This fanfic is in its eighth year, yet some of the people from the very beginning are still reading. I truly cannot express how thankful and touched I am. My last few chapters had very long breaks in between (four chapters in four years, yikes), but I will try to update more regularly from now on. I also went back and fixed a few inconsistencies in earlier chapters. Funnily enough, I could feel my own character development as I read them.
Anyway, please enjoy, and I hope everyone is safe during this time.
Paradigm Shift
Chapter 22: Two Steps Back
He spent all morning wondering when she'd reach out to him again.
He hadn't let go of his phone since he woke up, changing it from its ubiquitous vibrate mode to the highest volume setting. It was so he wouldn't miss any notifications, though he checked it every few seconds anyway.
He had called in sick from work in case she would come directly to his home, then worried that she too might consider the weekday. What if she instead visited his office, and then he'd end up missing her anyway? Maybe he'd ought to go in. Or perhaps he could ask someone to let him know if a visitor drops by.
His concerns that rotated continuously throughout the morning disappeared with the sound of the doorbell. He checked the video intercom and saw Megumi at his doorstep.
Finally, he thought.
He didn't move and counted to ten. She rang again, then started knocking. Maybe she too was outside worried that his doorbell wasn't working.
Of course she was. That sounded exactly like her.
He checked his own reflection and reminded himself to remain calm no matter what, then finally opened the door.
"Yamato," Megumi greeted him confidently, void of the broken image she had been in yesterday. She stepped inside his flat without invitation, though he didn't stop her either. "Is Tai home? Let's talk."
"Tell me something," he sneered, leaning diagonally against the wall, preventing her from getting in further. "Did you get fired? Is that why you've decided to come back?"
As he should have already known, she did not let his attitude pass this time. "No, actually. As I told you yesterday, I came back because of you. Obviously, that means I quit."
He laughed. "You're funny. You don't get to decide if we get back together or not. It takes two people to form a relationship, and as I told you yesterday, I'm with someone else now. I'm happy, Megumi. If you're half a decent person, you'd leave me alone."
He expected her to cry again—that was the whole reason he had said it—but instead she glared at him. "Don't you think you're being too much?"
"You mean like how you dumped me and dropped off the face of the earth?" he countered.
"I know I did a stupid thing," she said, looking more upset with each passing moment. "I didn't come here thinking you'd take me back with open arms, but what about you? We were together for thirteen years, Yamato. Thirteen years, and you moved on in a matter of months. I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything because I missed you so much, but it's obvious you were just… fine." Her voice weakened, and he felt a burning anger in his chest. "Did you even care? Was breaking up with me that easy for you?"
"Shut up," he warned dangerously, trying unsuccessfully to control his temper. The coolness he had wanted to portray had lasted all but a few seconds.
"Why?" she hissed back, matching his tone. "Why should I pretend I'm okay with this? I leave for eight months and come to see some slut come out of your room, and you want me to be okay?"
"I said shut up."
"I couldn't even look at another man, yet you're in a relationship, Yamato! Do you know how much of a fool that makes me? I thought about you every single day, but you…! You… you forgot about me in an instant…"
He was trembling, his anger shooting up to a boiling point.
"Tell me, Yamato, did you ever once stop to think of me?"
She let out a surprised shriek as his fist slammed against the wall. She stared at him in a mixture of fright and anger.
"Are you mad?!"
Adrenaline pumping through him at warp speed prevented him from feeling what he was sure to be throbbing physical pain from his hand, but he could feel himself shaking uncontrollably. He thought he could explode, never feeling more misunderstood—from the person who he always thought knew him best. It manifested into a sort of raw fury that he had never felt. He couldn't remember ever being so angry in his life.
"You have no idea, Megumi! You have no goddamn clue! I almost died without you!"
Her eyes finally started to water, staring at him with a pitiful look that did not suit someone as composed as her. He felt his own well up, though he wasn't sure whether it was from his own anger or from seeing her so upset. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, refusing to cry for either reason.
"Then why are you with that girl?"
She had said it so quietly, voice breaking, breaking him with her. He thought about Mimi, still probably angry with him. He hadn't reached out to her since she stormed out on him, his mind too preoccupied.
Her voice cracked further as she asked, "How would you feel if you were me?"
He thought about it for a second. He would probably kill whoever she was seeing.
"It'd be different. I wasn't the one who left you."
"I made a mistake," she pleaded, reaching her hands out to hold his. They were cold and clammy, which meant she was nervous. "That's why I came back, because I couldn't bear living without you. Yamato…" She choked on her words. "I thought you wouldn't be able to live without me too."
"Well, you thought wrong."
Her grip on his hands tightened.
"Her name is Mimi, and she's the only reason I survived the last four months," he said, trying not to look at her. "I love her."
Words he had not even said to Mimi he told to Megumi. She stared at him, trying to see through him and determine whether he was telling the painful truth or a desperate lie. She had always been good at seeing right through him, but he was unyielding.
"You're lying," she stated, sounding unconvinced herself.
He finally turned to look straight at her. "I love her, Megumi."
"I know you're lying…" She let go of his hands to shake his shoulders. "Yamato, tell me you're lying."
He didn't respond as she continued to shake him, tears streaming down her face as she waited for an answer that wouldn't come.
She let go of his shoulders, arms falling to her side.
"Okay then."
He watched as she put her shoes back on, surprised that for once she had given up on him faster than he gave up on her. As much as he did not like to admit it, Megumi was often the one who had to compromise for him. She had always been more willing to let go of arguments than he was.
"Megumi."
She looked up at him. He thought about everything he wanted to say to her. The miserable eight months he had spent thinking about her. The thirteen years prior he had spent loving her. How had she been? Had she eaten? How was her flight? Where was she staying? Did she really miss him the way she claimed she had? Did she really believe he had replaced her—and so easily at that?
All things he thought would be so simple and easy to say to her after so long. This was the person who knew him better than he knew himself, the same way he knew her.
Yet, she had brought this on herself. She was the one who abandoned him. She deserved to be as destroyed as she had made him.
And, so, he said something so very unfortunately, so regrettably him.
"If you're back in Tokyo, that's fine, but don't come near me. I never want to see or talk to you ever again."
She stood up and looked directly at him, eyes red. He saw in that moment that she had not seen the statement as the shield of pride that it was.
She turned to the door, opening it.
"Fine," she said, back turned to him as she stepped out and shut the door behind her.
Left with an unceremonious and sudden end to their conversation, his mind began to spin. How desperately had he wanted one more chance to talk to her—to try and understand her? He had used countless hours enacting this moment in his head, yet from all the ways he could have reacted, he had chosen to tell her to piss off.
In those first few months—the most difficult time of his life—he had tried everything. Cried until he couldn't anymore, drank until his mind was too gone to even think, prayed to every shrine and temple he passed, for the first time in his life turning to faith in exchange for one more chance to see her.
He remembered that wasted bloc of his life, when he first understood she was not coming back.
Everyone's favourite saying was to live life with no regrets. He believed in no such thing. Life was full of regrets, or else it would not be life. His regrets often revolved around Megumi. Whether he had fallen short of her expectations of him or his expectations of himself, there were so many times he regretted not being the man he wanted to be for her.
And here he was about to be that person again. His prayer fulfilled, Megumi placed at his doorstep despite all evidence pointing to the contrary, placing her halfway across the globe. Yet, all he had done was turn her away.
Instantly, he opened the door to his flat, running barefoot through the corridor, grabbing the doors of the closing lift, forcing them open again. Megumi was inside, eyes watering, looking surprised that he had even come.
"Get off," he told her, his voice commanding.
She ignored him, trying to instead close the door by repeatedly pressing the lift button. He kept his hand against the door, overriding the function from working.
"Get off, Megumi," he repeated angrily.
He didn't know why he felt the need to talk to her so sharply, as he should have known it would only spark her own anger.
Indeed, she glared at him back. "I thought you never wanted to see or talk to me ever again."
"Get off."
"Are you going to break up with her?"
"Get off."
"Stop saying the same thing, and answer me, Yamato!"
She glared at him with betrayal, tears rimming her eyes but her pride keeping them from falling. His expression mirrored hers, a battle of pride between the two of them even when there was nothing to gain.
The lift began to beep, and the doors began to force shut.
He gave in first.
He grabbed her arm and took her out of the lift himself, pulling her into his arms. If she wanted to resist, she couldn't find the will to do so, sobbing into his shirt while he kept apologising into her hair. He had missed this scent of hers.
"I'll break up with her," he kept repeating, squeezing her tightly as she cried, perhaps enough to make it hurt, though she didn't say anything. "I'm so sorry. I'll break up with her. Sh, everything will be fine. I'll break up with her. I'll do it now. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I'm so sorry."
She said something to him, though it was muffled.
"I didn't catch that," he said softly, running his hand soothingly up and down her back.
She pulled away from him, sniffling as she looked up apologetically. "I said I got makeup on your shirt."
He looked down and saw two dark marks from her eyeliner on his white shirt.
He laughed lightly. "Let's go inside. I can change, and you can wash your face."
She nodded, still trembling, letting him take her hand and lead the way inside. With his arm around her, he noticed just how much slighter her frame was.
"Are you eating?" he asked, letting go of her as they entered his flat. "You've lost weight."
"No, I haven't," she said, even though she had. She turned and put her arms around his neck. "I've missed you so much."
He felt an elation he hadn't felt in months. He leaned down to kiss her, but she turned her head. His lips hit her cheek instead.
"Is this punishment?" he asked, confused.
"You aren't single, Yamato."
"Are you kidding?"
"No, I assure you I'm not." She pushed him away. "I have to use your bathroom. Look what you did to my face."
He laughed, using his thumbs to wipe away the smudged makeup underneath her eyes. "There, you look beautiful."
"Yamato!"
"Why did you wear makeup if you were going to cry?" he teased, wiping his blackened fingers on his shirt.
"Because I wanted to look pretty for you. Why did you make me cry if you knew I was wearing makeup?"
"I'm sorry," he said automatically before reaching down to attempt another kiss.
Again, she turned her head. "I said you aren't single."
He thought about Mimi, technically his girlfriend. He felt a sudden guilt. Everyone had warned him countless times that he might be using her as a tool to get over Megumi—Mimi herself included.
The thing was he truly felt like he hadn't while they were together, but now he could see it for what it was. Successful for a second too. For a blind moment, he had believed he could find happiness with her.
The guilt disappeared as his thoughts diverted back to Megumi.
"But I love you," he countered.
"You said you loved her."
"I don't love her," he insisted immediately. "How long have you known me, and you still can't tell when I'm lying?"
He pulled her to him, trapping her within his embrace, trying to let her let allow a kiss. She withdrew her head back so he couldn't, smirking.
"Of course I know you're lying. I just wanted to hear you say it."
He pulled her closer again. "So let me kiss you."
She looked in thought for a moment, then reached up to peck him. He wanted more, but she pulled away from his hold.
"That's all you get for now. You're still somebody else's boyfriend, Yamato."
Frustrated, he took out his mobile. "I'm going to break up with her now."
"What's wrong with you?" she hissed, taking it from him. "You can't break up with her over the phone!"
"What do you want me to do then? Go to her place right now?"
"You probably should."
He looked at her as if she were crazy. "No way, I'm staying here with you. I'm not leaving you."
"Well, I'm not doing anything with you when you technically are dating someone else."
"I feel like you're focusing too much on a technicality that we both know doesn't actually matter," he argued.
"It matters to me."
He groaned, burying his face in her neck once more, as she seemed less likely to stop him from doing that.
"When did you become so heartless?" she demanded, though she didn't stop him.
"I just got you back. I can't leave you just yet," he murmured.
"Stop being cringey. It's unlike you."
Even though she was teasing him, he didn't care. He told her how much he had missed her, how much he loved her. These were words that had been difficult for both of them to say in the beginning. Neither were particularly great at expressing these sorts of emotions, but after years of practise, it had become second nature.
She said she loved him too for the first time in eight months, and in an instant all that time was worth the wait.
He held her face in his hands and chanced another kiss. This time, she let him, and he couldn't remember the last time he had felt such happiness.
Tai hated shopping.
He hated it so much that it was one of the first personal duties he had passed off to his assistant, yet this time the shopping trip had been his idea.
He wanted to buy Sora a gift from Hong Kong, and he had enlisted the help of Fujii. Today was their day off, and while a group of them had planned a hike to the beach, she was happy to join him for a shopping detour prior to the event.
"You said your girlfriend is in the fashion industry, right? Hong Kong is tax free, so you should buy her a designer bag. That'll definitely make her happy."
He had agreed without knowing anything. Fujii had been excited by her own suggestion, saying she would live vicariously through him. He hadn't understood what she had meant until he saw the prices for each piece at the shop.
"These literally cost more than my monthly rent," Tai said, looking at the tag of a handbag Fujii had recommended.
"You have a corner office. I'm sure you can afford this," Fujii said with a touch of derision. "Just do it. Don't you love her?"
He felt pressured as the sales associate brought out two more glasses of champagne for him and Fujii. Entering the shop had already been intimidating for him. A large man in a suit had opened the enormous floor-to-ceiling glass doors for them, and since then the staff had been pouring them with drinks and attention, certain he would buy. While his anxiety was increasing with each service, Fujii relished in it.
The fact that he was already on his second round of champagne meant he had spent far too long here. He had meant to pop in and out. He was ready to leave.
"Fine," he agreed reluctantly. "What colour should I get?"
"Kamiya, how would I know? You're the one who's dating her. Don't you know your own girlfriend?" Fujii took a sip of her champagne, uninterested. She asked to see their selection of purses, even though she had said to him that she wouldn't buy anything.
Left to his own devices, he tried to think of what bags Sora had in her wardrobe. To be honest, he had never really paid it any attention, but now that he thought about it, he supposed she did own quite a number of items.
"What colour palette does she wear often?" Fujii asked him, evidently okay to give him advice again.
"What's a colour palette?"
"Black? Neutrals? Pastels? Jewel tones?"
"What are jewel tones?"
Fujii looked annoyed, taking another sip of her champagne. "You know what? I can't even pretend to help you."
He was about to say something snarky back, but his mobile buzzed against the counter.
"Hey Sora," he answered. Fujii motioned for him to just ask her. "I was just thinking about you."
"I'm worried about Mimi," Sora replied.
He felt slightly disappointed that she hadn't reacted.
"What's wrong with her now?" Tai asked dully, leaning against the counter. Fujii swiped at his elbow, as if to say he had no business leaning on any of the pristine glass in the shop.
"I'm serious," she said sternly, hearing his disinterest. "She's been hysterical, but she won't tell me why. Do you know?"
"How am I supposed to know?" he grumbled. "I really don't talk to Mimi unless I have to."
The sales associate laid out an array of colours of the same bag in front of him. He pointed to his phone to indicate he was on the line. She turned to Fujii instead, who looked over with interest.
"I think it may have something to do with Matt. Would you be able to find out?"
He groaned. "I don't care about their relationship."
"Well, I do," Sora retorted. "I'm going to try to talk to her today, but I'm just saying it'd be nice if you could also talk to Matt."
"I'm too busy." Catching Fujii's eye, he pointed to a red bag. She looked at him as if he were crazy.
"I hate you," Sora said to him.
He laughed. "I'm sure Mimi's just being dramatic again. Let's just leave them alone to figure out their own problems."
"You're such a bad friend."
"Believe me, Matt prefers when I stay out of his business. They're not our children. I'm sure they can figure it out." He pointed to the black one. Fujii shrugged indecisively, then picked out a garish gold one. He didn't like it. "Hey, is there anything you'd like from Hong Kong?"
"I just want you to come back in one piece."
"I can do that." He shook his head at the metallic one. It was too much. "Sora, I have to go. I'll give you a call later, okay? Love you, bye."
"This is the colour this season!" Fujii blurted when he had hung up.
"It literally looks like the colour of vomit," he retorted, forgetting the sales associates could hear.
"How dare you?" Fujii cried. "Coco Chanel is rolling in her grave!"
She set it down and held up the black one. "Honestly Tai, you can't go wrong. If my boyfriend bought me anything from Chanel, I'd be okay with it. If you're scared, just go with the classic black. Does Sora wear black?"
"Doesn't everyone wear black?" Tai asked. "I think she likes red though."
"Then get her the red one," she said impatiently. "If you aren't going to take my advice, don't ask me for it."
He had never spent so much money on a single item in his life. He almost couldn't believe the total as he handed over his credit card.
He knew Megumi owned an expansive handbag collection, some of which were gifts from Matt. He hadn't realised how much money Matt had just thrown away on material goods.
"Why would anyone want to spend money on something like this?" Tai muttered, signing the receipt. He was sure the sales associates disliked him and found him obnoxious, but she wasn't going to say anything to him when he just gave her a nice commission.
Fujii smirked at him. "Look how nice you are, Kamiya. You never bought Kiko anything, did you?"
He ignored her.
"Did you?" she prodded.
"I don't really want to talk about Hattori."
She laughed. "Whatever you say, Tai."
Although he was friends with his co-workers, they still called each other by their last names to maintain some level of professionalism. Kiko had been the only exception, but even she would call him by his surname sometimes.
He could tell that although she was laughing, she was annoyed with him on behalf of her friend.
"I know you know. I'm not saying what I did was right, or that she in some way deserved it, but Hattori and I were just incompatible."
"Look, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I like you, Kamiya, but even you must admit you deserve it."
He didn't say anything. She sneered at him.
"That's why I made you buy one of the most expensive brands."
He scowled. "I knew those prices were off! I can't believe you'd do this to me."
"Don't be so hurt," she said with a roll of her eyes. "It's expensive because people love it. I'm not trying to sabotage you. I'm just making you suffer superficially."
"You just made me spend 50,000 Hong Kong dollars on a bag."
"You can always make more money, but you can't unhurt Kiko."
"Kiko is fine."
He flinched as Fujii glared at him, and he felt their pseudo-professionalism dissipating.
"You traumatised her. I hope your fleeting bad judgment was worth it for you to ruin her life. I guess it must have, since you can now afford to spend 50,000 Hong Kong dollars on a whim for your new girlfriend."
He felt like he should defend himself. It was so long ago. They hadn't even liked each other that much. It was a dramatization to say she had been traumatised and her life ruined. She had no right butting into their business. If Kiko wanted to say something to him, she could say it to his face instead of having Fujii fight her battles.
Instead, he pointed to the time to change the subject. They were supposed to meet their colleagues for their hike soon, and if they didn't hurry up, they'd be late.
The hikes in Hong Kong were beautiful, the backdrop of the mountains against the sea something he couldn't get at home. He thought he needed to come back—next time for leisure and with Sora. He never used to take many photos, but he took a few from the top so he could send them to her. She would definitely ask to see some.
He used to hate when people were glued to their phones, especially when they were out in nature. He thought they couldn't break away from technology even for a second, but he found himself doing the same thing, texting Sora back and forth throughout the duration of the hike.
While he sent her a photo of him on a mountain, she sent him one of her at work. He laughed as he read her envious text.
"What's so funny? Hurry up, Kamiya!" Shima called out for him. "You're slowing us down."
He would usually lead the pack, but today he was at the back of the group. He jogged up to his colleagues, joining them as the trail led them to their beach destination. The walk in the blistering, humid heat was worth it once met with the cool blue water of the sea.
Tai personally loved being outside. He used to spend most of his time outdoors, but life got in the way, and he found himself going from work to the pub to home to work again. Sora also liked being outside. He made a mental note to plan more outdoor activities for them.
"So are you shagging the boss?" Shima asked him discreetly once they had settled on the beach. Everyone else was still in the water.
Tai shot him a dirty look.
"What?" Shima asked with a grin. "If I were you, I'd do whatever she wanted."
"I have a girlfriend," was Tai's only response.
"Oh, right. Sora, was it?" Shima nodded thoughtfully. "She seems cool. You should bring her around."
"Maybe."
"Why only maybe?"
"No reason."
"Are you scared we'll tell her incriminating stories about you?"
Tai gave him an annoyed look. "No."
Shima laughed at him. "I'm just kidding. You're my mate. I want to get to know her because I like to know about my friends' lives. Although, you know, you're less fun now that you're in a relationship. You used to know how to have such a good time."
Tai remembered Sora telling him to put on sunscreen. He borrowed some of Fujii's since he didn't have his own. She wouldn't notice.
"How do you like your first business trip?" Tai asked him, ignoring all of his comments.
"Are you kidding? It's awesome! We're at the beach on a Tuesday. Man, if this is what they're all like, sign me up!" Shima sighed. "You're lucky you get to these all the time."
Tai shrugged. "You can take my spot."
"Yeah right."
"I'm thinking about quitting," he said pensively. It was something he had said often to his non-work friends, but now that he had said it to someone at work, it felt more real.
Shima started laughing but stopped when Tai didn't join him. "Seriously?"
Tai nodded. "I told myself I'd only stay a year or two, but I've been here for five years already."
"What's wrong with that? You were able to move up faster than anyone else. Doesn't that mean you're good at what you do?"
Tai gave him a shrug, then looked at his phone to see a message from his boss. She wanted to see him to discuss his slides for the client meeting tomorrow.
He ignored it and opened his messages with Sora instead. He told her he had put on sunscreen and was therefore not unnecessarily exposing himself to skin cancer. She could stop worrying about him now. She was working, so she didn't respond right away. His colleagues were urging him to join in the water, so he got up, but not before sending her another message to tell her that he missed and loved her.
At last, everything was back the way it was supposed to be.
He didn't know how long it had been—probably hours. Megumi was lying in his arms, and they were filling the other on their lives, as if the time she had gone had only been a holiday.
It was strange.
Now that she was back, the last eight months just seemed like a phantom of his imagination, something he had made up or dreamt. He was sure he could forget it if he wanted to, reducing that time to being just an empty pocket in his memory.
He would be okay with that, but before he allowed himself to remove it, he wanted to know. Perhaps it was too soon to ask, but it was something he had never quite figured out.
He put a hand to her cheek, rubbing it lightly with his thumb. "Why didn't you tell me earlier that you were leaving?"
He felt her stiffen. He kissed her, and as he pulled away, she moved his arm for him to be around her.
"If I had told you sooner, I knew I would have found every reason to stay. I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it and that you'd somehow convince me not to go, but I just wanted to see what it was like to not be Matt-and-Meg anymore but just me. It was stupid and selfish, and I'm sorry. I swear I'll never do anything like that again. Can you please forgive me?"
He could see how nervous she was. It was enough for him.
"Of course I forgive you."
In a span of hours, he had begun to forget the past eight months. Aside from his outburst earlier, he hadn't told her a thing. He wasn't going to either. She had suffered just as much as he had, and what was knowing going to do?
Besides, he was embarrassed too. Before this, before Mimi, he couldn't bear to think how degrading of a being he had become. He didn't want to remember that period anymore. He didn't want Megumi to know about that side of him either. He couldn't even recognise that person.
He crawled on top of her, kissed her again. He was done with the subject.
"Yamato."
Her voice broke the moment.
"Hm?" he asked distractedly, pressing his lips to her neck in an attempt to bring her back.
"I like your photo."
He pulled away. "What?"
She pointed to something above his bedframe, and he followed her line of sight to the lone photograph pasted on the wall. It was the one Mimi had put up there from the time they had gone to the festival. Four images plastered against his wall, one of which featured Mimi kissing him.
"She put it there," he explained quickly, immediately raising his arm to take it down. He crumpled it in his hand.
He walked to the bin and looked at the wad in his hand. He felt a strange sense of remorse, not even for Mimi but because tearing it down had been so automatic to him.
He would never admit it to Megumi, but that had been a fun day.
It had been the day Mimi almost told him she loved him, but he couldn't say it back. They never did talk about it again. Mimi liked to fill her head with positive thoughts only, so he wouldn't have been surprised if she herself had forgotten that moment. She probably only remembered the good parts, like how they had taken these pictures together.
He was forgetting her in an instant, but he found solace in knowing she would forget him too once she realised how toxic he had been. He was a negative thought in her otherwise positive life, so she would flush him out and find someone better suited for her. She would too find someone as perfect for her as Megumi was for him.
He dropped the photo in the bin.
"You're cheating on her, you know," Megumi told him. He turned to look at her. She was seated now. "She's still your girlfriend."
He used to think cheaters were the scum of the earth. He remembered judging Tai very hard when he had done it, yet here he was doing the same exact thing.
"Go talk to her, Yamato."
"I don't want to. Not yet." He slid back in bed and kissed her, remembered every bit he loved about her. "I don't want to leave you just yet."
She put her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her.
"Everything will be all right now—now that we're together again."
When he woke up, it was dark, and Megumi was gone. He felt a slight panic, throwing his covers off his body and scrambling off the bed.
"Megumi?" he called out, louder than his usual tone. He could hear the alarm in his voice.
A moment later, she came into the room, smiling at him as she flicked on the light switch. "You're awake."
He felt a surge of relief and smiled back at her. He reached out for her arm, pulling her to him again.
"Where did you go?"
"You were sleeping, so I went to the living room to read," she told him. She looked at him teasingly. "Were you that scared I had gone again?"
He didn't answer her. It wasn't a joke to him.
Megumi gave him an odd look, then stepped away from his embrace.
"You should go see her now," she suggested.
He groaned lazily.
"Go," Megumi ordered him, pulling him out of his own bed.
"Why are you forcing me to leave when we just got back together?"
She collected his clothes and handed them to him. "I don't want you to go either, but I don't like how you're somebody else's boyfriend more."
He lazily started to dress himself and looked at the time, calculating when he would be back. "Fine, I'm going. She lives pretty close by, so I don't think I'll even need an hour. I could probably aim for thirty minutes if I try. Maybe we can eat when I get back? What's something you've missed from Toky—"
"Yamato."
"What?"
"Don't break up with her in five minutes. It's something I regretted a lot."
She was referring to their own breakup.
"You broke up with me in twenty minutes," he corrected stonily.
She frowned. "I'll never do anything like that again, Yamato. I swear."
He nodded and made an empty promise that he would break up with Mimi in a non-heartless way. What did she care anyway?
"You'll be here when I get back, right?" he asked.
"No, I plan to leave."
"Good to see your sarcasm hasn't gone anywhere."
He felt stupid for thinking such a thing, but he felt that the second he left her sight, she would disappear again. She felt so real, but how many times had he dreamt the same thing?
"Don't leave me again." He heard the vulnerability in his own voice, but he didn't care.
She walked to him, putting her arms around his neck and pulled her down to him. "I'll be here, Yamato. I promise."
He kissed her, passionately, as if it were the last time he'd see her again.
He told her for the thousandth time that day that he loved her, then forced himself to leave.
Mimi broke up with him the moment she answered the door, but she hadn't really meant it, because when he agreed, she immediately started to cry.
Her tears did nothing for him, and he was surprised by it. Just a few days ago, he had been so convinced that he almost loved her, but how quickly that had disappeared with Megumi's reappearance was strange to him.
He wasn't supposed to just agree, she explained between sobs. He was supposed to beg for her forgiveness.
He apologised, but he too came here to break up with her. He was going to get back together with Megumi.
She cried more. She reminded him that he swore to her that he was over his ex-girlfriend.
He said he had only tried to convince himself that he was, but that had never been the case.
Perhaps he was being too brutally honest. He apologised to her, genuinely meaning it.
How he could have lied to her all this time?
He had never meant to hurt her, and he wished he hadn't believed his own lie and had that affect her too. He had lied to himself and convinced himself he liked her, but as it turns out, he had just settled for the next best thing. He didn't say that last part out loud, but he didn't need to.
That girl—Her name is Megumi, he wanted to correct her—was probably waiting for him. He should go to her because that's where he really wanted to be, whereas this was just courtesy.
He thought he was supposed to refute that, but it was the truth, so he took her offer and left.
Megumi had taken twenty minutes to break up with him back then. He had found that merciless of her, but it took him less than half of that to break up with Mimi.
He had never cried as much as he had when he and Megumi had broken up, but his eyes didn't so much as water for her.
Megumi had dinner waiting for him when he got home. Never a strong cook, she had ordered curry for delivery. He was often the one who made food for her. She had beer with hers, but he had water and told her it was because he was resting his liver. He didn't tell her he was resting it because he had abused it when she had gone. He didn't want to unnecessarily upset her.
She didn't ask for details on how it went with Mimi, content with just a confirmation that he had successfully broken up with her. He didn't want to talk about it either.
"Did Tai start smoking?" she asked him when they had finished. "I noticed you guys have an ashtray."
He could tell from her tone that she actually suspected it to be his. He didn't answer her, instead piling their rubbish into the bin. He went out to the living room and tossed the ashtray too.
She had followed him out.
"Yamato, it took you so long to quit last time," she reminded him with a frown. "How could you start again when you worked so hard?"
"I'll quit," he promised her.
"It took you nearly a year last time."
She slipped her hands into his pocket and pulled out a half-empty pack that she found there. He took them from her hand, made a spectacle of crushing them and throwing them in the bin too.
"I don't need them if I have you," he told her, already regretting it. "I'll quit."
"I hate cigarettes."
"I'll quit." He leaned down to kiss her. "Want to watch a film?"
"I can taste it in your mouth now."
"Want to watch a film?"
She frowned at his persistence but agreed. He would finish cleaning, and she would pick what to watch because she was pickier than him.
It didn't matter, because neither of them paid attention to whatever she had chosen anyway.
An hour into whatever they were watching—some space documentary she had found—he had no idea what it was about. She pulled away from him suddenly and looked to a familiar spot on the side table by the couch.
"Hm?" he murmured, watching her grow confused.
"Where's my clock?" she asked.
"What clock?"
"My astronomical clock." She pointed to the table where his ashtray had been. "It used to be right there."
"I threw it out."
She gasped. "Yamato, you know how much that meant to me!"
"I threw out everything that reminded me of you," he told her, suddenly remembering how he had felt at the time. Crashing everything violently against his room, though it had done little to appease him. "If it meant so much to you, you should have taken it with you."
She softened at his sudden aggression, looking at him with sad eyes. "I'm sorry. You're right. It was just a stupid clock…" She nuzzled against his chest. "…but did you really want to forget me so much?"
"Yes, because I thought you had forgotten me," he wanted to say, but he had already made her feel bad once, so he didn't.
They were small changes that served as a reminder that things weren't the same. He had been smoking for eight months. That clock had probably been gone for just as long. He had forgotten all about it. What else had changed? Maybe he should start a list.
She took a hold of his wrist and checked the time on his watch.
"It's nearly midnight," she announced. "I should head back before the trains stop running."
He flipped his wrist, used his twisted hand to hold her own.
"Just spend the night," he told her, not wanting her to leave. "Tai's gone for the rest of the week, so we have the place to ourselves."
"I can't. I'm staying with my parents until I find a place."
"In Ariake?" he asked, frowning. "It's so far away. Why don't you stay with me instead? You used to practically live here anyway, and you know Tai won't mind."
Despite the things Tai had said about Megumi during the period they weren't together, the two of them had been quite close, to the point that they would hang out together without him.
"My parents probably wouldn't like that," she said, shooting down his plan. Her parents were quite conservative, especially when it came to their elder daughter. "I'm already in trouble with them for coming back."
"They wouldn't have to know," he tried. "Tell them you're staying with a friend."
"Should I?" she thought aloud. "But I wanted to spend time with them too."
"Wouldn't you rather spend time with me?" he asked her.
With little convincing, she agreed, and it was like the old days again. He gave her an extra toothbrush and threw away Mimi's. They brushed their teeth together in the sink, he standing on the left while she stood on the right. She used Mimi's face wash to cleanse her face, neither making note of it though it was obviously a female brand. He gave her an old t-shirt of his to sleep in. She snuggled in bed on the right side because she liked to be by the window. It had been her spot. He had moved there after she had left, so Mimi had always slept on the other side. He held her face in his hands as they tried to go to sleep. Megumi was jetlagged and therefore not tired. He wasn't jetlagged, but he couldn't sleep either. Was she even real?
"What else happened while I was gone?" she asked him again. She kept asking the same thing, but each time his life sped past him. He remembered a sinking depression prior to Mimi and could only remember Mimi after that. The details that fell in between were hazy.
"Oh," he said, suddenly remembering a key event. "Guess what Tai did."
"What?"
"Just try to guess. You'll never get it."
She looked in thought for a moment. "Honestly, I can imagine him doing a lot of things. Did he get arrested?"
He laughed. "No, it's not a bad thing. He has a girlfriend."
She propped herself up on the bed. "You're lying!"
"I swear. They're pretty serious too. They've been together for a while."
"Oh no, our little Tai is all grown up," she said with a laugh, plopping back down.
Megumi was not a curious person, and therefore she never asked for elaboration. This usually went well with his personality, but after being with Mimi, who needed to know every little detail about every little thing, he had grown accustomed to questions and was surprised when she didn't ask him to expand on this further. She didn't even ask to see a picture. Wasn't she curious?
"Anything else? What else has happened?" she asked instead. She had been prodding all day, which at first felt normal given the time apart, but now he was starting to think she already had something in mind that she just wanted him to admit.
"Like what?" he asked her.
She played with his t-shirt, drawing circles with her forefinger. "Aren't you going to tell me about TK's baby?"
He looked at her, surprised. In all honesty, TK's baby had been around for so long now that he had forgotten there were people in his life who didn't know about him.
But what was surprising to him was that she already knew about Kouki.
"How do you know about his baby?"
Megumi shrugged one shoulder. "My sister told me. I can't believe TK is a father now. He's all grown up. What's his baby's name? Does it look like him or Kari? I bet it's super cute."
He wasn't listening.
"You were still keeping tabs on me…" he said to her slowly as the realisation came.
"I wasn't. My sister just told me about it one day," she explained. "You know she's friends with TK and Kari."
Their siblings were the same age and had attended school together, but he still felt irritated. He sat up in his bed, looking down at her. "You kept tabs on me and my family knowing I didn't know anything about you? Don't you think that's a little too much, Meg? Why do you get to know about TK having a baby, but I didn't get to even know where you were?"
She looked surprised by his sudden burst, sitting up too. "Yamato, I—"
"It's fine," he interrupted. He tried to calm down. He didn't need to be picking a fight right now. "I'm sorry I got worked up about it. And I'm sorry I forgot. They have a son. His name is Kouki."
"Kouki…" she repeated awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.
He reached for his phone on his bedside table and showed her some pictures he had of him. Actually, none of them were taken by him. Some had been sent by TK and Kari in their family group chat, which he read but never responded on, but the vast majority were from Mimi when they had visited. It seemed she had taken a thousand from that one day alone. He and Megumi both pretended not to see the photos that also featured her, though he diligently deleted each one as he came across them.
A selfie with Kouki. Delete.
Hands that were obviously hers making a heart around Kouki's face. Delete.
A picture of him crying. Don't delete, but she had taken it right after he had made him cry and found it funny that he was crying.
A selfie with his own profile in the back, her grinning face a contrast to his serious one. Delete.
"He looks like TK," Megumi stated, even though everyone thought he looked like Kari.
"You should have asked your sister for a picture," he said to her dryly. "I'm sure she could have gotten you one."
She didn't say anything to that, but she suddenly got up from his bed. "We aren't sleeping. Let's do something."
She was trying to lighten the mood. He couldn't tell whether he wanted to let that happen.
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Shall we try another episode of the same documentary?"
He wasn't in the mood, but he didn't decline. Taking his silence as a yes, she walked to his desk and picked up his laptop, then stopped to bring attention to the potted cactus next to it.
"I didn't know you had a green thumb, Yamato."
She laughed light-heartedly, still wanting to diffuse the tension by changing the subject to anything else.
It was Mimi's gift to him. He felt he should throw it out, but still regretting the photograph, he didn't tell her this.
"I don't. I'll probably forget to water it," he said instead.
"I won't forget to remind you," she answered, echoing what Mimi had said to him just the day before. He didn't like that he was thinking of her. He stood up and walked to her.
"I'm not in the mood to watch TV," he told her.
Instead, he took Megumi by the back of her head and pulled her to him in a familiar kiss. It was familiar, but she wasn't as passionate.
He put his hand through her hair. It was coarser than Mimi's, not as soft.
There was another team dinner, but with the partner company not in attendance, Tai saw little reason to go. He made the excuse of catching a stomach bug and went to his room to order room service instead.
Once the porter had laid everything out for him on his table, he plopped on his chair and positioned his phone in front of him, angling it against a leaflet to keep it up.
"Surprise," he greeted when Sora answered. He waved at her hello, watching her pixelated face as she worked to position her phone too.
"Why do you have so much food?" she asked him, looking at the spread in front of him.
He looked around happily. "Room service is billed to the company, so I made sure to order one of everything."
"Don't be so wasteful, Tai."
"I can eat it all," he assured her. "What are you up to?"
She held the phone above her, showing that she was eating too. "Nothing as fancy as you."
"Your cooking probably tastes better though," he admitted, then laughed. "We're having a virtual dinner date."
"It's kind of nice," Sora agreed. "It feels like we're eating together."
"We are eating together. Tell me about your day."
He tore into his steak as Sora updated him not on herself but on Mimi. She hadn't come to work and was hysterical when Sora tried to call to check on her.
"I want to hear about your day," he emphasised, interrupting her.
"Mimi is my friend, so her day affects my day," Sora told him, sounding annoyed. "Don't you care when Matt is sad?"
"Matt is always a little bit sad," Tai muttered. "You know, I thought about you all day, and when I finally get to talk to you, I just have to talk about Matt and Mimi. Stop worrying about them for a second, and tell me about you."
Sora looked pleased, though she was trying to hide it.
"Did you enjoy your day off?" she asked him instead.
He grinned. "Sor, we have to come back sometime. We had to hike two or three hours to even get to this beach, and the water and view were amazing! You would have loved it."
"That sounds so nice," she said dreamily. "I wish I were at the beach."
"Are you sure you won't burst into flames being in a bikini around me?" he asked sarcastically.
She didn't laugh.
He cleared his throat.
"Anyway, I've been thinking, and I think I'm going to finally quit my job."
Even when she wasn't in front of him, he could see the shadows of her doubt in her raised eyebrow. "You say that like it's new."
He poked at his second dish: pasta. Perhaps he shouldn't have ordered three full meals. He felt his appetite disappearing.
"I mean it this time," he told her, trying to remind himself that was what he had originally wanted.
He could remember saying that when he had first accepted the position. A senior had scoffed at him, told him that was what everyone said, but then they stayed forever. Money did that. He had said he would be different, but fast forward five years, and that was exactly what he had become. He knew a career change to what he really wanted to do would inevitably come with an income reduction. In truth, he was disappointed in himself for letting that become a deterrent, but it wasn't just about the salary.
More than that was the unknown.
He'd be restarting his career at nearly 28. He was in a managerial position in his current job. Wherever he'd go next, he wouldn't. That was the scariest part.
He considered himself an extrovert. Nobody could ever doubt that about him, but contrary to what people assumed, he was never one to delve into his feelings too much. He did things because he wanted to, so he wasn't the type to sit and think through decisions for long periods of time. He liked to keep to things that made him happy. He avoided whatever did not.
He had wanted to ask Sora about her day, but instead he found himself spilling this to her. She was a much slower eater than him, but he talked so much that she finished everything before he had even finished his first dish.
Sora's first response was to laugh.
"What's so funny?" he asked. He was trying to be serious.
"This is the first time you've ever opened up to me."
"That's not true."
"It is! You're always so rock solid mentally and emotionally that you never seem to have any worries. I'm the type who worries a lot, so I've always noticed this about you. It's cute."
"I'm glad my stress is so cute to you," he retorted dryly.
"I admire that side of you," she said to him with a smile. "I wish I could be as carefree as you."
"I'm not as carefree as you think I am," he told her, "but I'm definitely more carefree than you are."
"Hey!" she warned him. "Tai, you told me you want to change jobs on our first date, but you haven't done anything about it since then. I agree that it's scary to pursue something new, but you don't seem like the kind of person who would back down from a challenge like that, right? If anyone can do it, it'd be you."
He smirked. "Sora Takenouchi, are you complimenting me?"
"At the risk of inflating your ego, yes, I am a little."
"You think I'm amazing," he interpreted.
"I think you're capable," she rephrased.
He laughed, finding it funny that she couldn't bring herself to go through with the praise.
"I guess we could finally go on that Bali trip if I quit," he added.
They had been trying to schedule it for two months, but they still hadn't picked a date because of Tai's business deal. If he quit, they could go before he started his next job.
"Have you revised your CV yet? If you want, I can help you with that when you get back. I helped Mimi with hers to get her a job at my company."
"Working on my job applications together… That sounds sexy. I can just imagine it. We'll see each other for the first time in a week, and even though I can think of countless other things I'd rather do, the first thing we'll actually engage in is working on my job applications together as a wholesome alternative activity."
"Oh, shush," she said, but she was smiling, trying to stifle a laugh so she wouldn't let him think he was funny. He could still see it though. "I miss you, Tai. Come back soon."
"First admit that you think I'm amazing, and I'll tell you I miss you too."
The video went black. She had hung up on him. He chuckled as he reached over for his phone to call her back.
5 April 2020
Some notes:
- Megumi lives in Ariake, which is the district directly east of Odaiba. It's featured quite heavily in both Adventure and tri. For example, Tokyo Big Sight is located there.
- Tai works at a shosha, which is a type of Japanese conglomerate that can be comparable to the Big Four in the west. These careers are highly sought not only for the name but for having higher salaries and better growth opportunities compared to traditional Japanese companies. Someone working in a shosha is unlikely to want to switch jobs because it would be difficult to come across the same benefits elsewhere. (It's also a stereotype that they make desirable husbands.)