Happy five-year anniversary to tri.! I'm a sucker for dates, so I really wanted to put up another chapter by the anniversary.
For those who don't know, if you can even believe it, I lost my file again. Luckily, I keep the outline and notes in a separate document, so not all was lost—just rewritten.
Paradigm Shift
Chapter 27: Equilibrium
A month had passed without Tai even realising where that time had gone. He learned he had to take a test in order to be in consideration for the ministry, so for the first time since his university graduation, he found himself studying. He was never one who had taken education too seriously, but he put forth an effort that he had never had as a student.
He stopped driving to work, choosing instead to take the subway so that he could use that time to read. He ate lunch at his desk, multitasking between eating and scouring the internet for articles of interest. He even sat at his normally forsaken desk at home for an hour each night, alternating between catching up on world events and taking mock exams.
Despite his efforts during the weekdays, however, he found he still got the most achieved during the weekends, when the distractions of his everyday work and life were less prominent. This raised his stress levels and irritability because he couldn't find a time when he wasn't "on," but it wasn't all that bad.
Studying mostly came down to reading the news and keeping himself updated on the matters of the world. He already did this on a regular basis, so the only real switch was reading less on business matters and instead on political and economic welfare. Sora too took a sudden interest, sparking dialogue whenever she could so that he could practise for the interview. She was even the one who had gotten him his study guide, which gave him the extra boost of motivation to actually use it.
Her support was touching, but sometimes when she was trying to stimulate his mind, he would wish for a different type of stimulation. He would think that while he had plenty of friends and family members who could show a similar level of mental and emotional support, she was in theory the only ethical person with whom he could receive a physical one.
Ten months in, she still wouldn't sleep with him and showed no signs of changing that. He had an anticipative thought that perhaps she was waiting for their one-year anniversary, but she gave no indication in support of this, and he thought he was setting himself up for disappointment by entertaining the thought alone.
He knew these were selfish thoughts, because the fact of the matter was that she had become nearly as invested in his goals as he had. He knew he was supposed to be thankful—and he was. It was just that gratitude alone wasn't enough.
Still, it wasn't all bad. She provided relief from his stress in different ways, and they spent each weekend doing some sort of physical activity together, such as walking new hiking trails or running around the city. He had gotten better at tennis too, and for the first time since she had started teaching him, he had won today. She sincerely congratulated him and paid for their smoothie treat for the first time as per their tradition, rejecting his proposal to switch that for a shower together.
"One day, you'll say yes," he told her with a grin.
They headed back to her place, and she showered first, then him. This was always their order, even though he was much faster than her. In her room, he changed into new clothes, that yellow dinosaur shirt and one pair of boxers no longer his only articles of clothing in her home. With Megumi now a constant presence at his place, he noticed that Sora was more open to having him stay there.
He pulled a university logo hoodie he had had for far too long over his head, followed by putting on football shorts that he had had for even longer. They used to have a tear on the seam, but he noticed one day that Sora had sewn it back up for him.
Once decent, he walked back outside to the kitchen where Sora had already begun prepping dinner. She was standing over the stove, grilling meat in a pan.
"Smells good," he commented, walking to her.
She turned her head to him as he hugged her from behind. She frowned seeing him.
"I know you hate my outfit," he said knowingly, kissing the side of her head. "Let me be comfortable."
"It's not that…" She reached upwards and touched his damp locks. "You need a haircut."
"You always think I need a haircut," he said dismissively. He changed the subject. "Do you need help?"
She turned back to the frying pan, moving around pieces of pork with her wooden spoon. "It's all right. How do you feel about shogayaki?"
He didn't know why she asked him, as he had never once not eaten anything she had given him.
Since moving out of his parents' home, the only meals he had ever really made for himself were simple breakfast dishes, but he had managed not to starve through life from a combination of purchasing meals and bumming off Matt. He had never really felt bad about Matt always being the one to cook, but it was different when it came to Sora. He tried to make up for his incompetence by doing the dishes or picking up the groceries whenever he could, and even though she insisted she didn't mind, it never felt like enough.
Even now, he wanted to try to help her, but he was mostly just standing next to her and watching the food cook.
"If you want to be helpful, you can set the table," she offered, so he did so.
By the time he had finished, she was done and brought out a serving plate of their main course. Her culinary skills were so good that nearly everything she made was cooked to perfection, and his palate wasn't so sophisticated that he could notice the difference in anything, but he knew she always gave him what she considered to be the better made portion, taking the subpar results for herself.
She placed a long piece of pork loin on his plate, then watched him take his first bite as she watched expectantly.
"Do you like it?" she asked, which she always did.
"It's amazing," he responded. He always gave her some variation of the same positive feedback, but she always looked at him so expectantly, as if waiting for him to spit it out and tell her that he hated it.
She looked happy at his response. "Eat a lot, Tai. I made extra, so you can take some home to have for lunch tomorrow too."
He grew excited for tomorrow's lunch prospects. Packing lunch for him was something Sora had recently begun doing for him as well, ever since he told her that he had begun to eat lunch at his desk. He had originally told her thinking she would be proud of him for cutting back on food costs, for he had switched from expensive restaurants with his colleagues to cheap takeaway food that his assistant picked up for him. Rather, she worried for his health and gave him her homecooked lunches, always explaining how each ingredient would help his wellbeing in some way or another.
As he was eating, he could feel her staring at him. He looked up and locked eyes with her.
"Do I have something on my face?" he asked, wiping the corner of his lip with his thumb.
She stood up slightly from her seat and reached across the table to kiss him on the lips. A little taken aback but enjoying it all the same, he sucked the sweet ginger sauce from her lips. He wanted more, but she withdrew and sat back down. He'd try again later.
"My ex-boyfriend reached out to me today."
He raised an eyebrow, surprised by the revelation. He had always assumed they weren't on speaking terms. "Did he?"
She nodded slightly. "He's coming up from Kyoto tomorrow for a conference and wanted to grab dinner together. There's that new sushi place by where I work that I was telling you about before, so I'm thinking about taking him there."
He looked on curiously, finding it strange that she was mentioning him so casually when every other time had brought out a much more emotive response.
"Are you telling me this because you want permission to go?"
She looked straight up at him. "No, I'm telling you this because I'll be busy tomorrow night. Why would I need your permission to go?"
She had said it with a tinge of aggression. He was surprised that her reaction also activated an aggression in him too.
"I didn't realise we were allowed to see our exes like that," he replied sarcastically. "You know, if this were in reverse, you'd accuse me of hiding something from you."
"I'm not hiding anything from you. I just told you it's going to happen."
"Fine. Have fun."
He started eating again, though he had suddenly lost his appetite. Sora, on the other hand, was eating as if nothing had happened, though they were now having their dinner in silence.
He felt himself grow more annoyed. He kept fighting the urge to bring it up again, knowing it wouldn't lead anywhere.
In the end, he couldn't control himself.
"But why does it have to be dinner?" he asked.
"Tai."
"I just don't understand why you're hanging out with him if he cheated on you."
She glared at him, as if he had brought up a forbidden topic. "We ended our relationship, but that doesn't mean our friendship has ended too."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means I'm an adult who can separate two things," she shot down.
He forced himself not to glare at her.
"Sorry I'm so childish then," he said instead.
She sighed, annoying him further because it made him seem like he was the one overreacting. "Does it really bother you that much, Tai? If it makes you uncomfortable, I can cancel it. It's not that important to me."
He wanted to tell her to cancel it. Yes, it bothered him.
"What if you change it to lunch instead?" he compromised, his pride kicking aside his feelings.
"Fine, I'll ask him."
They began eating again. He was a much faster eater than her, but she ended up finishing before him. She got up to clear her plate, and he could tell by the way she didn't once look his way that she was annoyed with him too.
He could feel his own hypocrisy. This was the sort of jealousy issue he had with past girls, and he had hated it with a passion. He was imposing the same on her, but at the same time, he was beginning to belatedly understand how his ex-girlfriends must have felt.
He heard running water, so he shovelled the rest of the food in his mouth and walked into the kitchen where Sora was. She had started on the dishes, but he nudged her aside, saying he'd do them.
"Are you trying to be nice because you were being crazy earlier?" she asked, drying her hands on a towel.
"I don't think I was being crazy," he replied dryly.
"To think I'd see the day you'd get jealous," she joked, putting her arms around his neck. "My ex and I are completely platonic. That's why I can still see him. I promise."
"I believe you."
She let go of him and went on her phone, typing away. "I'll ask him whether lunch is okay. That's probably better anyway. I heard that place has good lunch specials."
Tai grunted as a response, then didn't say anything until he finished cleaning. "All done."
She wrapped her arms around him again and pressed her lips to his. "You know, my ex never did the dishes back when we lived together."
He subconsciously stepped back and stared at her.
"What did you just say?"
She looked at him confusedly as he drew back, her arms also dropping to her side as his distance grew. "What is it?"
"Did you just say you lived with him?" he asked, feeling a burning sensation somewhere between his eyes and his ears.
"Yes, I've said this to you before."
"No, you haven't." He could hear his voice getting louder and firmer.
"I have. You just don't remember."
"No, I would remember something like that."
"Oh, well, yes, I did live with him for a bit."
"Why haven't you mentioned this to me before?"
"I told you I thought I had. I must have just forgotten."
"You forgot to mention it?"
"Tai, it isn't important."
"I think it's very important," he retorted. "You barely let me stay the night here, but you lived with your ex-boyfriend? The same ex-boyfriend you want to see tomorrow?"
"Stop saying crazy things."
"I'm not being crazy. Why have you never mentioned this to me?"
"Tai, drop it."
"I don't want to drop it."
"Tai," she emphasised. "Drop. It."
She walked out of the kitchen before he could respond. Her tone had been dangerous, but for once he wasn't scared. Sora could bring out annoyance and fright in him, but this was different.
He was angry, and he had to take a second to collect himself, closing his eyes and telling himself to keep his cool even though his cool was already long gone.
He walked out after her and saw her sitting on the couch.
"The match is on," she told him, increasing the volume now that he was there.
He ignored her and instead gathered his belongings.
"Are you leaving?" she asked him. Usually, he never left until she practically forced him out the door.
"Have a good night," was his answer.
He could hear his own tone, trying his hardest to sound nice when in reality he didn't care whether she had a good night.
"Do you want the leftovers?" she asked, standing up from the couch. "I can pack it for you really quickly. Just give me a second."
"I'm good," he said, wanting her to stop speaking to him before he'd say something he'd regret. He stuffed his feet into his trainers, his hand on the door knob.
She walked over to the door.
"Hey," she called after him once he had opened the door.
He looked to her. She stepped towards him and gave him a long, slow kiss.
"I love you, okay?"
He didn't say anything back. She tried to kiss him again, but he pulled away.
"Good night," he muttered before turning back around to leave.
She thought he was easy, he decided. She thought she had him wrapped around her finger. He wasn't allowed to even look in another girl's direction, while she'd frolic with her ex-boyfriend—and she thought that as long as she kissed him, that'd be enough for him to be okay with everything.
The nerve.
He was glaring at his TV screen, staring at the game he had refused to watch with Sora, not knowing at all what was happening.
Matt walked out from the kitchen and saw him.
"You look like you're in a good mood."
"I'm not."
"I was being sarcastic." Matt raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with you?"
Tai glared hatefully at the screen, which he had only turned on to get his mind off of things. Instead, it just added noise on top of his anger, probably amplifying it.
"Sora's going to see her bastard ex-boyfriend tomorrow."
"You mean the one who cheated on her?" Matt asked. Reading Tai's expression, he explained, "Mimi told me about him."
"Yeah, the one she dated for six years or some bullshit like that—and evidently they lived together too, but she somehow failed to mention this to me in the last ten months. Can you believe it? Do you know how much shit she'd give me if I forgot to mention something like that?"
"But you've never lived with any of your ex-girlfriends."
"That's beside the point."
"So Sora is going to see her ex-boyfriend, and you're jealous," Matt concluded.
"I'm not jealous."
Matt chuckled smugly at him. "Are you sure?"
"I'm not jealous of her stupid ex-boyfriend who I neither know nor care about." He stood up, a little hurt that Matt wasn't sympathising, and left the conversation.
He went into his room and attempted to study, but he couldn't focus, and instead he stared at his wall for hours, his mind a convoluted stew of boiling raw emotion that he couldn't contain. He could hear his phone buzz every so often, but he was in no condition to check any of it.
When he finally grew sleepy, he crawled into bed, still angrily thinking about it as he fell asleep.
He woke up thinking about it too, and with each passing moment the feeling became worse. Knowing he was in no mental state to study, he drove to work for the first time in a while just so he could grumble angrily to himself, his road rage flaring for the most trivial reasons that usually wouldn't bother him.
Currently, he was seated at his desk in his office, hours into work without actually having gotten anything done yet. He felt crazy jealous in a way he had never been in his entire life.
He had a line of messages from Sora that had gone unanswered by him since he left her flat.
18:09 – Congratulations on your team's win. How happy are you?
21:10 – I switched from dinner to lunch like you wanted. Satisfied?
22:07 – I'm watching something even trashier than Love Island. I'm going to make you watch it tomorrow.
22:45 – Are you asleep?
23:06 – I guess you are. Have a good night! x
07:23 – Good morning!
08:16 – Nooo, my bus is delayed! I'm going to be late for work!
09:07 – I'm seven minutes late, but I don't think anyone has noticed. Phew!
09:45 – Let's meet for dinner? You wanted to try that Thai place, right? Let's go there if you aren't going to work late?
10:02 – If you're going to be late, just let me know. I've just remembered I found a recipe for Thai curry that I've been wanting to try, so I can make that instead if you're going to get caught at work. What do you think?
10:08 – Can you let me know by five so I know whether I should go to the supermarket? I'm okay with either one.
11:03 – Did you forget your phone at home?
He was certain she was annoyed with him now too. The messaging app showed that her messages had been read by him, so it was obvious that he was just not responding to her.
He didn't care. She was expecting him to let this go like it was just any old conversation, but he refused. He was not okay with this.
He had known about her ex-boyfriend for so long, but he had never really taken any of that seriously. He regretted his past actions. He had depended on his own detached mindset towards his exes, but Sora had given multiple hints that she wasn't the same. Just because he only saw in black and white didn't mean she didn't see the grey space in between.
How could he have been so apathetic?
Between her lack of disclosure and his lack of interest, he realised he knew almost nothing about her ex-boyfriend. He knew they dated for a long time. He knew whatever residual bad memories remained affected his current relationship with her. He now knew they had lived together.
He still couldn't believe she had hidden that from him.
He also knew they were getting lunch today.
He glanced over at the wall clock on his office wall. Sora always ate lunch at noon, and it was already ten past. She had probably already met up with him. He tried to stop himself from making up scenarios in his mind, but they crept up anyways and prevented him from thinking about anything else.
His assistant entered his office. She had probably knocked, but he hadn't heard it.
"What is it?" he growled.
His assistant was so self-composed that she was unaffected by his unnecessary hostility. "I'm about to take my lunch break. Would you like me to bring you back anything?"
He hadn't eaten all morning, but he wasn't hungry. He didn't think food would go down on account of his anger. Meanwhile, Sora was probably having the time of her life eating with her ex-boyfriend, her actual boyfriend the furthest thought from her mind.
He couldn't take it anymore. He stood up from his chair, hastily locked his computer, and put on his suit jacket.
"Sorry, I had an emergency come up. Can you postpone all of my afternoon meetings to tomorrow? You can just fill in my calendar. It's up-to-date."
His assistant looked mildly confused but nodded understandingly. "Of course. I'll do that now before I go on my lunch break."
She walked out of the room, and he grabbed his car keys and wallet. If he drove, Sora was only fifteen minutes away.
He didn't know it could be possible, but he had somehow gotten even more irritated since leaving the office.
He had thrown a fit in his car a few minutes earlier because he couldn't find parking. It had gotten to the point that he had seriously considered eating the costs of the traffic ticket—surely his time was more valuable—but he had finally managed to score a free spot just a few blocks away from the restaurant. It had only added a few minutes, but the amount of irritation it added to his already agitated state far exceeded the actual inconvenience.
On top of that, the weather was scorching as he walked from the car park to the restaurant. He generally loved the summer heat, but the sun beating down on his stuffy suit suffocated him.
As he weaved through the lunchtime traffic of business workers, cursing the crowd, cursing the heat, cursing the traffic, and cursing Sora, he caught a glimpse of his fuming self in the mirrored wall of an office building adjacent to the corner of the restaurant.
His reflection surprised him. He didn't consider himself a vindictive or vengeful person, but the image staring back at him looked otherwise. He could of course get angry like anyone else, but this person wasn't just angry. He was doused in hatred, and for what?
He could barely recognise himself.
Sora and Matt were right. He was being crazy. He was supposed to not care. His chill attitude was what defined him. He turned his eyes away from the building and took a step towards the restaurant that was just within reach. He trusted Sora. He took another. She had forgiven him so many times. Another.
He ought to turn around. He would go back to work, see her in the evening, and ask her how everything went. It went well, thank you. We had a very forgettable time, and he's currently on his train back to Kyoto, she would say. He is nothing to me now.
He was nothing to her, and that's why she was still so untrusting of men. That's why she still wouldn't let him touch her. She had lived with this guy, but no, he still was not allowed to spend the night.
He was everything to her.
His rage returned, and he took another step to the restaurant.
He could see Sora through the window, though she was too absorbed in her conversation to see him. She was laughing. His blood boiled, and he was angrier than he had been even just ten seconds before.
He stormed in, ignored the hostess' cheerful greeting, and stomped over to her table. He was standing right beside her, but she didn't even notice him, still laughing. He didn't even bother looking at the man sitting across the table from her, too focused on her.
How dare she laugh? How dare she show up? Was that lipstick she was wearing? He eyed the grey herringbone dress she wore, one of her favourites in her wardrobe for what she described as the perfect fit. She probably thought he hadn't paid attention when she had told him that.
"Hi Sora," he announced loudly.
She stopped and jerked her head towards him at the sound of his voice. "Tai? What are you doing h—"
"I thought I'd surprise you," he interrupted. Despite his rage, he forced his best fake smile that he was certain she could see right past. He leaned down to sit down uninvited next to her, pushing her aside to make room for him. He put his arm around her, kissed her frozen lips, and finally turned to her companion.
Sora had rarely talked about him, but the way she had, he had expected him to convey the impression of an unlikeable jerk. In reality, her ex-boyfriend had a kind face and a refined, mature aura. He was smiling warmly at him, as if not caught off guard that some stranger had just barged in to interrupt them.
Self-consciousness was a feeling foreign to him, but instantly Tai found himself compared himself to him.
Why did he have to look so poised and sophisticated? These were words he'd never use to describe himself. In the business formal attire he was required to wear for work, he too could look the part, but it was just a cover set by society. He knew he wasn't actually either of these things.
Even now, he was the one in the suit, but her ex-boyfriend exuded the air that he could not. It matched how he saw Sora too. How often had she commented on his everyday clothes or his lack of haircut? It was probably because she was used to dating someone who looked as clean-cut as this guy. This guy's raven hair was cropped short and out of his face, glasses framing his dark eyes. He was still smiling gently.
Tai felt a strange sense of déjà vu, suddenly reminded of the first time Kari had brought TK around. Before ever having met him, Tai had already predetermined that he disliked him, the fact that he was his sister's first boyfriend being reason enough. He had searched every bit of TK's character in that first meeting to dig out any flaws, but in the end he had walked away with nothing.
That was to determine that his sister wasn't dating a jerk though. That outcome had been positive, because of course he wanted whoever she was seeing to be perfect. When it came to his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, however, it was an entirely different story.
It was petty, but Tai also thought his complexion was so pale that he wondered if this fellow had ever seen the sun in his life.
"Tai."
He felt Sora tugging on his sleeve.
They hadn't even spoken yet. He ignored Sora, not wanting to see her disappointed face.
Tai gave a friendly smile, extended his hand to the new face. "It's nice to meet you. I'm Tai, Sora's boyfriend."
"It's nice to meet you too. I've just heard so much about you," came his reply. His voice was calmer than Tai's. He sounded as relaxed and secure as he looked. "I'm Joe. I guess I'm the ex-boyfriend."
Tai noticed for the first time that he had on a white coat over his light blue dress shirt. Dangling from it was a name badge. Dr Joe Kido, it said. Her ex-boyfriend was a bloody doctor.
Give me a fucking break, he thought in his head.
Probably, this doctor never swore. He probably had such an extensive vocabulary that he didn't require filler words, because he was so bloody smart because he was a bloody doctor.
"Tai," Sora repeated. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
He turned to her and was surprised to see no anger on her face. "Sure," he replied as pleasantly as he could, though he was certain he was doing a far poorer job of concealing his mood than she was.
She put her hand on his arm as she gently nudged him out of the booth, excusing herself to Joe before walking outside with him. Tai pretended to examine the wall of the building, feigning fascination, but she stood directly in front of him to force him to look at her.
"What are you doing?" she asked him, sounding more confused than upset.
"I thought I'd surprise you with lunch, but as I was on my way, I remembered you're meeting your friend today, so I thought I'd drop by too," he explained as if nothing were wrong. "I heard the lunch specials were great."
"Tai…"
She looked at him, still looking confused above anything else. He would have expected himself to feel guilty, but instead he felt angrier because nothing about this situation should have been confusing to her. He knew he was playing dumb, but he thought she was too.
Despite his internal feelings, he grinned widely at her. "He seems nice. You know, you were right, Sora. I'm way better-looking than he is. You've really upgraded."
She knitted her brows at him, and it took all his willpower to refrain himself from demanding that she stop looking at him that way.
"Tai—"
"Come on," he said, taking her hand and squeezing harder than he needed to. "It's rude to just leave him waiting."
Even though he hadn't even given her the chance to really speak, Sora didn't stop him, and they went back inside. He made a spectacle of sitting next to her, arm around her shoulder, eating off her plate, offering to feed her even though he'd never done anything like that before and refusing to back down until she accepted it. Continuing to surprise him, Sora did not demand for him to stop despite even he knowing that he was making a fool of himself. Perhaps she didn't want to embarrass him, or perhaps she didn't want to show she was embarrassed of him. Somehow, her acceptance only made his anger grow.
On the other hand, her ex—Joe or whatever his name was—did not make any particular emotion obvious. Tai found him dry, though perhaps that was his jealousy characterising him for him.
It was. He knew he was. He was not so blinded that he couldn't see the own craziness in his actions, despite being unable to stop himself.
Joe confirmed he was a doctor, and Tai made a snide remark about how he must have wanted to make money. The irony that it was the only reason Tai was in his current role was not lost in him. Joe hadn't been offended by his unsolicited comment, only correcting him to say he had always wanted to help those in need. Tai resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
Joe had no need to tell Tai anything about himself anyway, because Sora was doing a fine job filling him in on Joe's behalf.
He wasn't just any doctor. He came from an elite family of doctors that went back generations. He worked for the prestigious Kyoto University Hospital, having graduated from the university itself alongside Sora. Joe tried to sheepishly play it off as if he had gotten in as a legacy, because of course his entire family had gone there going back generations, but Sora was quick to correct him. She gushed about how hard he had worked throughout school. Tai hated that she talked about him like he was so great, even though he too had to admit that he sounded pretty great based on everything he now knew about him.
To make matters even more annoying, Joe deflected Sora's compliments as if he didn't deserve them, which only made her gush more.
"Joe, you're the hardest worker I know!" she said at one point.
He stopped himself from glaring at her. He wanted her to think that he, Tai Kamiya, was the hardest worker she knew, even though he knew she didn't think that. She was always criticising him for procrastinating and being so lazy.
"I'm really not," Joe deflected. "By the way, Sora, I recently had lunch with your father. He seems quite well. He's taken a recent liking to golf, so we're planning to go together soon."
Sora turned to Tai to explain that her father was a professor at Kyoto University, and therefore she and Joe sometimes overlapped work with each other.
He stared at her. He found it crazy that she had never mentioned this to him. He wanted to yell at her, but he'd save that for later.
He couldn't believe her hypocrisy, furious at her accusations that he always lied by omission when she did exactly the same.
He turned to Joe, his competitive flare rising. "You know, I also golf. We should play together sometime."
Sora looked confused. "You golf?"
He turned to her with a tight smile. "Yes, I do. If you paid attention to me once in a while, you would have known that about me, Sora."
In reality, he hated golf and found it boring. He only learned how to play because it was a valuable skill in the corporate world, but his clients found him more entertaining than actually skilled. It didn't matter though, because he swore he'd golf every day in order to become better than this Joe character.
Who was he kidding? This guy probably hit holes-in-ones in between performing life-saving surgical procedures and discovering the cure for cancer.
"Sure," Joe accepted. "I leave for Kyoto tonight, but if you and Sora ever come down to visit, we should play a round."
If the situation were in reverse, Tai would have only offered to be nice, but the way Joe spoke had an air of sincerity.
This asshole actually meant it.
The more Tai learned of him, the more difficult it became for him to believe this was once the man who had cheated on Sora. A wolf in sheep's clothing, he thought, but honestly he just seemed like a sheep in sheep's clothing.
Rarely did he struggle with conversation, but his temper and jealousy made him fumble over his words. He could see in Joe's face that he was confused, though he was trying his hardest to decrypt Tai's nonsensical words.
Sora found a break in his rambling and stepped in.
"How's Shino?" she asked, changing the subject.
"She's doing very well," Joe answered, his blanched complexion lighting up a bit. "She's just completed her residency and is about to start her fellowship for the next year. I'm very proud of her."
"That's incredible! You've been dating her for so long. Are you two planning to get married?"
"Maybe next year," he mused lightly. "We're both focusing on work for now. You know how it is."
Sora smiled at him. "I'm happy for you both." She squeezed Tai's arm to explain, perhaps so he wouldn't feel left out. "Shino was a resident at the hospital with Joe."
But he didn't care about that. He cared why Sora cared. He cared why Sora was asking him. He didn't care about his ex-girlfriends' new boyfriends. Why did she care about Joe's? He looked at her face for a trace of emotion but found none. What was she thinking?
"Is she the girl he cheated on you for?" he blurted.
Joe looked surprised, and he could see that Sora was finally angry. She stood up, picked him up with a force that surprised him, and dragged him outside again.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked him, sounding disappointed in him. "You're acting like a child."
"I'm acting like a child?" he shot back. "You're the one who's having lunch with your ex-boyfriend. He's obviously not just here to eat with you. How can you be so naïve, Sora?"
She narrowed her eyes. "Just because you'd have ulterior motives doesn't mean Joe does. He isn't like that. We're just catching up, and I'm fine with you being here, but not if you're going to make a fool out of yourself and of me."
He was taken aback.
At some level, he knew he was wrong. Joe seemed like a decent fellow. He hadn't done or said anything that would have raised any particular alarm. If anything, he found him dull, and Tai felt bored talking to him.
But what he didn't like was the realisation that Sora was defending her ex over him.
He wanted to tell her this, but his pride wouldn't allow him to say it.
"Fine, then I'll leave. I'm sorry for interrupting your date."
"I want to talk to you later," was all she said.
"I don't really want to talk to you," he wanted to say after her, but he didn't. He left, and at the corner he turned around to see if she was still standing there, perhaps looking his way. She wasn't, and he felt an odd sense of sadness.
He had only known Joe for minutes, but in that time, he thought the two of them made sense. They seemed to fit each other well. He could understand why the two of them had once been together.
As he walked away, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in that same office building he had passed earlier. He expected to see the same, angry person, but instead he saw someone more damaged. He had always been satisfied in the way he looked, but now he could see himself the way Sora must always see him. For one thing, he really had let his hair grow out too long.
He imagined Sora's continued conversation back in the restaurant. She was probably apologising to Joe for her embarrassing boyfriend. They were probably laughing at him for being so dumb. She was probably explaining that while she had once had a mature, driven, successful doctor boyfriend, she now had to settle for this, a loud, obnoxious, confused businessman-looking-to-be-something-else.
He checked his watch. Having been kicked out earlier than expected, he still had time before he had to go back.
If Sora wanted him to get a haircut so badly, he would.
He came home to find Matt and Megumi tangled up together on their couch. Usually, he would take the hint and go to his room, but he didn't want to be alone and walked straight up to them.
"I'm home," he deadpanned to them.
Megumi got off Matt. "Hi Taichi."
"No, please don't stop just because I'm here," he replied sarcastically. He dropped his suit jacket, tie, and briefcase on the floor beside them as he walked past and into the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, grabbed two more, and went back to the living room. He handed the other two cans to his companions, then sunk into the armchair without bothering to change out of his work clothes. He sighed loudly.
"I take it you're still upset?" Matt asked, watching as Tai took a swig of beer. He opened a can and handed it to Megumi, then opened the other for himself. He leaned back on the couch, putting an arm around his girlfriend. Looking at her expression, Tai could tell that Matt had already disclosed last night's conversation with her.
"Aw, I like your haircut, Taichi. You look so cute."
He subconsciously touched the top of his head. He had always had thick, plentiful hair that grew in wild directions, but he had cropped it shorter than he'd ever had it. He was not yet used to the length.
"Sora met up with her ex today," he began. "Can you believe that? Can you imagine the shit she would have given me if I did that?"
A common theme amongst his friends was that nobody took him seriously when he was upset. It was because they knew it rarely happened, and when it did, he was quick to get over it. Sora probably knew that too. That's why she hadn't cared.
Indeed, Megumi giggled at him. "Are you jealous right now? I never thought I'd see this side of you. You're cute."
"Stop calling me cute," Tai snapped, swatting her hand away when she reached over to tousle his hair. After three months back, Megumi had gotten fully comfortable with him again, banter and all.
"He's a doctor. He apparently comes from a long familial line of them. Can you believe it? Give me a break."
"Oh, wow," Megumi commented. "That sounds way more impressive than what you do."
He shot her a look. Matt laughed.
"And he was so dull," he continued, more interested too in getting his point across than engaging in actual conversation. "I can't imagine what she ever saw in that guy. I was falling asleep talking to him."
"You are pretty fun," Megumi offered him.
"I'm extremely fun," Tai agreed angrily.
"You're humble too," Megumi added. Matt laughed again.
Tai hated them, but he was the type to vent when annoyed, and they were the only audience he had at the moment.
"Tai, it's not a big deal," Megumi said to him. "Exes stay on good terms all the time. It doesn't mean anything."
"You mean like you two?" he asked, annoyed.
Matt turned to Megumi and kissed her on the side of her neck.
"Don't mind me," Tai said loudly.
Megumi pulled away from Matt.
"We don't really care about your problem is all," Matt told him. "Just go talk to her. Why are you telling us?"
"I care," Megumi said, pushing Matt off of her. "I think it's cute, Tai. You should talk to her, and tell her that you're jealous, and that she's hurting your feelings by hanging out with her successful doctor ex-boyfriend."
"I hate you both," Tai grumbled, getting up to leave.
"No, don't go!" Megumi protested, grabbing his arm and pulling him back down to the armchair. "We're sorry. We're ready to listen. Aren't we, Yamato?"
Matt didn't respond.
"Tell us more," Megumi urged.
"That's it," Tai muttered, slumping in his seat. "That's all I had to say."
"Tai, you need to talk to her," Megumi offered, this time with a tone of sincerity. "Sora seems nice. I'm sure if you actually sat down with her and told her that she's making you uncomfortable, she would understand."
He glanced dully at the two of them.
"No offence, but I'm just venting here. You two are literally the last two people I want to take advice from."
Megumi blinked. "Why?"
He didn't even bother to humour them with the obvious. Matt and Megumi were the ultimate example of exes still having feelings for each other, and he didn't want to draw a parallel. He already knew how that had worked out.
"You mean because Yamato took me back after seeing that girl? What was her name again? Mimi?"
"Don't use us as an example," Matt assured. "We're different."
Megumi turned to her boyfriend, smirking. "Yeah, for example, she actually slept with you."
Tai glared at his flatmate, while Matt shushed her quiet by clamping his hand over her mouth. She laughed, flailing about to get him off of her.
On one hand, he hated Matt for disclosing that fact to Megumi, but more than that he was surprised that Matt and Megumi were talking about Mimi so freely.
In the past month or so, the two of them had gone back to their old selves, to the point where it was difficult for him too to remember how it had once been. He didn't know the details of their relationship, but he had assumed that there was still some residual dysfunction as a result of their messy breakup.
He realised, however, that they truly had no secrets from each other. He used to think he was in the healthier relationship, but seeing how they were now, he realised he never once had that with Sora.
She could tell him about her day, but she never delved into anything too personal. He always had to watch what he said too. He couldn't imagine there ever being a future in which they would be like that, but he could imagine a past where she had once had that with Joe.
"You two never fight," he pointed out suddenly.
Having wiggled her way out of Matt's grasp, Megumi shrugged her shoulders. "Not really anymore. Why? Do you and Sora fight?"
"We used to."
Their fighting had stopped, but why? Had their relationship actually improved, or was he only being more careful?
"Fighting is normal, Tai. We used to too, especially in our early twenties. Right, Yamato?"
"Yeah, you were awful," he agreed.
"Hey, you weren't so great either!" she protested. She turned back to Tai. "I think it's a normal phase to go through, Taichi. You eventually just learn to get over it all of the things you don't like about the other person, like how I got over Yamato always forgetting to put the toilet seat down because he's inconsiderate."
"Inconsiderate? You're the one who doesn't clean up your hair from the drain. That stuff is disgusting."
She leaned to him, smirking. "I know it is. That's why I leave it for you to clean it for me."
They kissed, and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. One thing he had noticed was that Matt and Megumi had become considerably touchier in front of him since getting back together. Previously, hanging out with the two of them had felt like hanging out with two friends, but now he very much felt like he was in the presence of a couple.
Matt and Megumi—mostly Megumi—continued to give him advice, which he tried to listen to but wasn't really digesting any of it. Instead, he suddenly saw everything they had that he and Sora seemed to be missing.
In all the years he had known them, he had never once been jealous of their relationship. Today was the first time he felt it, and he wondered whether it was actually he who was in something dysfunctional.
He rejected Matt and Megumi's invitation to join them for dinner, deciding instead that he'd prefer to stay home to be moody alone. He wasn't hungry anyway, despite not having really eaten anything since picking at his lunch in the presence of Sora and Joe earlier.
He still couldn't believe her.
Sora had texted him several times to talk, but he wasn't interested in anything she had to say unless it was an apology. None of the messages were, so he didn't respond to a single one. He refused to back down and gave himself mental pep talks to keep him from faltering. He was not okay with this, and she was crazy if she thought he should be.
After hours of being ignored, however, Sora finally showed up at his doorstep. He already knew it was her from the video intercom, but when he opened the door and saw her face-to-face, his anger returned.
"I need to talk to you," she said sternly as her greeting.
He glared right back at her, not inviting her inside. "Hello to you too."
Whether she noticed his aggression or truly cared, she softened upon getting a better look at him. "Tai, you got a haircut…"
She reached out to touch it, but he drew his head back. Her arm stopped mid-air seeing his reaction, but rather than let it fall back to her side, she placed it on his shoulder, rubbing his collarbone through the work shirt he was still wearing. He usually changed the instant he came home, but he had been too annoyed to do anything today.
He took her hand and removed it from his shoulder.
"Are you here to apologise to me?" he asked her, hearing the bitterness in his voice. He didn't want to pretend to be nice. He wanted her to admit she had been wrong, and no amount of her trying to kill him with kindness was going to change that.
He still hadn't stepped out of the way for her, so she frowned and forced her way inside, though he didn't make any real attempt to keep her out either.
"Why would I be the one to apologise? Tai, you were completely out of line today."
"I was out of line?!" he cried incredulously. "You were the one practically drooling all over that guy!"
She was in the middle of taking off her shoes, but she stopped to look at him oddly. "What are you talking about?"
His mind flared with memories of the afternoon, igniting his fury once again. "You couldn't shut up about how great he was! You practically gave me his biography. You might as well have been the president of his fan club."
She turned red, though he could tell she was trying to contain her own anger that was brewing. "I was explaining things to keep you in the loop since you showed up out of nowhere!"
"I'm glad I did!" he shot back. "Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't? I thought you were going to jump his bones at any moment."
She was turning redder, glaring at him. "I don't know what you were imagining, Tai, but I was just talking to him. We were only talking."
He rolled his eyes. He didn't have anything to say to that, and he knew his derisive response only upset her further. Good.
"You were being so rude to him, Tai. Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? Joe was understanding because he's nice, but you shouldn't have done that."
"Yeah, he seems really nice," Tai muttered sarcastically. "It almost makes you forget that he cheated on you. Is that the girl he's dating, by the way? Is that why you brought her up? To check if they were still together?"
She frowned as his voice got progressively louder. "Why are you being so mean?"
"Because I'm mad at you, Sora, and you owe me an apology."
Never one to be nervous to speak his mind, he heard his voice quiver as the adrenaline pumped through him. If Sora noticed it herself, she made no indication that she had.
"Fine, I'm sorry."
Her immediate apology infuriated him further. It was everything—how quickly she had said it, how disingenuous it sounded, how she was only doing it thinking it would relieve his temper when it only served to fuel it.
"If I ever apologized to you that way, you'd never forgive me, and you know it."
She sighed. "Tai, I'm sorry it upset you so much, but if you didn't want me to see him, you should have just said something last night."
He couldn't speak, because the only thing he could say was that she should have known. He waffled between whether his pain was justified or whether he was being a baby, her reaction only serving to feed into his confusion.
"Tai, let's stop. I really am sorry. I didn't know you'd get so upset." She stepped towards him, touching his hair with her fingers. "Your haircut makes you look so handsome."
This was the only compliment she ever gave him. Joe was smart and mature and hard-working, but he was just handsome, her singular praise for a trait so trifling.
"If Kiko had asked me to dinner, I would have said no. I wouldn't have even entertained the idea, because I would have known you wouldn't like it."
"Tai."
"That's what I would have done for you. Why couldn't you have done the same for me?"
"Tai, I've told you a thousand times that Joe and I are platonic."
"I told you I was platonic with Kiko and Sonoka, but you didn't believe me then."
"Because you actually lied!" she cried.
She hadn't yelled, but the shift in her tone was enough to get him to raise his voice.
"And you didn't?! You're such a hypocrite! You lied by omission! How is that not the same thing? You lived with him! And he's your father's colleague?! What the actual fuck, Sora?! When were you planning to tell me that?!"
"Tai, stop swearing!"
She said it without a hint of mockery, and he thought he would explode. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, furious that she even found it in her to point this out to him.
He felt her hand over his. She squeezed. He didn't withdraw it, but he didn't attempt to hold it either.
"Tai, I'm sorry. I really am. I honestly thought I had already told you about us living together, and I didn't think Joe working for my father was worth mentioning. They aren't close at all. My father doesn't even really like him."
He could hear that she meant it, but he didn't care. He was usually quick to let things go with an apology, but this time it had no effect.
"You lied to me."
"I didn't lie. I thought I had told you." She squeezed his hand again. "Joe isn't important to me anymore. I promise."
"You didn't accept it when I said that to you before. Why should I accept it for you now?"
She had probably expected him to forgive her, because she looked too taken aback by his words.
"I told you Sonoka meant nothing to me, but you didn't believe me. I told you I forgot to tell you about Kiko, but you didn't believe me then either. You accused me of lying to you. I embarrassed you in front of Joe? You embarrassed me in front of my entire damn company. How is this any different?"
She looked at him strangely, then withdrew her hand from his, clasping hers together in front of her uncomfortably with her head down. "You're right. It's the same thing. I'm sorry, Tai."
"It's not okay," he said immediately. "I'm so mad at you, Sora. Do you know how much it takes for me to get this way? I haven't been this angry in so long."
"Tai, I didn't know you'd get so upset… I wouldn't have gone if I had known. I'm sorry… I really am. I don't know what else to say…"
He didn't know what else he wanted her to say either. Unlike the one from earlier, he could tell that this time she had meant it. It was not only in her words and tone but in the shamed face that she gave him. He had thought he'd feel better after hearing a genuine apology, but now that she had given him one, he realised it wasn't enough.
"If you're so sorry, I don't want you to see him ever again."
She looked confused as she processed his words, taking a few seconds to digest what he was saying. He saw her expression morph into something else, though he wasn't quite sure what the emotion was.
"Are you trying to give me an ultimatum?"
He glared at her. "You can call it whatever you want."
"Tai, Joe and I are platonic. We don't even talk anymore. I hadn't seen him in three years."
"Then it should be easy for you to cut him off," he concluded simply. "I stopped talking to Sonoka and Kiko, and I was never serious with either of them."
"I never asked you to stop talking to them."
"You didn't need to. You made it obvious that you didn't want me to, so I stopped. Why can't you do the same thing for me? After every single thing I've had to give up for you, surely you can give this one thing up for me."
He saw another change in Sora's expression, one that now also more closely mirrored his. He saw her eyes water, but her emotion did nothing for him. "So what? You think you're the only person who's given up something for this relationship?"
"I certainly ask for less that you do. I gave up my entire lifestyle to fit yours."
Her hands balled up into fists beside her, and he could see her trembling slightly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I lived with him, and I'm sorry I agreed to see him. Even if you don't believe me, I don't see Joe as anything more than a friend, and there's not even a small part of me that wants to get back together with him. That being said, that doesn't give you a right to determine who I can and cannot see for lunch. You don't control me, Tai."
"Then you're with the wrong person."
He saw her trembling intensify. He could hear the craziness in himself as well, but he had already spoken, and he couldn't stop, every repressed frustration coming out at once.
"You don't trust a single thing I do, yet I'm supposed to just believe everything for you? What, is this whole thing still about what Matt said to you when you were drunk? How long are you going to dangle that in my face?"
"What are you even saying? I wasn't even—"
"Can you imagine if I had ever done the same thing with Kiko? She's pretty great too. What if I had sat you down and told you all the ways I had once been attracted to her? You would have killed me on the spot, so why couldn't you see you were doing that to me?"
"Tai, I—"
"Why?! Tell me now. Is it because you think I'm so easy? Did you think that I'd just let it go? I'm a person too, Sora. I have feelings too."
"No, I just—"
"Are you settling for me because you can't have him? If you love him so much, then why are you even in this relationship with me?!"
She broke eye contact with him. "Tai, that's it. I'm leaving. You aren't even listening to me."
She put her feet back into her shoes, her anger exuding even from the top of her head, though it still didn't appease his rage.
"Yeah, just go. Maybe if you're fast enough, you can catch up to Joe's train and beg him to take you back. Maybe you can still get him before he ends up marrying that other girl."
"You're so out of line, Tai. I don't want to talk to you."
"I don't care. I don't care what you think because you obviously never care what I think either."
Hand on the doorknob, she turned around to glare at him again. "I care what you think! You just won't even let me finish—"
"You aren't worth it, you know."
He saw her entire body freeze. Her irritation disappeared in an instant, and instead she stared at him with those glazed eyes again.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said stonily in an attempt to contain her emotion. "I don't feel the same way about you."
"Then if I'm so worth it, tell me right now that you won't talk to Joe again."
"No."
He thought his head would explode, but before he could yell, she continued.
"It isn't because I plan to see him again. It's because I'm not going to let you decide how I live my life or who I can be friends with. You don't control me, and I can't be with someone like that, even if that person is you."
He didn't know how they had gotten here. He had wanted her to apologise, not to break up with him, but now that it had reached this point, he refused to back down first. He was always first.
He opened the door for her.
"Then don't."
She stared into the hallway of his apartment complex, then turned her head to look back at him. Her expression indicated that she couldn't believe the situation, hollow and shocked at the same time.
"Tai…"
"Leave."
His grip on the door tightened as she took a slow step outside.
"I misjudged you, Tai," she said shakily.
"Well, good thing you never opened up to me anyway," he said, pettily wanting the last word as he shut the door in her face.
Having it gave him no satisfaction. He stared at the door, unable to hear any evidence of her on the other side. Was she standing there in shock too, or had she already left? He waited for her to knock again, thinking that this time he would accept her apology, but she never did.
Adrenaline erased his sense of feeling and time, and he stood, staring at the door, his mind moving at light speed without actually closing in on any one thought. He only snapped out of it over an hour later, when Matt and Megumi returned, confused as to why he was standing there. It was only when they had opened the door that he could confirm that Sora had left.
Having zoned off for so long, he was surprised with his own reaction when faced with reality again. Matt and Megumi had brought back a takeaway bag of food for him, and he sat down with them to eat it. He was able to eat everything easily. He laughed at Megumi's jokes. He made his own and was able to engage in conversation with them without them noticing that anything was off.
They even retired for the night before him.
By the time he was lying in bed, he wondered whether something was wrong with him. He had loved Sora, hadn't he? Why wasn't he sad?
He had seen the way Matt had reacted when Megumi had broken up with him. He had seen the way Mimi had reacted when Matt had broken up with her. He even had glimpses of the way Sora had reacted in her break-up with Joe.
Every time he had ended something with a girl, he had seen the way they had cried. He never had, because he'd never cared too much about them. Sora was different in that he had actually loved her, but he still felt no need for tears. He didn't even think he could produce them if he tried.
He wondered whether he was actually a sociopath.
He turned over in his bed and picked up his phone, which he hadn't checked in hours.
Sora hadn't sent him anything since she had left, though he could still see the stream of texts she had sent that had gone unanswered by him.
He had a missed call and message from Megumi, who had asked whether he wanted them to bring back some dinner for him.
His family group chat had exploded with a new video of Kouki rolling from stomach to back. He watched the video and wrote a reply to echo everyone else about how cute Kouki was.
He also had a group chat of old school mates, who he texted frequently but hadn't seen in a while. Between work, Sora, and studying, he hadn't been able to make time to see them. He opened the chat and scrolled to the bottom, ignoring all of the past messages.
'Does anyone want to go out tomorrow? I want to get drunk.'
The answers filed in quickly.
'The missus is letting you out for air?'
'You're just going to bail on us again.'
'Sure, can't wait to see you, Tai!' This was from Davis, who was by far the nicest to him within in the group.
Satisfied, he put his phone down and shut his eyes to sleep. Matt hadn't been in his friend group in school and was therefore not part of this chat, but he'd ask him and Megumi to join tomorrow too.
He still thought he was supposed to be sad, but this made sense anyhow. He was even a little excited. It was like an equilibrium had returned, and he was just going to go back to his old life that he had loved just the same.
21 November 2020
I'm expecting to get some hate for this chapter, but don't hate me yet, please! I'm a weird Taiora fan because even though I hate Sorato so much, I actually really enjoy other Tai and Sora pairings like Michi and Jyoura.
Thank you as always for the kind words. They really keep me going.