand, Tai? I don't understand how this is supposedly the most densely populated city in the world, and yet you seem to have hooked up with half of Tokyo!"
"I have not hooked up with half of Tokyo. You know you're exaggerating."
She had her back turned to the rest of the party, and therefore he thought that as long as his face remained composed, nobody would have to know they were arguing.
This was destroyed when she pushed him violently with both hands. "Don't try to be funny right now, Tai! I'm serious!"
"Sora, stop," he said, trying to look calm. "Literally, all of my co-workers are here. We can't fight in front of all of them."
"My ex-boyfriend cheated on me," she said, not listening. "Do you know how much that destroyed me?"
"I can venture a guess."
She pushed him again, and he made a mental note to stop responding to her rhetorical questions.
"It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and now I find out you've done the same damn thing!"
"Sora," he pleaded, looking around to see if they were attracting any attention. So far, nobody seemed to have noticed anything. "Sora, let's go home. You can yell at me at home, okay?"
"You told me you've never cheated! I specifically remember you saying that to me, Tai!"
He wondered how much longer his colleagues would be oblivious when her voice kept rising with each word. "Sora—"
"No!"
"Sora." He grabbed her by the shoulders and realised she was shaking.
"Don't touch me!" Her voice ripped through the air like a banshee's wail. He let go instantly, surprised by her outburst. There was no doubt that others heard it too, but suddenly what his co-workers heard didn't matter. "Do you know how devastating it is to find out that I fell for someone like you?"
"Sora, I'm sorry, okay? I really am. Let's go home and talk about this."
"No, I'm going home. You stay here."
"Sora—"
"Stop saying my name!" she shrieked. She backed away, looking at him with disgust, as if he were someone else entirely. It was astonishing how a look could carry an effect more powerful than words. "Exactly how long were you waiting to tell me this? What other bullshit do you have in your closet, Tai?"
"S—"
"Shut up, Tai. Just shut up. I don't want to talk to you."
He froze, the finality of her tone sending a wave of fear through him.
"You mean ever?"
She didn't answer, only exacerbating his panic. He reached out, hands freezing mid-air as he remembered her order. They fell back to his sides in fists.
"I know you're angry. You have every reason. But don't you think you're jumping to conclusions too quickly? Don't you want to talk about it? Or at least think about it? Give me a chance to explain. I wasn't trying to hide it from you. I just disassociate the past more than you do, and—"
"I don't want to talk to you," she repeated, stepping back again. "I'll find you when I do, but I want you to leave me alone."
"Sora, can we just—"
"No," she barked, trembling from fury. "Just stop. I'm going now. Enjoy your event."
She turned around and wobbled away, her legs barely managing to hold her balance. He watched as she left him, wrestling with the idea of going after her, but there was something in her eye that dared him to try and told him it would only make her even more irate. He looked back at the party and saw that people had indeed seen, later finding out that at least nobody heard, though it did little to curb his unhappiness.
It took three days for her to talk to him again. After three days of refusing to answer his calls or open her front door to him, she was waiting for him outside of his work building. She was glaring, but at least she was there.
"Sora," he said in surprise, even though she couldn't hear him. He rushed to her, hardly believing his eyes. He was beginning to think she'd never talk to him again. "Sora, I'm so sorry, I just—"
"You told me you've never cheated."
He felt screaming coming, so they agreed to hold the fight until they went back to her place.
"So explain yourself," she ordered when he had closed her door. "You told me you had never cheated. Why did you lie?"
"I don't recall ever saying that."
"You said it after you lied to me about that strip club."
He scrunched his face, attempting to follow her train of thought. "What?"
"The time you took Matt to a strip club!" She had already started shouting.
"Are you serious? That was ages ago!" he cried in exasperation. "We hadn't even been dating a month. I was trying to impress you, so I obviously wasn't going to—"
She scoffed loudly. "So you tried to impress me by lying? What a great foundation you've laid out for our relationship there."
He had told himself on the way over to her flat that he wouldn't lose his temper. He was in the wrong, and he knew that, so anything she'd throw at him he would take if it meant she would forgive him.
It was a flawed concept in the face of reality.
"What was I supposed to say?" he defended himself. "We weren't on terms where I could admit something like that."
"I didn't know we were ever on terms where we were lying to each other."
Annoyed but knowing what she had said was valid, he apologised.
"I know I did a scumbag thing, but I want to stress again that things are different. I actually care about you. Kiko was just some girl I dated because I felt like I had to."
He had said it to make her less angry, but she only grew more livid.
"So you're telling me that not only am I seeing a cheater, but I'm seeing a cheater who would waste someone's time by dating her without having any feelings towards her. I dare to think that's worse, Tai."
"What do you want me to do?" he asked, trying to conceal his frustration. "I already said sorry. I can't go back and unsleep with my boss—"
"You slept with her?!"
He swore her neighbours could hear them. If this were back in his own home, he could envision the side of Urara's face planted against the connecting wall, trying her best to eavesdrop on their fight.
"I thought we had established that already."
"You said you hooked up with her. I didn't realise you had sex with her!"
He stopped himself from rolling his eyes. He had thought it was obvious what that had meant. "Fine, I'm sorry for not specifying. Yes, we slept together—"
"You're sick."
"Can you please stop using hurtful language?"
She glared at him, pondering once whether he was trying to lessen the severity of the situation before deciding to let it go.
"So you said you slept with your boss during a business trip."
He nodded.
She frowned darkly at him. "Then I don't want you to go to Hong Kong."
He frowned too. "You know I have no control over that."
"You told me you could not go if in coincided with Kyoto. Well, now it coincides with my discomfort in knowing you'll be in the same hotel as that woman."
"Sora, nothing is going to happen. I'm not attracted to my boss—"
"Obviously, you were, if you slept with her. That's human anatomy, Tai. I'm sure you know all about that."
He was still frowning. "Do you have to be so condescending? Don't you think you're being too much?"
"I'm sorry, am I the one who lied to you?"
"No, but you aren't being fair at all. You don't trust me, even though I completely trust you."
"That's because one of us gives the other a better reason not to trust them," she seethed.
"Pardon?" he asked, hearing his own venom come out.
"Three days ago, I found out the man I supposedly love is a sleazy, lying cheater. When's the last time you found something like that out about me?"
He felt an anger boil. "Maybe I've made worse life choices, but at least I don't judge everything you do."
"I think I have a reason to judge you for being a cheater, Tai!"
"That isn't all," he snapped. "I can't handle being on trial every time with you. I never ask anything from you. I don't pry into your previous love life or business, but you always do to me and automatically expect the worst."
"I can't imagine anything being worse that being a cheater."
"Yeah, I get it. It's because your stupid ex-boyfriend cheated on you, and you still haven't gotten over it."
He regretted his words immediately. He didn't think he had dug very deep, but it was obvious from her reaction that he had. He saw her entire face flush into a colour that rivalled her fiery hair, seeping to both her ears and neck. Her glassy eyes made him want to retract what he had said, but she wasn't showing him mercy either.
"You're projecting whatever the hell happened with that guy on me, and you know it. I just don't point it out every chance I get the way you do."
"That isn't true. You give me every reason to believe you're capable of doing the same thing to me."
"Of course I'm capable," he cried, "I can cheat on you whenever I want."
"Excuse me?!"
"Let me finish. You can cheat on me too, but I want you to believe me when I say I won't, the same way I believe you. I've obviously been with other girls, and given your trust issues I think it's fair to say you've been with other guys. When I tell you the truth, you get mad. When I lie, you get mad. What do you want from me, Sora? Do you want me to lie but tell you it's true? Am I supposed to alter the past in my mind and convince myself it's real? Tell me what you want, because I'm running around in a vicious circle here."
He saw tears. It was the second time he had made her cry, but this time he didn't let the shock get to him.
"You want me to be someone else," he answered for her. "You want some perfect man, and I don't fit the bill."
"I don't want you to be perfect. I just want to trust you," she said, the tears now streaming down her face. "Why can't I trust you, Tai? You're my boyfriend. You're supposed to be the person I trust the most, but I can't bring myself to trust you at all."
He already knew she thought this. He already knew it was true.
Yet, when she finally admitted it out loud, it was like a verbal slap in the face. He felt blood rush to his face out of anger, embarrassment, and ineptitude.
"If you can't trust me, then what are you even doing with me?"
His head was pounding at the increasingly possible outcome of separation, every part of him screaming at him to fight it and beg for a different approach. He was a prideful man, but it wasn't even pride that was stopping him. It was knowing that it was something to be said.
They both needed to know whether their problems were fixable or a barricade that would forever hinder them.
He wasn't sure how long they stared at each other, whether it was a few seconds or agonising minutes, both wondering whether this was worth it.
That wasn't true. It was mostly her thinking and him waiting. He had been the one to propose the idea, but he had no reason to go through with it the way she did. His head was pulsing.
He caved first.
"I do love you. I want to be with you. I think we can work through our problems. I know you're worth it. But am I worth it for you?"
He saw new tears rim her eyes and her lips twitch, but she didn't provide an answer. He was surprised how much the silence hurt. He never considered himself a person who needed someone else's approval, but in this case he needed it more than anything.
"I'm not," he answered for her, nodding slowly as he tried to wrap his head around her rejection.
She moved forward and closed the gap between them, grasping his torso as tightly as she could, face buried over his chest. "No, I want you."
His instinct told him to hold her, but his sensibility told him to go through with the conversation they had been avoiding for too long.
"I already apologized, and I am sorry, but I don't want this to be some cloud over our relationship. Tell me what I have to do so we can move past this. If it's something you'll never be able to forgive, tell me now."
He hated listening to himself. He felt the influence of his corporation that he once swore he would never be a part of. It was the classic stance he used for colleagues and potential partners alike, now applied to his personal life.
He could feel her beating heart against his abdomen in a tempo that rivalled his own. She didn't raise her head as she spoke muffled on his shirt, "But why did you have to be a cheater?"
"It was once."
"If you can do it once, you can do it again."
"You can think that, but I just need you to believe me."
She didn't respond, tightening her grip. He couldn't tell whether she was crying silently or just thinking with her arms around him, whether she was seriously reconsidering the two of them.
He didn't want to influence her choice, but it was when he couldn't take it any longer and finally hugged her back that she told him, voice still stifled by the fabric, that she did.
Matt heard Tai come in but didn't labour himself to greet him. Tai had been in a foul mood for the past few days on account of Sora being angry with him. Matt felt he should care more but couldn't bring himself to, knowing it was a recurring but ultimately temporary problem.
He had a bad habit of labelling any relationship that wasn't as long as his previous one as new, so as far as he was concerned Tai and Sora were still in the beginning stages of their relationship, hence the fighting.
What was annoying was Tai being so moody. Within seconds, Tai appeared in the kitchen, noticed Matt, and swooped in to grab the other half of his sandwich.
"That's my dinner," Matt noted flatly, not really putting up a fight.
Tai ignored him, taking a large bite of the sandwich. "Sora and I made up."
"That's good. That means I won my bet with Mimi."
Tai looked at him with interest. "What bet?"
"She thought Sora was going to dump you. I said you'd probably talk your way out of it. Looks like I know you better than she knows Sora." He held out his pack of cigarettes to Tai. "Want one?"
Tai swatted it away, and it fell to the floor. For good measure, he stepped on it.
Matt didn't look bothered and simply took a bite of his sandwich, allowing Tai to eat the other half. He was used to the insatiable Tai stealing his food. "It's unlike you to sulk so much."
"I'm not sulking. We made up."
"Do tell," Matt said sarcastically, the smug look still on his face.
"You're so shitty. I'm going to watch the football match and call it a night. Bye."
Matt chuckled and looked down at his phone that had just started vibrating. It was Mimi. He turned his phone upside down so Tai wouldn't see, then went back to his sandwich.
"Aren't you going to answer?" Tai asked, having seen anyway.
"I'm eating. I'll call her back."
"You always answered Meg's calls," Tai joked.
"Mimi isn't Megumi."
"Exactly, because you always answered Meg's calls," Tai continued in jest.
Matt frowned. "Didn't you say you have a football match?"
"I do." Not having finished his vent, he went back to the topic of Sora. "She told me that it's worse that I dated Kiko without liking her more than it was that I cheated on her, but that contradicts everything's she's ever said. How annoying is that?"
"Why don't you break up with her? That'll solve everything." Tai glared at Matt for his useless comment. Matt didn't react. "It's not her fault you make dumbass decisions. You should have just told her the truth."
Realising that Matt wasn't going to take his side, Tai took the rest of his sandwich to go, and a moment later Matt heard the sound of the telly blaring the football match.
He reached down and turned his phone around again and began typing with one hand.
'Sorry, I was in the other room. What's up?'
Matt swore as he heard a knocking sound at the door, frantically putting out his cigarette and spraying a copious amount of air freshener around him.
"You can still smell it," Tai offered dully as Matt ran into the kitchen to wash his hands.
"Can you open the windows?" Matt asked him from the kitchen.
"They're already open."
"Can you get the door for her?"
"No, I don't want to talk to her."
Matt came out from the kitchen, swore at him, and went to the front door to open it for Mimi.
"Hey!" he greeted.
"You smoked," she noted when he kissed her hello.
"Just a little bit."
Tai raised the volume of the match to drop a hint. He heard Mimi scoff, and when he looked over, saw that she was looking at him with disgust.
"How can you be so content when Sora is so sad?" she demanded.
"We made up," Tai replied, turning his head back to fixate them on the screen.
"You're the worst boyfriend."
"Please don't talk to me when I'm watching football," Tai growled. "Just pretend I'm not here."
Mimi marched up to block his view. "How can I pretend you're not here when you take up all this space?"
"This is my flat," Tai reminded her.
"That's Matt's couch."
"This is my TV." Tai moved his neck from left to right, trying to get a better view. "Mimi, go away."
"No." She frowned at him, twisting a lock of curled hair between her fingers. "You should take some tips from us."
"And what could the two of you possibly teach me?"
"Matt and I never fight."
"Good for you and Matt." Aggravated, he turned to his flatmate. "Can you do something about this?"
He didn't have to, as Mimi finally left his side, instead going to where Matt was. Tai ignored their presence, his entire focus directed at the match. It wasn't even a particularly exciting one, but it took his mind off the fight that he and Sora had. True, they had made up, but he knew it was something Sora would never forget about him, and he wondered if their relationship would now change. Would she always label him a cheater? Would it always be on the back of her mind? How long would it take for her to shed that image of him, if she would at all?
Anyway.
He watched as two subpar teams pit against each other, fumbling over the ball, other players, and their own feet. He swore he had been better than all of them at his prime.
Just as he had started imagining what it would have been like to be a professional footballer, Mimi's piercing giggle broke through his daydream.
He had tuned them out so much that he hadn't even realised they had never left the room, but the two of them were in fact sitting at the bar to the side of the room.
Mimi was holding a plastic card in her hand. "I didn't know your legal name was Yamato."
"Yeah," Matt said hurriedly, snatching what Tai assumed was his ID back from her.
She giggled again. "That's so cute. Maybe I should call you Yamato from now on."
"Don't," he said curtly.
"Why? Are you self-conscious of it?"
"Just call me Matt. You're already used to it."
"I can get used to Yamato too, Yamato," she said with a teasing smile. "See? I've already started."
"Stop."
"Ya~ma~to~"
"Damn it, I said not to call me that!" Matt snapped loudly, suddenly. He stood up from his barstool, looking furious. "How many times do I have to say it before you understand?"
She stared at him with wide eyes. "Matt, calm down. I was just trying to be cute…"
"It's not cute, so stop and never call me that."
Matt marched out of the room, presumably to his own.
Tai tried not to linger on Mimi's surprised expression, but it was impossible to miss. The sheer look of horror and embarrassment was written clearly on her face.
Tai turned his attention back to the match, not wanting to get involved.
"What just happened?" Mimi asked shakily in a whisper.
He thought she was talking to herself, but she slumped over to him, still looking mortified. She sat down in the coffee table directly across from him, blocking his view again.
"I thought you two never fight."
His jest had no effect on her. She still looked as if she had seen the impossible.
"He hates me," she lamented. "What did I do?"
He wondered if it was his place to tell her. He felt like it wasn't. It was Matt's duty to offer the information to her, but he also knew he wouldn't.
"His ex-girlfriend called him that," Tai explained.
The blank expression transformed into one of slight annoyance. "So what? Is she the only person who calls him that? He shouldn't be taking it out on me."
"He shouldn't," Tai agreed, "but yeah, she's the only one who ever called him that."
He saw the expression she had shown him once before. It was that same look of uncertainty, so unfitting on a girl as confident as her.
"He likes you a lot, Mimi," Tai assured her when she didn't say anything. "I bet he just doesn't like being reminded of his ex."
It did little to change her mood.
"Do you want to watch this with me?" Tai asked, patting the space beside him to beckon her over to sit down. "I'll explain the rules to you. It's fun."
"I hate baseball," she said blankly.
"It's football."
Mimi ignored him, standing up to follow Matt to his room.
Not wanting to hear anything, Tai increased the volume of the programme. He was always first in line to show Mimi her place, but even he had to admit that Matt, as usual, had overreacted.
He remembered the first year he had really started learning how to play the bass guitar. After borrowing his dad's ancient one for so long, he was finally gifted one of his own.
What he could remember clearly was just how many times he had cut his fingers on the strings. They were painful and frequent, but there was something about the sound he liked better when using his fingers as opposed to a pick.
His mother freaked when she saw his hands one day and tried to make him stop, which only served to start a fight between them and solidify his certainty that he liked using his fingers.
What he learned through it all was that when the cuts healed, they would form calluses, and from then on it became less painful to play. What started as a deterrent eventually paved the way for him to get better.
He didn't react as the steel string from his bass cut through his skin, simply wiping his string clean with the back of his hand while letting the faint drop of blood soak into his dark shirt.
He heard a knock on his door before it opened. Face pointed in the direction of the opposite wall, he struck a match, using it to light a cigarette he had hidden in his drawer. He didn't have to turn around to see the frown plastered on Mimi's face, but she made no mention of it.
He knew he was in the wrong, yet the revelation didn't stop his blood from boiling. He watched the smoke swirl through the air as he breathed out, using it as meditation to calm down, preparing himself to apologise when he wasn't even that sorry.
Hearing his own petty thoughts, he wondered.
What exactly was wrong with him? Had he always been this dreadful?
"Matt, I'm sorry…" she said first, her voice small.
He took a long drag of his cigarette, reeling in the feeling of the addictive nicotine in his system before putting it out on an ashtray. He placed it across the glass dish, wanting to finish it later.
"Don't apologise," he said slowly, still looking at the remnants of smoke billowing through the air. "I'm the one who overreacted. I should be apologising to you."
He felt her sit beside him. "I shouldn't have kept pushing you. I didn't know you'd get so angry."
"I shouldn't have," he said, turning to her finally. She looked distressed. "I'm sorry."
She bit her lip, her eyes scanning his face frantically. "I won't say it again, but do you mind just telling me why you hate your name so much?"
He never considered himself a great liar. He could definitely do it, but he had always thought if confronted face-to-face, forced to look into the eyes of a person, he wouldn't be able to lie so boldly.
"I've just gone by Matt for as long as I can remember," he answered, looking straight at her.
She locked eyes with him, not responding at first, then nodded slowly.
"You can call me that if you want to," he added, not meaning it.
"No, not if you don't like it. I'm sorry again for making you so angry."
She leaned forward to kiss him. He kissed her back. It was neither conversation nor understanding that ended their row. What words couldn't form, they created with passion.
It wasn't until afterwards, when they had finished and were lying in each other's arms, out of breath and reinstating themselves to thought that he realised he had been thinking the entire time that Yamato was a name only she had called him.
He stood up, lit the remainder of his cigarette and let the nicotine relieve him again. He opened the window so as to minimise the aroma, and while she often complained it wasn't enough, this time she didn't.
She walked over to him, draping her arms over his shoulders, blanketing him with one of his own sheets that she had brought over with him. He watched her from the reflection of his window and felt an agonising guilt when she whispered a low apology to his ear.
He put the cigarette out again.
"I'm sorry for smoking," he offered instead of accepting hers.
Her hair tickled his bare shoulders, and he continued to watch her reflection as she swooped from his ear to give the spot that her hair had touched a kiss.
"Are you still mad at me?" she murmured into his shoulder.
She raised her head slightly so that she too was looking at him through the window, but he turned around in his chair so he could look at her directly. He put a hand to her cheek, staring intently at her face, memorising every perfect feature because he still needed help forming her image in his mind sometimes.
He still hadn't responded, so she put her hand over his, nuzzling it to her face. "Matt…"
"I'm not mad," he answered finally. "I know I overreacted. I'm sorry."
She pulled his hand from her cheek to her lips and kissed it. "I don't like fighting."
"We aren't fighting."
She touched his forehead, brushing aside his fringe, then stood up.
"I'm going to go," she told him.
He stood up too. "I thought you were going to spend the night."
"I know, but…" She lifted his sheet off her body and into the air, letting it lie flat on his bed again. "I need to get up early tomorrow, and I don't want to wake you up."
"I don't mind."
"I know you don't, but I want to sleep in my own bed tonight."
He watched her dress, the excuse not being good enough.
"Is it because I told you not to call me by my legal name?"
"No."
"Then what is it?"
His annoyance with her inability to recover from his outburst was met with a soft smile as she turned around to look at him again, then walked over to catch him in a delicate kiss, so soft and quick that he barely felt it.
"I just think you need time for yourself too."
"I want time with you—"
She shushed him quiet, and he saw a glimpse of something that was cracking the flawless seams of her. She appeared to want to say something but shook her head.
"What?" he asked, wanting her to say it.
"My mouth gets me in trouble sometimes." She tapped her lips with her fingers. "It's nothing."
"What?" he asked, almost demanding it.
The coarseness of his tone changed hers as well. He saw the annoyed glimpse in her eyes as she made direct eye contact. "Why can't I call you Yamato?"
"I don't like that name."
"And that's it?"
"Yes."
"There's nothing else?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Why is this so important to you?"
"It's not important to me. It's just a stupid name, Matt." She was starting to crack too. "But obviously, it means something more to you."
"I just don't like it."
"But why?"
"Because I don't. I don't need a reason for everything, Mimi."
"But you have one. You just won't tell me."
"Why do you think I have to have a reason? You said so yourself. It's just a stupid name."
She looked really angry now, like she would yell at him, but she turned back around and he couldn't see her expression anymore.
"Fine," she said lowly, gathering her things. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'll call you Matt so you don't have to feel so conflicted."
"Conflicted about what?"
She didn't answer him, and he grew confused by her sudden fierce demeanour. Was she or was she not over it? He couldn't tell.
"Mimi, I can't do anything if you don't say anything."
"Well, you're the king of not saying anything, so at least you know how I feel now."
"Why are you trying to pick a fight?"
She didn't answer.
"Mimi—"
He stepped in front of her, staring at her until she finally looked up at him too.
"What are you trying to say?" he asked, genuinely confused.
For a moment, he really thought she was going to yell at him. He watched her face turn pink, but just as he thought she would burst, she shook her head at him and looked down again.
"Sorry, I'm about to have my period."
He had spent the latter half of his life knowing the intimate details of Megumi's monthly cycle, but for some reason this information transformed their tension to awkwardness when it came from Mimi.
"Oh…"
"I don't mean to sound so moody." She looked up at him, smiling again. "I'll see you later, okay?"
She stood up on her toes, reaching up to kiss him, then was gone.
Tai caught him just as he sauntered into the kitchen for a midnight snack, already being there for his.
"Could you have been more of an arse? If you aren't over Meg, then stop being with Mimi."
"Don't," Matt warned dangerously.
"I don't even like her as a fellow human being, yet I feel sorry for her."
"I said don't."
Tai didn't push him further, though there was clear judgment written across his face.
"I'm over Megumi."
"Then act like it," Tai remarked before walking out.
Matt glared at the refrigerator, angrier with himself than Tai. Even though he wasn't with her, even though he was happy with Mimi, even though he didn't think he loved her anymore, the name that was unique to just the two of them was something he wanted to preserve.
Neither of them could remember exactly why she had first approached him, but it was something she had to do for a club.
She read his name from a list. "Are you Yamato Ishida?"
He normally informed people that he went by Matt, but she was a year below him and likely someone he would never see again, so he didn't.
"Yes," he answered.
She looked up at him, then turned her head downwards, looking uncomfortable. He would find out later that she never blushed, but if she could, she would probably have done so.
This was their first misunderstanding. He thought she thought he was being unfriendly, but she had actually been attracted to him. It was from there that she set up little "coincidences" to make sure they would often run into each other despite never being in any of the same classes, each time greeting him the same way: "Hi Yamato."
Each time, he would give her a short greeting in return until one day, they had run into each other after school on their way out. Since she was a year beneath him, they never really had any opportunities to run into each other. He would find out later that she did this on purpose and that she actually lived in the next district over, but she walked with him home to Odaiba so she could spend time with him. They made small talk along the way, mostly about school, but it was the first time he had said anything more than just hello.
"By the way, everyone calls me Matt," he told her when they were ready to part, he to his flat and she to the train that would take her to her actual area.
She refused. "I'm already used to it. I'll be the only one who calls you Yamato then."
23 July 2017
I really do apologise for the wait, but thank you so much to each person who has read my story, reviewed it, and/or PM'd me sweet messages. I really do get so touched by each and every single one. I'm sure it's the same for all of you, but life happens, and what a whirlwind of a year and a half it has been!