chapter trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, mentions of self harm

Chapter Three: It's Probably Suspicious if James Finds Sirius in Remus's Bed

Sirius woke up to the sound of soft, muffled crying. He rolled over, glancing at his clock. 5:00 am. Still mostly asleep, Sirius rolled over again and closed his eyes. Then he stopped. It was Remus crying, wasn't it?

He pulled back one of the curtains, putting on a crumpled t-shirt from the floor. Quietly, so as not to wake the others, he tip-toed across the room to Remus's bed, where the curtains were drawn tightly. "Remus?" he said softly.

Remus froze. Fuck. The last thing he needed right now was Sirius. He didn't want Sirius to see him like this: exhausted, crying, bleeding. Of course, he wanted nothing more than to have Sirius hold him, whisper that it would be ok, wipe away his tears, dandage his wrists, and kiss him. But Sirius would never do that.

Sirius's heart ached. Remus was in so much pain. Emotionally, it was clear to Sirius that Remus was a mess. Physically, he didn't know, but prayed that it wasn't the case. He wanted nothing more than to hold Remus, whisper that it would be ok, wipe away his tears, and kiss him. But Remus would never let him do that.

"You ok, Remy?"

Remus knew that he couldn't trust his voice. He nodded slightly, then realized Sirius wouldn't be able to see. "Yeah," he whispered.

Sirius sighed. "That's bullshit, Remy."

There was a minute of silence. "Can I come in, Remy?" Sirius asked softly.

"N-no," said Remus, his voice barely audible. As much as he wanted Sirius to comfort him, he didn't want Sirius to see him like this. He wanted Sirius to think that he was still somewhat ok, even if it wasn't true.

"Remy," begged Sirius, "please. You're not ok. Can I please come in?"

Remus hesitated. He grabbed the dark sweater from the end of his bed and pulled it on, shoving his blade back in his wallet and deep in his pocket. "O-ok," he whispered.

Sighing in relief, Sirius pulled back the curtain and climbed into Remus's bed. The smaller boy was curled in on himself, against the headboard in the corner of the bed.

Remus's eyes, full of tears, looked everywhere except for Sirius, refusing to meet the older boy's gaze. He felt the blood drip down his wrist. The bruises on his back throbbed dully. His heart ached for the perfect boy in front of him.

Sirius knelt just in front of Remus. "Look at me," he whispered.

Remus shook his head.

"Please, Remy?"

Another shake.

"Can I touch you?"

Remus hesitated, not sure what he wanted or needed. But fuck, Sirius was always so considerate. He had noticed very early on that Remus could not handle being touched, especially when he was like this. Remus opened his mouth, then closed it again. The words wouldn't come out. Remus wasn't even sure what he was trying to say.

Fuck, it hurt Sirius to see Remus in so much pain. He needed to be strong for Remus, though, and he pushed it all to the back. Remus looked down at his lap, and Sirius watched a tear roll down the smaller boy's cheek.

Sirius moved towards Remus, slowly, watching him carefully. He stopped when he was kneeling just in front of the crying boy. He gently lifted Remus's chin, and the pair made eye contact for a split second, before Remus looked away. "What's wrong, Remy?" Sirius asked softly.

Remus didn't say anything. He swallowed a whimper, and another tear rolled down his cheek.

"Can I give you a hug?" asked Sirius.

Remus nodded, and Sirius immediately pulled the smaller boy onto his lap and into a warm embrace. Tears continued to slowly run down Remus's face. Sirius noticed, of course, and wiped them away. "Shh, it's ok," he murmured. "Everything will be ok, Remy."

Remus shook his head. It wasn't ok. And it wouldn't be ok. So many things weren't ok. So many things wouldn't be ok. Sirius ran his slender fingers through Remus's hair, pushing it away from his face, but Remus just shook it back over his eyes.

They sat there, Remus crying and Sirius holding him, for probably 20 minutes. Remus was exhausted. He had barely gotten any sleep, and it had been full of tossing and turning and nightmares and pain. Sirius was holding one of Remus's hands, rubbing little circles on the back of it, helping him to relax.

Finally, Remus fell asleep, slumped against Sirius's chest. The older boy smiled down at him, glad that he was going to get at least a little bit of rest before classes started. It was their fifth year. That meant O.W.L.s. and so much homework. And stress. And figuring out N.E.W.T.s. And Sirius didn't want to think about it.

Gently, he laid down, keeping his arms wrapped around Remus, and pressed a kiss to the forehead of the sleeping boy. "I fucking love you, Remy," he said.

Sirius, though he would never admit it, was also pretty tired, and soon he fell asleep as well, still cuddled up to Remus. As he drifted off, he vaguely hoped that James wouldn't find them in the morning and jump to some absurd conclusion.

Remus was fast asleep, not bothered by nightmares or insomnia. The best part, though, was the dream. He dreamed that he fell asleep against Sirius. Sirius had helped him lay down, then kissed his forehead and whispered, "I fucking love you, Remy."

And that had been just enough to rouse Remus, and he had whispered back, "I love you too, Siri," and then boldly pressed a kiss against Sirius's lips.

And then the dream had faded away, and everything was black, but that was enough, because there were no nightmares and no pain and Remus might actually feel sort of ok in the morning.

Of course, Sirius always had the worst luck. He woke up a few hours later to an empty bed and James throwing a glass of ice cold water on his face. "What the actual fuck, James?" he sputtered.

"First of all," said James, "you're late. We have exactly 7 minutes and 43 seconds until Transfiguration, and McGonagall will probably castrate you if you're late on the first day. Especially since it's O.W.L.s year. Just for that, she'll probably take the balls too.

Sirius winced.

"Also," James continued, "why the fuck are you in Remus's bed. Please tell me you didn't try to do something stupid."

Luckily for Sirius, who had no idea how to respond to that (because really, there wasn't a good explanation that didn't let James know that Remus had been crying), Remus and Peter walked up next to James. Remus was carrying a few pieces of toast wrapped in a napkin.

"We couldn't sleep last night," Remus lied smoothly, no trace of deceit visible on his face. "So we were playing cards on my bed, so we wouldn't wake you up, and I guess we just fell asleep at some point." He turned to Sirius, handing him the napkin. "Peter and I brought you breakfast. Also you should probably get dressed, because we now have-" he looked at James.

"6 minutes and 12 seconds," James finished.

"And it sure would be a shame if you were to be late," added Peter, "and McGonagall were to castrate you. And then you would have to explain to your dear old mother why the Black line ends with you."

Sirius winced again. No one would put it past Professor McGonagall to castrate anyone who was late. "Fuck my dear old mother," he groaned. "I don't give a damn what she thinks."

Despite what Sirius did or didn't give a damn about, he rolled out of bed and hurried into the bathroom, throwing on his uniform and loosely tying his tie. He brushed his teeth and pissed. Remus handed him the toast, and they gathered up their book bags before running out the door to the Transfiguration classroom.

They were just in time, luckily, as they all valued their junk and would much rather prefer that it stayed attached to their bodies. They all managed to slide into seats before Professor McGonagall called class to order. Remus was in his usual seat, in the far back corner. He could be out of the way there. No one would look at him.

Some Hufflepuff handed out the syllabi, and Remus glanced over his. It was standard 5th year Transfiguration, an emphasis on preparation for the O.W.L.s at the end of the year. Nothing unexpected. Professor McGonagall launched into her start-of-the-year lecture, and Remus zoned out.

Sirius was sort of paying attention, but McGonagall was droning on and on and on, and he was bored. He glanced over at Remus, two seats away from him. He had his head in his hands, not sleeping, but clearly not paying any attention at all. Fuck, Remus was most definitely not ok. He would never admit it though, and it hurt Sirius so much to see him like that.

He tore off a scrap of parchment and scrawled out a messy "you ok?" He crumpled it up, and, when Professor McGonagall had her back to the class, threw it at Remus. It hit Remus on the side of the head. He looked up, long hair hiding his face. He glanced at the note, refused to look at Sirius, and shoved it in the pocket of his robes.

Truth be told, Remus was not ok. He was anything but ok. While Sirius had been daydreaming about asking his friend out, Remus had been planning a detailed suicide plan, which revolved mainly around the Astronomy tower, and whether or not he would be able to get onto the roof.

Remus put his head back in his hands and went back to being overwhelmed by the sadness and pain and self-loathing, wishing desperately that he could just cease to exist. That he could have just never existed. It would be so much simpler than this living hell that consisted of his depression and werewolf-ness and love for Sirius Black.

Sirius watched Remus closely. He had hidden his face, but Sirius was pretty sure he was crying. He watched him, wishing he could hold him and kiss him and make everything ok. But things weren't ok, and no matter how much Remus pretended they were and lied that they were, they weren't. And Remus knew it, and Sirius knew it.

A/N:

ayyyy, third chapter and yes i'm still alive. finals last week fucked me over, but i didn't fail and i didn't die, so there's that
i hope you enjoyed this chapter, and all its wonderful wonderful pain. if so, i would really appreciate it if you left kudos/comments (they really motivate me to write), but absolutely no pressure
hope you guys are staying safe. eat something, drink some water, take ur meds, i love you all sm
ktf xolyn