Chapter 4- Part Of Me

Greetings, guys! How is everyone doing?! We're jumping right into things this chapter. Here's the prompt for what's ahead.

Guest: "I'd love to read about Jay opening up more about his time in the Army to Hailey and her helping him with his PTSD."

When I first read this I was almost immediately brought to the episode 'Trigger.' At the end of the episode Jay talks about how a lot of bad stuff happened and how that time of his life is just apart of him, not all of him. Of course, I'm sitting there yelling at my television asking/begging for him to spill. I'm still sitting here waiting for some trace amount of storyline from that period of his life. So while we wait, I think we shall use that discussion with Hailey to springboard this chapter. This will take place immediately after that episode, the two of them back at Jay's place talking. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in.

The Mayo Clinic defines post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, as a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event, either experiencing or witnessing it. For a good amount of people, terrifying events only effect them for a short period of time. They react, absorb, and then find a way to cope with the event. Sadly, this is not the case for everyone. PTSD can be debilitating, causing real harm to one's normal way of life. From a negative outlook on life to a shifting of physical or emotional reactions, PTSD can and often does drastically alter the way people live their lives.

The biggest hurdle in overcoming, or living with PTSD is avoiding or limiting triggers. Triggers can be anything or everything. From a voice to a word to an entire area of the world, a split second entity or person or sound can flip a switch, bring people right back to that terrifying moment in their life. Some people are better able to manage them, while others live their life a shell of their former self, crippled by an event in their past. Therapy and medication are vital to conquering this giant. Talking puts things into perspective, allows the thoughts and images to leave one's mind and exhale them into the world, allowing other people to help carry the burden before eventually burying it. One day, PTSD can and will become a part of someone's life, not their entire identity.

Jay knew all of this, had done the therapy and drugs a long time ago. He knew his triggers and grew to know those awful, stressful days of his past were just that, a previous chapter of his life. He had his low moments but always strived to seek the positive, find that silver lining in the dark skies. But cases like today's, the ones that literally involved the scenes of his past, brought everything back. It was a test of grand proportions that somewhat caught him off guard. He was thankful for the support, the procedures he gained to cope with things, but found himself still struggling. As he rested against that Suburban, watching the lives of free, innocent people joyfully step into safety he couldn't help but feel guilt. Guilty for assuming the worst, chalking those he helped free as equals to those evil forces on the other side of the world from so long ago. This group of people was just like him, striving to turn dreams into reality in the land of opportunity. He was ashamed, angry, wanting to be alone to wallow and lash out over his biased past; kick himself for letting that outlier influence everything. Hailey did her best to sway him back towards reality, remind him of the good he did on their behalf. Jay was grateful for her; appreciative for her continuous shove and never ending compassion. She offered to drive him home and he eventually, kinda reluctantly agreed. They were a couple of steps away from the truck, Jay's hand hovering over the handle when Voight called her back, a large stack of paperwork standing between her and beer o' clock.

"Go," Jay emotionlessly told her. She gave him that look, letting Jay know she wasn't buying what he was selling.

"I'll be fine. I'll see you later." She stood there for a couple more seconds, finally stepping away as he perked his forehead up and forced out the fakest smile.

"I won't be long," she reassured. Jay nodded, rounding the to the driver's side and climbing in. She stepped away, sighing in the unfortunate unfolding of events that is procedural paperwork. As she watched him drive away, she couldn't help but feel she just allowed a terrible mistake.

The immersion began about two blocks away from the scene. Gunfire could be heard in the distance, causing Jay to swivel his head around. The truck would come to an immediate stop, cars honking and moving around as Jay peered out of every window, radio in hand for when he spotted the shooter. When a crowd never charged toward the vehicle, no was there any other commotion, he resumed driving. From there things spiraled to tying people to memories. A child would flashback to one he interacted with; a man would match with a fellow soldier. It was very similar to how people described a manic state. You're living in one world but existing in another. Smells, sounds, distant echos of scenes from war danced in his head, creating this friendly nightmare in his head. The standing still at a green light was the final straw, Jay realizing he'd reached a point of being out of control. He wasn't functioning normally, fully under the power of the illusion. He shook his head, pulling over to the side as angry drivers glared him down, completely ticked he had the nerve to hold up their evening plans. Life went into autopilot. Jay turned the ignition off, got out, locked the doors and began walking, destination unknown. This was his life for the next couple of hours, walking with zero emotion with no endpoint in sight, fully re-living a chaotic part of his past.

…

"Jay? It's me." Hailey had been pounding on his door for at least a minute now, getting zero hint that Jay was home. Upon arriving at Jay's place his car was not there, neighbors and landlord not sure if they'd seen him come home. At the time she didn't have a key, so her only option was to keep banging. When another couple minutes of that failed she reached for her phone, blowing up his phone with calls and texts, none of them coming back that he acknowledged. Fear crept into the back of her mind, dark conclusions seeming to be the only reason for this odd situation. She dropped the food and beverages and swiftly walked, contemplating if she should call in the calvary for assistance.

"Hey this is Jay, leave me a message and I'll get back to you soon."

"Dammit, Jay," Hailey cursed as she threw her phone on the passenger seat. She shut the door, pressed her forehead to the steering wheel and breathed, closing her eyes in an effort to collect herself.

"He wouldn't do something that drastic," she overly reminded herself. She went back to the case, realizing she only knew snippets of his military experience, kicking herself for wanting to help without fully knowing anything. She shook her head after a time, reminding herself she can only go forward from this point.

"Adam, I need you to do something for me and this has to stay between us," she calmly begged as she pulled away from the apartment.

…

It was pitch black by the time she pulled put to the location. The truck was parked a couple miles away, but the phone was on his person. The location of the car told her he was on his way home, something forcing him to stop and leave. She didn't know if it was criminal or personal, but whatever it was was grand enough to make him walk a couple of miles to Maggie Daley Park. She ran through Millennium Park and over the walk bridge that connected the two green spaces, eyes laser focus and mouth hesitantly calling his name. Joggers looked at her funny while families on their evening strolled pulled in close, shielding themselves from the threat of something. Her gait slowed at the playground, noticing the large, slumped figure on a bench not moving. While she couldn't completely make out facial features, she knew it was him. It was sitting up and alive looking, a promising start.

"Hey you," she calming panted, knowing she wasn't going to get a response. Will had told her tales of being slapped when Jay was in an episode. The time Jay actually, yet unknowingly drew his gun on her solidified the tales. Those were dark times, Hailey grateful they appeared to be dwindling. Instead of touching him she had to create a voice, a sound that would pull him out. She waved her hands, receiving steady blinks and glazed over eyes.

"It's pretty dark out here, why don't we head back towards your place?" Again, nothing from Jay. She inched closer to the bench, taking a seat on the opposite end. She so wanted to reach over, brush his shoulder and shake him out of the nightmare.

"Jay, none of what you're seeing right now is live. It's a dream, something that already happened. You're safe and past it. Can you look at me?" She inched closer as she noticed a hand twitch.

"Jay, just talk. I'm not leaving you alone." His head snapped up, like it was plugging back in with the world. He gasped, looking around in an effort to grasp his surroundings. He was shaking, emotions suddenly and overwhelming flooding in. Hailey inched close enough to tap his shoulder and he flinched, arm raised in a striking stance.

"Hey, it's just me." Tears were in the corners of his eyes as he relaxed, obviously distraught and scared for himself.

"Did I.."

"No, I'm fine. Everything's fine. I promise nothing happened." His body kept reconnecting, shoulders and torso rocking back against the bench, creating a curve against the straight surface. The wind was picking up, forcing a slight stiffness into the October air, letting the city know the gates of winter were about to burst open. Guards and night owls were slowing their gate at the park, Hailey waving and reassuring them before they sped off. She had to admit, it was odd seeing adults at a playground, but in the moment she didn't care. Jay didn't speak for awhile, just looked out in front of him. He had no memory of reaching this point and it worried him, blackouts were supposed to be a thing of his past. Last time things got this bad were when she left, his rock that swept away without saying goodbye. That episode was a long one and it nearly took his job. While it was unsettling that his old ways quickly and easily reappeared, he took comfort in that this evening's escapade didn't rank in the top five.

"Let's get out of here," he mumbled. Jay rose and walked, swaying a couple of steps before finding his footing. The rest of the night Hailey became a human guardrail, standing behind him and verbally warning him of going the wrong way. She guided him to her car and practically pushed him into the passenger seat, his puppy dog eyes watching her round the car and get situated in the driver's seat.

"This is embarrassing," he confessed as they pulled away.

"It's fine. Happens to everyone."

"Not really," he joked as they drove into the night. It was a silent ride to his place, not even driving pet peeves interrupting the silence. Hailey wasn't sure if she was supposed to say something and Jay wasn't giving off vibes that he wanted to talk. The last thing she wanted to do was guide this thing, force Jay to walk into a world he didn't want to. The night was in his court, she had no other option other than to wait for him to serve something that she could volley. He followed her into his building as the two rode in silence in the elevator. They didn't look at each other as they walked down the hall, but the items sprawled outside of his door changed things.

"What is that?"

"Coke and Slim Jims. It's an old trick of mine. Best way to get over tough days."

"What happened to beers?" She vigorously shook her head.

"No way. We're already too wound up for that."

"Yeah, probably," he joked, helping her gather the loot as he opened the door. The light revealed a pristine place, evidence that tonight's episode was a brief one. In times past a wrecked apartment meant he was spiraling, so to see things in order drove home that for the most part, Jay's life was on the up and up. She set the food and drinks on the counter as Jay worked his way to the bedroom, the sound of shoes thrown against a wall letting Hailey know Jay was changing in the closet. Curiosity got the best of her. It was so not her thing, but the temptation was too powerful. She tipped toed down the hall, mentally smacking herself for getting this nosy. Jay was fine, not in need of a babysitter. Plus, there's be no excuse for her ear being pressed to his door when he eventually found her. In a way, she wasn't trusting him, but she kept venturing. She listened to the closet door close and the bathroom door open, water running down the drain as glass and spitting fell in line with the brushing of teeth. He cleared his throat too close to the door, a burst of nervous energy propelling her down the hall.

"You need something," Jay inquired, watching her face turn read as she turn towards him.

"Just…wanted to know if you wanted Coke or Dr. Pepper." He smirked widely, rolling his eyes as the two of them didn't believe her excuse.

"Coke," he replied, choosing to ignore things. He certainly wasn't qualified to analyze people's activities tonight. He returned to the kitchen and gathered the beef jerky and glass of Coke, ushering for Hailey to sit in the living room with him.

"I feel like I'm in high school," he joked as Hailey got situated in an adjacent chair, smacking him out of humor.

"Stop, don't knock it till you try it." They downed one box, and kept going till they'd cleared three boxes. It was an unofficial race to see who could open packages faster. There's always one beef stick that refuses to open and Hailey felt like she got every single one. Jay would laugh at her in victory as she struggled epically. A loud burp bubbled out of her mouth, the Coke, beef stick combo brought things to a halt. Both of them cried tears of hilariousness at her very uncharacteristic moment. Jay was the first to bring things down, settling into the couch as he rubbed his eyes in frustration. Whether either of them was ready it was time to get to the heart of the day; the elephant had to finally be taken down piece by piece.

"It was the kids that always made it hard. Just to see them living in that environment and happy was tough. They were content living in basically a war zone. They couldn't go play, couldn't run around and just be. Watching people die was tough, and the fire fights weren't ever something I feared, but watching the innocent people forced to live like that was trying."

"Jay, we don't have to.."

"No, it's fine. I don't want to keep this inside forever." Hailey transitioned from chair to couch, settling in as Jay continued. His introduction was so blunt, but then again that what the topic warranted. There wasn't a poetic way to talk about this kind of thing.

"My first tour we were on protection detail, going through towns after they'd been attacked and watching out for repercussions or fallout. In one village we were in the middle of this huge square, all the houses and businesses seemed to dead end to that location. There was a group of kids playing soccer and I wanted to join in, kinda get to know them and help them realize we were there to protect them, not harm. I got within a couple of feet when the commander yelled at me, saying it was too dangerous. That struck a chord. You never think of kids as being dangerous or threats, but in that area that's what the Taliban was using. So from that point on I always had to keep my distance. We'd wave and smile at them but were never allowed to talk to them, get close to them." Hailey nodded, sniffing away tears. She knew this was tough for him to talk about, and he was probably nervous to verbalize his thoughts. Talking wasn't going to come from her, this was all about him tonight.

"Couple weeks later after we moved on, we got word ten kids were abducted in the middle of the night, turning up in another village as…"

"I'm sorry, Jay."

"Yeah, I was out of it for a couple of days. Just totally lost it. Mouse was the one that finally got me to a point of functioning with it." Jay looked over to Hailey who was a little clueless as to who this 'Mouse' was.

"He's another story for another day. It's a long, complicated one." She smirked, excited that Jay wanted to keep this going.

"So the kid in the basement today…" Jay nodded.

"Brought it all back. It's hard to not go there. Such an awful, stark realization at one point in time. Sometimes it's hard to live with that rattling in the back of your mind." Silence rang out in the apartment, ending the first portion of the show. Jay was glued to his hands, watching them roll around in his lap. Hailey picked up that she now could say something.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, do you think Jake Miller was able to be saved?"

"What do you mean?" Jay shifted in his spot, the tension right there being bit.

"All that he planned, prepared, executed, was he beyond the typical treatment. I'm not questioning if it was worth trying but.."

"-Was I ever that bad?" She hesitantly nodded, eyes wide as she waited for the backlash.

"In a way, yes. I had issues. Tons of situations sent the red flags flying. I'd walk away from some people or ignore them. Did I want to harm people? No. I knew that to be wrong. But I was certainly scared, nervous to talk to people. It took a really long time to readjust, get back into a normal way of living. In war you operate on someone's call. Whenever, where ever, whatever time you had to be ready to defend yourself. Nothing was ever totally in your control. It was never quiet, there was never peace, everything had to be met with caution and worst case scenarios. So coming home, it took me months to step onto the El, walk down the street at night. Drinking, drugs, fights were the only things that shut my mind up, took away the sights and sounds that felt to be etched in my brain. But do I think Jake could've been saved? Yeah. As long as people are alive, it's worth trying to help them. But the key is they have to want help. It has to be them powering the plan, not anyone else."

"So what made you want to change?" Jay inhaled, determining if he wanted to answer. Hailey didn't budge.

"Um, attending a friend's funeral in Vegas actually. He returned the same time as me, but things spiraled out way worse for him. He ran his car into a wall, his family later found a note somewhere. I realized that as bad off as I was, there were other people out there in far worse states. I was lucky to be alive. We had friends die for us, defend us so we could live. I couldn't waste their sacrifice anymore. At that time my mom had already passed, Will was AWOL, and I wasn't on speaking terms with my dad. It was up to me to get things turned around and I did, for the most part." Hailey opened her arms for a hug and Jay nodded, rolling his eyes over her gesture. He wasn't the hugging it out type, but accepted her invite. It was a lot to dump her, or anyone for that matter. They sat in this weird hugging, sitting position for a couple minutes, Hailey squeezing as Jay sat motionless.

"Thank you for telling me. I'm really proud of you."

"Thanks," Jay said into her shoulder. They separated, both doing that thing where they speak mentally. Jay shrugged, Hailey rubbed his shoulder.

"I'm going to stay here tonight."

"No, I'm fine," Jay argued. Hailey shook her head.

"I don't want you to be alone tonight." Jay's mouth was open, about to protest when she spoke.

"I don't want to wake up tomorrow and find out you wandered the city in your bare feet."

"I haven't done that in awhile," Jay replied.

"Well great, you're not doing it tonight under my watch." She jokingly scooted him off the couch, stretching her tired arms and legs. She knew Adam would be missing her, but Jay's well-being was far more important.

"Go to bed," she nudged. Jay shuffled across the rug, turning to face Hailey as he rested against a doorframe.

"Thanks for this, Hailey." And with that he was in for the night. Hailey stayed awake for another hour, taking in everything Jay told her. Now knowing a small sliver of his life, she was amazed he made it out the front door everyday, much less dove head first into the hectic lifestyle of a Chicago PD detective. She was proud, grateful, lucky to work alongside him. The more she learned, the greater her respect for him blossomed. Tossing and turning could be heard down the hall, soft snores echoing the announcement that Jay was asleep. Hailey joined him in sleepville not long after.

…

"Hailey, we've gotta go." Her hair was a right mess, stiff arms slowly extending upward as Jay stepped away. Her body felt to be fighting a cold, aching as she stood and walked towards the bathroom. She'd never say it, but Jay's couch was the most uncomfortable surface she'd ever slept on.

"Coffee," Jay yelled down the hall? She grunted a 'yes.' The bathroom light revealed a sickly, drained face, puffy eyes and pale cheeks. The quality hours of sleep had to be hovering around three, four tops. She shook her head, reminding herself it was all for Jay as she splashed water on her face, deeply massaging it in an effort to wake up. It wasn't the night she intended to have, but it was better than waking up with uncertainties. After a quick hair brushing and clothes straightening session she ventured back towards the kitchen, smiling as Jay handed her a travel mug.

"Sleep well?"

"Sure," she dug her mouth deep in the lid.

"I should've warned you that couch is awful." Hailey all but spit her coffee at him, making him loudly laugh.

"I accidentally fell asleep on it a couple weeks ago, woke up and was convinced I was paralyzed. That was a rough workday."

"Next time…"

"Huh?!"

"Never mind," she joked, realizing that were aways from that. He looked down at his phone, quickly grabbing his drink and heading for the door.

"Told Voight we'd be there in a couple of minutes." She followed him to the door, watching him lock the door before following him to the car. The sun was just coming through the cracks of the buildings, the wind from the night still present, injecting crispness into their day. Leaves were in the process of changing as school buses were pushing exhaust into the air. Life was just beginning to kick off for the day, the stillness of the nightlife gradually turning over. This was a precious moment of the day, like walking into a restaurant before it opens. Everything is calm, things are relaxed, the potential is ripe. She watched Jay round the truck, smirking at his everything. She loved him as long as she'd known him, waiting for life to give them the green light. They were so similar yet so different, each one being what the other needed. They both had pasts, both had found ways to better days. And as he stared at her funny, she loved this beautiful mess called their life.

"What?"

"Nothing," she replied.

That beginning felt a little like a college essay; a throwback to those fun times. I should've warned some of this would be heavy. I do apologize for that. I hope you guys enjoyed this. I could not think of a great ending to save my life. I'm so excited for the upcoming season, that our Upstead dreams become reality. Thank you for reading. Onto the next chapter!