mild trigger warning

Chapter Twelve: Lily Isn't Sure How Remus Can Be so Fucking Oblivious

Remus led Lily to the 7th floor, stopping in front of the tapestry of Barnabus the Barmy.

"Remus, what exactly are we doing here?"

"Just watch," Remus replied. He walked back and forth three times in front of the wall, eyes closed and concentrating.

Lily gasped as she watched a door materialize in the blank wall.

"It's the Room of Requirement," said Remus. "It only appears when you're truly in need of it. You walk back and forth three times, thinking about what you need." He opened the door and gestured for Lily to enter.

It was a small, cozy room. There was a fireplace, with a roaring fire, and several bean bag chairs on a rug around it. The walls were lined with bookshelves. They were old and dusty and mysterious. The whole atmosphere was welcoming and safe.

Remus closed the door behind them. They walked over to the fire, and sat down in two of the chairs. He looked down, picking at the skin around one of his nails. His leg tapped anxiously on the floor. He didn't look at Lily.

"Remus," she began, then stopped, trying to formulate her thoughts. "What happened?"

"I'm pretty sure you saw what happened," Remus said bitterly.

She sighed. "You know that's not what I'm talking about, Remus. What happened in the dorm? With Sirius?"

Remus bit his lip. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does," she said. "Remus, you fucking jumped off the roof. You tried to kill yourself. Don't tell me it doesn't matter. If you won't talk to me, that's fine. I understand and respect that. But it means I'm going straight to McGonagall this instant, because you're clearly a danger to yourself."

Remus ran one hand through his hair and let out a ragged breath. "It's stupid."

"I won't think it's stupid," Lily said.

The words wouldn't come, no matter how hard Remus tried to start. Lily noticed. "Why don't you start from the beginning," she said softly.

Remus nodded. He could do that. He took a deep breath. "Ok. We got back from dinner and were playing poker with Beans. And James said something happened in Hogsmeade. And then Sirius told James to shut up, but James just kept talking." He stopped.

"What did James say?" prompted Lily.

"He- he said that Sirius-" Remus stopped again. It was stupid. Lily didn't care, she was just pretending to. He didn't want to say it out loud. The more he thought about, the more stupid he realized it was.

As if she could read his mind, Lily said, "I promise I won't think it's stupid, Remus."

"He said that Sirius had a crush," Remus blurted out.

Lily didn't say anything. It was painfully obvious, especially to her, just how much Remus loved Sirius. Of course, Remus thought that Sirius could never like him back, and that alone tore Remus apart. Throw in the fact that Remus thought he had confirmation that Sirius liked someone else, along with all of Remus's other struggles, and it made sense why he had gone to the Astronomy Tower.

Remus was so fucking oblivious, and it drove Lily mad that he couldn't tell how much Sirius loved him. Remus hadn't even considered for a second that he might be the person that Sirius had a crush on. Sirius was equally oblivious. Lily wanted nothing more than for the two idiots to get over their belief that their love would never be reciprocated.

Remus buried his face in his hands. "I knew it," he mumbled. "You think it's stupid and I'm stupid."

"No I don't," Lily said firmly.

Remus's head jerked up. Then he frowned again. "You don't have to lie to make me feel better."

"I'm not lying," she said. "I'm just thinking."

Remus was sure that she was thinking about how pathetic he was. He was gay, surely she was judging him for that. He had just tried to kill himself, and now she knew about that. And there was no way she had missed the scars on his arm. The self-loathing washed over Remus in unbearable waves. He needed to cut.

Lily reached over, putting her hand on top of Remus's. He looked down. Without even realizing, he had been digging his nails into the back of his hand.

"Listen to me," she said. Remus looked over at her. "I'm not stupid. I've seen the way you look at Sirius. I've seen the way you act, just in general. I saw the scars on your wrist. Unlike most people here, I'm not completely blind to how much pain you're in."

"Lily, I'm fine," Remus whispered.

"That is absolute bullshit. You may be able to fool everyone else, but not me."

"You can't tell anyone. Please, you can't," Remus begged.

"I won't. But if it gets worse, or you do something stupid, I am going straight to McGonagall and telling her everything. Ok?"

Remus nodded. He could do that. And by that, he meant hiding it from Lily. He wouldn't put it past her to check his wrists, so he figured it was probably time to learn Glamor Charms. Sirius would probably do it too. If Remus forgave Sirius, that is.

"Ok, it's getting pretty late," Lily said. "I'm going to head back to the tower. And you're going to come with me."

"I was just going to-" Remus trailed off, seeing Lily's cocked eyebrow and glare. "Alright, let's go."

Together, they exited the Room of Requirement. Lily watched as the door faded away, until nothing but the blank wall remained. They walked back to the Gryffindor Tower. The silence was deafening, but Remus did not want to talk, and Lily could tell.

Remus slowly walked up the stairs to the 5th year boys' dorm room. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Peter was doing Transfiguration homework, James was reading a book, and Sirius was pasing anxiously.

Remus stepped into the room and all three looked up. "Remus!" exclaimed Sirius, clearly very relieved.

Remus ignored him and walked towards his bed. Why did his have to be the farthest from the door?

"Remy?" Sirius asked, slightly confused.

Remus kicked off his shoes and climbed onto his bed, not bothering to change into pajamas. He pulled the curtains closed, shutting out light and muffling sound. He lay down, pressing his face into the pillow, and let the tears come.

Why was life so unfair? Why did Lily have to save him? Why couldn't Sirius just love him back? Why couldn't he just be happy for once? Was that too much to ask?

A/N:

hi

have another chapter :)
ngl this took a long time to write and i don't like it very much but whatever
this is the start of my tech week for my play next weekend, so idk if/how much i'll be able to update this week. i also have a ton of missing assignments and absolutely no motivation and am generally just doing shitty :/

stay safe, eat something, drink some water. i love you all

ktf xolyn