I was sitting at the dining table with my cup of tea and some paperwork. Historia asked me to go over a few new proposals she wants to get approved from the other Captains, but came to me first for some advice. Over the past couple of weeks, Historia and I had worked closely on certain projects, such as the orphanage, and she began to trust me a little bit more.

The orphanage was one project that was very close to my heart, so of course I would help Historia try to build one. Levi was also on board because we were both orphans at such a young age and no one was there to help us. It felt like we were giving back to the underground community and that was important to us because that is where we are from. I felt as if I did my mother proud.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard the door open. I looked up and saw Levi close the door behind him. "What do you want?" I asked him.

"I heard about what happened today at training. With that piece of crap." I rolled my eyes as Levi talked about Travis. He walked over the to chair beside me and sat down. He swung his right leg over his left and rested his arm on the back of the chair as he looked at me.

"Aw did you get all overprotective again?" I teased him as I poked his stomach.

"I just thought that he would enjoy being with his own kind." Levi said to me. With one eyebrow raised, I looked at him with a puzzled gaze.

"What the hell does that mean?" With a smirk he said,

"He's cleaning up horse shit." It took a second before the words actually clicked in. Then I pictured Travis falling and landing face first into a pile of horse shit and I began to laugh.

"Oh my! That's the perfect punishment." I told him. Levi shrugged. "You didn't have to do that, Levi."

"You could be more grateful about it." Levi sighed as he grabbed my cup of tea.

"Oh yes, please, have my tea." I sarcastically said.

"I will." He brought the cup to his lips and began to take a sip of the tea before placing it back down on the table. "What're you looking at?" he nodded towards the papers that were in front of me.

"Just some new ideas that Historia wants to bring to your guys' attention." I explained. Levi went to reach for them, but I swatted his hand away.

"You will know what they are when they're ready." I scolded him. Levi sighed in defeat as he leaned back in his chair. It was silent for a few seconds until Levi decided to speak,

"What's on your mind?"

"Huh?"

"I know when you're thinking about something, so tell me." I looked at Levi before looking back down at my hands. He was right – I did have something on my mind. I was playing with this idea the past little while, especially because of all the recent change that's been happening. However, one memory continued to bring me back to reality and how I might not ever receive what I've always dreamt of.

"I was just thinking about that morning…after our night in cabin." I started.

"Okay, what about it?" He asked.

"What you said to me that day…"

The black haired woman stretched out her arms as she began to awake from her slumber. When she felt the cold bed sheet beside her she opened up her eyes to see that Levi was not lying down beside her. As she sat up in bed, she grabbed the bed sheet and pressed it against her bare chest.

"Levi?" She called out his name, but there was no answer. She began to scramble out of bed and pick up her clothes. Once she was fully dressed she walked out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. With a confused look on her face she looked out the window. The sun had begun to rise and the sky began to fill itself with a deep orange across the light blue sky. Ryder took a step outside and looked around the house to find Levi sitting on the ground looking at the mountains. She quietly made her way towards him and sat down beside him. "Why are you out here?"

"I just needed to do some thinking." Levi answered. The black haired boy watched as the world in front of them looked so peaceful. Almost as if all their worries no longer existed in that moment.

Levi always envisioned a life above ground with Ryder, Farlon and Isobel. He always figured that he would watch Isobel and Farlon meet the people they would end up spending the rest of their lives with while he stayed with Ryder. The black haired man could wake up every morning to this life in front of him. He was only missing Farlon and Isobel and Ryder yelling at him to do something around the house. Levi continued to play the previous night in his head as he looked at the sky. The emotions that ran through his veins excited and frightened him. Last night solidified the love that he had for Ryder, but it also sent his heart to the pit of his stomach. Knowing how much love he had for her meant that she could make him vulnerable. It meant that she was now his weakness. It meant that if anything ever happened to her then he wouldn't know how to carry on.

"Ryder…last night…" He could feel her royal blue eyes staring at the side of his head. Levi admitted to himself last night that he was completely in love with Ryder, but he also didn't want to feel the same pain he did when Isobel and Farlon died. Levi wanted to keep her close, but not so close that she could hurt him. He needed to keep her at a distance. He didn't have any other choice.

"What is it?"

"It was a mistake." Those words felt like a spear was rammed through Ryder's chest. She felt like her breastbone was about to cave in and squish her heart.

"W-What?"

"It's just better this way." Ryder sat like a statue as Levi stood up from his spot and began to walk away. The words weren't processing in the black haired woman's head. She believed that what he was saying was false, so she scrambled to her feet and turned to look at Levi's retreating back.

"Why is it better?" She yelled over to him. Levi stopped in his tracks as he heard her voice. He heard her footsteps come closer to him before she stood behind him. "Talk to me. Look at me!" Ryder yelled as she grabbed onto his wrist and spun him around, so she could look at him. Levi avoided her gaze as much as possible because he couldn't look into her eyes that were filled with hurt. "Who's this better for?"

"Everyone." Levi answered. Ryder placed her hands on his cheeks and directed his face to look right at her.

"I know this isn't better for me and I know it isn't better for you. After last night…do you really think you could even say those words? I know you, Levi. I know you so God damn well and you think I'm going to believe you." Levi looked at her and saw that she was pleading with him. She wanted to know what was going through his mind because she just wanted the truth from him.

"You don't understand." Levi took hold of her hands and took them off his face.

"Then tell me."

"You won't understand!" Levi raised his voice. He felt her hands tense up when he yelled. "I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this for us!"

"I don't want this!" Ryder yelled in his face. He saw the tears that began to gather in the corner of her eyes.

"I don't have another choice!" There was silence between the two. As they looked at each other they realized that both of them were hurting. This was a decision that neither of them wanted to make, but neither of them wanted to live this kind of life either. Levi's thumbs caressed the back of Ryder's hands as he looked at them. "We have to forget that last night ever happened. It's for the best." As Levi let go of Ryder's hands – she felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach. He began to walk away from her again, but stopped when she said,

"But I love you." Levi heard her voice crack and he knew that tears were streaming down her face. Every part of him wanted to turn around and wrap his arms around her like he always did when she cried.

"We have to get going." Levi said before he began to walk away. However, Levi didn't know that all the dreams that he had about living with Ryder and having their own house with their own family was also her dreams. That she would stay awake at night thinking about all the stories she wanted to tell their future children. He didn't know that every shooting star that she saw she would make a wish – she would wish that one day her and Levi would have that life.

But Ryder also didn't know that Levi was fighting back tears as he walked away from her because this was one of the hardest decisions he had ever made.

"With everything that's been happening recently I just started to think about 'what if'." I told Levi. He looked at me with those beautiful grey eyes of his and I became slightly nervous. "Like what if we're able to figure this all out and we could finally live normal lives." I felt the smile on my face grow as I looked at him.

"Don't get caught up in those daydreams, Ryder." Levi told me. I grabbed his hands and held them in mine.

"I know it's just a dream, but what if it became reality? We could finally have the life we always wanted. I know you think it's stupid for me to daydream like that, but it's my goal." I explained to him. "I don't know why you said those things to me and then make me feel special just so you could remind me we're not together, but I want you to know that I still have hope."

"You have enough hope for the both of us." Levi teased me. I let go of his hands and turned back to my paperwork in front of me.

"I know I do, but I just want us to be happy." I turned my head and smiled at him. "Whether it's with me or not – that's all I've ever wanted." As I looked back at my paperwork I felt that light of hope in my heart again. "We're just another step closer is all. I'm just getting emotional again."

"It's been you." I looked over at Levi to see that he had his elbows resting on his knees as he cradled his chin in his hands. "It's always been you Ryder, no one else. I just have to make sure you don't do anything crazy." Levi stood up from his seat and began to walk back to the door. "Just know that I said those things to protect us. I never wanted to hurt you." Then he walked out the door while I sat in my chair, stunned.

So next Sunday is Christmas! Are you excited?! Do you celebrate Christmas?! If not...then what do you celebrate? If you don't celebrate anything then what do you do on Christmas day? My best friend and her cousins go watch a movie because they don't celebrate Christmas.

Well since I won't have time to say it next week...HAPPY HOLIDAYS! MAY JOY BE PLACED ONTO YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES!

Also...remember to leave a review...as my early Christmas present ;)