chapter trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, mentions of self-harm

Chapter Two: Return to Hogwarts

As the train neared the station, Sirius looked down at Remus, who was still asleep, curled up against him. His face was peaceful, more peaceful than when he was awake. Even when he claimed to be fine, Remus's eyes were full of pain and sadness and emotions too complex for Sirius to identify. He knew that Remus was anything but fine, and it pained him that Remus constantly shut everyone out.

The train slowed, then jolted to a halt. Gently, Sirius rubbed Remus's arm. "We're here, Remy. You need to wake up."

Remus opened his eyes and stretched, wincing slightly. Sirius noticed, but didn't say anything. Remus was still leaning against Sirius. The older boy was warm and comfortable, and he felt safe. He also didn't want Sirius to see the tears welling up in his eyes. He wasn't sure exactly why he was crying, but he didn't want Sirius, or James and Peter, to see.

James stood up, a huge smile on his face. That made sense. He belonged here. Hogwarts was home to all four of the boys, but it was most obvious in James. He was a Potter, a pureblood. His family was noble, and he was proud of them. He had a lot of expectations, as would be expected, but he far surpassed them. He was an outstanding chaser on the Quidditch field, he was an excellent student, he was truly gifted.

"Come on, Remy, we have to go," Sirius murmured.

Remus sighed. It's not that he didn't like Hogwarts, he really did. Even though he was an outsider, it was still his home. He belonged there. It was that he didn't want to be there. And by there, he meant this life. He didn't think that he would come back for his fifth year. Hell, he didn't think he'd make it past first year, or second, or third, or fourth. This past summer, he spent every day in his bed, thinking about how much he didn't want to be alive. He rarely left, only to eat when his parents forced him to, to use the bathroom once or twice a day, and to cut. His room was a mess, his desk was a heap of unopened letters from Sirius and James and Peter. Three stacks, the one of Sirius's letters being significantly higher. Sirius had written to him every single day. And Remus didn't open any of them, nor did he send any back. Instead, he scrawled a brief note and stuck it in an envelope labeled "Sirius" and left it on one of his bookshelves. That was for if he finally went through with his plan. He didn't though, partly because he couldn't even get out of bed, and partly because he wanted to see Sirius one last time.

And so here he was, basically back at Hogwarts, alive (barely), and still hopelessly in love with his best friend. And that was the worst part. He loved Sirius so much it hurt, and what was almost worse was that Sirius didn't love him back. Why would he? What was there about Remus to love? He was useless, worthless, better off dead. Soon, hopefully, he would be. Then everything would be better and everyone would forget him and Remus Lupin would be nothing but a vague memory.

Remus was roused from his depressing thoughts when Sirius stood up. He remained seated, now leaning against the wall, letting his too-long hair fall over his face. He should have cut it months ago, but, like everything else, he was too depressed to do it. It was handy, though, so no one saw the tears in his eyes.

Sirius crouched down, looking under Remus's fringe. "You ok, Remy?"

Remus nodded, refusing to look at Sirius.

Sirius stood back up, and turned to James and Peter. "You guys go get a coach," he said. "Remus and I will catch up."

"Sounds good," said James. "Just be quick, or else it'll leave without you."

"It'll be fine, James," Sirius responded. "If we're not there in time, we'll figure it out and meet you in the Great Hall."

Once they were alone, Sirius gently helped Remus to his feet, then pulled him into a hug. Remus flinched, but soon relaxed into the taller boy's embrace. "Remy, what's wrong?"

Remus simply shook his head, burying his face in Sirius's chest.

"Remus, you're not ok," Sirius said gently. "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"N-nothing," Remus responded, his breath hitching slightly.

Sirius sighed. "Remus, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. You're not ok, though, and we both know it."

"I am," Remus whispered. "I'm ok, Siri. Really."

Sirius let go of Remus, and gently lifted his chin until he was looking into the eyes of the younger boy. Remus looked at Sirius for a split second, before his gaze dropped. "I love you, Remy. I'll always be here for you, ok? I would do anything for you, you know that, right?"

Remus didn't respond. His heart clenched painfully at those first three words, reminding him that Sirius meant only as a friend. He would give anything for Sirius to love him back, the way he did. He wanted nothing more than to hear those same words from his friend, but know that he meant it as more than a friend. That he meant it the way Remus did.

Sirius pulled the sleeve of his dark robe over his hand and carefully wiped the tears off of Remus's cheeks. He pulled him into one last hug, whispering, "I love you, Remy. I love you so much, and I just want you to be ok."

Remus smiled softly, although his insides twisted at the friendly, and only friendly, meaning behind Sirius's words.

"We should probably get going," Sirius said. "Wouldn't want to be late to the feast."

Remus nodded again, still not trusting himself to speak. Sirius led the way out of the train onto the platform, the spotted Peter leaning out of one of the few remaining coaches, waving wildly. "Sirius! Remus! Over here!" he called.

The pair hurried over and climbed in. Just in time, too, as the coach in front of them was leaving, heading up to the glowing lights of the castle. The ride was mostly quiet, none of them seemed interested in conversation, though for different reasons. James couldn't wait to get back on the Quidditch field, where he could be James Potter the Gryffindor Chaser again, and perhaps finally get Lily Evans to go on a date with him. Peter was looking forward to another year of pranks and sneaking out and general mischief. Remus was leaning against the wall, eyes closed, thinking about how much he just wanted to be dead. Sirius was staring at Remus in admiration.

He wished that he could tell Remus how he actually felt, that he could hold him in his arms, soothe his crying, make everything ok. He wished Remus would tell him what was wrong. He wished he could help. He wished he could say those three words and have Remus know that he meant them as more than a friend. But Remus would never love him back. How could he? He was Sirius Black. And Remus, Remus was something so much more unattainable than what Sirius Black could reach. Sirius Black could have anything he wanted, between his money and name and reputation. Anything, that is, except for Remus. Damnit, Sirius was in love with his friend, so in love that it hurt.

The ride up to the castle was relatively short, and soon all four boys were roused from their thoughts. They left the coach, and followed the surging mass of students up to the Great Hall. They found a spot at the Gryffindor table, near the back of the Great Hall, and settled down. Remus slumped over, laying his head down on his arms. Sirius scooted closer to him, until their legs were touching.

James leaned across Peter. "Hey, Evans!" he called.

Lily Evans, who was sitting a few seats down, turned around. Her face fell, however, when she saw who had called her name. "What do you want, Potter?" she spat.

"Geez, Evans, no need to be so feisty," James said. "I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to possibly–"

Lily cut him off. "Potter, if you ask me out one more time, I swear will rip off your dick and feed it to the giant squid."

James winced visibly. "No need to be so graphic," he said. "I was just going to ask if you wanted to be Charms partners this year?"

She sighed. "Potter, there is no force in heaven or on earth that could make me willingly be your partner in anything." With that, she flipped her hair and returned to her previous conversation.

James shook his head sadly. "It was worth a shot," he muttered.

"Dude," said Sirius, "if you keep asking her out she's probably going to shoot you."

"I know, I know," he groaned. "But she's so fucking amazing and I've liked her for so long. Like you would get it, Siri."

Sirius snorted. That couldn't be farther from the truth, but obviously James didn't know that. No one did. No one could. Especially Remus. Sirius would probably die if Remus ever found out.

Before he could come up with some scathing reply, a hush fell over the hall as Professor McGonagall led a long line of first years into the room, bringing with her the Sorting Hat. James leaned across the table and nudged Remus. "Oi, Remus!" he whisper-yelled. "Wake your lazy ass up, it's time for the Sorting."

Remus groaned, lifting his head. There was already a first-year seated on the stool, but he couldn't pay attention to what the Sorting Hat announced. The cheering, the chatter, it all blended together. He paid no attention, instead picking at the worn hem of his robe and losing himself inside his head.

In what seemed like no time at all, the Sorting was over and food had appeared on the tables. At the gentle encouragement of Sirius, Remus gave himself a meager helping of food, and proceeded to push it around on his plate for the entirety of the meal. Sirius noticed, of course, but didn't say anything. He knew Remus had already had a rough day.

Remus didn't eat dinner, and he didn't eat dessert, and he barely listened to Dumbledore's speech. Instead, he thought. He thought about himself, and how much he hated himself, and how much he wished he were dead. He thought about his cuts, and he thought about the most recent full moon. He also thought about Sirius. How gorgeous he was, sitting there, chatting, enjoying himself. His laugh, his smile, his twinkling eyes, his dark hair. Fuck, Remus loved Sirius so much.

Remus followed Sirius when he stood up, and walked with his friends to the Gryffindor Tower. They talked and laughed and joked, but Remus walked a few paces behind them and didn't say anything. They all went up to their room, where House Elves had placed their trunks.

James pulled out a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, but Remus just climbed into his bed and pulled the curtains shut. He listened miserably as the others played a card game and the loser of each round had to eat a bean. He listened as they finally stopped playing and went to bed. He listened as their breathing evened out, one by one falling asleep. And he lay there, listening to the silence, praying that if he slept, he wouldn't wake up in the morning.

A/N:

ayyyy i can't study for finals but apparently i can crank out a 2000 word chapter in one sitting. idk

anyways, enjoy this chapter, comment if u want to, it honestly motivates me so fucking much.

love you all sm, stay safe 3

ktf xolyn