A/N: It took me a little longer than anticipated to update this, but here goes. Thank you so much to those who left reviews, it means a lot. Especially in such a small fandom.
Daughters, chapter 3
Ella has finished drinking and stares intently in the direction of Alice and Mary Beth while Chris holds her on her knees and pats her back, trying to get her to burp. Eventually she succeeds, and Alice, who is still sitting on Mary Beth's lap, erupts into giggles.
"What's so funny?" Mary Beth asks and tickles Alice's sides, making her laugh harder.
"You think that was a good one?" Chris winks at Alice conspiratorially, and Alice nods eagerly. "Yeah, me too," Chris agrees.
Growing up with two older brothers, Alice is no stranger to body noises, and to the brand of humor that goes along with some of them. Naturally, Chris can also appreciate a good burp, and not only because it means that Ella will hopefully not get a bellyache.
The relative ease with which Chris inhabits so many different roles has always fascinated Mary Beth. There is probably nothing Chris wants more than to be 'one of the guys'. But when the mood strikes, she has no trouble getting in touch with her femininity, either. She is working class in her loyalties, yet upper crust in many of her tastes. Her politics are conservative, but her career aspirations make her a pioneer.
"You've got a real gift there, sweet pea." Chris rubs Ella's back, and Ella shrieks excitedly before burping one more time. Only now, some of what she just drank comes back up, too, and spit-up runs down her chin and over Chris's hand.
Alice leans forward for a better look at the situation.
"It's just a little milk, that's okay," Chris explains calmly as she wipes Ella's face and her hand with a burp cloth. "That happens sometimes." She lifts Ella into a more upright position and nuzzles her cheek. "Right? Because you're always so hungry."
Ella is unperturbed and begins to vocalize cheerfully.
"I think she's trying to say 'happy birthday'." Chris waggles her eyebrows at Alice, who loves this, of course.
"I'm four." She shows Chris and Ella two fingers on each of her hands.
"Four already!" Chris gasps. "Did you hear that, Ella? Alice is such a big girl."
"Yes!" Mary Beth can hear the proud smile in Alice's voice as she snuggles back into her embrace.
For all that she used to claim not to be good with kids, Chris sure knows how to talk to them. And she has always known, long before Ella.
Years ago, when they worked the taxicab murder case and Michael ran away from home because Mary Beth lied to him about not driving the cabs anymore and he showed up at Chris's loft late at night, she was the one who said all the right things, who calmed him down and on whose sofa he fell asleep.
Also, the countless child witnesses they have worked with over the years. Especially teenage girls usually take much more easily to Chris. Maybe because they sense that she knows all about the heavy armor many of them carry.
"Yeah, you're my big girl." With a kiss to the back of her head, Mary Beth hugs Alice close. In moments like this, she wants time to stop. If it did, right here, right now, it would be forever Chris and her, the two of them, and their little girls.
Less than six years ago, she wouldn't have dared to hope for a third child. Heck, she couldn't even reasonably assume that she would be around long enough to see her boys grow up. Nothing worse than the idea of Harvey Jr. and Michael having to watch her die.
But here she is. Lucky. So, so lucky. To have found the lump when she did. That Harvey and Chris forced her to face the music. That she got to keep her breast. Lucky that the cancer hasn't returned to finish the job.
Not that she can be sure that it won't. And not that she isn't afraid – every month before she examines herself, every year when she goes for her mammogram, every time she hears a story about somebody's mother, aunt, sister, cousin, wife, friend, neighbor, college roommate.
There isn't much she can do about it, though. The worry has become ambient noise, high-pitched and unnerving on some days, barely above a hum on others.
Yes, getting pregnant less than a year into remission was dangerous, and against the advice of every single one of her doctors. Her own stubborn crusade to let the universe know that Mary Beth Lacey refuses to take no for an answer.
'Joan of Arc lives!', as Detective Dupnik would say.
And indeed, she does. One day at a time. One more thing she and Chris have in common now.
"Mommy! Too tight!" Alice complains and fidgets in Mary Beth's lap, bringing her out of her reverie.
"Sorry, baby. I just love you so much." She presses another kiss to Alice's head and then lets her go.
"Love you too," Alice mumbles as she climbs off the bed. At four years old, she isn't the least bit sentimental. And why would she be – for her, most of life's joys are yet to come.
Right now, it looks like Alice is on a mission: She makes a show of sauntering over to Chris in the rocking chair, all the while looking inquisitively up at Ella, who flails her arms and makes gurgling noises. Then she turns back towards Mary Beth and switches on her brightest grin.
"Ella says she wants cake."
Grinning like that, Alice looks so much like Harvey when he has had a good idea or when he believes that he has gained some new insight into one of his conspiracy theories.
At the sight of her daughter, visibly excited by her little scheme, Mary Beth feels a smile of her own play around the corners of her mouth. "Alice, I don't think Ella wants to have cake. She just ate."
Alice rocks back and forth on the balls of her feet, then shifts her gaze to Chris, clearly trying to enlist her support. Mary Beth's and Chris's eyes meet above Alice's head. No words are needed.
"Your mom is right, Alice. Ella isn't hungry right now." Chris manages to keep a straight face as she pauses for dramatic effect. "But I think she wants you to have her piece of cake. Right? What do you say, Ella?" She rubs Ella's belly, eliciting happy coos.
"Yup, definitely. Mary Beth? Can Alice have some more cake?"
"Mommy, can I?" Alice chimes in, hopeful.
"Well, alright. It's your birthday, so why not. Go downstairs and get Daddy to help you, okay? I think he's out in the yard. Tell him I said you're allowed."
Alice doesn't have to be told twice. She races off into the hallway and down the stairs, shouting at the top of her lungs. "Daddy!"
Without a doubt, Alice is the feistiest of her three children. Both boys were boisterous and playful when they were her age, but not nearly as imaginative and downright sly where little ruses and games were concerned. Maybe it's because Alice is the youngest and has had older role models. Or it's just her nature, Harvey's kooky streak coming through.
"I'm afraid of what she'll come up with when she's older and wants to go to a party or see her boyfriend or something."
"Good luck." Chris raises her eyebrows and adjusts her hold on Ella, turning her around in her arms and cradling her against her shoulder. "Oh, I could tell you stories about when I was living with Charlie." Her voice has that dreamy cadence it always gets when she recalls her glory days. Roaming free all over the city, testing her limits in Catholic school, learning how to play poker – and how to drink.
"How about we save those for another day, huh?"
"Sure." Chris chuckles. "On the way here, we went over the bridge. Do you remember?"
Mary Beth will never think of Queensboro Bridge and not remember.
"Of course. How could I forget that? Watching you hurl yourself in front of a speeding truck while I tried to not to have a baby right then and there."
"Alice Christine has quite the birthday story."
"That's true. And now she's four years old already. How is that even possible? Where does the time go?" She shakes her head furiously. Birthdays put her in such a peculiar mood.
"I guess they do grow up fast."
In Chris's arms, Ella has grabbed the neckline of her mother's blouse with one of her little hands and Chris fumbles to get her to release the fabric. What Mary Beth would give to hold baby Alice like that one more time. Nurse her, inhale her sweet baby scent, rock her to sleep.
"You'll see. Today she's a little baby, and before you know it, she'll be out of the house."
Chris snorts softly. "Shut up. I can't even imagine leaving her with the nanny."
"Yeah. That's hard."
There was never any question as to whether Mary Beth would return to work after Alice's birth. They need the stable income and the benefits, not to mention her pension down the line, so she will put in her twenty years. Still, handing her ten-week-old baby over to Muriel on her first day back was almost physically painful.
Of course, Chris and David don't have to worry about money the same way she and Harvey do. But Mary Beth knows that Chris is aiming for the 1990/91 Lieutenant's Exam. She is still determined to command her own squad in the near future, and to climb further up the ladder from there. The only way to make any of that happen is for her to return to work sooner rather than later.
Chris already surprised everybody at the 14th by deciding to take not only the standard maternity leave, but an additional twelve-week leave of absence. When she returns in March, it will have been almost eight months since she was last out on the street. It's high time for her, at least if one were to ask the brass at One Police Plaza.
The old boys may have to stick to rules and regulations and tick off name after name on promotion lists. But anybody who believes that opportunities for advancement are afforded on the basis of merits alone is kidding themselves. The 'human factor' wields considerable influence, decades-old routines and prejudices don't just disappear overnight.
In the NYPD, having a family is something that men tend to be rewarded for, with slaps on the back and plum assignments, whereas in women it seems to be viewed as a liability: something that makes them weaker and more unreliable cops, when in reality it's pretty much the opposite. At least the way Mary Beth sees it.
Growing three little humans inside of her body and loving her precious, dependent babies was thoroughly humbling. Raising the boys and now Alice, juggling two careers and a household and somehow also managing to stay in love has felt almost impossible more often than not.
But if anything, the challenges have made her more resourceful. Helped her become closely attuned to the needs and motivations of other people, big and small. Have given her nerves of steel. She really can't imagine a world where that would make somebody a worse cop.
Chris was already a superior police officer before the baby. Smart, tough, and ambitious, she didn't rank high on the Sergeant's Exam for nothing. It used to be 'all cop, all the time' with her. But the singular focus that made Chris an effective cop was also her greatest weakness. She could get so hung up on perceived slights and provocations and her own ego and stupid Department politics that she would lose sight of what matters. What is worth risking your health or your life for, and what really isn't.
Maybe the 'distraction' of family life will help her find the equilibrium that has long eluded her. Ironically, it might be just what it takes to put Chris over the top as a professional. Provided the powers that be give her the chance.
"Don't get me wrong, I look forward to coming back," Chris says, stroking Ella's downy red hair. "I really do. And I want her to see me working. You know? Doing what I love. It's just … I guess I didn't think it would be this tough."
"I know how you feel, Sergeant."
Chris smiles and continues to run her fingers through Ella's hair as the little girl slowly falls asleep, her head lolling gently against Chris's shoulder.
"You know what I thought when Alice was born, and I came in to meet her? 'This is as close as you're ever going to get.' Did I ever tell you that? I wasn't sad, or jealous, or anything like that. It was just something that came to my mind."
When Mary Beth thinks back to that evening, she remembers Alice's tiny hands and feet, her bald head, her big blue eyes. How touched Chris was when she revealed Alice Christine's middle name.
Proud and happy and in love with her new baby, it never occurred to her to think about what that moment might have felt like for Chris, who was almost 40 and single at the time, who had always been ambivalent about whether or not she even wanted a family of her own, but who didn't like decisions to be taken out of her hands, either by other people or biology.
"And here you are now."
"Who would have thought, right?"
oooooooooooooooo
The morning of October 24th, 1989 was sunny and unseasonably cold.
Mary Beth had just peeled off her gloves and was about to shrug out of her coat when the phone on her desk rang. She reached for the receiver with one arm still in the sleeve.
"14th squad, Detective Lacey."
"Mary Beth? This is David!"
She could hear in his voice what this phone call was about, and her heart began to beat faster.
"David!"
"She's here, Mary Beth. It's a girl." He sounded beside himself with joy.
She tightened her hold on the receiver and let her other arm slide out of the sleeve. The coat fell to the floor and bunched around her feet, but she didn't care.
A girl.
"Oh, that's wonderful. A girl. Congratulations! Are you at the hospital? How is Chris?"
"She's okay. Exhausted. We've been here since yesterday afternoon, and she finally came this morning. It was … Chris was great."
Mary Beth breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good to hear. I'm glad. And how are you?"
She heard David swallow. "I'm- I just … I'm the luckiest guy, Mary Beth. I'm so happy that they're both alright." Now it sounded like he was about to cry.
Mary Beth felt her chest tighten as well and nodded silently, which of course David couldn't see, so she forced out a simple "Me too."
He cleared his throat. "Come by later today, okay? Chris said to tell you that."
"I'll be there with bells on. Give my love to Chris and to your little girl."
They hung up, and Mary Beth sank onto her chair, her thoughts still with the new parents.
Her memories of the first moments after Alice's birth were a blur, a collection of images and sensations. The sense of utter peace that overcame her as soon as everything was over. The weight of Alice's warm, slippery body. Harvey's face next to hers as they took in the sight of their brand-new daughter.
Then she caught Victor's eye across the room and snapped back to the here and now.
"The baby?" he asked.
Mary Beth nodded and wiped her eyes. "It's a girl."
"Alright!" Victor punched the air. "And they're okay?"
His level of concern was endearing, really. And it was more than the friendly interest of a colleague, too. Victor was waiting for his own first child to be born, with Ginger's due date a mere three weeks after Chris's.
At first, Chris had been annoyed at how excited and nosy Victor was. But then they learned why, and she came around and began to indulge him – up to a certain point at least. She drew a hard line at questions about her plans for the birth, or whether she wanted to breastfeed.
Mary Beth nodded again. "I'm going to see them this afternoon."
Victor leaned back in his chair with a smile. "Say hi from me and Ginger, and congratulations."
"I will."
"And bring the numbers!"
Before she could say anything, Coleman's voice boomed from behind her. Apparently, the morning briefing in Lieutenant Samuels's office was finished. "Did I hear something about a new baby?"
"Cagney had a girl," Victor said.
"Well, I'll be damned." A satisfied smile spread across Coleman's face as he walked past Mary Beth's desk and stood next to Victor's.
Of course, Coleman had started taking bets for the requisite quinella as soon as it had become public knowledge that a Cagney baby was on the way, and everybody had picked their jaws up off the floor.
"Are you going to see the happy family?" Coleman asked, inclining his head in Mary Beth's direction.
"Sergeant Coleman, I don't-" Even though it was not about her child this time, Mary Beth still found it in poor taste to bet on pregnancy and babies. It felt like tempting fate and she refused to aid and abet such practices in any way.
"Come on," Victor said. "It's all in good fun. Look at it as a celebration."
"And an opportunity to make money." Mary Beth shot back, fixing her gaze on Coleman, who raised his hands innocently.
"Hey, I'm just giving the people what they want. It's not like Cagney didn't go in on Isbecki's kid."
That was true.
Chris and Victor were both extremely competitive, and seeing as the other person's baby quinella was the only one that they were permitted to take part in, they had started to try and wheedle relevant information out of each other. In particular, they got creative trying to come up with trick questions to get the other person to reveal their baby's sex. But as far as Mary Beth knew, neither one of them had ever let anything slip.
And who cared, really. Boy, girl – as long as everybody was happy and healthy. That was the most important thing.