chapter trigger warning: self-harm, mention of suicidal thoughts
Chapter One: Back to School
Remus stumbled down the aisle of the train, dragging a heavy suitcase behind him. Glancing through the window of the left carriage, he sighed in relief when he saw that it was empty. He slid the door open and collapsed on the seat, breathing heavily. The full moon had been the night before, and it was a particularly harsh one. Remus leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
"Remy!"
Startled, the boy jerked away, wincing slightly at the sudden movement. His gaze fell on the tall, dark-haired boy standing in the doorway. "Sirius!" he cried, standing up slowly and stiffly.
Sirius, his hair messy and his eyes sparkling, launched himself into Remus's arms, wrapping his own tightly around his friend. Remus hissed, as Sirius's fingers brushed a still healing gash along his back. Sirius frowned. "You ok, Remy?" he asked, looking into the shorter boy's eyes.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Remus answered smoothly. "I just slept kind of funny last night, and my neck's kind of sore." Actually, he had spent last night locked in the basement, howling and crying in pain as he tore at his own flesh and flung himself against the wall. But Sirius didn't need to know that.
Sirius nodded sympathetically, buying Remus's lie without a question. After all, Remus wouldn't lie to him, right?
"Oi, losers!" Sirius spun around, his eyes lighting up even more.
"James, my dear friend!" he cried dramatically, throwing his arms wide open, looking as though he hadn't seen James in years.
"Sirius! Oh, how I missed you!" The two boys flung themselves into each other's arms, sobbing theatrically. Remus shook his head, groaning softly.
"Sirius, you were at the Potter's house all summer. Yesterday was the only day you went home," said Peter, who was still standing in the doorway.
"But Peter," whined James, "I missed him."
Remus sat back down, slumping against the wall in the corner, eyes closed. Everything hurt. That one cut on his back felt like it might be bleeding a little. The dark bruises on his chest, stomach, arms, and legs throbbed dully. The light was too bright; it hurt his eyes. His forearm stung every time it moved- well, that was a different pain. That one was good.
The words, the lights, the voices, his friends, all blurred together. Since when was the train so noisy? When did the train sway so much? Remus groaned. His stomach turned, and he thought he might be sick. Better not do it here.
Just then, the door slid open. "Something from the trolley, dears?" The smells of chocolate, warm pumpkin pastries, licorice, and pumpkin juice wafted in, mixing deliciously– or not. Remus clamped a hand over his mouth, pushed passed the trolley cart with a hasty, murmured apology, and hurried unsteadily down the aisle to the bathroom.
Once there, he collapsed on the floor by the toilet. Just in time, too, for the next minute his breakfast, if you could call it that (he had just picked at the food and had barely eaten anything), made a grand reappearance in the toilet.
Remus stayed there, his shoulders shaking, trying to catch his breath. His skin crawled, his body ached, his very soul was tired. Standing up slowly, he walked over to the sink to rinse out his mouth. When he looked in the mirror, he barely recognized the pale, skinny boy staring back. Remus rinsed out his mouth and splashed water on his face.
Then, calmly, he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a knife. Flicking it open, he glanced in admiration at the wickedly sharp blade. He set it against his already injured wrist and dragged it quickly across, once, twice, a third time. Then, he wiped it on a tissue and slipped it back into his pants, all with a practiced and familiar ease.
And just in time, too. At the sharp knock on the door, Remus's head jerked up. "Rem, you ok?" Sirius. Fuck. Take a deep breath. Lie to him.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Sirius. Don't worry."
Sirius hesitated. He knew that Remus was anything but fine. He was very worried. It didn't matter who collected and "ok" Remus sounded. Sirius knew that he was a master at hiding his emotions, how he actually was. Remus was an excellent liar when he needed to be. And Sirius hated when he was the person Remus was lying to.
"You sure, Remy?"
"I'm sure, Siri. It's fine. I'll be out in a minute."
Sirius sighed. Perhaps Remus would be out in a minute. Or, perhaps he would stay in there, uset, hurt, crying, Sirius didn't know.
"Remus," he started, then trailed off. "Please? Can you let me in?"
Remus inhaled sharply. He felt the blood dripping down his wrist. "I'm fine, Sirius. I'll be out in a minute."
Running his fingers through his hair, Sirius leaned against the wall next to the door, finally sliding down to sit on the floor. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes, trying not to imagine what Remus was doing in the bathroom.
Remus, on the other side of the thin wall, pushed his sleeve farther up and soaked up the blood with a handful of tissues. The bleeding had mostly stopped, and his sweatshirt was black, so he wasn't that worried. He dropped the tissues in the toilet and flushed, never wanting to leave bloody tissues in the trash where someone might see. He washed and dried his hands, took a deep breath, and opened the door.
Sirius scrambled to his feet. "Remy? You ok?"
Remus nodded, though he refused to meet Sirius's eyes. The taller boy sighed softly, then embraced Remus in a tight, loving hug. They stood there for a minute or two. Remus tried to match his breathing to Sirius's, slowing his rapidly beating heart. Finally, Sirius released him. "Are you actually ok, Remy?" he asked, his voice full of genuine concern.
Again, Remus nodded, and again refused to look at Sirius. Sirius frowned, and tilted Remus's chin up until he was looking directly into Sirius's eyes. "Remus, don't lie to me."
Remus opened his mouth to speak, then frowned and closed it again, trying to collect himself. "I'm ok, Siri, really. I just got a little sick from the train all of a sudden."
The frown on Sirius's face softened. "Oh, Remy, I'm sorry. Are you feeling better now?"
"Yeah," Remus nodded. "I threw up, but at least now I'm feeling better." Granted, he had thrown up from anxiety, and he was feeling better because he had cut, but Sirius didn't need to know that, as much as it hurt Remus to hit things from him.
There was a lot Remus was hiding from Sirius, so this was nothing new. There was so much, so many things that Sirius had no idea. That Remus was a werewolf. That Remus was depressed. Anxious. Self-harming. Suicidal. Gay. In love with Sirius. But Sirius didn't need to know.
Sirius hoped that motion sickness was the only thing wrong with Remus. But he couldn't be sure. He knew Remus had a lot of secrets. It pained him that Remus felt the need to keep them that way, but Sirius couldn't blame him. Hell, that would be incredibly hypocritical of him, given how many secrets he had. But Remus didn't need to know about them.
"You want to head back to the compartment?" Sirius asked. "James is probably wondering where we went."
"Probably. He and Peter will have either bored each other to death or annoyed each other to death."
The two boys walked back to their compartment, Sirius walking confidently with the famous "Black-air" about him, Remus hunched in on himself, fingernails digging into his palm, anxiety coursing through his very soul.
Sirius threw open the compartment door, before loudly announcing their return from an adventure and draping himself across James's lap. Remus settled in the corner, opposite the other three, as James and Peter had been sitting on the same bench. He leaned his head against the wall, trying to shut out the voices in his head. They were screaming at him; depression, anxiety, self-loathing, all telling him that he would be better off dead. He curled inward even more, praying no one would notice.
Sirius noticed, though. Elegantly, he removed himself from James and crossed the compartment to sit next to Remus. Wrapping an arm around the smaller boy, he pulled him closer. "You ok, Remy?"
Remus nodded slightly. "Just tired. And a little sick from the train, I think. I'll be fine."
"Try to sleep, if you can. You'll feel better."
As Remus nodded, he felt Sirius pull him even closer. "Wake me up when we get there, will you, Siri?" he asked. Now that he said it, he felt all the fatigue from the night before hit him like a train.
"Of course I will, Remy." Sirius brushed the hair out of Remus's eyes and held him close.
As Remus drifted off to sleep, the last thought running through his head was Sirius. When he was with James, and Peter, and everyone else, Sirius was loud and confident, bordering on obnoxious. With Remus, though, he was gentle and caring and protective and caring. Fuck, Remus loved Sirius so badly it hurt. And not as a friend. But Sirius didn't need to know.
A/N:
what's up, i'm back with another story. i've been playing with this idea for a really long time, and started a first draft a while back. then my depression was like 'lol nope' and i didn't work on it for several months. but here i am now. updates might be slow, because school is shit and i hate it.
my best friend actually published her first fic a little bit ago, and it's amazing and kind of inspired me to actually go work on something instead of imagining a thousand different fics in my head. so if any of you are in the keeper of the lost cities fandom, go check her out wisdomwashere and tell her that i sent you.
stay safe, eat and drink something, take ur meds, and remember i love you all sm, you make my day 3
ktf xolyn