Chapter 36 – A Show of Faith

Sirius turned the corner and pushed through the first door he saw. The air outside was heavy, humid, the rain coming down steadily. He plodded forward, putting one foot in front of the other. The grounds were blissfully empty. Most of the school in the Great Hall having watched him react and then run from Avery's damaging words.

He stopped at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. He didn't feel the patter of the rain on his skin. His breathing was erratic. His thoughts in disarray.

The forest, however, was alive and flourishing. The leaves so bright a green against the darkened sky it looked unreal. Life was simpler out in the wild. He could turn into a dog and run free...maybe he would never return...

He turned to look at the castle as if to bade his old life goodbye. He could see three figures heading towards him. It was them. His friends. They meant well...even in the state he was in, he knew that.

They reached him before he could make any drastic life changing decisions. James was the first to speak.

"Padfoot, let's go back inside."

He looked at them one by one. Peter's bangs plastered to his forehead, Remus's soaked through clothes hanging on his lanky frame, and James – when he looked at James all he saw was that bruise.

James tossed to the ground. The ropes tight around his wrists. The mocking blue eyes. The flash of green light.

Sirius had to look away, pretending it was his choice to stare into the distance rather than being unable to look at his best friend.

"If I wanted to be inside, I wouldn't have walked all the way out here."

"I thought maybe you didn't realize it was raining?"

Sirius threw James a look.

"We don't mind, of course," Remus interjected. "The rain feels refreshing."

"I might not even need to take a bath tonight," chimed in Peter.

James stepped up beside him. He too was looking off into the distance. "Avery was bang out of order."

Out of order? Sirius almost laughed out loud. It was so innocuous sounding. It did nothing to describe the gut punch, the way Avery had twisted the knife with his toast. He'd thought he'd prepared himself mentally for the worst of the reactions. He'd expected those to wish Keenan had survived rather than him. For Avery to suggest Keenan's death was a win for the pureblood movement and that Sirius had a hand in it had never crossed his mind.

"When I see Avery next, I am going to – I'm going to -" He couldn't finish the sentence. He was too angry. He clenched his fists and leaned into the feeling. Anger was a safe emotion. He could look his friends in the eye while he was angry.

"Avery can say anything he wants. It doesn't make it true," Remus said.

"What was untrue about what he said?" Sirius countered. Remus looked alarmed by his words and Sirius realized his mistake. He hadn't meant to speak with such candor, but it was what made Avery's words so hurtful. There was some truth to it. A pureblood was alive and a Muggleborn was dead.

Remus tried to recover. "Perhaps in a literal sense... but I don't think Professor Keenan saved you because -"

Sirius scoffed. "You weren't there."

"I was."

"And?"

Sirius was staring at James, glaring at James, daring James to say – to say what? Agree with Avery? State that Keenan deserved it? Or that Keenan should have lived? Is that really what he wanted to hear from his best friend?

James met his gaze evenly. "Professor Keenan made a choice...and even if it allows the purebloods like Avery to claim this small victory, I'd rather that than the alternative."

It didn't feel like a small victory. This year of fighting against his parents, against the Slytherins, against all that pureblood ideology. Running away, fighting for his freedom, fighting against the future his parents set out for him...and then for it all to end with the idea that he'd helped their cause. It was like nothing he did mattered and it terrified him.

"Let Avery spout his nonsense. Anyone who knew Keenan knows he didn't treat students differently based on blood. And anyone who knows you would realize the ridiculousness-"

"He did treat me differently," Sirius stated as the realization washed over him. "He was interested in me far more than anyone else in our year. He brought my mother in to talk. He tried to get me to open up. It's why I was able to ask for that book on the Homonculus Charm. It's why he gave me that book."

"It didn't have anything to do with you being a pureblood."

"We can't know that – not for certain."

"Sirius, he saved your life. Nothing more. Nothing less. Don't let Avery-"

"If the Death Eater had chosen you to kill instead of me – you'd be dead. Keenan guessed – he guessed it would be me and pushed me out of the way. But if he'd been wrong – there wouldn't have been enough time for him to save you too."

James faltered for just a second. "He guessed right. That's all that matters."

Sirius stuffed his hands into his pocket. He closed his eyes before taking a deep breath and surveying his friends. James was frowning. Remus's face lined with worry. Peter staring down at the ground, his mouth in a straight line.

If he'd been trying to convince his friends he was losing his mind, he couldn't have done a better job.

"It's still raining," Peter pointed out. Whether Peter meant it as a moment of levity or because he hated being wet, it gave them a way to move forward.

"Let's get you inside. Dry off...we can get hot cocoa from the kitchens?" James placed a hand on his back, steering him toward the castle.

Sirius didn't fight it. His friends were stubborn enough to stand out there with him until he was ready. There was no point in making them all miserable. He could pretend for them that the conversation had made him feel better. So, he allowed them to lead him back to the castle. Their shoes were soddened and covered in mud, and Sirius was certain they could have filled a small bathtub from the water wringed out of their clothes.

Within moments of being inside, Lily Evans made a beeline towards them. That in itself was curious as she wanted little to do with them since their attack on Snape by the lake. She took in their disheveled appearance without comment. "Black, Professor McGonagall is looking for you. She wants to talk to you in her office."

Of course, what did he expect she was going to say?

"I'll deal with this," Remus said quietly. "Go on ahead."

Remus approached Lily as the other two herded him in the opposition direction. Apparently, he couldn't be trusted to have a simple conversation with a prefect. Once in the kitchens, they dried their clothes with a quick spell, and ordered hot cocoa and a tray of biscuits.

Sirius was staring at the milky brown liquid in his cup when Remus rejoined them.

"She'll pretend she didn't see us," Remus said accepting a drink from one of the house elves.

"Really? She agreed to that?" Peter questioned. He was munching on biscuit looking content.

"Yes...after I promised her Sirius would speak to McGonagall later today."

"Evans knows that you don't speak for me?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

He was being argumentative for no reason. Remus had done him a favor. He was in enough trouble without adding in the fact he'd ignored a summons from his Head of House from one of the prefects in his own House. McGonagall took disrespect towards prefects very seriously, and Sirius had been chastised for it before.

"Thank you."

"If you want...I can speak to Professor McGonagall...say you aren't feeling well and that you'll see her in the morning?"

"No need," Sirius said curtly. He pushed away his drink, and then nearly fell off the stool.

A house elf had popped up beside him. "Master Sirius, is the cocoa not to your liking?"

"Oh...it's fine," Sirius said taking it back. As he took a tentative sip as not to hurt the House Elves feelings, he couldn't help thinking how disgusted his mother would be that he'd apologized to a servant.

He saw his three friends trying to hide grins.

"What?" he grumbled.

"Nothing," James answered as conversation turned to something mundane about the summer. Sirius didn't listen.

Five days, he told himself.

In five days, he'd be at the Potters and away from all this.

Time was moving strangely for Sirius. A morning would stretch on tortuously, only for Sirius to find himself in bed unable to fully remember what had occupied his time for the rest of the day.

The Professors didn't seem to know what to do with them. All Defense Against the Dark Arts classes were cancelled, and mandatory study hall was assigned in its place. In addition, Sirius and James were handed a daily schedule each morning. Every hour of each day was accounted for. It was more an annoyance than anything. He was also being monitored constantly – by the staff, the prefects and by his friends. He couldn't swat a fly without it being immediately reported to someone in authority.

Already Sirius had two visits (summons really) to McGonagall's office. The first focusing on Avery and the Memorial Service. McGonagall warned him that no allowances would be made for him if he let his temper get the best of him. The second was an opportunity to talk about his feelings without having to seek it out himself. He been uncooperative during both meetings, and Sirius hoped it was enough for McGonagall to see the futility and leave him alone.

McGonagall wasn't the only one who thought talking was important. A seventh year Prefect had wanted him and James join what she called a 'support group'. She was Muggleborn and apparently this was a Muggle thing she'd heard about. He'd been rather rude to her as to leave her no opening to try again.

The news of the tragedy had quickly traveled outside of Hogwarts. The day after the Memorial Service, concerned parents began picking up their children early. Peter's mother had written him with this idea, but Peter had told her that he wanted to stay the last week.

He was pushing the food around his plate in the Great Hall when a headline caught his eye.

Hogwarts: Are your children really safe?

Remus, sitting beside him, had forgotten to slip the Daily Prophet into his satchel. It was another way his friends thought they were protecting him. They need not bother as he usually had little desire to read any article published on the matter. The journalists didn't care about muddying the truth or if their words inflicted pain on the survivors.

He and James were receiving interview requests daily. Publishing a first-person account of what transpired would be a boost to any reporter's career. Some were even offering to pay them for their time. Each and every one of those letters ended up in tatters in the nearest bin.

Despite himself Sirius was intrigued and pulled the newspaper closer so he could read the article. He supposed it should have been expected the blame would be placed on Dumbledore. There had always been a faction that wished to unseat the Headmaster. Now that group could prey on parents' fear for their children. It was a solid argument. The castle was not secure; if two students could sneak out then those that wished to harm could also sneak in.

The argument against the Headmaster did not stop at that he noted as he read on:

The question begging us all, why were James Potter and Sirius Black not apprehended trying to leave the castle grounds? As well documented rule breakers, the boys should have been supervised closely. Potter and Black feared neither being caught nor the consequences. This is a direct failure of Dumbledore as Headmaster.

While most agree that this failure was a result of carelessness or misjudgment of character, there are those who believe the root of the problem is deeper. There have been whispers of Dumbledore favoring certain students over others -

"Riveting article?" James asked.

Peter groaned beside him. "If my mother sees one more article like that, she might come to Hogwarts herself and drag me home. What's it say?"

Sirius slid the newspaper back to where it had been beside Remus. "Apparently Dumbledore has been letting us run wild with absolutely no law and order."

"What?" Peter asked reaching for the paper himself. Remus leaned over to try to read the now upside-down paper.

Sirius glanced up to find James watching him, an inscrutable look on his face

"All right?" Sirius asked quietly.

Sirius never would know how James would have answered. Professor McGonagall choosing that moment to walk by, reminding James of their prearranged meeting in her office.

"Mr. Potter, my office. Ten minutes. Don't forget."

"Yes, Professor," James replied. He stood up a moment later, his plate only half eaten, flinging his bag over his shoulder. "I better get going." As James walked away, he turned back once to look at Sirius.

There was no need to be paranoid. McGonagall wanted to see how James was holding up. There was no reason to think McGonagall would ask James about him. And even if she did, they did not confide their troubles with adults. James would keep his confidence.

He took a bite of the piece of toast. Still tasteless. But if he was going to continue with the pretense that he was feeling 'better', eating was the first place to start.

"No! No!"

Remus pushed back the covers and placed his feet into his slippers. Sirius, barefoot, was already standing by James' bed. Peter and their other roommates continued to sleep blissfully unaware.

James continued to thrash and cry out, his bedsheets twisted around him until Sirius forcefully shook him awake.

"Another nightmare?" James asked, his voice slightly hoarse, his breathing still quick and rapid. A light sheen of sweat covered his skin. He looked so pale and vulnerable. It was the second night in a row he'd woken them up.

"Yes."

"Sorry," James mumbled as he sat up. "I-I don't know how to stop them."

Remus was worried. James had never had nightmares before. Remus supposed he never had a reason to have them. Out of the four, James' life had been the most idyllic. Peter's father had abandoned his mother. Sirius dealt with his controlling pureblood family. He had the werewolf-ness to deal with.

Yesterday James had told them he was fine. The nightmare brushed off and they had gone back to bed. This evening Sirius lowered himself to the ground, his back leaning on his bed so he was facing James. Remus walked around, sinking down on the ground beside Sirius. James got out of his own bed, sitting on the ground as well, leaning against his own bed so he faced them.

"It might help," Remus ventured, "if you told us about it."

Remus had been plagued by nightmares for several years after he'd been bitten. He remembered his mother stroking his hair, asking him to describe what he remembered. It didn't always help, but sometimes simply putting his fears into words was enough to overcome them (at least for that evening).

"I can never remember the details," James said after a few moments of contemplation. "But I'm always too late. I'm always too late to save – to save Sirius."

"Me?" Sirius appeared bewildered by his friend's confession.

James nodded.

"Save me from who?"

"Death Eaters. Voldemort. Your family. I can't save you from any of them."

"You don't need to. I'm right here. I'm safe."

"Are you safe?"

Sirius sighed. "I don't need saving."

"Tell that to my brain. It won't listen." James tried to smile, but he failed. "Doesn't it feel more real? The war and the danger?"

Even in the dim light, Remus saw something in his friend he so rarely did. He was scared Remus realized. It was such an unnerving conclusion that he almost dismissed it. This was not the same cocky, confident James Potter of before.

It was hard to admit, but Remus had been angry at first. That day Peter noticed their absence first after discovering James's Invisibility Cloak near his bed. Remus was convinced they had left him out because he would have tried to talk them out of their plan. And it bothered him. How many times as prefect had he looked the other way, and this was how they repaid him? Running off without even a second thought?

The anger turned to worry and then to fear. McGonagall had spoken to them. She'd been scant on the details, but his friends had been in grave danger. Then came of the news of Keenan's death and sacrifice. He'd been there when Sirius broke down in tears. And now James was having nightmares. How was he supposed to help them? What could he say to make it better?

"It's been real for a while...for some of us," Sirius stated. "Or did you think all year this has been a game for me?"

James looked taken back. "That's not...I didn't mean-"

Remus's stomach twisted. Things were worse than he had wanted to admit. Without discussing it, they had all been focused on Sirius, who snapped from irritability to melancholy so quickly these days. Remus realized his mistake. James had always dealt best with Sirius when he was in these moods, matching Sirius's biting words with his own. Things were different this time. James needed support as well, maybe even more.

"We are all scared," Remus tried.

"I need-" James pushed himself to his feet, stumbling in the dark towards the bathroom. They could hear the water in the sink running.

"That was uncalled for," Remus said immediately. He kept his voice low. It was time for someone to call out Sirius on his behavior. Usually it would have been James, but he was going to have to step up. "He's as worried and scared as you are! Do you ever think about us? About James? You should be dead and our Professor has been murdered. And James was there! Did it occur to you we might also be upset?"

Sirius didn't immediately answer. Then finally he stated, "James tried to tell me."

"It's time to listen to him."

James returned, taking his previous seat. "There's no need for us all to stay awake."

"I'll stay up with him," Sirius said nonchalantly. He didn't need to say more. Remus could read in between the lines.

Remus pretended to yawn. He'd give Sirius the chance to have this conversation with James alone. "Ok. Don't stay up too late.""

As he drew the curtains, he could hear the soft voices of his mates. Then some soft laughter. Maybe they would get through this.

Four more days.

Sirius was exhausted. He still woke up often in the night unable to fall back asleep. He supposed things were a little bit better. After Remus had shamed him into having a conversation with James, they had talked. He had been so consumed in his own feelings that he hadn't had room to worry about the others.

They'd talked before about joining the war effort, becoming Aurors, fighting Death Eaters. It had all sounded so glamorous and heroic. And they'd been thrust into the reality without realizing they were still children and not prepared. He recalled his terror when he'd thought the Killing Curse had been aimed at James. He'd gone through a lot this year, but this was real in a different way.

They had discussed their fear, but had still only touched on the guilt. The guilt of survival. The guilt of relief. The guilt of being the cause. James had told him out right in the Hospital Wing his feelings, and Sirius had brushed it off. Even in the safety of darkness of the dormitory with the person he felt closest in the world to, Sirius had struggled with putting his feelings into words. At least it had been enough to stop his best friend's nightmares (or so claimed by James).

Sirius was in the library as scheduled by his Head of House. Under the watchful eye of the librarian, he was supposed to be doing schoolwork. He had been pretending to read, but eventually have given up all pretense of that. He lay his head on the table trying to clear his mind of everything.

At the moment he only had Peter for company. Remus had prefect duty; watching some off the younger students during a study hall. James and the rest of the Quidditch Team were cleaning out the Gryffindor Quidditch lockers. Peter didn't have to be here, and he would have appreciated the company more if he wasn't feeling irritated by practically everything. He was trying to be kinder, more understanding towards his friends, but it was a work in process.

A sudden sharp kick to his shins startled Sirius. He looked up expecting to see the librarian glaring down at him. It was not her, but someone worse – his brother.

Regulus directed the question to Peter. "Can I have a word with my brother?"

Peter fumbled to his feet, mumbling an excuse, and abandoning Sirius with barely a second thought.

"Why are you friends with Pettigrew?"

"Why do you care?"

"Is it true he was a hat-stall?"

Sirius groaned. "Go away, Regulus."

His brother ignored him as per usual taking a seat across from him. He watched as Regulus muttered a quick spell. "Complete privacy," Regulus declared as Sirius rolled his eyes.

"So…how are you?" Regulus Black.

"For Godric's Sake, Reg! I am not doing this! We are not going to exchange pleasantries as if nothing has happened!"

Regulus was taken aback by the force of his outburst. Then his face grew more determined. "Professor Keenan was a good teacher."

Sirius laughed bitterly. He ignored the pit that had formed in his stomach at the mere mention of Keenan. "He's Muggleborn."

"So? He didn't deserve to die."

"Oh, right…mudbloods should be enslaved to do our bidding. That is so much better."

"He didn't die for being a Muggleborn; he died because of you."

Sirius would have thought that someone bringing up that fact would start hurting less, but it did not. It still hit him right in in the gut, his heart hammering like crazy. His voice stuck in his throat.

Regulus continued, there was a confidence in him that his brother had lacked not so long ago. "Keenan sacrificed himself – and you're going to throw it all away – you will get yourself killed, and for what? Deep down you know we are better than them. Magic makes us special! Our ancestors – our bloodline – helped build this world. Why shouldn't we be the ones to rule? It is our birthright!"

"You know better. You know that's nonsense."

"It's coming this summer."

"What is?" The sudden change in direction throwing him.

"The Dark Lord's offer. Not from Bella or Cissy or Lucius. Directly from the Dark Lord." Regulus paused to allow the words to sink in. "You've run out of time. You will have to make your choice…and I thought…with your recent brush with death, you'd be more receptive...open to other paths."

Sirus flushed in anger. "I'm not a coward."

"That's not what this is! This is about being smart! What good will you be to anyone dead?"

"Let Voldemort try to kill me!" Even he could hear the false bravado in his words.

"Don't be stupid. He will. No one lasts long once they've defied the Dark Lord – not Aurors – and certainly not a school boy."

"I'll be 17 before the end of the year."

"And still a schoolboy.'

"Of legal age." He glared at his brother. "More importantly I'll be free from their control."

"Are you talking about Mother and Father? They are being more than tolerant. After you blatantly broke all those school rules with Potter? Aren't you still on probation for what you did to Snape? Who would blame them if they grounded you? Who would blame them if they forbade you from seeing Potter all summer?"

Sirius didn't have answer for that. Hadn't he wondered the very same thing? He had hoped his parents had just given up on him. This conversation with his brother was proving otherwise.

Regulus retrieved a dark green envelope from inside his robes. "This is the reason I wanted to speak with you." He slid it across the table.

Sirius regarded the envelope with suspicion. It wasn't a Howler, but it didn't mean it wouldn't spontaneously combust into flames.

"If this is an invitation to one of the Black Family sordid soirees, I regretfully decline."

"It's not." Regulus took a deep breath. "It's a show of faith."

"What are you talking about?"

"A show of faith. Open it and you'll understand." Regulus leaned forward; his tone softer. "Promise me one thing? Promise me that you will consider the Dark Lord's offer. It will be reasonable…so please think it over. Don't dismiss it."

"No."

"Sirius. Just consider it? Please."

He was thrown. There was a sincerity in his brother's voice that surely had not been faked. He knew that the offer to join the Death Eaters would never be reasonable. His brother might believe it, but he had always been naive.

"Ok," Sirius lied.

The relief on his brother's face left him even more unsettled. He should ignore the letter, and throw it immediately into the nearest fire. This would be another ploy orchestrated by his parents.

He thought again of his brother. He cursed under his breath.

Curiosity killed the cat, not the dog.

He ran his finger along the edges of the seam to open the envelope. Inside was a picture of a man who Sirius didn't recognize immediately. There was more; a piece of paper with a name and address. Behind that was a drawing of the inside of the house, an 'x' marked the spot of a hidden compartment within its walls. If he hadn't been so exhausted, he might have grasped the truth immediately. He stared at the man, at that face, and his stomach summersaulted. His body realizing the truth before his mind could catch up. It was the eyes, the same blue eyes that kept flashing maliciously in his head. He had in his hands the evidence to place Keenan's murderer behind bars.

His choice was clear cut. The only reasonable action was to go straight to the authorities. Show them this and turn in his parents. After all they had been withholding this pertinent information.

So why was he frozen in his seat? Technically this had been given with no strings attached. His brother had said so – a show of faith. Why did it feel that by his acceptance he would be attaching the strings himself?

Had his parents sought this Death Eaters identity? Had they been given it by another party to then hand over to him?

He had answers to none of these questions, but it all had to be related to the impending offer by Voldemort. And it would weaken his position. If accepted this...then he was open to other offers. But if he didn't? If he let this man go free, he could kill again. What if he tried again? What if he went after James next?

Sirius didn't know how long he was staring at the contents before Peter reappeared. "What's that?"

"Nothing," Sirius said. He slipped the papers back into the envelope and placed it into his bag. Peter didn't look entirely convinced, but he didn't inquire further. As nosy as Peter could be, he avoided direct confrontations.

He would not burden the others with this. He'd decide – one way or the other – what to do alone.

Author's note: Thank you so much for your support with this story. I decided not to show the conversation between Sirius and James after Remus went back to bed. Everything spoken between them had been brought up in other parts of the chapter and would have been repetitive. This is another heavy chapter, but very important in the growth of the Marauders.

Edit (12-20-2020): Three more chapter to go (not one as previously written)! Let me know your thoughts via review!