Disclaimer: I only own the plot and my OCs. Anything you recognize as not mine belongs to Marvel Studios, Disney, and/or their otherwise respective owners.

Author's Notes: So uh, there was originally a long-ass A/N here, but I decided to ditch it because it was kind of cringe.

Welcome to this story! This story is one of my favorites of all the things I've written. Like, I adore it. So. Much. It's not without its warnings, as it is a serious story. There's suicidal ideation and attempts, violence, gore, and past CSA. I've CW'ed the stories where these are the worst, but I don't think it's as bad as I originally thought it would be, so. Take from that what you will.

This story is beginning in medias res. This chapter takes place between chapters 39 and 40, so yeah. The story title also comes from the twenty one pilots song, heavy, dirty soul. So do quite a bit of the chapters, lol.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this story as much as I do! :)

Sincerely,

~TGWSI/Selene Borealis

Edit: Revised 12/24/22

Alternative Chapter Title(s): waiting for love (as in the Avicii song, and yes I've named all the chapter titles and the title of the fic itself after songs, don't me)

~the heavy souls 'verse~

~heavy, dirty soul~

~prologue~

The month that followed was almost torture.

He wasn't good at being patient, he'd never been. He tried his best to be so, as he got sent sporadic updates as to the whole situation, but when those updates didn't seem to go anywhere, it made him anxious. There wasn't anything he could do, and it was agony, because as he'd said before, he was a tinkerer. Fixing was what he did, and he couldn't exactly fix this problem right now.

Save for recent history, it was not like he had ever needed to be patient before. He had been through objectively worse than this, from being tortured in Afghanistan, almost dying from the palladium poisoning, the months dealing with PTSD from both of those things plus the Battle of New York, which had effectively ruined his and Pepper's romantic relationship before it had gotten into its stride. His and Steve's breakup – if you could call it that – was another thing he hadn't needed patience with; it had just happened, as horrible as it had been. And sure, his daughter going missing the first time, he had needed to be patient for as the months and months had passed on, but...

Every time he closed his eyes now, he could see her in his mind, those only times he had seen her. Penny Parker, his daughter. It felt like he'd only seen her for all of five minutes, and yet he could vividly remember her curly, messy bob of dark brown hair. Her wide, dark brown eyes that were identical to his own. Her pale skin, and that first time, the – don't think about that, don't think about that, don't think about!

In her absence, his guilt had returned full force, because he knew it was all his fault. For a genius, he could be a real fucking idiot sometimes. He'd failed her. He should have put the pieces together sooner. He should have realized that she, Spider-Woman, and...her were all the same person sooner, and not said the things he had in the heat of the moment. And he should have stayed at her side and been there when she'd woken up, so he could have prevented her from running away.

Because now she was gone, and here he was, having to be patient when he wasn't any good at that while Clint, instead of him, tracked her down.

Sighing, Tony set down his glass of single malt scotch – not the first he'd had in the past month, but he was getting better with his drinking when compared to that summer – as he stared at the holoscreen in front of him, depicting one of the many projects he was supposed to be working on for SI, but couldn't find the focus within him to do so. He supposed that this month hadn't been as bad as it could've been. At least he had answers now, although not all of them and the ones that he did scraped at his soul. They practically screamed at him how horrible of a person he was. At least he had seen her alive before she'd ran away, and not – nope, don't think about that, either!

Not for the first time since their breakup, he wished Steve was still here with him, even after what he had done. It wasn't even in a romantic way anymore; he just needed his incredible amount of optimism and unique way of putting things into perspective. God knew how much Natasha, Matt, May, Rhodey, and even Pepper had been trying to do the same for the past month, but they simply weren't enough. Nothing was enough, or wouldn't be, not until Clint came back with Penny. But he had no idea when that would be. Again, the updates weren't exactly satisfactory, and they were sporadic. The spies had never been as good at them as the rest of them were had been.

Grimacing, he grabbed his glass of scotch again and brought it to his lips.

Just before he could take his sip, however, FRIDAY spoke up. "Boss, Ms. Romanoff and Ms. Potts would like you to know that dinner is ready," she inforned him softly, because of course he had to program an AI who was entirely too knowledgable about his emotions.

"Alright, FRI. Let them know I'll be up in a minute," he told her.

"Ms. Romanoff would like to add that if you, 'do not come upstairs right now, I will come down and drag you back up here myself. That is a direct quote,'" FRIDAY replied after a pause. "And to remind you that alcohol is not allowed at the dinner table."

Tony snorted but didn't bother to try and argue, knowing that Natasha would be all too willing to be true to her word. Instead, setting down his glass, he turned off the projector and headed over to the elevator. Wordlessly, FRIDAY opened up its doors for him, and when he walked inside, shut them and sent the cart up to the Avengers communal floor. The ride was fast as always, fast enough that it only took a couple of seconds, and yet not fast enough. Despite the silence, he could hear the two words which had haunted him for the past month both in his sleep and his waking moments, the ones which still shook him to his very soul.

"S – sorry, Dad."

...God, he really needed the rest of that drink.

But, also of course, that wasn't in the cards for him. Not tonight. All too soon, the doors to the elevator were opening, revealing the open floor plan of the communal floor. Everyone else was already there, naturally: Natasha and Pepper were in the process of putting the food on the table, with Laura – Clint had brought them with him when he'd arrived, and they'd been staying on his floor ever since he had gone off on his "mission" – nursing at the table. She was smiling, laughing as she said something about "not having to cook," but he barely paid attention to her as his eyes roamed over to the couches. Harley, his sister Abigail, Cooper, and Lila were all sitting there, playing MarioKart, while Rhodey, Happy, and May were talking as they watched them. Matt was chatting with them as well, his hand ghosting over the claw marks on his arm. They'd scarred over now and looked a little grisly – not that the blind bastard would care about that.

Looking at them, something awful tugged at Tony's heart. The absence of Penny was so obvious; he could imagine her now, sitting right next to Harley, a tentative smile gracing her features as she watched the game, since for some reason he doubted she would want to play. Or maybe she would be sitting at the table instead, as by all accounts she was an introvert and not one for large groups of people. He didn't know, not really.

(Because he didn't know her. That much was obvious to him.)

Matt was the one to notice him first, his head tilting instinctively towards him. It was May, however, who said something first as she followed Matt's movement with her eyes, which locked onto his. The wrinkles around her eyes crinkled, a bittersweet smile appearing on her face as she pushed herself up off of the couch she was sitting on. She came over to him, her hand brushing up against his arm. "Merry Christmas," she said quietly.

"It's not Christmas, yet," he retorted, his lips quirking in a way that was entirely too self-depreciative, no matter how earned it was.

She understood his meaning: they'd all expected Clint to return home, his daughter in hand, by now. "Merry Christmas Eve, then."

He had another retort ready for that, too, but he decided not to use it as she led him over to the table, like he was an old man or something. In place of it, he chose to send a glare at Natasha, who merely looked back at him with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you said dinner was ready, Natashalie."

"What does this look like to you?" she bit back, gesturing to the spread in front of them. Then, in an admitting way, she added, "Besides, I was pretty sure I was going to have to go downstairs and get you, anyways."

...Okay, so maybe she had a point there. He wasn't exactly known for coming up from the lab when he should've.

Damn triple agent, he thought as he sat down.

"Dinner's ready," Pepper called out at the same time.

FRIDAY paused the game on the TV, making the three kids groan but nevertheless scamper over to the table. Well. Cooper and Lila scampered over and Harley followed after them; the poor kid had quite the prominent set of bruises underneath his eyes, and Tony couldn't help but internally wince in sympathy. He had never been one for sleeping, and the past month of nightmares and impatient waiting had only exacerbated the issue. His mother, Evelyn, hadn't even had the heart to ground him like she'd wanted to.

"Get – get away from me!"

Rhodey, Happy, and Matt trailed behind the kids, before they all took their seats. Since Tony was sitting at the head of the table, the one which sat facing the windows instead of the elevator, Rhodey sat to his right, and May to his left. The others all sat in a weird sort of mess past them, not that he cared. No, all he cared about was the fact that, in spite of there being fourteen – fifteen, if you counted the plate for Nathaniel – places set, there were only eleven people at the table.

All he cared about was the fact that it was Christmas Eve, the so-called "most magical time of the year," and his daughter. Still. Wasn't. Home.

"This all looks wonderful, Natasha, Pepper," May said, complimenting their chefs. As most of the time, she was...not optimistic, per se, but certainly upbeat; he was grateful for it, even if it hadn't been all that soothing on his soul for the past month. She was certain that Penny would come home, that Clint would find her.

He wished he could be that upbeat.

Pepper smiled. "Well, it's not all that often I get to cook." Her eyes darted over to his teasingly. "Although, I couldn't possibly imagine a reason for why that is."

Tony knew what she was trying to do: she was trying to bait him, get his mind off of the obvious. And he appreciated it, really. But it was like it was last December all over again, and it just wasn't working. Not today, and not for the past month.

But he let out a halfhearted scoff anyways, and reminded her that, "You accepted the position, Ms. Potts."

Her smile turned into a smirk. "Only because you wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, Mr. Stark."

Down the table, he saw Natasha hide her smile of mild amusement with her mug of hot chocolate.

The dinner was nice. For all the stereotypes that high-power people weren't able to cook, Pepper (and Natasha, he supposed) defied them, even if she was right in how she wasn't able to cook that often. And even if the food, which he would've been able to enjoy under any other circumstance, tasted like ash in his mouth since that day. Whatever. He deserved it.

He didn't really participate in any of the conversations, though they washed over him like a wave. Rhodey and May were talking about her charity work with the FEAST program that she'd started doing in the past two weeks. Pepper and Happy were discussing something work-related which he had a feeling he should probably know about, but didn't thanks to the endless spiral he had been going through for the past month – before that, actually, if he was really being honest with himself. The kids were chatting about the new Harry Potter But Not™ movie which had just come out. And Natasha, Matt, and Laura were speaking about...something, he wasn't quite sure what, and nor did he care to try and find out.

"But she's – she's my friend!"

" – ssert?" Pepper asked him. He could tell by the tone of her voice, that she was asking him.

Tony blinked. "What?"

Next to him, Rhodey chuckled, as did most of the table. "Told you he wasn't listening," his best friend said, albeit there was a familiar touch of concern in his eyes that made Tony feel all too uncomfortable.

"Do you want dessert?" Pepper repeated. "Matt made fruitcake – "

"It's probably inedible," Matt interjected as an apology, causing everybody else to laugh.

" – And we have pumpkin pie, apple pie, chess pie – "

"Homemade by Mama Keener," Harley reminded them all with a tired again. "Again, she's sorry she couldn't make it."

Cooper and Lila gave him twin smiles in response.

" – And ice cream," Pepper finished, with an added glare at the two guilty offenders who had interrupted her. They each smiled back at her, which even after months of knowing him was still kind of creepy when it came to Matt. He should nothave been able to detect her glare, if he was any other person. Blind bastard.

At the thought of eating more food, Tony's stomach twisted, for more reasons than one. It was a painful reminder.

"That all sounds great. Thanks, Pep," he said. "But I'm – "

Abruptly, he stopped.

Partly, it was because of how Matt's head suddenly snapped up then, jerking in the direction of the elevator, an expression of shock spreading across his face. Partly, it was because of how, a moment after that, he heard the distinctive ding! of the elevator and its doors opening, even though nobody else in the state should've had access to it and FRIDAY should've alerted him to any possible visitors coming up. And partly, it was because as soon as he heard the doors to the elevator open, he watched as the faces of every other person in the room mirrored Matt's, including Natasha's.

But mostly, it was because of a sudden tingling that he felt at the base of his neck, a shiver which went down his spine. It was like all of the paternal instincts that had failed him for the past year had suddenly arrived, with the force of a typhoon to make up for the time lost. Spinning around in his chair, he turned, his eyes already widening, and –

"Guess who I found in San Francisco?" Clint announced to the room with a smirk on his face as he and Penny, Tony's daughter Penny, walked out of the elevator.

Because there she was, standing in front of him for the first time in a month, the first time ever, with the thermos he had made for her clutched in her hands and a black bag hefted on her left shoulder. Her face was thin, terrifyingly thin, gaunt, hollow, and her eyes were as wide as his own as she regarded them all and they her, her teeth worrying her bottom lip nervously.

For a moment, they all stood or sat there, staring at each other. Like idiots.

"Erm...hi?" Penny said at last.

The effect of her words was like a spell being broken. Vaguely, he could hear Cooper and Lila shout out, "Dad!" as they shot to their feet and hurried over to him, with Clint grinning as he welcomed them with open arms. He could hear Harley say something as he bounded out of his chair to pull Penny into a hug of their own, making her laugh quietly as she dropped her bag and let him spin her in the air. He could hear May, and Rhodey, and Pepper, and everyone else, really. It was a cacophony of noise, of disbelief, of relief.

But Tony couldn't think about any of that as he shakily got to his feet, his legs feeling like worse than jelly underneath him. He walked forwards, his body pushing himself with the instinctual need to move, until he was standing right in front of the kid and his daughter. They separated, although they still remained holding hands, and his eyes locked with hers, dark brown meeting dark brown. An eternity seemed to pass in the span of a single second.

"Penny," he breathed, putting every single emotion he had felt for the past year into that one single word, her name, because all of the technically-not-first words he had spent reciting to himself had vanished from his mind. They were gone, just like that. And also, he wasn't going to touch her without her permission. He knew better than to do so. "Oh thank God, Penny."

Her face crumpled. Blinking back tears, she sniffled, until she wound up having to wipe them away with her free arm anyways. "I'm sorry, Dad," she said. And oh, how he wanted to tell her then that she had nothing to apologize for. He was the one at fault here, not her. "I'm just – I'm so sorry."

It was almost funny, how Tony didn't realize everyone was leaving the room until Clint walked past Penny. "You can do this," he told her softly, smiling.

Hesitantly, she gave him a smile back.

After the uproar had died down, both Penny and Clint had taken their seats at the table, chairs having been moved aside and people having moved around until Penny had been sitting in between him and Harley with May on Tony's other side and Clint had been sitting next to his wife. Questions had been thrown at her over dessert, dozens of them, from everyone, which she had seemed more than a little overwhelmed in trying to answer.

(Yes, she was fine. Yes, she had been safe. Yes, she had really fled all the way to San Francisco. No, she wasn't hungry – this last one, she had replied to Pepper with a bit of a mischievous smirk that reminded him of himself before the CEO had realized the obvious problem there and flushed. And etcetera.)

She'd also been introduced to May properly. "You must be my Aunt May," she had said nervously as she'd sat across from the woman. "It's, uh, nice to finally meet you. Mom talked about you in her, um – "

May had let out a half-laugh, half-sob as she had nodded eagerly. "Yep, I'm your Aunt May," she'd confirmed. "Oh, it's so nice to finally meet you."

Penny's smile had turned more genuine at that. "It's nice to finally meet you, too."

But now they were here, and as Clint and his family disappeared behind the doors of the elevator, Abigail going with them to head to hang out or go to the floor the Keeners had when they stayed over to get ready for bed, it was just the six of them, sitting at the table. He'd been so invested in Penny, he'd never even realized that Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy had left. Huh.

As if realizing the same thing, Harley slowly got to his feet, his face reddening. "I'll, uh, just – yeah – "

Only Penny gripping his hand in hers again had him sitting back down. "Stay," she murmured, her tone showing it was a request, not an order.

Tony didn't think he had ever seen the kid sit down so fast before.

Fidgeting, Penny let go of Harley's hand to clasp and unclasp hers together, her teeth at her lip again. "I need to tell you everything," she said.

Matt frowned, while May shook her head.

It was Natasha, however, who spoke, her voice firm, but also understanding. "You don't need to tell us anything, Penny. You have nothing to explain, or to apologize for.

"No. No, I do. You all deserve to know the truth, about everything," she insisted, and then her eyes were looking over at him, begging, pleading, like Bambi eyes. "And I need you to understand. So, please, just listen."

She was asking for permission, he realized. Her words might have been framed as a demand, but she was really askingthem if they would listen to her. She didn't know if they would actually want to hear what she had to say.

Tony felt his mouth go dry at the thought.

"Alright," he agreed. He wasn't going to deny his daughter anything that was reasonable, and this was. She deserved to have somebody be able to listen to her without fear of repercussion or how they would act due to who she was.

She deserved so much more than that, too.

"You can talk," he continued, ignoring how Natasha sent him a withering glare. "But my back is going to kill me if I sit in this chair much longer. Let's move over to the couches."

Harley snorted, but didn't say anything as they all walked over to where he and the elder two Barton kids had been playing MarioKart. The kid threw himself down onto one of the couches. Matt and Natasha sat on the opposite couch, May next to them, and Tony took one of the two armchairs in the room.

After gazing at them all, tentative, unsure, Penny set the thermos down in the middle of the coffee table before she sat next to Harley. He didn't touch her this time. Her position was crisscross-applesauce, which was fairly open, but she seemed to curl in on herself. Like she was fully expecting them to attack her or something, whether it be with their fists or their words.

This made him feel suddenly uncertain if he should have told her she could talk so soon. He should have probably waited for the night at least, so that she could settle in. Maybe even longer than that. It wasn't like they were in any rush, now that she was home and safe, and most of all here to stay.

But, the words had been said and he wasn't going to take them back. So, giving her the most encouraging expression he could, he waited. They waited.

They didn't have to wait for long. Sucking in a deep breath, Penny closed her eyes. "I don't know where else to start, so I'm just going to start at the beginning. The very beginning," she said, her voice low yet still loud enough for them all to hear. "And, uh, that's when..."

And so she began to talk.

She didn't stop for a long, long time.

Word Count: 3,761

Next Chapter Title: we're no one