(A/N)- Greetings once again my dear and loyal readers!
November was... kind of a month for me out in realspace. I tried doing NaNoWriMo but just wasn't really into it this year, and completely stalled out once certain emergencies demanded my immediate attention and brainspace. I'm still processing A Lot. So I decided to funnel some of that emotion and energy into this, the next installment of the Mirrorverse series.
If you're new here, I apologize, you will be very lost, and I do recommend reading the previous installments ("Cracks In The Mirror", "Splinters", and "Shatterpoint") for the full context of things. But here's a basic summary of the whole AU: Thrawn got to Ezra's cell first in "Through Imperial Eyes" and had him tortured for information before Kallus and the others could rescue him. Ezra has been dealing with the fallout and PTSD of those events ever since, not helped by him being kidnapped by a very desperately over-protective Maul and held for two weeks to suffer more abuse in the previous fic "Shatterpoint". Ezra overcame some of the effects of his trauma in a Force Vision (that also knighted him like Kanan's did in "Shroud of Darkness") and managed to escape and defeat Maul and reunite with his family.
This fic picks up almost immediately on the heels of "Shatterpoint", and will continue along various modified Season Four events up until the finale.
For returning readers, welcome back! I do hope you enjoy this latest chapter in the series. Let's get to it, shall we?
Disclaimer: If I owned Star Wars you can sure bet that we would know where Ezra was by now. *grumbles*
Echoes
Late afternoon sun burned hot and humid on the canopy of the jungle. Fortunately there was still a cool breeze whistling through the trees, keeping everything from being completely uncomfortable, but Kanan's collar still felt a bit sticky on his skin as he knelt in meditation, breathing in and out and focusing his energies.
The moisture-imbued air passed through his lungs in a soft rhythm.
He wasn't so far into the depths of the Force that he didn't notice Ezra, walking towards him with slow footsteps, signature hesitant and cautious, coming up on him from behind.
Kanan pulled himself out of meditation at once, turning his head around.
"Ezra?" he called.
"Hey."
The boy's voice was flat, toneless, his emotions dulled. Kanan got to his feet, already a little anxious, turning around to face towards him fully now.
"What is it?" he asked.
There was a long inhale and exhale from Ezra. Kanan could picture the boy's posture from the trembling sense he got off him in the Force—head down, arms around his elbows holding himself, guarded and closed off. Kanan was already mentally preparing himself to comfort the boy.
Ezra was silent a moment more. Then:
"Maul's dead."
Kanan blinked behind the mask. Whatever he'd been expecting, it hadn't been that.
"Are you sure?" he asked carefully.
He sensed Ezra nod. "I felt it," Ezra confirmed soberly.
A breath of silence and then it was his turn to take a long exhale, this one of relief, a tingling solace, breathless and exhilarating, rising up through his body.
Maul was dead. He wouldn't come back after them. He would never threaten Kanan's padawan again. Ezra was safe.
Kanan allowed himself the small victory, before returning his attention to his troubled apprentice. Ezra had relayed the news almost as though he were in conflict about it. Kanan probed gently through their bond, but Ezra's walls were up, he was closed off and numb.
He supposed that wasn't surprising.
"How do you feel?" he asked, reaching out a gentle concern to Ezra through their bond.
Ezra struggled for words a moment. "Relieved?" he finally offered. Kanan heard him shift, his head leveling again. "I think... I think some part of me was always worried that he'd break his promise and come after me again," Ezra confessed, traces of fear lining his voice.
A soft breath, shuddering, like Ezra was trying to hold back tears.
"He lied to me so many times. I never..." Displaced air as the boy shook his head, vigorously. "I could just never tell what he was going to do. If he was going to keep his word or break it. If he was going to..." His words tightened, straining past something in his throat. "...hurt me or not."
Kanan's heart wrenched and he couldn't stand it anymore, he had to have his arms around his padawan, had to hold him and make sure he knew he didn't have to be afraid.
The boy's slight frame folded so easily into his chest, and Ezra didn't hesitate to cling back to Kanan, his shoulders shuddering, wrought with emotion.
Kanan stroked a hand over Ezra's head, smoothing down the soft hair. "He can't hurt you anymore," he promised. "He's gone."
"Yeah," Ezra laughed shakily, leaning into the embrace for a long moment before he pulled back. "I just... I thought I'd be happier about it, is all."
"It's okay to feel conflicted," Kanan assured him. "You pitied him, after all."
"Not as much as I hated him," Ezra countered. He sighed. "You're right, though. Even... even after everything he did to me, all he put me through... I still feel sad that he's gone." The words made Kanan think Ezra was pinching his eyes closed, screwing up his face. "It doesn't make sense."
Kanan chuckled shortly. "It's that Jedi compassion," he said. "It always makes us regret the loss of life, even of the worst scumbags. The Force is in all things, and no matter how bad someone is, they still leave a hole behind when they go. So it's normal to feel a little bit of grief, even for Maul." He scrunched his brows a little, suddenly anxious. "Am I making sense?"
"Actually," Ezra quipped, his voice lighter than before, "yeah." He sighed, pushing away from Kanan, stepping back. "Sorry to bother you about all this," he apologized softly. "I know you've got your mind full with... other things," he said evasively.
There was a sorrow behind his words that Kanan hated. He reached out, gripping Ezra's shoulder firmly, face tightening with conviction.
"Hey," he said. "It's my job to worry about you. You're not any less my son just because I'm having a kid of my own now."
Ezra's emotions welled up in the Force, blazing with gratitude and warmth.
Kanan cracked a grin. "And just because a Force vision knighted you doesn't mean I'm not still your master. I still have a lot to teach you," he teased.
Ezra's eyes must have been shining, from the way he said softly, "I know." He seemed much calmer now, a cool patch of tranquility in the Force.
The boy's arms were around him again, suddenly, and Kanan grunted with mild surprise before relaxing, and letting his arms drop around Ezra again.
He held the young Jedi, leaning his chin against the top of Ezra's head.
"Thank you..." Ezra whispered.
Kanan gripped him tighter. "I'll always be here, Ezra," he promised. "Just let me know if you need me."
"I'll always need you."
Kanan let a soft, fond smile play on his lips. "Somehow I doubt that," he quipped.
But he let Ezra hold on until they were finally called away by Rebel Command.
-SWR-
Kanan had thought the matter settled for the day. Ezra seemed cheerful and calm the rest of the afternoon, Kanan made sure he did his exercises before going to bed, and then he retired for the night assuming his padawan would be okay.
Up until tremors of fear through their bond woke him up in the wee hours of the night.
Kanan pulled his head from his pillow, blinking groggily, trying to make sense of the alarm the Force was sounding inside his head.
Quiet dread and horror hit the pit of his stomach as he realized the feeling was coming from Ezra.
"Oh no..." he breathed, rising to his elbows as he quickly pulled himself off the bed.
-SWR-
The caverns of Ilum seemed to shrink around him as he stared ahead with wide, horrified eyes.
"No..." Ezra breathed, stepping backwards in slow terror. "You're dead." He clung to that certainty as he kept retreating, ice scraping under his boots. "You're dead! You died, I felt it!" he cried.
The shadow in the doorway, blocking his way, took a threatening step into the room.
"Do you think death can rid you of my influence?" Maul smirked, his eyes glowing in the dim blue light, the kyber in the walls fading into red as he passed. "I will always be part of you, Ezra." He stalked forward, his hands clasped so casually behind him, as if he wasn't sending Ezra into panic just with his mere appearance. His expression curled with ominous malice. "I'm in your mind," he said. "In your thoughts, always. I am the whisper that will be behind your ears, reminding you just how weak you are."
Ezra's throat strangled on a breath, his head shrieking with denial. Maul kept walking towards him and Ezra stumbled as he recoiled, hands out stiffly.
"Get away from me!" he screamed, eyes fixed on the nightmare approaching him.
He was suddenly falling backwards, toppling into shallow water. Ezra scrambled up onto his elbows, his chest ratcheting tighter as Maul was kneeling right in front of him and the cavern was drenched with eerie red light, reflecting in Maul's burning eyes.
Ezra held up a hand, whimpering, crying out as he felt his shirt seized roughly by tattooed hands and then Maul was snarling right in his face.
"You will always be my apprentice," he was hissing in furious anger, and Ezra could only weakly shake his head. The hands tightened. "Mine," Maul growled.
Ezra choked on a scream as Maul shoved him down into the water, cold liquid sloshing into his mouth, burning down his throat.
He coughed desperately, breath escaping in large bubbles, but it was no use, he was already gargling, choking for air, Maul's fingers were latched around his neck on both sides, strangling him, pinning his head down under the surface. Ezra kicked up, scratched out, but Maul's weight was pressing down on his middle, crushing him underneath while his hands crushed Ezra's throat and he smirked down cruelly at the boy from the surface just inches away.
Ezra thrashed frantically, blind panic taking him. Water sloshed around him and filled his lungs, burning horribly, stabbing like knives of cold fire in his chest.
No! he thought, retching helplessly. No no no no no—
-SWR-
Kanan stumbled over the threshold as he flung himself into the hallway. He couldn't find the door controls at first in his haste, smacking his palms at the wall twice before he finally landed on the button.
Zeb was already awake, pulling himself off his own bunk with a quiet rustle of sheets and clothes, already turning towards the restless, tossing figure of Ezra on the top bed. The boy's face was pinched tight in distress, and little whimpers and gasps escaped his mouth, as though he were having trouble breathing.
Kanan lurched into the room.
"How long has he been like this?" he asked frantically.
"A few minutes," Zeb confirmed. His attention returned firmly to the top bunk. "Ezra!" he called. He put a hand on Ezra's stomach to shake him awake. "Hey, Ezra! Wake up!"
Ezra gasped loudly as his eyes startled open.
Kanan's feet rooted and Zeb tensed too, watching the boy. Ezra's eyes were wide and he stared straight ahead as if in a slight daze, panting heavily, leaned up on his elbows. Clammy sweat clung to the hem of his nightclothes.
After a moment he seemed to come to himself, turning his head towards the two men.
"Kanan?" he called timidly.
The Jedi stepped up next to Zeb by the bunk, reaching up to squeeze Ezra's wrist. "I'm right here, Ezra," he promised. "You're okay. It was just a nightmare."
Ezra exhaled shakily, looking down towards his lap.
A soft flutter in the doorway had him glancing that way; Sabine stood there as well, hands clutching a blanket she'd pulled around her shoulders, wide-eyed worry and concern pinching her features.
Ezra's eyes dropped again, shame creeping across his cheeks. He shifted, dropping his legs over the side of the bunk, dangling them, hutching over, focusing leaden eyes on Kanan's steadying hand on his wrist.
"I..." he began hesitantly. "I thought... I thought the nightmares would be over... now that he's gone," he said.
The others listened patiently, Zeb reaching up and putting a hand on his shoulder, eyes strained with soft concern.
"He's dead. He won't come after me anymore. He can't," Ezra rambled on, starting to tremble. "So... so why am I still...?"
He trailed off, breath hitching, head leaning forward and eyes squeezing closed as tears threatened.
Zeb's hand moved behind his back, Kanan's lifted to grip his shoulder, and Sabine gave a soft cry as she pushed into the room, squeezing between the two men in order to clasp Ezra's left hand.
Afraid, was the word all of their minds supplied, to fill in the blank.
Ezra's free hand reached up to smear across his right eye. "He's... he's in my head, Kanan I—" He hiccuped softly. "—I can't escape him," he finished in despair. "He's still there."
Kanan fumed silently, anger welling up inside him. His kid was hurting, had been hurt so badly, and he couldn't even punish the one responsible because the rat bastard was already dead, nothing but a ghost left behind in Ezra's mind.
It took a bit of stretching, but he pulled Ezra closer, hand on the back of his neck. He seemed so small in the gray pajamas; that he'd felt safe enough to wear them had been a minor miracle in Kanan's opinion, up until Maul had rudely shown up to steal that sense of safety away. It wasn't the Jedi way, but Kanan honestly hated the man for a moment.
"He's gone," he emphasized firmly, a bit of a growl under his words. "He's nothing but shadows and bad memories and nightmares now." A protective determination hardened his features. The monster haunting his padawan was not going to win. "And we've gotten pretty good at handling those," he pointed out.
Zeb nodded in agreement. "Right," he said. "This is just like the Chimaera. We take it one day at a time eh?" He leaned his furry brow against Ezra's forehead, surprisingly softly. "An' we're with you every step of the way," he vowed with sincere warmth.
"You won't get over this, Ezra," Kanan went on. "But you'll get through it. We all will. Together," he finished quietly, echoing words he'd said to Hera in the midst of her own despair and hopelessness.
Sabine added her silent support by squeezing Ezra's hand.
Ezra inhaled again, slowly, his shaking subsiding. A couple seconds passed.
When he breathed out again his tremors had stopped, and his aura in the Force was calmer, less agitated. Settled.
Soft footfalls from the hallway had them all looking over to see Hera hovering at the door.
"Everything all right?" she asked.
Ezra nodded quietly.
"Nightmare," Zeb explained, stepping aside, giving Ezra space.
Hera nodded in understanding. "I thought so." To Ezra, she asked gently, "Would you like something hot to drink, Ezra?"
He cracked a faint smile. "Yeah. I think so."
He squeezed Sabine's hand back, gratefully, then let go and slid down off the side of the bunk, landing a bit awkwardly on his bare feet. Kanan backed up to let him pass, and he joined Hera out in the hall, the Twi'lek pilot sliding an arm around his shoulders softly.
"Come on, let's go up to the cockpit," she whispered, rubbing his arm.
The other three lingered a moment or two in Ezra's room as Hera led the boy down the central hallway. Sabine eventually wandered off back to her room, the door sliding closed with a hiss.
Kanan sighed heavily and leaned back against the wall, pressing hands over his face.
"Hey," Zeb encouraged. "He'll be all right."
Kanan wished he could be certain of that.
-SWR-
He checked on Ezra one last time before he finally allowed himself to go back to sleep. His pawadan was curled up in the copilot's seat, feet on the cushions, wrapped up and tucked in with one of Hera's blankets, head drooped against the back and breathing softly. His empty cup rested on the console and Chopper warbled quietly at his port, adjusting the comm system to play soft static through the speakers.
Hera smiled up at him as he stepped into the cockpit. She watched him put a hand on Ezra's head, his lips pinched, expression probing in concentration.
Ezra didn't stir, continuing to breathe in and out steadily.
Apparently satisfied, Kanan drew back.
"I've got him, Kanan," Hera promised. She touched a hand to his arm, gently admonishing. "Get some sleep."
He acknowledged her with a nod, sensing out just once more to make sure and reassure himself that Ezra was fast asleep, and dreaming peacefully. Not a whisper of fear flitted through the boy. Maybe he would be okay. At least for now.
Trudging, Kanan made his way back to his own room, tired and worn out from worry.
He lay awake for long anxious minutes before a blissful, dreamless and restful sleep came to him too.
(A/N)- As always, your friendly and informative chapter notes!
1. Recurring readers will remember that Hera has already told Kanan that she's pregnant in this timeline. Ezra may be having some anxious irrational replacement fears about that, that of course Kanan had to readily disperse because he is Ezra's father dammit, in all but name.
2. Ezra's anti-nightmare Force meditations do not, ah... appear to have worked this time. This section was based on some admittedly real-world anxieties about believing someone was okay until suddenly they weren't, and it blindsiding you completely and bowling you over.
3. Soft spacefamily comfort. I needed this, okay? Made sure to get everyone in on it of course.
4. As I mentioned, I am... processing a few things with this fic so if the emotions seem a little rawer than usual... that's why.
A bit of a heavy chapter to start with, but I promise there will be some levity here and there to keep our spirits up. (Next chapter is one such chapter.) Leave a comment or review if you enjoyed it and please do stay tuned for the rest! Thank you.