mild trigger warning

Chapter Six: It's a Lot Easier to Steal Potions Than it Should Be

Sirius was frozen. He was unable to move, paralyzed by fear and horror and despair. All he could do was look. Remus, one of his best friends, the boy he loved, was unconscious on the bathroom floor. He was slumped in a pool of his own blood, which still trickled from his wrist. He couldn't have moved if he tried.

He stood there, for what felt like an eternity. In reality, it was probably only a few seconds. A thousand thoughts, all horrifying, ran through his head. He tried to clear his head, to shake away the fuzziness and panic. He needed to do something, anything, to save Remus. "Oh, fuck," he whispered, tugging at his hair.

Finally, he snapped into action, rushing to Remus's side. He gently took Remus's wrist, and ran his wand over the deep gashes, murmuring, "Vulnera sanentur" each time he traced a cut. He watched as the skin stitched itself back together, until only thick scars were left, criss-crossing over the many smaller ones underneath.

Sirius ran his fingers over them, barely touching the younger boy's skin. His heart ached so badly. Remus was hurting so badly, enough that he felt the need to take it out on himself. And Sirius had never noticed. He didn't want to think about how long it had been going on. Judging by the layers of scars, he would guess a few years. He had to stop thinking about it. It hurt too much.

He leaned back a little bit, tired from how much magic the healing spell had used. He glanced at the blood on the floor, before waving his wand over it and whispering, "Tergeo," watching it all vanish. He could feel the magical exhaustion in his bones. He had never used such a powerful healing spell before, and it had taken a lot out of him.

Remus was far from ok, though. Sirius looked back down at him. A little bit of color had returned to his deathly pale cheeks, and his breathing seemed a little less labored. Of course, Sirius didn't know that Remus was a werewolf, and therefore had an extremely high healing factor.

He needed to get a blood-replenishing potion. He knew the hospital wing was stocked with them, but he wouldn't be able to steal one, and Madam Pomfrey wouldn't give him one without an explanation. As much as he wanted to take Remus to the hospital wing, he was afraid of what they would do to him, in order to keep him "safe." Besides, he knew Remus would never forgive him.

Professor Slughorn had blood-replenishing potions in his stock, Sirius was sure of it. He just needed to steal one, and quickly. He didn't want to leave Remus, though. He weighed the two options. Remus was unconscious on the floor, close to death. Slughorn was still teaching a class, though, and Sirius would easily be able to get into his office to get the potion. He knew from experience that Professor Slughorn often forgot to lock his office during class.

Remus needed the potion. He bent over the smaller boy. He looked so vulnerable laying there. Quickly, Sirius pressed a kiss against Remus's forehead. "I love you, Remy," he whispered. "I'll be right back."

He stood, closed the door to the stall, and sprinted out of the fast as he could, he ran to Professor Slughorn's office. Sure enough, it was unlocked. He tip-toed in, across the rug, to the cabinet against the far wall. He flung it open, found the blood-replenishing potions on the fourth shelf, and took one, slipping it into the pocket of his robe.

He ran back to the bathroom and rushed into the stall, trying desperately to catch his breath. Remus was still laying there, unmoving, but a distinct pink color on his cheeks. Sirius knelt over the boy, pouring the potion down his throat a little bit at a time, massaging it gently to help him swallow.

Finally, the potion was gone. Sirius vanished the flask and sat back on his heels. He watched Remus's breathing become more and more steady. A little bit of color was coming back to his cheeks. He grasped Remus's hand in his, rubbing the back of it gently, his thumbs tracing tiny circles over and over again.

"Come on, Remy, please wake up," he whispered. It was an eternity that he sat there, silently begging Remus to wake up.

Remus opened his eyes, groaning softly. He looked around, confused. Sirius saw the instant he realized where he was, the immediate fear that filled his eyes. Remus froze. "I- I didn't mean to," he whispered, starting to panic. "I didn't mean to, Siri, I swear I didn't. It was an accident." He was hyperventilating now, unable to stop.

Sirius grabbed both his hands. "Shh, Remus, it's ok," he said. "I know you didn't. It's ok. Can you try focusing on my breathing?"

Remus nodded quickly. Sirius helped him calm down, easing him out of the beginning of a panic attack. Sirius himself was mostly just relieved that it hadn't been a suicide attempt. Remus must have just lost control, or not realized how deep. Obviously Sirius was still worried sick and scared, but maybe Remus wasn't suicidal. Even if he cut, it didn't mean that he was suicidal. The two went hand in hand most of the time, but weren't necessarily dependent on each other.

Remus hadn't actively been trying to kill himself, at least not that time. He had just gone overboard. Then again, he wouldn't have minded dying. In fact, he would have welcomed it gladly. He was more than a little frustrated that he had woken up. And absolutely terrified that Sirius now knew one of his secrets.

Both boys were now sitting on the bathroom floor, opposite each other. Sirius looked at Remus. "Why, Remy?" he whispered.

Remus just shrugged.

"Remy, you've got to have a reason. You can't just shrug this away. You can't just pretend it's all ok."

Remus wouldn't look at Sirius. He was afraid that if he did, he would start crying or start talking and tell Sirius everything.

A tear rolled down Sirius's cheek. "Please, Remy, you can talk to me."

Remus gave a slight shake of his head. "It's fine, Siri," he whispered.

"That's bullshit, Remus, and you know it," Sirius said firmly.

Remus shrugged again.

Sirius sighed. "It's ok, Remy," he said. "I won't make you talk to me. But you can always come to me. You can come, whenever you want to–" he trailed off, gesturing vaguely around them at the bathroom stall. "You don't have to talk, but it's better than this."

Remus gave a sort of half smile, still refusing to look at the older boy. "Did you tell anyone?" he asked softly.

Sirius shook his head. "But if you can't stop, I'll need to," he said. "This isn't healthy. It's not good. I can't lose you, Remy. I love you."

Remus flinched inwardly, the way he did whenever Sirius said those three words. It was his way of reminding himself that Sirius loved him as a friend, and only as a friend, that Sirius would never love him back, not like that.

Sirius wished that he could tell Remus that he loved him, and not just as a friend. But that would destroy their friendship. Remus was the one thing that Sirius Black could never have, and that was going to be what tore Sirius apart. He couldn't tell Remus. Remus would never love him back, not like that.

"Class is probably almost over," Sirius said. "You want to head back to the Tower?"

Remus shrugged.

Sirius bit his lip. "Ok, let's go. It'll be more comfy there. And we don't have class for the rest of the afternoon."

He stood up, stretching his sore legs a little bit. He held out a hand and helped Remus to his feet. Remus was still pretty unsteady, probably shouldn't even be walking around. Actually, he should be laying in the hospital wing, getting the medical attention that he clearly needed. Sirius knew it wasn't worth the fight. Remus would never willingly go. He would just need to keep a very close eye on his friend.

Together, the two boys slowly made their way back to the Gryffindor Tower. Sirius helped Remus into their dorm and tucked him into bed. He lay down on his own bed, trying to stop the thoughts from coming. All he could think about was what could have happened, if he didn't get to the bathroom in time.

He heard Remus's breathing even out, and he got up, walking over to his bed. Sure enough, Remus was fast asleep. Sirius pressed another gentle kiss to his forehead, and pulled the curtains closed.

A/N:

yay, another chapter
sorry this one took me longer than i was anticipating. the next one also might be a little bit slow. my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday (day after valentine's day) and it's rough. i should get it out within a week tho

hope you guys are all doing ok, and if not i'm sending virtual hugs and cookies. try to eat something, drink some water, get a little bit of sleep, and take ur meds. i love you all so much

ktf xolyn