I stared at the grey, not-quite-complete darkness of the ceiling all night. I didn't need to so much as roll over when my alarm went off; I had been staring down the slow wind of the clock hands for the past three hours. I watched them for another torturous forty minutes until the others started to stir. For once the trainees weren't up before us. I tried not to think about what that meant which obviously meant that it rattled around in my head like a steel ball bearing.
Were they going to watch us? Or would it only be Lauren, Four, Eric, and some other party as an impartial judge? There could be something planned for after, though I think my brain had shut out any thoughts of what "after" might look like even if I had heard one way or another.
"Tris, your shirt's on inside out," Christina said. She sat on the edge of her bunk just watching the commotion around her. Her mirror and makeup kit lay on her lap, apparently forgotten.
I thanked her and flipped it back to the correct orientation. She barely acknowledged me. Heaving a sigh, I sat down next to her. "This is it, huh?"
Christina nodded mutely. Her complexion was tinted green. She hadn't put on her foundation to cover the tinge. "It'll be okay," I said firmly.
"How can you say that?" she asked. The hand that wasn't holding her makeup supplies shook ever so slightly on her knee.
I sighed again. I didn't have any good feelings either, really. "I don't know," I admitted after another moment. "I guess it's more hope than anything."
"Not a very Candor concept - hope," Christina grumbled. Her free hand gripped the mirror as it started to slip off her leg. She seemed to only be half directing her comments to me. "We don't usually talk about hope. Things are one way or another. There's a defined, concrete result. What is going to happen. And I know there are plenty of paths that leave me out of Dauntless."
"Well sure-" I started to speak, but Christina cut me off.
"I know the math's in our favor. At least I know it's in yours," she said darkly. I thought of all my days at the top of the sim time rankings. I couldn't remember where Christina sat every time. I wanted to say she had been doing well. Middle of the pack, but still well enough to hang on. Right? "But there's still a chance to mess everything up. It's only one evaluation. One shot. Against everything that scares the ever living shit out of me."
Christina turned to look at me finally. Her mouth was set in a sharp frown. "Well?"
My shoulders lifted and fell. "Well. You're right. We could absolutely fail."
She scoffed. "That's it? That's what you've got?"
"You didn't seem to like the hope option," I said, exasperated. "So yeah. That's what I've got. Look, I lost my last sim on the last training day. I don't have a clue how to beat the damn thing. Maybe it'll be okay. Or it'll be horrible and kill any lead I have from the other times that I did great." Christina looked even more agitated.
I put a hand over hers, stopping the frantic rubbing her thumb had started up as she tried to erase the smudges she'd caused on the glass. "I'm just as scared as you are," I admitted. "But. That's kinda the point, I think."
Christina looked down at our hands. "Just one more thing to push us over the edge," she chuckled humorlessly.
"Seems about par for the course, doesn't it? But I think… it'll be nice when we're on the other side of it all. When we know that this was something we overcame. Something we were made stronger from," I said.
"I don't know that I've come out any stronger," Christina admitted, her voice dropping down to barely be audible over the sounds of the people bustling to leave. It was ten of eight. We'd been asked to gather in the Pit on the hour mark.
"'Course you are!" I insisted swiftly.
"How do you know? You've adapted so easily. Your times are untouchable," she said glumly.
My cheeks burned. I didn't want people to think about me as being untouchable. Edward was untouchable. Now he was Factionless.
Christina twisted to face me, her eyes urgently meeting mine in the dim dormitory. "What's the trick? Is it a trick? Or does Dauntless just come easy to you? You've been strong since day one - with the pistol and that blindfold." The questions rushed out frantically. "Is your aptitude somehow better than mine? Is mine… wrong? Is the fact that I've spent the past two weeks hating that you're so obviously better as the sims than me or Will or, God, poor Al - does that mean we shouldn't be here?" she demanded.
She wasn't angry. Her hands gripped both of mine tightly as her makeup tumbled out onto the bedspread beside us. "Tris, I'm so scared," she whispered. Her brave face, the tough one that met my moments of frustration and anger with equal confidence, was faltering. I could see the terror in her eyes.
I could say something comforting about how all of us were going to be back here tonight, but she wasn't going to take it. "I am too," I admitted again.
"Oh." A beat. "You really are? After all those days at the top of the charts, all that extra work with -" she made a face "-Eric?"
"I don't want to lose you guys. I don't want to lose the person that I've become. And I think that's why you're scared, too," I said. Her face was an open book with the same anxieties I saw last night in the bathroom mirror.
She drew in a deep breath. I saw the cracks beginning to seal as Christina drew on some unknown inner strength. "Okay," she sighed. "Okay." Her hands eased off slowly until finally she let go of me.
"See?" I offered. "You're stronger than I was last night. I ran away from training. Here you are, steeling yourself to walk into the lion's den with me."
She let out a humorless laugh. "Oh don't say that now."
"Say what?"
"Lion's den. I don't want that implanted in my subconscious and pop up last minute at the end of the test," Christina huffed. "Oh, nope. It's there now. Big teeth. Horrible claws. Well, this is it."
There was something not quite right about seeing a Dauntless dressed up. Four gathered us along the edge of the Pit, counting each squirming Initiate head and plucking at the collar on his shirt. He had it buttoned all the way to his neck, and the creases from sitting unused in a drawer stood out like a sore thumb. The nice thing however was that Dauntless dress wear pretty much stopped at the waist. Even Lauren's flared dress had stretch leggings underneath along with her low cut boots.
Hardly any of we Initiates had anything you could call "nice" to wear. Plus there was a good chance that I'd sweat through it all, either from the exertion or the stress. So I didn't waste any of my remaining points at the clothing shop this week. I stood with my arms crossed in a cotton tank with my cleanest shorts. The air was cool from the chasm but my palms still sweated. Oh yeah. My nerves were running away from me.
"Alright everyone. I think we're all here. If anyone isn't then that's on them," Four grumbled. He looked to Lauren who was thumbing through her ever-present clipboard.
The good thing was that no one beyond Four or Lauren seemed to be focusing on us. In fact, there were hardly any Dauntless up and around despite the relative lateness of the morning. Mostly parents and kids bopped to and from the coffee shop and boutiques.
Al hovered behind me. I tried to ignore his looming. I was out of pep talks this morning.
Lauren cleared her throat. I marveled at how she got the group to stop and shut up just from the one sound. Four had a dirty look, too, whenever she did so successfully. She explained in a clear voice, "Here's how things are going to go this morning. We're heading upstairs to the exam room. It's very similar to where we trained. A little cleaner, but basically the same setup. You all will be waiting in a separate room."
An audible sigh swept over the group. We wouldn't have to watch one another. My shoulders tensed immediately again. We also wouldn't know how the others had done. There would be no knowing if our times had been good enough.
Lauren was watching our faces as she continued. "Once your evaluation is complete, you can head back to the dorm. Actually, you have to. Sorry, no 'buts' about it."
Drew huffed and Peter raised a hand to protest. I had to hand it to him; he was at least learning some courtesy. Lauren shot him down with a withering look. "Someone will bring you guys lunch. You're not going to starve. We just don't want any last minute poor decisions."
Poor decisions was horrible code for "another attempted assault on those who might rank higher than you or your cronies." I still appreciated the effort though.
"The order's been randomized. No swapping. You'll be told once we're upstairs."
We took the elevator. My legs were jelly, so I was beyond thankful. When the doors opened to a completely foreign hallway I was thankful that all I had to do was follow behind Uriah like a skittish duckling. The walls here were half glass. I could see the morning sun shining bright over Chicago. There wasn't a trace of fog or mist left despite how we were now moving into the beginning stretches of autumn.
I paused just for a second to marvel at the view. Then Al bumped into me and reality checked back in. "Sorry," he murmured, side stepping around me. I waved him off, once again harboring inside my that secret happiness that came when I could see him and know he wasn't going to pop up unexpectedly.
He hadn't bothered to dress nicely, either, but he had selected a baggy, dark sweatshirt rather than opting for something cooler. I started to roll my eyes at the decision. Then we passed under a blue light - which seemed pointless when we were ten stories above ground and wouldn't need to preserve night vision - and something clicked in my brain. I watched the shadows change on his back. The sight echoed somewhere in my memories. From when though? I hadn't even seen him wear the outfit before, I didn't think.
"Right here," Lauren pointed. My heartbeat pounded in my chest. I wobbled on my jelly legs to join the rest of my friends in the room. It looked like a break room which had been stuffed with folding chairs. It was on the interior side wall, too, so I couldn't see outside any more. When the door shut behind us I felt an immediate sense of claustrophobia.
The clipboard snapped open and shut. All eyes were on Lauren as she took a tack from the cork board above an ancient looking coffee pot and secured a single sheet of paper there. "These are the orders and time slots. You're each getting twenty five minutes, give or take. No one will be pulled out if they haven't finished yet, but…" she trailed off and looked to Four. He shook his head.
"The goal is to complete your fears as quickly as possible. There is some weighting based on how many you have to run down as far as how final ranks are decided, but the ultimate decision is up to the evaluators," she explained when Four failed to speak up. He was edging closer and closer to the door. He wasn't so rude as to hold the doorknob, but he might as well have been because the instant that Lauren was done talking he was clearly going to bolt.
"Any last advice, Four?" Lauren pressed.
He froze, his expression that of a deer in the headlights. Then when Lauren gestured again he seemed to shake it off. "Don't forget what you've learned. And what you've accomplished. You each are here today because you were strong enough to get through Phase One. Now's the time to show that you belong in the top. That you're brave as well as capable."
Lauren nodded, apparently pleased with his addition. "I have faith that each and every one of you will be able to persevere and defeat your fears," she said confidently.
"Now, we have a long day ahead of us. Rita, someone will be by shortly to bring you in first."
As soon as the instructors had left there was a surge of bodies towards the notice board. One of the Dauntless-borns grabbed the page first and started reading off names. With each one my heart sunk lower and lower in my chest.
I'd gotten so used to going first back in Phase two. Rita got all the way to the end before she finally looked up and said my name. "Tough break," Will said as he clapped me on the shoulder. I sank into the nearest chair. I wanted to be the bigger person and not resent his slot - fourth, just after Peter - and so went through the painful motions of telling him it was totally fine.
Everyone jumped when the door opened. Rita left wordlessly but not every departure was so quiet. Marlene had to first be smothered in a hug from both Uriah and Lynn. Drew tried to get a slow clap going when Peter stood up. As more and more of my friends and fellow initiates left, the more my teeth clenched. At least my pulse would slow after the first initial jump. There wasn't anything I could do. That's what I told myself as the hours dragged on.
Fifteen people needed to go through evaluations. Fifteen scared, anxious Initiates.
True to Lauren's word, lunch arrived around noon, just after Lynn was taken away for her test. It was just toast, watery soup, and some lemon water on the side. No one ate more than half their plates. Nerves didn't go well with a full stomach. I held onto my glass for a while just to feel the cool surface on the palms of my hands.
How many of us would move on? No one had given a number this time. Phase one had hit hard because we knew between the transfers and Dauntless-borns, four were going to leave. I looked around the room at those remaining.
I still didn't know all the Dauntless-borns that well, so I focused on the few friends and acquaintances that I did. Drew - he wasn't bad but he was definitely more of a follower than a leader. Maybe that would work for him though. Christina - I'd told her the truth this morning. I knew she had what it took to be Dauntless. Uriah - no question, he would be joining his brother in the faction. Al…
I made uncomfortable eye contact with him every few minutes. When sparse bits of conversation were attempted, he almost never spoke up. By the time the room emptied to the final three, he was shaking like a leaf.
Without any discernible cause, Al stood up and bolted for the door. I half expected it to be locked, but, no, he was able to push it open with his quivering palms; suddenly Al was gone. I exchanged a bewildered glance with the last remaining Dauntless-born.
"Do we… do something?" I wondered aloud. She shrugged.
I whipped my head to look at the clock. The last initiate had been taken away about… eight minutes ago. Al was up next, then the purple haired Dauntless-born, and then myself. "That idiot," I growled under my breath.
Cursing my own stupid, helpful instincts I surged out the door to follow him. "Al!" I hissed, not comfortable shouting outright. In the distance I heard the elevator ping.
No.
Jogging down the hall I looked on helplessly as the indicator light beeped down, down, down. When it stopped at level 2 - the top section of the Pit where all the shops were, not the lower level we had gathered at this morning - my heart sank deep in my chest. Level 2 also led to the Chasm.
That couldn't be it. I had to be making wild, stupid assumptions.
I tried to force the thought out of my mind. But we had all heard the rumors from our roommates. Every couple of years there was someone who thought the Chasm would be a better end to their Initiation than taking the test.
I turned my nose to the stairwell and ran. Faster than when we raced through the city. Faster than my morning competitions with Eric. Faster than the thoughts spiraling in my brain that told me I should have paid better attention, I should have been the better friend. I grew up a little Abnegation girl. Why couldn't I have spared just an ounce of kindness to someone desperate to belong?
My body ricocheted down the stairs, When I took two at a time, I would stumble into the wall at each landing. Adrenaline pushed me on.
The stairwell put me out just a few yards from the tunnel that spilled onto the chasm bridge. "Al!" I shouted as all my worst fears materialized into his ill-fitting sweatshirt and jeans. He was still on the right side of the guardrail I realized, grasping for a ghost of a chance that my guess was wrong.
He didn't look up. I yelled again before my lungs seized. Breathless gasps rattled my chest as I stumbled the last few feet onto the bridge. I watched his face slowly turn to me.
"Tris." Al's expression was so empty, so lost. He wasn't shaking any longer, or maybe I was and the two cancelled each other out.
"Why?" It was the only thing I could gasp out in-between heaving breaths.
He turned to look down again. The fine spray of rushing water below slowly accumulated on the tip of his nose. Slickness soaked the wooden boards and metal rails. If I had to rush, it would be difficult to stay on my feet. I started forward, one step at a time. Al's body tensed the moment I did. "You don't understand!" he cried out.
My lungs were almost listening to me now. I could manage a few words between breaths. "Tell me then," I pled.
Wetness spread across his cheeks, this time from tears not the river below. "He said it would be easier with two. He said he had a plan. Said it would be so easy," Al said. I stuttered to a halt.
"What would be easy?" Not Initiation. Not the sims. What-?
"I needed every edge I could get, Tris. We're not all so bloody perfect like you," he sniveled. The back of his palm swiped across his face. "We don't all get mentors and 'good try, here's what you should do for next time's. Some of us are hanging on the edge and we need to fight to stay in."
All I could do was blink in bewilderment.
"So I said yes," Al continued. "Said I'd help. 'Specially after seeing how it worked before. Worked with Edward - Myra following along after like a good little girlfriend."
The sweat on my back froze. I should have taken another step while he was talking but I was locked in place.
Al's eyes remained on the water below. They shone with the soft blue of the tunnel lights, sorrowful but cold. So cold. The anguish turned and his voice became sharp, cutting. "Marlene's decent. She was fast, though. Didn't get distracted like Edward had. We messed up."
"Al, this isn't funny. I know that wasn't you that night," I pled. He was delusional. He wasn't that kind of person. He was our friend.
He finally turned to look at me again. Only one hand was on the railing now, loose and relaxed. He tipped his head and a curious expression focused on me. "Of all the people to interfere, it was you. We had Will and Chris out of the picture - they were all too happy to ditch me that night. And Uri had another of those stupid game nights running. That's why we knew Marlene would be going back to put on fresh makeup. I thought for sure the jig was up, that I had fucked up yet again. And yet, you didn't recognize me."
He approached me now, his head still cocked. I was reminded of the dog from the aptitude test sizing me up, deciding how to attack. "There's only fifteen of us," he said harshly, "and you didn't put it together that the nearly six foot guy you spend twelve hours a day with might have been the one you chased down the tunnels?"
I backpedaled. "I didn't think it would be you. It couldn't have been you," I stuttered.
He laughed, a harsh, jarring sound that echoed even over the sound of the river. "Of course you didn't think it was me. I've figured you out now. You just… stopped even considering me. Not for this - that's obvious - but I mean for everything As a friend. As a competitor. As anything, even as a person filling the space near you." He suddenly lurched forward again and I froze once more.
His eyes, now completely cold as the lights faded from them, locked onto mine. We were inches apart. His breath fanned my face. Lemon. The sweetness turned my stomach. "Did you know, we almost did it to you instead?" Al whispered.
"This has to be a simulation," I replied. "This isn't real."
My cheek burned with pain as he slapped my face. "This is real! This is what real fear feels like, Tris. Can you feel it? Eating you up inside? The agony?" he shouted. His fist gripped the front of my top, keeping me close. "Do you get it now?"
Blackness sparkled at the edges of my vision. Everything was narrowing down as instinct kicked in. My hand scrabbled along my thigh as I tried to reach my blade. "Stop that," he snarled. White hot pain exploded across my face again. He re-opened the cut on my lip. "You're going to pay attention to me now. This isn't about you anymore."
I closed my eyes and nodded. I couldn't focus anyways. I didn't want to see my friend's face twist up in fury. Even if I couldn't admit we hadn't really been friends for weeks now. I couldn't bear to see Al like this. I'd give him my attention now.
"You can't imagine what it's like. I had to fight to stay while people like you and Uriah just get handed it. Lauren fauns over him. Fauns over you too. I thought it was disgusting when it was just Eric because, well, he doesn't handle the ranks. But then you won over Lauren, too. God, how big of a silver spoon do you have?" he ranted.
My feet stumbled as he started to drag me forward. He threw me into the railing and suddenly I felt his palm shoving my head down. "Look at it," Al spat. "Can you imagine spending night after night thinking this would be a better fate than being shut out because you're not the perfect teacher's pet?"
I let my eyes open. The rocks below glistened where the water had splashed ever so gleefully upon them. It would be a painful death, to fall end over end onto them. Al's voice returned to whisper red-hot hatred into my ear. "I do have to thank you for coming though."
"Why?" I asked once more. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to understand what had pushed him this far. But it kept him distracted, kept him talking as I brought my knee up to my stomach.
His grip pulled so tightly on my hair that tears overtook the tunnel vision in the corners of my eyes. "Because. You stopped me from making a stupid decision. I shouldn't have to look at this chasm as my end. It's the beginning for me," he said. My fingers stretched as I tried to cover just that hair more distance.
"You finally showed me that I am brave. I'm brave enough to do this. I can get rid of anything that's in my way! Or anyone!" I let my legs drop out from under me. He balked, releasing my hair. My chin slammed hard on the railing as I twisted and turned, but that was okay. It was all okay now that I had the blade of my knife under his quivering chin.
I met my ex-friend's eyes once again. "I'm sorry, Al," I huffed. I meant it, but not for this. For the red flags that I'd left for someone else to notice. He shouldn't have been my responsibility, and we had only just started as friends so few weeks ago; but I was still sorry that things ended with no chance to repair. I had thought he and I would end up like my friendship with Christina - sometimes rocky, but ultimately in the same book if not on the same page.
He crumbled. Not physically - not while I held five inches of honed steel to his artery - but I could see the fight in his eyes now completely snuff out. "Please," Al whispered. "Just let me go. I'll go. I've accepted it. That I'll only ever be Factionless."
I shook my head. "No one got hurt because of me. Not really," he begged.
"You tried to throw me into the Chasm thirty seconds ago!" I exploded. Al whimpered, his eyes darting everywhere before locking onto something over my shoulder.
"He what?" I whipped my head to see Lynn standing bewildered where I had been just minutes ago. Al slapped my hand to send the knife flying onto the wooden boards. How many times would I underestimate his wide eyed terror? Another shove sent me backwards. My head connected with metal and everything went black for real.
I came back quickly, maybe only a minute or two after the blow. Lynn was patting my hand anxiously and my ears rang. "Tris? Oh good yes open those eyes," she cried aloud. "I thought he killed you. You just went down."
I tried to shove her out of my way and stand. "Did he run?" I mumbled. "Can't let him get away with this. Not 'gain."
"I don't know," Lynn admitted. "I think- You sure you're okay? Yeah I don't know."
Everything was doubles ahead of me - Lynn's face, the railing, everything. The moment I pushed to my feet I tumbled right back down. "You can't, Tris. Not now," she said urgently.
"Al's the one who hurt Marlene." We couldn't let him get away with it. He knew who the other person was, too. The one who took out Edward. I couldn't let this go unpunished. Not again. Lynn had to agree. I could see the fury in her eyes.
But she grabbed my forearm when I made for the other side of the bridge. "Tris, we'll get him," she promised. "Not now though. You have to get back upstairs. You haven't taken the test yet right?"
"Fuck the test!" I yelled. Her grip was like iron. I couldn't slip out.
"Tris, no," Lynn ordered. "Stop for a second. If you don't get back up there, you'll end up Factionless too. There aren't any exceptions. Ever. No evaluation, no rank."
I blinked back tears of frustration as I stared at that blue-tinged tunnel ahead. This wasn't fair. "I'm trying to look out for you," Lynn growled as she let go of my arm. "Truly I am. The faster we get you back upstairs, the sooner I can get… someone - anyone - to find that flea bitten coward."
I pushed myself back up. A half dozen footsteps brought me to the end of the bridge. But no further. I closed my eyes and tried to force things back to a single silhouette. When I turned back to Lynn there was just the barest shiver around her figure. "I'll go. Alone. The sooner the Dauntless start hunting for him, the better."
She tried to object, tried to tell me I was being stupid to be alone with a head wound. I played to her anger once more and won this time. We separated at the base of the elevator. Sour bile churned in my stomach. When I was finally alone in the elevator box, I let out the nervous laugh.
At least now I knew that I'd be able to beat Al in my sim. One down.