trigger warning

Chapter Seven: Mutual Pining with a Side of Emotional Pain

When Remus woke up, he was laying on his bed. His arm hurt a lot, and he had no memory of going to sleep. Fuck. It all came flashing back: skipping potions, the panic attack in the bathroom, cutting. There was so much blood. Why hadn't he died? He didn't mean to cut so deep, it was honestly an accident this time. Fuck, it was Sirius. Sirius found him. Sirius had saved him. Sirius knew.

Why couldn't he have just died? Sure, he hadn't been trying to kill himself, but it would have been nice. He was so fucking sick of everything, of the pain, of living. He just wanted to die. He wanted it to end. He wanted to disappear. But of-fucking-course Sirius had to find him, had to get there just in time.

Was it a coincidence that Sirius happened to come into the bathroom at just the right moment? Or had Sirius noticed his absence and gone looking for him? Did Sirius suspect something was wrong, something that caused him to frantically search for Remus? Was it just an inconveniently timed piss? Was Sirius looking for him, but blissfully unaware that anything might possibly be wrong?

It didn't matter. What mattered was that Sirius was now aware of Remus's cutting, and probably suspected that he was suicidal. Obviously he had good reason to: he had just found one of his friends bleeding out on the bathroom floor. Remus was just glad that Sirius didn't know his other secrets.

As much as he loved Sirius, he didn't want him to know. He had so many secrets, he hid behind so many layers, over the course of several years, he had built up so many walls. And he was scared to let anyone, even Sirius, in. If Remus could have it his way, he would simply disappear, cease to exist. Then, all the pain, all the problems, would stop.

He did love Sirius so much, though. And the knowledge that Sirius would never love him back hurt almost as much as everything else. If Remus could have one thing, other than death, it would be to have Sirius love him back. When he wasn't daydreaming about dying, he was daydreaming about Sirius.

He could almost feel Sirius's arms around him, almost feel Sirius's lips against his. He could almost hear Sirius's voice, imagined him standing behind him, arms draped loosely around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder. He imagined Sirius's warm laugh in his ear, a soft kiss pressed against his cheek.

And then, Remus opened his eyes. He was laying on his side, curled up on his bed. He was alone. He wrapped his arms around himself, pressing his face into the comforter, trying to muffle the sound of his tears. He closed his eyes, once again trying to imagine Sirius.

But it was gone. He couldn't feel him, couldn't hear him. The emptiness, the loneliness, were unbelievable and unable to be ignored. Remus tried to stop the tears, but they just kept coming.

Sirius lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought. He thought about Remus. Fuck, he loved Remus so much. He thought about kissing the shorter boy. His arms would be around Remus's waist, holding him close. Remus would wrap his arms around Sirius's neck, standing on the tips of his toes, his lips against Sirius's.

Remus would smile, and Sirius would feel it. Sirius imagined looking down at Remus, and seeing him look back up at him, nothing but love and admiration in both of their eyes. Sirius would lean down and kiss him again and again, and Remus would kiss him back. Everything would be ok. It would be the two of them in their own little world, where nothing mattered except for each other.

Sirius imagined standing behind Remus, his arms draped loosely around Remus's waist, resting his chin on Remus's shoulder. Sirius would make some stupid and joke, and he would feel Remus's laughter. He would bend over and press a soft kiss against Remus's cheek.

But Remus would never love Sirius, and Sirius could never tell Remus that he loved him. It would ruin their friendship. And as much as Sirius hated loving Remus, having Remus actively reject him would be a thousand times worse. He honestly didn't think he would be able to deal with that.

Sirius groaned and sat up. He didn't know where James and Peter were, but they weren't in the dorm room. It was way too quiet. He sighed. He honestly didn't have the energy right now. All that he could think about now was Remus. And not like earlier, when he was daydreaming of a world where Remus actually felt the same way.

He saw Remus, over and over again. He saw Remus on the bathroom floor, blood pooling around him. He saw himself unable to save him, in some horrible, twisted reality where Remus– but Sirius can't even bring himself to think it. He can't let his worst fear come to life in his mind. If he did, it would haunt him forever. Not that it didn't already, but after seeing it so close, it was so much more real.

Sirius knew that the image of Remus on the bathroom floor would stay with him forever. He would see it when he closed his eyes at night, he would see it in those rare moments when the thoughts became overwhelming.

But Remus was ok. And that's all that mattered. Remus was alive and ok and that meant that Sirius was ok. Obviously, Remus was far from being ok, but in the relative sense, he was ok. Sirius was shocked at how far Remus's pain went. He was shocked that Remus had resorted to self-harm. The amount of pain that an individual had to be in to reach that state was unbelievable. And Remus was suffering that much, right in front of Sirius and James and Peter, and none of them had noticed or even suspected a single thing.

Sirius felt partially at fault for this. He felt guilty for not noticing, for not keeping a closer eye on Remus when he suspected that he wasn't ok. He felt guilty for believing Remus's lies, or for not pushing more. It wasn't Sirius's fault, and he knew this, but he couldn't help it. The boy he loved was in so much pain that he sliced his arms to stop it, and Sirius was too blind to notice.

Sirius lay back, listening to the quiet of the room. He was pretty sure that Remus was awake, lying in his own bed on the opposite side of their dorm. He tried listening to the sound of Remus's breathing. After he heard it falter a few times, beside the fact that it was so deliberately muffled, Sirius was almost positive that Remus was crying.

He stood up, and softly walked over to Remus's bed. The curtains were drawn tightly around it. He was definitely crying, and definitely trying to hide it.

"Remy?"

"Go- go away, Sirius." Remus's breath hitched.

Sirius sighed softly. "You know I won't do that, Remy."

Remus knew. And, truth be told, he didn't want him to. Sure, he was mad that Sirius had found him, mad that he hadn't bled out on the bathroom floor, but that didn't mean he didn't fucking love Sirius.

"Can I come in?"

The last thing that Remus wanted was for Sirius to try to make him talk. He wouldn't. And, frankly, he couldn't, at least not right now. If Sirius tried to make him talk about it, he would probably get up and run away. Where to, he didn't know. But it would be away from Sirius and his stupid caring self.

"Please, Remy?"

Fuck, this was definitely a conversation that they had had multiple times in the past few days. Remus considered his options. He could let Sirius in right now, or Sirius would sit there, patiently waiting until Remus came out. Either way, a confrontation was inevitable, and Remus didn't see the point in bothering to delay it. He would be crying either way.

"Fine."

The curtains were pushed back, and Sirius climbed onto the bed. Remus's back was to him, and he was curled up on his side. Sirius didn't say anything, he just pulled the curtains closed again and lay down next to Remus.

He slid a warm, comforting arm under Remus's shoulder and pulled him against his chest. He whispered, "It's ok, Remy. I've got you."

Remus imagined him saying that, and then proceeding to kiss him softly, gently, on the top of the head, or on his cheek. But he didn't, and he wouldn't.

The two boys lay there, neither one moving, neither one speaking. Sirius held Remus closely to his chest, making silent promises that it was ok, that he was there for him, that he loved him.

"I love you, Remy," he whispered.

Remus could have sworn that Sirius said, "I love you, Remy," but he was unsure what was real and what was his imagination. Besides, Sirius would never love him, right? Not that way.

Sirius wasn't sure if Remus had heard him. It didn't matter either way, though. If he hadn't, no big deal. If he had, he would assume that Sirius meant it in a friendly way. And whatever the case, Remus would never love him, right? Not that way.

A/N:

hello my beautiful people, i am back with another chapter. turns out it's easy to write sad chapters when ur incredibly sad and listening to i don't love you by mcr on repeat
if you wanna comment, i would really appreciate it. they make me so happy. but absolutely no pressure :)
yes my chapter titles are a weird combo of what happens in the chapter/song lyrics/something sarcastic/whatever the fuck pops into my head
also to everyone who has called my ex some variation of an asshole, i love you all

stay safe, eat something, drink some water, take ur meds

ktf xolyn