Baby Underoos Chapter 6
"Tony, I'm here, you had better be ready to go because I want to get this over and done with as soon as possible! Then we can chow down on some quality Chinese food and move up next week's movie night, I need some relaxation time!" Rhodey called as the lift doors slid open to admit him to the penthouse of Stark Tower where he was sure to find Tony slobbing out on the couch, avoiding some paperwork Pepper was desperately trying to get him to sign.
In retrospect, he really should have known that he wouldn't be walking into a normal situation. He already knew there was some kind of issue with Peter, so Tony would be more anxious than usual and definitely have taken the day off, regardless of Pepper's arguments to the contrary. Added to this, the man who absolutely hated shopping if it wasn't from an online catalogue or a new sports car, was actually going to visit a physical store to buy items. He should have known that it wouldn't have been any usual scene that greeted him, but he was in no way prepared for what it was he saw when Tony finally stepped out from the kitchen area into his line of sight.
"What the shit Tony." Were the first words to fall from his lips.
Tony gave an exaggerated gasp and clapped a hand over the ear of the toddler, the actual freaking toddler in his arms, and shot him a mock glare.
"No naughty words when there are little ears around Rhodey, what would your mother say."
"She'd be with me on this completely, and too busy asking where the hell you got a kid from to be scolding me for my language. You haven't kidnapped someone's child, have you?" Just thinking of that possibility made his head ache, and he dug a knuckle into his temple as he crossed the room to stand before the man he considered his brother.
"I am so offended on two counts!" The billionaire gave him a cheeky grin, patting the small child on the back when it made a sort of questioning hum at the sudden increase in noise around it. "One that you think I Tony Stark would a, steal a child, I would so be able to make someone part with their child if I asked nicely or wrote them a large enough check. And b" he held up two fingers, "that you haven't recognised said child that we are currently arguing about."
"Recognised? Tony, I don't know any kids under the age of sixteen, and I only know one sixteen-year old, so that's not really saying much."
"And five, four, three, two" with each number Tony folded down the corresponding finger, foregoing the one in favour of pointing meaningfully at his best friend's face. It was with high levels of satisfaction and amusement that he allowed a massive grin to spread across his face as dawning realisation filled Rhodey's.
"Wha… but, no… no… how… what… do I even want to know!" he stammered, eyes shooting from the familiar head of curly brown hair in Tony's arms to the smirking face of his best friend that he dearly wished he could give a firm smack to. "Why is Peter a toddler, HOW is Peter a toddler!"
"I have to admit I don't actually know the answer to that question, Brucie is running the simulations as we speak but until we have the results we are stuck with this little terror."
Tony bounced the toddler in his arms to illustrate his point and drew a delighted peal of laughter from the child who squealed "'gain, 'gain 'Ony!"
The billionaire seemed only too happy to indulge the boy, jiggling him up and down gently while pulling the silliest faces he could muster to make him laugh even harder. It was bizarre to say the least, seeing the notorious playboy acting like a fun uncle, or dare he say it a doting father when the last time he had seen Tony interacting with anyone under the age of ten in the past, it had ended with tears and vomit, a lot of vomit. Speaking of vomit, he knew he would have to step in soon or there would be a repeat of that incident.
"Umm Tones, I would suggest you stop bouncing the kid now."
"But he likes it, don't you Pete" Tony cooed obliviously, getting more delighted giggles and an enthusiastic nod in response, "see."
"Yes I can see that, but I can also see that if you do that for much longer, the kid is going to puke on you."
Just like that Tony's grin faded and he immediately stopped bouncing Peter, his phobia of dirt, and in particular sick, enough to make him listen no questions asked.
"'Ony why stop?" Peter asked, tugging on the collar of his shirt with a pout.
"Sorry Petey but we don't want you getting sick."
"Okay 'Ony," Peter agreed quite easily, but it was with no small amount of sniffling that he laid his head on Tony's shoulder and peered out at Rhodey, small face pink with exertion.
"Right putting aside" he made a big circle with his hands to encompass Tony and his toddler, "all this, I take it the urgent need to go shopping is to get some clothes that will fit the actual child that you are now in possession of?"
"You always were a smart one Rhodey." Tony teased as he faffed around, sliding a pair of sunglasses onto his nose with great difficulty with one hand, and shoving his car keys and mobile into too tight trouser pockets. "So, my ever so astute friend, who is blessed with nieces and nephews for whom he occasionally buys birthday gifts for personally, what shops would you recommend for this little thing?"
"I have a few places in mind, but brace yourself, it's going to be a long afternoon and you are forbidden from uttering a single complaint!" Rhodey warned.