More warnings for topics of depression, anxiety, etc.

JENNIFER

I waited in the shadows against a building at the intersection we had agreed to meet at. Ophilia was running late, but that was typical. I was in no rush to see her. My anxiety told me to leave, but the sensible part of me made me stay. She hadn't said anything about my (break up) living situation in her letter, and it would be better than patrolling with Jared. That had been a nightmare for my nerves.

I came because I felt so overwhelmingly guilty for not talking to her or Sarlanda. My problems were so tiny compared to the real threats that we were facing that I didn't see a reason to bother them with it. Sarlanda was sure to be beyond busy and exhausted. Ophilia was probably a good resource to talk to about this sort of thing, but I didn't want to cry. Talking about it was going to unleash some storm of emotions that I knew I wouldn't be able to keep in check.

I had no idea how this patrol was going to go.

With a quiet woosh and a pop, Ophilia appeared just on the other side of the streetlamp. She was wearing a dark blue cloak, and her untamed pixie cut stuck up at odd angles. I came out of the shadows and she spotted me, pulling me into a tight hug. She doesn't say anything for a moment, and I feel so much relief in this hug.

"I've missed you," she finally said, looking up at me.

"I've missed you, too," I replied, and we pull apart. I feel somewhat better, like maybe this evening won't be too bad.

"Let's get to it, shall we?" Ophilia was far too chipper for someone out past eleven on patrol for Dementors and Inferi.

"Right."

We walked quietly for some time, winding our way through dark streets and between tall houses, listening for any sign of trouble.

"How… how have you been?" I asked, perhaps to prevent her from asking me first.

"Oof. Busy. We don't get a lot of in-shop customers, but the mail orders have been a bit ridiculous. A good chunk of them are Hogwarts students, and the Defense items have been selling out so quickly. We've had orders come in from across the Channel too. It's been a bit mad. And of course, the Twins are cooking up more inventions. It just takes a lot of time for testing and such, but you know that."

"That's good though, that you've had such good business."

"Yeah, I'm not denying that. It's just a lot of work for only three people."

We rounded another corner and began following the road along the river.

"Um, what about you?"

I shrugged.

"I heard you and Cedric… had a, um, a fight."

"We broke up."

I tried to keep my voice as neutral as possible. I could see the sad eyes she was giving me. I couldn't talk about this, not while we were supposed to be working.

"Oh, Jen, I'm so sorry—"

"It's okay."

"Do you… do you want to talk about it?"

I sighed. "No."

"Oh… okay." She bit her lip. "Just, um, well, I'm here for you. When you're ready."

"Thanks, Ophilia."

We were fast approaching a bridge. I shivered, a cold wind biting at my face. It was March, why was it this cold?

"So, um, anything new on the front from Dumbledore and Harry?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, relieved for the subject change. "He's been showing us memories of Voldemort's past, right? And I've been wondering about how Slughorn comes into all of this… well, I was right. He did teach Tom Riddle when he was at Hogwarts. A week or two ago, he showed us this memory Slughorn had handed over. Riddle was asking about Horcruxes, and Slughorn blew him off…" I frowned. "But it was weird. The memory had obviously been tampered with."

"So Dumbledore wanted him back at Hogwarts so he could get the real memory," Ophilia said.

"Right. And Harry's got to coax him out of it."

"So what's been the point of you being around Slughorn?" she asked.

"Guilt-tripping him is my best guess. My mum was his favorite student, so I imagine my appearance causes him to have a lot of flashbacks."

"Hmm." We had passed the bridge. "Horcruxes though? I haven't got a clue what they are."

"Me neither. I'm guessing since we never learned about them, they must be some sort of really dark magic. Dumbledore said he'd explain when Harry got the memory."

"Have you looked through the books at Flourish and Blotts?" she asked, a tad too hopeful.

"Yeah. We don't stock anything about dark magic, and I'm rather hesitant to go down Knockturn Alley. The only place I can think of would have something like that would be the Restricted Section of the Hogwarts library. Tom mentioned that he found a book there, anyways. But it would be impossible for me or really anyone else to get a hold of if it's that bad."

We were quiet as I processed my own thoughts, trying to remember if some professor, maybe Imposter Moody, had told us about Horcruxes. What the hell could they possibly be? It must have something to do with how Voldemort had survived that night, how he had managed to come back…

Next to me, Ophilia froze. I stopped too, and suddenly realized how cold I was. It was the kind of cold that went to your bones, a cold very familiar to me. I gripped my wand tight, looking around for the source of the cold.

Down a pitch-black alley, I could just make out something (somethings?) gliding towards us. I started panicking. How many Dementors were there? Could just Ophilia and I take them? Were there more to come?

I heard Ophilia yelling the incantation, so I tried to focus so I could do the same. I tried to think of something happy, but every memory I thought of was tainted or didn't seem strong enough. I tried to think of the day so many years ago when I met Harry in Diagon Alley, but the image was swimming in my mind.

"Expecto Patronum!" I cried, aiming for the Dementor that Ophilia's charm hadn't managed to ward off, but only a weak, silver shield appeared between myself and the coldness. My hand shook. This had never happened before. I had always been able to conjure a Patronus.

"Expecto… Patronum…" My vision swam as my throat closed up. I saw a dead, scabbed hand reach for me, and then everything went black, voices screaming in my head.

"Sar, she's been out for so long. Is this normal?"

"I have no idea."

Sniffling. "God, if she doesn't wake up…"

"She just fainted. It's happened before."

"Yeah, but… Sar, it almost had her, it took everything I had to make that second Patronus."

"But you did. And she's here. So we just wait for her to wake up."

My eyelids were so heavy. I had no idea where I was, other than Sarlanda and Ophilia were here. I let out a grunt to let them know I was awake. My knees and head hurt, but that was no comparison to how it felt inside. Shame was flooding me. I nearly had my soul sucked out because I was too fucking miserable to conjure a Patronus.

"Oh my god. Jennifer! You're awake!" Ophilia is hugging me, tears dropping onto my face, and I groan in pain. "Sorry, I just… I was so worried…"

I finally managed to open my eyes a bit. Ophilia's chocolate brown eyes were hovering above me, red rimmed and still crying. She backed off a bit, and I saw Sarlanda in her lime green Healer robes. We must be at St. Mungo's.

"Here, eat this," Sarlanda ordered, putting a small piece of chocolate in my mouth. I let it melt in my mouth, and I felt a little warmer. A little less like shit. I managed to sit up, Ophilia arranging the pillows behind me so I would be comfortable. I sat there for a moment, my eyes on my hands, knowing that they were both looking to me for some kind of explanation.

"I'm sorry," I finally said, and I felt the shitstorm of tears building behind my eyes until I was bawling, hardly able to say anything properly. "I'm so fucking useless, I couldn't even make a Patronus, I couldn't think of anything happy, I'm losing my goddamn mind, I see him everywhere, he's been going to my work and I have to hide in the back like a coward because I don't know how to deal with him and I can't sleep and I think my hair's falling out and I can't eat because my stomach always hurts and I'm letting everyone down and I just want it to end!" I was howling by the end, sobbing into Ophilia's shoulder when she put an arm around me. She just sat there, holding my trembling body.

"Jen, it's okay. I promise you're not weak, or useless, or anything like that—"

"B-but I am, I've been so fucking useless—"

"You're depressed," she said firmly. "This is your anxiety talking. This is Lance talking, not you. You're none of these things." I tried to protest, but she just shushed me. "You're so important. To me, to Sarlanda. To Harry. You're strong, and you're wonderful, and… you're my best friend." Her voice cracked a little. "I can't loose you. We need you. And it's okay to not be strong all the time. You're allowed to feel sad and overwhelmed. I think all of us do. But… I can't loose you." Ophilia's shirt was wet from my tears. My breaths were shudders.

"I've just… I hate feeling this way," I concluding, and I accepted another square of chocolate from Sarlanda. I felt a little warmer, my shaking body a little more manageable.

"Lance messed with your brain, and that's not your fault," Sarlanda said, frowning. "I can't even imagine what you're feeling, but you can't let him win."

"I'm trying," I cried out. "But I don't think I can do it, he's so strong, and he's just chipping away everyone around me until I'm alone—"

"Shh, Jen, I know you're trying." Ophilia shifted so she could hold me tighter. "This is how he wants you to feel. God, I hate him." She has so much venom in her voice I had to chuckle. "He's disgusting. But you're better than him."

There was a knock on the door, and Sarlanda left to see who it was.

"Jen, you just… you need to be talking to someone about how you're feeling. Me, Sarlanda, whoever you feel most comfortable with. You can't keep these feelings bottled up."

"My p-problems are so stupid—"

"No they're not." Ophilia gave me a stern look. "Heartbreak is not stupid. Being stalked is not stupid. Wanting to hurt yourself is not stupid."

"Ophilia? Er, I need you out here," Sarlanda's voice said through the door.

Ophilia gave me another hug before she let go, putting the rest of the chocolate in my hands. "You're great. Remember that. And please come talk to me. I hate seeing you like this."

Ophilia had nearly reached the door when it opened. Cedric stood in the doorway, looking ragged and exhausted. He and Ophilia stood there for a moment, regarding each other. I heard her snarl at him before shoving past him, shutting the door with a snap behind her. I turned my eyes down to the chocolate, still sniffling. I didn't want him here, seeing me like this.

"I—I came as soon as I heard," he said, his voice hollow.

"What time is it?" My voice was so small, but I was too tired to hate it.

"Past two." He took a few steps towards me. "What happened?"

"In the morning?" I snapped off another square of chocolate.

"Yes." He was at the foot of my bed now. "Jen, please, are you okay?"

"No." I chewed the sweet warmth, trying to keep myself under control. I didn't want to cry again. I was so exhausted.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly. "I'm so sorry, I said things that I shouldn't have, that were really unfair. I'm… an ass. There's really no other excuse." When I was quiet, he took a shuddering breath. "Jen, why did… why did you leave?"

I finally looked up at him. His eyes were glassy, everything about him disheveled. His pale lips were trembling just slightly. I felt something inside of me break, and I was crying again, trying to keep my head lowered to save me some dignity.

"I—I thought you wanted me to leave," I finally managed to say. "I hate myself so much, I hurt you so badly. I'm the w-worst thing that's ever happened to you."

He sat on the foot of the bed. "No, Jen, you're not—" He tried to take my hand but I pulled it away. "Please listen to me—"

"You didn't want to listen to me." Part of me regretted the words when I heard his sharp intake of breath, but the rest of me was too tired and hurt to care.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I was stupid and jealous and I hate the things I said. They weren't true. It's not your fault at all, what he did to you." He started trembling, and I passed him the chocolate. He accepted it without a fuss. "I know that being harassed and assaulted and… and raped—"

"I wasn't raped," I said, confused. I could see the muscles in his arms tense.

"Would you have… would you still have shagged him in that closet if you knew it was him?"

"N-no." The gravity of what had happened dawned on me, and I curled up, hugging myself. I felt sick to be in my own body.

"But it's not your fault," he said, pushing the chocolate back in my hands. "Really. And I'm sorry I blamed you, that was horrible of me. I just want to know why you didn't tell me what he was doing to you."

"I… I don't really know." I dried my face on the already damp sheets. "I guess I just, um, didn't want you to worry about me. Or think I was weak. Or… cheating on you." I buried my face in my knees. "I thought I could handle it. I didn't think it was a big deal. And you were so busy, and stressed, that you didn't need any more on your plate."

"Okay." He reached over and squeezed my hand gently. "I forgive you. I really wish you would have felt comfortable telling me, but that's the past." I looked up at him, and he gave me a small smile. "And you're not the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Promise." I sniffled again and finished off the last of the chocolate. "I, um, I should go so you can sleep, but… well, if you want to come home, I would be really, really happy just to see you and work this whole thing out when you feel better."

"I, um, I don't know when I can do that," I answered honestly. "I just… I feel so horribly about this whole thing, and I… I know I'm going to break down the second I walk back into that flat."

"Okay. That's okay." He stood up. "When you're ready to talk more, let me know, yeah? I… I miss you. A lot."

"I miss you, too," I mumbled.

"Feel better," he said, and he squeezed my hand one more time before he left, shutting the door quietly behind him. I felt the shame burning in my throat, and I started crying again until I finally fell asleep again in my damp pillow.

Happy Monday!

I've uploaded a special treat for anyone that cares to read it, it's a oneshot bit revolving around the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff match in Prisoner of Azkaban (featuring our favorite couple, of course). Check it out if you're in need of something, ah, fluffier.

As always, thank you so much for reading and drop me a review to let me know what you liked or didn't like!

Thanks,

Icamane