trigger warning

Chapter Four: So Give Them Blood, Blood, Gallons of the Stuff

Remus was walking a few paces behind the others, watching Peter and Sirius laugh at a joke James made. They were on the way to the Potions dungeon, and Remus really didn't want to go. He could just duck into the bathroom. No one would notice. Of course they wouldn't.

The mass of students started down the long corridor to the dungeon, but Remus sidestepped a group of Slytherins and went into the bathroom. He stood, bent over the farthest sink, listening as the noisy chatter of students grew fainter and fainter.

"Deep breaths, Remus," he said to himself, as the familiar spikes of panic shot through his chest. His heart pounded and he gasped for air. A faint, persistent buzzing filled his head. "Fuck," he gasped," sinking to his knees, "fuck, fuck, fuck." The fear was paralyzing, he couldn't think, couldn't breathe; the quick and shallow breaths didn't do much.

His hands shook, and he frantically dug his nails into the back of his hand. Again and again, he tore at his flesh until the little droplets of blood welled up. His head was spinning, and he felt so disconnected from himself, from reality.

He couldn't feel the cold tile under his knees, or the nails digging into his flesh, or the dull throbbing of the bruises on his torso. Only pure, unadulterated panic coursing through his veins. It felt as though a giant hand was squeezing his chest, cutting off his ability to breath, to think, to feel. Remus tugged at his hair, still gasping for breath. He choked out another strangled series of, "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Slowly, painfully, after some time (Remus didn't know how long), he managed to calm down a little bit. He struggled to his feet and stumbled into the farthest stall. He locked the door and sank onto his knees, slumping against the wall.

Remus rolled up his sleeve, revealing angry cuts and fading scars. He pulled out his blade and dragged it across his wrist. Almost immediately the blood welled up, gathering in small droplets before running down the side of his arm. So fascinating, so captivating, so beautiful. Remus slashed again and again. He shoved the blade back into his pocket and leaned back.

Tears trickling down his face, he watched the blood run down his arm. He listened to the 'drip, drip, drip' of the little beads of blood hitting the floor. He thought about death; how welcoming, how sweet, it seemed. He thought about Sirius, and how much he loved him.

"Remus?"

Remus froze. It was fucking Sirius Black. Remus felt the most confusing mix of emotions. He desperately wanted Sirius to go, to leave him alone, definitely not to see him like this. On the other hand, he fucking loved Sirius, and just wanted the older boy to hold him, to comfort him, to kiss him.

"Remus, I know you're in there."

Remus didn't move. It was so quiet. Remus could hear the droplets of blood hitting the floor, the beating of his own heart, Sirius's concerned breath, that one sink that always dripped. His bruises were starting to fade, he realized. They throbbed less, were less painful where he was leaning against the wall. The cuts on his back were no longer threatening to bleed with every movement.

His eyes were drawn back to his bloody wrist. There was so much of it; so red, so raw, so beautiful, his own little red river down the inside of his arm, his own little red sea on the white tile of the bathroom floor. It was mesmerizing. Remus couldn't look away. The pain had dulled, it felt so far away. Everything did. Remus was floating, nothing clear except for the bright red.

Cloud-like was a good description. Remus felt like he was floating on a cloud. No thoughts, just floating, filled his head. He was light. It looked like he was high up, looking down at everything through a layer of clouds. Except for the bright red of the blood that shone through, glistening and sickening and beautiful.

"Remus, open the door, damnit!"

Why was thinking so hard? Remus couldn't focus on Sirius's words. He only heard the tone, and hoped Sirius wasn't mad at him. He didn't think he would even be able to get up to open the door at this point. It's ok, though. Remus didn't mind. The cloud was so nice. He was weightless.

"Remus, please, can you please open the door?"

Remus wondered if Sirius was also on a cloud. He wasn't on the same cloud, but maybe Sirius had a different cloud. Remus hoped Sirius had a cloud. It was so peaceful. It was calming. It didn't hurt. Maybe Remus could stay on the cloud forever.

He couldn't hear Sirius anymore. Maybe Sirius had left. He wouldn't be surprised. Everyone leaves eventually. Or, maybe Sirius had gotten caught up in his own cloud. Or his cloud had gone away from Remus's. It was ok, though. Remus couldn't focus, even on Sirius. It was so much better to just sit there, floating, than trying to think.

Drip, drip, drip. Barely aware of what he was doing, Remus took his shaking fingers and dipped them in the blood and brought them up to his face. There was so much of it. It was all over the floor and his arm and his clothes. He wiped his fingers off on his robe. A little more blood wouldn't hurt it. And it was black, so it wouldn't show. He would wash it later.

Remus wondered what it would be like to die. Would it hurt? Would he feel it coming? Would it just be like falling asleep? Would it creep up on him, without him even realizing it? Remus wasn't sure which he would prefer. And obviously it would depend on how he died. He thought about death a lot. He thought about all the different ways to kill himself. Magic or muggle, there were so many options. He could jump, hang himself, slit his wrists and bleed out. He could take pills, drown himself, use a spell. If it were winter, he could make sure he got locked out of the castle and then freeze to death in the snow. So many options. Remus wasn't sure what he would do. His current plan was probably to jump off the Astronomy Tower, provided he could get up there without a teacher or student realizing.

Remus let the thoughts of suicide drift away on a passing cloud. His mind was pleasantly clear. For once, it was quiet in his head. The silence was almost unnerving; Remus was used to the constant stream of thoughts and pain and sadness and numbness. This emptiness was different from the numbness. The numbness was overwhelming and terrible, but with this, Remus was at peace.

He vaguely wondered what time it was, whether the period was over, if anyone had noticed his absence. Probably no one did. He didn't know why they would. Nobody cared about the quiet Gryffindor who always sat in the back and never talked. Even if they pretended to care, surely no one actually did.

Once again, his barely-there thoughts drifted back to Sirius. Fuck, he loved Sirius. It hurt so badly, especially knowing that Sirius would never feel the same way. Hell, Sirius probably didn't even like Remus. He probably just tolerated him, same with James and Peter. Because they were the Gryffindor boys in their year, and they weren't total assholes, so they just let Remus hang out with them. They probably didn't even notice that Remus hadn't been in Potions.

"Remus, I swear if you don't open the door right now, I'm going to break it down."

Remus was floating farther away. He couldn't feel the floor or the wall or anything. The blood was duller now. That was a shame. It had been so bright and pretty. His head was so tired. He leaned back, resting it against the wall. The cloud seemed to envelope Remus. He could barely see the dull red blood anymore. He closed his eyes.

The last thing he registered was a far away crashing sound and the pained gasp of a familiar voice.

A/N:

hi please don't kill me i am sorry
yes i am going to update this, hopefully really soon
if you wanna maybe comment? (i swear your comments make my day so much better and help motivate me)
again i am very sorry and yes i will be updating this very soon

stay safe, eat something, drink some water, take your meds. i love you so much

ktf xolyn