trigger warning

Chapter Ten: And How Would You Know What Ass Tastes Like, Sirius Black?

The four boys were sitting in a circle on the floor of their dorm. James was shuffling a deck of cards, a far too eager look on his face. There was a large box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans in the middle of the circle. James dealt two cards to each of them, then set the deck down. It obviously wasn't the same as regular poker, as there was no betting and they had implemented a 'no folding' rule. It was basically just luck. And James had chosen poker because, well, he was James.

James flipped over three cards, one by one, and then they all turned over their hands. Peter had lost. He groaned loudly and reached into the box of Beans, pulling out a bright green one. He looked at it suspiciously, before popping it into his mouth. He grimaced and swallowed, before saying, "Grass."

"Well, could be a lot worse," Sirius said, laughing. "Could be ass."

James turned to Sirius. "And how would you know what ass tastes like, Sirius Black?"

"Haha, very funny," Sirius returned sarcastically.

Remus leaned back, resting against the end of his bed. As much as he loved his friends (especially Sirius), he really just wanted to sit somewhere quiet and cut. There was no way he would be able to get out of Bean Poker, though. They would all be way too suspicious, especially Sirius.

Sitting up suddenly, James turned to Remus, an almost evil grin on his face. "I almost forgot, Remy! You missed the most amazing thing today while we were in Hogsmeade!"

Sirius froze. "James, shut the fuck up," he hissed.

James ignored him, continuing to grin at Remus. Remus was looking back at him curiously, one eyebrow raised slightly. "It turns out our friend Sirius here has a crush on someone."

The room was deathly silent. James was grinning, Peter was watching the scene with mild interest. Sirius didn't know what to say. This was exactly what he didn't want Remus to hear. And the fact that it was James made it a thousand times worse. Remus was absolutely crushed. Sure, he knew that Sirius would never love him back, but hearing that Sirius had a crush was probably the worst thing he could hear.

Sirius glared at James. "I told you to shut the fuck up, James."

"Why, you didn't want Remy to know you've got a crush on someone?"

Sirius didn't say anything, because that was exactly the case. He didn't want Remus to think that, though. He bit his lip, glaring angrily at his lap and refusing to look at James.

Remus was trying so hard to hold back his tears. He wanted to cut. He needed to get out of here, he needed to find somewhere alone, he needed to cut. He needed to cut so fucking badly. He didn't know how he was supposed to deal with this. It was inevitable, but that didn't mean the pain wasn't unbearable.

He struggled to his feet, and sprinted out of the room. He wasn't sure where he was going, as long as it was away. Away from James, away from Sirius, away from the knowledge that Sirius had a crush. He ran towards the stairs, vaguely realizing that he would be able to get into the Astronomy Tower, as there weren't any classes there until midnight.

"You fucking asshole!" Sirius yelled at James, before jumping to his feet and running out after Remus.

He scrambled out of the portrait hole, then realized he didn't know which way Remus had run. After a split second, he decided to go down, towards the dungeons and the bathroom where Remus had hidden a few days ago during Potions class.

His stomach turned at the thought, as he remembered how he had found his friend. He prayed he wouldn't find him in a similar position this time.

Remus was out of breath and slightly light-headed by the time he reached the Astronomy Tower a few minutes later. Luckily, the trapdoor leading to the roof was unlocked, and a few seconds later, he was sitting on the roof of the highest tower at Hogwarts.

He pulled his well-used blade out of his pocket and dragged it easily across his heavily scarred wrist a few times. He sighed in relief as he watched the blood well up slowly, a small trail making its way down his arm.

"You fucking idiot," he said to himself. "Why would you ever think that Sirius would like you back? He's so amazing. He's handsome, smart, a Pureblood. He's a fucking Black. Look at yourself. You're skinny. You're ugly. You're a fucking werewolf. Why would he ever like someone like you?"

He set the blade against his wrist again, then sliced once, twice, a third time. These were much deeper. He stood up, walking slowly to the edge of the roof. He swung his legs over the high railing and sat down on top of it.

"Look at you, Remus," he said. "You're on top of the fucking world."

He wasn't sure when he had started crying, but the tears were streaming heavily down his face. He made an attempt to wipe them away with his sleeve, but they just kept coming. So did the blood that was dripping steadily down his wrist.

He slid off the railing, balancing on the small ledge. He kept one hand on the railing; the other hung at his side, blood dripping off the side of it.

Sirius couldn't find Remus. He wasn't in any of the bathrooms that he had passed. He was really starting to panic. He was afraid Remus was going to do something stupid, or was in the middle of it, or had already done it.

He sprinted back to the Gryffindor Tower. Still no Remus. He kept going up this time, deciding to check all of the bathrooms between where he was and the Astronomy Tower. There was one on the 5th floor that was tucked out of the way. Remus was probably there.

Remus heard the trapdoor to the roof open. He didn't care at this point. "I fucking love you, Sirius Black," he whispered.

"Remus, don't do it!"

Remus let go of the railing.

A/N:

i am sorry please don't kill me
also damn, three updates in three days? holy shit
i got my paper done, and am super happy with it. i finished it like 45 min ago, and then speed wrote this in like half an hour. i tried the writing tip where you write in comic sans, bc it supposedly helps you write better/more/faster/more effectively (i usually write in economica), and i am so fucking mad that it works so well

yes i will be updating soon i am sorry please don't kill me

stay safe, stay sane, take care of yourselves. i love you all sm 3

ktf xolyn