JENNIFER

Time had floated away from me, and it was already mid-December. It's been nearly a month since Launa was admitted to the hospital, since Cedric and I had danced clumsily around the living room, since I had even one quiet moment to myself.

Cedric and I have both been working ourselves into the ground. More than five hours of sleep was a miracle. I spent more time at Hogwarts, patrolling and escorting, than I spent at my own flat. Cedric was by far off worse. The circles under his eyes were becoming darker, his appearance more disheveled as he slept at more and more irregular times. He had to drop a lot of his Dementor patrols, but since that was basically now his job at the Ministry, no one seemed to mind. And if anyone could hold up under all this stress, it would be Cedric. He's so impressively strong, stronger than I could ever hope to be.

But it all seemed to be for nothing.

Every day, Voldemort's forces grew stronger. Every day, ours grew weaker. The shadows looming over the world and under our eyes grew darker, and nothing we ever did helped to lighten them. It was enough to drive anyone insane.

"What is the point of all this?"

The kitchen went silent. I buried my hands into my hair, staring at my plate of half-eaten eggs. "I mean, what are we actually doing here?"

A plate connected with the counter gently and a chair dragged slightly across the floor as Cedric sat down across from me. "You know why we're doing this. We have to take down V—You Know Who any way we can."

"Well, we're doing a bang-up job of that, aren't we?"

He sighed. "No one said it was going to be easy—"

"I knew it wouldn't!" I snapped. "But we aren't doing anything!"

Cedric was quiet for a moment. "You know that Harry is the only one who can defeat him. And don't ever say we aren't doing anything, because we are."

"Like what? The more Dementors we fight, the more just… appear. And what the hell is the point of all this wasted energy adding even more protection to Hogwarts when it's basically a stronghold? We should be out there, right now, hunting him down, hunting Death Eaters!"

"It's too dangerous." I looked up at him and his eyes were far too kind and reassuring than I ever deserved. "Besides, we're doing what we can. It's not like any one expects the war to be won instantly. We know it's going to take time, and when the moment is right, Harry will take him down. We just have to hold him off long enough for that to happen."

I sighed, burying my face in my hands. It was pointless to argue with him, but I did anyways, though in a more muted and hopeless tone. "I can't stand it, Cedric. Waiting around and being useless. I'm going mad."

A warm hand was on my back as lips brushed my ear. "Jen, I know it's hard, but we just have to keep ourselves prepared for the right time. I know you believe in Harry, and I know that when the time is right, you'll be right next to him leading the charge against Voldemort. But it's not today." I opened my mouth to argue again and was instead halted by a kiss. "I have to go, but talk to me next time you feel like this. I love you, and I hate seeing you losing hope."

I swallowed back stupid, stupid tears. "Th-thanks. I love you too."

And with another quick kiss, he was gone, and I was free to let my emotions run rampant down my face.

Towering arches of white stone reflected the copious amounts of sunlight shining in from the skylights. The sound of the trickling fountain and the scent of fresh pastries filled the air around me in my peaceful rest. I adjusted my hands under my head and turned to see Lance sitting beside me where I lay in the grass, an apple crunching under his teeth.

"I love it here," I commented quietly, watching a bird flit into the structure and back out again. "Open air markets are so cool."

"It was your idea," Lance replied in between bites of fruit. "After all, you designed the whole place, remember?"

I frowned slightly. "Yeah." My voice was uncertain as I tried to recall designing anything, let alone an entire city, but failing to do so.

"What, you don't believe me?" he asked, bemused.

"I just… I don't—"

"You spent ages on this thing, after the Library, of course," he elaborated, prompting my memory. "Took you forever to figure out how to get the grass to grow inside."

Suddenly, images and feelings flooded me, and of course I remembered. "Right. It was fun though," I agreed.

He tossed the apple core aside and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his light green robe. "Now," he started, relaxing down on his elbow so his face was closer to mine, "What should we do today?"

"I don't know."

"We could do what we always do," he suggested. "You know. Read some books. Explore. Make love."

I felt pressure lifting from my chest, and unknown stress leaving my body. "Okay. That sounds good."

No worries. No problems. Just myself, Lance, a good book, and a soft bed.

Waking to the dreary grey of our bedroom at one in the morning as a noisy vehicle roared down the street was extremely disappointing.

I rolled over in the cold bed, my concern for Cedric's whereabouts gone weeks ago. It was only after twenty-four hours of absence that I started to worry. No, I was concerned more about that dream.

There it was again, Lance and his white city, where no one was dead and everything was perfect. And no matter how much I denied it, no matter how much I knew it wasn't true and that I detested Lance and anything to do with him… there was a small, tiny part of me that wished it was all real. Or that it could be real. Or that whatever terrible, dark hole of life I was trapped in now would fade out of existence and I could escape into the city, never to return.

Escape. That sounded nice.

'Don't you bloody start talking that,' I scolded myself. 'That's absolutely no road you need to be going down, and besides, it's just what Lance wants. You've just got to do what Cedric said and pull yourself together. Do that, and you can do anything, right?'

"Right," I muttered to myself out loud. Self-motivated pep-talks had been occurring rather frequently, and I wasn't exactly sure if this was a good thing or a sign that I was actually losing my mind.

Regardless, I rolled over and shut my eyes, my mind foggily trying to think about books I could snitch from the store tomorrow. All I needed was something new to focus on. And maybe putting more effort into learning how to block these dreams wouldn't hurt. Sarlanda was right. If my Occlumency wasn't so miserable, maybe these dreams wouldn't be happening. I finally drifted back to sleep, only woken briefly by Cedric coming in just after five in the morning.

"Mr. Blotts?"

I opened the door to a dark Flourish and Blotts, and waved my wand to get some light in the place. My heart rate was steadily increasing as I pictured the worst, unsure of what I might or might not find in the shop. I crept through the shop, keeping close to the shelves, checking all the corners, before I finally made it to the back counter where a note was placed on top of the shining dark wood.

Miss Potter,

Business has called me away for the day. A seller in Ireland is being difficult, and I must deal with him in person. Please complete the following tasks before tomorrow. Apologies for the short notice.

Mr. Blotts

I rolled my eyes and started reading through the list of tasks. Restocking the defense section, cleaning up Transfiguration, cataloging a new shipment of books from Egypt, cleaning the back office, relabeling the discount section, adding books from the Muggle studies section to the discount section… the list went on. Apparently, I had now been delegated to miracle worker, because I had no idea how he expected all of this to be done in just one workday. I rolled my eyes and dug the radio out from under the counter, switched it on, and prepared for a very, very long day.

I started by taking all the new books out of the back room and set them in their appropriate sections, and then cleaned out the room. I was still not the absolute best at cleaning charms, so this took longer than I wanted, and I ended up doing the sweeping myself because I couldn't quite control the broom. I then worked on the defense section, taking my sweet time and setting some interesting books aside for myself. Transfiguration was next, and I was almost finished when a middle-aged couple looking for some potions books interrupted me. I obliged in helping them, sent them on their way, and continued cleaning. I made it almost all the way through fixing up discount when some more customers came in to browse. I made myself look productive while they walked around, flipping through random books without much of a purpose. With how few people bought books outside of the school supplies season, I had to wonder just how Blotts afforded all these new books. Maybe he only really ordered new stuff after September and he had a huge chunk of money from out of the pockets of Hogwarts parents. Some of those Egyptian books looked rather pricey, with gold lettering on the rich leather covers, and the one I flipped through was written entirely in hieroglyphs. Maybe someone had ordered it.

My day wore on slowly, and at five o'clock, I locked the shop so I could fix the potions section that had been left in shambles by some customers in at around two. I had just finished when there was a knock on the glass door.

"Sorry, we're closed," I said, waving my hand at the door without even bothering to look and see who it was. They could just come back tomorrow.

"I have a shipment I need to pick up today," said a very sharp voice. I frowned and looked up to see Narcissa Malfoy standing at the door, face contorted into a look of displeasure, pale blonde hair pulled back into an elegant up-do. God damn it, of course it just had to be her who demanded to be let in after hours. We were closed, after all. Mr. Blotts wasn't here, so she couldn't complain to him right now. But of course, with their money and all… I bet it was an expensive order. Blotts would be furious if he lost the Malfoy's business.

"Are you going to open this door, Miss Potter, or do I need to speak to Mr. Blotts?" she asked, her tone freezing.

"Yeah, you can get your order," I said, setting the last potions book in its place and waving my wand to unlock the door. She strode in, and I met her at the counter. We were quiet for a moment, eyes locked in a battle of wills. I wanted to fidget so badly, but I refused to even give her an inkling that I was uncomfortable.

"Well? Where are they?" she asked, and I felt that maybe, just maybe, she was uncomfortable, too.

"I don't know what you ordered. Mr. Blotts failed to mention that you would be buy to get some books today in his instructions." Her eyebrows raised. "He's gone today. Business."

"Well, I guess you're lucky I brought the list then, Miss Potter." She produced a small piece of parchment with writing on it so small and neat that I had to squint a little to read it. "And make it quick, I have other business to attend to today."

"Right away, Mrs. Malfoy," I responded, trying to keep my voice chipper as I walked away to fetch her books. Once I had deciphered her writing, I came back with the stack of Egyptian books that I had cataloged earlier and one book on advanced curse breaking. I set them on the counter and started calculating her total. "That'll be twenty-eight Galleons and three Sickles, please."

She placed the coins on the counter without comment while I wrapped her purchase, secretly wishing that I had read more of the Egyptian ones while I had the chance. I just wanted to know what she was up to.

"Have a pleasant day, Mrs. Malfoy," I said as I handed her the stack of books. There was a moment when she paused, either confused by my words or possibly considering returning the sentiment, but then the moment passed and she swept herself from the shop. The second she was out of sight, I stuffed her list inside of the defense book I was going to take home tonight, locked the door again with some protective enchantments, and walking to the Leaky Cauldron. Outside in the London alley, I turned on the spot and Apparated home.

I opened the door to my flat to find Cedric sitting at the kitchen table with two bowls of soup and two plates of salad accompanying them. He looked up and smiled, relieved, before hugging me.

"You're late," he commented, his nose buried in my hair.

"Blame Narcissa Malfoy," I said, holding him tight. "She decided to pick up an order ten minutes after I had closed up shop."

He released me, locked the door, and led me back to the table.

"Did you… make dinner?" I asked, a little shocked.

"Yeah, but… it's um, cold now," he replied, cheeks reddening in disappointment.

I grabbed his face and kissed him. "Not a problem." With a wave of my wand, the bowls of soup were steaming hot again, and we sat down to eat.

"But… how? And I guess, why?" I asked, digging in to my salad.

"I had the day off. And this is our first night in a long time that we are both home, so I… wanted to surprise you after work."

I laughed. "Cedric, I think you are the possibly the sweetest man in existence."

He grinned a little sheepishly. "Well now, I dunno about in existence, but maybe in the scope of people you know."

"Modest as always."

We were quiet for a moment as we ate. I slurped down the soup greedily, hungry from not eating a lot at lunch.

"So, Narcissa Malfoy, huh? What did she want?" Cedric asked, setting aside his empty salad plate.

"Picked up some order of books. Really fancy stuff from Egypt, and then some thing on curse breaking." I took a long drink of water. "Like, one of these books had gold lettering and was filled with just hieroglyphs. No idea what that was about. I kept her shopping list though to satisfy my own curiosity."

"Maybe she and Lucius are planning a family vacation," Cedric joked.

I snorted. "Yeah, Malfoy family trip to Egypt to go rob some tombs. Maybe that's how they got so rich."

"Wouldn't put it past them."

"Me neither."

Cedric somehow finished eating before me, and stood up to wash his dishes. I made it almost all the way through my bowl of soup before I had to set my spoon down and hold my head.

"What's wrong?" Cedric's hand was on my back, rubbing it in circles.

"I just… I have a lot on my mind." I sighed heavily before deciding to spill everything in my head. He had said to tell him whatever was going on in my mind. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry we haven't been able to spend time together, that I've been at your throat, that I'm so tired all the time and you are too, and that it's taking a toll on us as people and on our relationship. I'm sorry I've been so pent up angry, and scared, and everything is just stupid. I miss school, I miss how easy everything was then, I hate being an adult, oh, and I also was just left alone at the shop today with a bunch of crap to do and I'm surprised I managed to do it all and oh my god! Your birthday is so soon and I haven't even thought about it." My meltdown of tears dripped down into my soup, and I pushed it away so I could just lay my head in my arms. Maybe if Cedric didn't actually see my tears he wouldn't think I was a total loser.

"Hey, it's okay." Cedric knelt down beside me and pulled me into his arms, fingers running gently through my hair. "Jen, it's alright. Seriously." He let me cry into him for a little while before he said anything. "While I appreciate the apology, you don't need to be sorry for much anything. I'm sorry too that we don't get to see enough of each other. I wish… yeah, I wish it was easier. I really do. And I miss school, too. I miss the castle, I miss classes, I miss just sitting in the library with you, reading, and playing Quidditch, and whole long list of things." He paused to kiss my head and rub my shaking shoulders. "Being an adult is shit."

I managed to laugh weakly at his language. "Never thought I'd see the day when you were cussing up a storm."

"I could do it more often if it'll make you laugh," he offered, kissing my head again. "But seriously. It's okay to be scared, even though I know you don't want people to know you are. But I'm terrified too, if that makes you feel better."

"I guess," I sniffled, rubbing at my face. "I just… you know me. I can't be weak."

"You are allowed to be."

"I don't want to be, though."

"Crying doesn't make you weak. Neither do having emotions, or being scared, or worried, or anything like that."

"What does make you weak, then?" I asked, looking at him.

"Hmm." Cedric's eyebrows scrunched up as he thought. "I guess… it's sort of a combination of giving up and not trying. Like, if you know you can do something, but you don't because you're lazy, or you kind of try, but don't have your heart in it. It's all subjective, of course, but that's what I would think." I just nodded, eyes bleary, wishing that I wasn't fucking crying right now. "Come on, let's get to bed. We both need it."

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