mild trigger warning

Chapter Eight: Lily Evans Can 100% See Through Your Bullshit

Remus stood at the edge of the lake, looking out over the smooth surface. There wasn't even the hint of a breeze, and the surface of the lake was glassy and still. The air was crisp and cool, the sky perfectly clear.

The water was dark and still and seemed to call out to Remus. He wondered how cold it was. He wondered what it would be like to jump in, feel the water closing over his head. He wondered what it would be like to sink down, further and further, the darkness becoming darker and the light fading above him. He wondered if he would instinctively thrash around, or if he could will his body to let him die. He wondered what it would be like to drown, unable to breathe, feel his lungs fill with water. He wondered if it would hurt, or if he would just slowly slip away.

Perhaps there would be some ripples, going out to the edges of the lake. Then, there would be nothing, and the water would be just as smooth and still and unbroken as before. It was just like him, Remus realized. Someone might notice while it was happening, while he was still alive. If they were there to, that is. And then he would be gone. And no one would realize; it would be empty and still. Everyone would go on with their lives and forget about Remus Lupin.

"It sure is a nice day to be in Hogsmeade with your friends."

Remus jumped. Lily Evans was standing behind him, looking at him curiously. He hadn't heard her coming, which was unusual. He had been too caught up in his thoughts.

It was true, though. It was a pleasant day in early October, the first Hosgmeade day of the new school year. Students had rushed to leave the school grounds in the morning, laughing and chattering and pushing, with plans of sweets and toys and pranks. Remus had managed to convince Sirius, James, and Peter that he wasn't feeling very well, and that he was going to stay in their dorm and rest.

He had convinced James and Peter, that is. He was pretty sure that Sirius saw through his bullshit, but didn't want to press it. The truth was, Remus was too depressed to do anything, let alone pretend that he was ok while all of his friends were laughing and having a good time. He knew he would just be a burden, that he wouldn't be able to pretend he was having a good time, that he would get tired of him.

"I could say the same to you," he said.

Lily shrugged. "Sev was helping me with a Potions assignment for Slughorn, and then he was supposed to help Malfoy with something. I didn't feel like going by myself."

"Oh."

Remus was always surprised whenever Lily talked to him. Mostly, because he was friends with James, and Lily absolutely despised James. But Lily understood that the group of boys wasn't necessarily a unit, and that while James was utterly infatuated with her, Remus was actually an extremely nice and friendly person.

They weren't friends exactly, but they were definitely close acquaintances. Maybe they were friends, Remus wasn't sure. Either way, Lily was nice and friendly and liked Remus, and that was good enough for him. They were occasionally partners in Potions, and Lily was best friends with Severus Snape, who was a Potions prodigy. He helped Lily, and Lily helped Remus when they were partners, and Remus was overall satisfied with the situation.

"Why aren't you in Hogsmeade, though?" Lily asked. "I saw Black and Potter and Pettigrew all leave this morning. I've also seen enough of you four to know that they wouldn't leave you behind without a legitimate excuse. Especially Black. And as pleasant as staring at the lake for an hour is, I doubt it's an excuse that they would let you get away with. So, either you lot are fighting, or you lied to them. I know you aren't fighting, because Black wouldn't fight you for a million dollars. So you probably lied to them. And I'm pretty sure Black didn't buy it, whatever it is you told them, but I'm also pretty sure he didn't want to push it."

That was the other thing about Lily. She was incredibly, and kind of scarily, observant and empathetic and intuitive, and just generally aware of what was going on. Remus was a little surprised that Lily had gotten all of that right, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the first time she had done something similar. Remus had been half convinced then that she was reading his mind.

The only was, he didn't know why she said Sirius wouldn't fight him or leave him behind. Sure, they were close friends, but James and Sirius were always the closest. Remus might have been in love with Sirius, but Sirius viewed Remus as nothing more than a friend. A close friend, but still a friend.

Remus shrugged, but didn't answer Lily. He turned back to the lake, not wanting to look at Lily.

"Remus," said Lily softly, "I might utterly despise Potter and his overinflated head, but we're friends. And something is clearly up. What's wrong?"

"It's, I don't know. It's nothing."

"Remus Lupin, that is the most ridiculous bullshit I have ever heard in my life, and I have to listen to James Potter confess his undying love for me on a daily basis."

Remus sighed.

"It's Sirius, isn't it?"

Remus froze. "What?"

"You know, Black might be an oblivious fucker, but I'm not. I've seen the way you look at him. I know you really fucking like him, Remus."

Was it really that noticeable? Remus, for obvious reasons, hadn't told a single soul that he liked Sirius. Hell, no one even knew he was gay. If that got out, he would never hear the end of it. Remus didn't say anything, barely moved at all.

"You know I won't tell anyone, right?"

He let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding. He felt so relieved, when he hadn't even noticed.

"I would never do that, Remus."

The pair stood in silence for a few minutes. Remus bit his lip, trying to think of something to say.

"You should think about telling him," Lily said suddenly.

"What?" Remus whirled around, staring at her in shock.

"You should think about telling Sirius that you like him," Lily repeated.

"I can't do that, Lily!" he exclaimed. "He wouldn't feel the same way, and I wouldn't be able to deal with that rejection. He would hate me. I can't let him find out, I can't!"

She sighed. "It's ok. You don't have to. But it might not turn out the way you think it would. And Sirius could never hate you."

Remus shook his head. "I can't."

Lily nodded understandingly. "Well, I should probably head back to the castle. I told Severus I would meet him after he was done with Malfoy." She smiled softly. "I like hanging out with you, Remus. We should do this more."

He nodded. Lily gave a little wave, which he returned. Then she turned and started walking back to the castle. Remus watched her go, then sat down on the ground.

Lily knew. He didn't think she would tell anyone, he trusted her, but still, she knew. It's ok. Soon, it wouldn't matter. Soon, none of this would matter. And Remus was ok with that.

A/N:

ayyyy another chapter. sorry this one took me so long to write. i literally had a google doc with a single sentence for like 3 days and couldn't write anything. but here you go. hope you enjoyed it :)
let me know if you want me to have lily more in the story, i like this friendship with her and remus. also she knows ~things~

stay safe, eat something, drink some water, take your meds. i love you all sm 3

ktf xolyn