My fingers twisted the cords of my bracelet around one another as I sat in the dining hall. The plan this morning had been to return to normal - ha! As if there was such a thing right now - and to get a good, long run in. I had picked up a little wind up alarm clock from the shop now that Al's watch wasn't waking me up. I don't think that Christina had appreciated the tinny bells ringing, but it got me in and out of the showers before the rest of the Dauntless in the dorm.

When I had arrived at the dining hall looking for Eric, I'd been disappointed but not surprised that he wasn't there. He hadn't been around much ever since Phase Three started. But I wasn't going to give up today. I settled in at one of the tables with a mug of hot tea to watch the door. First it was just to wait five minutes to see if he'd show. Then ten. I ended up nursing my mug for well over twenty minutes for him to show.

He looked… tired. Dark circles wrapped around his eyes. Still, he met my wave with a nod of his head and wound his way to the bench I'd claimed. Along the way he picked up coffee. "Morning," I greeted as he sank into the seat next to me.

He grunted and downed a good third of the drink. The pot must have been sitting for a while, otherwise he shouldn't have been able to chug it quite as fast as he was. That or he was truly desperate for caffeine. One heavy hand rubbed at his eyes. I could see now that they were bleary and bloodshot.

"Have you slept?" I wondered aloud. "You look like hell."

Eric chuckled. "That's what I should be asking you. Initiation isn't supposed to be some walk in the park. How come you're the one bright eyed and I'm the one exhausted?" he said.

I drained the rest of my tea, using the mug to hide my amusement. "I'm not complaining," I replied. We both knew Initiation wasn't going easily. There were too many problems and too few good days or so it felt. I just wanted to take in this moment, as simple as it was. Eric's body was warm next to me with his shoulder pressed against mine.

He took another long sip of his coffee. I twisted my mug around in my hands. "Been waiting long?" he asked.

"A bit," I admitted.

"No sugar, but 's'all I got to say sorry for making you wait," Eric offered. I felt heat on my palms and on the tips of my ears. Both were from the coffee he tipped into my mug from his own.

I took a sip. Bitterness coated my tongue. There was an aftertaste, too, that hadn't been in the cup he'd bought me at the cafe. I still appreciated the gesture. "Are we-" we , such a fantastic word to say "-going to do any training this morning? I don't want to slip if suddenly there's a spur of the moment physical exam along with the sims."

Eric looked first at the clock and then wistfully at his mug. He sighed as he pushed himself up from the bench. "Sure," he replied.

I gave him a look, borrowing Christina's one-eyebrow-arched-in-disbelief move. "You want to finish your coffee first?" I wanted to give him a bit of a jab too, but I couldn't think of a clever enough wording. It was still early. And I was enjoying chatting with him.

"Walk and drink," he grunted, already taking another sip. I scrambled to follow him, downing the rest of my mug on the way. There wasn't enough left to justify bringing it. Eric waited for me at the doorway. He turned towards the pit rather than the training gyms.

"New training?" I questioned.

"Another thing. I remembered I had something to give you and I left it upstairs," he replied. He didn't elaborate. I dogged his footsteps, feeling self-conscious. I fought with myself all the way to the elevator.

He has something for me. Specifically for me? Was it different than the water bottles which had been for everyone? It seemed like it if he had left it upstairs. But maybe he just had a box of somethings and they'd been left in the office for whenever Lauren or Four came by to get them.

I chewed on my lip and the question as the elevator door opened to Leadership. I didn't think that Four and Lauren came up here often. Eric was more or less overseeing them and he'd always show up at the training room when he needed to. So then it was likely that the item wasn't something that the trainers were going to pick up later, right? I hoped so, at least.

Kyle waved two fingers at us as we passed his desk. No matter the time of day, it seemed like he was there. He'd been in the same exact spot when Marlene and I had arrived to report the assault to Max.

"Where were you the other night?" I asked quietly. "I never had the chance to ask. Not that it's my business."

Eric opened his office door, grimaced, and gestured for me to enter. It was in far worse of a state than it had been on my last visit. Folders and papers were strewn across the desk, the second-hand filing cabinets, and even the two tiny chairs crammed into the corner. Eric made a half-hearted attempt to clean off the space in front of his keyboard before sitting heavily in his chair instead. His coffee mug was placed on a shelf behind him, atop a clunky tablet.

"Just… move whatever," he grunted.

"I think I can guess what's been keeping you from sleeping," I teased. He gave me a steely glare, though it was just as lackluster as his cleaning. "I know- don't ask," I said. I pantomimed zipping my lips before moving the smaller of the two piles off of the chair.

Eric extended a hand to take the files. I caught glimpses of names - last names, it looked like - on the tabs of the folders. Some had date ranges on them. Others only had one date. "Leadership's a blast," Eric growled.

I followed my promise and I didn't ask for him to elaborate. He took the files and shoved them atop an already precarious tower on the filing cabinet.

"To answer your earlier question, I was off-site that night. If I had known…" his voice trailed off.

I played with my hands in my lap. "You can't be everywhere. Max was here and he was really helpful for Marlene," I asserted. It wasn't much but I was being truthful. I didn't know that Eric would have been someone to put Marlene at ease. Max had the respect of everyone, at least from what I saw. When he had sworn that the situation would be resolved there had been no questioning it.

"It's still my job," Eric insisted. His hand went back to rub at the bridge of his nose. "After Molly, I really thought that things would ease off."

I didn't know what to say. "Being with the trainee Dauntless has been good. Last year's Initiates. They're nice," I offered. There wasn't much else to add. It had been several days with no further news yet. I hoped that maybe there would be something, but Lauren and Four had been tight-lipped. Nothing had changed.

Eric's hand blocked his eyes. When he pulled it away, he had to blink them several times. "It's not enough," he growled. "I'm supposed to be the one watching you guys, checking in with Four and Lauren. How the hell am I supposed to do that if I'm getting told…" He bit back any further words with a shake of his head. Frustration lay thickly over the exhaustion already hanging over the room.

"Fuck," Eric snarled, slapping his desk suddenly.

I tensed in my chair. It was the wrong reaction. His shoulders slumped when he saw.

"This isn't how Dauntless is supposed to be," Eric said. His voice dropped low, barely a murmur. "You hear me? This isn't normal. You can't-. When things level out again-. Just. You guys have to do better than we are," he started and stopped trains of thought without making sense. His head tipped back as he struggled to articulate what he meant.

I edged forward on the seat of the chair and reached out. My fingers grazed his. I'm not sure what had me so emboldened, but I couldn't stand to sit there uselessly. I was sick of holding back when someone struggled in front of me. I gripped his hand and squeezed.

"You're doing the best you can. I don't think anyone would say otherwise," I said earnestly.

He laughed bitterly, his head shaking slowly. "If you knew half the shit that gets done up here, I don't think you'd be saying that," Eric replied.

I chewed on my lip, trying to judge what best to say to that. To any of it. "I don't know what happens up here," I admitted, "but I know you, Eric. At least a little bit. I don't think you would sit up here buried in work all hours if you weren't trying to do what's best."

His hand was limp under mine. I tipped my head to try and bring his eye back to mine. "Things might be rough, but they'll work out. Initiation. The investigation. All of that will be wrapped up soon and things will ease off. It has to."

Slowly Eric lowered his head. Darkness still edged his eyes, but he wasn't quite as despondent as he had been. "I hope you're right," he said. I felt his hand squeeze mine back just once.

He cleared his throat and moved to rifle through one of his drawers. "Anyway, we didn't come up here to get distracted by my problems," he said with a grunt. From the drawer he pulled out a black, fabric sheath. After nudging the drawer closed with his knee, Eric paused to regard the item. His mouth was set in a slight frown.

My knee bobbed up and down as I fought my curiosity. A weapon? That was what he was giving me, right? Or was this something else, something unrelated from his pile of mess?

Then, he sighed and held out the handle to me. "This was supposed to be mostly symbolic. To show that you've learned what you need to in order to protect yourself and others. 'Cept I think it's better to get now rather than in a week. In case you need it," Eric explained.

I took the knife from him, letting the weight settle heavy in my hand. It was near identical to the simulation blade, the one that I'd thrown to save my team and nearly been shot in return. As I slid it out from the case, my eyebrow lifted.

"This is the knife that you were going to let Christina keep. From the fight," I whispered. The blade was dark, not metallic. I hadn't seen one like it since that day.

Eric nodded. "She didn't earn it," he said, still as matter of fact about it as he had been that day.

I turned the blade over in my hand, trying to memorize the feel of it in my palm. Could I accept it? If Christina saw it, she would no doubt recognize it. Would she know it came from Eric? Would she know it was the same one or just think it was a fluke?

Did I care either way? A deep, hot feeling in my gut burned as I held it despite the internal confusion. I wanted to have earned this from Eric. I pushed myself harder every day. I did extra drills, dealt with bullshit like Molly, and had the respect of one of the members of Leadership.

I carefully slide the knife back into its sheath. I still needed to hear it from Eric. "And you're saying I did?" I asked quietly.

Eric's lip twitched in a brief smile. "Well the jury's out on if you could beat-" his joke was cut off by a sharp knock on his office door. His good mood drained from his face as a pair of Erudite strode into his office.

I shot to my feet. Revulsion surged in my stomach as I recognized the woman who came in second. It was hard to not recognize Jeanine Matthews, the current faction leader of Erudite. She had placed herself prominently in the room during the Choosing Ceremony and, more importantly, had been listed as the primary author on many of the anti-Abnegation reports sent out over the past year. Her cold visage graced the front page of nearly every report for the past six months.

Neither Erudite considered me at first. I looked urgently at Eric for some indication of what was happening. "Jeanine, Wesley. You're early," he greeted sharply. His eyes flicked to mine and he gestured with a twitch of his head for me to leave. "And you're dismissed, Prior."

I had to step around Jeanine. She barely budged, though I could feel her attention on me as I did so. It was as though a chill had settled on the back of my neck. A sixth sense telling me watch out .

"Prior? Andrew Prior's daughter, from Abnegation?" I heard her ask. Goosebumps surged on my shoulders as I heard her say my father's name.

"I'm not sure," Eric replied dismissively. "I never asked. She's Dauntless now. Can we get on to whatever was so urgent you had to interrupt my morning?"

I nearly froze in the doorway. What did Eric have to gain from lying about knowing who I was? What did I gain from his denial?

As the door snapped shut behind me, I was left with the feeling that I was now walking away from something I wasn't supposed to be privy to. I paused to strap my new knife to my calf, ears straining to make out anything leeching through Eric's door. Erudite and Dauntless had a close relationship, but that was different than getting together before six AM when Leadership already had plenty on their plates. Or maybe that was just my distrust for Jeanine talking.

I learned nothing. No clear words made their way through the walls. My curiosity shriveled as I heard footsteps making their way around the horseshoe office corridor. I scurried out before anyone noticed I was still lingering, feeling conflicted on how the morning had progressed.

I peered over my shoulder as I moved to Kyle's desk. there was no mistaking Max's broad shoulders as he passed into Eric's office as well.

"Busy morning," Kyle said cheerfully. I flashed him a look.

"Does that happen often?" I questioned. I'll admit it. After all of Eric's obvious 'don't ask' looks, I was burning with curiosity.

Kyle started to shrug and then swiftly changed his posture. "That's not mine to tell," he replied evasively.

"I get it," I insisted. I tossed in a bright smile to boot. "If you see him, tell Eric 'thanks'." Kyle jotted a note down on a sticky note before politely gesturing to the elevators.

Walking around left me feeling… exposed. It seemed like I should have gotten in trouble almost. I waited for someone to speak up, to see the knife strapped to my calf and insist that wasn't something that I should have. It was a raw nerve.

I couldn't trace why I felt this way, not immediately at least. When Tori waved at me across the Pit at dinner my stomach dropped to my feet. Yet she saw nothing wrong. Said nothing to me. She just turned and filled her tray and left me to my own little bubble of overthinking.

It meant so much to me. That had to be obvious to everyone else, too, right? Yet no one seemed to notice. I went through my day in a state of bewildered shock. Maybe I was off kilter because we had been interrupted. I didn't get to hear Eric say that I did actually deserve the gift. He did let me walk out of there with it though. A small voice, one that I shouldn't be giving any attention to, told me it was because the gift had meant just as much to Eric as it did to me, now.

I fought that line of thinking, squashing the surge of butterflies in my stomach when my thoughts headed in that direction.

This wasn't a thing.

And yet, it was still something. I had the proof. A token showing that Eric thought about me in a different sort of way than he did Christina or even Marlene. If this was solely about protecting oneself, I would have expected to see Marlene with one as well or something equivalent from Max.

No, this wasn't nothing. I don't think my confidence could take it at this point if the gift hadn't meant something. I couldn't decide if I wanted the others to bring up the blade on my calf. I was also relieved that they hadn't yet. Other than the color of the blade itself, it seemed to be like the other knives I'd seen on the kits of Dauntless moving casually throughout their day to day life.

If anyone asked, I was prepared to tell them it was just a precaution I picked up after the last attack. No one would blame me, either. Hell I could even tell them it helped me feel like I was fitting in as a transfer. More than a few of our new year-one Dauntless babysitters had expressed some concern about we transfers really integrating with the culture.

"You seem distracted today," Lynn commented from across the table. She was perched on the bench, one foot up and the other barely touching the ground like she was seconds from launching herself in another direction. Very twitchy, Lynn was these days.

I cleared my throat and tried in vain to return to the present. "Who, me?" I countered.

"Yeah, you. Feel like joining the rest of us back on Earth or are you having too much fun in the clouds?" she asked. I think she was joking. I hoped she was despite her sharp tone.

The knife had to be a thing. Now I just had to hope that no one else did the mental math and came to the same conclusion. If I could barely handle thinking about it, lord knows what Christina or Lynn would think. Shit. Lynn. I was zoning out again.

"Or just stay quiet and weird. That's fine, too," Lynn added. She laughed though.

"Hang on," I quickly said. In an attempt to prove I wasn't still zoning out - and to snap out of the circle of thoughts that I couldn't seem to break - I slapped my cheek with the flat of my hand. "There. Awake and back on planet Earth," I joked.

Uriah snorted. "Eh, let her be. It's been a week." No adjective was necessary to further describe our training - our whole life - lately. It was just. A week. Neverending and painful.

Will wound his way through the tables to return to Christina's side. He brought along with him a plate of oatmeal protein bars and two Dauntless that I recognized from our new dormitory. They were young, like us, but they had that Dauntless movement to their steps. Not quite a swagger, but a constantly changing stance.

I still didn't feel comfortable meeting new people. Things were different than when I had been in school. As a "stiff," we didn't tend to get invited to just shoot the breeze with whomever. Part of me was still entrenched in the class mentality - these two had been Initiated for a year now! They couldn't possibly have anything relevant to say with the rest of us. My guard stayed up whenever I interacted with someone new. But I was learning, I'd like to think. I remembered meeting these two some time last night when Will was showing us a card game he used to play with his sister Cara.

Mara and Jean, the two Dauntless, re-introduced themselves and that was it. Will's offering of food diverted the conversation back away from my zoning out. I got to stop overthinking. For the brief window of time as everyone ate and reconnected, conversation remained light and easy.

It was, in a word, nice. Like yesterday morning I felt my confidence blooming just under my skin rather than buried deep in the pit of my stomach. It was easy to banter about target practice and simulation time scores. I didn't have to feel like I was putting on a show.

"It'll be nice when it's all over," Will admitted.

"Then we can stop hearing about how great the show-offs like Tris and Urie are at thinking through their problems and we can get to the real stuff - exhausting drills five long, long days a week," Marlene said. I choked on my water, sputtering through indignant denials until I realized she was teasing.

Uriah slapped me on the back, ignoring - deliberately, I assume - how I winced from how hard he hit. I punched his shoulder as I recovered my breath. "You'd best change that attitude, Marlene. Soon you'll just be hearing about one show-off, me. You do remember we tied for the first time after we got smoke bombed. By the time we're done, you'll be saying 'Tris who?'," Uriah boasted.

Mara raised a stubby index finger. I noticed she had a web of ink threaded around each of her knuckles. "I hate to cut in to all the silly sim posturing, but you're not going to be drilling 24/5," she said.

Jean nodded sagely in agreement. "It'll be more like 24/7," they finished. A chorus of groans settled over the table.

"Should have expected that," Will said, resigned to our fate.

Christina scrunched her face and wrapped herself further around Will's arm. "Gross," she sighed.

It was all nice, simple, and straightforward. I let myself fall into the lull of being with friends and new acquaintances.

"Can I ask," Lynn interjected suddenly, "when you guys - you Mara and Jean - when you were Initiating, did anything crazy happen?"

Mara tilted her head. Jean picked out each individual piece of oat from their protein bar as they listened. "Crazy like what?" Mara replied. My good mood sank and stuck in my chest. We couldn't have one nice night without going over all this again?

"She means like the stabbing of that transfer. Edward was his name, right?" Jean interrupted, their voice tight.

Mara's face scrunched as she became visibly uncomfortable. "You don't want to talk about something so unpleasant as that, do you?" she replied.

Lynn refused to accept the clear deflection. Her eyes were sharp. "So then this isn't normal," Lynn confirmed. Jean and Mara exchanged a series of looks. Neither seemed to want to respond.

Marlene tried to distract Lynn as well. She took the other girl's hand and spoke through gritted teeth. "We already knew this wasn't normal. But it's okay. We're fine. I'm fine."

"Like hell it's okay," Lynn snarled. She whirled to throw an accusatory finger in my face once again. The gentle ribbing from earlier was long gone. "How do you not know what happened? You were there. You saw them both. You have to know who they were."

I'd like to say that my friends cut in then to defend me. I didn't want to sit there in that dining hall with seven sets of eyes staring back at me with questions in each pupil. Even Marlene waited on baited breath for me to respond.

"Well?" Lynn barked.

Cold ran through my veins. It should have frozen me, kept me silent. Instead I felt the same clarity that had come over when Christina and I had argued about targets and victims in the simulation waiting room. I was done being scapegoated when there were actual villains out there. I didn't budge from my position at the table. My blood pounded in my ears.

"I'm not going to sit here while you accuse me of covering up for someone. Maybe all of you have forgotten - especially you Dauntless-borns - but I've been a victim since the first fucking week here. I've been on the other side of all of this. On my own. Molly didn't get kicked out over a stupid street fight. She broke my goddamn ribs and I didn't have a clue it was her. That's why when I saw those two rat bastards going after Marlene I went after them," I hissed.

"I wish that I had seen their faces. If I knew who they were - if I had the slightest guess of which person among us was one of those slinking, weavil-eyed scumbags - I would tell you." A laugh bubbled up from my throat, manic and shaky.

"Actually, I probably wouldn't," I admitted. "I would tell someone who could actually do something. Lauren. Or Four. Or I'd go straight up the chain to Eric. And I wouldn't regret it. Because I trusted all of you to have my back and to realize that there was danger here. None of you did."

I saw the wince that cut across Christina's face. To a lesser degree, Will also curled away from the venom of my words. Fine. That was fine. Lynn sat eerily still, her spine like iron and her face hard as stone. Marlene at least had the good sense to look away.

"That's fucked up," Mara whispered.

I twisted my head and held her gaze. I only just managed to bite my tongue from saying something cruel. "That's my whole point," I said instead.

"You know, I wouldn't have tried anything if you did give a guess. I'm just saying… you should have some kind of thought on who they were," Lynn grumbled. She crumbled, dropping her eyes to stare at the crumbs in front of her instead. It might have been for Marlene's benefit. Or maybe I'd gone toe to toe with the tough girl and found the limits of that facade.

"My guess is as good as Marlene's. And neither one of us has a clue," I said.

Lip pinned beneath her teeth, Marlene refused to name anyone.

"Fine," Lynn hissed. "You made your point." It didn't feel particularly rewarding. The cold had faded and I was left with an ache in my shoulders and back from holding myself so stiffly.

"We've got your backs now," Jean said, still reserved but clearly trying to be helpful and relieve the tension about the table. "The way a real Dauntless crew should. You'll be okay."

"And if we're not?" Marlene's voice trembled. She cleared her throat and added, "What do we do if something happens again?"

Jean fell silent again. Mara smiled reassuringly at Marlene. "Chances are they won't make it through the sims. Only desperate folks try to attack people above them in the chain. You've only got, what, two more days until the test?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Will sputtered. "Two days till what?"

My heart skipped a beat. I stopped thinking of counterarguments to Mara's first statement.

Jean smacked her on the shoulder. "The schedule's a secret you moron." Mara's face turned an ugly shade of crimson.

Marlene stood up and bolted from the table, her face cradled in her hands. As expected, Lynn was after her in an instant. It took Uriah a moment longer as he had to shake off the shock that came with Mara's revelation.

There were only two days left.

Fuck.

A/N: It's been a minute, hasn't it friends? I hope your 2020 is going well. I'm posting this just before Valentine's Day and I hope you all enjoyed it! Ch 33 is in the works as well :) Cheers, Dragon