trigger warning

Chapter Five: And They Found You on the Bathroom Floor

When Sirius got to the Potions dungeon, he slumped down at a table and buried his head in his arms. It's not that he didn't like Potions, but he really wasn't in the mood today. The table was at the back of the poorly lit room, so he stayed like that while Professor Slughorn went through the same beginning-of-O.W.L.-year-rambling-boring-monologue that Sirius had already heard multiple times.

He groaned. Loudly. James poked him. "Shut the hell up, Sirius," he whisper-yelled. It's not that James cared about Sirius interrupting class, James was a fucking prodegy at everything, he just really didn't want to listen to his best friend's whining.

Sirius raised his head, just looked at James, and then flopped back down. He didn't have the energy to fight with James. Instead, he let his thoughts wander. Naturally, they drifted immediately towards Remus.

Fuck, Sirius was so in love with Remus that it physically hurt. Sirius couldn't get enough of the younger boy. He was like a drug, and Sirius was addicted. He was intoxicating. And Sirius didn't care. He craved it. He welcomed it. Everything about Remus was captivating. Sirius loved the way his slightly-too-long hair fell over his face (though Remus made it look good), hiding his mesmerizing hazel eyes. He loved the way his eyes lit up when he was excited or happy, neither of which he had seen in a long time. He loved his smile, tugging at the corners of his mouth as Remus tried to hide it. Fuck, he loved every single damn thing about Remus.

He knew Remus was anything but ok, and it hurt him to see Remus in so much pain. He desperately wished that he would talk to Sirius. He wanted to hold him and comfort him and try to make things ok. But Remus wouldn't talk to him, or to anyone, and Sirius was worried that it would become too much for him.

He didn't know what exactly Remus was dealing with, but he knew that it was bad. He kept so many secrets, and Sirius feared that they would become the death of him. He strongly suspected that Remus was severely depressed, probably had multiple anxiety disorders. He noticed all the little quirks and habits of his friend. He knew that Remus barely ate, barely slept, barely spoke. He saw the pain and emptiness in his eyes.

Remus disappeared regularly, always with some vague excuse. Sirius had once believed him, but now he knew that he was lying. What Remus was trying to hide, though, Sirius didn't know.

He was afraid that Remus had secret habits, habits that he made sure not a single soul knew about, habits that were dangerous, habits that were destructive.

Sirius stiffened. Remus wasn't in class, was he? Sirius sat up, looking quickly around. Sure enough, Remus wasn't in the room. Sirius was sure that Remus had walked to the dungeons with them. Actually, did he? Sirius couldn't exactly remember. Fuck, this was bad.

He turned back to the front of the room, where Professor Slughorn was writing something on the board. He sighed impatiently. His fingers drummed anxiously on the table top. James looked over at him. "Dude, relax," he said softly.

Sirius didn't look at him.

James frowned. He reached over and gently put his hand over Sirius's. "Hey, it's ok," he said. "You good?"

Sirius shrugged. "I'm fine, I think. School's getting to me already." James nodded sympathetically, accepting Sirius's explanation without a question. Just like Remus, how they all accepted his lies and believed he was fine.

Sirius raised his hand. "Professor Slughorn?" he asked.

The Potions professor turned around, surprised. "Yes, Mr. Black?"

"I'm not feeling well," he said bluntly. "Can I go see Madam Pomfrey?"

Professor Slughorn frowned. "Of course. Hurry up."

Sirius scooped up his books, shoved them in his bag, and hurried out of the classroom. He remembered to try and look a little bit sick.

He paused, trying to think where Remus would have gone. He doubted Remus would have gone all the way back to the Tower, and he was pretty sure he had come at least part-way to the dungeons. He started back up the long hallway, stopping a few minutes later in front of the bathroom. Remus had probably ducked into it, unnoticed among the large crowd of noisy students.

Pushing the door open gently, Sirius walked into the bathroom, praying that Remus was inside. There was no one immediately visible, no Remus. Sirius was pretty sure that there was someone in the farthest stall. He heard a very faint dripping, the sound of small sniffles, someone trying to go unnoticed.

"Remus?" Sirius asked softly.

He stood there, waiting for the response he knew wouldn't come. Sure enough, the bathroom was silent. That confirmed for him that it was Remus. If it wasn't, the person in there would almost definitely have said something. He sighed.

"Remus, I know you're in there."

Again, there was nothing. Fuck, this was bad. This was very very bad. Sirius was starting to freak out. He ran his fingers through his hair. He needed to calm down. Remus was in trouble, and Sirius needed to not also be freaking out.

He started pacing back and forth, back and forth, breathing slowly and evenly, trying to calm himself down. The thoughts, the possibilities of what Remus might be doing in there, raced through his head. He tried to push them away, but they pushed right back. He was absolutely terrified.

Finally, he managed to get his panic back under control. He was still terrified, but he was no longer on the verge of a panic attack. "Remus, open the door, damnit!" he yelled.

Still, Remus didn't say anything, didn't move, made no sign that he had heard or was even in the stall. All of the terrible possibilities crowded to the forefront of Sirius's brain. Against his will, images flashed through his head. Remus in the middle of a silent, horrible panic attack. Remus slumped unconscious with an empty bottle of pills next to him. Remus with slashes on both his wrists, lying on the floor in a pool of bright red blood.

He set his hand on the door and leaned his head against it. "Remus, please, can you open the door?" he begged.

Why the fuck didn't Remus say anything? The fear was paralyzing. Sirius could barely breathe, barely focus on anything. The only thing he could think about was the very real possibility that the boy he loved was lying dead on the bathroom floor a few feet away from him. If only he had noticed when Remus left, paid more attention to him, done something- anything- to keep him from whatever it was that was happening.

Break down the door. That's what he needed to do. He needed to get in. He needed to make sure Remus was ok. Fuck, he needed Remus to be ok. He didn't know what he would do if Remus died. Remus couldn't die. Sirius wouldn't be able to live without Remus. Even if he was never able to tell Remus that he loved him, he had Remus as his friend, and that was enough.

"Remus, I swear if you don't open this door right now, I'm going to break it down."

He silently begged that Remus would say something, anything, after the threat. But there was no sign that Remus was in the stall or that he had even heard. "Fuck it," Sirius whispered to himself.

He braced himself, then swung his leg at the door. Hard. The metal lock bent under the force of Sirius's kick, the combination of love, fear, and accidental magic more than enough to break it. The door slammed against the wall. Sirius rushed in. He gasped. None of the images he had previously imagined could have prepared him for the sight.

Remus was laying, slumped against the far wall. His left sleeve was rolled up, revealing a bloody, mangled mess. There was a small pool of blood on the floor. Remus was deathly pale. His chest rose and fell a tiny bit; the shallow breaths were few and labored, threatening to stop entirely.

Sirius fell to his knees. His mind excruciatingly numb and painful and screaming at him to do something.

A/N:

this might be the fastest update?
again i am very sorry and i promise i will update very soon and i would appreciate it if you didn't kill me
if you wanna comment i love seeing them and they make me so fucking happy

hope you're all doing ok. please stay safe and take care of yourselves. i love you
ktf xolyn