trigger warning

Chapter Eleven: And I'm Free, Free Fallin'

Remus was finally free. His hand left the railing, and he was falling. It was only a second, but it felt like an eternity. One long, glorious eternity. He closed his eyes, felt the air rushing over his face.

"Mobilicorpus!" Lily screamed.

And then Remus was no longer falling. He floated back over the railing, then collapsed, slumping against the side of the rail by Lily. He closed his eyes and leaned back. A few tears trickled down his cheeks. He didn't bother trying to stop them.

He felt Lily gently take hold of his wrist. She ran her wand over the deep gashes on his forearm. He felt his skin stitch itself back together, leaving behind thick, white scars.

Lily slipped her wand back into her pocket and sat back on her heels. "What- why- Remus, why?" Her voice shook; she was clearly trying to hold back tears.

Remus didn't say anything. He was acutely aware of the metal digging into his back. His wrist throbbed dully; the sharp pain of the cuts was gone. Why? Why did he have to be so fucking unlucky? How did Lily even find him?

Before Remus even knew what was happening, Lily pulled him into a tight hug. "Remus, what the hell were you doing?" she whispered.

Remus scoffed bitterly. "I think it's pretty obvious what I was trying to do."

"But why?" Lily pulled away a little, looking into Remus's eyes. After a split second, he looked away.

"Don't you fucking stay silent on this, Remus Lupin. You sprinted out of your room and the common room crying. You ran all the way here, cut your wrist, and tried to jump off the Astronomy Tower. What the fuck am I supposed to think? And don't fucking say that you're ok, or anything like that, because it's a fucking lie and we both know it."

Remus still refused to say anything. He wrapped his arms around himself, his eyes darting everywhere except for Lily.

"You know," Lily said, "Sirius ran out after you. He went the other way, though." She paused, watching as Remus stiffened. She wasn't sure what exactly had happened, but strongly suspected that Sirius had something to do with it. "It was Sirius, wasn't it?"

Remus bit his lip, but didn't deny it.

"What did he do?"

Behind them, the trapdoor slammed open against the roof. "Remus?"

Lily jumped to her feet, whirled around, and stalked over to Sirius. She slapped him, hard. "What the hell did you do, Black?"

Sirius winced, running his fingers over his now tender cheek. "What the fuck, Evans?" he exclaimed.

Lily glared at him. "Don't fucking bullshit me," she spat.

Sirius ignored that. "Where's Remus? Is he ok?"

Lily nodded sharply. "But no fucking thanks to you. What the fuck did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Fucking bullshit, Black."

"Evans- Lily- I didn't do anything. Please, I swear, I don't know."

Lily's voice dropped. It was a quiet, deadly whisper that carried through the evening air. "Then why did I find him bleeding and about to jump off the roof of the Astronomy Tower?"

Sirius's heart stopped. "What?" he asked quietly.

"You heard me," Lily said, her voice surprisingly level and quiet. "Now, what the fuck did you do to trigger this?"

Sirius took a deep breath. Lily was absolutely terrifying when she was mad, and this was the maddest he had ever seen her. She rarely cursed, and when she did, you knew it was bad. "Honestly, I didn't do anything."

"What happened then?"

"I don't know," Sirius said. He was kind of freaking out a lot. "We got back from dinner and we were playing Bean Poker. Then James was telling Remus about a stupid thing he did in Hogsmeade today, cause Remus wasn't there. And I told James to shut up, but he kept telling it, and then Remus just ran out."

Lily threw up her hands in exasperation. "Look, Black, I don't like you. And I don't like Potter. But I do like Remus, and we're friends. And my friend just tried to kill himself, and I would really fucking like to know why."

"You think I don't want to know?" Sirius exclaimed. "I fucking love him, Evans." He paused, his voice faltering a little when he realized what he had said. He hoped Lily would assume it was purely platonic. "I don't know what I would do without him."

Lily sighed. "Of course," she muttered under her breath. "You two are so fucking oblivious, it's unbelievable."

Sirius had had enough of the conversation, and side-stepped Lily. He rushed over to Remus, who was sitting slumped over on the ground. Remus had his eyes closed, and appeared to be trying to shut everything out.

"Remy?"

Remus swallowed visibly, then opened his eyes. "Fuck off, Sirius," he said quietly.

"What?" said Sirius, in utter disbelief.

"I said, fuck off, Sirius," Remus repeated.

He stood up gingerly, wincing, and walked past Sirius. Sirius watched him, open-mouthed and at a loss for words. Lily grabbed Remus's arm as he passed her. "We need to talk," she whispered, so that Sirius wouldn't be able to hear.

Remus shook his head firmly.

Lily sighed. She didn't want to use a threat, but if Remus wouldn't talk to her or to Sirius, she knew she didn't have a choice. "Either we can talk, or I'm going straight to Professor McGonagall and informing her that you're a danger to yourself."

Remus stiffened. The last thing he needed was to get teachers involved. "Fine, we can talk," he said. "I know a place."

Lily nodded, satisfied with that. Remus started towards the trapdoor, and she followed closely. "Where is it?" she asked.

"7th floor," he said. "By that tapestry of Barnabus the Barmy."

Lily had no idea what he was talking about, but decided it was better not to question it right now. The trapdoor was still open, and the two of them climbed down the ladder, leaving Sirius alone on the roof.

Sirius didn't know what to make of what had just happened. Remus was mad at him. Remus had tried to kill himself. Remus was ignoring him. Lily knew something, Sirius wasn't sure how much. Hell, Sirius didn't know how much he himself knew. He didn't know what was going on.

He walked over to the railing, looking out over the Forbidden Forest. A few stars were starting to become visible in the dark sky.

"Why?" he asked, of no one in particular. "What did I do?"

There was no reply, only the faint, far-off sound of a breeze rustling leaves in the forest. Sirius stared up at the stars. "I love you, Remus Lupin," he said. "I love you, and I'm going to make sure you're ok. This I swear by the stars."

A/N:

holy shit, 4 chapter in 4 days. i am on a fucking roll with this fic. also the comic sans witchcraft works really well
the current vibe for this fic is me titling chapters either based on something that happens in the chapter/a quote from the chapter, something really fucking sarcastic, or a song lyric. the other vibe currently is me staying up until 4am last night vibing on my bed in the dark to mother mother

(if you wanna comment i literally love you so much, but absolutely no pressure)

also all of you are very rad and i like you all very much, and if u ever wanna chat just like comment or pm me and i'll give u my instagram

stay safe, take care of yourselves, drink some water. i love you all sm 3

ktf xolyn