HYDEN

Silence is both oddly comforting and ridiculously isolating.

On one hand, if I kept my mind silent, I couldn't hear the thoughts in my brain. It was nice to have a quiet mind, even if only for moments at a time. I didn't have to bother feeling sad then.

But around me, the silence was painful. I want to say what was one my mind, what was bringing my mood down, but it was the same old story. I was worried about Launa, worried that she wouldn't get better, worried that it was my fault she was in there, that I should have ripped the package away from her the moment I saw something wrong, that I had been a coward for not confronting her, that she could be the second victim of my incompetence. Same old worries and fears.

I didn't feel like eating. I stared at the eggs on my plate, knowing I should eat them, especially since I had skipped dinner last night, but I couldn't. I felt as if I would throw them up the second I forced them down my throat. I just wanted something to do while I passed the time to see if Colin would send a letter. I needed incentive to be engaged today, and seeing Launa might help.

I sighed. Did I really want to see her? Every time I did, I couldn't sleep for a good two nights afterwards. Seeing her in that... coma, or whatever, was haunting. I couldn't get the image of her blank face out of my head. The pale, unsmiling, almost pained expression was so different from the sweet, mischievous and honey-coloured face that I was used to. And it was draining me, going to see her in this state, but I couldn't keep away. I had to see her. To make sure she… wasn't dead.

I jumped when an envelope fell in my eggs. Hermione looked up from her Ancient Runes book and wrinkled her nose. "Ugh, poor aim this morning," she commented, closing the book and receiving her copy of The Daily Prophet from the owl that brought it to her.

Hyden,

Today's good. Already cleared it with McGonagall and Dumbledore. Meet you at the front gates at eleven.

Colin

"Who's it from?" Hermione asked, the line forming between her eyebrows.

"Colin," I said, crumpling the letter and egg-dampened envelope and stuffing them in my pocket.

Hermione made that face, the one that's slightly disapproving, "I-don't-think-you-should-be-doing-this," and worried. "Hyden, I... I hope you know what you're doing."

"Hermione."

"You're just so torn up every time you come back, and—"

"I just… I have to go." I could feel emotion rising in me, and I felt helpless in my lack of words. "I… I don't know how to explain it."

"Try, please. I just want to help." Hermione was pleading with me now.

I glanced around, feeling incredibly awkward. "I… not here. Please."

"Okay. Will you talk to me when you get back?"

"If you want me to."

"I do."

I left for the library, wanting to wait there until eleven. I took a deep breath. It smelled like old parchment and ink, sounded like rustling pages and the coughing and whispers of students. Or maybe that was the books whispering. I had heard stories from Jennifer that certain books would talk to you. I looked around. Pince was lurking in the bookshelf aisles, making sure every book was perfectly straight and in order. A group of fourth years were at a table off to my right, giggling and pretending to be engrossed in their essays. I smiled slightly at the intercom speaker that was still stuck to the wall. They were still all over the school, but I especially appreciated the ones in the library. They drove Pince mad.

I found a corner to sit in and think before it was time to slough through the snow down to the gates to meet Colin. Did I want to talk to Hermione? What did I even say? 'Hey Hermione, I've just been down because I'm a piece of shit and the girl I like, who is my best friend, is in the hospital. Everyone I love has been dropping like flies, and I can't do anything about it. I hate myself for it. Thanks, goodnight.'

That sounded so stupid, even if it was true. I bet it would sound stupider if it ever came out of my mouth. Maybe I should figure out something else to say. If I told Hermione any of this, in all honesty, she might freak out. And I didn't need that.

At half past ten, I swung my cloak over my shoulders and left for the grounds. At least it wasn't snowing, but it was nearly knee-deep and I had to use my wand to melt a path. My trainers were soaked by the time I made it to the front gates, and I was freezing. Colin was waiting for me at the gates, his dark blue cloak fluttering in the slight wind and his dark brown hair, which had at one point been tidy, was now in disarray.

"Right on time," Colin said, opening the gates for me and resealing them with a few waves of his wand. He studied me for a moment, his blue eyes taking me in. "You ready?"

"Yeah."

He offered me his arm and turned on the spot.

When I opened my eyes, we were in an alleyway just off of where the building for St. Mungo's was. I followed Colin down the street and to outside the mannequin. "We're here to see Launa Lupin," Colin told it, and we walked through the cool glass and into the lobby. It was a quiet day, no one bustling about, just a wizard with an arm that was a tree branch and a witch with two little girls who were covered in blue boils. We started up the stairs to Launa's ward. We hardly needed to bother checking in at the front desk anymore.

Sarlanda was inside, as usual. She was just tipping the contents of a golden potion into Launa's mouth when we entered. She looked up when she had finished, her expression blank. "Can't say I'm surprised to see you. She's getting better, I promise. This potion's really been helping." She was right. A little bit of Launa's complexion was coming back - she didn't look like she was on her death-bed, at least. I felt a jolt in my stomach. I didn't want to get my hopes up too high, but maybe she would make it out of this one.

"Let's leave him," Colin muttered, and Sarlanda followed him out of the ward.

I stared at her in silence for almost a minute before I could get my muscles to work. I pulled up a chair and practically fell into it, running my hands through my dark hair. When I finally said something, my voice broke. "Launa, I... well, you look a little better." This was stupid. She couldn't hear me. Why did I keep doing this? "I know... I know I probably look crazy. But I miss you." I pulled out my wand and waved it over the ugly vase on her dresser. It turned taller, thinner and whiter, and filled with cheerful flowers. "There, I hope you like those. I know how you like daisies."

I stuffed my wand away and carefully reached over to take her hand. It was cold in mine, like she was dead. But Launa was the only people who I could trust completely with my thoughts, whether she could hear them or not, so I let it spill. "School is terrible. I had to take over your spot on the Quidditch team, which, you know me, isn't the best idea. And Potions... well, Harry is Slughorn's favorite, but it's all because of that book. I bet you'd be his favorite if you... if you were there." I could feel myself choking up, my eyes watering, but I refused to cry. "DADA is murder, though. Snape is such a... what would you call him... dung eater. Troll dung eater."

I kind of chuckled, imagining how Launa would say that, how her eyebrows would scrunch up and a bit of light brown hair would get stuck to her lips when she went on and on about how she hated Snape. I rubbed my thumb on the back of her hand, trying to heat it up a little. "I just… my grades are slipping. I can't focus on anything, and I don't want to do my homework, because what's the point? I couldn't even… couldn't even save you." I squeezed my eyes shut because the tears were coming. "I... no. You're not going to die. I won't let you. I'll do anything, anything if you'll just get better. And whoever did this to you is going to have hell to pay." With a final squeeze, I let go of her hand. When I opened my eyes again, my vision was a little blurred by the tears. I caught them on my fingertips before they could fall down my cheeks. I couldn't cry. No one needed the burden of that.

I left her ward when I had recollected myself. Colin and Sarlanda were just down the hall, chatting quietly. "All good?" Sarlanda asked as I approached them.

"Yes," I responded. "I left her some flowers, too."

"Good." She turned her attention back to Colin. "I've got to get back to work. The final potion that should do the trick is only two months away from being finished."

"Only?"

"Yes. It's a tricky brew," Sarlanda replied shortly. "Be careful." And then she was gone, her long hair swishing behind her, contrasted sharply by her lime green Healer robes.

"Right then," I said after a few moments. "I should be getting back to school."

"If... if you want to," Colin said, and we started for the exit. Out on the street, he was about to Apparate us back to Hogwarts when he said, "You know what? Let's take a detour."

"To where?"

"A surprise."

"I don't like surprises," I said in a surly voice, but he ignored me and started walking, leaving me with no choice but to follow. I wondered vaguely where we were going, but than I decided that I didn't care. There was no where I wanted to be, nothing I wanted to do at school. And the sooner I got back, the sooner Hermione would want to talk to me, and I was dreading that more than anything.

We ended up walking the streets of London and right into an ice cream parlor. "What do you want?" Colin asked, pulling out some Muggle money from his pocket. "Everything here is good."

"I..." I wanted to say, "I don't want anything," but then I figured he would just argue with me, so I checked the menu and said, "Cookie dough, I guess."

"Okay, so we need a chocolate and cookie dough," he told the man behind the counter. Colin paid, got the ice creams, and we sat down. It was sweet and tasted surprisingly good. We didn't talk at first, but I could sense Colin watching me. I ate slowly, trying to savor the one thing that had tasted good in weeks.

"Feel better?" Colin asked as I started munching on the cone itself.

"A bit."

"Good," he said, smiling a bit. "I come here when I'm feeling down in the dumps." We were quite for a few more moments. "Launa looks better, don't you think?"

"Yeah."

Colin examined me like he was trying to figure out what to say. "You know… none of it is your fault. If you had grabbed that package from her, it might be you lying in that bed right now."

"That would be preferable," I muttered. "I deserve it."

Colin seemed a bit surprised at my words, and I was too. "Really? You think that?"

I glanced around, and decided that if I talked fast, maybe I could avoid having the breakdown that had been building all day. "It's my fault Dad is dead."

Colin shook his head. "Mate, that's no one's fault but Bellatrix. All you can do is try harder, fight another day."

"I… I guess." I took a moment to unstick my throat. "I just… I feel so terrible. Everything's falling apart, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything about it."

"You are. It's just hard." Colin crumpled up his used napkin. "Look, I know you've been upset, and feeling like rubbish. You've just gotta talk to someone. Someone who can answer you. Me, or Jennifer, or… well, someone. It helps a lot. Trust me." When I gave him a confused look, he added, "I've been there."

Maybe it was time to start trying. "I feel… worthless. Because I can't… protect people."

"You're not worthless, and you are protecting people," Colin immediately countered. "Do you think Launa would be alive without you? I'm willing to be no. Trust me, mate, you gotta just believe in yourself. It's hard, really hard, but you've got to if you want to keep protecting people."

"Yeah. You're… you're right," I admitted, a small sense of relief washing over me. The first I'd felt in a month. "Thanks."

"Any time. Listen, just write me, and any time you want to talk, I'll be there. Deal?"

"Deal."

We left for Hogwarts, and I felt a semblance of hope. It was weak, but if I could just manage to hold on to the feeling, maybe I would start to feel better, too. I'd need to, for when Launa woke up.

Happy Monday lovely readers!

We are finally caught up with the edits, and starting next week, there will be single chapter updates of new material! Woo!

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